The Paramount Group in Paramount, CA

My name is Hilda, I am an alcoholic. I love Alcoholics Anonymous and it's so funny. I know so many people in here and all of you have heard me speak more than once, so I have no idea what you're going to get tonight.

I, I don't know if you're new. Welcome. I know there were three that took newcomer chips. And congratulations to the chip people and nice to see my BFF Nancy and

Deborah came out and Stacy and her gang. And I mean, it's just like old home week. But if you're new, I don't know if you get perhaps your head's nothing like mine, but mine's a little busy and

the the little bricks on the wall throw me off terrible. I mean, there's Cupcake Greg and Slick Rick and and this poor guy here got his little Hawaiian girl going and never finished his wreck. So

I don't know. I don't know if he just didn't stay sober or what happened.

You know, I, I, you know, it, it makes you wonder, you know,

So the room is a little distracting to me, but I love coming down to Paramount. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Fernando for asking me. And

oh, let's see,

I will tell you my sobriety date is the 20th of July 1993.

It is not my first date, but I hope it's my last. I have a sponsor and I have a Home group. And I tell you how you can tell that this is a lovely Home group is that when somebody takes a chip for 3060 or 90 days, people know their name. That's how you can tell it's a Home group when you keep an eye on the newcomers. And I love that. And

I was born in London. It'll save you wondering.

I I grew up in a pub,

my grandparents own the pub and I'm an early child and only grandchild and I don't think that has anything to do with my alcoholism, but it did give me early access and I can tell you that alcohol worked for me from the very beginning. I loved it.

My playground was the cellar and the bottles were my playthings

and, and I always share it because I can see it like it was yesterday. But I used to play in the cellar and I would lie in whiskey bottles up on one side and vodka bottles on the other. And the whiskey bottles would be chatting to the vodka bottles and they be chatting to me and I'd be chatting to them. And whiskey was the bad guys and vodka was the good guys. And

the sad part about that is it was still happening in my 20s. But

but I loved it. I loved everything about it. And the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about me and it's around page 33. And I'm loosely paragraphing, paraphrasing, but it it basically says it doesn't matter how much you drink or how often you drink, it's what happens when you drink. And that many who are merely potential Alcoholics often become a real thing in a relatively short amount of time,

particularly true women. And I'm one of those women. You know, By 16, I had an ulcer. At 17, I got done for drunk driving. At 18, I had a heart attack. And six months later, it was in my first mental hospital. And that's when drink was working.

It truly went all downhill after that.

In the next the next

six months, for the next three years really, I was in and out of five mental hospitals and the longest I was ever out of a mental hospital was for two weeks.

And in those two weeks I had my own flat and I had the curtains drawn and the answering machine on and a fridge full of tea, vodka and Michelob Light. Because I'm a calorie counter and

you know, for two weeks I did not see or speak to another human being and I was happy. I have a clear memory of standing in the shower drinking a cold Mick light, not knowing if it was day or night, not caring

and thinking. It just doesn't get any better than this, you know? What happened though is I got a knock on the door and it was my mom, my shrink, 2 policemen and two nurses. They shot me in the arse with something and put me in a jacket with really long arms. And I came to at the Institute for the Living in Hartford, CT, and I felt a little surreal to me, like I'd been punked or something, you know, because

I found out I was committed for a minimum of a year for being a danger to myself and others.

Now I haven't seen anybody for two weeks.

I couldn't figure out who the others were

and then,

and it really bothered me. You know, the people in those places are crazy. And

now I I've always

known there was something wrong. I've always known I was a little bubble off, normal, not quite right. I don't think I've ever been a full ticket. I don't think I'm ever going to be a full ticket. And quite honestly, I do not believe there is a program in the world that will make me a full ticket. What I do know is that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the tools that allow me to act as if I'm a full ticket,

and I'm running with that today. But at the time I neutered, was something wrong? And I knew they didn't know what it was.

But I have this roommate and it was really obvious what was wrong with her, right? I mean, she had rage attacks. One minute she'd be fine and then she'd snap and she'd start punching out windows and going for nurses. Be chaos

and they did this thing called wet packing and when she went off all these nurses would come in, they tackle her to the floor, wrap her in cold wet sheets and toddler away. Now she had something I didn't have and that was friends locally. So her friends used to smuggle money in all the time. So our room always had money hidden in it. So when she'd get toddled away, I'd start thinking,

because I'm a thinker, I think seem to waste to leave all that money sitting around.

