The Paramount group in Paramount, CA

Ah, quit H bump down in

Hi, I'm Chris and I'm an alcoholic.

I want to thank Lisa for asking me to come out and participate in my own recovery. It's always an honor and a privilege to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous. There's a lot of things I love doing here. Like, you know, I I have commitments in my meetings and so and I've done all sorts of different commitments, like I've been the trash lady. So in the ladies room I take out the trash.

I'm the toilet paper girl. I don't know, for whatever reason, I sounds like I get stuck in the bathroom, but, but not like I used to.

But

but you know, speaking is not one of my favorite things to do. But you know, I've learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that I don't necessarily have to like it.

I get to do it because it really is a privilege to be among you. You know, I'm not one of those. I'm not one of those Alcoholics that just had one, you know, a few too many cocktails and had to call it quits. I just don't drink like that. I get I gave it my absolute all and and it worked out exactly the way it was supposed to.

My sobriety date is January 19th, 1996. I have a Home group that's the Bellflower Big Book Group and I have a sponsor and that's Hilda F And

you know, I talk about those things first because for me those are the foundations and new one. If you don't have a sobriety date, it's really important that you get one. If you don't have a sponsor, there's plenty of people here. This is a really wonderful group. There's a lot of really fantastic people here. I mean, I could just look even and I can't. I can look just in the very front row and see people that I've known for decades,

people that have have known me very well, that have literally saved my life.

And you know, where else can you go? You know where you can find that except for the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I was taught to Sharon a general way what I used to be like, what happened to me and what I'm like today. And I was raised in, in Wilmington, CA And you know, I love being local because you, I'll share that like in Santa Barbara or wherever else I'm sure, you know, I've shared and people will say Wilmington, NC and I'm like, no, no,

and a little different, a little different.

Wilmington, for those of you who are not local, you could take the 110 freeway until you see the sulfur in the air. And that's, that's Wilmington surrounded by refineries. It's called the heart of the harbor. And, and I know that there's a couple of we met us out here. Yes, they're here. And, and I love that. I love seeing my people here in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. We're making the

we're making Wilmington just a little bit better a day at a time. And, and I was raised with my grandparents who were really good, hard working people, blue collar, like really wonderful people because my mom drank a lot like an alcoholic. And so they loved me a lot. I was spoiled. I was really well taken care of. I grew up going to Catholic school. I'm not one of those people that suffered from my Catholic school experience. I really, I enjoyed it. I still, you know, you know, I still love being

I, you know, when things go wrong, even actually, in fact, when I was drinking, when things weren't going the way I thought they should. Like you're driving along and you see a red light flash in your car. Immediately my hand goes up to do the side of the cross and,

and, and I and I enjoyed Catholic school and that's where I ended up taking my first drink. I was about 14 years old. I didn't have any real pressing problems. I had a pretty easy going life. But in my mind, I, you know, I was plagued with myself.

I'm selfish and self-centered. And I remember feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm half Mexican and half Puerto Rican. And I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb in my neighborhood. And I know that, you know, that that just wasn't the case. My my block, my neighborhood was like Wilmington's version of the UN. The people across the street were Hawaiian and then two doors down from Venezuela, and

they're Filipinos next door and other Puerto Ricans. And

I mean, I can go on and on, but in my mind, I stuck out like a sore thumb. And, you know, I had, I remember that first drink. I was at my friend Lisa's house. Her brother was home from college and he had his friends over and they brought some beer. And I thought, and you know, I've never seen anyone drunk before that point. Not really. Not that I could remember, actually. And so we steal the beer. Well, my idea was that we steal the beer. And so we did

and it was a case of Miller

and it seemed like a really good idea at the time. And I remember taking that first drink, I remember like immediately recognizing that there is magic in alcohol. There is magic in Miller. And, and I just love the way it made me feel. You know, I was the fact that I looked probably exactly like I do, but maybe like 20 lbs lighter. Back then at 14, it used to bug me because all my friends were stick figures and I look like a grown woman.

I went to the movies last night and I I watched that movie Good Boys. It was so funny.

