Step 10 at the Fellowship of the Spirit in Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Hey family, I'm still Alice. I'm still a drunk.

Hi everybody. So before I get going, what I want to say is that when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and I got sober May 21st, 1987, the old timers that were around then, the people who had the light on for me told me that people who did hospital and institution work never drank again. Is that true? I don't know. But guess what? I never drank again. And so if you're here and you've heard that announcement, I really want to rally you

to think about how you can be a part of the life giving, life saving message of Alcoholics Anonymous inside an institution. So I just want to thank you, Brandon, for that announcement. And I want to say that I believe that my responsibility is to be the handout Alcoholics Anonymous. So all right,

hi everybody, I'm still a drunken Buddhist. Is my last go round with y'all today.

OK, so we're going to talk about Step 10. I really want to appreciate my sister on the journey, Teresa, for a beautiful talk about 6:00 and 7:00 and then about 8-9, right? What it looks like with skin on, how it looks in our personal relationships. I'm going to talk about Step 10 and in my talk about Step 10, I'm going to do what I always do, which is I'm going to go to the book, right? But I want to talk about both the instructions in the book, about the promises in the book,

and about why I do it. So a couple things I want to say in starting,

umm, got to get my timer on because we're going to catch up on time, I promise.

One of the things that I want to say is that I'm not doing any of the steps because I'm a good person, right? I'm not,

I'm absolutely self motivated and step 10 is no different.

Step 10

in my understanding of the step is 45678 and nine on an ongoing basis.

It's not a maintenance step, it's a growth step, and the book is very clear about that.

So what am I growing in? I'm growing in my effectiveness and my understanding. Why am I doing it? Well, I'm doing it because I'm looking for a solution. A solution to what? A solution to the hell that brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous, right? I didn't get to Alcoholics Anonymous. We've already established that on a good day. So I want to go back to page 25 to there's a solution

in that first paragraph on the top of 25 says there's a solution. Now it would have been nice if after that Bill said and the solution is, but he does not. He says there's a solution. Almost none of us like the what? Self searching,

the leveling of our pride, the confession of our shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. Not conclusion. What I have to do to successfully begin this process

is this self searching, this leveling of my pride, this confession of my shortcomings.

One of the things that I think is really beautiful about step 10, right? People who are book people can go to their book page 84. And so from 84 to 85, I'm really in step 10. It starts about the middle of the page and it says, this thought brings us to step ten. Well, which thought, well, I just got the promises. Here's what I want to tell you about the promises, which we call the promises, but they're the 9th step promises,

so they begin on page 83, and it starts with my favorite word. What does it start with

if, if we're painstaking, right, if I'm doing a lazy half job, I'm probably going to get not much. But if I'm painstaking right? And then how does those, how do those promises ends?

How do those promises end? They will always materialize if we work for them. So I have a lot of power that I'm giving here. If I'm painstaking and if I work for them,

it's on me. You know, Teresa beautifully said, you know, if you want what I have, are you, are you willing to do what I've done? Right. And it's this is the beauty. This is the democracy of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is equally available to all of us. It is equally available to all of us. And so now I've gone through the steps, right? I understand that I have a first step problem.

I'm bodily different than my fellows. I'm mentally ill. I'm spiritually sick.

I'm separated from the power. My second step is I think I'm God. I'm relying on the God of reasoning. Of course not your reasoning, my reasoning, right? And it's burning my life to the ground. And then three, I open a deal. OK, God, you know, help me and I'll help other people, but I have to at once do some work and I do this inventory, all three sets of inventory. Resentment, fear in my sex conduct, right. And and the beautiful job that Chris did. This is really

my relationships. How am I treating other people? And the beautiful question there is what should I have done instead? It's never I shouldn't have gotten in that relationship. How should I treat it, this other soul?

And then here I am gotta tell somebody. I've gotta layout not exactly the things I did wrong, but the exact nature of my wrongs right, my wrong thinking and my wrong understanding. And then I see it and I'm like, man, that's objectionable. That's what 6 is. It's objectionable in seven. OK, come on, God, to have all of me. Have all of me

and then I've got to go out. And, you know, I think a aid is a step that is both practical and spiritual.

