Steps 8 and 9 at the Fellowship of the Spirit in Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Lisa

and I'm short again.

All right,

All right. Hi, everyone. My name is Teresa Again. I'm an alcoholic.

Now that I've put myself back together,

I might just fall apart again. OK, here we go. So we got 8:00 and 9:00. So now that I've looked at my defects of character, they're objectionable. I don't like them. I humbly say, God, please remove them. It's a continuous thing. But we're going to go in the order that the steps give me. And so now that I've seen this, I recognize the wreckage. I always think my brother used to say Alcoholics make catastrophic decisions with reckless disregard for other people. That's what my Al anon's in the house

where we do this wreckage in this damage, but didn't see it. But the beauty room. I said I learned to go from shame to guilt, and guilt says I can do something about this, which is I can make restitution, I can make amends, I can clean this up. So I got to put a list together and I get that list for my inventory. What harm was caused to me. It tells me I love this program. You know, I ain't got to figure nothing out.

I think I get into everybody writing things down. I crack up 'cause I'm gonna do you know, it's already written in the book, but it's OK

if you just open up the book. You'll find

there. There's like nothing original around here. I, I talk about my dad and everybody a lot. I remember my, oh, I didn't start this. My sponsor, he was telling my father, my father was very wise. I used to quote him like Confucius. And she was saying to him, you're so wise, Bubba. Oh my God. And my father was like, I wasn't myself. I am nothing, I know nothing. She was like, that's not true, Baba. You're very wise.

He was no, You know that stuff I told you earlier, she said. Yeah,

you know, stuff I told you yesterday. I know I got that from somebody else.

How's my daddy anyway? Nothing original. So it's outlined in the book because it works. What an opportunity to turn around and go, OK, I've caused this harm. I recognize that in my illness. See, I saw everything happening in an illness. Again, I'm not a bad person. This is what it looks like when I'm I'll and when I'm in my disease, this is what it looks like. And now that I'm treating my illness, I get to recognize it and I can do something about it.

So I write a list now it tells me be mindful not to hurt others. In the beginning, I don't know that. So I had to share with my sponsor. I just wrote down, I took it from the 4th column and I added other things, but I started asking who is it that I've caused harm? You know, it's interesting when we first get sober, ego is a trip. We first get sober. The very first thing we want to do is go apologize. Nobody ever did that. Soon as like we come to awareness of the damage. I'm sorry, we don't do that anymore.

We make amends and I make amends is to make restitution, to repair it.

If you get a ticket or arrested or something like that, you go to jail or you pay a fine. And when you do that, you don't have that on your, it's not haunting you anymore. So I'm saying that's what that's the goal here. The goal is not for me to always feeling sorry and pitiful and all this stuff. The goal is to clean it up, to take ownership of it and accountability to it. What an opportunity.

And now I want to repair it. It's like a hole. You have a sock. We want to kind of repair it so I don't have a hole anymore.

So I don't go around saying I'm sorry, but the first thing I have to do is look at what is it? What are the things that I've actually done? And then I have to be willing to do that. The only thing that asked me to do to say no never,

Don't say no never. I stay willing

and then I have to go out and find the people. But before I did that, I talked to my sponsor because I want to make sure I don't harm them. You know, not too long ago, I don't my grandson, see, she called me. She was so upset because some guy came to her and said he wanted to make amends. And he said when we were out there in the street drinking and using together, I gave you a Mickey or something like that, and I raped you with a bunch of other people.

She didn't know that.

She didn't know. You understand what I'm saying? And I told him. And who's your sponsor? I mean, I'm such a Puerto Rican. Who's your sponsor? I know your sponsor didn't tell you to do that. She didn't know. I'm unable to go to people and say things to them that's going to cause them more harm. That's selfish. And self said I'm trying to free my soul by telling you something you don't know. Oh, I slept with your best friend. You didn't know,

but there are people that you didn't know. Then I get to go clean that up.

Then I get to say, what is it that I can do to amend the harm that I've caused you? So simple is reading in the bone. I just go and I ask you my first inventory. And when I finish my inventory and I saw that I went to New York, I got sold in California and I got on a plane and I went all the way to New York 'cause that's where I was born and raised.