But there is this one kid who's bigger than everyone else and they're, they like joke because he, they're supposed to be little kids. And they joke that they wanted to go somewhere they weren't supposed to go, but they thought they'd get by because their friend looked like he was in college, even though he was like 10. That was me. Like I was like this fully developed woman at 14 and it bugged me. But when I took a drink, it just didn't matter. I didn't even care. I didn't care about anything. In fact, you were so lucky that you were around me. And.

Yeah. And so, you know, I, while we're drinking, we just had so much fun. And I remember thinking in the midst of it, why don't we toilet paper the convent where the nuns live? And my friends had been drinking. They also thought that was a good idea. So we did. We went to the convent, and it's a long walk from where she lived. She lived near the projects. And it was like, you know, halfway across town. And so we get there, we took our Miller with us and we start toilet papering the convent and I start to feel sick

and, and I knew it was because I had the flu. And so I, I just wanted to put my head down so I could kind of stop. I was starting to feel spinny. So I put my head down and then the next thing I know, I start to vomit. The lights come on at the convent. The nuns come out and new one. No, they're not. They're not into it. Like when you vomit at the foot of the Blessed Mother, it's not cool.

And I was to experience consequences as a result of my drinking.

And they, it just didn't matter. You know, consequences were kind of irrelevant. And it was nothing personal. It had nothing to do with you. I was, I hurt my grandmother's feelings. I hurt her a lot in my drinking. My, my family was very disappointed in me many, many times. And my reaction to that was, gosh, that really seems like a personal problem. You want to get yourself together before you come at me like that. And

because it wasn't personal, you know, at the end of the day, I just drink period. And it, and it doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter if I have little kids, it doesn't matter. None of that matters. I just drink. And I've also done other things,

a new one that means drugs.

But you know, I, I don't consider myself a drug addict. I, I remember like, you know, if I went somewhere and they'd say, you know, this drug is this amount of money, I'm like, well, I don't have enough. And they, they'd say, well, I bet you can do a favor. And I'd be like, I bet I can't. Good luck, you know, because you know, there's Thunderbird and Night Train, whatever for $1.99 back then.

That's easy peasy. I don't need to do any of that. And I love that. Like the liquor store, the grocery, you can go anywhere to get alcohol, just about anywhere and they don't even care. Like the liquor store guy, he may look at you, but you're like, you know what, you work in a liquor store, dude, really. And so you just take your alcohol and you go about your business. So and so that was just the way I drank. And if you would have told me from that very first drink,

you know, Chris, by the time you know, you're 16, you're going to get shot in your own front yard,

I wouldn't have believed you. I'm not that kind of girl. I don't come from that kind of family. If you would have said, you know, Chris, during your drinking, you're going to get in fist fights on a regular basis, you're going to get your teeth kicked in, I would not have believed you because I don't live like that. I'm not that kind of girl. I don't come from that kind of family. But for me, the minute I take a drink, all bets are off. That's the kind of alcoholic I am. As I mentioned in the beginning, I'm not that kind that had won too many cocktails. I'm the kind that Harvard Division Police Department know me pretty intimately when they

see me. I'm that kind that Child Protective Services like I always have an open case somehow and there's always some threat about taking away my kids. I'm the alcoholic that I don't always have electricity in my house. I I sometimes have food, but sometimes I don't. And that's just the way I drink. But if you would have told me in the beginning that's the way my drinking would end up, I would never have believed you because I'm just not like that.

And

so I drank throughout high school.

I was a good student, though. I made it through high school. I went to college and I was hanging out with this guy. He was, he was like a homeboy. We we hung out and, and, and we did other things and,

but you know, and so one day I'll just say one day he said to me, I want to marry you. And I thought, God, like now, like he totally messed up my buzz and, and I did not want to be rude.

So I was like, OK, and, and he was serious. Like he really did want to marry me. And, and so we got married and we had a couple of babies and, and he drank just like I did. And it was, it was pandemonium. It was a lot of insanity. And at the end of our marriage, I knew that there was a huge problem in our life. He was a salesman. He sold out site issues and again, new one that's drugs and

and he he wasn't the best salesman and he sometimes did things to upset other people And

our house is raided all the time. And you know, it's just like is just I wasn't raised to live like that. And I knew there was a problem and it was clear that it was him. And I figured if, if we could just get rid of him, it's all good. And so

one day he went out to conduct some business and, and, and I got my things and I got my children and I left And he, he didn't like that. He was,

