The Paramount Group in Paramount, CA

My name is John Graf and I'm an alcoholic

and I'd like to thank Fernando for inviting me down here to participate in my sobriety.

I love coming to this meeting. If you're new here, you're, you know, this is which some of you, you know, took welcome chips and all of that. You're in a good, good group.

We were just reminiscing. The last time I was here with my sponsor, guys had a little armed robbery action going on here. And the Ghetto Bird was out in in the sheriff, sheriff department came in that back door where Michael's AT and said nobody moved. And everybody just assumed the old position, you know,

And then a bunch of guys said it was him, was me, you know. So, you know, and

I,

I, I do it because of the fact that, you know, me and my friend Rich were talking tonight. If you're new here tonight, you know, you might think, Oh, well, you know, they got this thing wired around here, you know, and

nobody's immune to it, man. Nobody's immune to it.

My friend Joe was a lot nicer guy than than I'll ever be.

And Joe is keeping some secrets. Me and Joe shared, you know, he he'd come out and we had the same sponsor. We shared the same sponsor. Joe for 20 years would come out here and stay with me, sleep on my couch, sleep in an extra room, whatever I had at the time and and stone cold sober, Joe was keeping some secrets around here. And so when people are telling you, you know, that secrets will kill.

Joe was keeping some secrets and, uh, he couldn't take his secrets anymore and he drove out in the field and he hung himself

and he had over 20 years of sobriety at that time. And, and I can remember that that impacted my life that day. This is a guy that I considered, you know, a a, you know, a true friend.

And I didn't know about his secrets, you know, and,

and then, uh, you know, my nephew, I guess it's been 2 years now that Tim,

he, uh, he couldn't go to where his uncle Johnny and, and his dad went and, uh, he screwed up. And his mom is, you know, black belt Al Anon. And she's like, you know, you're going into treatment. That's it. I'm, I've had enough of your crap. And this was on a Friday night and Sunday he they got the call that he went out in the driveway and put a gun in his mouth and blew his head off.

So I don't,

you know, whether I'm J and and if you're new here tonight, I'm no authority. And after you get done, you'd say, you know, well, I wouldn't pay him for that talk anyway. But I'm no authority. This is just my experience. And that's the thing that's helped me stay here is my experience. Because when people tell me their opinions of what I should be doing or how I should be doing it,

I'm. I'm closed down, turned off. I'm. I'm gone. Yeah, I've heard.

I've heard sermons, opinions. Yeah, court sentences. You know, like my homeboy there, Clinton

used to run with a Clinton and a Clayton. They were put, They were twins, both of them, just rotten little bastards and must be in the name and

I,

but I don't want to forget that drunk or sober, it's not the fact that oh, I had alcohol, wasn't I have alcoholism. I have alcoholism

and it's a live. Whether I'm drinking or whether I'm sober as I am, is a few bad actions and I'm up and out of here. I really AM. And the bad thing about a guy like me is I can only be good for so long. I really can't. I am. That's why I love this meeting. I was here with my friend Frank Jones, God rest his soul. And Frank did 10 minutes. There's a fight back here. It just warmed both me and my friends and Frank's hearts.

We just like, oh, man, it felt so good to be at Paramount, right? You know, it's like, yeah, because we've done the same shit at Ohio St., you know? And

so

welcome to a A you know,

I but it was funny. I was talking to my friend Rich. I wanna say that you know that I'm not immune to it.

Oh boy,

I was thirsty.

I umm,

I'm not immune to it because last Friday, not last Friday, 2 weeks ago, I just, I couldn't get it right. Nobody could do it right, nothing. And I'm run, I'm on a good run right now. I've got some things happening, very successful in my business. I got a daughter that I lost dur due to my drinking that I just walked out on. I abandoned back in my life. I spent first Christmas with her that I've, I spent with her in 36 years,

uh, met my granddaughter, met my son-in-law, you know, I got a little 8 year old boy that's, you know, I mean, he's, uh, he's a chucklehead, but he's mine, you know, and, uh, and I got a, a good woman that's got a bad disposition and a rotten attitude a lot of times, but she's stupid enough to love me. And then I got, you know, my other daughter that's a naval pilot. So I'm on a good run,

but two weeks ago Friday, I just couldn't shake it. Nobody was doing it right.