Practically, I make the list, but spiritually I get ready. I have to be willing. I have. There's that word again. I have to be willing

and then I go out and do the deal and I'm not afraid of people because now I've got God. I'm not afraid to tell you I owe you money or I've done you harm.

I can't hurt you doing it. But I'm not afraid to face you because I've got, I'm proving that I've got God. God is in my life.

All right, yay, woo Hoo. But here's the deal. Let a little time pass and I'm going to go right back to where I was because I'm not cured, right? I am always, always, always working. This is really a non-stop program of action. And what does that look like? Well, first it looks like 10. It looks like 11:00 and 12:00

and and I have a, a colleague that will talk to you about that, but I'm going to talk about 10 and 10 gives me some really, really easy,

easy instruction. But before I get to the easy instruction, let me tell you what what the book tells me about him. 10 is a subtle foe. So here's my first consideration at my step 10 talk, right? When is alcohol snuck up on you? Has alcohol ever snuck up on you that you didn't see it coming in? Right? And it's in the literature pretty clearly, right back to the chapter I love more about alcoholism, right?

Suddenly. Suddenly.

So what would make you waste good whiskey putting it in milk? What would Why would you do that?

But The thing is that I can't trust my own thinking and it's gonna sneak up on me.

It's going to be like, oh, it's a good idea. And let me say, 36 years into the game, it's not just a drink, but certainly a drink. All kinds of ways for me to seek ease and comfort outside myself are going to sneak up on me.

This is recorded so I can't confess the next thing to you, but it's not good. I'm going to just trust me, it's not good. I will have thoughts that are counter to my own values. It will occur to me to do things that I lived on the 28th floor. Life is fabulous. Other than a beautiful space. I love beautiful space. And I'd be walking by the window

and then it would say you should jump.

What? We're just going to get water. What? What's that? But the subtlety of it, right, That my illness is always there. Now, the difference is it's not in the front seat. It's not driving. It's not running my life. I'm not drunk dialing. I'm not, you know what I mean? I'm not waking up without my shoe. I'm not. You know what I mean? Whatever it is, you know what I mean? I'm I'm, I'm more in possession of myself,

but I should never underestimate

my spiritual malady and what it will lead me to do,

how it would lead me to seek ease and comfort in a number of forms. There are people, lots of people that we all know that are in the rooms that never, ever want to. They know they can't drink again and what do they do? They drink

it. The solution is available, but what it takes to get to the solution is not for It's not a child's game. This is grown up,

that this moving out of my delusion, the the leveling of my pride, the confession of my short Nobody want to do it, says almost no one, no one, no one wants to do that. But I do it because I don't like the alternative, the misery, the shame, the guilt,

the inability to respect myself. So look myself in the mirror,

the being in the supermarket, in the produce island, you see somebody and then you got a hot footage of Frozen, right?

Because you're ashamed

or to live free.

And so the first thing that it talks about in 10 is how alcohol is a subtle phone.

There's not ever for me some pre warning. You should get ready. Things are about to get, you're about to go off your rocker. Sometimes I don't feel well and I don't know why I don't feel well. And I don't think I don't feel well because something's wrong with me other than I'm an alcoholic. I think, OK, let's double down on our work. Let's find a newcomer. Let's answer the phone. Let's go to a meeting. Let's accept a service commitment

that I don't think something's wrong with me

when I'm not well because I'm not well

and I'm here to get well. I'm not a bad person getting good. I'm a sick person getting better. And my experience has been that there's an Evan flow to life and some days are good and some days are not, and that's OK.

The other thing it tells me is that I'm not cured and that I shouldn't get caught resting.

I got some Alcoholics Anonymous in my first Home group was this group called a rapid noon in Oakland, CA and admit Monday through Friday. I've always liked a Home group that meets multiple days a week because I'm I'm sick enough that one or two days a week is not going to cut it for me. Like, I need you to see me all the time. And

I didn't know, you know, not so smart. I didn't know that once I came in, I could go back out. I didn't know that because, I mean, this is 1987. We were not clapping for the. Oh, come back again. Yeah. We were not doing that right.

