The topic of Finding God at the 2022 Annual National Conference of Drug Addicts Anonymous in Milwaukee, WI

My name is Josiah. I am an addict.

This is a new fellowship to me, so I don't know the lingo of introducing it sounds like people say recovered at it. So I'm I'm definitely recovered and am recovering. I, I like this topic. You know, it's, it's a great topic. You know, it's something that I had to come to realize in my experience, and it was a it was a painful realization and it took

a while and almost killed me that, you know, no human aid alone could relieve me in my addiction for many years. You know, I started, I started using when I was young, 1213 and you know, it's in my first rehab by the time I was 19 and I knew I had an issue. I didn't realize, you know exactly what it was, but I knew that it's probably not normal to be doing, you know, pills and, and junior year high school and, you know, nodding out and math

and teachers talking to you about, you know, the scribble, scribble your name on there is like, I knew that wasn't normal, but I, I didn't understand addiction. So I went to my first treatment and I, I was seeking things. I went to treatment. I got on, you know, the medications. I saw a psychiatrist. I was going to different Alda programming. You know, I was introduced to a a first and was hitting up a bunch of meetings. We have a, a pretty good a, a community here

in Milwaukee. So sitting a lot of meetings on the east side, which we're on the east side and, you know, just getting to know people. But I kept coming in and out, in and out. And I would, I would look to my sponsor to do it for me or I would look to this person, you know, figure this thing out for me. I didn't understand that I had to to look within and I had to work the steps most importantly.

But when I came to that realization this time around, I've been I've been sober ever since. And that was May 21st, 2013.

So yeah, it definitely works. You know, and like I said, it was it was a, it was a painful process. I don't regret any of it. You know, several overdoses and a lot of a lot of, you know, just just a lot of pain and, and, and strife that, you know, people really shouldn't have to go through. But yeah, this time around, you know, I got to work on that first step. And like it talks about in the big book, you know, the, you know, admitting to myself that I'm powerless in that

my life is unmanageable, that no human aid can help me in that. Basically, you know, if I allow higher power into my life and the guide that life, then, you know, then I can be relieved of, of this addiction. And, and that's what I did. And it was pretty simple for me. You know, I, I'm not, I really don't have like a real deep, you know, explanation of what happened because basically I went to meetings every day. I deal with my sponsor told me to do mostly not, not everything. You know, he told me to call him every day. I didn't call him everyday, but

I went to the meetings, I shared at meetings and I started working the steps and, and I, and I did it in a way that was

truthful to myself. And, and then I just kept going through all, the, all the steps, you know, all, all 12 of them I went through within nine months. And so, you know, and I know, you know, I've gone through second time around with my, my ex sponsor going through them sooner and that helped me. I would say around like the 4th step is when I noticed a significant change and that like my thinking had changed

pretty, pretty pretty much

took a totally different thought process,

you know, and I realized, you know, after I completed my 4th step, that a lot of the things I was going through was, was because of me, you know, and, and, and the way that I viewed the world and the way that my twisted thoughts and emotions would take on things and just twist them. So yeah, I, you know, that was that four step was a game changer for me for sure. But really, you know, all the steps are so,

you know, when I work with, with newcomers and, and sponsees and stuff like that,

I, my goal is to just get them connected to their higher power quickly. And that's through working the steps.

I, you know, I'll run into to other people and different fellowships. And it's like, oh, let's take a year, let's take two years. Let's, you know, make them do 50 laps around the block and then, you know, 30 push ups and then we'll work the step one and then I'll stop you for five months. I'd be dead if that. I'm serious. I would be dead

if I did not work the steps right away.

And

you know, that's, that's the only thing that will help us in this, you know, not the sponsor. The sponsor is there to guide us through that process and to help us. And the fellowship is there for support, you know, and like I said, I, I was in and out of the rooms for a long time, you know, before I got clean because I just didn't work the steps and I didn't work them in a way that works for me. So you know, I'm, I'm grateful to be clean.

