The Paramount Group in Paramount, CA

Hi, everybody. I'm Danny Marsh. I'm an alcoholic.

Hello,

it is so cool to be in this room. I love this room. I I get to see some friends who have known for a really long time and and this room always makes me feel really safe and really welcome and if you're new, I'm sure you're really thrilled for me. I'm sure you're like,

sure you're like sweating crystal meth out of your spinal fluid and going, but I'm

really happy for the chubby Jew at the podium. Really. I hope he has a good night, 'cause

excuse me, I'm sorry. I was in New York last week and I caught this little bronchial cold infection thing and I'm like 3 days on antibiotics and inhalers and steroids. And so I could be done in about four minutes or I could just pass out right here, or I could cough up a lung while I'm talking. It should be a really fun night.

I want to thank Hillary for asking me to come and do this. It's it's an honor. I

It's an honor to leave my family on a Sunday night, really. And

it's the one night a week we get together to have dinner, 'cause my daughter, it's funny, I haven't been here in a couple years and, and I'll never forget like the first time I hear I was here, I think my daughter was two or three years old and, and she just turned 16 and, and yeah, it makes me feel a little too, because I, I'm the same age I was when she was born. And, and, but so, and she's 16 and she's still speaking to me. So it's a really big deal in our house

when she's not in a room by herself with her iPhone and her iPad and her laptop going. Who's this again? Who are you again? I need some money and can you just take me to my friend's house

because I'm really just an ATM and a chauffeur.

I but I'm really honored to be here and I'm really I I love Alcoholics Anonymous. We were talking before the meeting about, about my late sponsor and, and,

and,

and how lucky I was to find a family and Alcoholics Anonymous that welcomed a broken, dying, bleeding man and gave him a simple kit of spiritual tools and turned him into the guy that's standing in front of you today. And he did it with kindness and gentleness and ease. And he wasn't a bully and he wasn't a mean guy and he wasn't, you got to do this and you better do that. And if you don't do this and you got to do, he was a guy who said welcome,

you're safe, honey, in your home. So if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous and no one's welcomed you properly welcomed a A, you're safe and you're home. We need nothing from you. You don't got to do Jack around here, right? If the best you can do is come to a meeting and when you leave here, if you get loaded, if you could please come back again tomorrow until this magic starts to take effect on you. I welcome you.

I, I get confused a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous with

directions and being told what to do and how to do it and when to do it and, and all of that. And no one could beat me up more than I could beat myself up before I got here, right? I was, I was such a big ball of shame when I got here that

your punishment couldn't permeate the shame that I was killing myself with. And if you're new and you got that black hole of shame, welcome. You're safe. Your secrets are safe with us.

And, and I take a a very seriously. I have this big beautiful life that I shouldn't be having as a result of, of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I take my sobriety very seriously. I, I'm a drunk, right? I drink. I was, I was in New York and I was flying back on Friday night and there was a guy sitting next to me, maybe he was about 3035 years old. And, and he drank

in the first hour of the flight, he drank 2 bottles of wine,

right? The, the, the, the flight attendant just kept pouring him and he just kept putting his glass out. And I really like that wine. Can I have more of that wine? And he's like drinking it, like I drank it, right? And so I know what he's doing. And, and I'm counting the glasses 'cause I'm counting the glasses and, and at one point he's like, give me two glasses and he's got 2 glasses sitting on the little thing that separate our two seats. And there's turbulence in the air. And he starts off as this

really nice guy, right? Nice to meet you, how you doing, blah, blah, blah. And then he puts his headphones on and he's intently listening to some music and he's drinking more wine. And then he's head banging. And then he's like singing out loud in the plane and he's just going and the wines like wobbling. And I know and, and I'm staring at the cup of wine, right? I'm staring at it because I know it's going to spill on me and then it's going to get ugly. And, and then all of a sudden he passed right out.

Just passed right out. And that's my drinking career. That's the story of my drinking. I started off strong. I drank a lot really fast and I petered out really early and I spent 30 years doing that right. I just, I drank and passed out and I drank and I passed out and I had big dreams when I drank and lofty goals. And I was going to get a lot of I also smoked a lot of pot

and I hated pot. I hated it, but I smoked it every day for a decade.

