Steps 6 and 7 at the Fellowship of the Spirit in Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Mr. You Teresa

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sorry, I'm short. I'm short, okay,

good afternoon. My name is Teresa. I'm an alcoholic.

Thank you, FC.

I always say, you know, when I introduce her, I always tell her how other centered she is. Usually when she does piss, get pissed off when I tell her to pray. But the moment I say to her I need prayer and then she goes, oh, OK, OK, if you need it, all right, all right. I'm the one that needs the prayer. All right, In that case, we'll do it anyway.

I'm like a kid in a candy store. You know, I sit over there. I don't hurt. All this yesterday and then Chris and I'm just sitting there like. And then when it's my turn, I forget that I'm here to participate.

Like, oh man, now I gotta do this. I just want to keep listening to them. They just did such an awesome job on explaining the steps. And

then my head starts going just like they were saying, you know, I'm like, I don't have nothing to say anyway. I'm always nervous. I'm uncomfortable. This is awkward. Let me just get all that out. This is my first time, my second time out into the world, and it's just been very difficult. I just have to say that. And we talk about a disease that's centered in our thinking and, and we look for that to change. But even with 33 years, it still happens, you know, But thank God I noticed the difference. And I have these moments where I've been sitting out there going, I'm going to die anyway.

Say that

maybe all you already went through that phase. But like I've been in my house for three years, like literally

in a bubble. And so people talking to me, I keep my husband like you're gonna die. So I'm like, God, please remove the fear. There's no way that you would give me this assignment to just have me die. And I have to just say that. I'm going to say that out loud. Okay. I was suddenly I should have did this one before I went to Founders Day. That was way too many people

and we talking about defects of character. So there you go. I got a bunch of them but you know this. This is kept coming up as every time I'm listening to anyone share about anything, I ask myself questions.

I love how all the schools let's consider something, but always asking myself, what is my relationship with this, with this language, with this book, with these steps? Is that still true to me today? Does that apply? Do I have a different understanding of that? Have I expanded on it?

What what comes up when I'm working with others?

What seems to be congruent in the conversation? I find that working with others, I, I think about Bill, you know, Bill says if I don't talk to another drunk, I'm going to get drunk. He doesn't say if I don't get another drunk sober

because something happens when you're working with someone or speaking with someone, I start seeing me and hearing me. So if I'm talking to someone for like, I talked to so many people and if I'm talking to them about the same thing all week, more than likely I think I need to do that.

I don't have any. Yeah, I've been talking about an inventory for Wow. You think you need the right one,

but across the board, this has been my experience with the steps.

I was just thinking about that. I didn't come here when I got here, I wasn't like, Oh my God, I don't want to do this. This sounds crazy. I can't that just, you know, that just it's happened later in my sobriety, but not in the beginning. And I don't even know if it's because of the WWE. That's what Ralph always said. Well, whooped ass. I didn't even know my ass was whipped. You know what I mean? I just kind of crawled in here lost and confused of what was happening

in the reality of the world that I had lived in. And I'm now present for my experience. And

alcohol abandoned me and left me emotionally retarded with no coping skills, and I knew no other way to live. And then when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, you told me that there was a solution. And I've been, I just was like, OK, from the moment I came here, I was not in the debate society. I didn't wonder whether what you had to say was true or not. At this point. I got no straws in the game, no chips to draw. I mean, I'm that look, what's the worst that you guys can do for me?

Let's just try it and see what happens.

It didn't have to make sense. I didn't have to understand it. I think the less I understood what you were talking about, the better off I was. The moment I got into the conversation of, oh, I get it, I thought I was in trouble. It was so foreign that I was just willing to do whatever

and some reason. I knew

that I had always relied on a power before I came here.

I always knew that.

And the power was alcohol.

I have never been confused about that. And the only power that I've ever known, the one that told me when to get up in the morning, when to go to bed at night, where I was going to live, where I wasn't going to live, if I was in a relationship, if I wasn't, wasn't working anymore and I was in trouble because I do not know how to live life without another power. That's how I came to you.

And you told me you found another one,

and that this one didn't rob you of your dignity, of your integrity, of yourself. Respect

that this one wasn't a puppet master. That was an infinite power, a power that restored you, that actually empowered you as opposed to disempower you. And the alcohol that I had turned my will and my life over to is alcohol. And it gave me the illusion that I was running the show, but I never was.