It didn't fit. I, I, it just was, I was going against the grain. And I've been here for a minute. I've been here for a minute. So I thought, well, I'll get out of myself. I have this, this kid that I'm sponsoring and he's dying of ALS, which is another nasty, you know, illness. And it's like my job is to remind him that the worst thing that's going on for him is his alcoholism, you know, as he's just losing all of his

functions and everything else and trying to, you know, keep his spirit up. And we went to this meeting. He goes to this other meeting on Friday night. So I figured, well, I'll go over there and surprise him, you know, and I went over there and it was just,

I saw, I saw more kits and ass at, at at that meeting than I did at some strip clubs that I used to frequent. I was like, what are you thinking? I mean, really, where, where did you just come off the pole or what? I mean, it was like, don't you know where you're at? I mean, it's like, it's a Super Bowl of sick. Like this is not something you wanna be like, oh, he's my, you know, like I'm trolling for a husband up in here. You know,

this is like

go to the Salvation Army or something. Uh, you know,

Oh no.

But umm And then I heard this guy speak and it was just like what?

What was that? It was like a crack monster. You know, I was like there was no one and it was dropping the F bomb. And then I was like, Oh my God, I just, I felt like cutting my wrist. So I really did. I was just, I was more pissed leaving that meeting

that when I went in and I was like, this is hideous. And I'm loading this guy up, you know,

ask Rich. I mean, he's losing his hands, you know, he's losing his feet. He can't walk. And he was like, thank you so much for coming, you know, And I felt like this small, like I just couldn't shake it. And I was like, Oh my God, you know, and I'm leaving and it's over in Hollywood, this meeting. And I just was like, what the heck

is wrong with me? And I pull up to the stoplight. I look over. It's a red light. I look over

my hand to God. You're going to see this in Hollywood.

The Joker.

Not a Joker.

The Joker. Thank you.

The same audience participation, by the way,

came walking out of Starbucks.

No, I'm not talking like, you know, this dude was made-up and had a cane, dressed to the nines had and come up like,

and I was like, Oh my God, thank you, sweet baby Jesus. I was like, that's what it took. But I know people, my friend Joe that would drive in a field and hang themselves or my nephew that would shoot himself or somebody else just even more pathetic than that. Just pick up a drink because of that day.

And that's the thing here. You can't, I cannot tell you the difference of my life from 7:00 in the morning or whenever I wake up

to 10:00 at night

of Justice. Putting my head down and was like, OK, I'm going to go to the next thing. OK, I'm going to go. You know, even as bad as it is, as dark as it is, it ain't that bad.

It ain't that bad. But the problem here is, is I can't remember that there's a part in that book where it says self knowledge avails us nothing. And that is the it's, it's a kiss of death for me because when I think I know something, I'm deadly. I am deadly.

I I

I came to you all. I didn't know what was going on. I shot out my life

like I said I was I was AI was a little Catholic kid. I was a rotten Catholic kid. I,

I had perfect examples of why not to drink, why not to do this stuff. And,

and I never, I could, I just, you know, once I took a drink of alcohol, it was on and it wasn't a big deal in our family.

And,

and I remember,

umm, just just not fitting in.

Just not, you know, not fitting in, in my own family, not in the world, just everybody was older than me.

The, the only one that was closest to me was this brother that hated me. I mean, he literally, I mean, he shot me, he hung me, he stabbed me. So I'm not making this up. I mean, he hated me And, and that's my brother. You know, I'm like, I don't even wanna go outside, you know, 'cause it's like I don't have to leave the house,

you know? And

anyway,

I drank

and

umm, I've heard, I've heard it a bunch. Is it like it didn't matter what was going on in my life, I just didn't care. I didn't care

it, it, it turned off that switch and,

and that was it. It wasn't that I got 10 foot tall and I got bulletproof or any of that. I just, I didn't care. And, uh, what happened for me is, uh,

uh, I, I shot through school, you know, I, I, this is the way I got out of high school. I had gotten expelled the previous year. My mom cut a deal for me to go back and came, I was under lock and key my senior year and

I came to the end of that year and I was a quarter credit shy from graduating. And they notified my mom and they said he's not going to graduate. And my mom, you know, left the principal's office in tears. And then

my sister went in to plead my case and and they said, you know what he, you know, as she was leaving the principal's office, she said, you know what, He's going to have to come back a whole another year for that quarter credit. And the principal, my hand of God was like, you know what? I found that quarter credit and that's how I got and that's how I got out of school.