So I just thought people came and they stayed forever. There's a guy in my Home group, Ray, who went back out and it was startling to me. He had 10 years, which when your accountant days or months is like a God. I just have to say this for anybody that's new. I know when I said I had 36 years, you were like, oh, you're a liar. No, really, because I thought the guy was lying when he said he had 10 years. Like it was like inconceivable to me.

So he said. He went out and I kept going to him like, well what happened, what happened, what happened, what happened, what happened?

I don't like what I didn't understand and he told me

a thing that I want to give you as a gift.

He said he was coasting

and that you can only coast one way downhill,

right? That it's a subtle foe. That I can never stop working. I can never rest on my laurels. That I'm not cured.

You know what it tells me? It says you can have. You can continue to have the gift that you've been given

if you continue to maintain your spiritual condition,

not your service commitment, although I think a service commitment is a path to a spiritual condition that's fit, but maintain your spiritual condition. Well, what do I mean by that?

Let's say that I've got 10 service commitments. I show up, I'm reliable, I'm on time, I do a great job, it's good coffee, the chairs are perfectly spaced. It's lovely. There's not even cheap cookies. Like I'm killing it,

but in my home, in my occupation of my affairs, I'm a beast.

I'm cheating on my partner, I'm stealing out the 7th tradition basket. I'm lying. I'm mean, I'm honored. No, my spiritual, spiritual condition is not about the number of service positions I have, although I strongly believe that can lead you. But it's about how am I treating the other souls? How am I conducting myself in the world when you guys are not watching, not how do I act up here with you? How do I act out in the rest of the world

that this maintenance of my spiritual condition is the price that I pay to keep the gift that I've gotten? If you remember earlier, I said that I get this gift, I get pulled back from the gates of hell and I'd like a reward for having the gift. No, no, no, there's not a reward for having the gift. There's actually a requirement that I maintain the gift. By doing what? Maintaining my spiritual condition.

And again, I don't want to,

but the alternative is so horrifying

that I'm willing to do this. I am not willing to take the risk of getting drunk again

because I don't know that I can make it back.

You know, if there's this interesting line on 84 and it says that we carry every day the vision of God's will in all of our activities. So before I talk about the the five parts of 10, I want to talk about that sentence, all of my activities. What is that? When I'm grocery shopping, when I'm pumping gas, when I'm coming to a meeting, when I'm driving,

when I'm doing laundry, when I'm what, what, what? All of it.

All of my activities. OK, So what am I doing on all of my activities? I'm carrying the vision of God's will. What does that mean? Well, I'm doing what I think God would have me do. I'm being how I believe God would have me be. Kind, thoughtful, loving, pleasant.

Consider it.

The thing that I have found about that is how little it costs me to be nice to you.

Now, I'm not talking about when you get on my nerves, that is hefty, but just out in the world right to the gas station attendant or the person at the grocery store or the the food look, it just is so easy to be kind.

I really now have a spiritual practice that is like, hi, beautiful. How are you today? How are you doing? How's it going? Thank you. What's your name? Thank you, Anna. I appreciate that. Just being kind. Just being kind.

We were talking before the meeting the other day and somebody said that, you know, George Foreman named all his kids George, right? And he names the girls Georgette. Like who? No ego there, right?

But one of his sons was interviewed and his son said, My father said, when I go into the room, I might not be the richest, I might not be the smartest, I might not be the best looking,

but I can always be the kindest person in the room.

That's my thing that I'm offering you. Can you have a part of your maintenance of your spiritual condition, the carrying, the vision of God's will and all of your activity that challenge that everywhere I go, I want to be the kindest person. I want to confess that is not my natural default position.

This is not. Some of you have come up. Oh my God, you're so nice.

Right, Because I'm practicing this. I'm not faking it. I'm literally practicing this. I can act my way into good thought, but I cannot think myself into good action. I just can't. As proven by the fact that I lay on the couch and visualize exercise, but just to lay there and think about it long enough,

it's just not work for me.

