The Paramount group in Paramount, CA

Pleasure to introduce our main speaker, Candace M from Los Angeles.

Hi everyone, Candace Moore, alcoholic. So thank you so much for

for the invitation. Thank you Lisa, really appreciate. It's always good to see you and all my friends here. I'm so grateful. I'm just so grateful to be sober. You know what I mean? I'm really grateful to not be drunk. That's the first thing and I'm great

to be sober. And, and I was talking to some new girls, you know, just asking, did you get sober? Could you want to get sober? Did they, they force you in here? You know what I mean? And that's important because, because the shift is even more significant, right? There are things I've done because I have been told to do them. And then I, I resisted. And then what happened is the experience was so gratifying.

I was just amazed. And you're going to find, or at least it's been my experience, that a lot of sobriety is like that. There are my consciousness. I didn't have the band, the emotional bandwidth, the awareness to want to do all the things that I covet today that are my life, that are so sacred to me. And so this is not a program of whether or not I feel like it, this is a program of action. You know what I mean? It has saved my life so many times, especially my friend Aurillo and I are talking because I have one

day more than he does.

I don't want to call you out like that. I'm just like reporting the facts, you know what I mean? And we know each other back from the Bellflower big book group days, right? And so just just thinking of staying here, you know, my, my birthday is in August. My sobriety date is August 16th, 1995. Like that's crazy. How does that what, how does that even happen? What do you mean you've stayed here? You know, like it just The thing is, I

stay anywhere by the time I got sober, I didn't stay anywhere by the time I got sober. And I, I also think of the, the fact that I travel quite a bit in my life, right? And so and I have nice luggage and so my luggage used to be trash bags. Do you know what I mean? Like that was so normal. But what was interesting is I was arrogant. So how can you be arrogant and your luggage be trash bags?

That's so crazy, I didn't even think about that till now. Anyway,

you have to do some writing, you know what I mean? I just inflicted post traumatic stress on myself. And

yeah, so August 16th, 1995, man, I'm going to show you I, I was so exhausted when I got sober. I was so exhausted. Like I just couldn't get enough sleep because of how I run out there as an alcoholic woman. It's inconceivable. Like I, I get frightened

when I think of the, the, the people I love, the newly sober people I love and I know they're going out into the world and I just like, think of all the things that are out there and, and I just didn't have the awareness then. It was just the only way I lived. You know what I mean? I loved drinking.

That was it. We were going to ride off into the sunset period until the fact that I haven't drank nor taken anything that has affected me from my neck up since August 16th, 1990. That's just mind blowing. And it's probably more mind blowing because I'm closer to, you know what I mean, coming up on another birthday until my 23 is going to be a 24, you know what I mean? Like just all those significant things and

how I got sober, it's always important that I share it because I, you know, what I'm going to do is I'm going to call it courts and I'm going to get a picture of my last arrest. I know if I can get that picture, I will be humble forever. Like, I just know,

you know, I mean, uh-huh. So anyway, so August 16, 1995, I got sober. I was 96 lbs. Let's just start there, right? Because we are not 96 today

and and I got sober at 28. So I'm 52 and you know, I remember I looked older then than I do now. That's how exhaust is. How worn out, not exhausted don't make it pretty worn out. I was right. So in all my pictures of me when I was in my 20s, I've always been like a size 2, size 4 and so.

But in every picture I was always sucking in my stomach. Every picture.

Why right now that I should suck it in? I don't want to and

all those years have worn me out. I don't want to hold it in. And so when I got sober, I didn't have a strand of hair on my head because when I drink, I do enhance my drinking with just a couple of things that keep me up for 8-9 days at a time. And so I'm very alert during that process. And when I got sober, I was missing my front tooth. Let me tell you in a in a nutshell,

what happened with that.

I shared an opinion and it was not supported. That's what happened.

I never, I never stopped talking, though, right? You can't shut me down. No one puts baby in a corner, you know what I mean? And so, yeah. And the fact is, how was that possible? So 20, let's just let's just review the facts, you know, I mean, like, why not? So I'm 28

ball headed, toothless, 96 lbs

in a committed relationship

with alcohol. That's deep. And that was my definition of love. And the reason that's important is because over the years that I've remained sober, I have had to redefine so many things. I asked that if you are here tonight, especially our new friends, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Get a sponsor that's not going to sponsor you through conversation. Get a sponsor that will sponsor you from the book Alcoholics Anonymous because that's where the program is. It's not possible for me to look like that because if I look like that, you already know

I was living.

