The Palisades Speaker Meeting in Palisades, CA

Let's welcome today's speaker, Peter.

Peter,

am I supposed to talk?

That was great.

Thank you, Lewis. I'm Peter. I'm an alcoholic.

I don't like taking orders from anybody

unless you got something for me.

Nice crowd. You know, it's been like a fantastic meeting already. I want to congratulate the chip takers and the birthday people,

Emily and Rebecca Scott. I think nice going.

I've been told that there are no big deals, that there are only deals, you know, but that's it. To me, that's a big deal. 365 days of sobriety is a big deal here. I want to welcome our CUB members here. I'm a member of CUB. I don't know if you guys know about CUB, but I'll talk about it later

and our Al Anon folk I'd like to welcome them to. They saved my marriage.

I'm not bitter when I say that either.

I'm an alcoholic. That's the way we talk. You know

I'm going to start at the beginning.

July 22nd 1944 I popped out an alkyd dope addict madman

to Mary Gertrude Theresa Gallagher and stands more Farley ostling down here in Hollywood at the Hollywood Presbyterian Hospital.

And then we moved down to the beach down there to Balboa on the peninsula where I popped abalone's off the jetty and you know surfed in the ocean in my front yard caught spot fin croaker in my backyard. It was a really great place to hang out, except I was in this family, you know, that were teachers and

two loving parents. You know, I never saw. Hey, Christopher, I never saw any of my parents drunk ever in my whole life,

so it's not their fault.

But I had these brothers and sisters, five of them, Pat, Pete, Pug, Peg and Pam.

Now there's a reason to drink. You know,

my mom being, you know, not wealthy. Well, school teacher salary with five kids living in like the most expensive area in the world. I don't know how we got in there, but I felt always felt less than. I was always getting hand me downs. I was always getting a bicycle that had been painted seven times. You know, I was always getting somebody else's shoes who died.

You know, this rich guy died and gave my dad like

30 pairs of shoes and they were too small for him, you know? So I jammed Kleenex into the tips and wear them to school every day. I wore a different pair of of, of of suede tassel loafers to school. You know, I'm talking purple suede, yellow suede, and and and magenta suede, you know? Wow, where do you even get those shoes? Out of the closet? Why

you know, I always felt less than, you know, I always felt like I was had to had to overachieve just to hang out. So my dad was a PE teacher. I was the best athlete in every sport for the 1st 15 years, you know, till guys got really big

because he came home every day with the equipment and played, you know, we played basketball, baseball, football, tennis. We, he made a boxing ring in the sand. We had gigantic 22 ounce gloves. We I know how to do everything in sports and that was my deal. And so that allowed me to hang with everybody in that area. But still, I I knew I didn't, you know, I was less than

and

I was a sneak, you know, so all the kids pat poop piss head would get on the bus and we'd go to school and just before the bus I went Oh ho, and I jump off the bus, forgot my history and and I'd run in and the and busted. Wait a few minutes and I look watch out the window, watch out. And finally it had to go to school, you know, and I knew that. And then I'd open up the fridge and I take out a beer and I'd move them around so they, you know, it looked like nothing was missing. And I went.

That's the way we used to open

put on Frank Sinatras. Only the lonely

each place I go,

you know.

Oh, I was in the heaven, you know? And I love that it's just me alone and Frankie and a cocktail and I thought I was 26 on the veranda. And, you know,

Vienna or wherever, they have verandas. And

I love that. I loved hanging out there. I loved that hanging out with myself and my little buzzy going right at the top of the brain, you know? And I wasn't a boom and I was out

get as much of it in there and I'd explode as much as you could up and above the eyeball, you know? And I don't know where it took me, but I liked being there, you know? And it was other people that disturbed that area that I was in.

Not always that always got me. You know, once I got there, other people bothered me like everybody.

But I did that as long as I could. I did it for 20 something years until I was

371982 January and I ran as fast and as hard as I could and I went to college and I wasn't going to do drugs because I was an athlete

until this girl went out with and we went home and she went,

I went,

you know, and

welcome to the wonderful world of drugs. And from that moment on, you know, I started.