Ever.

It determined every area of my life and it was non negotiable.

And as I do this process and I look at this, I'm telling you, the whole time I've been here, I was like, what? That is called what?

That's what I said was that's a what

I was relieved of the removal of the shame. You know, I learned instantly I came here full of a lot of shame. And so far, even have we've gotten through the steps, little by little the shame is removed. See, I came here with shame. I learned shame means something's wrong with me. I am fraud and I'm defective and I'm damaged. There is no solution in shame.

If I'm floored, defective and damaged, you can't do nothing with me.

But somehow these steps begin to shift that perspective to guilt. And guilt means I've done something wrong, therefore there can be a repair.

I thought about my brother used to say, I refer to my nephews a lot

because I've watched them grow and develop and I learn how I develop them children because I came to emotionally and infant and I learned that we stopped growing at the age we start drinking. And I was born addicted and so I came emotionally an infant. So I looked to children to see the normal healthy process of development. And my brother used to say he was in the military in the Marine Corps, and whenever he was a particular platoon, whenever they talked down at them and insulted them, they would do poorly.

But whenever they spoke well about each other or them, they did better. So how he wanted us always communicate without my nephews was to talk about was right about them as opposed to what's wrong.

And I believe Alcoholics Anonymous has done that for me. It actually talks about what's right about me rather than what's wrong. It's quite interesting. I hear from people who are working on steps in the inventory. Oh, I'm a horrible person. That's not what that step tells me. It actually tells me what I'm not. It tells me what it looks like when I'm under the lashes of alcoholism and an illness. It is the manifestation of an illness,

and that's what it looks like. I've taken care of a lot of people. Those of you who heard me, I've been a caregiver since 2005

and I take care of folks who have cancer, Parkinson's, dementia. That is not who they are. That behavior is not them. It is the illness

I, my sponsors say to me, we're getting to your authentic self.

That is not who I am. Regardless of what other people told me that I'm trash, I'm nothing or I told myself all of those are lies

and how I treat this illness. I heard, uncovered, discovered, discard.

I need to dismantle and get rid of all these things that are false. That is not who I am. I am a child of God, but I don't know that. I didn't even know I was playing God. Who knew that? I don't remember walking around going on playing God. I don't remember doing that. I like I think Mickey Bush says it. I don't go into a bar and say, excuse me, bartender. I have low self esteem and insecurity. Can I have a drink? I never did that.

I just didn't give me a drink, you know what I'm saying? What is going on?

But you began to put adjectives or description on things that I otherwise couldn't describe. I just did them.

There's a struggle with inventory. It's kind of like I've heard a lot of people. I'm terrified of the inventory. I got some sponsors and grand sponsors. Now. I don't want to do it just stalling. I'm like, believe it or not, the first three columns are not a secret.

You haven't told everybody in the world about the people you're pissed off at. What are you talking about? Every chance I got, I told somebody what you did to me.

The secrets in the fourth column, I never asked myself those questions. Ever.

But if this is the business of really discovering how the root of my troubles is selfish and self centeredness driven by 100 forms of fear, I need to gather evidence. That's what I've been doing. I have to gather evidence. I apply everything lately with school movies just because I'm in class. So it helps me to remember, you know, the information. But even in statistics, in all of my classes, the sociology major and all of my classes were always talking about a theory, a hypothesis,

and then even critical thinking. And now I have to gather data to support it. And even then I leave room for error.

And to me that's the 12 steps. I am gathering data.

It's not that I turned the baseball bat from you to me.

Let's see, how have I been playing God? Let's take a look. And you give me a series of things to examine. And when I examine them, I go, I know. But you were like, Oh my God, I haven't played that.

And the question is, is it working? No, actually it isn't. I mean

nothing. Me all know. You know what? Now that you look at it, it's not working.

I thought it was working, but the evidence shows it's not working. In particular, I know I'm going into the stuff I have to before I go into six and seven because when I looked at fear,

an evil, corroding threat that runs through the fabric of the existence of my life, I love Bill. I'm Puerto Rican. We're very descriptive. I'm very visual. To me, I don't have to read in between the lines the way Bill writes.

