The Paramount Group in Paramount CA

Hi, I'm Susan ODIs, alcoholic. I am so happy to be here. You know, I'm so tired Today I got up at 5 and launched into action and after watching Saturday Night Live, that was a mistake. And

you know, by about 5 us kind of starting to drag and I wondered if I'd be able to make it. But

when you walk in here, the energy and exuberance in this room is so great. It's just this is his relax. Well my options were come here or stay home and watch the true story of Jeffrey Dahmer,

which is my another one of my hobbies. So I'm glad I'm here. It's much more life giving.

And I've been here before and I always say this, but it's true, you know, I get a real, not just the group,

you know, if you're new here tonight, all of us who get up here just like you, we're all just members. We all just take turns doing this. But the fun of going to a new meeting and getting to talk is everyone just treats you like a Princess. I walk in big smiles, everyone so sweet. Bring me my coffee, you know,

and so that's beautiful. I look around the room and I just feel like I'm with my specie for a minute and these names on the walls and all of us here, you know, I just this room especially, I always feel. Thank you.

Oh, I have this one too. I guess I'll drink. Everybody's always did.

But,

you know, it reminds just all of us here and hereafter. It's just such a a nice feeling. And my tradition, really just tradition, they call it a communion of Saints. And I always feel it in here. I always feel like we're all together in here, all of us and

beautiful.

And I really, really enjoyed hearing you, Emily, that was

I relate to you so much. Except for the self-confidence at 34 days. No way.

I wasn't even lifting my head up at 34 days, you know, so and I didn't like anybody. So that was really wonderful to hear.

It was really wonderful to hear and

this God is amazing.

I'll tell you how I got here.

I was born to a dying alcoholic father,

a desperate mother. My mother was so beautiful and strong and capable and took care of all of us, including him, until she realized she wasn't going to be able to fix him. She wasn't going to be able to give him the house he didn't have to drink in and die in. And she didn't want to see that. So. So she right after I was born, grabbed at me and my three older sisters and we left. And so I

I was born in Dallas. We lived there for five years, and then when I was five, we reconciled with my dad. My dad moved out to LA

and when I was a baby, eight months old, got sober. Now called synonymous. And so

when he was five years sober, we came out and reconciled. And you know, there's divorce trauma and there's also reconciliation trauma because our lives in Dallas had been very mellow. I mean, my sisters are real dynamic, my momma's real dynamic. But our home was just real mellow. You know, it was just, I remember just sitting there drinking my giant can of Walters grape juice, watching Zorro and life was good. And then we come to California

and bam, the first thing I see is this strange man I don't know, jump on the train, grab my mom, twirl her around. I'm like Nope. And,

and we get home and suddenly there you all are.

Because my dad was real active in alcoholism. So you guys were always there. You were like, well, my sisters and I called you the crazy AAS. That's what you were to us. But, you know, back in those days, it seemed like, well, the a as I knew were more vivid. I mean, they would come over and play like tackle croquet, you know, and

teeth were flying, fists were flying. And

so, you know, I grew up learning how to my parents mantra was just to act right, just act right. I don't care how you feel, just act right. My mom was going down and I'm done too. So we learned how to smile, shake your hands, get your coffee, and then just wonder what and

and that was kind of a weird kid. I like to,

like I said, my sisters and my parents are very dynamic. I was sort of the quieter one and just trying to kind of float through and not get into too much chaos. And but if I ever got really mad or really sad about anything, I just go in my room and break all my own stuff. Just break it, just smash it. And then I could come out again. I thought I was the sweet one and everybody else did too. That 'cause she's so sweet.

And so that went on for a while. And when I was, and I always was kind of a natural chameleon, I had two sets of friends. I had some friends at school

that I couldn't really bring home for the obvious reason that you were there and God only knew what was going to happen.

And then I had your kids who are my good friends. So I did both sides of that. When I was about 12 or 13, I had the first of, well, I'd say probably seen my dad on the train was the first one. But another of those huge forks in the, I mean, these like, boom, me and a bunch of your kids went to the beach and had a beer and a joint. And it was

for the first time in my life, for the first time in my life, I felt like I wasn't maneuvering.