I, I love stealing. I'm, I, I make no bones about it. I, I loved stealing. I, I, I love stealing your stuff.

Umm, I love stealing your cars, really uh, and I love seeing your faces as I drive by in your car. Umm.

And uh,

so we were stealing cars at this time. We're about 1718 and my buddy got busted and I know the routine, you know, there's no on there was, at least there was not with the bunch I was running with. There was no honor among thieves. And I knew, you know, I was gonna go down and everybody started going down. So I'm not an idiot. And

what happened was I grabbed a girlfriend and another friend and we fled to the state of Texas.

And the only thing that, uh, I knew at the state of Texas at that time was a drinking age was 18 and I was Texas bound. And uh, we landed in Corpus Christi, TX. The girlfriend got pregnant with that daughter that I just talked about earlier and, uh, and that friend in me got in a fight and he moved out

and, umm, I'm in the cantina buying drinks on the House, 'cause I have a cantina that's giving me a running cabinet across the streets, a liquor store, it's giving me a running cabinet down the street. I had muscled up this, hustled up this, you know, tell them I'll be home later and

this, this pipe yard that I'd hustled up a job in. And what happened was

I'm running on something that I didn't know that I was running on at the time, but I was. I'm running on these things.

I'm running on two things here. I'm running on this false pride

and I'm running on this self-centered fear. And the self-centered fear is I can't sit there and tell you, it's not like I'm going to sit there in a corner and sucking my thumb. I'm doing like crazy outlandish crap to show you that I'm down. You know, Clinton talked about it and and that's what that was.

And

because secretly I'm I, you know, I'm afraid on the inside, but I can't let anybody know that I'm afraid on the inside. But the other thing that's going on for me is I got this pride and this false pride, meaning that I may not know something, but I'll be damned if you ever figure that out, you know, and I'm not going to tell you that I don't know something. So what happened was

I'm all excited about having this baby in my life,

but I can't tell anybody that I'm scared to death because I don't know how to take care of a kid or what I'm going to do with this kid or, or how I'm going to pay for this kid or any of that. And because you're going to think I'm weak or I'm not a man or what, Whatever it is, it ain't going to be anything positive. So that's how I'm living. And this old man was running the pool table that night. And I ended up running,

rolling this old man out of his, out of I don't know what he had, his pension check, his Social Security, I don't know what he had. But I rolled this old man out of his money.

I sent the girlfriend home to her mother and I joined the service that night. And as a result of my service career, which lasted 11 months and three days,

I, I can never step foot on military installation or rest of my adult life. And you know, I don't know about you, but in my drinking career, it was one of those things because I saw buddies from the neighborhood and guys from the neighborhood get in trouble back in the day.

And it wasn't like you're going to treatment. It was like you're going to prison

or you're going to the military. So, you know, back then it was like, OK, I'm going to the military. And I was one of these guys where I thought it was going to work for me. It was because I'd see guys come back to the neighborhood, maybe all press can crease and have some money in their pocket. And they'd have, you know, they'd have a routine. So I thought that's what was going to happen to me, and that's not what happened to me. And

what happened was that little girl was born to me. And I used to tell this part of my story where that little girl could be sitting in this room tonight and I wouldn't know because that's the price that I paid for alcohol. You know, it's I threw that into the ring and I was so excited. I can't tell you how excited I was. And

the weird thing is about that is I just chucked it aside. I just chucked it aside like so many things in my life. That was just like, OK, well, on to the next thing. And I hooked up with another lady that had two boys already born to her. And I ran this family through hell and

we did this dance of death for eight more years. And what happened at the end of my drinking was they were two boys and they

they started to drink and use. So I'm a scumbag at best. You know, at the end of my drinking, I'm sending them to school to sell dope for me. I'm ripping them off. They're ripping me off. We're one big happy family. And we've moved from the city to the country to deeper in the country to back into the city and,

and it's a mess. It's a mess. And I'm about 110 lbs. I'm yellowish green. I got open sores all over my body and uh.