Evil, corroding thread that runs through the fabric of the existence of my life. That's like a telenovela.

I was like, yo, Bill, I'm like, damn, that sounds intense.

Is corroding. I could just visualize it.

And then I discover in the fear, you know, it's so funny how they tell me a God of your own understanding. You know, we hear that a lot, a God of your own understanding. But for me, I realize that the Big Book begins to give me one

director, employer, principal. Is that not like some description of a Power

Emmys? I don't even have to figure that out.

Now you come into this area and it says infinite.

I'm finite.

I had to look that up.

Infinite is unmeasured, unlimited and finite is measured and limited. Where's the evidence? I'm looking at it on the paper

and then in the areas of fear. I don't discount the defect. Thing was trippy. I'm looking at I find my defects of character when I do inventory

and defects of characters talking about my flaws.

This is an eagle smashing process. If I think I have grind the oscody and I think my stuff don't stink and I got it going on. No, you got flaws in your makeup. I'm not a bad person. I've self will run riot, even though I don't think so. You know what I mean? It's kind of like it's not rocket science. They just say it's not rocket science around here. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, look at it. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, pretty much.

I had these fears and I didn't know. I'm driven by them, I'm living by them. I'm making decisions about them.

My spouse has shared with me because there's a question in there that says wasn't it because self-reliance failed me? And the only way for me to answer that I had to write down all the things I've done to manage the field.

And when I got done seeing about all the things like I'm afraid of being abandoned. And So what do I do? I leave you before you leave me. I hold you hostage. I let you hold me hostage. I try to, you know, I mean love you. I try to do this. I try to stay away from you. I cross the T's. I thought the ISI do all this stuff. And the question is, do you still have fear, Teresa? Yes, I do. It ain't working.

I'm finite.

Hmm. Let's try something different.

We're going to trust and rely on this other power. And you know, I didn't struggle with that. You know what? Because I've been relying on alcohol. Why do I all of a sudden come here? Go. I can't rely on nothing. What are you talking about?

And if there's anybody who has relied completely and utterly on a power grid themselves, or Alcoholics and addicts than anybody else I know.

Hmm.

And you call these things defects of character? I discover them in my 4th column.

It's not that I'm defective. Is that when I run on self will the spirituality manifests itself in these areas?

And selfish to me is not a horrible thing. What is it that I want? I start discovering I'm a person who is only focusing on what I want. I don't think about anybody, only think about what I want.

Self-centered is, I think the world revolves around me.

See, I'm immature emotionally. There is a period of time in the child development that they are self-centered. They need to be.

They rely on the parent. It's all about me. I scream and cry when you don't answer me. I remember my nephew was like 1516 years old. He's like, yeah, Mom says it's all about me. I'm like, it is. You're 1516. The whole world is only about you right now. That's normal for your age. You're trying to figure out who you are. You got peer pressure, especially. You're a guy. You only think about masturbating and watching sports. You're so confused. You don't know what's happening.

You mean like you all jacked up right now? You know what I'm saying?

You got to figure out what you're going to be in life. But you're still a kid. You know, it's a lot happening. You're self-centered. What we hope is that you grow out of that.

If we do the normal process of development, we will grow out of that. But meeting alcoholic, I stay in that. We're a bunch of little kids. We never grow. We still playing in kindergarten,

so I have to grow up.

I didn't know I was still a little kid. I didn't know I was immature. You see what I'm saying? I'm this little girl trapped in this body thinking I'm a grown woman, but I'm not.

I think I'm managing and running life, but I'm not. It wasn't until I saw it on paper because somehow I just couldn't see it.

All is mentioned. What is that judgement? Self righteousness? I didn't even have that language. Self-righteous.

All I know is you're wrong. I'm right. I didn't know it was called self-righteous.

I was like, that's interesting, you know what I mean? Like, OK, I swear I've done my whole safari like that. Oh, maybe its easier that way. OK. If you say so.

And then through the years I could see how it comes up.