I didn't even realize I was always maneuvering until I wasn't always maneuvering. I just felt OK. It just felt good. And I didn't stagger away. I didn't get arrested, none of that. Just went home and thought, I'm going to do this whenever and however I can. And I did from then on. And we did from then on.

And, you know, life went on and, and my parents only, well, not my dad, my mother only smelled it on me a couple times. And

you know, she followed me around in her car for a couple days, see what I was doing. But other than that, you know, my dad's, my dad's theory on that was if you ever need help, you know where to get it. I remember we had a guy, one of you guys, living with us for a while.

My parents had a goat that ate his fourth step. But anyway,

but he was living in our garage, so when I'd come home, he'd be like sitting on watching TV or whatever. But I'd gone to a concert with my friend and I was so drunk and stuff. I mean, so drunk. I drank like a bottle of Southern Comfort.

And I called home and I said, I'm just gonna stay over here, OK? My dad's like, no, I'll be right there. And that was the terror. Always seen that blue car just pull up slowly wherever you were. But anyway, so he showed up. I got in the car, We drove all the way home. I thought, wow, I am maintaining. We just chatted. I got home. I walked in, he went off to bed. I walked into the den where this guy was and he turned around and went, oh God, you're so drunk.

Immediately I'm like, no, I'm not Ed, but you know,

my dad doesn't think I am. But my dad is sort of a really natural al Anon. He's kind of like, I'm going to keep bringing you to meetings. You start bringing us to meetings. I came to my first meeting when we first moved here in 1963. He brought us to meetings everywhere, all the time, You know, and I don't know any other way to live, so I don't know if it was good or bad compared to other kids. It's just the way I grew up. But in retrospect, it was the biggest blessing of my life.

The people I met, the people I heard talking, people, you know, I look back on it now, go had I only known? Had I only known, you know. Anyway,

so in my teenage years I quit going to quite as many meetings.

Junior high start getting a little trouble. My parents decided it would be best to send me to a really nice Catholic High School

or I could shape up. And so I went to the Saint Monica's in Santa Monica. My school didn't have to take a test or anything, my mother just begged me in. And at Saint Monica's, I really was able to hone that chameleon thing because

you obviously have to act a certain way at school and around your teachers. And then I, so I had my little friends on campus that were real straight. And then I had my little friends cross street in the park. She'd go over there and smoke dope or drop acid or do whatever and come back to school and act right again. And I, you know, that just became sort of my way of being and it was the only way I knew how to do it. And

when I graduated high school, I knew you'd just go to college. That's what people do. They just go to college. That's what my sisters did. So I started college. I got a really nice, you know,

I like to be off. My ego is such that of course you're gonna offer me a scholarship, a really good one. And my reaction is I was gonna be to go. No, thanks. So that's what I did. And I end up going to the junior college, got a little apartment off campus and that became sort of the hangout for everybody. And we could do whatever we want, whenever we want. And it was real cheap because one of you guys, it was your apartment, you'd gone on a trip. So I got to sublease it for a year

and and it was just perfect except I remember so little of it.

And

then another big boom, Wonderful Life event. This guy my dad sponsored asked me out on a date. Like, how kinky is that? Like,

And

I guess I'd met him apparently. Oh, I'll tell you How I Met him. I remember I met him because I'd locked myself out of my apartment once. And my dad, I went to my dad's and said, do you know any robbers? And this guy came and broke in

so

we went on date. I wasn't that interested in him, but I thought, well be a good story to tell my friend

and boom, first date, I just fell madly in love with this guy. Mad in love with this guy because I'm, I like excitement. I don't like to instigate it, but I like to be in it. And so he was. He had been a heroin addict and a barbiturate addict. He had these bumps all over his arms. I thought that was so cool.

And he'd been in San Quentin and,

you know, had a big pompadour and some mussels. And so I just felt mad in love with this guy. And in our first date, we went to the movies and we sat down and this girl with big hair sat right in front of me. And he just took out his lighter one

and I thought, here's a guy who will take care of me right now,

treat me like I deserve.