And I, I, I had no inkling of like coming to a a or any of that. And me and the me and the little woman got into it one more night and I ended up throwing some things in a little black bag and I ended up walking out and

do what all guys of my caliber do. About two in the morning I called mom collect just to check in, see what she's up to and

poor woman and she had four kids and all of them just are rotten, rotten, rotten. She had double knee replacements for praying, praying for us, you know, And

so she sent this, She sent this

plane ticket. I told her I just left Judy and the boys and, and I wanted to come home. And what happened was I had heard through the Grapevine that that brother that hated me

had gotten sober in something called A&A. And and my mom for the first time in her life was like, you know what, Johnny? Now here's what kind of scumbag's helping you put your life together tonight that you're listening to, that you're like putting your

putting your, you know, like, OK, I'm putting my money on this guy tonight, you know, for a little gym to stay sober to midnight. You know, my mom had lost a kid before me and was like severely depressed. And back then they told her, you know, get pregnant again. So her and my dad were like in and out. It was a catastrophe, right? But eventually

here comes me, right? And so my mom was so sleep deprived

that when I was a baby, she had me on the changing table and she turned around for a minute and I kicked off of the table and I fell on the ground and cracked my head and split, split my head open and fractured my skull, almost died. They run me to the hospital. They saved me, obviously. And

but I found that out

and I use that against my mom for years. Like, I probably would have been something if you wouldn't have dropped me, you know, I probably wouldn't have all these mental conditions if you, you know, like they've been taking me to see somebody ever since I was in like third grade, you know, and observing me. And like, you know,

that's the kind of scumbag is, you know, putting your life together tonight. And

thanks a lot, Fernando. And uh,

I, so I, my mom, for the first time in her life, I could always work her. I could always shoot the angle with her. I'm an angle shooter. I must, I'm a, I'm a loophole Finder. And you know, for the first time in her life, my mom said, you know what, Johnny? She says, I'll send you this ticket. She says, but I'm not gonna come and bail you out of jail. I'm not gonna put money on the books for you. I'm not gonna pay for your lawyers.

I'm not gonna allow you to wreck my car. I'm not gonna allow you to ruin my life anymore, Johnny.

And I thought, well, that's kind of harsh, but you know, I'm like, whatever, I got my ticket, you know, and, and I had asked her to bring my brother and that maybe I would go into treatment. Now, my brother was, he was about five years sober at the time, and he was in his evangelical stages sobriety. And so he was proceeding to tell me

where I was going to go and what I was going to do and

what I was going to do once I got there and how much fun I was going to have when I got there. And so he took a breath and we're going down I-70. And so I proceeded to tell my brother where he could go and where he could put it and how much fun he was going to have once he put it there. And

now my little fat blue haired mother sitting in the back with the rosary beads smoking because

now Captain Serenity and I are pulling over on I-70 and we're gonna go to 5th City and I'm in town. Hand to God I'm in town. 5 minutes, you know, and

and my mom from the back seat. I'll never forget this, she said. Johnny, why don't you go talk to these people? And if you ain't got a problem, you ain't gotta do nothing about it. Now, I already told you I'm a shortcut Finder, a loophole Finder. You know I'm.

If it takes you two weeks to do something, two years to do something, you're stupid. This won't take me a weekend, you know. Oh, you got a college degree? Give me a minute. You know, I got a mimeograph, You know, I got a copy machine, whatever. You know it doesn't. I'll have a degree. I'll have a degree by the time this meeting's over, you know? I what? Where did you go to school? You know it doesn't. And I don't. I don't. I don't get that. It's like, it's like, that's why I love stealing. It's like

I love stealing, as my friend again, Frank Jones used to say, I keep my money and I get what I'm after. I'm a double winner, you know? It's like I get that connection and

but the only problem is is I had to get sober to figure out. My mom told me for years. She said, Johnny, you're the only one you're screwing. You're the only one you're getting over on. You're the only one that you're doing this to yourself

because you're gonna go up, you're gonna grow up, and you ain't gonna have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. And I'm like, you know, when you're 26 years old and you're shot out and you're yellowish green, you got open stores all over your body and you ain't got no friendly direction to go. It's like, maybe maybe she was right, you know? I mean, it's like, 'cause I wasn't an alcoholic when I got here,

I wasn't

now. I don't know how much more convincing I would need, but it was the descriptions and the, you know, you're all's experiences that set the hook for me. Because there is no definition. There's there's a room full of different people tonight. Nobody's story is the same, but it's this person's story and that person's story. And it's the thing to where once I hear it,

that heart of hearts of me, I can't shake it,

I can't deny it, I can't lie about it. I'm screwed. I belong, you know? It's like I fit finally.