You know, my life

is I was just speaking with someone right right before this and just letting them know like I'm in a period of my life, you know, I got nine years in that, you know, I, I just accepted I'm accepting who I am and that that comes with mistakes, that comes with greatness at times, that comes with thinking that I can rely on human aid, you know, and then that comes with the realization that I can't. But you know, it's it's on a day-to-day basis and it's,

you know, when I first got clean, I used to think that I was just there's this finish line and that I was just going to be ascend to like recovery heavens and all that. And that's not it. I just

learn to live with myself and to go through life and to accept life and to accept the things and not have to turn to substance like, you know, drugs or alcohol or, you know, and things like that to, to get me through or to feel like it's going to help me. And that's, that's all I really, really wanted. You know, it's just a fair shot to like look at life in a way that is manageable, you know, with the help of this fellowship, other fellowships, you know, higher power and stuff like that,

that and, and most importantly, the, the creator, you know, just staying tapped into that source as much as I can and just defining that relationship for me and how it works for me. One thing I've learned too, and then I'll, I'll close, is that we all go through the same

process, but our journeys are different. So what, you know, there's, there's a few things that, you know, steps and meetings and things like that that are required and suggested,

highly suggested. But the way that looks is different. You know, like I said, some people need to call their sponsor every single day, twice a day. In the beginning, I didn't, I was fine. I, I kept myself accountable. I just kept hitting meetings and then I go to meetings and I would let the members of that group keep me accountable too. I would make relationships, I would share, I would open up, I would stick around afterwards and, and talk to people and let them get to know me as I was getting to know myself. And sometimes they'd be able to point out things that I wasn't able to see.

And that is that's how the creator works through humans, you know, is, is to, to give those little tips and little guidances. So, you know, thankful for for Henry for asking me to speak. And I'm just, I'm excited to hear everybody else shares. So with that, I'll pass. Thank you.

Thank you, Josiah. That was awesome. And then

from Knoxville.

So my name is Cassidy and I'm a drug guy.

My sobriety day is September 13th of 2016 and

if you would have told me

on that day that I would actually like do this and stay clean, I would have told you you're an idiot. I had no intention of it at all. I'm going to like my experience that got me to the point of realizing I was beyond human aid took a long time.

I started using when I was really young. My mom moved me in with a bunch of teenagers when I was like 8 years old and left me. So I did what they did, you know? And my drug use just progressed over the years. And like, I remember for so long

being like, you know, I know my limits. Like I have control of this. Like I know what I what I can do and what I can't do. Like, I'm not gonna go overboard with it. And I don't know when it happened and when it changed. But eventually I got to a point where I did have the realization of like, this is controlling me and I'm not controlling it anymore. And that was when I got beyond human aid, you know, But it took me a long time and a lot more experiences to really admit that to myself, you know. And I think it's cool that, you know, your guys's theme of all of this is that psychic change, because that was like

crucial part and somebody pointed it out and it's the best, the best explanation for that that I have is like, I have to get real or I'm fucked. You know what I mean? Like with myself and with everybody else and with every situation all the time. And that took a long time for to happen. And like, you know, in the reading out of 133 or whatever, like with the help of other people, like that's what it took. And for me, this whole program has been such a big paradox. Like none of it makes sense at all to me.

And it's like, it's like I have these directions and these things to do, but then like to be able to do that. It's like the exact opposite, you know, like so many people that aren't in recovery or like you just have to fight it every day. You just have to, you know, and it's like, but really it's like the exact opposite. Like you just kind of have to give up, you know what I mean?

Like explaining that to somebody that has an experience, this is like impossible to do, you know? And so that's eventually what happened. I ended up, you know, asking other people to help me. And it's for me that that human aid piece is so strange because in my experience, like God doesn't ever just like come and sit down and talk to me, you know,

our experience, God through other people. And that's what's happened. And I ended up going into that treatment center and God somehow like weaseled his way into that experience with me because I was so closed off and I didn't want to consider it. And I thought, you know, another part of the book talks about, you know, they believe that like the way of belief is like weak and cowardly or whatever. And that's how it was. Like I thought like if you believed in something imaginary in the sky, like you were an idiot. That was, that was how I felt about it, you know,

and I ended up in that treatment center and like it was the most ghetto treatment center you could ever imagine being in your life. Like swear, my third night there, I had to cook spaghetti for 15 people while I was detoxing because they didn't have a kitchen staff. Like it was a rough, rough experience. But, but luckily, like the only thing we did do was people came in and did like H&R with us and people came in and told their stories. And all of these people that came into that treatment center, like they, I could tell that they had been where I'd been

and I could see something in them that was different. Like I could see something in their eyes that was like different. And I knew that they were happy and I believed them. So that like made me willing to listen, you know, And all of them said they got on their knees and prayed. And I was like, why do I have to do that? That's so stupid, you know? And luckily, like I had a counselor there and that's the little people that God worked through, right? And that counselor told me, I asked him, I was like, why do I need to get on my knees and pray? Like I lay down at night before I go to bed and I pray before I go to sleep? And he was like, I don't fucking know. But if they told you it worked,

just try it. And I was like, yeah, OK. And he called me on my shit. And he said, I bet you got on your knees for all kinds of other stuff, didn't you? And I was like,

but it was, it was,

it was true, though, you know, so,

and so I went into my room in that treatment center and I got on my knees in the first prayer was that first moment of me getting real. And I was like, you know, I don't know what you are or what you're about, but will you please help me? And I meant it, you know, and it wasn't like a perfect experience. God always answers prayers for me. And like a really, really messed up way, you know what I mean? So like my plans of what I was going to do when I left that treatment center did not work out. I had no idea where I was going to go or what I was going to do.

