The Paramount Group in Paramount, CA

Hi, my name is Anna and I'm an alcoholic. Hi.

Wow.

I really wanna tell you

the experience that I had pulling up and coming in.

I really wanna thank you, Fernando, for calling me and asking me to share with you.

I've never been I, I've been around for 11 years. I've been sober for 11 years.

I'll get into all that stuff later. I've been to a lot of meetings. I was involved in GSR early on. I've always had a commitment. I love the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have never been

to a more welcoming meeting than this one. Thank you so much.

Really,

umm, I have an amazing Home group myself. Umm, you're welcome to come to it anytime. It's uh, the Hollywood Riviera meeting that meets in Redondo Beach. It's been around for like 40 something years. It's an hour long meeting. It's a 15 minute speaker on participation. Umm, before then, umm, my sponsor who? Umm, I'll introduce you tonight sitting next to me. Ron Jay has a BBQ at his house every Monday night for the last 25 years. Everybody is welcome.

He feeds anybody that walks through the door. It means before the meeting starts around six, we walk around the corner to the meeting starts at 7:30. If you're ever in town, then Redondo Beach on that side, please come by and join us. I hope that you'll get the same reception that I got here tonight. I, I don't even know. I can't even tell you how many people came up to me and thanked me for being here and shook my hand and when I sat down did the same thing.

You know, that really is Alcoholics Anonymous,

that really is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous showing up. And how can you not feel welcome if you're new to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, If you're one of the eight people that identified, fucking sorry.

Wow, man, what an awesome group to be in, to be a part of that. If you are new and you didn't identify because that was my story, Welcome. Welcome to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I didn't know Tony. I'm sorry for your loss.

Umm, but

that this type of reception and that type of involvement, like that's what you get, right, Somebody of that caliber, somebody that is that dedicated to the program. That's what's get. That's what's said here, right. And if you allow yourself, if I, when I came, I allowed myself to be part of something bigger than myself, right. I loved Mike. Thank you for your your pitch Mike.

I allowed myself to become

part of the group of drunks, right? Part of that higher power, part of that something that happens, the magic that happens in a meeting, at some point it it jumps off, right? And there's something here like we all can feel it.

God, I love that, you know, and, and if you are outside of that,

come in, let it take you, right. I had a big problem with that. And I think that that's not an unfamiliar story for any of us. I had a lot of this going on and

I don't know where we're going tonight. I'm not a, I'm not a circuit speaker. I'm just, you know, a bozo on the bus is my sponsor likes to tell me.

Good, good for me to hear. I need to remember that one of my some of my favorite character,

these facts are arrogance and false pride. So I'm just going to try to keep it real up here with you. I'm not going to tell anybody elses story. I'm going to tell you my story. My story isn't that exciting, but I'm going to share with you my experience, strength, and hope. And

when I came to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was born in Long Beach. Actually, Aura Zava just super funny that I made AU turn in that street to get here was a street that I lived on and had a lot of really gnarly things happen

when I came to the program about clocks on, It's the first time. I mean, I was really little. My mom and dad met NAA umm. My dad was a heroin junkie from East LA who spoke whose second language was English.

Umm my mom. Super white. Super white

Umm like didn't even know how to say Hola.

My mom was was diagnosed schizophrenic and and alcoholic and so my dad had to leave because he was sober five years before I came on the scene and he couldn't stay with her because she couldn't space over. And so it's be conflict for my dad. So my dad left

and left me with her. And so I grew up in this really wicked way,

really, umm, abusive. My mom wasn't so abusive herself. Like when she would drink, she was verbally abusive. But, um,

she had a lot of bad things happen to her in front of me and

we're with always with somebody sicker than her. So in turn, a lot of bad things happen to me. And that's also not unlike a lot of our stories, sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally.

I was told over and over again, I was shown pictures of my dad, who I just loved and who would try to take me away when he could. And, you know, they'd show me pictures of him, my stepdad, and say you're not a spic. You know, we don't know who you are. We don't know who your father is.