I'm not so unique. I'm not so dirty. I'm not. Whatever it is, whatever label, facade, whatever it is, I'm not that guy. I'm not. And I had a ton of excuses. Me and my wife. I always tell this part me and my wife will get in a fight. My wife will look at me. People are thinking I'm trying to be funny. I'm not. I am really not,

she'll say to me, she'll say. If we would just say you're sorry, we wouldn't be arguing.

If I would say I was so I'd have to think I was wrong to say I was sorry. I never think I'm wrong. Never. I don't care if you got pictures and I I'm not wrong. It's not you're the, it's whatever it is, it isn't me. There's something broken in me

that I'm not wrong.

I ended up,

I got sober in this place and uh,

I got introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous

and this guy talked one day and that stupid thing called group and I identified

and uh, it was one of those things where I couldn't, like I just said, I couldn't shake it. I couldn't deny it. And uh, what happened is I left that place and I wasn't happy. I didn't have a good attitude. I had rotten attitude.

I went back. I was 27 years old when I'd gotten here and stayed sober in that halfway house that I, they sent me to and

I went back home. I was living with mom, you know,

that'll make you feel like a champ. And, you know, I'm 27 years old and I'm shot out and I'm starting over. And the only guy that in that town, because I'm from a little one dog town in the Midwest, the only guy that would give me a job was like my dad. And

he and he made no bones about it because I had burned between me and my brother. We had burned our family's name in that town and he made no bones about it. He said you screw up. Or if I have one tool missing

out of this place, your ass is gone. And, uh, and he gave me this job off of that, that, that alone. And, uh, and he worked me like a rented mule and, uh, and I did that job and, uh, I ended up like going to these meetings. I had her, you know, mean hearted sponsor. He didn't really care how I felt or what I thought about anything. And,

and I got a little, you know, I started putting my life back together

sober. He got mad at AA and he up and quit AA and I was kind of twisting in the wind. I had all these things back in my life that I thought were going to make me happy. None of them were making me happy. I have the little girl born to be at that time and she's she was like couple years old at that time and

and I'm crazy, as my sponsor puts it, I was star craving sober and uh, I was as in much pain at three years sober

like I described last two Fridays ago. I was is in much pain then

without an answer and I thought eating a bullet at that time, because I'd been through the steps, I'd had this sponsor. I was involved in a A and, but it was that image and all of that crap that I was still hanging on to, all those little chicken shit secrets and all that crap that I because I didn't know about the whole

transformation. I didn't know, I didn't get that part.

And, uh, what happened was I had become friends with a lady named Karen Garrison and uh, I called Karen up and I said I need Clancy's number.

And uh, I called him up and uh, I started taking direction from this man 2000 miles away. I had to ride him, ride him once a week. I had to call him. I could call him anytime, but I had a certain day to call him. And, uh, and the magic that started happened for me. And that whole deal was that I learned to tell on myself.

And that's a whole another deal, man,

because I don't tell on myself. And I had to start becoming accountable to somebody else about everything. And there was something, some little lady said it to me the other night in a meeting when that was, there's magic in that writing. And there was some transformation that was going on in that writing to where I could put that stuff down on paper. And it was so pressing and such a problem on Sunday night when I wrote that letter,

but by Wednesday, when I would call him, I'd forget the hell what was in that letter. And, uh,

So what happened was

me and my then wife came out here to, to, to go to his 35th year birthday party. And I was five years sober. I was sitting at Ohio St. on a Tuesday night and I had the thought and a feeling. I was smoking then and, and they have this painting at the back of the podium. I was looking at this painting and I had the thought and the feeling come over me that anything was possible here.

And I was five years sober.

