The Brentwood Beginners Workshop in Los Angeles, CA

Now, let's welcome tonight's speaker, Louise C

Thank you.

I'm. I'm Louise, and I'm an alcoholic. I hope I didn't mess up the tape anyway. OK,

I'm losing. I'm an alcoholic and I want to thank Denny for having me here tonight. And it was fun to walk in and see a lot of people that I know and and thank you for your warm welcomes. OK, let me synchronize my watch so I'm not kicked out at the last minute.

I my sobriety date is August the 8th, 1993. I don't know why that is my sobriety day because there were many other reasons prior to that that God, it was a good idea. She ought to get sober, you know, and change her life.

Ah, but it, it was just that, that little window that came that morning and, and I just, I just though that pathway and I just followed it and I want to keep it. So I just do whatever is asked of me. I do a lot of what I don't feel like doing a,

I take a contrary action and I, and as a result of that, you know, my life is pretty balanced out and it feels good. I was, I grew up down in Venice with my mom and it was just the two of us and she was Scottish. She was from Glasgow and she had really thick Scottish accent and she, she sat on the edge of the sofa, she drank, she knitted really fast. She watched

TV, she drank really tall drinks and talked on the phone

and, and took sleeping pills and could never sleep. So this was like her routine. And I sat on the shake carpet in front of the TV and played with all my Barbie dolls. I just love my Barbie dolls. And I just got rid of them about three years ago and it sent them down to Mexico because I have a stepdaughter and God forbid she's going to be playing with those, you know, because I get a little jealous still sometimes. So I just, I don't want her playing with Tuesday Taylor and spinning her head around. And so anyways, I just, I sent him somewhere else. But I,

you know, it's just a shy, quiet little girl. And my mom, she just adored me. She just wanted to love her daughter. And I just, I was always presentable. She just had always had me on display. And my, my friends would come over, we had a lot of kids in our neighborhood and they would come over and they would say, what is she saying? And I would translate. My mom would do this kind of thing, you know, take me in the other room and she says, what the bloody hell are you doing? And I said, well, I'm translating. They don't understand you. And she goes, it's bloody English. You could tell them to get it ahead. And I'm like, Oh my God, you know,

restarting and they just asked, you know, can I have some water or something? I mean, just weird. So anyways, that's just how it was. And so I enjoyed going over to your house and I didn't care, you know, if your dad was beating your mom. I mean, I felt bad for her, but it just, I didn't ask any questions. I was a really good friend. I just because I didn't want you asking questions when you came over to my house. Like, where's your daddy? Because honey, I don't know. I don't have an answer to that. We can ask a lot of questions in our house. So you couldn't ask. If you can't ask what's for dinner, you can't ask, you know, who's my daddy. And

I just knew, you know, you got to be quiet around Sadie because she's got to just stay, you know, calm and smooth. So when there were a lot of Scottish people and Irish people that were in our little neighborhood and the ones that are still alive, still live in their little homes down there in our, in our old neighborhood. And every Saturday night I would watch my mom get ready. We, she was always wallpapering and fixing up the house and stuff. And we had this, we shared this bedroom and it was all that white furniture from Sears with the little gold on it and stuff and the canopy.

And we had these big floral wallpaper all over and stuff. And she put Engelbert Humperdinck on the radio and her album and she's never tall, you know, her highball and stuff. And this is like in, in the 70s, she found that, you know, blue eyeshadow and, and do her hair. She was very tall and blonde and she had beautiful blue eyes. And she wore those long kind of gowns that women wore in the in the 70s and stuff and Engelbert singing. And she's drinking her highball and smoking her cigarettes and putting on all her makeup and doing her hair

twist and stuff. And we had one of those on the dresser, the Styrofoam head, you know, with a little hair piece on it and stuff. It's just picked up from the hairdresser that day, you know, because she's, you know, it's Saturday night, party night and stuff. And anyways, then she'd finish her drink, she'd go over here, she gets a little hairpiece on. We'd be really quiet. You know, she so was on, you know, super steady and straight and stuff and put, you know, put all the pins in and go to that tall can Aqua Net and just lacquer the whole thing up. And so just I still have bad cough, you know, with that today

convinced it's her fault, you know, and was on the force first four step anyway. So oh, all that when they said let loose on that four step. I did everything. You know, Sean star is stealing my first Barbie doll. You know, I kicked that kid every chance I got and and it felt good. I didn't have a drink yet, but that's how it felt felt good. So in my and then when my second sponsor said you're a bully, I thought happened a nice girl like me. How could I be a bully? And

anyway, so, you know, my mom would finish getting all ready. She'd put on her little Estee Lauder Youth Do perfume and and she'd look over at me and she'd go, right, come on, we're going over to the party.