And, and I talk a lot about drugs and I'm sorry if they talk about drugs offend anybody In Bill's story, our founder's story talks about Bill drank and drank and drank and he couldn't stop drinking. And he went to a doctor and the doctor gave him a sedative and the next day found Bill taking both gin and sedative. So if drugs were good enough for a founder, they were good enough for me. And I, I did copious amounts for a really long time. I especially, I like to, I, I hated smoking pot. I felt like a puppy on linoleum, you know, I was like, I was a lot of activity,

but I never left like that little square in the kitchen. And I also really, really liked freebasing with hookers. It was one of the most,

it was one of the most fun things that I used to do and, and I would still do it, but my wife frowns on that. And,

and I, I periodically, I missed that.

I a lot, a lot. I miss it a lot. So I, you know, I, so I understood this guy who was sitting next to me because I drank just like him, right? And I drank and I couldn't stop drinking. And once I put alcohol in my system, all bets are off. I used to live around the corner from three of my favorite bars in the valley.

And I would go to one was called Stanley's, one was called Moonlight Tango, and one was called Prezzo. And I'd get home from work and I'd say to myself, I woke up in the morning and I'd say to myself, I will not drink today no matter what. I will not drink today no matter what. And I got home from work and I thought, OK, I'll go to Stanley's and I'll have one. And I went to Stanley's and drank. And then I'd walk across the street and drink some more than I'd walk over to Prezzo and drink because it was a very sophisticated drink or I was drinking double grand

days. And then I'd walk down to the block to the restaurant where my coke dealer worked. I'd buy an 8 ball and I'd go home and I'd do it all by myself. I really enjoyed peeking through curtains and looking under doorways to like 4:30 or five in the morning. It was one of the highlights of my cocaine use. I really, I appreciated psychosis.

I wasn't much of a party guy. Like I did most of this stuff by myself. I,

I, I periodically maybe would call an escort service because I like to date by the hour and I found it far more convenient for me. I

and that's just how I drank. And if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous and you relate to any of that, welcome. And if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous and you don't relate to any of that, let me tell you that the source of all that. So that I was really scared and I was really lonely

and I was really tired, and I had no clue how to live life on the planet the way you guys did.

I believed way deep down inside that you guys were all given

like the list, the rules, and I didn't get it because you guys seem to navigate the planet so easily and everything was so difficult for me. And as an incredible people pleaser night, I could tell you everything I think you needed to hear so that you would become my friend because because I was so afraid and so tired of being alone. And if you're new to Alcoholics and Anonymous and you relate to any of that, welcome. You're in the right place

because you are not alone. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley. That didn't 'cause my alcoholism. I came from normal parents. We had a lovely family. It was, you know, I had AI, had a baby brother, and then a little sister came along and a mom and a dad and I. My grandfather was a rabbi in Hollywood. I was the first person suspended from Hebrew school under my grandfather's reign because

they got tired of me smoking pot in the bathroom.

And I had a pretty normal, a pretty normal childhood. My first drunk was at my bar mitzvah. My grandfather was the rabbi on the pulpit in front of 1800 of his closest, you know, congregants. I drank, I threw up on the pulpit before my bar mitzvah, my Torah portion. He was not as proud of me as I had hoped. And

and then we went to a party afterwards. We had a big party and I drank all night and I threw up on the guests and I embarrassed my mom and I

embarrassed my dad and I embarrassed his community. And, uh, and the next thing I remember is the following morning going, you know, that really wasn't so bad. I could do this again like I can and that's the way I drank. Like if you get between me and the drink, I will kill you, right? Nothing stands between me and the drink and I don't care about your hopes for me or your dreams for me or your caring for me or anything that any of that means. If you get between me and the cocktail, I will kill you. I was talking to one of the guys I sponsor on the drive here and

and we're talking, we're going over as giving him some six and seven step instructions because he had just finished this way too long inventory that like took for freaking ever. And and I was really proud of him for the first nine hours. And then and then I was thinking of giving him some other sponte's phone numbers to finish. But but we had just gone over some six and seven step instructions and it was we had a really nice talk and we were talking about he was talking about dating. And I suggested that he never do it again.

And, and

mainly because it would just be so much easier for me if he didn't 'cause I didn't want to hear about it anymore. And, and then I, I reminded him of how he drank, which is how I drank, which is I will kill you to get to a drink, right? I will kill you to get to a drink. And I had, I was surrounded by people who had my best interests at heart and who only wanted to see me succeed and who only wanted to to lift me up and and go above and beyond.