You know, somebody should do something with it. So I went AWOL on her dime. And the first time I went a while, I ended up in downtown Hartford. I had no clue what I was going to do, but I had $50 on me. And this little fellow wandered up to me and he said, do you want to buy a ticket to Prince?

Now? I didn't know who Prince was. I am truly an AC/DC Black Sabbath kind of girl.

And I'm thinking a dark auditorium, this might work, you know? So I get these tickets. I'm sitting in the Nosebleed seats. I smuggled in 2 bottles of vodka and as Prince did his little Raspberry beret thing I got I got absolutely legless. And

it's funny because that's still my music today, and I heard somebody in a meeting when say if you listen to

Hard Rock, you can't stay sober. Wrong.

I will tell you real quick, at my work, my guys that work for me, they run the music that's in the ladies rooms and the men's toilets, right? So I was in there the other day and there was no music on. So I went over to my labs and I said there's no music on in the loo. So they had to reboot the server, right? So there's music on in the loo and they said what do you want?

So now

when you go to the bathroom in my company, you hear AC/DC.

It makes me so happy.

This makes me smile. Anyway, so,

so I got out of this concert and I had nowhere to go. I didn't know what I was going to do. And I was wandering around and I ended up in this park and there was a group of fellows passing the bottle. And I sat down with them and they kept looking at me like stupid or crazy, right?

I mean, they were winos, really. They never said a word. They truly let me drink with them all night. And as dawn came, the white van with the blue letters pulled up. Institute for the Living. And I stood up and said I got to go my rides here and

it's a true story. And of course these fellows looked at each other like, Yep, crazy. And we're glad they were nice to me.

So I get back to the hospital and I got to build up my trust points. And it's just madness. And as my year was coming up, I had to go before a board of psychiatrists. And my psychiatrist stood up and said Hilda will never live in normal society. She is completely incapable. And his recommendation was that I did a minimum of another year, and it took Me 2 1/2 months to convince the board to let me out. So I did 14 1/2 months

and in hindsight

I think he may have had a point

because I got out. I moved from Hartford to Hamden, just down the road. I got a little job and I met a fella and this fellow turned out to be a coke dealer and I'd never done coke before. I didn't know you could drink longer on it. Of course, those of you nodding did. I did not. But I tell you what happened in a relatively short amount of time, I have this little job at $700.00 a week. I have a Coke habit of $1500 a week.

When you do the math. It wasn't coming out terribly well and I ended up sitting on my counter in my kitchen one day. Was drinking a case of Mick Light at the time and I looked out at my flat and realized I had sold everything, including my curtains for Coke. And I thought, Hilda, if you're hanging out with people who will buy your curtain,

we have a problem here.

Do you know I never touched coke again?

In fact, I'd be in parties and people around me would be doing Coke and my head would go

remember the curtains.

Now, I think that's what makes me a real alcoholic because far worse things happen to me drinking than ever happened to me with Coke. And never once did my head ever say don't drink. What it might say is don't drink red wine because it makes you cry. You know, stay away from the whiskey because it makes you mean

my version of chapter 3, switching from Scotch to Brandy or Scott to Randy. But it never actually,

it never actually said don't drink. So I'm in Hamden. I get done for drunk driving, drunk and disorderly, indecent exposure. And I think I never should have left England. So I moved back to England and I'm not in England very long and I get done for drunk driving, drunk and disorderly, Hindus and exposure. And I think, you know, America was so much better.

What was I thinking? And I moved back. And really, that's my drinking in a nutshell. Everywhere I went, it was always going to be better. And everywhere I went, there I was. And I have a long list of arrests for indecent exposure.

And I know I'm not alone because I've heard loads of other women share if something happens when you add alcohol to my type of alcoholic. And

as soon as you add alcohol to my type of alcoholic, for whatever reason, I just know that you have to see my tits

now.