So

we started this tumultuous dating life. You know, I know how to act, right? So I could drink before the date, then have a glass of wine or two at dinner. And he thought that was just cute. It's a lot older than me. And then and then he Take Me Home and then I could drink the way I want. But I really, really liked him. And I only got really drunk around him a couple times. And one time we went to a concert at completely blacked out.

Oh God. I just. The only thing I remember about it was walking to the car, falling, smashing my head on the car door,

hopping in and vomiting.

I didn't see him for a week

and then I want him back. Hey, anyway, he was one of the angriest people in the world, too. You kind of hated everybody but me. And what is more appealing than that? So

so

we would have these big fights and we finally had one big fight and I moved up to Davis to I had started at that junior College in benders flip in school to school to school back in the I'm sorry you guys who are young didn't grow up in those days because school was cheap or free

and you could just get in any school with a good letter. You didn't they even care about your grades. You just sounded really sincere and went now I'm ready to start really paying attention and okay, so I got to go to a lot of good schools. I went to Loyola and then I went up to UC Davis and

we broke up. We had this massive breakup. I went up there and he followed me up there and I got pregnant and we got married. And that was great because that's great for me because see, I like it when things happen to me, not when, see, I don't instigate it. If it happens to me, it's your fault eventually,

right? So I saw that in respect when I worked my steps. But what happened was I got pregnant, we got married, We lived apart the first three months because I was finishing that semester in school and it was the best three months of our marriage. So romantic because I just like to long for you. I don't like to really have you around.

So I came back down and we just started boom. We were in marriage counseling probably after two weeks,

and the counselor said to me, Susan, could you just tell him what you want or tell me what you want? And I'm like, I don't know what I want, but I know it's not this. And that was like the mantra of my life. It's not this. I need the next thing now. So anyway, stayed there. Had this beautiful little girl

and I thought, well, this will fix us. This will fix us. Well, you know how that works, some of you.

She didn't fix us, and she also had

bad colic, and that used to just make me furious because that's who I was. The most self-centered

awful. You know, if I'm sleeping, if I finally pass out and then you wake me up screaming,

that's not OK. And that poor little girl, shut up.

I mean, it's amazing. She survived me and

she didn't fix us. So we had another baby, a little boy, and then we had another little boy. So we had three and five years and none of them fixed us. Imagine, I don't know why. And, and you know, I could act. I could act right before we got married. But once we were married and he saw how I lived, that wasn't OK with him. And I've always, you know, the 1st 10 years of my sobriety, I blamed him for every bad thing in that marriage. And what a mistake that was because

what an amazingly Goodman to stay with this horrible sick woman and try to just make this little family and and do the best you can and take care of us and keep them safe from me. I mean, I'm so grateful for that now. And

what eventually happened and you know what? I didn't get arrested or you know, I knew what alcoholism looked like. My drinking never had a thing to do with you guys. I could hear 1000 talks never crossed my mind on my been alcoholic. Because you went to the psycho? Or do you went to jail?

You died and were resuscitated. That's not my story. I went to jail one day

because I have my dog off a leash.

Can you believe it? The Santa Monica police arrested me for not paying that ticket, came to my new job and took me to jail. And here's how God, you know,

when I came here, I thought I was one of those. Like it says in the 12:00 and 12:00, I believe in God. God's never believed in me. Look back at your life in retrospect. You'll see God all through it. And that day, man, I needed that job. And that day I got arrested at work. My boss was such a bad drunk. I had to sign her letters. She was fine with it. She's like, OK, see you when you get out. So

so that worked out and anyway stayed in that marriage for managed to stay in that marriage,

which got increasingly violent and ugly for 12 years. I was never

what you'd call committed to it.

When I could get up and go out and do something else, I got up and went out and did something else. My wedding ring was today I'm married. Today I'm not. Today I'm married, today I'm not.

And, and those kids, you know, those poor kids who lived in just sort of constant

what's going to happen today, you know, and where I eventually wound up was just laying on my kitchen floor. And, you know, I'd had to back off from friends and people because I used to be able to stand like as far as I'm from Fernando and talk to you couldn't smell me. But pretty soon I wasn't sure. You couldn't smell me anymore. So

I just backed out of jobs, I backed out of friends, I backed out of life. And I wind up on my kitchen floor. I had a nice hardwood kitchen floor.

