The Primary Purpose convention in Oslo, Norway

Do we have to?

I'm not. Nope. Yep, Yep. Cool.

Hi,

my name is Rose, I'm an alcoholic.

It's beautiful to be here

on this Sunday morning with you guys. And I was just thinking yesterday when Jennifer was talking and she got like 31 years over and she was talking about, I think she was talking about like relation and all the stuff that she's been like up to in the 31 years she's been sober. And I met the crystal states. Now I got my Obsidian skull here, dragon skull. So, but I would get past that, I think.

But I have it now for strength. But oh wow, it's my beautiful friends from Iceland. So many of us. It's not because, you know, we're so much more Alcoholics than Norwegians. It's just more acceptable to be an alcoholic. And like, everybody in Iceland knows what a A is and everybody, like every other person has gone to rehab and stuff like that. But because it's free, of course,

and

I'm going to tell you my story.

And so where to begin? What's a great sobriety date? Maybe let's start there. It's 16th of September 2001

and everybody remembers what happened on the 11th, right? I had everything to do with it. Let's make that clear. I was really insane, but I will come back to that. I am the youngest of seven siblings.

My father had two children before he met my mother and my mother had three children all with a separate man before she met my dad and together they had me and my older brother. So I'm my youngest. So when I was growing up,

I always had a broken bone. Always there was a little bit of fighting, a little bit of like we used to live in this, you know, big buildings with big heavy doors. And I was trying to chase my siblings and put my fingers

and so I always had a broken something. And I have this picture of me and I often look at it.

I'm, I'm not three years old. I have like my underwear on. Really hippy. It was 1980. Yeah, it was around 198081 when this picture was taken. And I had recently cut my hair at that time. So it was all just the pictures. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's me. But I can look at that baby today. And I also had a cast on my leg from toes up to my like ass.

I had a like, yeah, a big cast on my leg and

I was not

taken care of in the sense of my mother and father are not Alcoholics. My siblings are not Alcoholics. My parents worked a lot. I kind of raised myself well. I have a sister in the house. It was me, my brother and my sister. The other ones were so like, grown up. They were just moved out of the house when I was a baby,

but I wasn't taken care of in the sense of I needed care or I needed teaching. I needed like

shit like children do as I raise my children today,

but it was OK. I was like a happy wild child. I was really wild. I probably would have gotten many diagnosis if I were a child today. I was up and over, all over the place, getting lost, running away from home, making fires in the mountains and, you know, smoking cigarettes in the, in the in the later, later years,

I was raised in a

small sea village in the vast fields of Iceland. I think now there are like 250 people living there. So it's really small. But at that time when I was growing up, it was like 500 people. A lot of

people coming from both other countries to work in a fist factory. It was like blooming in alcohol. It was blooming in Yeah work and everybody just

show it up for work and the weekends always everybody was like drunk. But my parents, as I said, they were not like drinking or I hardly ever saw alcohol and I hardly ever saw them drinking.

But nevertheless, I am an alcoholic and I started drinking when I was 1212 years old. And just to make that clear, that in this little town,

I was good at school, I was in sports, I was really open, I loved giving speeches. I love to be in acting. I was not like many Alcoholics describe themselves as as being really in themselves and not finding themselves. I, well, at least I thought I was really outgoing, outspoken and probably often more outspoken that I should have been. But

but

when I started drinking, I just got more outgoing and more outspoken, and

the first drink I took was at a concert in Reykjavik. And

yeah, from that time, I like the effects that it did to me. I like the

Yeah, I, I don't know, because before that time I could talk to Bob, talk to boys. I was like, hey, you wanna, you know, get in the closet or something, But. But

it really helped me in a sense of forgetting something I kind of really didn't know was what was what was there.

Because as a child,

I had been molested. And I shut it off

and Sharif completely off, completely off. I didn't. I loved my dad. And my father and mother got a divorce around that time when I was 12, when I started drinking and my mother moved away and I wanted to stay in my hometown and live with my dad. And he was sick. He had a lung disease. And so I was kind of in the situation of being his caretaker.

And

I remember, and I always take this example

of

I didn't know that alcohol had like taken the power of me. I had given my power to alcohol.

My dad asked me. I had been planning on a camping tour and with my friends and he said to me, could you please stay at home because I feel I'm getting sick. I need you. But as much as I love my dad, of course I'm an alcoholic. I want camping and drink. So

yeah, I'm gonna try to because I only have an hour.