And, you know, all the Scottish and Irish people would take turns, you know, at each other's houses and stuff and, and someone would bring a microphone like this, a little speaker and a drum or two sticks. And that was Uncle Mike and he was the band. They called him the band. And and then everybody brought their own big bottles and, and they'd have their names on them and the record player, their little records with their names on them and stuff. And, and they just have a good time. And you go around and hug and kiss all your aunts and uncles because my mom say, you know, we're all related through the drink. And those are aunts and uncles and it just,

and so I had one aunt, my mom's one youngest sister with that was in this country. She's the only one that came here besides my mom. And that would be there too. And anyways, they, they would tell stories in the microphone, would go around and sing their songs and stuff. And when auntie would sing her song, she was like a little teaspoon drunk, you know, just a little bit. And she's gone. I mean, she's gone. It's like a shame. What a waste, you know? And

it was just it's like suffering to watch her, like try to drink and and then she's singing, you know, You know, Stella by Starlight and she want to be a performer and her teeth would come flying out

And then Scottish people just had a bad time of teeth. And so, you know, Uncle Mike would do the sticks on the drums and and he'd say, Daddy move in has lost your wallies and that's teeth. And so then he's go, ooh, doesn't move. The duds got him the dogs chewing on him like ride in order and stuff. And my hands very feisty. Even at like 80, she's 83 today. She's still feisty and still has that dream of being a performer. I don't disappoint her. And so she ever wants to sing. I let her. But I kind of, you know, you got to watch it if the

gonna fall out. But anyway, so she would just get him and dunk him in someones drink and put him on and finish her song. And so anyways, then people just got over that real quick. And then I, my mom would sing and they just all were very happy people until like it was like two or three in the morning and someone mentioned the Pope and we weren't Catholic. The rest of them were. So I thought the Pope, I really thought it was a bad word because nothing good came out of anybody saying something about the Pope. They just kind of look at each other and the eyes would go and get real quiet and then you'd hear the Irish one go, oh, Jesus, Mary,

Joseph, there's going to be a fight. And then boom, you know, it started and they're outside and my moms out there hitting men. It's the only time I ever saw her have contact with a man. It's just

God now I know she must have some resentments going and in all the little Al Anon Auntie's or you know, they got the kettle on stack of sandwiches like that and just trying to get everybody in. All the kids want to be outside and watch because it's the action and stuff and the next day everybody comes and helps clean up and they're all friends again. It's just the way they roll. You know, they

just that like that and, and they're very supportive. Like if someone was going, I mean, we were going to Scotland a lot and the whole, they would all caravan and, and take you to the airport and when you were coming home, they would all be there 'cause you can go to the gate then and stuff. And they were just like this, this sweet little community that had its quirks. And

anyways, I was about, I don't know, 1314? It was summertime and my friend Joanne and I heard about a band that was going to play in a backyard in Venice. And we thought, well, we better go, 'cause now we're getting into boys and stuff. And I just had a thing for geysers, really long hair and all that. And anyway, so I picked her up on my cruiser and we, we ended up at a liquor store. Someone bought us 2 balls of Boone's farm. And then I don't know if we went alley by Bush what, what we did. But I cracked that bottle open. I didn't know

was, but it was a nice size and that made me kind of happy. And then I just started drinking that Boone's Farm and it didn't taste that grape. And I just love the feeling instantly that it produced to my body and how it just what it did to my brain. And I just felt so happy. And in Joanne spitting it up, she's gagging. She's only got the neck down. I feel so sorry for her and because it was clear that it wasn't doing anything for her, but it was doing a whole heck of a lot for me. And

anyway, so I finished her bottle and for some reason she got on the handlebars. Let me drive the bike after 2 balls of Windsor.