I guess he wanted some notice. And so

he followed me home from work one day because I had moved all the way to San Clemente. And he followed me home from work And, and it was like, he went to a bar first, of course, like that's what you do. And he broke into my apartment at like, I don't know, two or three in the morning. And I don't necessarily like that. And I needed to let him know that this behavior was absolutely unacceptable. And so I stabbed him

and it wasn't like serial killer stab. It was just a little go away. And he,

he, he understood, you know, he got the message and he essentially went away and, and I, and I was able to move back to the harbor area and resume my life. And I had no idea, no idea that when I, when I moved wherever I was, I took me with me. And so, so I'm back here in the area, I'm working in downtown Long Beach. And my days aren't, you know, my life isn't normal and I don't recognize that,

you know, alcoholism is really elusive. And I know I drink a lot, but it's it seems to be the solution and it really does. I wake up with this, it's just this heaviness in my chest and it, it's just a lot. And I wake up with this knot in my gut and often I'm trembling. And the only thing that really fixes that is just a, a drink. And it's just a little drink. And so I don't wake up to an alarm clock like normal people do. I wake up to my four and five year old who say, Mommy,

me, you know, it's time for you to get up and take us to school. And they did that seven days a week because they didn't know, you know what, what day they go to school and what they didn't. My kids were easy to spot on the playground. They were the little kids that it was really clear nobody was looking out for them. They were the little girls who had wild hair, had dirty clothes. Sometimes their shoes were on right and sometimes they weren't. And I never meant to be a bad mom,

Just alcohol comes first. And,

you know, I remember when I first came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, when we read a vision for you. And it says we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. And, you know, I know I have passed on a message of Alcoholics Anonymous to other mothers here, mothers who have done regrettable things, you know, around their kid. But I'll tell you that clearly, you know the authors of our book weren't moms,

because that is something that I clearly regret it. It's an awful way to raise your kids.

And,

and so I would go to, I would. So when I would wake up, my girls knew to bring me vodka and whatever, like orange juice or cranberry juice, whatever. And I could just get myself going. They would get my clothes. And so envision a four and five year old picking out my wardrobe. So sometimes the clothes would go together and sometimes they wouldn't. And it just didn't matter. I just needed to show up because somebody needed to pay the bills, somebody needed to buy the booze. And so I would go to work,

shrink on the way to work because it helped me feel better. I dropped the girls off at school that wasn't necessarily considered drinking and driving because how else are they going to get to school? And so I would go to work. I'd work until noon, lunchtime. And at lunchtime I would go across the street and get a Margarita and two shots of tequila. And and that wasn't like margaritas aren't drinking, that's fruit.

And shots are, are so little, like they, they hardly count as anything.

Plus I'm eating, I'm eating chips and salsa, so that's not drinking. So I'd go back to work and I do well, like really well. I was really happy to be there. And, and I do well until 3:00-ish. And then right around that time, it was so hard to get through the day so hard, but I knew that it right at 5:00 I'm out the door and right at 5:00 I have a bottle of Southern Comfort and squirt. And what you do with that new one is in case you know,

a doesn't work for you, I'm kidding.

I would take the bottle of Squirt and empty it mostly out, maybe that much, and then put Southern Comfort in the rest. And it's a great mixture. You can drive and drink at the same time and no one will even know that you're drinking. And and so I, I did that every day. And if you would have said, Chris, I think you have a problem with your drinking, I would have thought you're totally nuts. There's no way I have a problem. And

and so I have a coworker and she's just lovely.

She is really lovely, like happy all the time. Little you know, she's like Miss Sunshine. And I knew like in your gut. No, like right when I saw her, I thought it's clear she smokes weed every day because like, why else?