And I was a child. And to be told this over and over and over again, you know, you really start to question like, like, who am I where, you know, like, it was very confusing for me. So the mental abuse very real, like that whole brainwashing cult thing, like very real for me,

which kind of lends itself to my story later when I came to the program,

I like to say, and and I've heard this a million times from a lots of different speakers, that those reasons do not make me

Alcoholics, that that abuse that happened to me is not why I'm standing up here in front of you today. The reason that I'm an alcoholic is listed in the big book. I really, really, really, really believe in the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous. I really believe in the big books, Alcoholics Anonymous. I think that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous can be found in the big book. I believe that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a simple set of exercises done over

and over

and over and over and over again, and that that set of exercises is the 12 steps. I believe that that is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous as outlined in the big book. I believe that a sponsor,

she's going to be your guide, right?

Because really, when I got here, I thought I knew something. There's an old timer at the club in Hermosa Beach that I went to when I first got sober. And he talks about being an intellectual

and that is somebody that believes their own bullshit.

For those listening to the speaker, I am pointing at myself listening to the CD.

I hate that one. There's a speaker CD and I'm listening to it and like everybody cracks up and I'm thinking, what are they doing? You know, I'm pointing at myself because I really believe that I, I had it up on you guys. Like I'm, I'm really intellectual. I, I know some shit. Like, I can read the book and interpret it.

I don't really need somebody else to do that for me.

So the whole idea of having a sponsor very difficult for me. I survived my childhood. I, I talked about all that abuse. I really survived my childhood. So I felt like, you know, I've been taking care of myself for a long time. By the time I got here, I don't really need anybody else coming in here thinking that they're going to show me or tell me something about me. No. So I had a lot of this going on. That's what I meant. Like

I'm, I don't need

what you think you're going to give me. I'm going to take care of me. I got this

along with that, and it comes out, I like to call her Shaniqua. I like it. I gotta like name these girls 'cause they be popping up all the time trying to take over, right? You need to get to the back of the bus, lady. We don't need that today, right? I really came to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous thinking that I knew some things about myself and that

I had a lot of layers, a lot of armor going on, a lot of protective covering that I really identified myself as my personality. Like that's just who I am, you know, like that. Let's take it outside.

I got no problems with that, right? All of that stuff.

If you're laughing, you can probably identify with some of that. And I got to tell you, if you're laughing at that stuff, if you stay here long enough, that's not where you're going. Hold on,

hold on, right. All of that stuff is covering up what's really down there in the belly, right? All the fearful stuff. All the stuff I'm scared to tell you. All the vulnerability that I got right here, just sitting here, right, That I've had my whole life. I love Mike saying he drank to become a part of reality. Not my story. Still not very fond of reality.

I don't want any part of it.

I really did drink to escape.

I really did. I am one of those people. I spent a long time fantasizing and making up stories about my life because it was so painful in the moment that I could not live there. Not for one second could I stand to be where I was because it was so painful. So by the time I found drugs and alcohol, I was so happy. It was a spiritual experience. It really took me out of that and I had a lot of good times and I love getting high.

I love getting high the way that Mike did. I love to get there,

right? I'm not interested necessarily in the social aspect. I was a bartender for a long time. So I love to do all that. Like I love to have a good time, but I'm interested in getting there, you know? And it's the faster I can get there, the better. And if I don't remember, awesome, you know what I mean? Like, it's an adventure. What did I do last night? Like, I was never really afraid. I was never afraid of that.

I can tell you some stories, some war stories. It's not exciting. My my drinking career is not very exciting. My drinking and using was a lot of fun, a lot of fun. It wasn't very exciting.

Umm, you know, some of the things that might identify me,

I was, I graduated, barely graduated high school. I was an honor student and I was really busy getting loaded. By the time I left school, I was like, I got no plans to go to college. All my friends were going to college. I was like, no, I'm cool. I'm doing this.

Which was a lot of drinking and a lot of whatever else that anybody had, I was willing to try. My motto was like, I'll try anything once. If I like it, I'll do it again.

So by the time I

graduated, I barely graduated and I moved out promptly because I lived with my dad by that time. My dad was actually able to get custody of me when I was 11. And so I grew up with these spiritual principles because my dad was still sober. So I went to a lot of A and NA meetings growing up.

