The Paramount group in Paramount, CA

Pleasure to introduce our main speaker, Danny from San Fernando Valley.

Very much.

I'm Danny Marsh. I'm an alcoholic. Hi everybody. I am still so not used to being invited back places

because it was a long time before anyone invited me back anywhere. So I'm really happy to be back here. I got to tell you I'm heavily caffeinated. So we could we could be out of here by about 5 after eight. And

Oh my God, I, you know, I used to try to time my drugs to like coincide with so, so I was expecting like this really long drive from the valley down here tonight.

So I drank like a 24 oz cold brew coffee when I got in the car and figured that would ease me into this six hour drive to to paramount. And there was like no freaking traffic at all. And, and I've never resented the 101 for being empty before, like

so this is a whole new level of resentment that I've never achieved. And so I got here and my body was still vibrating from the cold brew.

So we'll see how this goes. I got to tell you, I'm

I'm incredibly emotional tonight and

I'm sure that's good news for someone, but we have no clue what will happen. I if you're new, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're new, here's what I can promise you for the next 45 minutes, you're safe. We need nothing from you. You don't have to do Jack around here for the next 45 minutes. The heat is off. Take a deep breath. We don't need anything from you. If the best you can do till 8:30 is take a nap, enjoy every minute of it.

Because when I was new and I got here,

I was scared to death and I was dying of alcoholism. And I didn't know you guys are talking about steps and traditions and God and, and, and inventories and amends and, and I was like, I was like shaking freebase cocaine out of my spinal fluid. And, and I talk a lot about drugs and I'm sorry if they offend anybody. They offended my family for a really long time. And I used to take anything that said do not operate heavy machinery. And,

and, and then I read Bill's story and Bob's story, right, our two founders in Bill's story, he couldn't stop drinking. And he went to a doctor and doctor gave me sedative. And the next day found Bill taking both gin and sedative. And Doctor Bob tried to cure his alcoholic jitters in the morning by taking sedatives so he wouldn't have to drink before work and then he could drink after work. So I thought if drugs, if, if drugs were good enough for them to talk about in their stories, then it was OK for me to talk about in my stories because

I did copious amounts of drugs. And what they did is they contributed to my alcoholism.

And if you're new and you haven't caught alcoholism yet, my prayer for you is that you stick around until you do. Because if you stick around until you catch alcoholism, we've got a brilliant treatment for it. We got a brilliant treatment for it. And so I'll tell you, I'm really emotional tonight for a couple of reasons. My, I think the first time I spoke here, my daughter was three years old and she is now a high school senior.

And yeah, she did the work. I didn't.

Not only is she a high school senior, but she's a nationally ranked debater high school senior. And who likes to come home and say things like, oh, pop, you're just an entitled old white guy.

So I, I, I, I asked, I asked her to define, I understood old, I understood white. I said, explain to me entitled. And she said, OK, I'll explain to you entitled because I want to know why I'm entitled old white guy. And she just said, here's the deal. You can be as compassionate and understanding and caring and loving as humanly possible,

but you will never know what it's like to be a woman walking in a parking garage late at night all by yourself.

So I asked her to sponsor me because she's like, she's far smarter than I'll ever be. And, and she was right, right? She was right. I, I can be all kinds of really loving, kind, sweet things. I will never know that fear. I'll know my other types of fear, but I'll never know that. And why I'm emotional is because she's she spent the afternoon at Pride

being herself and having just a great time. And she's getting ready to leave on

Friday for national debate finals. And and then she's going to spend 3 weeks in Boston at an intense debate program. And then she's going to come back and start her senior year and get ready to move, as she said, to a college as far away from home as possible. And,

and transitions are tough for me.

Transitions are tough for me. And I'm, I, I will never have a high school junior again, right? I will never have a high school junior again. And, and that's so the beauty of what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous is because I got here unequipped to be a father.

And I'm a pretty good dad. And my, I have a kid. I and I talk a lot about my kid because, because I don't want to miss anything, right? I don't want to miss. So we, about six months ago, she hadn't had her driver's license yet, but her best friend got her license. And in their minds, it's freedom, right? In their minds, they'll get a parent's car and they're gone.

Now I

so I came home from work on a Saturday afternoon and my daughter and her friend were not home. So I said to my wife, where are they? And she said, well, they went out to get boba. Like, what the heck is boba? Like it's a drink with custard in the like. I don't get boba, but they've got this boba obsession. So they went out to get boba. And when I heard that they were driving with her friend who just got her license who's 17 years old,

I wasn't the loving dad that I am.