Now

I I tried everything for that not to be true

and I know it's part of my alcoholism because I don't feel the need to show them to you right now. So

I'm back and forth and back and forth and I'm back in England this time and I'm tendon bar with my mate Andy. Andy and I have been great friends for a long time, and Andy's birthday was on New Year's Eve,

so we started drinking on Christmas Eve, as you do

now. I've always been a blackout drinker. I used to call it losing time. I was always losing time. I might lose a couple hours, I might lose a couple of days, but I was always losing time. Now I had assumed that when I had lost time I had passed out quietly somewhere.

I found out on the 3rd of January that that was not true because I woke to the phone ring and and it was Andy and he asked me if I was ready to pick out rings.

I didn't know what he was talking about and he brought over a video

and I'm on this video and I look great. I look great. I am not slurring my words, I'm not talking funny. I got drink in hand. It was all our friends, all the pubs we were in. My father was there. I'm watching this video. And Andy went down on one knee and I thought, dear God say no

because I wasn't there. And it was the first time I realized that you didn't know that I didn't know that I wasn't there. So I did what I did best, really. I went to the pub and I found the guy in the pub that knows everything

and he's in every bar all over the world, right? He's the guy that you ask him what time it is and he explains exactly how the pendulum clock really worked. So I mean truly the most interesting man in the world. So I tell him what's happened. Pearls me. I did, you know, and he said to me, did you know if you volunteer on a kibbutz in Israel, they give you 3 meals a day, they do your laundry and you get £50 a month.

It's not resolved. 3 days later, I'm in Golders Green, I got a visa, I'm going to Israel

now. I'm a good Irish Catholic girl. This all made sense to me. So I went for three months. I stayed 9 and came out of a blackout in a Tel Aviv jail, charged with drunk driving. And I didn't remember renting the car. And I can tell you that really horrible things happened to young vulnerable women who drink like I do in places like that. And I got out on bail and I end up jumping, jumping bail. And I went to Egypt and I ended up with the wrong people in the wrong place at the wrong time.

And really horrible things happen to young, vulnerable women who drink like I do in places like that.

And I got dumped in Cairo, just near the American embassy. I had a tattered T-shirt on, a beat up pair of shorts and not another thing to my name. And a big American Marine took pity on me. It was Ramadan and everything was shut, including the embassy. And him and his mates looked after me until the embassy opened and I got an emergency passport. And you know, I wasn't in the air 20 minutes. And I thought hell, they could have killed me.

Now I truly believe a non alcoholic woman who had been through what I had been through would probably never drink again.

But I'm a goal post drinker. I'm one of those drinkers that says if it gets bad, I move the goal posts back just a little bit. If it gets worse, I move that goal post back just a little bit more.

I can tell you that the whole 80s for me was a bit like the talking headsong. Once in a lifetime

where he goes, This is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife, how did I get here? It was like it was like one big long blackout with little bits of reality tossed in. And coming to the end of the 80s, I found out I was in a relationship.

Apparently I'd been in for a long time

and my partner was commenting on my drinking which I just thought was rude.

So I moved

to Nebraska

and

moved in with me mom and I wasn't with my mom very long and my mom started coming, Am I drinking? And I really didn't know what to do. And I thought about my uncle because my uncle had tried to 12 step me when I was 18 in a pub in Saint Albans. He was nine months sober and on fire with Alcoholics Anonymous and he was buying the beer. So I let him talk as you do. And I remember him saying, you know, an alcoholic synonymous, you need never drink again.

I was 18. I thought, why the hell wouldn't I want to drink? But he could see where I was going. So Fast forward, it's all gone horribly wrong. And I thought of him because he's still sober and Alcoholics Anonymous. And as a point of note, he's still sober today and Alcoholics Anonymous.

And he was what I thought a real alcoholic was, right? I mean, my uncle went to prison. I only ever went to jail. My uncle went to detox centers. I only ever went to mental hospitals. So in my mind, he was what a real alcoholic was, but he was still sober. So I thought I'd give it a go. And I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous on New Year's Eve 1989. I picked New Year's Eve because I truly believe no real alcoholic would quit drinking on New Year's Eve.

I know today only Alcoholics pick a date.

Non Alcoholics don't do that. They don't put little red XS on calendars right? Like virgins don't go for pregnancy tests.

