Steps 8 and 9 at the Beacon Group in Boston, MA

Today we will hear a talk on steps 8:00 and 9:00, and I'll just review the steps again. Eight, we made a list of our persons we had harmed, became willing to make amends to the mall, and nine may direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or other. Please give a warm welcome to Jeffrey from Vancouver, who will be speaking for us today. Give it up.

Thank you, Jeffrey.

Thank you so, so much. My name is Jeff. I'm a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I was just thinking, you know, 19 years ago. So my sobriety date is August 16th, 2003. So 19 years plus years ago,

people would not ask me to speak, people would not ask me to share. People didn't even be wanted. Well, where did you go? Want to be around me. So it's it's a great honor and a pleasure just to be here in Vancouver, BC, Canada via Boston.

It's great to be in this group. So I call myself an alcoholic. So in simplicity, so I'm going to probably reference a couple pages out of the big book. It's kind of just what I do. But the only reason why I'm able to do that is because of not just the knowledge, but the experience behind it. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing this. You know, I used to in my earlier on sobriety, but I had no experience with it and I just stayed suffering in a, a so what's an alcoholic? So top of page 44 in our big book

outlines it. It says Jeff, if when you honestly want to, you cannot quit entirely. So what does that mean? That means to stay stop for good. Because I tried to stay stopped for good about 2500 times, like quite a few times by 2:00 that same day something happened. You know, whether it be something sensitive or not even a cloud in the horizon. I found myself drunk. And then it says Jeff, if one drinking, you can't control the amount I take. So it looks like this. It looks like a phenomenon of craving or an allergy that the good doctor talks.

So it's, it's kind of like, you know, hockey games on tonight. Hey John, you know, you got to work tomorrow. I got to work tomorrow. Let's just go for one or two or three drinks. That's it. No more than that because we have obligations. We have a structure in life where where we just got to taper it down. So we go and what happens to me is I don't have one or two or three. I have 112233 vote 99.99% of the time. So that's what qualifies to me to be here and to speak and also via our third tradition

right there wherever desire to stop drinking. So my job today, first of all, I want to thank the Beacon group for for asking me to do this and just to be here is to talk about step 8 and step 9. But where I also want to go with this is if we go to it's not necessarily going to approve literature about the 24 hour day book. And it states this on October 2nd and I'm going to read it and it says what makes an effective a, a talk in an A, a meeting. It's not fine speech with choice words,

impressive delivery. Trust me, that's what I want to do. My ego, it's it's often quite just a few simple words direct from the heart are more effective than most polished speeches. There's always a temptation to speak beyond our own experience, and we relate to that in order to make a good impression. This is never effective. What does not come from the heart does not reach the heart. What comes from personal experience and a sincere desire to help other people

reaches the heart. So I ask myself, do I speak for the effect or do I speak with a deep desire to help? And hopefully it's a desire to help. So step eight, I'm just going to jump right into step eight. It says made a list of of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. So through my lineage, through sponsorship is we kind of dissected that and found out where is that in the big world besides in the step 8,

besides on page 76, in that short little paragraph that has step 8. So I look at made a list of all persons I had harmed. So if I jump forward to page 82, lines 24 to 33, it says this. It says the alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of other people. Hearts are broken, sweet, sweet relationships are dead, affection have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.

We feel that Jeff is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He's like the farmer who came up out of his cycle and seller to find his home and room to his wife. He remarked don't see anything the matter here, Ma, ain't it grand? The wind stop blowing. So the reason why I say that is persons we had harmed and it says that right here as is hearts are broken, relationships are dead, affections have been not rooted. So made a list of all people we have harmed. There's just an episode out of the

book and it says became willing and if we jump over the page 76 lines 2:00 to 8:00, it says we have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. We are now, are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can you take them all? Everyone, if we still clean the something we will not let go. We ask God help us to be willing. So that comes from our 6th step. You know, it also states in 76 further down the page it says if we haven't the will to do this,

we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any length for victory over alcohol. And in the third part of step 8, the Cliff note, it says to make amend. So what is amends? Amends to remove or correct faults in to rectify, to grow or become better by reforming oneself

so if to make amends to them all. Page 77 says,

But Jeff is sure to be impressed with the sincere desire to set right the wrong. He is going to be more interested in a demonstration of goodwill than our talk just talk of spiritual discoveries. And it also says under no condition to be criticized such a person or argue simply. We tell him that we'll never get over drinking until we have done the utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so,

never trying to tell him what he should do the other people. So his faults, the other person's fault are not discussed. We stick to our own. If our manner, this is like God's ideal is calm, frank and open, we will be gratified with the result. So it also says that this list come from our four steps, four step inventory, which we've written in the previous steps.