I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't get off that train. You know,

I really liked it. I really liked all parts of it. I like getting it. I like doing it. I like feeling it. I like the whole deal. And I'm sorry if your sister got pregnant in the process.

I your sister too.

And all the way they plugged my president, you know, they plugged him. He got to be present and they plug you. I went, all bets are off. You know, from that moment on, I didn't ask to be here. You know, might as well take whatever I want. And that's kind of what I did. And

until

January, something 19, I think it was the 8th, to tell you the truth,

1982 when I was thrown out of the pub on Santa Monica Blvd. Something about flying pool balls. Don't really remember,

jumped in my buddies borrowed Mustang convertible with my friend and we shot a cross curse on and some guy clipped the rear end. Not enough to really slow me down. I kept flying up. Curse on this fountain.

Hung a ride on fountain and he grabbed the wheel. Go. No no way. Then we crash in another guy on his way to work,

8:00 on a morning on a Monday, whatever the day it was, and my buddy jumped out of the car and ran down the street. Remember watching him go, thinking, yeah, I can really pick him. And then I look over the other guy who's not getting out of his car and coming over and asking for my license, which are the rules, you know? And so I

go over there to go, how come, what's, what's going on? He goes, what's going, you know, you ran into me. I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I said, why aren't you? I'm getting my license and stuff. I think both of my ankles are broken.

Both of your ankles. You stay right there. I'm going to take care of everything. And I did.

Cops came, the ambulance came. They took him to the hospital. That took me to jail again. And

my buddy, my drinking buddy bailed me out. I mean, the one person I could call because I owed everybody and everybody, nobody wanted to see me. My parents didn't even want to see me. They didn't even, they didn't want, you know, they, they didn't even tell me about Thanksgiving.

I know when it is, though. You know,

it's that Thursday. It's coming up.

I'll be there

and I would destroy that holiday for everybody, you know.

But Pete got his

Hong Hong, Hong Hong Fool.

It was like, you know,

you can't take him anywhere.

And

so after my buddy bailed me out, my one drinking buddy bailed me out, I came to in. What they call in the big book is incomprehensible demoralization in depth.

In other words, I didn't like Pete, you know? So I figured, well, I got to beat the judge. I got to go in front of the judge again. And so I went to the phone and I called you guys and yeah, we got a little meeting over there in West Hollywood, parking walk to it. It's a Tuesday night at 7:30,

so I put on I was weighed 250 lbs. I put on my I couldn't close the collar, put on a suit and tie, and I burped and farted my way over to this meeting

over in in West Hollywood Park. It was a candlelight book study.

It's adorable.

And you were all there. Hi. I'm Larry. Hi. I'm Mary. Hi. I'm Terry Berry. Jerry. Larry. I didn't hear one of your names, You know, I was just there for the Donuts and,

and you guys were so nice. I couldn't, I, I, I just didn't believe you, you know, something was going on. I don't know what you wanted from me, you know, but I didn't have a pot to piss in, so it couldn't have been my pot, you know, And

if I sat there and you guys were being so nice, and then Ann Blair, God rest her soul, she jumped up and grabbed me. After that meetings. I'm your sponsor and you're coming.

I went home, smoked a big old doobie, and I thought about it.

You guys were apparently trying to be nice to each other for no reason,

something I hadn't done for a long time. I wasn't nice to anybody on the lesser the little something in it for Pete. You know, I could get laid, or if I could get some money or some dope or some booze or whatever. If you could do my work for me, be great too and kind of borrow your car, could I have a little money up front?

It was like

you guys were just being nice to each other to be nice.

Some was familiar about that. I remember it when I was a kid, you know, my parents said, you know, be nice to people. In fact, help people when they need help or whatever. You know, it was familiar. I liked it. So I went back and I went to that meeting where the, the big one on Thursday nights over in Brentwood, she told me to meet her there. I took the bus and I met her there, and there were about 400 people. And Alan J was speaking.

A banker from Pasadena,

he said you can't stay sober unless you believe in God. In fact, you have to talk to God out loud on your knees twice a day.

And I remember thinking what an order I can't go through with that.