The first time I did my my 5th set, my sponsor wrote them down. I couldn't even put down, you know, I mean, she pulled it from that column and she gave me a list. I was like, OK, whatever. I'm telling you, I didn't go, oh, no, I'm not. I was like, whatever, man, whatever. I'm self-righteous, I'm arrogant. Whatever, let's do this,

it ain't working. Whatever it is that I'm doing is not working. I can't rely on alcohol anymore to allow me to navigate in this world you call Earth,

this thing you call life. I don't know how to exist without something. And all my life I've reached outside of myself and I've always come up short. I've made other thing powers. I've heard people say I'm powerless of a people, places and things. I don't see that anywhere in our literature.

What I am powerless it over is my alcoholism that tells me I have power over people, places and things.

And then when I look at this, I go, well, where are my flawed? Where's the floor in my makeup? Oh, I'm under the illusion and delusion that I'm running things and I'm not. And all I'm doing is I'm harming others in the process. So I've always used this description again, I get it out of hanging out and raising my nephews, you know, 'cause they're boys, right? And I get this. I, I go to movies. I refer to movies. We were talking about Ralph the other day refers to music. I refer to movies,

and I remember the first time I went with them. We go in to see The Avengers. Anybody ever seen The Avengers? They're superheroes

and there's a villain in town

and the superheroes come in and they come to get the villain. They're going to help the people

Hulk. I would say Hulk gloves. There is had the Hulk. I kept saying Hulk gloves Hulk hands. I used to go to my nephew. No Hulk gloves whatever the Hulk right, And I told him I was talking to AFC and Alice son because he said got the whole cans and I'm like I'm always want to do a lesson. I was like, do you know how he becomes Hulk when he's angry anyway?

And so you got the Hulk, he gets angry. You have the guy with the eyes. I don't know, he like burns people when he takes off his glasses. You got that guy. You got the hammer guy, Thor or something. He's like a big old hammer with long hand, a Cape. I don't know, it's very strange, but he got a hammer.

One minute you have one the woman, one you. I don't know different characters.

I see them as the defects of character

because you see, I turned to those to help save me and to survive. I'm not a defective, damaged person. I'm living life trying to figure it out. Whatever way I think I'm playing God, I turn to these tools in order to survive and get through life.

I really think I'm getting rid of the villain.

Even if I think you're the villain and you're not, it doesn't matter. My mind, you are.

And so I turn to these things to help me with you. Just like The Avengers, they come into the town to get rid of the village. But you know what I noticed every time we leave the movie theater and there's been like, what? I don't know, they have six series of those things or something like that. Every time we leave the movie theater, I say to my nephews, But who's cleaning up the town?

Maybe it's the Al Anons

who say

I'm like, have you noticed? How many series of that show is there? Every time they get rid of the villain, they tear up the town, they blow up the bridge and the buildings and the car. You don't see that. It's like everything, it's demolished. The whole town is demolished. And they're like, goodbye, see you later. And they leave. I'll be like, yo, put the print fast.

You know, that's like that guy in the book. Look more the Windsor blowing. No, put the bridge back

and so the the veggies they leave

and then they come back when there's a new villain in the town is back to order. There's the Al Anon and they tear it up again and they leave. Nobody in any of that movies. I said, yo, why don't you fix the town before you leave? That's how I see the effects of character because see that they're superheroes. They're not bad people. They really believe that they're helping to get rid of the villain. They really hoping to put things in order or the world of the earth in order because it's now being damaged and shattered.

They have good intentions, like I had good intentions. I wasn't a mean person running around wanting to harm people. I didn't do that,

had good intentions. That's why, he says. Even though I mean, well, I could be mean, egotistical, I don't know. I'm just, I'm just trying to get through the day, man.

Let's try to get through the day. This is the best way I know how to do it until I discover is not working. The very thing I'm trying to pursue, I'm not getting, as a matter of fact, it's only getting worse and I'm getting less of it. So we're going to try something different. So I look at these things and I go, you know, are they objectionable? I like how you is. Are they objectionable to me? Is this something that I just, I don't think it's, it's not cute

and it's so easy for me to go. I don't like that. Those things that make me look bad.