95% of my first inventory was to my abusers.

Fascinating. I have most Alcoholics who've caused the most damage in people's lives and don't want to go clean it up.

And you now discovered how much havoc you run through people's lives. And I went on a plane to go in front of the people who harm me. But I'm taking responsibility for whatever I had to do with that situation. Why? Let us be free. Let us be free. I need freedom from the bondage of self. I need freedom from the disease of alcoholism. If anybody's ever had cancer, chemo's not fun. Insulin is not fun. Changing your diet is not fun. Going to the gym is not fun. But if I want preservation of life, and that's what I'm going to do

because that's the goal, I want a relationship with God, that's what I'm going to do. I had somebody bought me a couple and said just do it.

People think I'm hard. I'm hard on me. Not people I work with. I just do it. Most of my sponsors can't catch up to me. Let's go, let's do it. I'm not going back to that life. I'm sorry people,

maybe you have the luxury. I don't.

There's a paragraph right before you do inventory that says we squander the hours. People have the ability to kill

this precious gift that's given to me called sobriety. I cherish it like a glass menagerie. If I got to go back and knock on doors and go in front of people and tell you I've caused you harm and lay out exactly what it is and what can I do to clean it up so that I can walk a free woman, that I'm going to do it.

A lot of people have taken a lot of things away from me. I would share this.

They've taken my virginity away without my permission. People have taken companies and jobs that I've created and started and turn around and said now it's mine, I own. It will tell you what to do.

I've had somebody give me keys to a home. I pay for it, take care of it. The tournaments that I want my house back. Give me the keys. Get out of here. You got 30 days. I've had somebody say we now want your car or they stole my car and they took it. I've had people say I love you, Theresa, you're the best person on earth. And the next day you're a monster. You disgust me. Get out of my face. I've had cancer. Take away my brother, my uncle, my friend Parkinson's, my father, even my my nephew's mother. I raised my nephew's until the day my my brother died and their mother their

showed up.

She showed up and said those are my kids,

You want to talk about being heartbroken, you give me a minute on that one. The boys thought they were coming with me and I'm grateful she came up. That would have been a double whammy of abandonment. No. Oh, that was hard on all of us. So she took the boys away from me.

I got a lot of things taken away from me without my permission. But the one thing you cannot take away from me is my sobriety.

You cannot take that away from me. Nobody. Nobody. No, I'm not having it. You know, I'm saying,

see, I don't know the reasons why you need to do 8:00 and 9:00, and I know why I'm doing it.

That's the preservation of life. That's the preservation of my sobriety

as anything I have that you can't take away. Only I can lose it. Only I can throw it away. Only I can rest on my laurels, get cocky, get comfortable, stop practicing, and let the disease take over one more time

and I probably won't make it back to you guys. I don't think I'm coming back,

so I'm gonna do inventory. I'm gonna look at what I've been wrong. Whatever. I don't, they say leave with the chin. I don't know. I just did it

and I knocked on doors

and I believe that's why I saw God show off and show out.

It says, though the prayer that I said in seven, I saw it happen in nine. That doesn't occur to anybody. If I'm asking this power to take all of me, good and bad, but I'm entirely ready to be rid of selfishness, of seeking dishonesty and fear. I tripped out at 9:00.

How else would I possibly come to you and be honest about what I did to you if it wasn't removed? That's a trip, right?

If I've been dishonest, afraid, selfish, and self-centered, how do I knock on your door and say I did XY and Z to you? That was wrong of me. What can I do to amend the harm that who does that other than God's showing off? That's how I knew God was. It wasn't me. It was the results of the prayer I learned. The answer to one step is in the next step.

So the answer to seven is an 8. The answer to 8 is a nine is a trivia. And then it flows. It's so pretty how they have it laid out

and I knocked on doors and I I see I became a woman and I really walked hand in hand with God. One in particular, there's two I get to. One in particular was I thought he was my boyfriend.

For years I thought he was my boyfriend, but he kidnapped me. He was like kidnapped. I was there for three years. He locked me up in a tower. I called him and he only let me out when I had to go to school or work and he waited for me. So I had to be out of school exactly at 3:00, 3/01. I got a lot of beatings, lashes that night and the same thing will work.