That's the deal. It's the unspoken shame that I had to come here and treat in Alcoholics Anonymous because this is more than me growing my hair, right? I've grown my hair. I've cut my hair, you know what I mean? This is more than putting on some weight and getting rid of some weight, putting on some more weight, making peace with that. This is more than going to the dentist and getting my toothpicks. This is about me healing from the inside out. I remember I went through a recovery home and a recovery home has nothing to do with Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm grateful. I'm grateful for the

homes I went through because it took me off the street because I'm not safe because there's no safe place for me to lay my head when I'm out there. You know I am the proud Kitty mother of Sasha and Bianca and my cat. I'm going to tell you something. My cats are like they are princesses and I was just want you know how you just observe because you live in a quiet home and our home is quiet and they have 5 beds, 2 Kitty condos multi level. Anyway, when I go get into it, I remember, but I will get

so I just remember for for Bianca's birthday, you know, I went to Petco and because I was like, OK, what can you? So I went and like she, you know, they had like tons of Kitty toys and I'm like she had 75% of all those toys already. I'm just saying, I'm not saying I'm a great mom, but if you want to say it, that's fine.

So I was watching my older, my my oldest cat, Sasha. And so she was, she was sleeping because that's like what they do in their whole life. And so she was sleeping,

so she roused herself. So she jumped off of 1 bed and she went to another bed and she's like kneading with her little paws, you know, kind of stretching, just kind of easing into the day. And then she like sauntered over to her bowl and she always has dry food. And she didn't gorge, she didn't need to, she nibble just a little bit, you know, it's just a little bit little snack. And then she walked back and jumped in her other bed and she went back to sleep. And I said, look at that. That's a beautiful thing. Because what that means is she doesn't have

eat it all because she knows there's food. Do you know what I mean? She went back to sleep because it's a safe space. I didn't have that. And the fact that I've taken all 12 steps have allowed me not just to have a spiritual awakening, but I continue to have spiritual experiences that I can look at that cat and understand the significance of what it is to have a safe space. You don't understand me.

I volunteer at Covenant House Hollywood. It is for 18 to 24 year olds who have been homeless and trafficked.

Do you know how deep that is? And so I remember being a teenage runaway on the streets of Hollywood. I remember that. So I know what it is to not feel safe. And then to come into Alcoholics Anonymous. The other thing about coming into AA is, is they said you only have to change one thing. What's that? Everything. Oh, OK, I see what's happening, right? And so, and because there are mannerisms that I, I brought in with me that were not serving me,

I could not lean to my own understanding. I had to be willing to get someone, a spiritual guide, a sponsor who has a working knowledge of all 12 steps. That is not just taking me through the book, but that I trust enough when I'm given corrective information that I have the willingness to receive it. And at 23 or sober, I still have to be willing to receive it. Now that doesn't change, you know, because I I suffer from the peculiar

mento twist, right? Those blind spots. I can't see in those blind spots. So I have to have someone who was honest with me and who is objective that can give me some information. You know, I am. I was going to tell you guys something. Oh, I'm going to tell you about Winnipeg because we were talking about Canada and so. OK, so anywho, here's what happened. So do I have a pass? Yes. Do I have a record? Some might say so.

So a few years ago, right, I was invited to speak in Winnipeg. OK, so I have a passport, right? I've gone some places. That's great. That's awesome. And so I, and this is back in the day when I used to wear like long individual braids hot. And so I had my long braids, but I wasn't doing makeup. I was just giving them California chocolate girl pretty and and I had like my flip flops. They were having a snowstorm, but it doesn't matter. I'm coming from LA. So I have my flip flops and my shades,

right? I don't care about what you do. That's what we do, you know? And so so I come in and I go through customs and the guy at customs was asking me questions. Now it felt like he would like he was giving me an attitude, but I said to myself,

Candace, he probably isn't. You're really sleepy. And you know when you're sleepy things are distorted, right? So every time I heard a little, a little some act like a little tone, right? I just said, no, I know that's not what it is. Turns out I was right. It was what it is. So he asked me, I was wearing shades and he looked at me and he goes, do you have a condition? And I said, what do you mean he goes, is that why you're wearing sunglasses? So I took them off with a flourish and did

that. And I and I go. So we can't wear sunglasses in Canada, you know, and he was starting to wear me down, you know what I mean? And so,

so he asked me the question, right? It's inconsequential, but kind of important. He asked me, have you ever been arrested?