Oh, that's not cute. Selfish, self-centered. Oh no,

that's not cute. I don't want to be that. Yes. I don't want to be that

later. I know it's a very short paragraph in the big book with, you know, the 12 and 12, kinda. He explains a little bit more on defects of character. And I just appreciate how he says it's so easy for me to want to get rid of those things that are glaring, you know, gluttony and all that stuff. But I don't want to look at procrastination. You know, these little subtle things that I want to hold on to is the big things that are not cute

is I'll say this, I had somebody who came to me with this inventory. I have to say this, she always, she was so mad. So she came with me already with the inventory done and she had that gluttony, sloth, whatever those things are, gluttony, sloth, whatever. And as she was going, I said, you know, I'm sorry, but I feel like I'm watching the movie 7

anyway. I had to say that

I was like, I don't know what that is. I don't know what you're doing.

That's a movie called Seven. I don't know y'all seen in here, but it's all those silly deadly sins or something like that. I'm like, I don't know what we supposed to do with that.

Maybe you got to find somebody anyway. Who? Inventory. She was so mad she had to do inventory. Oh, I just don't know what that means.

It it mentions that in step 6

that I'm willing to look at the things that are most glaring, that is distasteful, the things that people don't like, the people that judge me about it so I can look better. But I really have to be willing look at the things that are subtle, things that you don't even see, things that I do in the quietness of my own space. What am I doing it for? I'm blocked. You told me when I started this process and I'm blocked from the sunlight of the Spirit.

I want to know what that is.

I really wanted to know what the sunlight of the Spirit was, and I can't get to it with all this stuff.

And so I look at these things. Are they objectionable? I don't think they're cute anymore. Are they working? No, actually, I've just gathered the evidence. They're not working.

They're not working.

I thought they were,

but they isolate me. I stay more afraid, insecure, frustrated, angry, bitter, confused. They're not working.

I don't want them.

You use the term entirely ready. I like that word entirely. I always tell people how you think we supposed to be entirely,

entirely is completely, utterly, completely all of it. How do you suppose I become entirely ready just because I see it on paper?

I don't about none of y'all, but for some reason when I get to the defects of character, don't you believe they become more apparent? For some reason, I begin to now really see them. I think that's interesting. Before I visualize it on paper, I go, Oh my goodness, that's not cute. Yes, I'm entirely ready. You know, when I become entirely ready? When I keep seeing it. So I'm saying like now I'm building a conscience and I'm like, Oh my God, I'm selfish. I'm so nasty. Oh my God, I saw seeing it and I become entirely, I swear, because like, OK, I'm done with that.

Is that I really can't be that anymore. I can't do that anymore.

And then you take me to 7 and you use the word humble.

And humble just means I recognize the flaws in my makeup. That's all I'm saying. I just recognize it,

that I am limited, I am finite. There's was so much I can do and so much I could be of my own. It's not working. And isn't it interesting that I do the list of defects of character? I write down all the things that are objectionable. I say yes, I'm entirely ready. I don't like these. I am willing. I just need willingness. Don't say never, just I'm willing to get rid of all them. Yes, I don't like them.

And then you take me to 7 and it goes take all of me good and bad all. What happened to the list?

It switches me again and not play God. Isn't that something? Because with my list, I was still playing God. It's such a trip, how I do that. I determine what's objectionable. I determine what I don't like. I determine what I don't want to be and what I don't want to do. And the next step it goes. No, no, no, no, Theresa, remember, you can't run the show.

You don't even know what's objectionable. You don't even know what's best for you. That reminds me of I was doing this initiation ceremony. It's a big deal, OK? And I'd stay 3 days in silence, meditation and silence. And the whole time I could write, though. And my father says to me, I want you to write down everything you want in life. Everything, everything, everything. You spend the next three days in silence and meditation and you write down everything you want

because when we get to the threshold of the ceremony, they're going to ask you what do you come seeking and what do you want?

Oh, my three days. I had like 5-6 pages.

I get to the threshold, I got my paper. I'm standing there. My father's next to me and he snatches the paper for me. I go, but Daddy, I didn't study it. I don't remember it. I got a lot of good things in there. Give me my list. He goes, no, the only thing you can ask for is God's will for you. What, three days I spent talking about what I want and not? And he doesn't know if there's anything you're going to ask for, if there's anything is good health,

because with good health you can have everything on that paper. Without that, you have nothing. I spent three days writing down what I think what was best for me, what was going to make my life happy, what I need. Isn't that a trip?