And I stayed there for three years. I was 14

and I escaped that 17, say Mommy was gonna pull me away. She wasn't thinking about me. But I had to go back and make amends to him

because he was haunting me. You know how many years I was, I hadn't seen him. But anybody that looked like him sound like him. He used to, like he would always make this meal he treated. It was very weird. I don't know. I saw a movie with Sandra Bullock and that's how I was. I didn't even know what's happening. He's a treatment like a doll. It was strange, but he used to, like this meal is called ropa vieja. It's shredded beef. And so anytime I saw it, I'd be like, slowly I turn step by step, you know, like, like Martha, I got Lucy.

Propaganda will freak me out.

I'm not even with that man anymore.

The nice that was going to help me be free of that.

I'm not condoning the behavior. I'm not telling him it's OK. I've had molesters and rapists and OK, I'm not telling them it's OK. What I'm saying is I'm gonna take ownership that I've given you permission to rob my Peace of Mind, my serenity, and remain in a state of victim consciousness. And if I don't own this, I'll never be free.

And I walked up to go see him and I bought a friend of mine

and somebody in the program and someone I grew up with. And we walked into where he always is at at this park. And the moment I saw him, I froze. I saw those piercing eyes, how he looked at me. All that was. I was so scared and everything I was worrying was everything he told me I could never wear. And I was smoking a cigarette, couldn't smoke. I was, you know, I had tight clothes. Oh, I freaked out. I was like, And they said we did the serenity prayer. You could do this.

And I went up to him and I told him I did not have a right

to continue to character assassinate him,

blame him. You see, I went home with him.

I knew exactly who he was. When I left with him, his cousin told me the last woman he had, he put her in the hospital and I went home with him.

I didn't have a right to do that to him anymore

and I cannot tell you what he said back to me.

I don't remember what he said.

I remember saying what can I do? And I think he said. I remember him saying nothing. He apologized or something,

and then what? I remember a man like yesterday. I turned around to walk away

and I started walking away and I never looked back and I didn't feel, you know, I mean, him coming behind me. You guys, if you ever been like abused like that was so big. Oh my God, you guys have no, you don't turn your back on your abuser, folks. I would never turn my back on him. Never.

And I turned around and I walked away and I've never looked back.

That's the freedom of nine to me.

There's a new sheriff in town.

I am no longer the CEO of Teresa Incorporated. I got a new employee and a new director and he's bigger than everything and everybody.

And I clean house with that man. I remember he said nothing and I walked away. Never look back. He doesn't haunt me. I don't see him in my memories, you know? I mean, I don't see people that look like him. And I panic. I now see ropa vieja on the menu. I'm like, oh, Rose rabieja. I mean, it's like those things may not be bigger. They ought to me

and the biggest one was mommy

when my brother think about Tony. I did my brother I'm grandma saw with Tony. I'm grateful for the one with my brother and I went and shared some stuff with him,

but I didn't realize that I was still carrying a bunch of stuff unresolved with my brother. And he came to live in California and the same block I was. And that's as a result of the first immense, you know, I made to him at one time. I when I first got sober, I sent him a letter and he sent it back to me in ashes.

That's what he thought about that one.

And then I did the correct amends when I went to New York. And I think it helped to establish, reestablish our relationship again enough that he said I'm going to move to California. He was breaking up with, you know, the Mama that whatever you call the baby's Mama, and he was coming to California. He wanted to live where I was. And if I could help him raise the kids, that was huge. I'm the baby,

but as he was there one day he came to me and he said I'm trying to have a relationship with my sister in today.

Why is it that every time you and I get in a conversation, we always end up in a 60? That's why we grew up a 60 Columbus Ave., why we always end up there.

What do I need to do to amend any harm I've caused you?

What's going on here? Because I couldn't leave him off the hook. You know, I'm saying my brother was it's a physically abused me and I was terrified of him

Tara for any any facial expressions. I always felt like a little girl every time I was around him. Anybody who always knew me, I would ask my brother says so then we can do it. And he said to me, I want to know how to have a relationship with my sister with my sister in today. You see, that's what the steps do. They bring me in today

and I wasn't having a relationship in today.