And I ended up like moving into a sober living and didn't go back to where I was from. And I started listening and I started following this program and I started actually doing what they told me to do. And I don't know how and I don't know why, but because of doing that, like little people said little things that like kept me going, you know, and like those experience experiences that happened, like I would get on my knees at night and pray, but like I wouldn't do it in the morning. And I went into a meeting with a bunch of old, like old men and, and I was like telling them about it.

And this man was like, put your cigarettes under your bed. And I was like, what? And he said, if you put your cigarettes on your under your bed every morning, you'll get on your knees to get those cigarettes out and you can pray and, and it worked. Do you know? And I did that and I just kept going with it and kept listening and kept like having these experiences

and you know, that that bottom that we have to get to. I think that the realization that I have to have God, that happens multiple times throughout this process for me, you know, and at first it was completely to do with getting high and with drugs and with all of that.

And then I remember getting to another place in this program, like where it had nothing to do with getting high anymore. And I had gotten so disconnected that I wanted to kill myself, you know? And like the way that God showed up for me in that moment, Like one of my favorite quotes that I've heard in this whole thing is like, genuine faith is an experiment that ends in an experience. And that's how it's had to happen. Like I just have to experiment because like, I don't believe it, you know what I mean? Like I don't believe so many things that people tell me in these rooms,

but I know that like, I can't figure anything out. And so I just have to go with it and I just have to do it. And so the, the thing that happened, you know, three years into this whole thing, I was so miserable that I wanted to die. And when I was a little, I had a teacher. And if God could have been embodied in a human being, it was that man. And he always like showed up for me and he would like take me to his house because my home life was messed up and let me babysit his kids. And he would come and Take Me Home from basketball practice so I could stay involved and do things in school.

He just showed me love and he started calling me it. And that was his nickname for me. Was it Cuz I bit somebody and it said it bit me. It bit me and they called me it.

And so

that man was like, I love that man and he did so much good for me, right And so three years into this process, I hadn't talked to that man since I was like 12 years old. And my sponsor suggested me like praying, right, because I was so miserable and she was like, you have to just keep doing it and you have to put an effort into it and you have to spend time and so I started doing that and I kept doing it. I kept doing it and finally one day I was like, I can't. And I got on my knees and I was like, if you're real, like I need you to show up and I need you to give me some kind of sign because like I'm

completely miserable and like, I don't, I don't know how I'm going to get out of this. And I left the house and got in my car and my phone went off and it said, Hey, it, I just want you to know that I'm so proud of you and I see you. And like that was that moment. Like there's little moments like that that have happened that God has shown up for me, you know, and like this whole process, like it doesn't make any sense. But all I do know is like, I have to stay connected to that power outside of me, right? And somehow these steps do that.

And it's like if I continue to work them, like I can see God in every single person that I encounter, right? But when I stop doing this process and I slack off on making those amends and I slack off on that prayer meditation, and I slack off on answering the phone and I slack off on showing up. When I start going backwards in this process, I get blocked off, you know, and the other part in the book where it talks about like human aid, it's like this, this process of these steps of like getting real with myself and like doing that fourth step and doing

fist up in doing those things. And it's like having this connection to something outside of me, right? And it's like a pipeline. And throughout my life, it's like I clog it up because of things that I do and because things that happen to me like that pop line gets clogged up. And when I do those steps, for me, it's been like pouring Drano down a clogged pipe. And the more that I do that, the more that I get connected to that thing outside of me. And when I do that, I stay able to see God and other people and I stay able to treat people the way that I would

be treated. I don't understand any of it and I don't know how it works, but I know that that's the key to it. I know that seeing other seeing God and other people is the key to all of this for me. And I do have to have help and I do have to show up. And that's why these rooms are so important. And it's why the connections with the people in these rooms are so important because that's how God shows up for me. It's through you guys. You know, I love this fellowship so much and I'm so grateful for you guys for putting on this conference. You did so amazing. And I knew like, you know, the way that you guys are organized

things, even though you're not supposed to be organized, you're really good at that.