That's what I was saying. You know, my first time in in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous were I grew up here. So I knew that there was this program. I knew that it worked. I just didn't identify myself as a person that needed it.

When I was 17, I lived in Hermosa Beach and my house was the party house. We had a party every night

and

all right, go down to the bar and hang out really cool places like Benzone and Pier 52. I mean, the darker the better. That's my, you know, if it smells like booze walking in, then there's no windows. That's my kind of place. I love that. And

I would my bathroom, my bedroom was like, let's say my bedroom's here and my bathroom was like where that little hutch is back there and I would be so drunk that I wouldn't be able to get from my bed where I'd be laying down super loaded to the bathroom to throw up because I love to throw up too when I drank. I mean, I just do it doesn't stop me. It's just part of the deal. And I've been needing to get sick, but I couldn't make it to the bathroom. And I, I lived in this room that had a concrete floor. And so I put like a

blanket on the floor to keep it kind of warm when I got up in the morning so it wasn't freezing. And I just roll over and I'd pull aside the blanket and I'd puke on the floor and I'd clean it up in the morning because it was concrete. Like seemed easy enough

and then at some point I got smart and I start putting a pan like a bucket there so I wouldn't have to clean up the floor.

And it was like 6 months into me being sober that I heard that line. Our alcoholic life seems the only normal one. And I was like, wow, I don't really think that's normal.

Like that people drink it sick and like do that. Like, it really never occurred to me that other people did not drink to that extent or do those types of things and think nothing of it.

If that doesn't surprise you, welcome to the program. I'm gonna say you probably earned your seat here.

So I had a lot of like, you know, a lot of good times, a lot of scary situations. You know, I put myself in a scary situation and not think nothing of it because I was looking to get high. You know, if somebody had what I wanted, I don't even know you. I'm getting in that car for sure.

I ended up, I'll tell you one more story. I ended up there's a little bar in the little Redondo Beach area that I that I live in and

I would drink there a lot and my friends were going to this other party because they wanted to do the ask hour thing. And there was other things that you're not allowed to do happening, weren't allowed to do in the bar. Bathrooms, by the way, my favorite place. Love a love the bathroom. Lots of stuff goes down in the bathroom. Lots of stuff. I had a great time in bathrooms all over the South Bay,

but my friends wanted to go to the house actually to do these other things. And so there's a party that was going to happen. I was like, yeah, I'll meet you there. I was in driving my girlfriend's car because she wants to go with the dealer and OK, cool, I'll take your car. I'm walking across the street to her car.

I'm in the driver side. I'm getting ready to go and there's a knock on the on the passenger side window and this huge guy

leans in the inner leans down. He's like, you know, gives me the signal.

I don't know this guy.

OK, So I go up to this guy's house, right? It's like walking distance. I go through this alley, I go up to his house and we like doing a bunch of outside issues.

I'm good because it's all gone. I'm ready to go. I got to get to a party

now, but now I'm loaded and I'm a little worried about driving my friend's car. I would if it was my car, no problem. But I don't want to drive somebody else's car, right?

Because I'm not responsible.

So I said I gotta go. I tell this guy I gotta go and he's like alright, I'll call you a cab. I'm like, OK, cool. So like 20 minutes goes by and the conversations kind of getting a little weird,

like personal,

sexually personal. And I'm like, man, where's that cab?

And he's like, oh, I called it. I'll C you know, I'll, I'll check on it like, OK, cool.

And like another 20 minutes and now I'm like, man, there's a party happening and I'm not at it. And like we are not, we don't have nothing else here. I got to go and all of a sudden this light comes on and I'm like, I look at him and I'm like, did you call a cab?

And like, God's grace, I swear, man, because this cat was huge and he broke down like he could have I, I could have been in a bad way right there. But you know, she needs to lose out. Like, did you call a cab?

Like there's going to be a problem if you didn't call it. Like I'm going to do something. And he was like, I'm really sorry. Like I just, I really wanted to like, you know, I wanted, I didn't, I wanted to talk and I wanted the company and I didn't call. I was like, you need to fucking call, give me the phone, you know, so I call a cat. But like those types of situations, when I left and I went to the party, of course the cab driver was

was way more dangerous, 100 times more dangerous. I asked the cab driver to drop me off like a block in front of where I was going because he was so crazy, like agro. And like I was like, I got to get out of this cab thinking nothing of the guy where I just left right,

really like stupid situations, right. I didn't think twice about because I was, I was looking to get mine.