Every time I interacted with him, it was in yesterday. Or what's gonna happen tomorrow? I said I don't know, as usual. What did I say? Give me a minute. And I looked and I had some unresolved stuff.

And I also had to forgive him

because I continue to blame him for being, you know, I mean, like, I want you to understand that I've changed, but I don't let you do that.

You know, I'm saying,

like, what if he's not the same person? And I wasn't giving him a chance? And I had to apologize for that. I didn't even give him a chance to be somebody different. And I'm so grateful I did that because it changed the relationship him and I had. And we now started seeing one another in today. And how did I know that that was happening? They will be situations that would come up, disagreements, right, conflict. And it would come up and we would address it in today. You ever notice there's a difference in that

there's a nothingness of the past?

Like I remember I was teaching my nephew Spanish. He's in the kitchen. I'm talking to him about in Spanish, about his Spanish class. And my brother's like, stop with all that broken Spanish. You don't teach my son Spanish. And then he's yelling. I just swear

I said, you know, that hurt my feelings. If there's anybody who speaks more Spanish here dominantly is me and I'm trying to help him. In what way am I causing him harm by showing him Spanish?

He said. You know what, you're right, I'm sorry. It's just that the teacher told him don't speak to other people, just learn, you know the curriculum in the class.

Y'all looking at me like that's a easy look. I was in. The moment you follow, I'm saying that was big. That's how I knew it was working

normally. I didn't go to all he thinks I'm stupid. I'm a horrible, you know, saying none of that came up. I'm a horrible person. No. And that hurt my feelings. And what way was I hurt? That was so healthy. I was like, Oh my God, this program works. You know what I mean? I don't know why you'll be like, Oh my God, this works. This program works.

I was addressing things with him and today, and today I knew that I loved him, that I cared about him. I was able to say it. We began to share our stories with one another, what our perception was growing up, and we learned so much more about one another. And then when he got sick, he had many illnesses, in particular cancer. He was angry and he would pound on the table and he'll get frustrated. And I didn't take none of that personally.

Had I not done the work, you know what I'm saying, I would have swore it has something to do with me. I had nothing to do with me

and allow me to be present for that journey with him. And to think I see him telling people. Can you believe is Terry taking care of Maine?

He couldn't believe it was me and I didn't treat him like that. Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Oh, that's a movie. But the man husbands bad and he treats her, you know, the wife treats him bad. And when he got sick, I loved him and I cared for him. It wasn't like now I can get back at you, you know,

as a result of cleaning house and making amends. There was a financial one with him and I remember him coming to me. I said I have too many people talk about finances.

I old him why he sent the letter in ashes. He was surprised. He gave me an American Express card and I, I, I jacked it up so bad he has to claim bankruptcy.

And he was so surprised I had never done that before. And I came to, I said I have 2001 of the amends I have to do. And he said, I'm not taking your money. I don't want your money. But when I need you, I need you to be there. And so every time I started taking care of the boys instead of getting a babysitter, right, because I hadn't been working, I haven't worked since 2005. I'm taking care of my family. So he knew I didn't even have a check to give him from right. So I started taking him and I have to pay for babysitters. If you need anybody to clean the house, I did it. He had to have to pay for caregivers. And so I don't know what.

Added up to but he kept count and every time he asked me I always showed up and he didn't have to pay somebody else to do it. It wasn't until recently after my brother died and I we were blacklisted with American Express. Can never have one again and not too long ago he was so weird. It came up and it said you pre qualified for American Express and I was like no,

no way,

I don't know, I'm gonna see what happens and I put it and it said yes. I called my sponsor right away. I was like, it was for the same amount

that I had,

you know what I mean?

The same exact amount. It was like my brother going, you know what I mean? We're good kid,

you know, I'm saying you're good, you see, we're solid, you're responsible. That's how I seen it. My brother in spirit said we're good. You've paid that off, you've made resolution. I am now responsible. I now have a card that I'm accountable and responsible for and I know how to use it and I learned, you see what I'm saying? That's how I saw it when I got that card. And I respect it and take care of it. And I use it mainly for a, a 'cause I had always wanted it because normally I fly without money and, and people

tickets and all that stuff before they come and I usually can't. Or you guys put like a credit card in the hotel And I'm always embarrassed.