I was a representative of the California Highway Patrol and

so I studied up all my DMV handiwork in the hour that she was gone so that I could present the argument as well as I could. And she came home and I said, babe, I got to tell you, you're not allowed to do this with your friend. She's 17. She's a first time driver. She just got her license. You're not allowed to drive with her for another six months. If you get stopped, you lose your permit, she'll lose her license. Insurance will go up. You'll you'll never get a license.

And she then sent me four articles from the Department of Motor Vehicles contradicting what I had just said.

But here's what happened. Now I'm 29 1/2 years sober, right? I and I treat my alcoholism like a real piece of business right here in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous.

But when I get hurt, my knee jerk reaction is I'm going to hurt you more. That's it. I can't be hurt and I can't be scared unless you're going to be more hurt or you're going to be more scared. So she presents this really lucid argument and, and I've got one response, which is, honey, I got to tell you, I'm so disappointed in you. I am so disappointed in your thoughts and your actions. And I expected much more from you than that.

At which point my wife lovingly jumps into the conversation

and says, you know what? You can't talk to our kid that way. You can talk to her about anything you need to talk about in most ways you want to talk to talk to her about. But you know that she has great respect for you. And you know when you say that to her, what you do is you, you tear her heart out. And it's an unfair fight. And I won't let that happen in our house. So I'm 29 years sober. I'm really busy in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have one thought. I have one thought, which is one bullet will take them both out.

One bullet.

And I've never harmed another human being in my life. I am so anti any of that. But I'm thinking one bullet. And then I do what you taught me to do, which is I took a breath, right? And then I went outside and I turned to this father of light that presides overall. And I'm scared and I'm hurt and I'm scared more because I hurt my kid. And I say, pop, who do I need to be here? Who do you need me to be here?

And I walk back in the house and I look at my daughter and I say, babe, I got to tell you, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you're growing up. I'm scared. I don't know how to do this. And I can promise you that I will no longer punish you for my fear. You and I will figure out how to navigate this together like we've done everything else for 17 years. And I love you. And I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings. And

I am such a fortunate guy, right? I'm a fortunate guy because I could blow that whole thing up. So we're having dinner a couple weeks ago and,

and it's high school. It's a junior prom, right? And she made a mistake. She agreed to babysit for someone on the night of junior prom. And who I am is the guy that would call them the day of and say I'm sick with the flu, I won't be able to babysit and I would disappear for three weeks. Who she is is the one who said I'm going to have to miss my junior prom because I made a commitment that I have to honor. So we

decided to host the post post

prom party. So that meant at 2:00 in the morning, 11 high school junior young women were coming over to the house for a sleepover and they came over around 2:00 and they said they were going out for breakfast. And I got to say, has anyone been drinking? Has anyone been getting high? Because no ones getting in a car if anyone's been doing that. And they're like no Mr. Marsh, we have and we really have. And so they went and they came for breakfast and and I made breakfast for them all and my kids

to me the next day. She said, Pop, you know, that was really cool that you allowed all my friends to come over. And I said, here's the deal. My hope is that when you all leave and go to college, whenever something scary or something harmful or, or you're confused or something goes on, that I'll be the safe dad that they can all come to and know that they'll never be judged and they'll never be talked down to and they'll never be reprimanded. And that I want to be the safe guy. And my kid gave me a hug and started crying and said I

love you so much and

and I could miss the whole thing.

I could miss the whole thing

because so that's why I'm emotional. And today in my store, one of my employees 10 days ago passed away and we held a memorial service in my store today for 100 of my clients and they just showed up to give him love and respect and support and, and his family some love and respect and support. And I, I, and then I left work, went home, put the monkey suit on,

went to a 5:00 eleven step meeting that I started in the Valley a couple years ago

to hear a friend of mine give a talk, and then drove down here to Paramount. And I thought 29 years and a week ago, my Sundays consisted of waking up, brushing vodka from my tongue, throwing it up, crawling back into bed, drinking what was left from a bottle of vodka, turning on a Highway to Heaven rerun, and then seeing where the day went from there. And it is

impossible, without help from something far bigger than me

to go from that person to this person. It is physically impossible for me to do any of that on my own.