So we may do that part. I don't remember much, but I remember like, you know, meeting this guy and he was this drummer in another band. So and he was a lot older than me. And anyway, so, you know, I don't know if it was a few days later when it was he comes cruising along on his bike and I'm all ready to go out and and my moms looking out her her curtains going. You're not going out with that now. And he had this long scraggly hair these bandanas these, you know, he just looked like a scruffy thing and I loved it and I thought you bet I am. So I got

there, I jumped on those handlebars and we went down Lincoln Blvd. Joe's Liquor and he said, OK, wait out here and and I did and he came back in out and he had a big brown bag and he said, hold on to this. And I thought, okay, you know, and I looked inside it was a big bottle. It was clear and it said 151. And I didn't know what that was if I just thought, wow, OK, and it's big. So I got excited. And then there was a 2 liter bottle of Coke, a bag of ice and

so romantic, two cups upside down on the neck.

And I just thought, you bet I will. I just got really excited that you bet, I'll hold on to this. And then the way we went down Lincoln Blvd. you know, up, up, superb pen Mar. And I thought, Oh my God, I remember summertime, you know, it's just, you know, Suns just going down from from the day And I holding on to this, I can smell his hair kind of whipping in the wind, you know, And I thought, oh, I've no idea where going, but I thought, wow, what a lucky girl am I? I'm going on a date

so excited. I'm so thrilled. And I didn't even know, like what? You know? No, my mother never sat me down and told me what a date. You know what you do

Anyway, so we end up at Penmar Park and he pulls up, you know, to a bench and

takes the bag from me and starts pouring some drinks. And gosh, I just loved it. I didn't know like what was going on, but a ton of kids show up and it was kind of like those those places you start where you're going to you may you may even end up there. Or I go right into a blackout. It's like they drew a genie show. Blink. OK, here I am, you know, blink. Oh, I'm talking to you, you know, blink. Oh, now we're at the beach and you're not my boyfriend. Like what happened? You know, like, like the scene and the people have changed and but I never cared

kind of exciting, you know, just go with it. And that's what I did. You know, I always was coming out of blackout and I came out blackout was blonde. I had no idea how that happened. And I got out of the shower and I was just at the beach all day and and I was like, Oh my God, you know, I was just just blonde and and then it turned orange and I had to shave it all, you know, just really cut it short and stuff. And it was that supersonic. If any remember that from the 80s and it says, you know, you spritz it in enhances your natural highlights. So I poured the bottle on somebody told me on my head is out there in the sun all day and, you know,

do weird stuff like that. And just, you know, I came out blackout once. I was in a golf cart and it was nighttime and I thought, well, I didn't know you can golf at night. You know, I was like, really like confused, like do these things like glow in the dark or like, like, how do you And we're not even in a in A at a golf course. It's a parking lot. Like I was really confused. But that's the thing. You can't let them know that that was always those secrets. Can't let them know that I got to just act like, you know, Oh yeah. And the guys like, do you see it? And I'm thinking, I guess I'm looking for a golf ball. You know, I was just so weird

and it was like it didn't click till later, you know, I had been at a concert and I lost my car and the guys driving me around, you know, on this thing. So it's just, but to connect all those dots, it's so confusing because you can miss days and not even know like what the heck? And so I could be talking about something happened 3 days ago and they're like no, you're here now or something. And it's like really weird. So it was awful confusing but it was very exciting to me to always be drunk and being a blackout. It was so exciting to me, but it wasn't to my mother. I can tell you that

she would. She started just, you know, locking the doors at night. She didn't want me in. Oh, do you need some?

Oh, is there a doctor here?

Okay,

OK,

well,

does he?

OK, so

badge, we say prayer.

OK, all right, well okay, maybe we should just have a moment of silence and say a little prayer. Okay, let's bow our heads and do that, please, okay?

OK,

Danny, I have a water if you need water.

This hasn't been open.