Doesn't happen. I didn't know that, so I went to this meeting on New Year's Eve in Papillion, NE. It was a little meat and they were talking about ease. The father were the children. And I thought I was screwed

because I know that can't be the answer, right? I mean, I've always been a seeker. I mean, Israel, please. Right. So I can't hear anything they're saying. So I started, well, I started judging everybody really by their shoes because I can't look at you either. And the guy sitting next to me had on the biggest pair of cowboy boots I'd ever seen. And I remember thinking, I wonder if his IQ is any bigger than his boot size. I mean tearing these people to shreds

and off to the meeting. I made a beeline for my car and this big dumb cowboy followed me out

and he said to me, have you got a big book?

He said, of course I have a big book. Doesn't everybody have a big book? Now I would have known a big book if you'd beat me to death with it. But I couldn't tell him that, right? So he, without missing a beat, he went to his truck

and he gave me his big book. And it was the first time anybody had seen straight through me. And I was speechless. And I went to get in my car and this little old woman ran up and said, did you know you go to a lot of meetings and you don't drink in between? You can't get drunk.

Thank you.

I got in my car and I thought, these people are freaks.

But as I was driving out the car park, something happened because that little woman's voice resonated in my head. And I thought, hang on a minute, she may have a point here. If I went to a lot of maintenance and I didn't drink in between, maybe I would stay out of trouble. That's what was attractive to me. And that's exactly what I did. I went to a lot of meetings. I didn't drink in between, and my life took off. I was truly a rocket to stardom in Alcoholics Anonymous. The jobs got better, the money got better, my clothes got better. I mean I am looking good.

Right. And if you have any time in here at all, you know who I am, right? You've seen it sound good, look good, but the reality is I'm coming 5 minutes late, leaving 5 minutes early, calling it a Home group, right

I

I'm sitting in the back saying my name is Hilda, I'm an alcoholic. My head goes well, my mother thinks so. My uncle thinks so.

But I'm doing well. Ryan, I thought the steps were for those of you who are unwell. And there seemed to be a lot of you. And I got a sponsor because people were giving me a hard time about not having one, right? You know what they're like. So I found the oldest, frailest woman I could find because I thought she wouldn't give me a hard time. Right? Yeah. You know that's wrong.

So I am suiting up and showing up and that's really about it. Three years sober. I've got great jobs, lots of money. I've got this sponsor who's now in hospital dying

and I went to see her in hospital and she said to me, just remember, Hilda, Alcoholics Anonymous will be here for you when you come back. I hadn't drank yet. I had no clue what she was talking about. But of course, she passed away and I pulled away. Went from 7 meetings a week to 5:00 to 4:00 to 3:00 to 2:00 to a month because now I'm very busy, right? And I'm not going to Wednesday night because I can't stand the secretary.

I'm not going to Friday night because the same guy shares the same shite every week and I can't listen to him anymore.

And the truth is I'm now taking a as inventory, right?

So I'm in Florida, I'm on my way to my dream job in Germany. This is a job I worked really hard for. My ex has come back because I wasn't drinking. We're walking on the beach one day and she turned to me and said, you know what, Hilda, not only do I not like you, I don't love you drunk or sober. My thoughts. Are you kidding? 3 1/2 years I haven't had a drink for you, which was my other problem.

The truth is, I sat 3 1/2 years in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous, dying of alcoholism.

I didn't know. I didn't know. So I took my now X to the airport

and as the plane took off I walked in the bar. I started with double Jack because that's how I drink. Started drinking on the Thursday, arrived in Germany on the Sunday, started my new job on the Monday, got done for drunk driving on the Friday, and woke up in a wet bed next to my new boss on Saturday morning.

That's my drinking. Glamour drinking.

I drank like that for nine months and on the morning after what I hope is my last night before I woke up my own bed,

which was a bonus. I was alone, which was a bigger bonus, but the bed was wet and I was still dressed from work and all of this is very normal for me now.

But as I went to the loo I noticed my hose were all ripped. I had a great gash down my face, there was blood everywhere and I had no clue what had happened the night before. And I had a moment. Hired people and Alcoholics Anonymous talk about the hideous 4 horsemen. Terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair. I think. God, you're so dramatic.