Whatever. Can you please put your card anyway? And then now that's why it was a Delta. It was a Delta American Express. And now I can go, I can put a card down like I did when I came here. I was poorly. I'm like, I want to put for the hotel,

let me use my card. Oh my God. Anyway, so I'm grateful for that. That was with my brother

and the biggest one I got. OK, the biggest one was Mommy. Of course, I say. Of course

it took me 9 years to make amends to my mother.

They said stay willing,

stay willing. I was willing.

That was a tough one for me. Y'all.

Mommy was something me and mommy was something boy.

I've been taking care of my mother my entire life

and mommy got Alzheimer's earlier on. It was a result of a stroke

and Mommy, man, that was hard for me.

Every time I thought I was getting away from her, there was again having it. You know,

that was always my assignment.

I remember telling the doctors, you know, you calling it Alzheimer's. The mommy's been like this my whole life. Now you got another name for it

and what's the difference then than it is now? He told me the differences. If you don't show up, she can't do it for herself as opposed to before. She would have to figure it out

and I remember kept saying I know my relationship with women will never heal if I don't make amends to my mother.

The love that I need to find for myself will never happen if I don't make amends to my mother

for all the women. You are my reflection and you are my mirror. Remember I told you Mommy was always my reflection of all the things I don't like about myself.

And the same thing used to be for my mother.

Mommy made amends to me when she because she was four years sober before I got sober and she took me to some ballet, brought me to California. I don't even know what she said, and neither did I care.

I'm gonna say good for you. I'm happy. Oh, y'all happy. I'm all jacked up, you know. See, you don't Jack me all over. You want to make events. That's how I was with Hermans,

and I knew I wasn't going to heal.

I wasn't gonna find the freedom that I need to find in this program fully and utterly in my relationship with God

if I didn't do this work with Mommy. I was willing

and finally I went to the they call the Mother's Grove. And our tradition is the mother of all mothers.

I'm a priest in my tradition and we do a lot of rites of passage and ceremonies. I'm the mother of the underground is this whole thing. And I go to the mothers and I say I have to do something with my relationship with my mother. I talk to my sponsor and I've come here to go into silence and meditation and prayer and how do I heal this relationship and make amends to my mother? It was hard, guys. It was so hard. I can't explain to you. I was willing, but I don't know if I wanted to give her that

because there were times mommy would look at me with disgust and it wasn't. I began to see it was just because she couldn't see the beauty of me because to admit the beauty of me would mean the beauty in her all. She had a hard time with that.

I needed to heal that relationship.

And the woman told me a story. I got a couple minutes. Yeah. She told me a story and she talked about this woman. It's an Indian fable. It's called the initiation of women. And she said it was the queen of the of the upper world called Inanna. And she basted in the sun and she had jewels and beauty of the sunshine and the flowers and the trees. And then her sister, I call it Esgoralda. She has another Indian name. I can't pronounce it, but she's the queen of the underworld. And as Geralda has now lost her husband and she's grieving and

having labor pains and she's in pain,

any none of the sizeable see her system.

But before she leaves, she tells a maiden, I'm leaving to the underworld. And if I don't come back in three days, send somebody. When Inana gets to the underworld, she goes to the gatekeeper and the gatekeeper goes to Esgeralda, says your sister's here to see you. And she says she must pass through the 9 gates, the seven gates before like anybody else when they come to see me. Finally, Nana shows all shriveled up in her. You know her, you know the gold, everything she had is just torn to pieces. And as Gorilla at this point is having labor pains and grieving

death of her husband, and she looks at Inana, she picks her up and she throws her on a peg to rot. The maiden goes, oh, my goodness, she goes to the kings. And she says Inanna has gone to the underworld. She hasn't come back. They said nobody goes to the underworld. She's gonna went down there. Ain't nobody gonna get her. But a Prince overheard the maintenance that I'll show you how to go into the underworld and get Inana. And he disguised the maiden as a mourner.

The maiden arrives and immediately the gatekeeper takes her to Esgrelda. Of course, now she's really screaming. She's having labour pains for days and grieving the death of her husband

and she looks at the mean and she says what do you want?