OK, so at that time I was 12 years sober, right? The answer is yes. So of course I said no, right? Because

OK, but let me tell you this. Cause newcomers, it's really about rigorous honesty, so on and so forth. But what I was doing it

more like a like when you're sitting in a resume, you know what I mean? Like when they're filling out an application, they ask you in the last, what, 7 to 10 years, right? Have you been arrested? So the fact that I was 12 years sober, I was like, you know what, he missed his window. He missed his window. That's not my problem. And so, so it wasn't a secret. It's more you don't need to know. And so

so I said no and he asked me again.

Now when he asked me again I felt

I should say yes, but I didn't want him to think I was lying. So now I got to stick to the no right?

So I'm like and when you lie, commit to it. Don't just give in on the first one.

So I said no, I've never been arrested. So he said OK, pardon me, right. So he went over, talked to some lady. So now she comes back and she asked me the question. Here we go. Have you been arrested? I absolutely know I should say yes, but there is no way you can do the Chinese water torture. I'm not giving in. And so I said no, no, I have not. And when you say it, say it confidently, not cocky, but just like no, you know what I mean. And so

she said, OK, excuse me. She walked away. She came back. She held up two sheets of paper and she, I know. So they always have like, so dramatic. And so she held up the sheets and she goes, so this is not you. So I was like, oh, you mean those arrests, right?

So she informed in, just FYI, I'm not some hardened criminal. I had enough to fill one sheet. I don't know, it was on the second. Maybe some like reasoning, I don't know. But you know, what they informed me was that they weren't going to let me in their country

based on it's an inventory, right? It's a conduct inventory. That's what my police record is based on my my former conduct. They did not find me suitable to enter into their country. So here's let me tell you something. The book says we stood at the turning point. That's not been the first time I've been confronted with my past.

That's why it's important for me to come in here and go through the work so that when it when it addresses me, I can meet it head on.

And So what I said is I said, I understand this woman right on those sheets of paper. You don't want her in your country. She doesn't respect tradition. She doesn't respect relationships, right? She can't be trusted. She doesn't respect the family structure,

but the woman standing before you, you absolutely want her in your country. I said, I'm an active, respected member of my community. I am active in society. I'm an invited guest here to speak out an A a conference while I'm here. They've made special provisions for me to take a, a, a talk into the women's jail. I said, someone like me, you absolutely want in your country. And then I had to just step back and leave it alone,

right? That's all I could do. So she went to

another guy who I'm assuming is now her superior. And I could hear the beginning. She's almost saying what I shared with her verbatim. And then she, like, dropped her voice were low as I couldn't hear what they were saying. And they talked for a little bit and I just stood there and I realized that whatever it was, I'm OK with it. You understand me. Whatever they decide, I'm OK with it because I know who I was. You weren't giving me this behavior from last week. You had to go back into the vault, you know? And so when she came back, she said, welcome to Winnipeg.

It was a victory. It's so I don't, I tell you something over the years that I have been faced with challenges, right? That I have met myself in varying degrees of unhealedness, right? Over the years when I've had to walk through difficult times, I didn't even understand that there was going to come a day when it's just all worth it. That was a small victory, but that was a victory. That was it. Because my past is never going to change. And so,

and so I'm grateful,

you know, I, I have a Home group, I've changed home groups, I have changed sponsors and, but all those things are still in place for me. And what happened is my stepmom died two years ago. And when my stepmom died, my life changed. When my, when my stepmom died, my life, my whole world collapsed is what happened. I knew that she was going to pass. She had cancer and but I didn't know it was going to be so quick, right?