So I drank, right? I drank copious amounts of alcohol for a really, really, really long time.

I grew up in Van Nuys, which is right near Burbank, and and that didn't 'cause my alcoholism. It may have had something to do with my amphetamine habit, but not so much with alcohol.

And I had a mom and dad, and then I had a little brother who I resented tremendously. I want to thank our first speaker. What a great freaking talk that was.

And when when she said

it became the normal life, like I get that because that became my normal life. So my brother was born and I used to sit on his chest and pound his head on the floor. And that's how I welcomed him to the world. And then, and then I had a little sister who I still have a little sister. And so I had this like normal upbringing, right? Mom and dad were awesome, blah, blah, blah. My grandfather was a rabbi in Hollywood of some renown, and

it came time for my bar mitzvah and my first drunk was the morning of my bar mitzvah. I, my grandfather had invited 1800 congregants to watch his grandson get bar mitzvahed. And I threw up on the pulpit because I had been drinking all morning and it's not the coming out party that he had hoped for. I didn't. I didn't endear myself to the congregation. And then I drank all night at the party at our house for 400 people and I threw up all

over the place and I embarrassed my family and I embarrassed my grandparents and I embarrassed my friends. And I remember very clearly waking up the next morning and thinking, God, I can't wait to do that again. That was a blast. Because that's how I drink. If you stand between me and the drink, I will kill you to get to a drink. Like, and if you're if you're between me and the drink, I will either go right through you or I'll just cut big swaths around to get to my drink. And if I hurt your feelings tough and if I throw up on you, I'm just really sorry that,

but I need a drink. I need a drink. And I drank like that for a really long time. And, and I tried to cure my alcohol problem with pot and I hated pot and I smoked it every day for a decade. And I always felt a little bit like a puppy on linoleum, you know, like I was, I was really busy. I was real, but I never left. Like I was always in that square. And and then I discovered cocaine and I really, really, really like really, really, really, really really like cocaine.

What I root, what I really like doing, was prebasing with hookers a lot and

I miss it. I really miss it.

But,

but, but my wife frowns on it, so I don't do it as much as as I'd like.

And, and I got in that cycle, you know, it just got in that cycle of spree and remorse and spree and remorse and spree and remorse until my world got smaller and smaller and I got lonelier and lonelier and I got more scared and I got more scared and I ended up all by myself. And when I was 19 years old, I went away

for an afternoon and I came home to find out that my little brother had died in a mountain climbing accident. And three weeks later, I was taking a walk with my dad at La Valley College, and he dropped dead of a heart attack. And it sucked, right? And it sucked and it,

I didn't have

a skill set to articulate how it sucked, right? All I had was a bottle of Jack Daniels to cope with how it sucked. And I can tell you standing here today that all those events, although those events shaped and changed my life, they had zero to do with my alcoholism. 0 Because if they did, I could go to a grief recovery seminar and I could free base like a normal guy. But I

once but I'm bodily and mentally different from my fellows,

right? Once I put drugs or alcohol. I was having a conversation with a with a new guy that I sponsor two nights ago. He called me around 11:00. And this kind of tells you A how young he is and B how young I'm not.

He called me up. He said me and my friend are at this beach party and now he's got 7 days we're at this beach party and I'm going to buy some. Let me see if I get it right. DRM

or DMR or DRM. And I'm like, is that a good thing or is that not a good thing? He goes, no, we're going to buy 80 doses and we're going to do it all tonight. And then I'm going to buy some Xanax and we're going to do that. And then I'll, I'll go back to rehab in a couple days and I'm like, well, that's a plan. That's a plan.

Let me pose an alternative plan.

And he said, OK,

And I said, so like two months ago you were sober and you had a plan which was to just get loaded and that you were going to go back to rehab the next morning. I said, how long before you went rack back to rehab? He said 60 days. I said, So what makes you think that if you've got alcoholism, you can pick and choose again when you can stop? What makes you think you have the luxury

to choose when you can stop? I'm going to suggest an alternative, which is you grab your friend, call an Uber, go out and grab a bite, and then go back to your rehab and get some sleep. And he texted me at 4:00 in the morning and said, still sober. And that's the best I can do, right? That's all I got. I can't keep him sober. I can just tell him what I do

so and the reason I tell that story is because

a I'm caffeinated and I can't remember why I told that story.