And the maiden looks at her and says,

For my dearest mother, I do not know the depths of your pain,

and I've come to cry for you.

And as Gorilla says, nobody's ever cried for me.

What can I do for you is that I'm here for your sister, Inanna. She takes her off the peg, and she says she can go back up on the one condition. She sends someone down in her place. And the rest of the story is the journey that Inanna has when she returns to the upper world for is not the same ever again. It's called initiation of women. And so the elder tells me the story, and I look at her. So at the time, I'm emotional about it now. But at the time, I was not connected, Right. So I was like, that's a cute story. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah, Thank you. I don't know. I

but OK,

and then she looks at me and she says tell me your mother's story.

I said well I know that she had like incest, you know, I mean no, no, no. Tell me your mother's story.

And I got it.

I e-mail mommy and I said I need to see you when I come back. I was only in Montana.

What's interesting is that my mother, I come to find out that Mommy was always prepared for me to do the work around here and to finally arrive at a place of saying I don't need to have you in my life anymore.

And I went to my mother as a mourner, as the maiden, because I realized in that story, I mean, Anna, I always stood before my mother said, what's wrong with you?

Get it together. Are you act like that. You know what I'm saying,

Basky, You know what I mean? I was always at her like,

what's your problem?

Even with the program, I'm like, work a step, talk to your sponsor, what's your issue? You know what I'm saying?

I would go to Mommy's Home group. Like this whole Home group. Where's her sponsor?

I remember one time it was my brother. Mommy kept saying I need a meeting, I need a meeting. I'm like, read a Grapevine, call a newcomer. I don't keep you sober.

My brother was like, can I talk to you? For many,

he was like, you know what, Terry? I don't know what happens to you when you I don't know what you need a meeting or don't need a meeting. But what I will tell you is that every time mommy goes to a meeting, she comes back. Better find her meeting. See what I'm saying? I was always Inanna,

but this time I went to my mother as the maiden.

For my dearest mother, I do not know the depths of your pain, and I have not walked in your shoes,

for I've come to Christ for you.

And my mother started trembling and shaking because no one had ever cried for her before.

And that's how I end up doing a man's tsunami.

And it don't mean that we to be told through the two libs and we walked out of there like BFF's.

What it did was it opened up the door, the opportunity for her to become my greatest teacher. She was my mirror. She was my reflection. I became open to see the lessons that she was teaching me about my mirror, my reflection through her. And I believe I was able to do the same for her. I began to find compassion and sensitivity and patience and love because I don't know her story. I'm no longer the Inanna walking around thinking I know better than Mommy because I cannot imagine that if I had a daughter looking at me right now or some years before

telling me I should be something other than all I am, I probably want to kill her

for all the stuff I've been through. You know what I'm saying? In life.

And I know I heard people around him say, oh, they did the best they can, but what they had, that wasn't sufficient enough for me. But that story changed me. And I'm grateful for that because it allowed me to show up, be present in her life, begin to have patience and understanding and to let her teach me. And what I learned, I'm telling you, it happened every single time that I paid attention to mommy. I began paying attention to her and she would do things and it would disturb me. You know that third column is a disturbance.

What do you say? Disturb. Whatever the thing you have on the thing disturbed on Cocoa. Cocoa. But you disturb go why I'm disturbable. Whatever. You know what I'm saying. OK,

that's her quote. You know, I mean, she has the quote. I have cocoa. Cocoa, boss, whatever. OK,

and so I started paying attention. Why is that, Bob? You know, why do I, Oh, what's happening to me?

And I started paying attention

and I would clean house

and I would look at where my fault

and I will clean house. And do you know that mommy stop bringing it up. It was so interesting

that whenever it was so I'm telling you, I swear I'm not crazy, she would stop doing that. What did she would literally stop do whatever that was that would bring up this it it to me. It would either stop or maybe my perception shape, but I know it wasn't happening anymore

to the point that I would say about a month or two before Mommy died.

It got very interesting and I knew Polly, her end was coming.

There were no more lessons.

There was a nothingness.