So it's,

it's a beautiful thing to watch. This fellowship saved my ass, you know, And that was also through other people. Like I got into Knoxville, you know, and was from a tiny little bitty town, didn't know anything about riding a bus, didn't know anything about nothing. And I was horrified, you know, and like any good drug addicts, like the first thing I did when I moved into the halfway house was get a boyfriend, you know,

and, and he had the big book tattooed on you,

Like, and so I was like, I better read that book because I need him to like me.

And luckily, like he had just had a part in starting DA in Knoxville. And that's how I got exposed to this fellowship. And like to see it start out from four of us meeting in a room in the bottom of a church to grow and to spread out like all over the place and to be a huge meeting and to have like, you know, all these people that have gotten involved and all these people that I've gotten close to, just how this whole process has worked. Like it's beautiful. And I love this fellowship. I love that book. I love the literature. I think that there's something so divine to all of that,

and being able to talk about what I want to talk about freely and talk about drugs and talk about the things that I really did, honestly, that's the biggest blessing that I can think of. So thank you, guys.

Thanks, Cassidy. And lastly, we have my girl Angie.

I'm Angie. I'm a drug addict.

I don't know why I can jam needles full of dirty toilet water and God knows what into my neck with No Fear and no regard. But like, something about this podium thing and the microphone just does it to me. And you know, God lets me feel like I'm going to puke and shit myself for just long enough to where he's like, you need me, don't you?

This is like one of my least favorite things to do. And there's like two of you in here. And. But yeah, I'm scared of you because my brain is a liar and it tells me that.

I'm worse than all of you. I'm a lost cause and you know it. That's what's up is my brain is a liar and I'm a drug addict.

Good job both of you guys.

Yeah. So when you guys, I'm, I'm, I'm undisciplined and I don't like do well with directions

or like any kind of structure. So when you guys sent me that thing on human aid, I too thought that it was like talking about medical attention and doctors and stuff like that. And I was like, yeah, no, I can't. I'm batshit crazy. And I need all the help I can get and, you know, get medical attention. I need to get some more when I get back to New Orleans. But like, yeah, there's that part.

Yeah, let's get help. Medical attention, therapist, psychiatrist, all that stuff because my brain is fucked up.

Um, but the three things that I'm alcoholic and I couldn't manage my alcoholism and that probably no human power could have relieved me. And God could and would if he were sought when I first heard that. So I'm a drug addict and heroin and whiskey comforted me and saved my life. It drugs saved my life for a very long time

until I was using drugs to try to die and I was not successful.

I'm not good at staying dead like

that was the problem when I finally got into rehab in 2015. One 2015 is my sobriety date. You got the timer

's, but that was the issue of was not being able to stay dead. Back in the day, somebody would just give me a shot of cocaine or meth to like revive me. And then they came out with Narcan and that's a real, that was fuck, you know, makes makes

staying dead harder.

So I lived like that for a long time. Torture. We are really resilient, man. And I know that I see in this room all these resilient like drug addicts and we can really go through a lot of torture and pain. And we're also resilient in our recovery. So I see the same thing, us being resilient on the streets and with drugs and I see us doing the same thing in our recovery. So that's really awesome. But

very resilient. And I went through a lot of pain and torture for a long time, 2025 years. And I was talking to somebody out in the hall. Like there was a long time where I knew that I was an alcoholic in a drug. I've always been knowing that, but there was a long time before I actually quit that drugs had stopped working. And I tried to do the thing like in the book, like

take a trip, don't take a trip, add cocaine, add meth, you know, like whatever. Trying to thinking I was like some kind of alchemist or something and like making up all different kinds of concoctions

because trying to get the drugs to work again. And they didn't for forever. Like the last 10 years, drugs weren't working, probably longer than that. But like the drugs weren't working. And I went to the doctors and got all kinds of things too. Like I did it all. Trying to get the drugs to start working again. Human human aid

and didn't work. So I changed the outside of my life because I'm, I'm always thinking that if I change

the outside parts, that something will change, you know, so I like stop jamming needles in my neck and change the outside part. And got married and had a couple kids and like was domesticated and lived inside and, you know, wore clean clothes and stuff and thought that like that was going to do the trick. And it, what that did was just like basically like prolong some stuff and like change the consequences around. But I had a lot of people. I got a DUI with my kids in the car and like