I was an altar boy. I stole from the church,

you know, I worked weddings. The guy give me 20 bucks, you know, to the other three altar boys get 5 you know,

that's guy sniffed us, you know he sniffed us and I go home with my 20 and I think I was pretty cool. So I knew God didn't like me, you know,

in fact, I ask for God's help on many occasions. Never showed up or she never showed up on time and

when I needed them.

So I I stopped believing in God. And I'm sure God didn't care about me either because he allowed me to get drunk and be put in jail and get people pregnant and all kinds of bad stuff.

So why should I pray to him?

Because if you don't make this program, if you don't pray to God out loud on your knees twice a day,

well then I won't make this program. I thought I remember thinking that, well, I just won't make this program another one that I won't make. Big deal,

this is on Day 2.

I had a pretty good attitude, I thought.

And then he said, But if you don't believe in God, you can act as if you believe in God.

Fake it.

That's what I do.

That's who I am.

I might be able to make this program. I'm thinking, oh, just fake it. Pick one your that we have a respect for. I picked the ocean. It kicked my butt on numerous occasions. I had a lot of respect for the ocean. I go to that ocean every day and get in the sand and go. Keep me sober today. I dare you. That was my morning prayer. I come back in the afternoon. I go way to go. You know, and I did that for 30 something days until I got tired of going to the ocean from West Hollywood. And so I do it in my bedroom,

on my knees and calling it God and talking out loud to somebody I didn't believe in every day, twice a day, you know, and, and and and and I would, I used to be fearless when I was drinking. I would dive on moving car windows just to scare the people.

You know, in a parking lot coming out of a bar, somebody's driving, if you die from the passenger side, you can actually land with your face right in front of the driver and he goes like that, slams on the brake, you hit the windshield, roll off, laugh and roll.

Once in a while your elbows get bruised, maybe a chin, but you scare the shit out of the purse. It's really a great one. I should do that all the time. One of my one of my athletic diving moves. You know, I love to get airborne. I love to, I love to, I love to do mushrooms basically. And are any purple powder or any psychedelic, any of those things, I like to get airborne, naked, airborne,

hopefully over water, you know, and

used to love that. I always became an Indian, you know, and very spiritual.

You hold.

I just don't love to say that you're holding.

Anyway, that went off for as long as I could stand it. And

so I'm in here

and I'm trying to get sober and trying to believe in God and trying to do everything that everyone's telling me and just scared just a big gigantic scaredy cat. Because when you take away my, you know, all of a sudden it's just this raw nerve, right? They they tell me that that, that, that, that when you drink and use for so many years that all the nerve synapses or whatever they are all they're all covered with booze and drugs. And then and it just gets number and number and number and

till nothing effects you. Hey, your mother died. Yeah. How's your mom? You know, it's like nothing, nothing gets through. You know, you're just dead and being Obama did. And then you get sober and and and it takes like 90 days for the alcohol to be relieved from the system and drugs a little longer. But and as you as you're getting sober, those synapses are kind of getting clean and they're starting to span up and pay attention. And all of a sudden, all of a sudden,

hi, how are you? Fine,

you know, it's like Oh my God, someones released that, you know, Tanzania devil inside. It's just like

all over me all day long, every morning and all the way night until somebody conks me on the head and I actually go out, you know, it's like it's a raging demon traveling through my system at all times and I'm thinking everything's really cool.

Just don't let them know that my brain is exploding.

And remember, your name's Pete.

How are you doing? Hey, fine, Pete.

You know, and trying to get through it. Just trying to get through it. And they say fuck

the promises. Don't forget the promises. We promise that you will be returned to sanity.

They don't say when

I'm changing the whole thing. I'm changing the whole deal

anyway, where was I? I was drinking.

So I just started doing what they said around here. I just started doing what she I showed up. You go to. Did you drink every day? Yeah. And go to a meeting every day. 90 meetings and 90 days. I remember thinking, impossible. No living humans ever done that.