I

was talking at a conference in Rhode Island

and I remember sharing with them, it's maybe 1200 people at this conference. And I remember sharing with them, I was a Saturday night speaker. I said, you know, my stepmom is dying and I don't know what my life is going to look like when she passes. And I said, before I leave, you're going to see me outside looking for a rock because our tradition is everywhere. I go for a A. She always asked that I bring back a rock and

I didn't see anyone get up. I don't know how you know how this occurred, but after my talk, when people

we're standing in line to thank me for my service, all of a sudden people started handing me rocks. They were like, this is a rock. Tell your stepmom we love her. Here's a rock from Rhode Island. Tell your stepmom we're praying for her. Here's you know what I mean. It was like, And so my host, I always have a host wherever I'm invited someplace, my I'm handing her the rock and someone went. They were like all these rocks. And so when I got ready to leave on Sunday after the Sunday morning speaker, people are running after me. And, you know, in a, a, we can't just be like, here's a rock. You got to give the back story, you know,

and when I was new, and then I planted the tree and then the rock, you know what I mean? I was like, OK, I got to go give me that rock. And so and so when I came home, I called my stepmom. We would talk every day, every day when I was out of the country. And I, I told her, I said, I have all these rocks from people in Rhode Island. They just want me to let you know they are praying for you. And she said, oh, I'm so excited. That's so thoughtful. I love you. I said, I love you too. And she was dead the next morning.

And

you just aren't prepared. You know what I mean? You just aren't. I don't care how prepared you think you are, You're just not. And I remember driving from work to her home, which was 70 mile, 71 miles away, and getting on my knees to pray for her safe passage into the realm of the unseen. And, and then I went home. And that day I was just talking to her, talking to her, because it just, it's it, I knew it was real, but it just, I felt just out of sorts.

And I was asking her, I said, let me know that you made it to the other side, OK? Because she didn't want to go, right? And then at some point I thought, oh, maybe I'm breaking protocol. Excuse me, God, can you let me know that my stepmom made it okay? Because she wasn't ready to go. And you don't want people afraid to meet you, right? And so I didn't think I put a time limit on it. But two weeks later, when I didn't get a sign that she had made it, I stopped praying. I lost my faith

and it was just a horrible the minute I I lost my faith, I started having severe anxiety attacks.

Severe because when I am not

grounded in a power greater than myself, I'm grounded in in me and that means the whole weight of the world is on me. And it was overwhelming and and it was just a huge struggle. It was a huge struggle for me. And I, I remember when I don't believe, I don't believe silently. You know what I mean? I would tell my friend, oh, you're all sheep. It's propaganda. You know what I mean? It doesn't exist. Give me a give me a fact. How can you, you know, this, all of that? And,

and so I had a Home group, I'd been a, a member of a Home group for a number of years.

And it was not the place, It was the last place I wanted to be. And I don't know what that was about. Nothing against the people or the group, but I had to acknowledge that it's not a fit for me. And you know, that's a lot when you have a routine. This is what I do on this night. This is how it looks. And, and to just know in my spirit, I don't feel connected there. And so I talked to my sponsor and I said, you know, I'm going to need to switch meetings. And the condition of that sponsorship was that I go to that meeting

and I said, that's not we're not going to be able to do that. And so I called a dear friend whom I traveled with for years. I asked her if I could check in with her. She's out of the country, if I could check in with her until I found a local sponsor. And we did that for a couple of months. And I said, you know, if you could just go ahead and be my sponsor. She knew I didn't believe, right? Because I was very vocal about the Don believing. And and so when I asked her to officially be my sponsor the day after she sent me an e-mail

and the e-mail said in meditation,

God told her to ask me if I believed in God.

I was reading the e-mail like, no, we already talked about this, right? So I emailed back, Nope, I don't, hoping to find a new connection at some point, but not now. And so then she emailed me back. And she said in this e-mail, I mean, in this meditation, clearly not a quiet meditation, in this little chatty meditation she was having,

God told her to tell me that if I didn't believe as she believed, she couldn't sponsor me.

Let me tell you something. I am so grateful that I was 21 years sober. I was so grateful that I was 21 years sober because if I were not grounded in Alcoholics Anonymous, if I had not repeatedly lived in our text, that could have been just the thread to sever my relationship here. I had already changed home groups. I've changed sponsored. Everything is unfamiliar. The person in my life that's the most important person has died. I reach out to you. That's like me telling a woman who looked like I

when I came in until you get your toothpicks and your hair done, I can't sponsor. It's the same thing. And so I called her when I got home. I said, I don't understand if the if the purpose of all 12 steps is to bring me into a relationship with a power greater than myself, why would your default response not be, let's go through all 12 steps and let's see if we can rebridge another relationship. And I said, so you're right. You can't sponsor me because no one who is coming from someplace other than our text can sponsor me. But it was,

it was difficult. And I'll tell you something because I don't often share how I, I came to believe again. And my belief is different. I've, I've called it spirit for a while. It just means something different. I, I pray to the power of healing, love and light. And what happened is I had started praying to Alcoholics Anonymous. During this time, I started praying to a A because Alcoholics Anonymous has never failed me.