So, and maybe it was about DRM or DMR or MDR or whatever it was, but so I would do anything that I could do. So when he tells me he's doing this new drug, I was doing anything I could possibly do to Take Me Out of the moment. And so found out my my dad and my little brother pass away and, and I'm trying to navigate life and,

and I end up in this little apartment in Toluca Lake.

I always tell a couple of stories when I talk because I don't want to forget where I came from and I never want to forget what Alcoholics Anonymous does for me.

So I'm in this little apartment in Toluca Lake. And my grandfather was a Russian immigrant, and he came to this country with nothing, nothing. And he spent 70 years building a better life for his kids and his grandkids than the one that he had brought here from Russia as an 18 year old kid. And I was too loaded to go to the hospital the night he had a heart attack. I was almost too loaded to go to the funeral. But I was not too loaded to go stand in line when they were handing out the estate checks. And I took that check and I put it in the bank and I did whatever I did when I had money.

That time is I called an escort service and she because I like to date by the hour and, and, and she came and she stayed for six months. She brought a free base pipe with her. And and I don't know about the rescue men in this room, but my first thought when I ingest cocaine is long term Neanderthal sexual relations. And the last thing that's humanly possible is for me to be an active participant.

So if you can picture the short, fat mulleted Jew waddling around his apartment with his underwear around his ankles chasing a hooker for six months, getting absolutely nowhere, I I had not heard the term pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I thought they were normal dating rituals. And. And what happened is my grandpa has spent his entire life building up a better life for his kids and his grandkids. I smoked it up with a sex worker in six months.

So if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, I want to welcome you. I don't know what that what that soul sickness is that you got. I don't know what that black hole of shame is that you're unwilling to separate yourself from, but that's what I brought to you. And I was taking that to the grave. I was so ashamed of my behavior that I couldn't crawl out from under that rock. And then what happened is that the US Marshals asked me to leave that apartment. They helped me move. It was very thoughtful.

They put all my stuff on the front lawn. It's very kind because the land the landlord wanted rent and I didn't have any and ended up in a little apartment in West Hollywood

and I was doubled over in a whole lot of pain. Then I went to Cedars Sinai emergency room and they gave me a shot of Demerol and they said whatever you do, don't drink. I'm like, right. So I went home and I drank 1/5 of vodka out of the bottle, which is how I drank. And, and here's where I started how to here's where I started to understand how the disease of alcoholism manifests itself in me. I believe I play by a different set of rules than anybody else on the planet.

And whatever you citizens have to adhere to. I'm a little special and I'm a little different and I'm a little more opportunistic and I can get away with stuff that you can't get away with because, well, look at me, right? Look at me. So I knew I was going to a gastroenterologist. I knew he was going to draw blood. And I was convinced to my innermost self that he would not find alcohol in my system. So he it's noon, he drew the blood. He came back and he said, do you drink? And I said, yes Sir, I have a glass of wine at night like anybody else.

And he said, it's noon, you have a .25 blood alcohol level.

He said I'd like you and you have a distended liver and I'd like to check you into the hospital to detox your liver. And I said, OK, so check me into the hospital. While they were checking me into the hospital, the detox from alcohol was so hard. I had an atrial fibrillation in my heart. They threw me into coronary care for three days and then they shuffled me off to a chemical dependency unit. So when I tell you I got to Alcoholics Anonymous dying of alcoholism,

it's not because it sounds good from the podium. It's that I was dying of alcoholism and they brought me to this chemical. It was great. They were detoxing me with a drug called Ativan, and I really liked Ativan. In fact, I would have taken one on the drive down tonight, but neither thought maybe frown on it a little bit.

So they're detoxing Ativan. They thought it would be fun to watch the Jew play volleyball on Ativan. So I broke my ankle in two places and they said we're going to a place called the Log Cabin. And I thought, cool pancakes, this is like a civilized deal.

I can do Alcoholics Anonymous and and Hillary reminded me earlier that I had put on my best outfit. We were going to a place called a log cabin at 7:30 on a Monday morning. I put on my bed. I had the San Fernando Valley Crystal meth speed Drummers mullet. I had AI had a big bushy beard. I weighed 235 lbs. I put on a purple and gold striped shirt and gold MC Hammer harem pants and they

and they wield me down Beverly Blvd. and up Robertson Ave. at 7:00 in the morning. And they carried me up these three steps at the cabin.