Don't you have lives? And so I would

might by my I'm such a pork. I'm such a people pleasing pork and obsessive compulsive pork that by my 90th day, I've been to over 250 meetings. OK, you start off at the log cabin in the morning at 7:30, then architects at noon. And then you're over at Papa John's and the thing. And then you're over at the Pancake House for midnight madness. And the next morning at the bringing the barn, I bring the band who's going to go where we going now? Where we going now? You know, people would take you in between meetings because

didn't want to be between meetings. You know, I didn't like that time. What do I do now?

This is when I used to score. Oh, this is when I used to do it. Oh, this is when I used to pass out. Oh, this is when I used to, you know, whatever it was, it's like I need to be with you guys in between these meetings. Can we do that? And they would. Yeah, Come on over. We used to go over to Carolyn's house and play Trivial Pursuit every night after, after a meeting. Man, that was a manic. You know,

get a bunch of dope, attic, alcohol, Alcoholics playing trivial pursuits together.

Neighbors must have thought, whoa, what do they got going on over there? Because it was a really sweet, nice little neighborhood.

Sure, they could hear us all the way down the block. Anyway, stuff like that, you know, and I just kept showing up, kept showing up, kept showing up and stuff got better. Oh, the IRS $83,000, never even made $83,000. You know, Donald Madden, my my next sponsor because I had sex sober and found out

that's a trip and

maybe an Blair is not equipped to deal with me on this particular subject. I better get a male sponsor. And I actually believe men should have men, women should have women. But in your first year, it doesn't matter. You're not even a man or a woman. You know, you're just, you're just this babbling piece of protoplasm who's coming here going,

you know, as you start to discover what you are and

you know, you, you, you, you, you will you, you need somebody telling you, oh, by the way, the next one is over there at Radford and 5th, you know, at 6:00 and we will pick you up because you're too dumb to come, you know, So the first year it doesn't matter. Pick anybody you want, but pick somebody, get somebody. So somebody knows you're still here, you know, and you check in with that disease every day, it just gets better and better and better and better and better. You learn how to do stuff. You'll hear people from the

no hey, that guy knows how to deal with his wife. Let me check him out for a relationship. Hey, that guy pays his bills on time. Let me try that. Hey, that woman knows how to park without getting a ticket. Let me ask her, you know, And so you find these people that know how to do stuff and you start working with them and, and calling them and you become part of this thing we call a fellowship, you know, and the next thing you know, they give you this little pamphlet just for today, just for today, just for today.

Just forget that baby. Woo woo. And then just for today, I will do something nice for somebody and not tell anyone about it. And if I do tell anyone about it, it doesn't count.

Wow, that's kind of cold, you know, because I tell everybody when I do something good, and I can't tell anybody. Oh yes, you can tell yourself your higher power.

They already know you know

and try this one for a minute. So you do something nice for somebody, which means could be anything. It can even be you're at a meeting at some guys cry because there's everything problem is everything falling apart and I can't do you know you walk up. Hey, stupid. Hey,

want to have a cup of coffee? Yeah, you know. And they go have a cup of coffee and he goes. And she kept that, he told me, and I can't do it anymore. Yeah. Well, you want another cup?

Yeah. Thank you. And then you'll leave it. Oh, that was great, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, that was just great. Yeah. So, you know, you did something nice for somebody that counts,

you know, and you do that for SEC 17 days in a row and all of a sudden you got 17 little bubbles in you. You know, you do that for 27 days in a row. You have 27 bubbles in you and you're just like floating, you know, you're like the Michelin pork. You know, you're just, you start feeling so good about yourself. I did. I started feeling really good about myself

and, and, you know, and, and stuff just got better and better and better. She came back,

you know, I drove her out of the country. She came back, you know, took a peek. My house was kind of in order. She hung around, gave me my first year cake, you know,

started getting jealous of all the meetings I was going to and all the beautiful babes that were there and stuff. So, you know, I said you got a problem, sister,

And

she said what? You're the asshole? And I said no, no, no, you got a problem. You live with the asshole. Better do something about it. My sponsor told me that, Donald. So I went home and told her that. And she got, she got that. She figured that one out. She went and found that Alimon group, you know,

you know, Scientology based cloning thing hot lead in their ear. I know that I know it. I never been to one, but I know that ain't contemporary to investigation either. I I got a mind. I know what's going on in there,

Shell. I heard this guy from the podium say, you know, Alan, save my marriage.