I could. I could talk forever about me like Jennifer and and many others have talked about. I love talking about myself, but

my older brothers also lived at some points in this town and they were smuggling in and like, it's called Lante. It's like, I don't know if you have a word for it in Norway, do they?

So

it was kind of clear from early on that I was drinking more than my buddies,

my friends, my especially my my friends that were girls

and my brother

was, was three years older than me. He was really big and big. I drank like more of alcohol than he did when we were drinking. So I have this physical allergy also that I always need more and more and more. I cannot just drink one. That's not an option

because I really want to get on the table topless dancing, you know? And it was really, really fun all the time. And my friends love me because I was really

out there. I was the, you know, the party animal.

I went into boarding school when I was 16 and like 80% of the kids there smoked hashes. And I had been writing some poetry and stuff and, and when I started smoking houses, I just Oh my God, this is wonderful. I'm going to write some more poetry. This is good shit. And so I did, and.

Nine months later, I'm in my first rehab. There was a strike for the teacher strike in the school. And I started working in the space factory and in my old hometown and and I went like into another town, tried some mushrooms, some houses and just always twinking. It was like crazy. Yeah, I was 17.

I'm just a fucking baby, you know? And,

and I was renting an apartment

with my my friend and she was trying to get me to stop and making this really comments about coming home. And the place was a mess because I had a party whole weekend and I was, I had like many groups of friends. There was this lady in this this town that nobody knew was smoking houses, but she was really like into a big smuggling

import like ring smuggling houses into Iceland. It was just nobody knew that she was a part of his. Well, she was arrested I think 2 years later or something. But nobody knew that I was smoking houses with her. And then I was smoking houses with these guys, my best buddies. And then I was smoking sometimes has is trying to get my girlfriends to smoke with me and, and, and always the alcohol was always there because it had to be.

And

my friend knew and it's so amazing.

She's a codependent, her dad who was an alcoholic. He was sober for 30 years and she found him two years ago. He had collapsed, like relapsed and he shot his head off with he was a farmer. And so if you're not doing this program, that can happen,

Sorry. But yes, he was. And her sister was also had been sober for one or two years. And

I asked her at one point because I had tried to stop. I really tried to stop a couple of times. You know, I'm not going to I'm not going to drink. I'm just going to just going to do it. I'm not going to drink. Going to be a good girl. And the longest phase was nine days was nine days. So she arranged for me, called her sister who got me into my first rehab at the age of 17.

So I went into this rehab and

17 like this, you know, just small town village girl coming into where the junkies and the drug dealers and all the big people from Reykjavik and stuff like that. And I really could not see that I was one of them. But

but somehow I realized I was supposed to be there. It was a like 10 days in this hospital unit and then 30 days in this

country. Old school units, the the rehab and

I didn't realize that I had any fault like faults, yeah, I didn't see that I was. I really did think I was excellent and in all ways like

I fell in love with a man that was a drug dealer and he was 12 years older than me and he was missing some teeth and his hair were like getting a little bit thin. But I was completely in love with him

and I made a best friend. She was the same age as me. She was, had been, you know, a junkie for a couple of years and was like, whoa, that's, that's serious stuff. But I went after this rehab to a A because I was told to nothing kind of happened in this rehab except that, you know, I, you know, I put the cork in the bottle and that was it.

There was no like chains inside of me. There was no like nothing,

nothing kind of happened. And I was told to go to a A and I went back to my old hometown and I had to go like two towns away to get it to an A A meeting and

and it was just crap.

AA was just crap.

We had the steps like on a, you know, on some paper on the wall and, you know, the traditions were there, but nobody was doing nothing except talking about how much they did fish that day at sea or their washing machine was broken or whatever. The wife was pathetic. And so that's what I did. But I just talked about fun things, like I was just driving everybody to the dance and I was in this party. But I was sober, right?

And I was just like, still abusing myself with men. Like I couldn't stop that,

but so I was kind of basically I didn't change at all. Nothing changed except I didn't drink any longer and

it lasted nine months

and I had moved to Reykjavik. I was going to go to.

Hey, Cortana. Yeah. What's up? College English? I don't know. And

I want to live with my mom, and I called this friend of mine that was with me in the rehab, the junkie, and asked if we could go to a meeting together. Because, you know, that's what I was supposed to do. Right

in the back of my mind, there was this. Maybe I'm not going into that meeting with her.