And

And so one day she had asked me to go to the storage closet and she had a key chain with the chip on the end. And I noticed this chip had a Camel and it's, you know, it's an AH, but I didn't really know

a lot about AAI, didn't really know what it was. And I asked her what, you know, what is this chip? And she said, I've been sober, say 10 years a day at a time. And immediately I thought, how sad that is. Wow. And she said, you know, And so this is like July or August, I think it was July. And she said, I just don't drink a day at a time. And I thought, well, what do you do at Christmas and New Year? I'm I'm worried about that in July

And she says just, I just do it one day at a time. And she said, I think you should check out this meeting on 3rd and Miramar. I think you'd really like it. And I thought how rude. Just because you're an alcoholic does not make me an alcoholic. And I'm like, God, some people. And so I, I,

I have a friend though, and my friend drinks a lot, like she steals it. And you know, if you have to steal it, that's, that's a problem. And so I, I figured if my friend goes to this meeting, I'll go with her for support. And so I go to this meeting and this woman from Wilmington was there and she was sharing her name's Dodi G and she's still sober to this day. And she talked about being from Wilmington and it caught my attention. And she talked about her two boys and I have two girls and

I knew I wasn't doing too hot as a Mama. And so I, I paid attention and she talked about her drinking. And when she did that, my heart just sank because I knew. I knew when you know, you know, and, and I, I couldn't, I couldn't deny it. And I really, really wanted what you had. I, I just, I didn't want to do what you did. And

so this woman approaches me at the end of the meeting and asked me if I had a sponsor

and I knew nothing about sponsorship. And I just said I have no money. And she said, no, no, a a doesn't work like that. And she says, I, I can help you stay sober today at a, a day at a time. And, and I, I couldn't think of why I needed to necessarily. I mean, I knew that that's what I was, but I just said, well, I don't know. And she said, you know, I want you to read the 1st 164 pages of the big book

and I want you to go to 90 meetings and 90 days

want you to get commitments and all the meetings that I suggest you get commitments in. I want you to call me every day till I tell you not to call me. And I thought, my God, like this is a little overkill. And I, I, I just did not have time for all that. I have kids, you know, I just don't have time. And so I went to meetings on occasion, like, you know, whenever I needed one. And luckily I only needed one maybe twice a month.

And she had me read the big book and I, I read it, was not impressed.

And and so, you know, interestingly, I decided to kind of work the steps on my own and I decided there were some I just didn't need and some that I was going to definitely utilize. And so

and so in January, so I did this for several months. And you know, I'm not one of those people that can be have the knowledge that I'm an alcoholic, not drink and be OK. I'm just not. And so I stopped drinking.

In August of 95 and, and I'll give you an example of what my non drinking was like because I can't even call it sobriety.

I was, I called the I was going to go to a potluck for one of UAA people. And so I called the, I think the Ralphs and I said, do you have rotisserie chicken? And they said, we absolutely do. Said fantastic, hang up the phone. And of course I'm running late. And so I'm in a big rush and I get to Ralph's and I say, can you tell me where the rotisserie chicken is? And they say

we don't have any rotisserie chicken here. And clearly it was their fault, right? I was livid. And there was a jar of mayonnaise at the counter that I was at. And I pick it up and I throw it across the store. And I tell the clerk what I think about her and her ability. And I mean, like this scene, I have a very explosive temper. You like

generally just without a drink, without a program. I'm a hot mess.

And

that's what happens when I don't drink, in fact. So I leave the the parking lot and this car cuts me off. The universe was absolutely against me. And somebody had given me this stone that said serenity. And as that car cuts me off, I threw my serenity stone out the window at this car. And how apropos. And

so January, a friend of mine invites me to a party and I tell her, you know, I don't, I don't drink. And she goes, well, So what

I'm like, yeah, So what? So I get to this party. I had no idea anyone that I would have no defense against that first drink. I heard that in meetings. I didn't quite understand what that meant. I I really didn't get it. And so I go and I'm having a great time and someone offers me a drink. And I said, I don't drink. And they said, girlfriend, it's on me. And I said, well, yeah, that is kind of different like this.

And so I remember I had, I thought, you know, if I just have no, no defense, I couldn't stop myself knowing

the way I lived before I got to you. And, and I thought, I'll have three, I'll have three and then I'll cut it out and, and then it'll all be good. And I'm sure I really overreacted about this a a step. So I remember the three. And then the next thing I know, I came to at this lovely establishment, it was called the Catalina Inn. It's on PCH near Redondo. It's one of those establishments for the more frugal folk where you can pay by the hour.

I came to on the ground and I, I didn't know really most of the people that were around me.