That morning I knew who they were and my heart broke. Not because I can't drink. I drink with the best of them. I could go drinking tonight,

but I realized that morning that I had become unpredictable to me. I did not care when I was unpredictable to you. But that morning I realized I was unpredictable to me. And my heart broke. And I did the only thing I knew what to do. And I called English speaking A A. I didn't know where else to go. And the fellow who answered the phone, Steve Baker, he lets me break his anonymity. I told him my sad old story. Poor old me, been to A A screwed it up. Wine, wine, wine.

And he said something to me that truly saved my life. He said, you know, Hilda, the most natural thing in the world for an alcoholic to do is drink. That's why in Alcoholics Anonymous, we don't shoot our wounded. And I believed him. It's the only reason why I went to a meeting that night was because I thought he understood. So I'm driving over to this meeting in Hounsborough, Holland, and my head kicks in.

My head goes, hang on a minute, Hilda. We don't want anybody to think we're new, right? I don't want anybody think I don't know what's going on in here.

I mean, I memorized chapter 5 not just to where it said God could and would. I'm talking about Chapter 5. So now my head thinking about the meetings in California and Florida, big meetings like this.

My thought is I'll sit in the back, get a little bit of time, and then tell you what happened.

Sounded fair enough. I walked in the room. There was seven people in the room for an hour and a half and nobody was letting me pass. So I ended up telling all of them my sad old story. Poor old me. I mean, it wasn't hard to see who the newcomer was anyway, right? They're all shiny and new. I'm bloated, sweaty, big gash down my face. The vision for you and

at the end of the meeting they were looking for somebody to make the tea and coffee and I was thinking, wow, I hope they find somebody.

It's an important commitment.

And this voice from across the room went Hilda will do it. And I thought, Hilda, who

This meeting was Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturdays, this was Tuesday night. I said, hang on a minute, I didn't know if I'm going to be sober on Thursday. That seemed like a long time.

This woman goes, if you want to stay sober, you'll make the tea and coffee. And I was like who is this psycho bitch and why is she?

Why is she picking on me?

That's what my head did. My mouth went, oh, OK,

I I had no fight left. If you're new, I hope you're tired. I would have done anything that woman suggested and I did. I just, I didn't know what else to do,

you know, and nice job Alex on the 10 minutes. I don't know that I could do that at 30 days. I didn't know that anybody would wanted me to.

So I started making the coffee at this bloody meeting and I didn't know if it was the Thursday or the Saturday, but one of the days the same cycle woman pulled me aside and said, you know, Hilda, you're going to have to do 90 meetings in 90 days. I said, do you see where we are? Hunsbrook, Holland, It's nowhere. Hang a left,

She goes, oh, I know where we are. But there's a meeting on Friday night, Dusseldorf and Kaiser Slaton on Wednesday in Dehan on Monday. I was like, whoa, said I'm not driving all over God's Acre for a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's not happening. She goes, how far did you drive for a drink? Which is so unfair

because I am that drunk at 2:00 in the morning driving around for anything open, right? So I started tormenting my Home group because I had a thing. I had a thing about getting lost,

right? I hated getting lost. Anytime I got lost, I found AB and B, got a couple of bottles, called it a day. I did it on the way to job interviews, weddings, It didn't matter. I just that was it. So on Thursday, I'd say I'm going to Dusseldorf to, Yeah, Dusseldorf tomorrow night. Does anybody want to go? The guy I hated the most

hated always wins. I'll go with you, Hilda. It's like anybody but you.

But Mike would show up every Friday. We would drive an hour and a half to do still door for an hour, for an hour and a half's meeting, for an hour's coffee afterwards, and an hour and a half's drive home. And I wanted to kill him the entire time.

I've left skid marks on the Autobahn where I pulled over to tell him to get out and he had about eight years of sobriety and he would just laugh. We're going to be late if you don't get going.

Never dawned on him that we were on a quiet part of the Autobahn. You know,

it was madness. And I was reading something in the big book one night. To this day, I can't tell you what it was, but it prompted me to call the psycho woman, right?

And I had somebody asked me before if he didn't like her, why did you call her? The reality was she was the only other woman in my Home group. So just so you know. So I phoned her. It was like 2:00 in the morning and she answered like she was waiting.