And it can also be from not our inventory, you know, where there isn't a resentment behind it sort of thing. So there's step 8. So with step 8 for me,

I'm going to give 2 examples on this list. So this, OK, Step 8 is not step 9. There's so many times when I sponsor people and from me being a sponsor where I look at step 8 and immediately go into step 9 and what happens? All these defects arise, especially fear. Well, I don't want to make that amends to that person. You know, I'm already jumping into step 9. So right now we are in step eight. It's simple, it's just a list. Let's not go into step 9 until we go into step 9, which means the list

complete. So how does this the way it was taught to me? How does what does this list look like? And it looks like amends that I'm able to do right now, amends that I'm able to do in the near future and the men's that I just don't want to do. And I had quite a few in every single one of those ways. And the reason why why it was shown to me that way is not through my sponsors experience. I think Joe and Charlie talk about it too that way. One of them is that the ones I can do now

easier to get to the harder ones, and when I get to the harder ones I'm going to do later, it makes it a lot easier to get to the ones that I'm never going to do. So in that list I'm going to just talk about two of them was

blacktop cab. So cab drivers and the reason why I need to make amends to them because I have been in a drunken blur where I kind of forgot to pay the cab driver, you know, jumping out of the car, running over, jumping over bushes and trying to get away, not paying the cab. So it's a financial amends I need to do this. So I put down

cabs. Another immense is to my father.

The things that I put my father through

and while I was drinking are pretty insane. They're pretty aggressive. They're not pleasant whatsoever.

My dad is December 1st, 99, passed away from cancer and I'm full blown alcoholic. I am now downtown east side of Vancouver, homeless, 100 lbs soaking wet and a month before my dad passed away.

I ended up at my mom and dad's house and there's my dad's wallet sitting on the table. And I went through his wallet and grabbed enough money to provide my my, my drinking. And I turned around after I put his wallet down on there he was looking at me 30 days before he passed away, tears streaming down his face,

and he said these words to me. It was Jeff.

Why are you doing this?

How can you be doing this? What happened to me is I didn't know how to handle that situation. I just looked at him and I took off and I burned my life down to the ground. It was it was guilt, remorse, and more reflection that I just could not deal with. I couldn't. Every time I saw my mom, my beautiful mom, or my two brothers, my dad would enter my mind and I just was.

I couldn't even be in my own skin, you know what I mean? So that besides stealing the sun from him,

you know that that was the main one, but there's so many other ones with my father. So I'm like, I know I have to make amends to my dad somehow. I don't know how, right? So there's just the two that are on the list. So now I'm going to go into step 9. So step 9 says, made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so and injure them or others. Let's dissect that from our big book made direct amends to page 76 says now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done

in the past. We attempt to sweep weighted debris which is accumulated out of our effort to live on self will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes, I'm going to pause there. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it's done. So what I do is I use the entirely ready in our 6th step with the humbleness and our 7th step

to get to that spot and then back to made direct amends on that same page. It says, remember, it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths over victory over alcohol,

right to such people wherever possible. Where is this coming from besides page 59 of our big book, our Cliff notes on page 76 and get 76? Wow, what a powerful page. Line 17 to 19, it says we have a list of people we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. So in regards to that, it says we must be willing to make amends where we where we have done harm, provided we do not bring still about more harm in doing so. And that's on page 69

and it says we also made it when we took inventory. So once again, the four step inventory, especially the harms our conduct relationship inventory, we call it the sex inventory plus there may be harms done where there is no resentment. And then to the last part of step nine from the clip notes, it says except when to do so it injured them or others. Page 80 lines one through 5.

This is so, so important. Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people, we secure their consent.