Umm, so when I came to the programs Alcoholics Anonymous, the first time I was 18 years old, I had moved out and you know, I was living that life and, and I thought I was going to turn out like my mom. And so I got real scared and I went to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and I stayed sober for five years and I was super involved. I, this is another thing about this meeting. I love the involvement. I, I looked around when, when he said, raise your hand if you have a commitment,

huge number of people in this meeting that have a commitment to this group. I mean, and I just got to believe that that lends itself right to this vibe.

Awesome.

I was super involved in the program. I was involved in H and I had a sponsor. I sponsored people. Umm, I read the big book. I'm telling you, I'm an intellectual, so I think I know something at this point about the book and how to stay sober.

And all of a sudden,

you know, six and seven are tricky stuff. Six and seven, all right?

I didn't really stay vigilant about my nature, right? Those instincts gone astray that drive me if I'm not careful

and sometimes even when I am right, they can talk to me in a a language and like make things that aren't OK

OK,

you know, like met Jedi mind trick myself, you know.

Umm, I wasn't vigilant and, and my nature sure, they've come back to me and I started acting out in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I've heard it said that umm,

you know, I got a friend, we were on the way to a meeting one time and this line came out and it's perfect.

If you don't change your behavior and Alcoholics Anonymous,

you will be changing your sobriety date.

I was started doing the same things that I did, getting loaded sober, started acting the same way

and it took me right out and I was real uncomfortable. I didn't get loaded right away. I started acting out in the rooms and then I got real uncomfortable in the rooms and then I couldn't be here. But instead of not being able to be here because my aunt 'cause I'm able to look at my own behavior. You guys became a cult.

You guys were trying to tell me how to run my life. Seriously. Like I get people that come here and think that Alcoholics Anonymous is a cult. I I understand that because of where I was,

I had to make this something that was N not palatable for me anymore. I had to turn this thing that I was being completely given myself to and involved with into the worst thing possible to allow myself to act badly and go and not think twice about it, which is exactly what I did. So I left for 14 years, and when I came back to the program about Hawks Anonymous 11 years ago,

I came on a court card. Welcome if you're here on a gift card,

It was a gift that I didn't know I was about to receive. Seriously. Like I understand today what people mean when they say that sobriety is a gift, right? Because there's a lot of really good people that I know, a lot of really good people that cannot stay sober,

man, I get it. I've done a lot of work since I've been here. But I believe that there's people that have done a lot of work too that cannot stay here for whatever reason. And I'm not up here being judge and jury. It's none of my business. That's between them and their God. I know that today that my Sprite is a gift because I've been through some stuff in, in sobriety. There's no way I should be standing up here speaking to you guys.

Really. It's an honor for me to be here in front of this group, especially because of the cause of the vibe that I feel here. But just period in Alcoholics Anonymous. So when I came back to the program, I would identify, but I would say my name is Anna. And I really don't know because I didn't know and I wasn't willing to say that I was an alcoholic. You're asking me to get my will and my life over to this something that's that's no small charge.

This is my life. I have survived a childhood of hell and I'm just going to give it to you.

I don't even know who you are. In fact, you guys are a bunch of drug addicts and Alcoholics. Like really, I'm feeling pretty valuable at this point and that's not really the care I want to give myself to.

So if you're asking me to identify, I need to know what this is about. So if you're here tonight and you don't know what the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is about, man, this is the group to get in with and to find out what it's about. There was a lot of people that raised their hand for sponsorship here, a lot of guides, a lot of people that are of service.

Find out what this thing is about. Find out about the history of Alcoholics Anonymous and it's impressive. It's impressive,

you know, just the dedication for Tony, like that kind of cohesiveness, that kind of unconditional love,

man, that's deep, right? So I had to get sober

1st. So physically I had to get sober, right? I talked about that in the book. And then it also says that physical sobriety is just the beginning, right? Alcohol is what a symptom of what's really going on? I love the way that Mike touched on that unmanageability part, right? I like to think of that as my will. My life is unmanageable by me because my will,

my will is out for me.