But then

go ahead. OK, All right, We'll, we'll try, we'll try to do the best we can here so bad. OK, so

alcoholism took me down really quick, but but I just kept going. When I was 15, my mother, I came home one day because she started double bolting the doors and I wouldn't let me in. I would stay away for weekends. I love going down Ensenada. You can forget about stuff down there, you know, you come back with a whole set of new problems, but you can forget about everything, all the ones going on your way down that you've got and remember coming out of a blackout. I knew I was down there, but I came out of a blackout. It was morning, you know, those mornings you'd come to

and like your head is pressed against something. It's either sand, dirt, grass, you know those sharp blades are horrible and or, you know, this time it was, it was something hot. It was hot metal and, and I came to and

I felt the sun beating on my face and it was hot metal. And when I when I looked around, I was in the back of a pickup truck and alley and I have no idea how I got there. I had no idea like who's nothing but I, I never like stopped to kind of try to figure it out. It was like I got to get out of here and get going, you know, because who knows who's going to come back If someone I didn't know what happened And still to this day I don't. There are a lot of those things. And

anyway, so,

so my mom was, she was locking the doors and from the inside, so I couldn't get in. She had all new locks not put on. And because I was harming her and we just, we weren't getting along at all. And I came home one morning. It was probably about, I don't know, five or six in the morning. She was sitting there and she just took one look at me. I was 15 years old. And she said, you can't live here anymore. You're just breaking my heart. I can't, I can't go through this anymore. And and she probably did like the bravest thing a parent could do is just like

here without having any al Anon any tools in her, she just surrendered and said, I can't live like this and therefore you can't live here. And I called some people and it took a few phone calls and somebody took me in. And this family, I lived with them for a little while and they were very kind to me. And but I wasn't any different. I was still doing the same thing. And they one day they came to me and they said, you have to go. You know, our our home has no harmony in it anymore. There's no peace here with you and

remember, right, I'll scratch my head thinking what's wrong with these people? I just want to have a good time, you know? I'm a nice person

and like, what's their problem? You know, they're pretty boring. I just had this all this judgment is the time like I'm moving boxes and I'm the one that's homeless and, and, and they're in their home just comfortable. And then I lived with another family and I lived there for a little while and the same stuff is happening. And then they asked me the same thing to leave. And I finally, I went back home. I didn't tell my mom that I had gotten removed from all those, those other homes. And she let me let me come here. And it was not, it was wasn't any, nothing was different.

And I, we went to Scotland, we came back and she was feeling really sick and she went to the doctor and she was diagnosed with cancer and she,

she died within six months. I was still drinking. That's when I wasn't coming home a lot. I, it was probably,

it was really embarrassing to ever admit what kind of daughter I was to my mother while she was dying. I thought I would never, ever tell anybody how I was. I never took care of her. I think I fed her once and I gave her one bath. I just, I, I couldn't do it. I, I couldn't see any farther than here. It was all about me. I had so much going on in my head. I didn't know how to be of love and service until I came here and you showed me how to do that. I didn't know how to care for anybody

when I when I got sober. My mom died July 3rd, 1987 and it took me quite a number of years to get here. And when I got here on August the 8th, 1993,

the woman who made the 12 step call on me said you need to, you need to get commitments. And I didn't know she was so excited about that. And I didn't know what that meant. Like, why are you so excited about me? Like picking up stuff off the ground. And she said that's how you're going to be sober. You're going to stay sober today because you thought of others. You, you cleaned up your meeting place. You've got a little job.

And I just kept doing that. I, I went to like two and three meetings a day. I went to mistake. She said it's really important to go to a stag. I did that. Oh, good, they're here. And, and so anyways, and she said you have to go to women's stake. Those women are going to get to know you because if you can't get a hold of me, you've got a whole phone list of all these women and they know you. And so it's not so hard to pick up the phone. And that's what I did. And those women saved me. You know, they were quite a crew of women and,

and then I would just tell myself whatever I was doing at the time and, and I was just, you know, I thought, OK, I'm sober. I haven't taken a drink like in, you know, 30 or 60 days. I should be fine now, you know, everything should be good.

And it was they would just laugh at me. So it's like, why am I doing this? Like I can't go to the market again, anxiety attack me. I go into a cold sweat. And this old timer Gloria, she said, is that the same market you went to when you were drinking? And it's like, well, yes, the market in my neighborhood. And she'd say, then you need to go to a different market, even if you have to drive 5 miles away, go to a different market and and don't go through the liquor department. And you know, she told me all these,

all these tools for living.

Sorry.

So

to keep going, keep going.

To obey.

Yes,

OK.

Birthday.

What's that?