We had tick players in those days, cassette. So I put in some really sad music, lay on the floor and sing, sing, drink and sing and think to myself, because I had been a very idealistic kid and young woman up till then. You know, I had three big dreams. One, I was going to have one baby from every ethnicity on the planet

because that's fun, right? And everybody's been cool looking. The second one,

the second was I was going to be a rock star. I knew that from the time I was a little girl. I was a little girl singing in the mirror. It's going to be a rock star. And the third one is I'm very, I was very politically idealistic, so I knew it's going to change the world. So when I was going to all these colleges in and out, you know, OK, this week I'm going to be Gidget at the UN, and next week I'm going to be. So

I had these big dreams. And you know what I thought when I laid on the floor? I thought, you know what You people never appreciated All this effort I put in.

I'm put in no effort. My effort consists. My effort consisted of when you come here, I am,

don't you see me? Can't you find me? And I thought nobody ever loved me. Appreciate, you know, all that. I was the sickening model and depressive drunk woman on the floor. You know, a couple years ago, my next door neighbor died of alcoholism. I had no idea she drank. None. She was an attorney when I'd see her. She looked like all that. She died at home of alcoholism.

I, I just blew my mind. But then I thought that's who I was going to be. I mean, I knew it. I knew I wasn't acting right

and I stayed away from everything and everyone and my husband stayed away. He worked seven days a week, so when he came home, we just had big fights.

And what happened for me, you know, another place God stepped in dramatically. You know, I'd lay there and pray to die

as raised Catholic. I'm a Catholic witch. I'd candles and shrine when I was up and I would think, OK, God, you know, my last prayer was God, kill me, kill me. I can't kill myself. I know now it's 'cause I was chicken. I thought then, oh, I don't want to look ugly because I want people to feel sorry about how they treated me. So I have to look beautiful when they come in like Juliet. I can't be all blown up or thrown up.

So I'd pray every single night. Please God, please God, just take me. And what happened was when iPhone rang. I don't know why I answered it, but I did. And it was my older sister

and she was one of my drinking buddies. I only had two left and they were both my sisters, but they lived in New Mexico. And she called and she said I've been going to meetings for 30 days. And I thought, oh God, now she's a crazy AA. Oh God. Now I only have one friend left in the world. And that sister is kind of spiky, so,

oh, made me sick. But you know, I laid about it. I, I thought about it laying there for a few days because I had plenty of time

and I thought, you know what? She just said that because she thinks I'm an alcoholic. That's where ego pays off.

I'm like, how rude? So my next thought was I'll go to a meeting and show. I'm not

and you'll all go, you're not an alcoholic and I'll go see. So I called central office and I showed up at a meeting in San Pedro and I just did in the lobby shaking. I was so afraid of people. That's another reason I stayed away from people. I was terrified of people. And I I just finally, I just thought you've been going to meetings all your life. Walk in there. Look good, right? I walked in. I sat in the back row. I just wept. The only part I heard was that that part of Chapter 3, they go,

they die. I knew I was insane. I just wanted to be dead. I was dead on the inside and I just cried. And this old guy next to me was crying. So we had that going on

and all of a sudden at the break, what comes up on me? A Barbie doll and spiky heels, all neon bright red hair. Hi, honey.

And I didn't like anybody, but I would not, I wouldn't have hung out with her drinking. OK, so

I couldn't, I couldn't do anything. I just froze. I couldn't fight or flee.

Froze. She ran up on me. She started talking to me. Why are you here? You're welcome here. All this I didn't say. Oh, I want to get sober.

I just burst into tears. She and another woman with this red lipstick took me out after the meeting

and gave me some pamphlets, and I was so fascinated. God uses every single thing God uses, used my ego to get me here. And God used that lady's red lipstick to keep me standing there while they talked because I was so fascinated. It was so pretty. I just stared at this shiny red lips going, oh, I forgot to mention I'd been drinking wine coolers all day so I'd be sober. So I was staring at those lips going, wow, how does she do it?

That's about all I heard. But I took my pamphlets and their numbers and I want and I heard the lady the the Barbie dolls say go home and get rid of all the alcohol in your house and call me tomorrow. So I went home and I drank it all up

because what else are you gonna do? But see, I'd made this deal with God. If I go to a meeting and show I'm not an alcoholic, you'll kill me.