I was five years sober and I was active in Alcoholics Anonymous, as you know, as best as I could with the direction that I had and what I was committing myself to. I was active in Alcoholics Anonymous. I,

I ended up, I, uh, told my wife at the time I said I'm going back because where I got sober, it wasn't a big thing about sponsorship. It wasn't a big thing about unity. It wasn't a big thing. There's a lot of, you know, a lot of stuff, uh, that isn't the same as in Southern California. And, uh, so we sold, uh, everything we owned and we loaded up to 4 by 8 trailers and we drove out here to be part of Pacific Group.

And, uh,

and I would love to sit here and tell you that every meal I've eaten with a banquet and that I have little birds land on my shoulder in the morning and whisper scripture in my ear and, you know, and that I walk on the Sunnyside of the street every day. But, you know, I already told you I had to see the Joker the other night coming out of Starbucks for Christ's sake. You know, that was my spiritual breakthrough and

I,

I haven't. And I'm probably, I'm probably the best example of that. You could do everything wrong in Alcoholics Anonymous, but two things. And that is, to me, actually, it's three things.

The three things that I don't do

is I don't keep a secret from my sponsor.

Point blank. I, I, I hope he doesn't like me, you know, It's like, I just hope he doesn't, you know, because I'm telling him. I'm telling him what's going on.

The other thing is I don't run away.

I don't run away. I screw up. I make a lot of mistakes, but I ain't running the line.

The third thing that I don't do is I don't drink.

I don't drink.

I do whatever it takes not to do that.

I, umm,

that little girl that moved across country with us is now, uh, is now a naval pilot, you know, and that's, uh, it seems like a, a short stint from, you know, driving across country, you know, 5 minutes, you know, of whatever that is. But it was a long road and she's getting ready to deploy and

go fly the northern Iraqi border. And I'm proud as punch, but I'm scared to death,

you know, scared to death. And,

you know, it's, you know, I got, I know somebody will come up tonight. Oh, it's, it's fine, you know?

Yeah, alright. Yeah. When you get cancer, it's gonna be fine too, you know, It was probably just a little bump, you know?

You know, that's the thing. I don't, I don't speak out of turn, you know what I mean? It's not like I'm giving. So I don't have cancer. I don't know. I

go see a doctor. That's what I would tell you. You know, I don't know. I can't. I'm, I'm watching a guy die now. Stage 4 liver cancer. You know, it's hideous.

Calls me up. You know he's you got any words of advice? I'm like, I'm looking for words of advice from you. You know I got. No, I mean, what could I say? His days are numbered,

you know,

You know, But I'm, I'm proudest punch of that little girl, of what she's done flying up. You know, the Seahawk for the United States name is equivalent to the Blackhawk. She looked at me and she says I could either blow you up or I extract you, Dad, you know, I'm like, that's my girl. There you go.

And if we don't have, I mean, she was being trained by

Marine drill Sergeant. They all had to come and meet me because she has this six sense of humor.

They're like they're yelling and grilling them and she's over there laughing and they're like, what the hell is the matter with you, Graf? And she would like, you don't know where I come from. And she and they're like, what the hell you mean where you come from? Where do you come from? She goes, you don't know my dad. You're gonna have to come stronger than that. You know, that just infuriate these people. So they all had to meet me at graduation and here I come, you know, bopping in. I'm not even supposed to be on base. And she asked us. She asked to tell him that, you know, I have to get.

I mean, she was embarrassed. You know, she's like, yeah, about my dad.

He's not supposed to be on base, you know, or what? Do you have a bad conduct? Yeah. Yeah. I used to frauding the federal government. He was running drugs. Yeah. Yeah.

I got this little boy that's never seen me and his mom drunk, you know,

And, uh,

I didn't want another kid. I went through a divorce with my daughter's mother that went out and, and that's a whole nother story. And I was done with that crap. I just was like, you know, it's gonna be like an, A, a pimp, you know, gonna cut a weak one from the herd here and there, you know, and like, I'm not doing this crap anymore, you know, I got tangled up with this girl.

I love you. I hate you. You hang up now. You hang up, you know,

can I have conditions? I have a way. I have a map of my life. I'm kinda OCD about crap now. You wouldn't know it, but it's like, you know,

it's like, I know what I want. And it ain't no kids, you know? I'm 55 years old, you know? They're like, oh, yeah. With your grandson. No, he's my son, asshole, you know?

What's up? Where's your wife? I'll impregnate her, you know.

Exactly.