Maybe we will get drunk together. Maybe I will try some new stuff I haven't tried before. But no, no, no, no, I'm going to a meeting, right? But there was this, there was this voice, there was this insanity, right? This insanity that kind of took over or something because I remember it being there, but I was going to not drink

and I went to her house. She lived close by to my mom in Reykjavik, and

we were just talking, catching up and stuff like that. And the meeting was supposed to start at 9 in the evening. That's how we do it in Iceland. We always you know, are up late.

But

it passed 9 and she was like, oh fuck, we missed the meeting,

what should we do? What should we do? So I relapsed and I tried some harder stuff. I tried some amphetamines for the first time as he just called a friend. And it's amazing how I don't really know what kind of took over. You know, I, I always, when I was a child, I always wanted to be an actress. And the actress just came in like 2. At that time,

I just became like, I was still sober,

but I was using hard drugs almost every day for almost a year.

I was just, yeah, I quit school because the only lesson I was still, you know, going to was history because I love history. But that's not enough. I thought, you know, because I didn't show up for anything else. So I just started working

and it was a crazy right time. This is like AI felt like I was, you know, the queen of Reykjavik.

I went to all these clubs dressed in, I don't know what, it's just like plastic stuff or something like just showing off my body because I was doing, you know, harder stuff. So I kind of got skinny and long hair and it was just, Oh my God, I really did feel like a queen

for a long time. And I met the guy from the rehab and was like, oh, I see a smuggling drugs. Oh yeah, let's hook up. So I moved in with him and

but then he had to go to jail.

That was kind of bad. He was in jail for like 3 months or something. So I just took regular trips to the jail, smuggling drugs into the prison. Never got caught

because I'm a really good actress, right? I don't know nothing. And I always played this, you know. No, no, I'm I'm just from that's a really small town in the West. I don't know nothing. I don't know these people in this party. I don't know nothing. I I really did. I'm a good actress

and then something crazy, crazy happened that changed my life forever.

I did LSD and

with my friends, the junkie

and I lost it. I lost connection and it was one time.

It was one time

I started seeing things. I started hearing things, I started thinking things like I wrote Jesus and stuff like that. I really got delusional and of course my

my employee at that time, I was working in office factory in Reykjavik and he couldn't have me working there because I just cried like for hours or I laughed for hours.

I really couldn't do anything. I couldn't communicate with people.

I just read your mind the whole time.

And

this employee of mine, he knew my mom

and they used to go to school together and he called her and said I'm driving Rosa home. And I was at that time living in the apartment that my boyfriend had. And

they, my mom, my dad and my brother, they came and picked me up and I kind of don't really know what's what was going on. They drove me to the hospital and I was talking to this doctor

and this nurse because my parents, they thought I was over

and nobody knew. I had been having this play on for almost a year. And so I talked to the doctor and the nurse alone, and I could tell them that I had been using hard drugs, this LSD, and they were like, OK, so in the tomorrow morning at 9:00, just be here.

I didn't even bring a toothbrush because I, I didn't know I was just going to be there.

Like I just, I just showed up 9:00 in the morning the day after. It was the 1st of May 1997

and

they took my independency away. They locked me in for 17 days like I couldn't meet anybody I knew.

And

why am I crying now?

Because of course I'm crying. Because

it's not human humane to do this.

And

what it did, what it it

made the delusional mind of mind more delusional because I really then thought I was really, really special and I thought they were growing black tulips from my urine. Like it was just crazy. I kind of lost it and

yeah, and I was there for and my mother, she went like post Sunkers and talked to some really, really big guy and that runs the hospital thing. And she was like,

this is not all right. Not meeting my daughter for 17 days and I couldn't smoke cigarettes or nothing. It was crazy.

And finally they ended up seeing me and I remember seeing these doctors and this stuff and I really couldn't communicate at all. And at the level of being in the reality, I could communicate about all kinds of other stuff that you were not aware of. But

yeah, I ended up being there for total nine months at this hospital unit,

the psycho ward, and a lot of shit happens. I can tell you a lot of really, really, really, really funny stories, sad stories, all kinds of shit. My friend Waltima, we met there and we were both Jesus at the time. This is kind of fun because we also had committee issues. He he was also Jesus. He passed away. But yeah, and,

and they, yeah, like I said, they took my independence year away. I was constantly running away.

You know, I have these stories of because I shaved all my hair off and the, the, the medication that they give me, I like gained 30 kilos. So it was just crazy and I couldn't be out in the sun because of the medication. They would burn my skin. I was like really fiery Red Hat, you know, all shaved up and like having this really hot

winter sweater and

like a coat, winter coat in the middle of the fucking summer running away from the hospital. It was, it was crazy, but they always got me back or yeah, well, I came back because I was like, no, I need to sleep. And then I came back and this kind of went on for these nine months. And then they decided to send me to

asylum in the country where they have like really just old men, been there for 40 years, crazy old men.