And I killed them to get to a drink or a drug. And when I was about 18 years old,

I was drinking pretty good and I was doing some drugs and I was away with a, with a girlfriend one afternoon and I came home to find out that my little brother had died in a mountain climbing accident. And three weeks later I was taking a walk with my dad at La Valley College and he dropped dead of a heart attack and and it sucked, right? It it absolutely sucked and it

and it changed my life and it ripped out like all that safety and security and comfort and understanding that I had known my whole life. And I went to the rabbi at the time and I said, how do I wrap my head around this? How do I make sense about with all of this? And he said, I shake my fist at God And I said that's not good enough that I got no, no connective tissue to that. There's no tethering me to that. And I crawled into another bottle of Jack Daniels. And I can tell you standing here that those

though those experiences were life changing and life altering for me. They had zero to do with my alcoholism.

Absolutely zero. Because if they did, I could go to a grief recovery seminar and freebase like a normal guy. And I can't like I'm, I'm, I am bodily and mentally different from my fellows. I put alcohol and drugs to my sister and I can't predict at all. I have a, a really good friend who I love who was sober for a little bit and then he decided he was going to go to a bathhouse and drink. And he was drinking all night and in a bathhouse and doing whatever he's doing.

And about 2:00 in the morning, he called his sponsor and he said, I just need for you to know I've been drinking. I'm gonna continue drinking tonight, and I'm gonna come to a meeting in the morning. And his sponsor said, I have two questions for you, mate. He was English and I don't have an accent. He said, first question is, are you alcoholic? And he said, yes, I'm alcoholic. And the second question is what makes you think you have the luxury to decide when you can stop?

And my friend heard that loud and clear. He walked out of the bathhouse. He went to a meeting and he's been sober 23 years,

right? So that's the kind of guy I am. I can't predict when I'm gonna stop. So if you're new and you're lucky enough to have stopped, congratulations. It's the hardest part for me is to break that cycle of spree and remorse and replace it with the cycle of surrender and commitment. It's the most difficult task that I have. And I was gifted by a power greater than myself, who separated me from a cocktail long enough to start to hear the music of Alcoholics Anonymous.

That eventually changed my life. So I drank, right? I drank and I drank,

and I was in College in San Francisco and I found a bar and I've developed this drink. It was Jack Daniels and peppermint schnapps on the rocks.

Really. You guys are shooting heroin and you're making fun of my drink. Like, like

is, is that a little hypocrisy? Wow, that's so cool.

But the bartender felt the same way and he threw me out of the bar and refused to ever pour me that kind of drink because it was really gross and and I threw up on it a lot. But I love that you're willing to judge. Thank you.

I and I, I ended up, I ended up leaving San Francisco and I ended up in a little apartment in Toluca Lake. And I tell this story often

for two reasons. One, because I never want to forget what I was like before I got here. And two, because my wife is so embarrassed and hates when I tell this story. So I make sure I tell it all the time

because yes, I'm punitive. Yes, I am. And a bit retaliatory and, and she can take that to her sponsor. So I end up in this little apartment in Toluca Lake. And my grandfather, not the rabbi, had another grandfather who was a Russian immigrant. And he came to this country with nothing,

right. And he learned the language and he went to school and he became a pharmacist. And he worked his ass off for a really long time to make a better life for his kids and his grandkids than the one he had when he when he was born. And when he died, when he had a heart attack, I was too loaded to go to the hospital. When he died. I was almost too loaded to go to the funeral. But when they were handing out the checks from the estate, I was first in line and, and I went to my aunt's house and she was scared of me at that point. And she handed me the check and I went home,

put it in the bank and I called an escort service and she came and she brought a free base pipe and she stayed for six months.

And I don't know about the rest of you men in this room, but when I ingest cocaine, my first thought is long term Neanderthal sexual relations.