And just like that took the paper for me. No, you don't get to ask that

because I don't know what's best for me, even though I think I do.

And the seven step prayer goes Theresa, you really don't. I know you think you do, but you really don't. Because you see, this new falling power is going to determine when I can use them, when I can't, when they serve, and when they don't.

All I have to do is to be ready to give them up, especially when they stand in the way of my usefulness to you. Especially when they get in the way of what I need to do my assignments. So Ioffer myself to thee. I'm offering myself to this power, this newfound power and understanding of power to begin to shape and mold. I just said that in the sex inventory. Shape and mold my future sex life. What are my ideals? And the ideals are not a dating matching thing

is who do I become? What do I bring to the table? So things have to be removed in order for me to be come somebody

and then I begin to watch.

You see, I would say something has happened to Teresa. I don't do this to myself. It is not self help. Cognitive therapy I don't get to work on. I've heard that I'm working on my defects of character. Maybe it's semantics. I hear you. You understand that the way you understand it. I can't work on my defects of character if I'm undisciplined.

My neutral, my natural position is selfish and self-centered, driven by 100 forms of fear.

I'm delusional because sometimes I can't even see. I can't differentiate the truth from the false. That ain't just in my drinking. Then I'm playing God and I'm not. That's part of the Serenity Prayer.

I can't see,

so therefore I can make myself do anything. I have to be conscious, awake and aware. I have to watch.

That's it later and say, you know, I mean, I gotta watch. I gotta see all I'm being selfish. Oh, no, you know, oh, oh, it's not working. Let me stop. Hold on. That's why I get to say, can you give me a minute?

Can you give me a minute?

In the beginning of my sobriety, do you know I talk to people with index cards. It's amazing how people tell me how I share and they enjoy and understand. And this I talked, I spoke to people with index cards because my perception was so skewed. I come from a lot of abuse, and so I always thought I was under the attack. I lived in a state of victim consciousness.

And so everything everybody said to me, you were attacking me. And so my sponsor instructed me to say to everybody, can I get back to you on that? And then I will call and say what I thought you said

and then we would really figure out what you actually said. And then I would have a response and talk about willing to go any lanes and I would come back to you and go with regards. Do you know I even did that at work. I always use as an example. I called and I said my boss just told me that I was stupid. I was an idiot. He should not have hired me. He should. He don't know why he hired me. He's going to fire me and get rid of me and he's going to tell everybody to never hire me again,

that I'm the most ridiculous and competent, stupidest person that he's ever had in his office.

And she said, can you tell me exactly what he said, if you can remember precisely what he said, that he say all that to you? No. What did he say? He said you were supposed to make 200 copies instead of 100.

Yo, you couldn't have told me. I didn't hear what I told her at first

and I literally had to go back to his office and go. With regards to the copies,

I recognize that I've overlooked the other hundred.

In the future I will be more mindful. Could you imagine?

So we're willing to go to any leaves. I did that for six months talking to everybody.

And so God thee what God does so that I could see,

it's like a sea so I can hear and not live in all that. And as I begin to say, please remove, take away, please remove. Doing that prayer. I humbly please remove. Please remove

and as something starts happening

I start seeing myself. There's more steps to do, but I start changing.

I saw walking differently. Chris mentioned it after coming. He went into his fifth like this. He came out walking like that. When I did my fifth step with my sponsor, I learned about intimacy, being vulnerable.

I don't remember going in there going, Oh my God, they're gonna know everything about me. I was like, I don't know everybody. How many people have done this and they haven't disintegrated? You think I want to give it a try

and I came out going and it says I swallow big chunks of information about myself. You feel delighted. I don't know where anybody gets this idea. Supposed to walk on my 5th tippy toeing through the two leaves. I don't say nothing like that in the book.

So find out about sharing my inventory with somebody and looking at my defensive character. I've had some people do it with me. They throw up and I be clapping.

They've been there puking. I'll be like, let us be free, let us be free

Omar's. I do that to them all the time. Let us be free. That's from Armistead anyway.