And there, there was this young lady like, yeah, it was not good man. And I had I had my like 19 year old birthday in the in the hospital unit and 20 year old birthday in the asylum.

And

the next next years are like covered in all kinds of

tries to get sober. They finally let me out. I had like this card that I would never be able to work again and I would just be crazy. I was just, I got the diagnosis paranoid schizophrenic. And so I was paranoid schizophrenic trying to get sober all the fucking time. And I had like

in total I

had 13 rehabs, but I'm including the times where I was put in like asylum hospitals. So because that's kind of a rehab thing also. And I, I think I tried every rehab centre in Iceland

in four years, five years.

And I don't know how many times I went to an AA meeting trying to get sober.

I don't know that's, you know, hundreds of times. So I'm going to go back to a a sit down after the meeting. I'm going to get drunk. That was kind of

normal. I didn't hear anything. I didn't understand anything.

So back in the year 2001,

I knew that I couldn't stop.

I just had this

crazy feeling inside I could not stop.

I tried so many times.

I got 14 months that my, that was my longest time. I got 14 months. And I remember, I remember the time when I started drinking again after these fourteen months I had been in. I just, I thought it was cool just to be in English meetings. So I was going to English meetings and Friday nights and Reykjavik and they always said, yeah, keep coming back. It works if you work it. But nobody said me what to work or nothing.

OK,

keep coming back. It works if you work it, but I didn't know

and I remember when I started drinking after these fourteen months that

maybe, you know, my hair has grown back.

I've, you know, been using some Herbalife stuff, you know, losing some weight and

maybe I can just drink.

I can just drink some red wine and stuff like that.

So I tried and I just drank for three months, like just heavy drinking at this bartender who became like my not boyfriend. We were just drinking together, but and then some cute guy came and said, you know, do you use anything other than alcohol? What do you got? OK, let me just use alcohol and, you know, white stuff, not the cannabis stuff. That's, that's not good for me.

It's just I have no, no control. And this, this, this thought, this insanity. I have no control when it comes No 0.

You know, there are so many times I really, really, really didn't want to do it again. I made promises I was never going to drink again.

I remember standing looking at my brother and I said nony and there were stars and I said I promised to the stars I'm never going to drink again. I don't know, maybe it was three days I was drunk again.

I have no power. But you know, inside I really want it. I want it. I try it so many fucking times. All kinds of versions of it, trying to control it or not control it or like forget, I'm going to show them I'm just going to go drink again. They don't want me anymore or whatever.

And

2001 I had gone a week to another asylum shit and I kind of ran away. I just said I don't want to be here anymore. So so I went and I went 10 days in, in a war with like the hospital rehab centre in Iceland. And I don't know how many times I went to and and there had been this

like awakening in a A and Iceland,

but I hated these guys. They were like loud and funny and you know,

and I hated that. And I had been hearing it when I was going to the English speaking back in days. I would have we were trying to have a meeting here. This is no fun. This is serious stuff. And and I tried some time to get a sponsor and she just wanted to put some tarot cards or something. And another sponsored asked me to like get

baptized in this Christian shit. So that's kind of, I tried all kinds of stuff, nothing worked. And in August 2001, I had written down some things and I still have it. I have a date on it. The date is August something, 2001. And it says all the things that I want

and I wish

a family,

education,

kids, travel, all this stuff let regular people have.

And I knew I would never have it.

Never.

But

my higher power, he has a way

through men, right? Because I've always been kind of a sucker from it. Oh my God that sounds

but on the 16th of September I had been drinking a lot that night and I got invited to a party. It was like 4:00 in the night and I was

walking with these men

where there is this silver colored Porsche, Porsche car. Let's stop on the road and I say hey, you. And I was like, oh, go to them. And they say, oh sorry, we thought you were someone else. Someone else

and I hear this voice. It was not one of the regular voices that I was just always hearing

that said ask them to drive you home. I was not going home,

you know, I was going to a party with some boys and shit because I didn't have any friends at that time really. Nobody wanted me. My parents didn't want me, nobody wanted me anymore. So when I got invited to do stuff with people, of course

Stella was fun and everything.

I felt miserable all the fucking time. But

I don't know why I listened,

but I asked them to drive me home and these guys were working the 13 step in a A

but I didn't sleep with them or nothing.