The last thing that's humanly possible is for me to be an active participant. So if you can picture the short, fat mulleted Jew waddling around his apartment with his underwear around his ankles chasing a hooker for six months, getting absolutely nowhere, I had not heard the term pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I thought those were normal dating rituals, and

my buddies who were in law school were not dating that way,

right? It wasn't until I got here that I found out that some of you guys may have dated the same way. But what happened for me is that my grandfather spent 70 years building a better life for his kids and his grandkids, and I smoked it up with a hooker in six months. So if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't know what that black hole is that you're bringing in. I don't know what that chain is that you're unwilling to set free so that you can walk the planet of Freeman. But that's what I brought to you. I was taking that to the grave, and I was that shame was going to kill me. I was so when I was

sober enough, that shame was gonna kill me. And I drank to cover that shame for a long time after that. And I ended up in an apartment in West Hollywood with a buddy of mine and I was doubled over in a whole bunch of pain. And I went to Cedars Sinai emergency room and I, and they gave me a shot of Demerol and they said whatever you do, don't drink. And I said, oh, absolutely, Sir, right away. And I went, I went home and I drank 1/5 of vodka in my bedroom because that's what I was drinking at the time, Thrifty Blue brand vodka

out of the bottle in my bedroom. I'd wake up in the morning, I'd brush my tongue, I'd throw up the vodka from the night before. I'd go back to bed,

drink whatever was left in the bottle, turn on a Highway to Heaven rerun and see where my day was going to go from there.

So it wasn't as glamorous as it all looks now.

And I ended up the next day going to a gastroenterologist. And here's where I start to understand how the disease of alcoholism manifests itself in me. I play by a different set of rules than anybody else on the planet. And whatever you citizens have to adhere to, I don't. I'm a little different. I'm a little special, and I can get away with a little more stuff than you can. So I go went to a gastroenterologist and I knew he was going to draw blood. And I believe to my innermost self, he would not find alcohol in my system.

And he drew the blood and he came back and he said, do you drink? And I said, yes, Sir, I have a glass of wine tonight like anybody else. And he said, it's noon. You have a .25 blood alcohol level. And I said, OK, two glasses. And he said, he said, you have a distended liver and I'd like to check you into the hospital to detox your liver. And on my way to to having my liver detox, I had an atrial fibrillation in my heart. They threw me into coronary care for three days

and then they shuffled me off to a chemical dependency unit. So when I tell you I came to Alcoholics Anonymous dying of alcoholism, it's not because it sounds good. At the podium. My liver was that of a 55 year old man and I was 30 years old and I had an atrial fibrillation in my heart and I was almost dead because my detox from alcohol was so hard. And they sent me to this chemical dependency in it. And it was really lovely and it was really sweet and everyone loved me. And they were detoxing me with Ativan and I really liked Ativan.

It took the edge off a little bit. In fact, I'd like one right now, but you guys, you guys frown on that. So I'm not going to take one till, till later. And

so they, they thought it would be a good idea to watch the the Jew play volleyball on Ativan. And I broke, I, I, I, I broke my ankle in two places. And then they thought, and I thought, oh God, this is a great life I'm starting. And, and then they said, we're going to a place called the Log Cabin.

And I thought, cool pancakes. This is like a civilized group. I can do this. And you've got to understand, I put on my best outfit at the time. It was a Monday morning. It was 7:00. I put on my best outfit at the time. It was a purple and gold striped shirt. It was gold MC Hammer hair and pants. I weighed 235 lbs. I had the San Fernando Valley Crystal Meth Speed Drummers mullet. I had a big bushy beard. And they put me in a wheelchair and they wheeled me down Beverly

Blvd. and up Robertson Ave. at 7:00 in the morning. And they carried me up these three steps and they pushed me way over in the corner. How they knew I was a newcomer, I have no idea, but but they did. And and they gave me a cup of coffee and they said, would you like to come back tomorrow? And I said, you ass, I have to come back tomorrow. I'm in the freaking hospital down the street. I have to come here every day. Stop spitting on me. And,

and,

and I went back to the cabin every day for 30 days and I heard everything you guys had to say. And I felt so alone. And here's how psychotic I was. I believed that you guys all got together before I arrived in the morning and talked about how great your life was and that you all had like, it was like this big kumbaya group. And I was, I was the outlier. I was the only one that didn't fit in. And this thing couldn't work for me. And after 30 days in the hospital, we had this

beautiful coining ceremony. They passed around a coin and oh, Danny, we love you. And oh, Danny, you're the best. And oh, Danny, you'll be president of AA and,

and all of this really cool stuff. And I took the coin and I put it in my pocket and I got my car

and I went to Lee's liquor store and I bought 2/5 of vodka and I went home and started drinking again. It talks about me in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The difference between the alcoholic and the heavy drinker is the heavy drinker