Let us be free and they be like, that's not funny. Yes, it is

all these things that I thought were hidden. I've had a lot of people. Why do I want to do inventory? Why do I want to tell somebody? What am I looking at? Defensive character, maybe I don't have any. I'm like, you don't need the alcoholic is the only person that doesn't realize that that's how you've been living and there's no bones in no closet. There's nothing that you're digging up.

Who told you that they were buried?

I have been a manifestation of all that. Everywhere I go, I see the world through that. Those are the the glasses that I look through, the lenses that I see. Every decision I make, every conversation that I have, every choice that's in front of me is based on all that.

We got a new way to live. Now

I gotta be willing to get rid of that. What do I participate in that? My willingness to be rid of it because it no longer serves a purpose. And then I let this newfound power decide and what way it will be rid of.

And every chance I get, whenever it comes up, all I need to do is ask.

I need to see it and ask

my time. I umm, I've utilized these steps as a way of life. They're tools designed for living. They're not homework. They're not assignments.

Everybody learns differently. I appreciate those as the educational variety. You know, I've had to let go of my own that were biased or something like that. You know, I have whatever I think is bias. I don't know. You know, I look at you like, what are you doing? That's not right.

What are you doing? Why are you doing that? Whatever

I see. So she says Zoom. I've been on Zoom for 10 years.

Only Alcoholics all of a sudden guess the way they can rediscovered it. Oh my God, we started something to know. We've been there for 10 years.

When many of us were going to live meetings, there was a population of people who were seniors and disabled and lived in remote areas. aa.org has always had a list of of remote meetings. I had a sponsee who schizophrenic, can barely leave the house. She was doing meetings when it was just chatting. There was no video. You just had meetings, chatting

and as a caregiver, I'm living in hospitals and Icus and I needed to get to meetings. And so I would go on the Skype and then Zoom. If I would have known the pandemic and it was going to blow up, I would have put investment, I would have got stock. I didn't know. I'm mad about that. You know, I'm saying

they blew out Skype. I work for an outpatient place and I can do it from home. It was remote. The entire company was only on remote on Zoom, and behind me, I had the screen. Everybody was figuring out the backdrop. I've been having the back screen, you know, green screen and all that. I match my outfit, so my background. Everybody's so beautiful. Your house was green yesterday because I got a green shirt. You know it's like that because you don't even see me from here.

And each and every time I learn more and more about myself, I I talk to other people and I've gone in there and it just has been extraordinary to talk to folks. This is what I got excited about when we all went into zoo. I don't know what it's all about, but this is what came up for me. OK,

with all the people that I've been meeting on a regular basis on Zoom, I've been telling them that the book says there are thousands of men and women who have recovered. It almost felt like when they used to mail the book out to everybody. And they say thousands of men and women have recovered. And then the vision for you says, with this book in hand, we don't know if you get to find us, but go create the fellowship you crave. And so I would see all these people. And I said, there's thousands of men and women who are sober. I'm telling you for real, it's not just me.

I just see a woman all the way in Alaska. She used to be her arms closer, her kids put around the igloo

and it was just me and her. She like whatever.

Life, there's tons of people out there, and when the pandemic happened, they got to see all of you. That's if anything, I was so excited

that so many of them got to see all of you and had an opportunity to see you because they couldn't get to you. I get emotional about that. That's a big deal for them because they couldn't get to you. You know what I mean? I did, I saw you in the rooms, you know, I saw you everywhere where I travel. But these people, they were at home alone or remote areas or they were very sick and they couldn't get to you. And it was just so nice that now you, it was to me, like you, came to them

and gave them an opportunity to see the beauty of the Fellowship of the Spirit and Alcoholics Anonymous and that we can heal together, we can grow with one another. Because I learned a lot from you.

I learned a lot about my defects of character working with you.

My these are teachers. You got one finger pointing at somebody, you got 3 pointing back at you.

And I remember my sponsors to tell me I can't say anything bad about the person. And because everything that I say about you, I'm talking about myself. Oh, I got so tired of doing that. I got so tired of talking bad about myself

after all, I started looking for good things in you. Like be like your hair is cute. I don't. I don't. I don't know

you. You, I don't know,

you seem kind. I mean, I had to find something because I was sick of talking bad about myself.

Everyone has been my teacher. See part of removal of defective character and becoming entirely ready and becoming humble. This process to me is a learning process