OK, Oh who? Thank God they came and got him really fast, you know, so well he wasn't by himself anyway, so okay, it just

anyways, when I came here to you, I was told a lot to get commitments and I thought that that was a really weird thing to do, but I did it. I did it. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to go back to drinking. I wanted to be sober and so I did whatever you told me to do. I,

I went to a lot of meetings.

I didn't like it. I wasn't happy. I wasn't, it wasn't like, oh boy, I'm going to go to me tonight. But I couldn't wait to get to the meeting for this purpose. I wanted to hear whoever was sharing. I wanted to hear what you were like. I needed to hear that. I needed to relate to that. So then when you said what you were like today, you gave me hope and then I could do the commitment. You know, in this Women's Day, we had

this crew of women. There was Debbie, she was waiting for Pager 'cause she was waiting for,

for a liver and, and then she did the coffee and it was just this little coffee, Mr. Coffee thing from CVS. And so they said, Louise, you better take on the coffee because if Debbie gets the call, so, you know, God forbid there's no coffee at the meeting. You know, we're going to take on that coffee. And I thought, Oh my God, okay. And, and it was just this little crew of women, this round Robin kind of meeting. So I, you know, I went home with Mr. Coffee and I started practicing because, you know, it's all about me. That's what I do.

And so I'm practicing and it's making a lot of noise. You know, something's going on with this. It's it's broke. I just know it. And I, I always would call Debbie. They kind of assigned her to me. And I would call her. And I'm like, you know, Deb, I know you're waiting for a liver, but like, I got a problem right now that needs an answer. Like, you know, so we need to focus on Wheezy now. And. And she would just laugh at the end of the phone and I'm like, listen, it's making noise. You know, it didn't do this when you were making coffee. She's like, well, yeah, because you weren't consumed with, you know,

with me making the coffee because you're too busy thinking about yourself. And. And so anyway, she's like, don't worry about it. There's just so weird, like those things that I would get so twisted up about, you know, just so twisted up. And

and then I got when I was about 3 1/2 years sober, I was really afraid I was going to drink again because it was sounding really good. I was breaking dishes in my house. And the feeling that I got from breaking those dishes was like a feeling after I cracked open a 12 pack of Mickey's big mouth, you know, it was just a good sigh. And I thought, that's coming next. I just know it. And so I called this woman I had met at a conference named Rita and I went to, she was part of the Pacific group. And so I went there and she told me what meetings I was going to, what I was going to,

how early to get that, you know, achievements, this whole rundown of what to do. And I thought, Oh my God, I drove away with what the heck did I get myself into? Oh my God. Well, I got to tell you, I just surrendered to her and she saved my life from three to like nine years of sobriety that I had. Then she moved away and I got another sponsor, but she made me go through those steps again. She she made me be of service outside of the room. So those commitments I had, I now had to take a commitment out into other areas of

life. She said, who is in your family that you could be of service to? And there was this lady. And I just want to tell you this story. And before I stop. And she her names Deary and I knew her since I was like 6 years old. And she was this little old lady. And she was like my adopted grandma. And I called her dairy. And this older she got the littler she got. And she was just this cute little doll. I mean, she was the sweetest thing. And she drove this big old Lincoln Continent. And all you saw was a little white poof at the top. You know, when she's driving down the street. She lived up in a big house in Malibu off the Cliff. I love going up there

just listening in the ocean, you know, we'd snuggle up at night, just hear the ocean. And she was like a dream, this little lady. And she loved Christmas. Like she would come down, you know, from her house within her big Lincoln and she'd have all these hefty bags. She was like anything, what the heck is in here? And it was like all like,

look what Santa Claus is bringing, you know? And she was just socially a little kid, just loved it. And Deary was getting older. And her daughter, who I call my Aunt Ruth, they just lived a few doors down from each other in the same place my mom and I grew. I grew up. And anyway, so I thought, oh, dearie, because, you know, Aunt, Aunt Ruth probably needs help. So I called Aunt Ruth and I said, can I come over and stay with Deary? And why don't you go out for dinner or something with a girlfriend? Because she was kind of like tied to having to take care of her. And all there was was silence on the phone. And I thought,

what's wrong? You know, Oh my God, am I doing wrong? You know what I mean?

And like, I gotta call Rita and, and she's like, really?