I have put sponsors on pedestals without their permission and they have let me down.

I have had friendships that I thought would last forever and they are we don't talk anymore. I've been in relationships that I thought we were going to get married and that's been over for years, right, But a a has never failed me and just but I believe the posture of willingness right while being Austin and if that's AI know it's an oxymoron. But

what happened is there's a scar on my left shoulder

and it came from a guy trying to kill me one of the times. But so anyway, every

we leave this inaccurate

historic fact. OK, so anyway, so this time though is a time that we're going to talk about. And so so here's what happened towards the end of my drinking, I was an entrepreneur and I had met an enterprising young fellow and we negotiated some terms and conditions. And so he invited me to his apartment. Now, I don't want to be judgy, but I was a little shocked that he was pushing a basket and had an apartment. You know what I mean? But whatever.

So it was a hybrid. So so we walked for blocks and blocks to to this apartment. Funny thing, when we went to the apartment, there was number sign that he lived there. It was all like a woman stuff. And that should have been a red flag. But when I'm living in desperation, it's really like a gateway to openness, right? And so we're there all night and, and, you know, drinking and everything and, but we never quite fulfill the terms and conditions,

which is not my problem, right? So now daylight's here. He's out of money. I got to go. And so he's like, I don't want you to go. I said, I have to go. He goes, I don't want you to go. I said I got to go. He goes, I want you to stay. I said that's kidnapping. That is apparently a trigger word for him. And so when I said that, my hand was on the doorknob when I said that, he said kidnapping. I'd rather kill you.

He picked me up from my neck

and threw me across the room and the next thing I know, this man who's easily 6465 is choking the lifeout of me. And I remember the 1st 2 * I began to lose consciousness. I came back the third time when I started to lose consciousness. I knew that was going to be the last time. They say it takes approximately what, 4 1/2 minutes for someone to be strangled? I don't know, wasn't really counting, but I know that it was a couple of consciousness. And so, you know, they also say when someone

their whole life passes before them, I don't know how they would know if they're dead. I don't know who told you, you know, but I don't want to get controversial tonight. So anyway, so the third time I knew was going to be the last time. And what happened is my life didn't flash before me, but everything just became very still. You know how you step outside of yourself and you observe what's going on. And I just, I don't know if it was sadness, but it was just kind of a somber

acknowledgement, like, so this is how it's going to end.

So this is it in a strange place with a strange man doing strange things. That's it. And just in that moment, as I accepted it, this man who was intent upon killing me was now standing across the room. The power that plucked this man off of me like a feather is the power I pray to up into this very second,

up until this very 2nd. And what's interesting is when that happened, when I remembered that

all of a sudden I remember all these other times that the evidence of Spirit had been in my life,

that one willingness and acknowledgement opened all these other things. And it's interesting because when I'm in the that hallway, when I'm in the hallway, I can't remember. I can't remember any of it. I'm so grateful. My dear friend Larry T always says train your feet, shut your mouth, but train your feet, train your feet in Alcoholics Anonymous. And so and so it's good, you know, my,

I did not bring a fan, but I tell you what we going to do.

There we go. I am knee deep in menopause. Knee deep.

I was talking to some guy at a meeting. You know, you work in a room, work in a room. And all of a sudden, like sweat started trickling down my face. He goes, you're sweating. And I said, because it's 120° in my body, you know what I mean? Anyway, then he just walked away. That was awkward.

That was awkward because boys aren't my cup of tea. So anyway, so I

my grandmother raised me and she loved me and I loved her and I loved everything about her. Just everything about her. She was my safe space, which is interesting because things were going on in the house, but she was my safe space. And at night I was terrified of the dark. And so I slept next to her. And as she slept, I would watch her breathe. And you know, when you're a kid, you tell yourself stuff and it makes sense. And so I told myself, well, I don't ever want her to die and leave me. So when she breathes, I'm going to

breathing to match her breathing so that if she dies, I'll die with her. That's the depth of love I had for my grandmother. My mom is an alcoholic. She's an alcoholic by her own admission. She was very young when she had me, and she wasn't done doing what she needed to do as an alcoholic woman. I didn't understand it then, but I understand it today. You know, my mom is very well in doubt