given sufficient reason to stop stops,

right? The heavy drinker stops. I had an atrial fibrillation in my heart. I had a distended liver. I was told I was going to drink. I was going to. If I drink, I'm going to die. And I can not break that cycle of spree and remorse. I cannot stop drinking left to my own devices, no matter how hard I try. And it's not because I'm a bad guy and it's not because I'm a weak guy, and it's not because any of that. It's because I'm a sick, dying man, right? And I cannot stop drinking. And three days later, my mom and my baby sister came

to pick up, pick me up and take me back to the chemical dependence unit. And I was standing on the front porch of my house with on my crutches with a half drunk bottle of vodka in an overnight bag. And they came to take their son and their Big Brother back. And that look that I saw in their eyes in that moment is a look that I haven't had to see in anybody's eyes in over 27 years. So when Hillary says can you come down here on a Sunday night at 7:00,

the answer is you bet your freaking ass I can. Because I never want to forget what those those eyes look like in that moment. April 23rd, 1990. And if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, here's what I can promise you is that if you treat this like a real piece of business and keep it right here in front of you at all times, you never have to see those eyes again.

And if that's as good as Alcoholics Anonymous gets, I can't pay you back in freaking lifetimes.

And what happened for me is I got busy. I got busy. I got a sponsor,

uh, he'd never worked a step. I've never worked a step were perfect together. And I called him

and I called him every morning. And I said, hi, Bob, it's Danny. He said, hi, Danny, I love you. Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Call me tomorrow. And I called him every day for six months, and he didn't drink and I didn't drink. And then it was time to get another sponsor. And we got busy working the steps as he saw them. He gave me, like, some handouts and some pamphlets and some things to fill out and all kinds of crap. And we know, and I'm not judging it because he didn't drink and I didn't drink the whole time we were working the steps that way.

It worked fine in that moment. And I knew no different. And we got to the 9th step and I went to the cemetery to make amends to my dad and my brother and my grandpa. And we sat and we had a talk and, and I walked out of there and it felt kind of hollow to me, like it didn't. And you tell me that for this experience to have a lasting effect, it must have depth and weight. And that didn't have depth and weight to me. So I came back to my group and I said, what do I do? Am I doing one more time? I'm the loser, right? One more time, I'm doing it wrong.

You guys do it all right, I'm screwed it up again. And because self pity is like a warm blanket. I really enjoy it. And, and, and what you said to me is just show up and do your job in Alcoholics Anonymous. You'll know when you're clean with your dad. Just show up and do your job. And my first sponsor got Bob got really sick with AIDS and I went to the hospital every day and I held his hand and I rubbed his forehead and I changed whatever needed changing. And I didn't do it because I'm a good guy, because I'm not a good guy. I'm a selfish guy,

but I did it because that's my job in Alcoholics Anonymous. And when he died, they asked me to talk at his funeral. And this is like talking is not my deal. I'm really good one-on-one. Let's open the book, read chapter 5, get on our knees, hold hands, do the third step. Like that's that's my passion. But I talked to this funeral. I sat down and I went, oh, I'm a little cleaner with my pop. You know, I'm a little cleaner with my brother. I'm a little cleaner. So this is what you meant by doing my job in a A? So I just got busy doing my

job in a A. As you can imagine, with the mullet, the 235 lbs and the MC Hammer hair and pants, I wasn't getting a lot of action.

There was not a lot of not a lot of activity happening in my world. And

I have two dating skills, stocking and snubbing. That's it. Like that's all I got in my arsenal, right? And so I stocked this girl at my morning meeting and I didn't have the courage. She was a hairdresser and I had a mullet and I thought would be really good together. And, and I didn't have the courage to ask her out because I hadn't done a sexual inventory and I had no idea what self esteem was like and I had no idea how to be a sober adult dating

male on the planet. I had none of that. So I made a hair appointment. I figured in one hour of uninterrupted time I could con her into going out with me. So I called her up, I made a hair appointment. I went in, I asked her out, she said yes. We went. We had a great date on almost like that whirlwind Monday night, beautiful a a date. It was awesome. It was like stars and blah. It was amazing. So Tuesday morning I got called her 30 or 40 times