But it's funny, funny or it's, it's heartwarming

to look back and just, yeah, it's funny. It's funny that God knows me

and

the day after I was going on a date with one of these guys. Well, I thought he actually took me to this cafe where his friends, girlfriends from a A were drinking coffee after an A A meeting

and he just put me with them.

And then he walked away to his friends

and they started questioning me. Oh, do you have a sponsor? Are you new? Because we had this fire awakening in a A Arnold was there with his A, a book always under his arm, marching on,

you know, hitting people in the head.

I am so grateful for our North

risk their bodies today.

He's been a really, really much support to me

and

yeah, shit,

yeah. Well, 35 minutes. OK, speed up, speed up because now we're getting to the, you know, fun stuff, the sobriety and shit. The first step right after here to remind me of the schedule, how we do it in a A and

yeah. And I was talking to these ladies and Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We need to sponsor you go to a meeting and stuff. And I was like, I tried, I tried everything, you know, but

for the first time, the day after that, I think it was the day after that, I went to an, A, a meeting and I heard for the first time what it is to be an alcoholic, you know, being going to all these rehabs, been going to these meetings. And for the first time, I sit there

and I was like, yeah,

I cannot stop drinking. I cannot. I don't have the power. I am powerless.

What do we do with that?

We seek power

and I remember it was the 19th. So I've been sober for three days when I went on my knees.

And at that time I was living with my mom and they had this concert because of the 9/11 thing. There was this concert on the on the TV and I remember going on my knees and I said, God, would you please send a lightning through the roof and kill me now or let me live and be sober.

That was my first, second and third step there. And then

I had realized that I did not have power, that my life was fucking a mess and had been for a long time. And I had like two weeks to figure out where I was supposed to stay because my mother was not able to have me. She was moving out of her apartment and I could not live with her anymore. My father was in, had been in a hospital for a long time and he was dying at that time.

And

I am there on my knees, talking to something somewhat, some I don't know, whatever it is.

And I could feel something here in my heart.

I found my higher power. It came to me that line that night

and

a friend called in the middle of the night the same night full of shit, just been, I don't know, taking some crazy pills or stuff. And I started reading from the a a book from him for him. I said, Hey, she is man, you know, I'm going to try this a A1 more fucking time. And I started reading from the a a book. I don't know why I did that.

Three days over, I'm trying to help somebody. What the fuck?

Yeah.

And it was not something I decided. It was something that was just

my higher power, right? And

things kind of

I, I believe that my higher power just came and said, OK, Rosa, I'm going to take care of you. You have given me your will. I'm going to take care of you. And I did every fucking thing, everything I was supposed to do,

except I got in a relationship.

When I had been sober for three weeks and he was sober 2 weeks and love at first sight, right? No, he was not my type, so it was kind of crazy, but

and like I said, I didn't have a home like two weeks after I got sober. I was like just going around with a a folks and just trying to be somewhere. I remember my sponsor, she said you can have one in the room here because they were some air girls renting this apartment. And then they kind of opened the door on me and my ex-husband like fucking and they were like, oh, you have to go Rosa, that's not good. Whatever,

but no regions also talk. OK. And

I didn't have a home. My father was dying. I got pregnant, I lost a baby. And this is all in my first three months. My father died and I lost a baby and I didn't have a home

but I was still sober because I was going to every meeting. I was reading the AA book with my sponsor. I started working these steps, making the 4th step and the 5th step and started making my immense. I did get time to make an amends on my dad before he died and I hold his hand when he died. And The thing is that

I didn't know at that time that my father really sexually abused me

when I was a child.

It didn't come to me until I had been sober for 10 years that my sister came to me and said I have to talk to you.

And when she said it, I was just immediately almost put into because they had thought I was getting a stroke because I got paralyzed on the on the face and and here. And but The thing is, the memories were coming that I had just closed all the way. I didn't remember anything and

so it was, it was maybe good that I didn't know at that time or whatever. I don't know,

don't know. But

I did hold his hand when he died and I was there for my whole family. And this is kind of

I wasn't, I hadn't been able to do anything for many years before I started doing the program. So for my family, for my mother, for my siblings to see

me, at that point,

it was crazy. I had made my immense and they were seeing something. They didn't trust me completely,

but

I'm going to try to pack things up. But

yeah,

then I just,

I don't know. I don't know how to pack these years into something that happened. Like I was sponsoring like tons of women through the program

our me and my ex-husband. We were actually together for 16 years and we have three babies, babies there young people today. But

well, that was kind of what I was just, I just, and I had this disability like

forever because I was still insane. And yeah, I hadn't mentioned because when I got sober, I was really, really medicated on like medication stuff to trying to keep me normal. So I wouldn't hear the voices or see the visions or have the delusions that I had. And I had them for a couple of years, still being sober. But I was doing

AAI was

I? I was just full of power

and I had all the time in the world to give away what you gave me. And that's just became my life. Just sponsoring women, going to all the meetings. I just and people were just, are you never quitting having babies? You just always having babies on your breasts on the meetings like, and well, that was just, I had so much time to give and I, I,

I am still passionate about giving this program away. That's what I do.