It's creepy when they do that, isn't it?

I said I signed them reading this bit in the book and I really need a sponsor. Would you sponsor me? She said I have been but thanks for making it official.

Got a sponsor.

I have to say she was good as gold though. She dragged me through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and I argued and debated everything. I was truly that pain in the arse. And I was in her kitchen one day, she had like a nook in her kitchen and she was making coffee and we were reading the book and I was reading this and and she took me line by line, page by page, just like I like to do. And I'm reading this bit and I said, Sandy, I know what it says, but do you know what it means?

And she stopped and turned around and she chucked her big book across the room. It just missed me. And I said, Joseph, Sandy, what you doing?

She said, no. When you read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, we read the black bits. There is nothing in between the lines. What they say is what they mean. And of course, I'm a mumbler, right? I'm like, I don't know. I think there might be more too, might be a little deeper, You know, My God, she was so good to me. I was about nine months sober and I got promoted. My company were sending me to Belgium.

Belgium. I didn't know people really lived there, so I went over to Sundays. I said Sunday they're sending me to Belgium. She goes, what's the problem, Hilda?

I said, well, I'm only nine months sober and I'm not supposed to have any major changes in the first year, she said. I'm really sorry your company didn't get the memo.

Back your bags. So I moved to Belgium and I was miserable in Belgium so I tried duvet therapy. I'm sure nobody here has ever done that. It's when you get home from work, get under the duvet, get up the next day and hope it all changes.

It didn't work, but I didn't drink and finally I gave in and I called Sandy and she told me to blow the dust off my big book and get my happy little arse 20 minutes up the road to the Brussels meeting. And when I got there, I was to share honestly. And I was like, whatever,

I go to the Brussels meeting and their coffee was like sludge. And they had almost no literature. So when I shared, I told them so. And

afterwards they gave me the literature commitment and took me to coffee and they taught me how to put my hand out. And I was about 14 months sober when I got offered a job in London. And I did it all different. I went over every weekend, I had a Home group waiting for me when I got there. There was a service commitment waiting for me when I got there and people in a a help me find a flat

and I didn't have to do duvet therapy. And it was the first time I realized what you were talking about when you said to do something different for a different result. I had never tried it before and I found out it actually works and I was about

two years sober and I heard the speaker say you can do absolutely anything in Alcoholics Anonymous if you're willing to do the work and pay the price. And I thought, OK, so I went back to London. I quit me job, I went on the dole and I started applying to university

and I finally got in and I started studying. I was about four years sober when I got in and I got my first motorcycle and a tattoo and, you know, newcomer stuff and

I was going into a helping profession, going to help people, going to be a helper.

I know today that I don't like people enough to want to do that. 2 1/2 years sober, I did not know that. So I'm, I'm at university, I'm stuttering, studying this thing to to help people. Whatever. 6 1/2 years sober, My life is good.

My life is good. I'm at university, I've got a job, I'm active in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm in the middle of the bed of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am involved. Life is really good. And I was on my way to a convention in the South of England and the phone rang and it was my mom. My mom was living in Southern California and she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. And she asked me in a couple of months she was having these big operations and would I come out to Pasadena where she was.

And of course, I said I would. And

I I had spent the entire sobriety to that point asking my sponsor, how do I make amends to this woman, my mom? I mean, I'm an only child and I called my mother collect from foreign jails. I tore her heart out. You know, my sponsor says, if you're sitting here with us tonight, there are 10 people digesting their dinner better, 10 people sleeping better because you're here with us. And I can tell you my mom is one of the 10.

And when she had these operations, I flew out to Pasadena, and I made sure I was there when she woke up and I was there when she went to sleep. And

the old 202 Club was right across the street. And I went over for meetings when she was sleeping. And, you know, I made sure I could be as as much of service to her as I could. And oddly enough, they say, is it Otter? God. Oddly enough, because of what I had been doing at university, I got to nursery at home early. And I was changing her tubes one day. And my mom turned to me and said, I didn't know how I'll ever repay you. I said you don't get it.

6 1/2 years I have waited for this moment when I get to be the daughter you deserved instead of the one you had.