tonight and I left like the cards on her doorstep and the flowers on her car 'cause I didn't want her to forget about me. And Wednesday I did the same thing. And Thursday I called 30 more times because I didn't want her to forget about me. And on Friday she dumped me because I was freaking crazy. Like I was nuts. And and I went back to my sponsor. Oh, cheesy. He said, you know, just do your job in a A dude, maybe you're not ready to date, maybe you're,

but he said at the time was you are definitely not ready to date. But I softened the blow a little bit. So I got busy doing stuff in a A and she and I ended up going out again and I was learning how to date and we ended up moving in together. And, and right after we moved in together, she said she wanted to go to Hawaii with a friend of hers. And I'm really insecure and I have a really low self esteem and I have no tools to communicate that to a partner. Like I don't know how to say that

me. So I get retaliatory and I called my sponsor and I said she wants to go to Hawaii. I'm convinced she wants to go to Hawaii to have sex with the Hawaiian military. All of them.

Because that's how my brain works, right? That's how I that's how I work. And

so I call my sponsor and I said, what do I do? He said, I'm going to tell you exactly what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous. With the situation like that. I said, great, I need some direction. I'm willing to follow your direction. Tell me what to do. He said. Here's what you do.

You go home and you look her in the eye and you say, if you choose to go to Hawaii with your friend, I'm gonna pack your bags and I'm gonna throw your ass out in the street. And I thought, OK, it sounds a little harsh, but I'm a good a, a soldier and I'm gonna do this. And and then I made the biggest mistake I'd ever made. If you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't suggest you try this alone. But I opened the big book to page 69, where it says now about sex.

We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. Counsel with others is often quite helpful,

but we don't want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct, which means, you know, and if I take that information with the information I get at the beginning of chapter 5, at the beginning of Step 3,

which is for any of this work, first of all, we had to quit playing God. So if I quit playing God and I have no opinion on what's right for you,

I'm like, his direction makes no sense.

And then there's that line in chapter 5. We stood at the turning point. We asked his protection and care with complete abandoned and I got on my knees and I said, pop, I need your help, Just help. And and I married her. We've been married 21 years and and I called a guy that I had heard talking Alcoholics Anonymous, a guy named Scott Redman. And I called him up and I said I need help. And he said, honey, I can help you, and he could.

Then I went over to his house and we opened the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to Chapter 5,

and I always get emotional when I talk about him because I miss him.

We opened a Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to chapter 5 and we got it underneath and we held hands and we said the third step. We read the third step prayer with one another. He didn't pray it at me. He didn't ask me to memorize anything. It wasn't a sponsor to a sponsee or a baby to a whatever the freak it is. It was one alcoholic holding hands with another alcoholic, inviting God to come into the solution so that we can find out what's next.

And then he introduced me to the inventory processes as outlined in the big book, Resentment, Fear and sexual misconduct. 3 areas of my life where alcoholism manifests itself the most, where if I treat it like a real piece of business, as it's outlined in the big book, I have an opportunity to get free from the resentment so they can go live a life that was unimaginable to me when I got here. Resentment's the number one offender. It has the power to actually kill, right? So we can't wish this in a way away any more than we could alcohol. It talks about resentments being mastered, but

right, the grouch and the brainstorm dubious luxury of normal men. So let's say I'm resentful of my wife. What's the 'cause she's behaving like herself and it's, it's incredibly inconvenient for me when she does that. So what does it affect in me? And, and this is the truth, right? I use this example often because I write this 10th step often. I'm resentful of my wife because she's behaving like herself. What does it affect in me? It affects myself esteem. I've married beneath me. It affects my pocketbook.

It's costing me a lot of money. It affects my personal relations because I'm willing to gossip or assassinate her character to anyone who will listen. It affects my self esteem, pocketbook my ambition and makes me want to be less of a good husband. And it affects my sexual relations because I start withholding all of this from her. And,

and then, and then it says, but the resentment's mine, right? She's done nothing. All she did was wake up and say good morning, right?

I got alcohol. I got alcoholism. It does, you know, it talks about the wrong doings of others fancy the OR real, which means that you don't have to have really done something to me. I just have to think you did right. And I'm a great mind reader and I can read your mind behind your back like I know what you're thinking. So. So if the wrongdoings of others fancy the real and if you had to really do nothing, then the resentment must be my alcoholism, right? So it tells me we disregard the other person entirely. The resentment's mine.