I was always getting into a lot of trouble, but I had people there to like sweep, sweep my mess up for me until all my shit hit the fan late 2014. And my baby daddy my I got hurt and got prescribed Percocet and I was like, ooh, you know what works better than Percocet? Like for pain, you know what's the best for pain here, try some heroin. And

like when they say that our thing, our our, our shit goes right back to where it was where I left it, It was true. Like I had taken

a break from heroin for a while and was like only drinking wine out of glasses and like smoking good bud and like that was sober to me back back then, if you would have asked me what sober was, it was that just as long as I wasn't like doing this, I was sober. Like all the other stuff was fine. So that's what I had been doing. But this was a fine opportunity for me to introduce him to Arrow. And from that point on, it was just a couple of months that down downward spiral and

the drugs and the alcohol

had like comforted me and taken away some of the pain. But when that shit hit the fan and I lost my kids, that was a heartbreak that the heroin and whiskey was not going to take care of it. Like wouldn't work. I could not, it wouldn't numb it. I couldn't do enough drugs, heroin to take care of that pain. And I couldn't, it wouldn't even get me high.

And I was talking to somebody last night, like I'm really grateful that I did drugs when I did because we at least like had some like good dope, like good heroin, like really grateful that I got some good drugs out of my life

because like that probably had something to do with it. Like the drugs weren't working. And that's because they, the, the heartbreak, but also shitty drugs. But like the heartbreak, it wouldn't work. I couldn't shoot that pain away. I couldn't drink that pain away and I couldn't die. I couldn't die. I overdosed one time went to they like took me to the ER and I pulled the the the Ivs out went out to the parking lot, overdosed in

parking lot, went right back into the ER that I just like I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. Overdosed again, weren't went right back into the DER that I just left a couple seconds ago. Like that's that. That's how hard I was trying to get drugs to keep working for me and to die and it wouldn't. I didn't know I didn't know that God was like in this thing because, you know, organized religion hate for God either. God is like this

evil little puppet puppet master that's like like playing experiment with us or he's non existent. Or

I also think that like thought that people that had some kind of blind faith were just like ignorant. Like how, how Can you believe in something that you can't see? Like, oh, you have faith? And I was really defiantly disrespectful of anybody that had faith for a really long time. And I, I realized later on is because I was jealous of that faith and

I was just, but I didn't, I didn't have that like experience until years into my sobriety because OK, so let's OK, can't stay dead.

So that heartbreak lawyer said go to rehab. So I'm like, go into rehab absolutely knowing nothing about these 12 steps. I'm just thinking that maybe maybe if I can go into the rehab and get a paper signed, I can get my kids back. That was the motivating factor. I absolutely didn't think this thing was going to work for me because I am a lost cause and I'm wait, fuck God and like that, this isn't going to work for me. But maybe I can stay sober long enough just to trick a judge into like, whatever.

And

so that's what I did. And then I, I had all of the fight beaten out of me. I was like 84 lbs crawled in there, couldn't make a complete sentence because that last overdose, I was dead for a really long time. And he gave me a stutter and I was just like, it was a shit show, man. I couldn't make a complete sentence. You know, I couldn't. Yeah, it was bad. And so they said get a sponsor. So I did that. I got a sponsor who

work the steps with me fast too. I would have died if if I hadn't had the, the oh, oh, that went fast. The steps worked with me fast. And when we got to that part of the three things, the ideas, 3 pertinent ideas. She told me that she had a first edition big book that we read out of a lot with all the must and stuff. I really like the 1st edition of the big book because there's not a there's less wiggle room in there. I don't do so well with like suggestions

and like, open, like open, do whatever you want. Like I needed at that time to be have her tell me you must do this, You must do this because I wasn't, I wouldn't have listened any other way. And she told me that if I wasn't convinced on those three things that I might as well either like, reread that part or throw the book away. Like, so I was convinced. I was not convinced about the God part. But she was like, just make the decision. Like, so I made a decision. It was a lie. Like I was just like, fuck it. Yeah, OK,

make a decision. And I didn't believe that decision, but I continued to take action and work the rest of the steps.