If we have obtained permission, have consulted with others, ask God to help and the drastic step is indicated. We must not shrink. So let's dissect that. So my go to through what my sponsor, the sensitive Marty J said is

with these amends, I go to God. So I ask God for help. And the second part is consult with the sponsor. So now I'm going to Marty, going to my sponsor. Let's look at this. How should the wording be? You know, because I'm so selfish and self-centered, page 62 and full of fear that I'm going to like try to make these amends where it might make me look good or I might leave things out, you know, So I'm not going to my sponsor say, let's do this with the help of the asking from this power

that I found deep down within page 55, we're going to get this. It's almost like an itinerary, almost like a sheet where I write down, this is what I'm going to say, this is what I'm going to do sort of thing, right? And the third part is to obtain permission. Wow. How many times have I put myself to go make amends and it backfired because the person didn't know what was going on to obtain permission. So it looks like this.

I phoned someone up, let them know

whom what I am, even though they do the reason why I'm doing it. And is it OK if we set if if you have time and if you're willing to set aside X amount of time on this day where me and you can meet up to have something I want to talk to you about get their permission because if they say yes, perfect move forward. If they say no, we need to respect that respect it and say no because they're maybe don't want anything to do with me anymore or whatever it is right. So ask God, consult with Marty and obtain permission. And the reason why is

because my real purpose is to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and to the people about us. The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it paid 79 now switches. It switches. If if anyone's ever noticed the willingness to go go to any length of our alcohol, it says we have now decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience,

right. So step, step 8:00 and 9:00 there's it's not just a list, but it is just a list. It's about how we provide and go about

go about doing this list. And for me it was those three ways. Now soon never. And step 9 isn't just about saying I'm sorry. It isn't just about making amends. I got to look at am I going to harm someone? I am. Am I going to bring in an outsider by making this amends that this person is going to be harmed? You know what I mean? And it's only about my side of the street. It's not about,

I'm not sitting there after I make my amends and say, all right, you know, you need to forgive me because that may not be the case.

It may not be. So if we go back to the list, Jeff's list, the cab driver, I'm sitting there going, Mart, how am I going to make amends to this? And he said, you know, well, let's ask God for help. So I went there, right? And God said, well, you have to pay him back. So I phoned him up, 1800 cabs, whatever it is. And I phoned him up and I said, hi, my name is Jeff. I'm a silver member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 15 years ago, I ran away from three or three or five cabs, probably told him about 250 dollars, $25 a piece. I'd like to pay you back.

Can I go to your office and drop off $250 for people that come back from the shift where someone did exactly the same thing I did and this is what their response was. If you leave that money here, within 5 minutes it's going to be gone and we don't know where it is.

I'm like, OK, well how else can I switch this up? What can I do? And this is what happened. The very next day. I took my beautiful family camping. Now I had that. So I we dropped off the RV at a campsite. It's a little bit secluded,

OK. And I had to go to work. So I got back in my car and I went to work. And at the beginning of this entrance of this campsite, guess who pulled in? A cab driver. Have you ever seen a cab driver pull into a campsite? Maybe while we're drinking? Because crazy things happen while we while we drink. And there are two people in the back. So I stopped them. I cut the road off and I stopped them. And he rolled his window down and I said, Sir, there's something I'd like to give to you. And I gave him $25. I said, this isn't for the people in the back. This is

for you. I just want to thank you for your service and enjoy your day. And I did that. I don't know how many times, 10 times, not at a campsite, but when I'm walking down the street, a cab sitting there in the cab parking lot, I'd ask him to roll the window down. I'd do exactly the same thing until the $250 estimated was done was given back. And the great thing about that is I no longer have anxious fear about getting to a cab or that memory, You know, you look like the guy I ran from

years ago, you know, and I didn't pay my bill. So there's freedom. There's freedom in that. Like a nine step promises. Now here's the here's the heavy hitter for me about my dad. My dad. OK, my dad. Oh my God,

he he in his healthy days, he was about 6 foot three, 250 lbs of solid Swedish Viking of a man, tall and handsome. And this guy, this guy was my rock. He was solid and the things that I did

and that instance that I told you about stealing from him while he was pretty much on his deathbed and getting caught and running and running from him.

His nickname growing up and throughout his his adult years from his from his siblings and from his friends was Hogie. Hoagie is his nickname, right?

How am I going to make the amends to him? Took three times. The first time was in a treatment center when I first sobered up

and I wrote it now. Sorry for this, sorry for that. Please ask for my forgiveness. And then I threw it away. I got a little bit of relief, a little bit of relief. Christmas time I went, I went to Christmas to see my mom and my brothers. And it came back. Worry, remorse, more reflection. It wasn't gone. It wasn't gone. It gave me instant gratification, almost like that sense of ease and cover that comes out once when we first write a letter, you know, that sort of thing, right? So more had to be revealed, more

to be done. So I ended up relapsing three months later because I didn't quite get step one. I didn't understand that the first step promises that you're going to drink again if you don't do all 12 steps as best you can with a sponsor, etcetera, etcetera, and stop resting on your laurels and continue with the disciplines of 10 and 11. I missed all that, so I relapsed. I came back, Dad was on the list, on my four step again, on the eight step list again. I needed to make amends so I changed it up this time.