How you guys knew I was a newcomer, I have no idea. I'm not. But you were very kind to me and said I pushed me way over in the corner and said can you come back again tomorrow? And I said something like leave me alone because I have to come back tomorrow. I'm in this stupid hospital and they're going to make me come here every day. So leave me alone and give me more coffee. And and so I did 30 days in that beautiful chemical dependency unit. It was great. We had a great time.

It was a spiritual experience. I saw God, there were cute women. I was like, I can do this a a thing. And we had this great coining ceremony at the end of it where everyone passed around in a, a coin. Danny, we love you. Danny, you're amazing. You're going to be president of Alcoholics Anonymous. You're like, we, we got you, you got this. And I took the coin and I put it on my pocket and I got my car and I went to a liquor store and I bought 2 picks of vodka and I went home and started drinking again.

It describes me really specifically in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the difference between the heavy drinker and the alcoholic is the heavy drinkers given sufficient reason to stop, stops. And I cannot replace the cycle of spree and remorse with the cycle of of surrender and commitment by myself left to my own devices no matter what. And so I went home and I drank for four days. And I didn't drink because

I wanted to drink. And I drank because I had to drink.

I had no mental defense against the first drink. And I drank for four days. And I did all kinds of really crazy stuff, Like here's how bad the drinking was. I called an escort service, and she was really a masseuse. Like, I couldn't even get that right anymore.

And I ended up laying in my bed one night and my roommate walked past and here's how I treat people who love me. He walked past my room and I've been drinking out a bottle of vodka. And he came and said, Dan, I could swear I just saw you drink from a bottle of vodka.

And I looked at him and I said, how dare you? What kind of uncompassionate human being are you? You know, I've got a distended liver and an alcoholic heart, and if I drink, I'm going to die. And I spent 30 days in a hospital. How dare you stand there and accuse me of drinking? What kind of friend are you?

And he walked away because he wanted to believe me like everybody else in my life wanted to believe me.

And he came back in and he said, Dan, I could swear if I reach behind your pillow, I'll find a bottle of vodka. And remember, I play by a different set of rules. So I said, go for it. And so so he reached behind my pillow and pulled out a bottle of vodka and and I said, that's an old bottle. That's, that was pre hospitalization.

And April 23rd, 1990, I was standing on the front porch of my house with a set of crutches and a half drunk bottle of vodka and an overnight bag

and my mom and my baby sister came to take me back to the chemical dependency unit. And that fear and pain and terror and sadness and anguish and disgust that I saw in their eyes in that moment, I haven't had to see in anybody's eyes in over 29 years. And if that's as good as Alcoholics Anonymous gets, I can't pay you back in freaking lifetimes. So when I get asked to drive down to Paramount on a Sunday night, you bet your ass I do it because I got two actions in my life. I'm either walking towards a drink,

away from a drink. Those are my only two actions. And the more I the more I take footsteps away from a drink, the greater the opportunity I have to not drink again because I know for me to drink is to die. It's really simple and really clear. And what happened is I got busy in Alcoholics Anonymous. I started going to meetings. I got a sponsor. He had never worked a step. I had never worked a step. We were perfect together. But I called him every day and said, hi Bob, it's Danny. And he said, hi, Danny, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. I love you. Call me

tomorrow. So what he did is he made A a safe landing spot for me. I didn't have to do the steps by Thursday. I didn't have to clean up anybody's backyard. I didn't have to jump through a whole bunch of hoops. He made A, a safe landing spot for me. So if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, that's why I want to, I want to make sure you know that a, A is a safe place. A is the most inclusive experience I've ever had in my life. And we don't need you to do anything. My prayer for you is that you try not

have a drink between tonight and your next meeting. And if you do drink, come back and visit us again tomorrow anyway, right? And if you don't identify as an alcoholic yet, if you're a tweaker or a crack monster or a boogeyman or you got this crap on your shoulder and you don't identify as a pure alcoholic yet, how could you? No one's explained alcoholism to you yet,

You know, Just come back. And if someone tells you there's a whole bunch of rules, find another group,

right? Alcoholics Anonymous has a set of traditions which is designed to keep you safe in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. The only requirement for membership here is a desire to stop drinking. That's it. And if you have a desire and can't stop, you're welcome here. You know, it's very funny. My wife,

she would, she often asked me, she would go, how did your talk go? And I would say something like, well, I didn't drink and I didn't see anybody else drink. So it seemed like it was an OK talk.