I didn't remember how I got there, didn't know where my car was or my keys or my jacket or my shoes. And, you know, that morning, I knew exactly what you were talking about when you described, when you talked about incomprehensible demoralization. I remember hearing the women in that room say, talk about how pitiful I was because I really needed to have a drink that morning to just get up after one night of drinking. I just needed to drink.

And I walked home and I called that sponsor and

she asked me a question that changed my life. She asked me if I was absolutely willing to do whatever it took to stay sober. And I said yes ma'am. And I'm not a yes ma'am kind of gal. I, I really don't do well, you know, taking direction or doing what people say. But when it comes to Alcoholics Anonymous, I become very, very willing to take sponsored direction. And, and so she, she gave me the same plan she did at the beginning. And this time I just didn't balk. I knew whatever

I had about the way my life was supposed to run just didn't work. And so I started taking taking her guidance and she had me do 90 meetings in 90 days. We started working in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and it was just like life started getting good

and, and I didn't necessarily even recognize it.

I got my first car in Alcoholics Anonymous. My other car, the the car that I came into you with had a radiator that was bungee cord to the front

far and I carried a gallon of water because it would overheat sometimes and I'm not mechanically inclined. So this is so interesting. I would when it would overheat, I'd go, Oh my gosh, I'd pull over and I'd get the gallon of water and I'd pour water all over the front bungee looking part And I was like, OK, it's going to work now. And sometimes it didn't, sometimes it did.

And And now, Needless to say, I came into a real hot mess. And,

and as I start working the steps with her and it was clear I was powerless over alcohol, it was really clear that my life was unmanageable.

I had to find a God of my own understanding that worked even in the middle of the night when you're not there. And, you know, as I've gotten older, my God's changed. And, and because I've changed, I'm mature. And so my God has to mature with me because I can't have the same God I had when I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And she had me write out an inventory and there was a lot of stuff on there I wasn't going to tell her

because it was frankly none of her business. And as I'm sitting there sharing with her my footsteps,

she starts sharing with me. And I was floored. I had no idea that my sponsor was such a horror. And

but one of the things that I discovered was that, you know,

I could tell her absolutely anything and she never judged me. And, and it's a great feeling, you know, because I've had those situations. I'll tell you one story. Ruby asked me to tell the story. I'm supposed to give Shout outs to people, my Nelly

and then and then Kiko and and Natalie and, and there's a lot of you that I just absolutely love in here. But

let's see, where was I

Ruby told me to tell this story. So my kid was in this priest. My kids were in this preschool in, in Long Beach, right off Atlantic. And and it was a Christian preschool, really nice place, very nice people. And every time I would and but it was just like, the location was really poor

because it was right across the street from my work, but like a few doors down was El Torito. And they have Taco Tuesday and happy hour. And so I would get off work, go to happy hour and, you know, have some drinks and then go pick up the girls. But daycare ends at a certain time and I'm always running late. And the pastor one time said, you know, you look like you are on fire, like the devil's got you. And I was like, oh, less blush next time, right? Like it was just not like it

register and the girls wanted to go on a play date with their friends. So the mom and I arranged the play date and we we you know, I go over there and I'm drinking all the way there. And I realized like, I don't, I don't want to be like messed up in front of these people. I don't really know her very well. And so I just put like a little bump of speed inside my beverage so that way I can stay a little alert. And

so I get there and I recognize like I may be overshot the mark

and the kids are playing and I, I'm on the verge of telling them they need to just quiet it down. And I see a police car pull up in the driveway. And immediately I sober up. The dad was a cop and I had no idea. And I was like, I see him coming and I think we have got to go. We have got to go right now. Get your things. And the mom is looking at me because as it was, she was looking at me because I'm behaving a little strangely and and I grabbed

kids and I say, oh, look at the time. No, watch on. Oh, my, look at the time. And I am

out the door. Out the door,

but new one if you have, you know, if that's your story, you know, they, we don't have to live like that anymore. And in sobriety, I've I've taken my kids to play dates in other people's homes and other kids have come to my home and that's like such an honor. I was always, you know, at at Bellflower, we have a New Year's Eve celebration and my first few years of sobriety, I was in charge of daycare and what an honor. You know, I'm the the person that people are like

not let her babysit your kids ever. And, and I'm in charge of daycare at Alcoholics Anonymous. And,

and so, you know, I, I'm doing these things my sponsor suggesting me to do and I'm working steps. And I had to write a list of people that I had harmed. And I knew that there was some that weren't going to go well at all. And is specifically my granny, like I loved her so much, but in my drinking, I created a lot of wreckage. Like, she was held at gunpoint as a result of my behavior.