So I want to go to these these,

I want to go to these parts of the step, right? It starts with this word continue. And that's really what 10 is about. 10 is a continuation of the work that we have learned to do,

and it's told us what the problem is. What is the problem?

What's the problem?

Self. Self in all the forces? The problem itself, right?

And so I'm continuing to do the things that I've learned how to do in four or 5678 and nine. I'm continuing for when for a lifetime

if I I believe that continuous sobriety or permanent sobriety is about permanent surrender. Continuous sobriety is about continuous surrender.

When I get out of the way, when I surrender, when I do what I don't want to do, when I let God lead, when I am kind, when I don't want to be, when I answer when I don't want to. It's my desire. It's nothing to do with it. What have I actually done? So there's this continuation, right? And what am I continuing to do? Well, it says that I'm continuing to take inventory and I'm continuing to make amends.

All right. And in order for me to do that right, because inventory is for and amends is 9, surely I have to do to stuff in between,

which is why it's all of those steps. I'm not going to amend for it until I think it's objectionable.

I'm not going to see that it's objectionable until I do the inventory, like all of it goes together and it's captured in this step that is about maintaining my spiritual condition and growing my spiritual life. I'm maintaining my spiritual condition and I'm growing my spiritual life.

Probably the most startling thing about 10 right for the people who have not gotten there is it begins to talk about how I'm no longer living on the same plane.

Earlier I said, you know, there are two dimensions. There's the human dimension. You've done something to offend me. You are wrong. I am right. Hold on a second. Let me go get my high horse. I'd like to climb up on that and be self-righteous,

right? Because other people make mistakes. Now I don't want to think about page 67 in the sick man prayer, which is actually not for the sick man, is for me. God saved me from being angry, right? But I want to be this scorekeeper, just like you did this. And right, I want to keep score.

And then I'm in the bondage of self.

The other option, which is the option that 10 talks about as I get to live in this new domain, this new spiritual plane of existence, where I get to see the things that you might do to injure me or to slight me or to wrong me, or the things I might do to slight you or injure you or wrong you. And I get to see them as an opportunity to grow spiritually.

I get to use those things. You know, I just, I love the, the

the women that gave me the bag. Why am I disturbable? Because that's really my question at this stage of my development, not why am I disturbed, but why am I disturbable? Because when I'm disturbed, it's an invitation to grow. And that's what it tells me in the 10th step. Can you grow? Are you willing to do the ongoing work of inventory and immense to grow?

And it gives me very specific instruction about how to do that. And it tells me that if I do that, that I have a new way of living.

What? Yeah. I can't live the way that I lived when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and expect to have the life I want.

The girl that got to Alcoholics Anonymous is going to get drunk every time,

See, because she's a victim

and she's thinking about what you did to her, what happened to her.

But Step 10 invites me into this pivot.

It's not what happened to me, it's what happened for me.

You know, when I was a little girl, a lot of really bad things happened.

And you know what? They made me strong and resilient and resourceful, indomitable. They led me to a faith. They led me to alcohol. That led me to surrender, That led me to you, that led me to the steps in the book, that led me to a power that is way beyond my understanding, but that I have easy access to when I'm willing to do the work. Like, how do you? How do you

how do I not feel grateful for the things that happened when I can see they happened for me?

You've been molested, you've been heartbroken, you've been cheated on, you've been fired, you've been robbed. You've been What did those things do for you? It doesn't matter what they did to you. It matters what they did for you. In the difference between to me and for me is the work in Alcoholics Anonymous,

you know, people talk about turn a lemon into lemonade. I mean, OK, you talk about it that way if you want to, but I know that the price that I paid early, the suffering, the, the loneliness, the, the

soul being on fire led me to blessings that are beyond my comprehension. And so if you're here today and you are suffering, if you are in pain, if you don't know how you're going to make it, I want to promise you that there's a way up and there's a way out. Find somebody that loves the book. There are a lot of us. They can take you through the steps. And when you get to step 10, you're going to live in a new and wonderful world, right?