Why did that guy have to get up there? You know, that's the problem with AA. Once you hear it, you hear it,

you know, And I had to realize Al Anon had saved my marriage and I had to stop bad mouthing them, you know, because

they did save my marriage and they helped save my marriage. And

so

they teach us stuff there at that Al Anon, I guess because she came home with this piece of information that I have to listen to her tell me about her entire day and then I get to tell her about my fantastic day, you know, so we're up to date in each other's lives. So every day she tells me about her boring ass day, and then I get to tell her about my

fantastic day. And you know, when the shit hits the fan for one of us,

the other person can help unplug the fan because we're up to date in each other's lives. And all those little resentments that build up, you know, like not putting the toothpaste cap on tight enough, which everybody knows is supposed to be tight, you know, for sanitary reasons. Otherwise, if it's squirting out of the tube and mushing onto the sink, that's not right. Creatures can crawl into that tube and live in there and explode in your mouth and you can die

so

tight. You know, some people don't put it on tight.

So instead of that resentment building up to the point where you're

I want to toothpaste machine gun them to death,

your sponsor can tell you stuff like why don't you buy another tube of toothpaste?

Well, you can even get the flavor you want.

Wow, who knew? So now there's one on the right and one on the left, one squirting, one tight. You know what I mean?

I know which one I want.

And these little resentments that build up, those are the ones that kill us, you know? And if we hold them in and hold them in and hold them in, then that person we were supposed to love, we hate,

you know, so you keep releasing those, they teach you to do that now and on. It's a pretty good deal. And we so we do that on a daily basis. And you know, she's my best friend. We have a blast. We go everywhere together, do everything together. And we've had a lot of interruptions in our lives. I found out at I'm 71. I found out at 67 that I had a little daughter. Little Daughter was 44.

You know, Singer, rock'n'roll singer, you know,

doing great, having a ball. Who knew?

I didn't even know her mother.

They mentioned the name and the name was familiar. I called a friend of mine who I went to school and that is who is that? They said, oh, that's someone who sat across from you in the history of theater class And when I never went to that class, he said, well, you must have gone once.

Now, for the last four years I've been on this roller coaster ride that's been an absolute blast with this daughter, you know, having a ball. Everything comes out, everything, all the emotions, all everything else because she was adopted and she was raised by a nice family and everything, and they died. And so she went looking for a birth daddy, which is hard to find, but she found him and we've been having a blast ever since.

And the first time I met her, I went, Oh my God, she looks and sounds exactly like my mother.

And

I like

Hi, I'm back.

This is too scary for you. We'll find a level that's not that scary, won't we? Before we

get sober all the way,

we're so close. We're so close. When do we graduate? That's what I want to know. You know, when I got to tell you this, when I first got sober, I heard it, this meet, I heard at this meeting and, and you know, we

we're not all together, all together. So I heard this guy say from the podium in Argentina,

you can drink like a gentleman after five years.

Wow, I thought. I remember thinking. I spent the whole rest of the meeting on that thought.

But I remember thinking,

I gotta go to Argentina.

I got, I gotta get, I gotta get down there soon. But now wait a minute. What if I get down there and wait five years and then I go down there and then they ask me to do five years in Argentina. I said, I gotta go down there now. I gotta get down there now do my five years so I can drink like a gentleman, you know? And so I'm sure that never happened, but in my mind, I was already on a trip and I was already drinking. You know, it's like a gentleman.

And

so be careful what you what you think about when you're in here because these thoughts, you know, you may want to ask somebody before you move to Argentina. You may want to ask a sponsor if it's a great idea and if they can really drink after five years in Argentina.

You know, ask somebody. I have my doubts. I've never been. I've never been, mind you. I have been to a A in New Zealand. I've been to a Maori meeting in New Zealand where I didn't understand a word and knew exactly what was going on through the entire meeting.

It was great. It was great anyway

today that little prayer of keep me sober today I dare you and way to go. At the end of the day, I would start adding stuff. And they said don't, don't, don't pray for yourself, you know, pray for others.