And I remember telling my sponsor, I don't know how you make that right. I threatened her. Like, I got nose to nose to her. And I let her know that I was gonna harm her. And I said to my sponsor, you just can't make that right. And she looked at me, and she just smiled. And she says we do it a day at a time. You're in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I just knew she had no idea. You know, at the time, I thought she's just a nice girl from Bellflower. She just wouldn't know. But then again, I had no idea. There is no such thing as nice girls from Bellflower,

so

she

the things you learn in Alcoholics Anonymous. But one of my favorite people is from Bellflower. And so

my sponsor suggested I do it a day at a time. And I take my grandmother to the grocery store on Sundays because she didn't drive. And so I start taking her to the grocery store and she wants to stop off at Denny's on the way home. And I don't like Denny's.

And we'd go there and she would order for me and she'd order Moons over Miami. I like, I totally don't like moons over Miami at all. And so I let my sponsor know I don't like Denny's. I don't like Moons over my hammy. And she said, you know, you're going to learn to like Denny's and you'll love Moons over Miami. And she totally lied. I don't to this day like either of them. But one of the things that happened was

I got to develop this relationship with my granny right across the table at Denny's.

And, and it was amazing. You know, that was the impossible and the impossible becomes possible here in Alcoholics Anonymous when we're willing to do the work. And you know, sometimes that just becomes so elusive here. You know, I, I had a sponsor, Karen G was my sponsor for about 17 years. And I love Karen so much and she's a big, big deal in my life. All of these incredible milestones. And, and if you haven't heard Karen's talk, she can give a one hour talk,

10 minutes flat. And you should look her up on YouTube. Karen Garrison. And she was just really instrumental. I, I had told her one day I think I want to go back to college and she's OK, We'll do the footwork and then let me know. I said, OK, well, by the next time I called her, I changed my mind. And so I said, I don't know. She says, why don't you do the footwork and call me back? And she like, hung up on me

and I said, I'm just clearly there was a loose connection. Something went wrong.

And but she essentially wouldn't talk to me until I did the footwork. And so I did. And I was able to, I went to college and I went back again and got a master's degree from UC Irvine. And, you know, my life has been big. And all those big deals in Alcoholics Anonymous, when my daughter had her baby, you know, all of these things, when I bought my house, when I started my business, all these incredible things. Karen was right there in my corner. She lived in Venice and she would drive when my kid ran away. She took days off work to be with me and my family

and that's what we do here. And, and so it's, you know, I got older, she got older and she started to get dementia and it was hard.

And you know, I'm ghetto loyal and

and Karen and I used to joke Karen blood in, blood out. None of us. We ain't going nowhere. And I leaving her for nothing. And I had no idea that I was as a result of not speaking to anybody and just staying loyal to my sponsor who has dementia. I'm really dying of alcoholism

and I didn't see it. I didn't know it. My house is in complete pandemonium. One of my daughters is on the street homeless. My other daughter is just a drunken mess. She had three DUI. The last one was assault on a police officer and resisting arrest. her and I fought in the street near her house. And I have no idea that I'm suffering from alcoholism. And

so she dies on a Monday. And it was the timing was perfect. God's timing is always perfect

and I was on my way to my meeting when I found out and what a perfect place for me to lose it. And so Tuesday I go to Macy's to go shopping and new one I. I hate this story and my sponsor. And there's many of you who know my sponsor and she insisted I tell it.

But so Tuesday I go to Macy's to exchange a gift and I'm on the phone with a client and I'm the client only speaks Spanish. So we're talking in Spanish. And I cut someone in line. I didn't notice

and I hear this lady say effing wet back this F and wet back that. So I get off the phone to see where the F and wetback was and,

and she was talking to me and I said, because

as I was trained here in Alcoholics on him, as I said, I'm really sorry I didn't, I guess I wasn't paying attention. And I said go ahead. And she just kept going and she kept going. And then I don't necessarily I don't remember what happened, but I kind of came to and I had a hand on her neck and she was up against the mirror and I said to her, I just heard. I like kind of woke up when I heard my voice

say to her.