It wants what I want, right? Not what anybody else might want, and certainly not a power greater than myself that probably knows what's best for me. Like I'm very narrow minded and finite with what I want, You know? I'm gonna have what I want. Whether it affects you or somebody I care about, it might not matter if it's that important to me.

When it came to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was really, really angry because I had been here before,

you know, all that ego stuff gets in the way. Man. If I were to stay here, you know, I'd have all this time, blah blah, blah,

You know, umm, I'm really fortunate, you know, umm, the thing that took me out was, uh, you know, probably like the most blasphemous thing you could ever do in Alcoholics Anonymous, right? That old behavior that I was talking about, umm,

you know, I really did my, my sponsor wrong.

And, uh, and I think that, you know, most of you, I had a female sponsor at the time she was married

and, you know, she took me in, you know, she showed me this way of life and I did her wrong

in her house

with her husband.

And, uh, I couldn't come back here.

And when I did come back, it made it really hard to find a sponsor.

You laugh about that, but that's some real shit

because I'm not oblivious to myself when I'm drinking and loaded. I'm oblivious. But when I come into the rooms, I have a bit of consciousness, right? And by the way, if you're here and I said hold on,

elevate your consciousness, that's what's happening, right? You work those 12 steps, I guarantee shit's gonna you're gonna start waking up.

Thank God that we don't come in here and get awake all at once.

Because when you realize the hurt and the pain that you have caused, the people that love you the most, if you were aware of that and felt that the minute you walked, nobody would stay.

That is way too much. That is way too much. Like I'm trying to anesthetize that stuff, right? Thank God that I was surrounded by people that just were kind, right, and loving and invited me in. So I went to this meeting and you know, I would say, I don't know,

an, an old timer came up to me and he said, you know, we can't, we can't tell you if you're alcoholic or not, but if you just keep coming back,

you'll figure it out, just keep coming back. And so I did and I did figure out, and it is in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you want to know where that's right up front, then the doctor's opinion tells you exactly what an alcoholic is, gives you the description of that.

I started looking for a sponsor about 60 days because I was really knowing that I was in trouble. Like I couldn't stay. I was getting really uncomfortable and I was having a really hard time. I was afraid. I was afraid to ask anybody because I felt the shame and the, and the remorse and the guilt. And by the way, that sponsor had killed herself.

Yeah, man, bad. All bad, right? I'm not saying that that's what happened, that that was the reason.

I don't know because I didn't get to make amends to her until after I came back and after she was gone.

But umm,

I was getting really uncomfortable and, and I was going to this meeting, there was about 10 people in this meeting. Somebody said, go over there and ask that guy right there and he'll direct you. And they pointed at this guy right here. And so I went over to him and I said, hey, I'm looking for a sponsor. And he goes, all right, you know, what's your story? And I tell him a little bit about it. I was in nursing school at the time. I had gotten my my second DUI between first and second year of nursing school.

They're not too happy about those things, about giving a license to take care of somebody else's life when you're willing to kill other people drunk driving, right? They don't really, they don't really like that at all. And so I tell him that and he's like, oh, he's like, why don't you come to this Monday night Riviera meeting? There's a lady there. She just became a nurse. She's got a felony.

Maybe you can relate.

By the way, I didn't have a felony at this point,

which is why my story is so much better after I got sober. So I go to this meeting, she's not there. I go the next week, she's not there. By the way, this meeting I lived in the same apartment for, I don't know, like 10 years. This meeting was half a block.

My sponsor now his house half a block around the corner from that meeting. So I go to this meeting. I'm like, I can't believe this meeting is right here.

I go to this meeting, she's not there. I go to this meeting, she's not there. I go to this meeting and I'm like, I'm gonna lose it. And somebody says, why don't you just get down on your knees and ask God to put that person right in front of you?

OK, so Sunday night I get on my knees,

not my habit, for the right reasons.

More on that later.

Where to come?