true story and believes in packing her pistol in her bosom because she's quirky like that. And so

she would call my grandmother up on the phone. I knew who was on the other end because she would make some incessant demand. My grandmother would look at the phone and say absolutely not. There we go, the phone. A short while later, my mother would pop over and shoot out all of the windows. I want us to be clear, I didn't want what she had, right? But there are other cousins and uncles in my family who also suffer from the disease of alcoholism. It's not why I'm an alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic because of how much they drink. I'm not an alcoholic because of what happens to them when they drink. I'm an alcoholic because of what

to me, when I drink, when I take a drink, I don't know where I'm going to end up, but I can assure you there will be movement, right? So the way this disease manifests in my family is through a lot of violence. A lot of the members favorite shooting, I favorite stabbing tomato, tomato. And so when we all got together, at some point, the police were going to be present. You know what I mean? And so just like a holiday at my mom's house. My mother's a big gal, big bone gal, Anna. She believes in cooking from scratch.

I don't. Why? Because it's overrated. And so if my mom is cooking, I have to go.

But it's akin to going to any length in light of what's going to happen, right? So the way, if you come from the background, I come from the way I gauge when it's time to do something, that's by the music that's playing. So I would go over my mother's getting her drunk on anything. I say preface it by that. But I knew we were in a good space because the music was upbeat, right? She's listening to the Spinners, the Temptations, the Whispers, it's all good. And then as the day goes on, I can smell the aroma walking throughout the house. And now she's listening to Diana Ross.

So it's all right. She's just going to look feisty. You know what I mean? Look little snappish. And so as as we enter hours later into dusk, oh, oh, she's been drinking all day. She's been thinking all day. She's starting to get a little melancholy, a little Moody, Right. She's starting to reminisce. OK, so now we're entering into the Sam Cooke juncture. Get nervous. If you're not nervous at that point, you want to get the plate and the foil. You want to get them side by side

because by the time Nightfall hits, she's playing the Blues, Billie Holiday and B.B. King. Run, run. You know what I mean? When you start, when you start playing songs like My Baby Doesn't Left me, you know what? It's not going to be good. And so I don't want you to think her rude. No, no sugar. You will get a meal. You might limp out with it, but you're going to get a meal, you know? And that's the way it was at my mom's house. And so here's the thing. When I started drinking, it was because

friends were drinking and they were having a good time and I wanted to have a good time too. Very simple in the beginning, but what happens for me when I take a drink of alcohol is I cease to care about you.

I can't lie to you. I've known you too long. I don't care about you before I take a drink of alcohol. Now that I've taken the drink, I'm inclined to share with you that I don't care about you. And so I'm going to ask that you resist the urge of pulling me to the side and telling me how I have wronged you. Allegedly, right. This is what I find. I find we get over things far quicker than those we've injured. Have you noticed that you run into me? Three days later, I'm in my happy place. And I remember people still smarting from an alleged injustice, you know, and their energy would

hostile. And I was like, I'd be like, sweetie, turn it over, get free. You know, that's the deal. That's why I love the big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The big book is so deep. Oh my gosh. You know, every time I have the privilege of taking a woman through it, we go chapter by chapter, page by page. I don't tell anyone what to highlight because they don't have my experience.

What I asked him to do is to have their own experience. You have to have your own experience because this is your life. It's fun to come in here 306090 days when everyone's excited every time they see you, when you start getting yours and they've seen you not always be your best, you know what I mean? This program has to work for you. Even then

when you put your foot in your mouth, right? Because I have done, oh, let me tell you what happened. So I remember I was nine years sober. I always have to share it. I have to share it because it took me to my knees. It took me to my knees. That's why I have to share it. And I didn't think it was possible for someone who loves Alcoholics Anonymous the way I love Alcoholics Anonymous to want to leave Alcoholics Anonymous because I wanted to drink. You could never have told me that was possible as deeply in love with this program

as I fell. So I fell in love when I was six years sober and I've been in many, many relationships and someone is always saying I love you. And because I'm a team player, I would say I love you too, right? And but I was lying. And so anyway, this time I totally meant it like love loved, you know? And and so the relationship didn't look like I thought it would look being in love, right.

I cried all the time. I didn't think love was supposed to hurt like that. And it was verbally and physically abusive. I participated equally in both.