That's my job.

If I stop doing it

I will drink again.

I have seen it so many fucking times

that people get drunk again when they stop

or they hang themselves or shoot themselves because they cannot live.

And I don't want to go there because this is fairly easy to do.

It is. There is nothing much to it. I just have to do it

to go on my knees in the morning and do my meditation. And like I said, I'm on the crystal thing. So I'm really meditating a lot now,

but and carrying the message and I have

really good friends in a a that I can always call and they tell me the truth. I am. So,

yeah. One of the things that I didn't see, you know, from the first, the first month, I couldn't see that I was selfish or self-centered. I didn't really understand these terms or, you know, I didn't really understand it. I really thought that I was a good girl. But you know, 21 years later, I always say yes to my mom because I owe her still.

Fuck what I did to her.

You know, all the sleepless night, all the shit that I did worrying and stuff like that. And my siblings,

I always say, yes, I'm here.

I'm almost, almost a grandmother to my sister's grandkids because I, I just want to, you know, I just want to pay

give back.

And

4-5 years ago

I had a really, really rough time in my sobriety. And I've done a lot of stuff. I have educated myself. I worked as a police officer. I've done some shit, man. It's just,

yeah, five years ago,

some shit happened between me and my my husband. It was a really, really difficult time and

I had this program.

I've done it. I like did it so much. I've never done it as much as I did then

and I think it was Jennifer yesterday that was talking about just being on her knees, like and that was just 4 hours. I was just on my knees just asking for help.

And then I was also calling art. Not a lot

because he also has this man, he's a he's a man. I'm not a man. I don't understand man like like men don't understand women, right? But

and trying and and it's it's difficult for me to talk about it still just in front of a crowd, but I was facing my biggest fears.

I was told that I was getting insane and I was starting to believe that am I may be insane. I didn't I didn't eat, I didn't sleep and I was so proud. I was doing everything that I possibly could in this program. I got,

you know, therapy and stuff like that. And it ended up like, OK, I have to go to the hospital. Well, I was told I have to go to the hospital because I was going crazy again. And

and I met this really, really nice Doctor Who looked at me and listened to me and he said,

I really don't think you're crazy. I think somebody is just telling you you're crazy

and but you need to eat and you need to sleep. So he helped me in that and and I was at that time working as a police officer and, and it was just amazing thing just to

talk to my boss and and it's so funny that I this wreck, I was suddenly being a police officer. It was just crazy. And my boss, MY2 bosses, they they just loved me because of that and

and getting some just time off

and all I knew to do was to do this program

and never did a doubt it would work. It has never ever failed me. Never.

The only thing I have to do is do it.

I've done many four steps, fifth steps, 9 steps.

I've done crazy shit. I know I'm not perfect, but I try and I do this program every day

and I moved and, and life is such a fucking amazing adventure if you just trust your higher power.

And I tried to steep like stay grounded and talk to my AA friends if I get a crazy idea or something. And and when it came to moving here to Norway

and again, it was a guy right?

Soul mates

that I kind of figure out that was not my soul mate, but still I'm here.

But

I never thought this program. I never thought that my higher power is giving me assignments or stuff that I cannot handle.

And often I'm like really? Fuck, are we not done? Is this not enough? You know, always get the ugly packages. I always get the fucking shit,

but inside the packet, even it's ugly on the outside. A couple of months later, you open it and you see what it really is and you see what it's supposed to like, mean,

and you kind of get the, Oh yeah, so I can help somebody else that's going to have the ugly packets, right?

It's not always what I want,

but it's always what I need.

And

I'm moving back to Iceland in December

and I had a house in Iceland that I just sold like a couple of months ago. And

I have two kids that live in Iceland, 19 and a 17 year old. And the 17 year old lives with a friend of mine because their dad is an alcoholic. And I don't know if it was, it was at least when he was sober 16 years, he got drunk again. And