I go to this meeting Monday night. The next night I go to the meeting and she's there. And so I walk up to her and I say hey, my name is Anna and I'm looking for a sponsor. And she goes,

This is why I suggest that you get on your knees and ask God to put the person right in front of you. Oh my God, that's a sign. I just did that. Somebody told me to do it, and I did it. And here you are, and you're saying the same thing. Will you be my sponsor? And she reluctantly said yes.

Now, this is one thing I didn't know. But again, you know, I believe that the power that's greater than all of us, that unifies us here together tonight and allows me to stay sober one day at a time and wants the same for you if you're sitting in this room tonight.

She really helped me heal my relationship with my mom. She reminded me so much of my mom. And I had a real problem with my mom because of the way that I grew up and that she didn't protect me and she didn't nurture me and I didn't get what I needed, man. I was broken in so many ways before I ever found drugs and alcohol. And so she really helped to heal this part of me. You know,

she was also chronically depressed and, like, didn't take medication for it and, like, wouldn't show up. And, like, I just drove her nuts, man. I'm telling you, I am like trying to be the president of a A. I want to work a program. Let's work some steps. I'm ready to do this. I mean, I was in like, I'm like this until I'm in, like, this is my saying. I'm black and white.

I am either all in or I am not in at all. That is my story to the bone. Like whatever it is, I started taking karate. I couldn't take one or two classes a week. I took it six days a week, twice on two days. Like that is the real deal for me, man. I'm like, we are, we start dating, we're getting married next month or I'm out. You know what I mean? Like there is no Gray area here,

OK, people like I like to get loaded. Did I tell you that? Like

give me shots, don't do the mix thing. No, let's get there. Like I, I cannot tell you how much I see that showing in my life today. It is really difficult, right? This is the Gray area is really difficult for me to behave and to learn about, especially at 47. Like growing up in this program is super difficult, very humbling. Like I don't know how to have effective relationships. I don't know how to have a true partnership with somebody else because it's my way or the I'm either in or I'm out,

you know, I mean, we're either doing this my way or we're not doing it. I God, it's so difficult.

It's really, it's, it's just a lot of process here.

Who umm, so I get the sponsor and you know, about a year and she fires me because she just can't take it, man, because I'm, I'm, I'm like, let's do this. You know, she's like, I'm having a heart. She's having a hard time hanging on, you know, getting out of bed and shit. She's got me. And so

the whole time I'm on my sponsor's doorstep, like talking to him because he's a half a block away and you know how needy newcomers are, I need to talk. And he's always there. He's always there to listen, right? He's always there on the front porch smoking a cigar, chilling, like, come on over, you know, let's talk, Let's read, Let's do whatever. So I call him up and I'm like, hey, man, I think I just got fired. And he he said, all right, well, I'll be your temporary sponsor. OK,

so

a a couple days I'm like, why am I making in my temporary sponsor? I mean, this guy knows everything about me. He knows all my stuff. Like we're just going to I'm just going to fly with this, right? So for the past 10 years, you know, he's been my ride or die. And you know, you talk about meat and potatoes, right?

The guy talked about meat and potatoes.

This man chops wood and carries water

shows up for the program on this coming up on 30 years in April. I can't. It goes into way more meetings than I do. Has this BBQ at his house every. I mean, works with I, I, I, just

like. This is the example that's set for me. This is what I'm locked into.

I'm going to Fast forward. There have been a lot of things that happened. I got married in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I get divorced and Alcoholics and honest

three years ago.

Umm, I'll tell you the good stuff first, right? So my sponsor, I tell them, you know, I graduate promptly. A month before I graduate, I get a phone call from the Torrance PD. Is this Anna? We'd like you to come down and we'd like to ask you a few questions about something

like.

Hmm.

A girl that I was graduating with, I was class president of my nursing class. A girl that I was graduating with was vice president. She's like, you know that they're not asking you, like they're not asking you to come down there because they're trying to be friends with you, right? I had no clue. I was like, what do you mean? And they're like she, she's like, they're going to arrest you.

And I was like, shit,

I went directly to the lawyer's office. I got two lawyers because they wanted to send me to prison for three years.