And uh, weird thing is, is that that thing and the 12th step that says as a result of working these steps, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of working in steps that like happened. And

I had a psychic change, which I was freaked out about when I first heard that because I was like, Oh my God, like, where are the dudes with the robes? And should I really thought this was I have I almost like adopted by a cult when I was a kid. And so

like really thought this was it is a cult, but there are no robes. But like I kept thinking that like the creepy people were coming out soon and you know, going to like with the robes and take me to the back rooms, but it hasn't happened yet. But but psychic change. But what held me on to that was

they read, she read the the thing in the back where it explains and defines what a spiritual experience in a spiritual awakening is and what a psychic changes. And that's just like a change

in my behavior. And so by working the steps, I started taking responsibility for my stuff, which I'd never done before. The only times I've ever said I was sorry was when I'm busted red handed or like if I'm trying to get like a lesser charge or like before the judge or like I think that it's going to make the the consequence or the punishment softer. OK, I'm sorry. Like that's what I thought taking responsibility was. And like claiming responsibility,

I didn't know that I was going to be doing that and that I would be then given the opportunity to stand on my feet and now as one of God's children and look another person, another person in the eyeball and take responsibility and apologize and start writing those harms. Because there's a lot. And I always think it's weird when I hear y'all like say that you're done with your amends. I think you're either lying or you aren't fucked up enough to be in here. Like, I don't think I'm ever

be done making amends, especially not the way that I act. Like I make, I have to make amends every day because I'm rude and horrible. And

so like I make those amends every day, but

I, I also don't think that I'm ever, I'm, I have the rest of my life to make living amends for all the chaos and mayhem that I, that I caused to those children that I lost, that that catapulted me into this thing.

Um, but yeah, what is it too, um, amends. Yeah. Standing on my feet and getting to look the world in the eye. And there's like a freedom that comes from that. And I did that's like so trippy. This whole thing is so trippy. It's a mild, like a mild peyote like trip. A lot of this stuff is

and Oh yeah, the God thing. So I screamed in the rooms for like a couple of years and I was like screaming and crying.

I got up to pick. I don't remember whatever year chip that was. And the dude next to me that was also picking up a chip was like so grateful for God and the rooms and like La La la. And I was still like so lost and hadn't made that like I, I was so caught up with like meeting to define who God was and like I needed to have my God look like your God. And I heard you guys talking about these awesome relationships that you had with God and I, I didn't have that,

just was searching, searching. And it was rageful for like the first couple years and you guys just kept throwing weird books at me and like

read, read, read. And I, I was willing. Willingness has saved my life. I was willing to read all those books and just keep searching and keep praying prayers that sometimes I don't didn't believe I was praying to anything or they felt empty to me. But I just kept doing it. And then one day

and I made-up, I might go a couple minutes over my bed too. And I made-up like when I was in a very ghetto ass rehab as well.

When I was in that rehab, the girls would be floating around like, oh, I just had a spiritual experience. And I was like, I feel like I need to have like a spiritual experience, sorry. And I would see like three birds flying and I'd be like, oh God, it's three birds or like all this stuff. And I was like manufacturing these spiritual experiences because I was trying to like fit in or something. But it actually like took a long time for me to get some kind of like a conscious contact with God where it no longer mattered who God was.

It didn't matter. I didn't need to go out of my way to define that my God was not a Christian God or like define who God was. And it didn't matter the story. OK, So that we had a hurricane. I was a couple years sober and I had planted some lilies and sage. So I started planting lilies and sage. Those are my kids. And I started planning, planning those everywhere in New Orleans as like homicide prevention at the time, because I was in a very brutal court,

court thing for my kids. And instead of shooting up the judge and shooting the pipe, I started planting sages and Lily everywhere and documenting it and doing this thing. And then it turned, it started as homicide and suicide prevention and then turned into a whole another beautiful thing. But I had planted these Lily bulbs and everything in the backyard had been destroyed,

just destroyed everything. And I walked in there and the only thing that was standing were these crying them lilies. And they were like untouched man.

And I just started spinning, you know, I was floating. Yet some of these experiences are very profound. Some of them are gradual and like, I don't realize it is, it is just changes in behavior. But some of them are like very, this was very one of those where the thing was spinning in the ground was shaking and I was like, what the But it's teetering on like, oh, oh, is this like, have I finally broken? And like I need to call my sponsor and like get her to get my dog and like because I'm going

psych ward. Or is this just God? Like it feels very much the same to me a lot of times. Like there's one second where I'm like, oh, panicking. But it was in that moment

about four years ago in that I was about a couple years in where it just didn't matter. I was like, oh, OK, cool. Don't have to define this thing. Let me just roll with it. Never since then, it's been a wild trip. Thank you for having me. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for introducing me

to God, which is weird that I even talked about him. Love him, trust him, have faith in him, or yeah, I don't know what else to talk and say, but that's it. Thank you.