So I want to talk about the,

the primary charge of 10, which is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. And I want to warn you that the book, like the book says, it's not an overnight matter, right? So what does it mean that I grow an understanding, right? So I want to go back to an example that I used earlier. I have a tenant, there's a cyclone, there's a lot of rain, there's water intrusion into the the apartment. I end up placing replacing all the flooring. I hire a contractor. I do a lot of work

and the tenant decides that it's inconvenient for him to have the contractor come and finish the work.

If I'm living in the human domain. He is out of his mind, Sir.

This is not your property, Sir. Right. But if I'm living in the spiritual domain, I understand my charge differently and I have to grow in my understanding of my role in that dynamic.

My role isn't as a landlord.

My role is this agent of God.

My role is to be kind and to be loving and to try to meet the person where they are and to understand their fear.

Because I'm living in the glory. I'm living in the solution. I've already been pulled back from the gates of hell. Who am I to be mad at somebody because they don't have the solution I have? Not everybody has a program. So we want to get mad at people that they don't act like we act. No, no, no, no, no.

I have friends right now in the program, my Alcoholics Anonymous, and I want to be mad at them because they don't do what I do. I can't be mad at you because you're not living a spiritual life. I'm living, and I can't let how you're living

determine how I'm living. And that's a growth in my understanding. I'm not a scorekeeper. I'm not the determiner of what's right and wrong. I'm growing to understand that my charge is not a human charge. My charge is a spiritual charge. And if all I can do spiritually is be kind, that's a victory in my world.

Then I need to grow in my effectiveness. What does that mean? If I'm attempting to be kind, If I'm attempting to have God consciousness,

if I'm attempting to do these things, but the people who I'm aiming that towards don't feel better, don't feel like I've been kind, don't feel like I've been godly, that I'm not effective. And it's on me to figure out how to be more effective, how to find better tools, how to find better words, how to how to approach people differently, how to reposition myself so that I am effective

in carrying the message and making people feel like you are deserving of love.

I have to be effective. It doesn't matter what my desire is, it matters what my effectiveness is. And this step begins to push me towards expanding my understanding and expanding my effectiveness.

In the beginning of the book, it tells me, I think it's page 18. No, I think it's page 19 into 20. And the book says,

you know this is in there's a solution. Before they get to there's a solution,

it says, you know, a real tolerance of other people's shortcomings. Well, I don't want to do that

in their points of view. I don't want to do that. And then, you know, it has the nerve to say a respect for their opinion. What? I absolutely don't want to do that, right? And it says that I have to do that because nobody wants to be helped by somebody that is intolerant and disrespectful. How am I going to be helpful and what is my real purpose?

My real purpose is to fit myself, to be of maximum use. That's my purpose. That's why I got pulled back from the gates of hell.

That's why I'm not drunk jumping in out of the back of cars right now. So,

so that I can be helpful. And so then the book talks about in step 10 that love intolerance is our code. This isn't something I do occasionally. This is my code. Am I perfect? No. But that's the thing I try to live by.

He tells me all of that to warm me up for some stuff I don't want to do. Are you ready for the parts you don't want to do?

Because I'm about to be at the parts you don't want to do.

There's a set of promises right before the instruction. So I want to tell you about the set of promises. You can read them. Let's see if if I can read them

and I love them, right? We cease fighting, sanity returns. Let me see if I can find them. OK, bottom of 84 and we have cease fighting anything

or anyone.

Yeah, the next time you're in collision with somebody and you start fighting,

remember that.

Even alcohol,

for by this time, what do they mean by this time? Well, I did one and I'm not did two, and then I did three, and then I did four, and then I did five and then I did 6 and then I did seven, and then I did 8 and then I did nine. Who by this time, by this time, sanity will have returned. We seldom will be interested in liquor. That's a miracle.

If tempted, we recoil from it

as from a hot flame.

Man, I kept touching that hot stove. This is a miracle.

We react sanely and normally and we find that this happens automatically.

It's just I'm given the gift.

We see that our new attitude towards liquor has been given us with out any thought or effort on our part. It just comes.