The formal charge were back to the bathroom. Now the formal charge was oral copulation of a person under the age of 18 and above the age of 15.

In my defense, I thought he was 17.

Turns out he was 16.

You know, I all I can tell you. And The thing is, people are like, oh, were you? You were loaded. No, I was so cold sober,

stone cold sober. These are the decisions and the choices that I make,

right? This is my moral compass. For real. Like I really did not know that there was anything wrong with that. Like I didn't have any mouth in my heart. I wasn't like planning to like marry this guy and like have kids and have him kill my ex or whatever. Those weird things like that was not my deal, man. I was in it for me. I'm in it for me. The really bad thing is that I got AI, got two boys.

One of them is playing football with this guy

in high school,

right?

All of a sudden, after that one event, I realized like, man, this isn't a good idea.

I'm in nursing school and I love my sons. My, my boys are everything to me. They're my only family and I, I'm attached to these boys. And so I'm like, this isn't a good idea, man. And so I'm, I tell the kid I'm like, hey, man, if you were older, I would definitely date you, but you're not. So like, you know, fun. Thanks and you know, we're cool. And like a year later, he gets a girlfriend and she, he's weird. And I don't know if he told her what, but like somehow the teachers get involved and they need to report it to the police and the police and the police wiretap a phone call from

him to me. And he's freaking out. Like a year later, I'm like, what is going on? And then I get the phone call. We'd like you to come down and answer a few questions. So Fast forward and this is the thing. I'm right at my 9th step. I am beginning my men's process

at the very beginning. They let me graduate nursing school and I promptly go to jail for the next four months. Thank God I didn't have to go to prison or have to register under Megan's Law. I went to jail for four months. I will tell you that this man showed up at Linwood Jill every weekend and waited 3 hours to see me for 20 minutes and always had a member of them at my Home group with me. That I got a letter every week in jail from somebody, from a member of my Home group

that is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because I up until that point, I had dedicated myself to this program. I was heavily involved.

I told you when I'm in, I'm in, and I believed it. I was sold on the idea that Alcoholics Anonymous could work for me.

I gave myself to this thing fully.

They showed up for me

for the next eight years after I got out of jail. The Licensing Board of California would not allow me to take the nursing board for the state of California to become a registered nurse, which I had graduated with.

And every year my sponsor would say, oh, you're gonna fill out that application. I was like, you know what, I'm good. I'm married. I got this other criminal massage therapist. I'm like, I'm happy sober. I, you know, life is good. He's like, your story is not done. We're gonna suit up and show up because that's what we do in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous every year for eight years. And I was like,

we even went downtown. I had to like defend myself in front of a judge and the DA and I was just the scene man. And still they denied me. And then one day I got this letter. We've rescinded our decision and we've decided to let you sit for the Nursing Board of the California State

and the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Man, people were like, you're going to be a great nurse. You're going to be a great nurse. I was like, what the fuck? These people don't even know me. How do they know I'm going to be a great nurse? They have no idea. But you believed in me. You encouraged me. You helped me believe in myself. That saying, let us love you until you can love yourself.

I didn't really believe.

That I could pass the test.

I didn't believe that I could get a job as a nurse. You guys believed it for me way before I ever believed it for myself.

I sat for the boards

and I passed.

A month later, I'm sitting in a meeting with Alcox Anonymous the night I got the news. It comes in a letter form, and I had been waiting

and I was going to a speaker meeting that night because that's my habit, right? I got these certain names I go to. It's my program, right? It's a simple set of exercises I do over and over and over again.

I go to this meeting and I'm so pumped man, that I missed the 10 minute speaker. It's an hour and a half, same format.

I missed the 10 minute speaker 'cause I'm telling people, I'm calling people. Everybody's so psyched for me. I go in, I sit down. This guy's message was so powerful. His name is Vijay, wrote a book from the maze of a life to an amazing life. He's an incredible speaker.

I'm listening and 5 minutes I'm sucked into his story. I'm just like blown away. You know? This guy had gone to prison when he was 19. He got 20 years. He just, I mean, he didn't get sober until like he did 16 years, 10 months and three days. He didn't get sober until he was ten months from being released. You know, just this hectic story, right?