You say one more word, I'm going to knock every tooth out of your effing face.

And she was pretty surprised, as I was. And,

and you know, it was just a scene. I'll tell you,

I said, Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. And she's like, what on earth? Like she, I'm sure she thought like this lady is totally lost her mind. And I'm like, I'm, I'm really sorry. I don't know what happened. I apologize. And she's trying to tell them to call the cops. And you know, I, I think God was right there right then. People have been telling me, Chris, you need to get a sponsor.

I couldn't hear it. And right when she's yelling, I need you to call the cops. And I'm thinking, my gosh, I can't go to jail in these clothes. And and then the next thing I know is I look over at the counter at the people that work there and the girl behind, immediately behind the counter, I had handled one of her cases and the other one, I did an adoption for her. And they vote like they adored me. And they both were saying to the girl, you should leave. You started it. And so she left. Nobody called the cops. I was like, my God,

thank you that I did not go to jail that day. And immediately I thought I should probably get a sponsor. And

so I called this woman who known for a long time and, and I tell her what happened and she's freaked out. She said, my God, you could go to prison. Like, would you want to go to prison? And I thought, jeez, I cannot have a sponsor. Who's going to be afraid of my crazy, you know what I mean? Like, 'cause this woman will never sleep. And so I talked to my friend Deborah, and Deborah said you should call Hilda. And I said, all right, so I called Hilda and

I tell Hilda what happened. Oh, and Deborah said, I need you to tell her what happened. And I'm like, I don't want to tell her. She said tell her what happened. So I tell Hilda and as soon as I tell her what happened, I don't hear anything on the other end. And I thought, oh, great. And the reason is because she was laughing so hard she couldn't catch her breath. And and she said, you know, honey, we don't live that way a day to time. I'll meet you at the meeting

tonight. And so I, I did. And I've been on this journey with her ever since.

And you know, it hasn't been easy at all, it at all. I've experienced so much in Alcoholics Anonymous these last two years that I've never experienced before. I've experienced betrayal, I've experienced loss and fear and frustration and you know, all the bedevilments, all of that, all of that. And, you know, at the end of the day, I haven't had to take a drink, although, and I am not,

you know,

at 23 years of sobriety, it's so it's not always about having to take a drink. I really just didn't want to live anymore. I really didn't. And it seemed like that was the right solution. And you know, God talks to me exactly the way I need to hear it.

One day I was at at the gym at my apartment and I'm working out and I hear and I was like, why am I doing this? Life just doesn't seem to matter. And I hear Cypress Hill and, and in the immortal words of Cypress Hill,

I ain't going out like that, you know. And,

and I thought, what a punk way to go out, you know what I mean? And I just thought I, I just got to keep trying. And, and then just more betrayal, more disappointment, more loss. And my beautiful friend Nelly suggested I come to a meeting with her. And Nelly and I hadn't talked for a long time, and we had made things right between us. And so she asked me to come here

and I said, I don't know why I'm, I'm probably not going to do IA anymore.

And so I come to your women's meeting and, and I'm like getting ready to go. And as I'm leaving, Tanya was outside and she's like, do you have a minute? And I'm like, yeah. And you all know how warm and fuzzy she is. And she says to me, you're not fucking leaving. A A Those are her words, not mine.

You're not effing leaving. A, A you hear me. And I it just, I, I need to hear it the way I needed to hear it.

And I think if she would have said, honey, we love you so much, I would have said, yeah, yeah. But I, I needed to hear it the way I needed to hear it. And, and I've just been showing up a day at a time. And, you know, I had a lot of insanity in my life at the time. I had a person in my life that was just really toxic. And you know, it's interesting the way God works.

The minute that person was out of my life,

everything started to change like that.

You know, I had struggled to make him a living.

Like, I don't know why or how. I'm just getting all these cases one after the other. And I'm like, OK, my daughter wasn't speaking to me immediately. My daughter is speaking to me. I hadn't seen my grandson in a long time. I'm seeing my grandson on the weekends. You know, my, my marriage was estranged. It was no longer estranged. It was just it, like it just everything just started really falling into place exactly the way it was supposed to, you know?