So one morning she was speaking at the log cabin and the guy sitting next to her was drinking a beer out of a bag. Her whole her whole talk.

And

so I'm a much better AA speaker than she is.

And I and I let her know that with great regularity.

So if you knew, just chill, right? Just chill. So I got busy in a A and I started calling Bob. And then after about six months

I was scared. I was scared I was going to drink because I didn't believe in a power greater than myself. I hadn't started working the steps. I was, the rooms were closing in on me. I was feeling really anxious and really uncomfortable and had not had any relief. And I went to the beach and I said if there's something bigger than me, help me out. I don't believe in you. I don't know who you are. I don't have any experience with the power greater than myself. But if you're out there, help me.

And in that moment I realized that I had not had a drink in six months

and it wasn't on my own device,

right. The drink problem had been removed. Talks about it in our literature. We recoil from it as if from a hot flame. The

drink without thought or effort on my part, the drink problem had been removed. And then I got busy working the steps in a A and then I got a sponsor and we did steps as he saw them, which was some pamphlets and some printouts. And I'm not judging that because neither of us drank while we were doing it. And then we got to the 9th step,

we got to the 9th step and I went to the cemetery to talk to my dad and my grandfather and my brother and try to heal things. And, and I, you know, it talks about for any of this to have a lasting effect, it must have depth and weight. And that experience had no depth and weight for me. It was sweet and it was kind, but it wasn't meaningful. So I immediately go to the place which is where I go, which is I'm a sociopath. I have no feelings. I will never be able to do a because I can't. I have no connective tissue to anything else.

And I came back to my group and I said, what do I do? And they said, just show up and do your job in Alcoholics Anonymous. Just show up and do your job. My first sponsor, Bob, got really sick with AIDS because AIDS was really prevalent around that time at the log cabin in West Hollywood meetings. And I went to the hospital every day. And I held his hand and I kissed his forehead and I wiped his brow. And I helped ease his transition into his next phase the way he helped ease mine into Alcoholics Anonymous. And I tried to make him as safe and as comfortable as he made me.

And when he passed away, I was a little cleaner with my dad and I was a little cleaner with my brother and I was a little cleaner with my grandpa. So it just kept showing up and doing my job in Alcoholics Anonymous. And as you can imagine, the mullet and the harem pants, there was not a lot of dating, not a lot of activity. So I, I like to say I saw this woman at my morning meeting, but I stalked this woman at my morning meeting because I'm a stalker. And and if stalking doesn't

work, I snub, right? Those are my two dating skills. So she was a hairdresser and I had a mullet and I thought, I don't have the courage to ask her out on a date, but I can make a hair appointment. And in one hour of uninterrupted time, I could con her into going out with me. So I did, I made the hair appointment and I conned her into going out with me. And we went out on a Monday night and it was the perfect a a date. The moon was out, the stars were out. I heard. I knew we were going to be together

forever at like 30 minutes into the date. She didn't know that, but it didn't matter. I'd get her there

because I'm incredibly manipulative. And we had this great date and the next morning I put like, I called her 30 or 40 times and to make sure she hadn't forgotten about me. And, and on the third day she dumped me because I was freaking crazy. Like I was nuts. And, and so I got busy and she got busy and we ended up going out again and we ended up moving in together. And right after we moved in together,

here's what she said.

Honey, I'm going to Hawaii with a friend of mine. Those were her words. Honey, I'm going to Hawaii with a friend of mine. Here's what I heard. Honey, I'm going to Hawaii to have sex with the Hawaiian military. All of them.

So I called my sponsor of the day and said, this is what she's doing. She wants to go to Hawaii to date all the men on the island. And and he said, well, I'm going to tell you exactly what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous. I said, great, I need direction. He said, here's what we do. You don't allow yourself to be treated that day. That way. You are not a chump any longer. You stand up for yourself in a reasonable way. So I want you to go home and I want you to look her in the eye and say,

if you go to Hawaii, I'm gonna pack your bags and I'm gonna throw you. I'm gonna move your ass out on the street. And I thought, oh, it's a little harsh, but I'm a good a soldier, right? I'm gonna follow directions here.

I can't go against my sponsor. And then I'd made a big mistake. I opened the big book to page 69, where it says now about sex. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. Counts with others is often quite helpful, but we do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct.