We resolutely look for our own mistakes. What are my defects of character that if God were to remove, the resentment would be lifted?

I'd like my wife lifted. I need the resentment lifted. So I'm grandiose, I'm punitive, I'm retaliatory, I'm judgmental, I've got low self esteem

and filled with self pity. I've got false pride. And my favorite, I'm 27 years sober. She's only 26 years sober. So I'm much closer to God than she is. And I do and I do a much better than she does. And, and you're laughing, but that's how I think, right? I got, that's the alcoholic thinking and I got two choices. I can either tweet it or I can punish her. I choose to treat my alcoholism right. She doesn't even need to know this is going on.

And I put that down on paper and I read it to another guy and I get on my knees and then the third step prayer and then the 7th step prayer. I love the third step prayer where it says take away my difficulties. And in this case, I go take away my difficulties with grandiosity, punishment, retaliation, people pleasing, a spiritual pride and false pride, but take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. It's not take away my difficulties so I can have a better day. And beautiful part about the seven step prayer is

when I ask you to have all of Maine good and bad, it means that it's the whole package, right? I didn't get sainthood when I get sober. What I got is the opportunity to treat it and and invite this higher power in to help me navigate it. And where it says take all of me good and bad and remove the things in me that stand in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. None of the A is not a self help deal for me.

A is about being free so that I can show a new guy that this thing works.

And then the fear part of the inventory,

fear part of the inventory helped change my life. And I,

the short version of the story is I found someone that I owed a huge financial amends to right before my daughter was born. And I made the financial amends and she cashed a series of checks that were post dated till I was 90, the day we were checking into the hospital to have my daughter. And I was scared to death. And we got into the hospital and labor delivery room and Cindy's in labor. And I'm scared. And what's happening is the fear is taking me out of the experience,

right? I'm way up here while this beautiful thing is happening here. And I went in the hallway at 3:00 in the morning, I wrote, I'm afraid of being a dad. I'm afraid I'm going to be a horrible dad.

I'm afraid I can't afford to be a dad. I'm afraid I'm gonna abuse this unborn child. I'm afraid I'm gonna split before the baby's born because I'm a cut and run kind of guy. I'm afraid I can't do this. I'm afraid that I'm ill equipped to be a dad. And I called Scott at 3:00 in the morning and I read him the fear of Inventory. And I did exactly what it says on page 68 as I got on my knees in the hall of Cedars Sinai and said, dear God, please remove me. Remove my fear of being a horrible dad and direct my attention to what you would have me be.

And I can tell you, 16 years into this deal, I'm a great freaking dad. And I'm a great freaking dad because I don't punish my kid from my alcoholism.

I treat it like a real piece of business and Alcoholics Anonymous so that I can learn how to be a dad of a 16 year old.

Oy, man.

And then the sexual part of the inventory. Where am I? Selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate. Everywhere. Do I unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Only if I open my mouth.

Who did I? Who did I hurt? Probably you. Probably me,

maybe some farm animals, I don't remember

where. Where was I at fault? What are my defects? What are my defects that are at work here? If, if, if the sexual part of my inventory is is again treating with my alcoholism and how I date or how I have any kind of relationship on the planet. Where am I, you know, am I selfish? Am I self-centered? Am I self seeking? Am I grandios, Am I grandiose? Am IA bully? Am I dishonest? Do I lie to you to get something I want? What are all those things that are going on here that if God were to remove I could learn? And then the most beautiful part of the sexual inventory is

the bottom of the page where it said, just the last question is, what should I have done instead? Right. Who's the guy I want to be? Who's the guy I want to grow up to be? Who's my lofty goal? Who's my ideal of, you know, I'm married 21 years. I don't know how to be married 21 years. There's no rule book on guidebook on how to do this. And where I get into trouble, like in anything else, is when I think I'm supposed to know the answer.

So and then the bottom of page 69 where it says in this way we help shape a St. and sound ideal for future sex life.

The right answers will come if we want them. So all of a sudden I now have this design, this blueprint of my alcoholism,

because before the inventory, I went through the motions of prayer and I went through the motions of engaging a higher power, but I had no practical sober living experience with that. But once I have this blueprint, this notebook filled with this information about what runs me and what controls me and who I am and how I behave, I can then start in the 6th and seven step to engage this dialogue with this higher power that I'm at least willing to believe in and and and say, Pop,