You didn't raise me to live like that as an alcoholic woman. And I remember my sponsor, Gloria Decker. Gloria was the love of my life. You talk about the epitome of being a sober woman. She was it for me through the way she lived, the way she carried herself. It just embodied what the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous was. And under her sponsorship, as a sober woman, I had grown and flourished. And my sponsor saw how I was living in this relationship. She saw the transformation and she said you got to leave. You got to leave this

relationship, Candace. You are living drunk but talking sober. And I remember telling her I can't leave. I said this is my soul mate. How sad. I was 678 years sober in this relationship and that's what love still looked like. It still looked like disrespect, betrayal, demeaning, abusive, right? Made me second guess my worth. That's crazy. And so I remember she became insistent that I needed to leave. And I don't mind telling you,

I felt she was jealous.

I thought she didn't understand our passion. And so,

I mean, I know you feel me on this. And so I was like, I can't even talk to her about this. She's tripping, you know,

and so I remember making a decision that I just had to skip the middleman because after all, you're not my God, you know what I mean? So I, I went to the source. That's what you do. Go to the source. Spirit, Spirit,

give me a sign. Should I stay in this relationship? The police came. Oops, not that sign, right?

So I remember,

you know what I mean. Let me tell you something. Gloria was 29 years sober at that time. Bob was 29 years sober. He had three months longer. They had been married 39 years. They knew each other seven years before that. They have been childhood friends. They had both been in other relationships and at some point they had gotten together.

They were low bottom drunks. And the difference between that when you are a parent, because they were also parents, is that your child has a front seat to the alley of alcoholism. Alcoholism doesn't care that you want to be a respected mother. It doesn't. None of that matters when you have to get it. You have to get it, and you have to do what you need to do to make it happen. And so because of the process, the principles and traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, their relationship have been healed.

It had been healed to a point that they didn't have to describe what love was. You saw it in the manner in which they treated each other. I remember being two year sober. My first Home group was a Bellflower Big Book group. And I would look at Gloria and Bob. We were having a New Year's dance, and I would just look at them. And Gloria was everything she did. I looked at like the two years, like the formative years, you know what I mean? You're still like getting your whole thing together. And so if my sponsor held her head to the left, clearly Candace held her head to the left, right,

you would talk to me. I'd be talking to you like that. And, and so they were on the floor and I was watching her as they were dancing. And she was gazing up at this man like a starry eyed teenager. And he was looking down on her with the utmost tenderness. That is love.

Love does not betray. It most certainly does not abuse. It empowers. It renews. It uplifts. It expands. It reaffirms. It substantiates. It is foundational. But when this woman who had given me nothing but solid direction wanted me to walk away from a relationship in which I was forfeiting my dignity, fear and arrogance become intermingled.

I would say to her, I'm not leaving because I don't want to leave. That's not true. Inventory showed me that I wasn't leaving because I didn't think anyone else would love me.

And so I remember, you know, when the police started coming, at that point, the relationship was over. So we did what anyone here would do. We got engaged. And we were engaged for six days, but they were long days, like dog years. And then and then it was over and I just was in so much pain. It hurt to breathe. I was in so much pain, right?

And I remember the obsession to drink came back.

The obsession to drink came back because my conduct made me thirsty. It wasn't what I was telling you. It was how I was living that made me thirsty. And I remember being angry and devastated at the same time, thinking I'm never going to be in love again. How could you let this happen, Spirit? Why would you do this to me?

Imagine my shock when six days later I was in another relationship. And so because sometimes you got to let the healing begin, you know,

when I got into

to the second relationship, that person was already in one. Oh, I'm glad we don't judge an AA. Yeah. So. So, you know, it's tricky. I mean, there was some overlap. You know what? My overlap. So I didn't feel I needed to be concerned with it. And what ended up happening is I'm in bed with my then partner. And there's nothing more painful than laying down with one person when you're in love with someone else. I'm going to tell you it may look fun on the reality shows, but it's painful in real life.

I looked over and I asked if I drink, would you leave? They said no. I asked if I drink, will you drink with me? And they said yes. There's nothing they wouldn't have done to keep me in a relationship. And when people get angry because they hear that, you know, because we can get sanctimonious sometimes when we get sober, we like, you just came from the street corner. But now all of a sudden you're Jehovah. You know what I mean? And so, you know, I can't believe you wouldn't ask another alcoholic, you know, and I just say, sugar, pray for me, right? Because at the end of the day, when I'm thirsty and I'm an untreated alcoholism.