It tells me it's between me and my higher power. It's no one else's business. And if you start telling me how to behave, then that's not Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't know what it is. My first once I used to try to put me on dating restriction. He liked to pick up men on the corner of Santa Monica and Highland, but he was putting me on dating restrictions. And I didn't understand the hypocrisy of that until I became a sponsor and was doing pretty much

kind of the same thing and telling my guys not to go out on dates.

But I that's why I love hypocrisy. So I, I called a guy had heard an Alcoholics Anonymous friends with Michael and Maureen and, and a bunch of people, a man named Scott Redmond. And I called him up and I said, I need some help. And he said, honey, I can help you. And, and I married her. We've been married 23 years. But I called him up and I went over to his house and he grabbed my hands. We got on our knees together and we said the third step prayer with one another right

sponsor to a sponsee or a baby to a pigeon. Whatever craziness I hear it was one alcoholic holding hands with another alcoholic, inviting God into the solution. And then he introduced me to the inventory processes outlined in the big book. Resentment, fear and sexual misconduct. The three areas of my life were alcoholism presents itself the most where if I treated like a real piece of business. I have an opportunity to live a life that I was unequipped to live when I got here. Resemblance the number one offender. It has the power to actually kill. I use this example often because I've been married

23 years and I write this resentment often. I'm resentful at my wife. What's the 'cause she's behaving like herself? It's incredibly inconvenient to me, right? So behaving. All she said was good morning, but she said it the wrong way and I know what she was thinking behind that. Good morning.

So I'm resentful of my wife because she's behaving like herself. What does it affect in me? And here's how I think. I'm 29 years sober and here's how I think it affects myself Esteem. I've married been because I've married beneath me.

It affects my ambition. It makes me want to be less of a good husband. It affects my personal relations, self esteem, ambition, personal relations because I'm willing to gossip about her to anyone that will listen. It affects my self esteem, my pocketbook because I'm wasting too much go on her. And it affects my sexual relations because I start withholding all of this from her and

then it tells me exactly what to do with that information, right? We just, the inventory's mine. We disregard the other person entirely. All she did was say good morning. But I got alcoholism and I got two choices. I can either accept the responsibility and treat my alcoholism and alcohol. It's anonymous

or I can kill the marriage because she said good morning the wrong way. So what are my defects of character that if God were to remove the resentment would be lifted? I'm judgmental, I'm punitive, I'm retaliatory. I'm playing God. I'm not trusting God. I'm not living in today. I've I'm sober longer than she is. So I've got spiritual, I'm closer to God than she is. So I've got spiritual pride. I've got false pride. I'm punitive. I'm retaliatory.

I've I've got something my favorite, which is silent scorn. Really silent scorn coupled with mind reading is the key to a happy marriage.

So right, I got all this stuff going on. I got all this stuff going on and she's done nothing. But I got alcoholism. And what happens for me is if I don't treat it like a real piece of business, then I get ashamed. I think because I'm 29 years sober, I'm not supposed to experience that anymore. And then I don't treat it. And then things start to spiral downward for me. So what? And and I'm unwilling to allow alcoholism to do that. So then the fear part of the inventory?

I get afraid all the time. I get afraid all the time. I had

about two weeks ago, I'll make this really quick. About two weeks ago, I went to my normal. I gave myself on my sober birthday. I gave myself the gift of an annual physical, right? So I go to the doctor. I'm having my echo stress test. They find it in irregularity in the heartbeat and says I want to check you into the hospital overnight and do an angiogram. And I thought, OK, whatever, you know, I do whatever you tell me to do, spend the night in the hospital. They come to take me down to this test,

they wheel me down, they hook me up, they put all this crap all over me and we and it's me and a table and a big white light. And then I hear, uh oh, which is not what I wanted to hear. And he said, we've got an emergency. We've got to take you back to your room and we'll come back and get you in three or four hours, which doesn't do well with me because it gave me the opportunity to get incredibly afraid.

And and then no action.

So I go back to my room and I'm afraid of dying on the table. I'm afraid I'm not going to make it through this. I'm afraid I'm going to leave a single mom. I'm afraid I'm going to leave my daughter without a parent. I'm afraid all of this stuff. And I call my sponsor and I read it to him and I get on my knees in the hospital room and say, dear God, please remove my fear of dying on the table and direct my attention to what you would have me be at once we commenced outgrow fear. And then they came and got me and we did the test and did whatever and and I went on. Right.