I talked about it in like this step

and I wrote another letter, this one a little bit more deep and a little bit more meaningful. And then like I did a little Jeffrey ceremonial sacrificial fire burning of the letter sort of thing. Sense of ease and comfort came at once. After that was done and completed,

talk to my mom and brothers on the phone and instantly it came right back again. Worry, remorse and more reflection until one day and I'm suffering in the rooms of Alcoholics and honest about seven or eight years sober.

A man came up to me and saw that I was suffering and he said, Jeff, are you willing to come to my house on a Monday night and bring your big book and allow me to take you through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous? And this was the very first time I went through all 12 at this this way, sitting across the table from this man named Charles. And we went through all 12 steps. I had a spiritual awakening. But when it came to steps four and five, when it came to step 8:00 and 9:00,

my dad was still there.

I had to switch it up. So what I used was the power in our third step, that decision, that decision where Jeff, when you run your life, it won't be a successive requirement. And that decision to turn everything over, my thoughts, my actions, my will, my life over to God. I brought that into the 6th step and I use the 6th step to make to make an itinerary of the ninth step around my dad. And this is what came up for me

was

how am I going to do this? OK,

it says to make direct amends.

My dad's relative truth, his body has formed is not here. He's in the spiritual spirit realm. It's, it's been eight years or so and this voice in my brain came up to me and said, phone your mom.

Wow.

Oh, my mom. So iPhone, my mom and I asked permission. I said, mom, there's something I really need to talk to you about. So I might start getting a little weepy here. So I'm just going to say, hey, Matthew, you can be my Tito. So get me some tissues if I start crying.

I asked my mom for permission. She knew exactly what it was. She only wants the best for me, right? So I made a date and a time with my mom. And it doesn't stop there. When my dad was dying from cancer, he had the Super long pillow that helped his back when he was sitting up

right because he was so frail from that disease. This pillow has signatures of a bunch of kids names that they sewed onto this. Their actual signature was sewn on by by a mom that there's is from a daycare. My dad just loved these kids and he carried this pillow along with them wherever he went. So I think so I grew, I went to my mom's house, I grabbed that pillow and then Moore came to me from this power.

My dad built a pool when me and my 2 two brothers were really young in our backyard. And I remember waking up every Sunday morning,

I knew where he was. He was vacant, had a copy in his hand, and he was vacuuming that pool. And like, he had a big smile on his face. It wasn't that he was loving back in the pool, but I knew that he was loving taking care of this pool for his boys and the neighborhood kids. So I grabbed my mom, I grabbed the pillow and we sat down at the pool on this pillow and put our feet into the water.

I said

direct demand to my dad through my mom, eyes to eyes with my mom and I let her know everything, everything that I did. And it didn't stop there because I'm now placed with my mom where I did exactly the same things to her I did with my dad. And I got to tackle the immense to my mom and the men's to my dad at a deep level that had nothing to do with Jeff's consciousness.

It came from a power deep down within

reason why I really love this story.

A week later I'm at home at this beautiful house me and my wife bought. Who's on here? Babe? I love you so much.

I'm sitting in the living room and not asleep but not awake. I'm on the couch and my doorbell. Right? This is a 2008 2009. I get up and I answer the door. Guess who's at the door,

Hoagie?

My dad,

what? How is that possible? He walked inside that house looking like that, 6 foot three, £250 Swedish Viking, king of Adat. And he looked at me and said, son, I just want to see how you're doing. And he looked around, small talk, conversation, I didn't really say too much. And he looked at me and he said I'm proud of you. There's things I have to do, I have to go now. And he walked himself

out the house and shut the door.