So that third tradition where it says a desire to stop drinking. I didn't have a desire to stop. I had a desire to stop. That's all I had. You know, God can work with anything. If you're just here, if you just come here until I don't know it's grace. I see it now as the most ridiculous grace that I don't think I could ever repeat it that that obsession to drink has been lifted from me. And let me tell you, I love everything about alcohol. I wasn't one of those people that had to hold my nose. I don't like the taste, only the effect. I love how it looks. I love how it,

I love how it tastes. I love everything. I'm mad I didn't get to try the blue stuff. They didn't have that in my day and

I love everything about it and I forgot where I was going with that. Now I'm all into how I love everything about it anyway,

but

so

it was just great. You know, I think now if I that's where I was going, I think if I drank

today, I don't imagine, I'm not hoping to. I'm not thinking about it. I think if I did, I would never be able to have that kind of grace again. Now that's limiting. God, I know. But it's so powerful. In retrospect, at the time it was just now it's so powerful that the next day I just called her.

I didn't leap up in the mill the night and get a drink. I just called her the next day and I started following her to five meetings a week.

I didn't think I was alcoholic. And yet I sat next to a woman who's made me go. Susan, every time they ask for newcomers, I wouldn't lift my head up, but I'd raise my hand. And we did that. And then after, I don't know, a week, she gave me a big book and said, here, let's start in this. Let's start reading this. And I was just waiting to die. Why wasn't I drinking? Absolute grace and being with you every single day. But at the time,

it didn't occur to me that I I just was like, OK, whatever, we'll start in the book. Then the ego comes back.

She would give me deadlines. I'd call her every time and go, sorry, I couldn't do it. I was then the ego and then she go, well, I hope you're working with somebody honey.

So then the ego came back and said you know more than she does. You've been here for since 1963. She's got three years right on the steps and blow her mind.

So you know, before you go as a little fond farewell. I started right in the steps and like somebody said, you know, as soon as I started to work this, it started to work me. You don't even have to believe it. It can sound like the most ridiculous thing in the world. It did to me. That whole first year is like a psychedelic trip.

Like what?

Who was I? What was I doing? Anyway? We started working in the book. She wanted me to work in the book out of the book in the 12:00 and 12:00 with her. And she said, I want you to finish your steps in the year like I did, honey. And I said OK. And then when I would balk or I would call her and, you know, explain why she was mistaken and stuff, she just laugh. She just go. You're just God's kid, honey. I hated that. How stupid and simplistic. I studied theology. Don't tell me about God,

but she was absolutely right. I'm just God's kid,

discuss the kid, like all of us in here, you know, and slowly, slowly, you know, that's fun. Like Fernando said, That what is what my sponsor did and what I hope I can do for people and what I watch you guys do for people is you just bring somebody and you just put them right in the middle. You just go now you're one of your arse. You always were, you just didn't know. And sometimes we can sit in here and think we're not. But you know, Chuck Chamberlain said.

We're, we're all a part of God. Whether you like it, whether you believe it, whether you want it doesn't, doesn't matter.

You know, we're all just these sort of sparks and and your sponsor puts you in there and goes, hey, you're a spark too. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Oh, I'm a spark,

you know, and the day came when I said I'm sitting alcohol and I knew I Susan alcohol like

and

my sponsor said stay in your marriage unless your life's in danger till you're done with your steps. I did that

and then I flew free. I moved off to New Mexico. By this time, both my older sisters were sober. What are the chances of that? I'm really a spoiled brat,

you know? I can't feel special. I can't go as my case is so different. They go uh-huh. Yeah, it really is. So

I moved off to New Mexico to live with my sisters. I was only there two years, and so I went there knowing this is my rocket into the 4th dimension

and now everything's going to change. No more violence in my house. I mean, my house was violent.

I could have easily lost my kids at my own hands, or somebody could take them away. OK, No more violence in my house. No more.

I'm going to have the perfect job. Everybody's going to act, right? It's going to be great. None of that happened. But what happened was so amazing. You know, my oldest daughter, she was furious. You know, I've been sober a couple years, but she was furious. I can't. I couldn't believe that they didn't just, you know, shape up as soon as I was sober. Like, I'm not drinking. Why do you act like that?