And I can tell you, my mom and I have a great relationship today. She's in remission and I love that thing. Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away because that's been my sobriety. It's not been about the years, It's been about the moment. You know,

we came out to Southern California. I was eight years sober and

Southern California changed my entire sobriety. I had lost my focus somewhere along the way and the sponsor that I have today that I got then

reminded me that our primary purpose is to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. I had missed that somewhere and

in I don't know if it was 2007 or 8, but my partner had some visa problems and we had to go back to Ireland for a year. I did not get on well in Ireland

but I'm well trained in Alcoholics Anonymous. I phoned my sponsor every day, I found her every day from Ireland and finally I just gave in and said look, Sharon, I don't know what to do. And she said I think it's time you get on an effing plane.

And I hung up the phone and my partner, who's three months longer sober than I am, and she will tell you so,

said, what did Sharon say? I said, she told me to get on an effing plane. And she said, do you need a lift to the airport? Because we knew we'd work it out. And I came back to Southern California. I was 15 1/2 years sober, jobless, penniless, sleeping on my mom's floor, not where I wanted to be at 15 1/2 years sobriety. And I had a terrible time trying to get a job. And it was a little dark. And

I called my sponsor one day and I said, look, I just, I can't give my mom any money. I can't seem to get a job. I don't know what to do. And my sponsor, without missing a beat, went, hang on a minute. Aren't you and your mom watching certain television shows together every week? I said, well, yeah, she didn't. Aren't you having dinner a couple of times a week to get her? I said, well, yeah. She said, don't you think this might be an opportunity to make amends to your mom by allowing her to be a mother?

I wasn't really buying it at the time, but in hindsight, I know she was. She was right. And in 2010, I guess it was. I got a job and got a better job and Julie got back in the country and now we got nice cars and we're living in nice flats. And in 2011, the company I was working for was going under. So I called my mom. I said, mom, the company's going under, I'm going to be out of work. My mother went You can come live with me.

It took my mother 24 hours to realize I'd just given her bad news. She phoned me the next day and said, oh Hilda, I'm really sorry about your job.

Too late. In 2012 I was up for two jobs at the same time. One was with unmanned drones for the military and the other was with the spirit of giving.

If you've had more than a 10 minute conversation with me, you know I'm an unmanned drones for the military kind of girl. My sponsor is next. Bong wine drinking Hippie

said the spirit of giving would be good for you. So I was being a smart arse and I said why don't we leave it to God? She said I think that's a great idea. So I had to take whoever offered me the job first. So of course I ended up working for the Spirit of Giving with slides from the 2nd floor to the 1st and Barefoot Fridays. And it was, it was a whole thing for me, right?

Every year you go on, or every year in your third year, every two years you go on this giving trip to a third world country. And I got to go to Honduras and every morning I got up and I got in the van and I was unplugged for 10 days, which is unheard of for me. And we went to a remote part of Honduras where the kids are direct descendant of the Mayans and the government doesn't acknowledge them, so they don't. Their schools don't have electricity and very little running water. And these are the happiest kids you'll ever meet.

And we had a medic with us because some of these kids feet are tore up, you know. And I had a little Salah and his feet were a mess. And when the medic took him away, he started to cry

and

he didn't think he was going to get his shoes. And my heart cracked open just a little bit because I'm not that girl. And as we were packing up to leave, I saw the little fella across the valley with his new shoes in his hands, giving me a wave. And my heart cracked open just a little bit more. So I'm not that girl,

and

I can tell you that if it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous and strong sponsorship, I'd have missed it.

I almost missed it.

And last year in January I got this e-mail from this company that wanted me to send my resume and I never do that when I'm working somewhere, but I did. And in the February they asked me to come interview in person and I never do that when I'm working somewhere. But I did. And two weeks after that it lost me job and it was a reorg. It had nothing personal. It was just business and I got it and I and it wasn't about the other job. I didn't get the other job. I think it was all about helping me get halfway out the door

because otherwise I probably would have been very upset.

But because I was already halfway out the door, I was able to worry about my team. I got in the car and I called my sponsor and I said, you know, I just lost my job

and my team were really upset when they saw me packing my box. And my sponsor, without missing a beat, went, how great is that, that you're worried about your employees and not about losing their job? I was like, no, I didn't say I wasn't worried about losing my job.