And I found myself standing in the living in the middle of that living room when that doorbell rang. I was on the couch standing up in the middle of that living room. So you want to call this a dream? You want to call this a vision? I don't know what it was, but it happened. You know, whether he was he, obviously he wasn't really there, but his spirit came in. This tells me that that eight step and nine step through the third step through the 6th step, through the 7th step, practicing these principles,

bringing in the 10th step into that. Because when these crop up,

the promises of the ninth step happened. So if we look at the promises of the ninth step. Hey, let's go to page 52 of the big one. It talks about the bedevilments. Jeff around my dad was having trouble with personal relationships. Check. Yes. OK, Jeff, can you control your emotional nature? Well, every time I saw my mom thought of my dad, I looked at my brother's. No, I couldn't. Jeff, are you afraid of misery and depression around this?

What you did to with your dad? Yes, of course it was. Jeff, could you make a living? Not financially. I'm not talking about that. I mean live to live around that. No. You know, Jeff, did you have a feeling of uselessness? Of course, I was

not a son or a friend. Jeff, were you full of fear? Yes, Jeff. Were you unhappy? Oh, I was in major depression over here. Over. Jeff, could you be of real help to your mom and your brother's? No, not even to myself

this living room, Jeff, I just want to see I'm proud of you instance this mom pillow pool amends.

Let's look at the nine step promises.

Jeff lost interest in selfish things and gained interest in his fellows. His self seeking slipped away. Jeff comprehend the word serenity and I knew peace,

peace around my dad, you know. Jeff's whole attitude and outlook upon life changed.

Fear of people and economic insecurity left me. That feeling of uselessness and self pity disappeared.

Geoffrey know how to handle situations which used to baffle us intuitively via step three-step six, step 7. By this power, Jeff was going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. Trust me, when I look at my dad right now,

I picture him and all I see is smiles. All I see is father, son. All I see is grace. No matter how far down Jeff, Jeff went down the scale, he will now see how this experience can benefit others. How do you make amends to someone who's in the spirit realm, who's not here in the in the relative truth has formed the absolute truth. I have experience behind it.

I will not regret the past. Do I regret the past? No. Did it happen? Yes. Am I sitting in the Four Horsemen? Where's more of a reflection? No.

In love, yes,

Jeff will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Trust me, I tried to do it with myself and it didn't work like I told you people, right? And it doesn't stop there around Hoagie. It doesn't stop. He keeps happening.

Mr. Marty J, my sponsor, his sponsor, his name is Dwayne, Sovered up in the 50s. He passed away at about 54 years of sobriety.

He passed away a couple years ago. And I went to God and I went to God and I'm in my office where I'm at right now, right? God. OK, a friend of mine just passed away.

Marty is going to be suffering a loss. It'll be mourning. Please help him. Show me how you would have me be to be there for him, sort of thing. Right? And then I went to my dad. You know why I went to my dad? Just because I had an actual dream where my dad was in the dream and I went to the hospital. I see it a minute and and a half left.

I'm standing there with my family and I levitated over this emergency room. Drake, where there I looked over it and there was this elderly lady dying from natural causes. OK. And right beside her was my dad holding her hand. I could see through him and I could watch her taking her breath. And then she stopped breathing. She took her last breath. My dad looked up on me and he disappeared and she passed away in Greece. That's what my dad is doing today.

He's helping people move on, you know what I mean? So that's why I went to my dad when when Shrek Dwayne passed away,

I said, Dad, I know what you're doing. Be there when be there for, for Dwayne. When you see him grab his hand and go have a coffee. And I stop my prayer. And then instantly the thought came to me and said, go get some Starbucks. It's down the road, Jeff, go get some Starbucks. Now I got into my truck. I drove out of the the parking lot and I got cut off by a white car cut off. I stopped and I looked at this white car car in the license plate stood out. And guess what the license plate was?

HOGIE,

I did a talk in Portland, OR earlier this year in February with my beautiful, amazing wife came and showed up with me there and, and we did a talk And we're one of our kids has, has a peanut, fish and tree nut allergy. So there's certain things we can't eat here, but we're on doing an, a, a convention down there and, and we decided to go eat some food that we're allowed to eat. I'm going to end it here.

We're driving and the navigation was recalculating. Recalculating. I just missed the turn off. My wife goes, no, you didn't. Just look at what the street sign says.

Right, babe,

it said. Hoagy,

I wasn't going in the wrong direction

with you people with a A and with this power, this design for living, we're never going to go in the wrong direction.

The 8th step is a list. The 9th step is amends is not just a simple list and it's not just a simple. I'm sorry if there's anything I missed, please let me know because I want to right these wrongs. Thank you

for that. I'm not sure if you're.