You know she would try to hit me. I'm like, we're not doing that anymore.

So she just, I mean, she would say I want to kill you. Oh, here's a mistake. Well, for me, this was a mistake. Being fairly new and asking your teenage daughter who'd grown up watching you drink, why do you hate me?

Then she would tell me and I would just,

you know, have to call my sponsor and do writing on 1/2 and three.

But then she would say, I want to kill you. And then sometimes I wake up in the middle night and all her friends would be gathered around. They look like the Manson gang, just gather just gathered around my bed gazing at me. I said get out of here and

anyway,

we ended up getting in one fight and she she did try to hurt me and and I call the police. I mean, I was afraid

and and she's teeny, but I was afraid and she got arrested and I thought, oh God, look, all this for nothing. By this time I was six years sober. All this for nothing. I were, I live this life. I hear people in these rooms, you get your kids back, you get your kids back. I'm losing my kid. It just made me sick. I mean, she could barely keep the handcuffs on. She's so little. And it just made me sick. And we had to go to court ordered counseling, which also made me sick.

And I would come to you and go, why am I doing this now?

They don't understand what I've been through. I've been working a program for six years. I'm gonna listen to some idiot tell me what I should be doing.

And my sponsor would say, you know what?

Just show up sober, honey, to show up sober and keep the open mind. And I'd come to meetings and that's what you tell me, too. So I go to those therapy appointments. And that therapist said to me, you two never bonded. You never will. Get over it. She had just turned 14. That's not what you told me. The therapist said I should just let her go now. Well, you told me was

you weren't a mother. So be a mother. Just start being a mother. Start that process.

And so I did. Little by little we did, you know, she had to have the willingness to. But now she's 35 years old. I have 3 beautiful grandchildren on spot to graduate from high school

that she's let me see all their lives. My spray date is June 27th, 1989,

so I was sober for all that. And they are.

The fact that she will send them to my house in the summer still blows my mind. Without long lists. Don't say this, don't do that. Call me, call me if grandma does that, you know, and,

and you know, I used to take my kids to the cemetery instead of the park.

When I say I was depressive, I was depressive. That's what we did.

We just read headstones and told sad stories.

Well, I'm Irish too anyway,

but a couple of few years ago, about five years ago, for my birthday, my daughter gave me a beautiful card with a picture of a beautiful tombstone that we'd admired and said lunch date at the cemetery.

So that's what we did. That was a lot of fun.

So that worked out well.

My third son from that marriage while we were in Santa Fe, he'd been bounce school to school to school. He was born at the end of my drinking. He had some he was compromised. He had learning disabilities he had he couldn't physically perform like the other kids and I kept I'm sober now you act right. And I knew when we went to Santa Fe, it was all in a magically disappear all that it didn't. And I put him in the regular school and they said let's put him in the special school and I said absolutely not. And you said,

yes, put them in the school.

OK. I put him in the school. Best, best. I mean, this was the most amazing school. He walked out of third grade. He couldn't write his name. He walked out in fifth grade at grade level,

amazing. And now he's this beautiful, handsome, brilliant guy who is an EMT. So he runs around saving your life. Never saw that happening. Never saw that. And that's all you and my second child from that marriage. When we got back to LA, he just,

he was 14. He had a Mohawk, a dog collar, Big S S Boots

tried to kill himself. He had a three day hold

and that's funny. I was at a meeting one night and this guy said, yeah, I just got my daughter back.

I'm so happy. But I was driving down the street and I saw her with this guy. And then he described him and I said, oh, that's my son. He's very, he's all right,

but he ended up, he ended up getting arrested for an explosive his first year in high school

and taken away from me for three years. And I thought, oh, now I've really hit a bottom. I thought I hit a bottom of my daughter, but no, this is really a bottom. But you know what? I

you were there the second I was there every minute have to go back to the stupid therapy, have to show up in the stupid court, you know, and, and you were always there. And I just showed up sober and did what they asked me to do. And when I came back to LA two years later, I remarried and I married a normal guy and his ex-wife had been in a rehab. And so he'd seen Bob and Bill on my wall when our kids were playing one day and one talk about it. And that was the foundation for our friendship, which

amazing and

just the sweetest, kindest man in the world. He had two little boys that he loved. I had my 3:00. So we got together and had two more, so seven kids. Brady Bunch not and you know what? I learn everything because those kids were also wounded by their they grew up in the same crazy alcoholic home with an alcoholic mother. They weren't sure they felt about this alcoholic mother.