And I'm always thinking, why, who's watching? You know, you pay for my phone bill by Friday and I'll believe in you. You know, those are my kind of prayers. You get me a car and I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll think this whole deal is real.

I started asking for stuff that I needed. Give me a parking space. I'll believe you're there, you know, And so I started doing that and I started adding stuff in my prayers and I started and, and, and over over the past 33 years that I've never had to drink or use. I've, I've just continued to add And today that's, that's, that's what I do. I get up and I say, dear God, thanks for keeping me sober yesterday. Please help me stay sober today. Help me have more faith, love, respect and understanding

in myself. Help me have more patience with others. Help me be a better person, continuing to grow in all aspects of my life. Physically strong, mentally awake, morally straight. Help me to grow spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically so I can work your will at all times. For the persons who are still sick and suffering. Take care of Eileen, her family, my family, all those people we know, all those people we love and all people. Help Eileen and I grow as a couple, loving each other more every day, caring for each other, trusting, respecting, sharing, liking, loving, helping, caring, protecting, directing,

expecting, and correcting. Thank you for yesterday God. Make today a wonderful day. Go before me as I travel throughout the day, protecting me, guiding me, watching over me and all that I do. Help me be a better person and a better human being. Help me to grow as an artist and as an actor. Help me to be happy, joyous and free in all my affairs. Let me spread the wealth wherever I go. Let me make a lot of money today, God. Let me get ahead financially so I can pay off the wreckage of my past, present and plan and save for the future. Help me to grow, prosper and succeed in all my endeavors. I humbly ask you to remove my shortcomings. Make me

aware of my defects of character so I can improve and correct myself on a daily basis. Take away my fear of success, God, and make me very successful so I can share my success with others who are less fortunate. Thank you for everything you've given me, everything you've taken away and everything you've left me. Thank you for my life, God, I love you very much. And at the end, I always add whatever is going on in my life that week and talk about that. And I just been told I got two more minutes and I'm going to take those for questions. So thank you for allowing me to come and share.

You get 10 minutes, OK,

we get questions. If you got questions, stick that hand up.

You rather with it.

What do you do if you don't believe? If you don't have a thing about the God thing

I think you're seeking,

well, this is what I always say.

If I don't

try to believe in God,

nothing's going to change.

If I do try to believe in God, something might.

It was as simple as that for me because I didn't believe in God and I don't know if I do today.

I do know for 33 years I've talked to somebody I don't believe in on a daily basis twice a day. You know who's made life better for me, make it easier for me with my dis ease? I have a disease, an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind,

you know, and this eases my dis ease.

So

it's hard to be alone,

you know. And even when we were alone, we can have a friend, a private friend that we share everything with. Stuff that I don't even want to know about myself. I share with my higher power and my higher power makes it easier for me to get through it. And it can be anything. If I were just starting out, not to, you know, push anything on anybody, if I would just starting out,

I would pick a Thunderbolt because that's something I can see, I can hear, I know the power of it and that would be so cool. I picked the ocean and it's the ocean and I'll keep the ocean because it's worked for me and it's really great and fine. I don't want to make any waves,

but

wouldn't a Thunderbolt be cool? Baby, you can even wear it.

Thunderbolts is here, yeah. Anyway, good series there too.

Did I talk about anything that you wanted me to talk about?

You're going to stitch that one on perfect. It's going to go great with those stripes. So

yes, Sir,

talk about an immense what?

Talk about amends in sobriety.

Talk about amends I made in sobriety, if any. So you have to make amends.

So he's talking about asking about making amends in sobriety. And you make a list first you make AI made a list like it tells me in the steps, there's these 12 steps that are nice to work. And there's this big book, which should be great to read if you get a chance. And, and I'm hoping to finish it myself. And, and these 12 steps are the are what we work on to

achieve sobriety. And one of them is make a list,

a men's list of people we've harmed and become willing. Make a list of people who aren't become willing to make amends to them. And then another step is make direct amends to those people whenever possible, except when to do so. We'll injure you or others, you know. So if you slept with the neighbor's wife, may not be good to go over and tell the neighbor, you know, I'm sorry I screwed your wife

because, you know, he may blow your house up.