That is the miracle of it. We're not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we have been placed in a position of neutrality.

I don't have an opinion about what you drink. What you drink doesn't get me drunk.

I don't have to fight

unsafe and protected.

We

we've not even sworn it off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep

in fit spiritual condition. I just love those promises. All right, let me get to the nuts and bolts of it. So

there are five parts. You ready for the five parts? Five parts of 10/5, parts of 10. Let's do the five parts of 10. So the first part of 10 is that I'm watching. Why? Because I bear watching,

I've been watching all of that time and energy and good skill that you have developed watching other people

turn it on you. You got good watching skills,

put them to you. Watch you. What am I watching for? Watching for the same things that got me in trouble in the 1st place, right? Selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, fear. Right.

And it comes in all because it's already told me. It's subtle in all kinds of ways. I'm slighted by your success,

right? I need to have power over you

that I think I'm being helpful. You know the the 12 and 12 has interesting information about this. Like I think I'm being helpful, but really I'm just talking about you so I could be better than you. Oh, did you hear about Susan? Right it What I have to do is watch me because I

bear watching. I'm worried about what you're going to do.

You can't hurt me. I bear watching. So the first part of 10 is that I watch.

The second part of 10 is term. I think of it as turn. It says ask God, but I think of it as a turn

that I turn to God when when these things come up, not if when these things come up,

I turn to God. Another thing I didn't say, forgive me is that 10 is a step that I workout in the world with you. 11, which you'll hear about, is a step that I work alone, me and God, but 10 is me, out in the world with you.

So while I'm out in the world with you, I'm watching me. How am I feeling? How am I reacting? Huh. Why am I disturbable? Right.

And then I turned to God. God, please remove these things from me.

Please remove these things from me.

And what's the third thing that I do? Well, I have to tell on myself.

The book says discuss, but I have to call someone that I trust and tell on myself

such and such a thing happened. And I thought, yeah, right, I have to tell a trusted someone

how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking or what I did.

What's the fourth thing I do?

Well, I have to make amends.

If I've injured someone, I have to fix it. Why?

Well,

in order to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people around me,

I have to change how I move in the world.

The spiritual experience appendices talks about it as a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery, right? I have to stop being biting in my comments. I have to stop being impatient with people. I have to, I have to amend my ways. And you know,

Teresa talked about it, right? I get sick of nine. So then I started doing 10 because catch it before it gets bad, right?

Yeah. And so the next thing I do, right after I've watched, after I've turned to God, after I've told someone that I trust, hey, I'm I'm off the rail. I amend any harm that I've done.

Now if I just did that and I stopped, I would have

a maintenance program.

I would have said things right to how they were before I did the harm.

But I don't have a maintenance program. I don't want a maintenance program. Can you imagine? I can't even imagine the horror of if I was the same person that got here 36 years ago. What if I had just maintained? Nobody wants that. You don't want that for you, don't want that for you, let alone for me right then. I'm growing. That's what it's promising me, this ongoing, never ending growth moving further and further out into the beautiful warm sunlight of the Spirit.

So what is the fifth thing that I do?

I've resolutely turned my attention to someone I can help.

That doesn't mean that I drop everything that I'm doing and I run off and help somebody, but resolutely, I make a resolution, I make a commitment. I find someone in my mind that I know I can help a newcomer that I can call a a person this asking me to do something

family member that needs something a neighbor that I know you know my neighbor down the halls got like stair steps. Hey I'm going out to the store. Do you need anything? Like what can I do

to help someone else? Why do I do that? Why is there that fifth part of the 10th step? Because this is a spiritual growth practice. I'm not restoring things to how they were with the watch and the turn in the tell and the Amen. I'm actually growing.

I'm reaching beyond my current level of development

and again,

I don't want to,

but it doesn't matter

that if I want to live in the sunlight of the Spirit, if I want to continue

to have insurance so that when certain trials and low spots come, I'm prepared that I continue to have the skill to turn something from to me to for me. The only way that I know how to do that is to continue to grow. So that is my 10 step talk.

Thank you guys so much for allowing me to be a part of this.