And

you know, I've learned everything from this. I am a person who, left to myself, will sit and watch murder shows and eat peanut M&M's. Don't bug me, man, Don't bug me.

I got to see what o'jays really did.

And

so God, you know, gives us all exactly what we need. And so I pray to be like, connected a little bit with the world. And God just goes here, let's put 100 people in your house. Let's do it, let's see what happens. I've learned everything from that. Everything. And my husband's gone through stage 4 cancer three times in the last six years

and terrifying. And, you know, I got to, like, show up for him and I wanted to show up for him.

Like I went to every chemo appointment and every doctor appointment and gave my two cents

and I wanted to do that and I wanted to be there. That's so not me. I love sad news just because I can sit alone and drink over it and cry. But

I get to participate today, you know, And about four years ago, my mother died suddenly, which was horrible. I, I had her for like 262024 years sober. Something, you know, finally got to be somewhat of a daughter, I felt like, but not, not long enough. It never feels long enough. I mean, I'm an old granny and it was still too soon for me. But she died. She died sitting up in a chair with her hands open and her eyes open and a smile on her face.

It's so obvious. Somebody came and went. Let's go.

She went, OK. You know, I mean, all these things that have been so that I always was so scared of that we're going to tear me into that. I'm not going to stay sober if that happens. You know, there's always the blessing, and the blessing is always you. You're always right there. I mean, I got to run to you and go, oh, did you see what my mother, you know, and

and you were there while my husband was sick. And then my beautiful son that

came back to me, you know, he had to try it again and he

start shooting heroin and I don't know, I don't know drug addicts at well, I mean, I see him in the rooms, but I was not a drug addict of heroin addict or meth. I, I don't and I just watched him die in front of me. Basically. He was dying. He was, he waited about 3 lbs. His clothes were hanging off in rags, and I would just see him skittering around corners in my house when he'd come in and try to find some change. He could steal, you know?

And he, he went to prison. I'm like, oh, God. Oh, I know a prison was ours. Like

now he's going to get nailed to the gym floor.

But you know what? Catch 22. That or die in the street.

And he went there and he

spent 18 months. I didn't get to see him for 14 because of some paperwork, probably that dog ticket thing.

And, and then,

but we were sending letters and he sent me such a beautiful, immense letter once he cleaned up, you know, I mean, he detoxed on a cold cement floor by himself. And

God gives everybody, you know, by the time I saw him, my boy was back, you know, and he's back and he's been out of prison for a couple years and he's doing so well. Oh my God, I'm so lucky he's doing so. I mean, he's a gift to me. I don't, I'm not living in fear 24 hours a day about him anymore,

you know, and I told you about the EMT and my daughter and my grandchildren and my stepson and my beautiful stepson that I raised since he was three. He died three years ago of a

prescription drug overdose. Yeah. Hooked on painkillers. And he was the sweetest, funniest boy in the world, man. He was 22 and he died. But he, I just watched him circle a drain circle. Adrian and I would try to bring him to us and I would try to do, you know, and your own children for whatever. I couldn't hear it from my parents. He couldn't hear it from me. And and that was real awful. On my other stepson had like a 10 year meth habit

which now he's just coming out the other side of. So he's been

weirdly, violently hallucinating, like

coming over and going, you know,

I know a lot of people that want to kill you, but I just say no.

That's how I learned about drug addicts.

But anyway, now he's living in a little sober place and trying it again. He's been in that here and in that here. And like me when I first came and like a lot of us, feels like he already knows all this. And this obviously doesn't work because, look, he grew up in meetings and that didn't keep him from getting strung out. So, so you know, but here's the blessing. I know now that I'm just God's kid and that he's just God's kid and that we're just God's kidding and God is all through this.