You know,

that's calling injure yourself or others. I think so.

I made that list, you know, it wasn't as long as it really was, but it was a list and I started knocking them off. A lot of mine were financial, so I couldn't really hit them all up at the back at the top because I didn't didn't have a lot of financial. So I had to start working and eventually I started paying those people off and it was amazing when I paid them off.

Most of them went like this. Oh, thank you. You know, I was, I thought they go, wow,

you're the greatest guy I've ever met you. Oh my God, that's so cool, Pete, you know, and they just all of them almost went

about time, you know, something like that. But

their reaction is not for you. You know,

your, the process is for you to forgive yourself for this, for the, for whatever amends you need to make. I first put my name on the top of the list, by the way, You know, I made amends to myself. I'm sorry. I beat the shit 'cause I used to say my dad asked me, I think it was on my like 11th birthday or 12th birthday or 13th birthday, something like that. He said he'd always ask me on every birthday. And he stopped after this one year when he when he said, what are you doing here?

You mean here? Where on earth? Yeah, what are you doing here?

That's all. And I'd make some lame ass thing and then one year I said I'm here to have it. I was. I was prepared for it because I knew I was going to get it. I went, I'm here to have as much fun as I can without hurting anybody.

And he stopped asking me that question, you know,

and I said that for years and years. Now when you ask me what I'm doing here, I say I'm here to have as much fun as I can without hurting anybody, including myself,

because I used to beat the shit out of myself and all the stuff that I used to do. And I don't do that anymore

and or at least I try not to do that anymore. And

so these are men steps,

I just went through them and and and and and kind of did them as they came. And it's funny at the beginning of sobriety, for me anyway, and going through early sobriety,

you know, when that when the when the pupils ready, the teacher appears, when the when the amends is ready, that person appears. You know, it just kept it was like that. I would run into them people at the strangest places when I had exactly the amount of money in my pocket that I owed them. Oh God, I had to run into you. Hi, keep coming back. It hurts. Works works.

Anyway, the immense step is just something you have to do and makes you feel better about yourself. So why not do it? Next question please. Table 7.

I was curious,

do you do any prayer or routine at night?

Were you here earlier?

Yeah, twice a day at that. That that long ass thing I do,

I do

Thank you. Next question,

Christopher King of swing.

32 years.

What's he talking to me?

Christopher asked. Meditation. Have I found a way to quiet the mind?

I have and I tried them all. I tried all because it says the 11th step says 11th step says sought through prayer and meditation to achieve a conscious confidence. Well, mine, I thought that was one word saw through prayer and meditation. You know, to me, I thought prayer and meditation was one deal.

I found out that it's A and in between them prayer

and meditation. So when the shit hit the fan for me, you should pardon the expression in 19, whatever it was 20 something. I was, I was five years sober and Solis Solis Celeste, Celeste was seven years sober.

And I heard her over at that Monday Yucca. And she was speaking and she was doing so great. She sounded so great and she was taking care of all of her babies and she was having a ball and she was helping others and she was, she looked great, sounded great. And I wanted to be like her because my life wasn't that good then, you know, and stuff. I couldn't deal with it. And babies, what do I know? You're smarter than me.

I can't pay them. She hates me. What do I do about that? I can't pay the house. I can't.

You know what it was like. It was miserable. So I asked her, you know, how can you do this? And you take care of everything. And I just said she goes like this.

She took a lot longer than I'm going to take, but she went.

I meditate

that that would blew my mind, you know, because OK, she's really cool. She meditates. Wow, cool. So I went home and I started every morning to meditate. I tried the dot in the middle of my head, you know, and going at golden spot and then I and then I started there reaping Mike for right Mike for right Mike for right Mike for right Mike. I find that tension and release.

I, I did, I, I did that. The the, the watching the golden thing come together in the and I, I tried everyone that I ever heard about

and they all worked

once.

You know, I try to do it the next day and nothing, absolutely nothing. You know, until I heard Jeff Bridges one day on television talking about making star man and this character he played and he said how he said, well, you know, you ever watch a baby? They're in the little babies and you got the little baby has got the car keys there and he's with the little baby and he drops it and he,