But he is like,

you know, all of that crap that I thought that I knew that I wanted, that I thought I had figured out. It was like, you know, I'm I would have missed it. I would have missed it.

And that daughter that I gave up during drinking? Umm. Here's the craziest part of the story of all, man.

Last year, I get a call from my daughter, that Navy pilot, and she's like, see, I don't hide anything from my kids, my kids. She's always known about my other daughter and she's always wanted to meet my other daughter. But now if you're new here tonight, this is you could. Everything else is fluff, but this last portion I would hope you would pay attention to because I almost died in these rooms trying to find somebody.

You know, if I would have had a question here, like, well, have you been to jail? OK, OK, OK, you're good. Alright. Have you, you like stealing car? OK, you're good. Are you a scumbag? And like, you know, OK, you're good. Alright. Yeah. You know, I, I'd have a questionnaire and I was so stupid about getting somebody that when, when my best thinking at three years sober thought, well, I'm just gonna eat a bullet, That's the best I could do.

I made a deal when I called Clancy up that whatever this guy tells me to do, I'm going to do because this is where I'm at. This is the best I could do. So whatever he's going to tell me to do can't end me up over here and it hasn't. So I figured, OK, I'll do whatever the hell he tells me to do. So every sponsor I've had, I've had this problem with this daughter of mine that when I talk about my amends and, you know,

go over a fifth step with them or what have you, I always feel guilty about abandoning this daughter. It's always a bad part for me. It's it eats my lunch around holidays. It eats my lunch around her birthday. I still know all of this. I'm not somebody. Oh, I had a black. Oh, I don't really. No, I remember everything. That's the problem with me.

So every sponsor I've had, I've had three. First one killed himself, second one got pissed at a a third one's Clancy.

So everyone I've had, when I've talked to him about this daughter of mine, they said leave her alone. She's probably been adopted, she's probably been raised by somebody else. And just because you took chicken shit actions and you feel bad about it, now you want to go make yourself feel good and go make amends to her and ruin her life. Leave her alone.

If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen in God's time.

Everyone has said that. None of them has had this experience. None of them.

So 524 of 16 last year. That daughter, that naval pilot calls me up

and says to me, hey, are you sitting down? And I said, oh, crap, what? You know? And she goes, I just got off the phone with Jess and go, Jess who? She goes Your other daughter Jessica,

and I said you what? And she goes. I just got off the phone with Jessica,

she said she took ADNA test on ancestry.com.

My daughter took a DNA test on ancestry.com.

Grandma, Mom, nobody was telling her how to spell my last name for good reason.

Now she's put together with a graph that now she knows how to spell the last name. She gets on that stupid thing called Facebook, which I hate.

She searches up my daughter. She searches up my wife. She searches up my two nieces and searches up my brother

and sends him a message and the message, as simple as this, says I don't want anything. I'm not looking for any drama. I'm not looking for any money. I'm very successful. I've been married for years, have a son, I have a daughter and a husband.

I'm just looking for some information about my dad

and she goes. I realize I'm probably a secret and again, I don't want any drama,

ancestry.com says. We may be first cousins.

My daughter sends her back the message and you know her number, and they talk and she goes, I've known about you my whole life, she says. He's been sober. He's been active in Alcoholics Anonymous

and, uh, you know, we're not cousins, we're sisters. And by the way, you have a little brother and, uh, and he, and it's been eating his lunch for years.

5/24/16 I talked to my daughter for the first time, Father's Day of last year. My wife, my daughter, my son got me a ticket to fly to North Carolina where she was living with her family.

I got to meet my daughter, my granddaughter, my son-in-law for the first time this Christmas. That came out here and we all went down to, uh, Palm Desert.

Stayed, stayed out here for two weeks. I got the chance to, like, spoil them rotten.

She came back a couple weeks later because of work, and her boss wanted to know, wanted to meet me. You know, I mean, I can't tell you that that's gonna happen for you,

but I don't know of any other place that that happens other than here.

There's a part in that book. It's called. There is a solution.

I don't know about any of you all, but I didn't have a solution when I was out there, and any solution I had was usually worse than the problem that I was in at the time.

If you're new here tonight, I hope you can surrender to this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous. And don't mistake it. There's no normal thing that's gonna make you normal. There's only a program called Alcoholic's Anonymous