Those are nothingness. There was number disturbances. I had nothing but compassion. You know, I'm saying it was a pureness of just love, compassion. I wasn't. It was a trip. I was like, oh, I think our time is coming. I was so contracts are ending

and so I'll continue to do the healing, but I'm grateful that I made amends when I did that allow me to be of service to her and the way I did. And then someone said to me, and it was here in Canada,

he I used to watch mommy and of anybody seen when I was a here, he said, carry mommy around in the iPad to go with me everywhere, right? He's always had to watch her. And I would go everywhere with you guys and I'd just be like, no, no, mommy, put that down. Get away from the refrigerator. No, no, stop, stop, get away.

And I forget, Neil, I think his name, he took me to eat before we went to the airport. And I'm watching Mommy and I'm talking to her and I'm like, oh God, I got to get on a plane and get her settled. And then he said, you know, that's very interesting.

What an interesting way for your mother to make amends to you.

Does she make amends to me? That's a different perspective. I'm not seeing it.

I pray tell. Tell me more,

he he says. You know, you've had a lot of people I've heard abuse you. You've taken care of a lot of your abusers, like your brother, your uncle, your mother, in particular your mother.

Isn't it something that your mother is completely relying on? You feeding her,

changing her, giving? She can't do nothing without you. That's huge, he said.

You don't see that as an amend. You don't need the vulnerability that she's now in your life,

that you determine everything, where she goes, what she does, how she. I thought that was an interesting perspective, he said. To him, that was Mommy making amends. To me.

I decided if she left, if she stayed how she dressed, I should dress up like me just because I lost, I said. She looked like me, she dressed like me, whatever.

I don't know if it's true or not because mommy couldn't talk enough to say it, but that's an interesting perspective.

It helped me to have a little, just a little bit more kindness than God gave me, kindness in my heart to see that here is a person that has now become so vulnerable.

And then I started seeing this compassion where I would feed her and go, oh, what a tangled web we weave.

And I will be changing her, bathing her. And I would be saying to myself,

if I got out of self, God, please remove my selfishness, myself seeking my dishonesty because I don't want to do this, you know, I'm saying. And then when I would ask that, I would turn around and go, what must that be like for her?

What must that be like

for the daughter that she never wanted,

couldn't stand, tried to kill me, gave me alcohol, gave me drugs? What must that be like for her? That is now changing her, bathing her and feeding her.

And I don't do it with bitterness where we Morse as a burden with frustration. I'm just doing it with love. What must that be like for her? That's the beauty of the ninth step.

It heals our relationships. It heals me it it shows me that God's in charge and I'm not. We Alcoholics are undisciplined,

so we let God discipline us in the way we've outlined here. Young lady, Newcomer says. I want you guys have How am I gonna have it? It's available to all of us.

I love your trees. I want what you have. Are you willing to do what I've done? You see, we don't get this to osmosis.

I've been willing to go to any lengths. I do the uncomfortable until it becomes comfortable.

I will find the time to make my list, to get on a plane, to talk to somebody, to knock on the door. Why is it about preservation of life? Preservation of my sobriety if I got to heal my relationship with mom? It took me 9 years, but I did it

like I do with my brother. I'm gonna do it.

You give me several propositions. You tell me things to consider. They tell me you're gonna take the spiritual path or you, not only the alcoholic goes. Let me think about that. The only we do that,

but I said I'm going to take the path and I'm going to do and I've been doing it for 33 years and it's been working. If it ain't broke, why fix it?

But the interesting thing is, I only have today. I only have today. It don't matter what I did yesterday.

It don't even matter what I'm doing tomorrow.

It only matters I'm doing today

right here, right now, today,

as I'll continue to clean house, I'll make amends. If I need to make amends, I'll show away. I need to show up

the one step. Most people don't like the 4th step. I don't like the 9th.

I don't care for it. It's the most free. I see God show off. But you know what we get to do around here? We get to avoid it. You see, I grew up saying that we in the a, a that this is a spiritual program of action. And I don't keep saying sorry all the time because I'm not paying attention. And now we're going to get to hear about step 10 because now I'm awake and aware and awoke and what I get to do is I stop getting, you know what I mean? I had to learn not to always end up making amends, making amends. That's like, come on now.