It's like, yeah. And so I did. I, I went down. She just went to a quick dinner. She's back like an hour. And I, I think there just wasn't that trust, you know, for this. And anyways, so I always, I did it regularly all the time. And before I knew it, Aunt Ruth calling me, you know, I'm going to go to Palm Springs for the weekend, You know, he's come down. Take care of Deary. Fine. And now it's Italy for two months, you know, I mean, it became my wall boy and

but you know,

I loved it. I, I would stayed at Ruth's apartment and take care of dairy during the day and at night. And Tucker, I tuck her in. I would, I get in the morning and go down to see her because the night before, now I know how to make the coffee because you taught me. I had that woman's commitment at that stay. So I knew how I'd set up her coffee the night before and I'd have her little, her little coffee cake and what she liked. I'd have it all set up for her. So in the morning, I'd go in and she'd already eaten, eaten and drank her coffee

and she would be sitting watching TV and I'd go in and she would ask the same question over and over and over, like where's Ruth? And I would think I'm doing something wrong. You know, it's all personal. And and I call read and I'm like, I'm doing something wrong. You know, she keeps asking for Aunt Ruth. She keeps asking me all these other, you know, she had short term memory loss and and read and I said, this is getting on my nerves. You know, I can't take this. And, and she said, you know what, you

're you're a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. You're a sober woman today. You have to behave with love and service.

You have to go in there. And when she asked that question, you have to turn your, your, your memory off that she's already asked that and that this you have to react to her as if it's the first time she was asking this question and give her the answer with joy and love. And I thought, Oh my God, like what an order, you know, And so I thought, okay, you know, I can do this. And she said, think about all those things this woman's done for you because that switch goes off. You know, all the time in my alcoholism that switch would go off. I wouldn't think about will keep the kindness that people gave to me

and the patients people have for me. And so I had to do that for dairy. And I'd say, OK, we should go one watch a movie and I'd say, sure. And I say, OK, what do you want to watch? And because I knew the answer. And she said, put my John Wayne movie on Donovan's reef. We'd watch that since I was five times a day, you know, through the night, watch it over and over. And I had I watched it like it was the first time we were watching it and stuff and, and, and then at night I'd make her her dinner.

I would run the bath and, and I would give her a bath. She had her favorite little talent. I wash her back and just massage her. Do what? Do her hair

and, and I dry her all off, put her little pajamas on her and I'd sit her in her chair and I would do her nails and, and put lotion on her face. And she's always feels so good and, and, and rubber feed and, and just pamper her, you know, and, and then this one night, you know, we're doing our same little routine. And I was sitting on the floor in front of her chair and we're watching Donovan's Reef. And

anyway, and she's, she's just, I had long hair at the time. She's just, you know, doing this with my hair, you know, rubbing it and stuff. And, and I looked up at her and it was like all of a sudden,

her memory, she was there and she was looking right at me. And she said your Mama would be so proud of you today.

And I was just like, whoa, that was like that for me. That was like a spiritual experience completely. And I couldn't wait to tuck her in to go back to Aunt Ruth and called Rita. And I said, I told Rita about it. And I said, I can't believe this because you're saying to be of love and service to to others. And I'm doing it. But I feel like I feel better, you know, like I'm getting the prize out of this whole thing. And

and she said you're just one of God's kids taking care of one of God's kids. You know, you're giving back

and that's what we learned to do here. And she said, and then she get that serious voice and say, you know what, Louise, a drunk like you, you got to keep doing this stuff. You can't stop. You got to go, go, go. And so I've been going go and go and ever since. And anyways, I think that's my time, so I'm going to stop. Thank you.

OK, anybody have a question that I hope I have an answer to?

Oh,

he said, you know, or your father was what he said. So how would you face that?

But how did I face that riff

in recovery? Oh, OK, OK. The question was that I never, I knew that I never knew my father. And then how did I face that once I got into Alcoholics Anonymous? Right. Okay, so

not well, not well. I, I was, I was very angry. I was very angry at my mother for never telling me. I got escorted out of the hospital when she was dying because she would not tell me. I was asked to not come back because I was

I was bullying her and she would not tell me and my aunt would never tell me. And I, when I got to Rita and did another inventory, she had me write a letter of a man's to my father.

And I, I learned early on, you don't debate and you don't, you don't negotiate with yourself. I'm asking someone for their time and it's somebody obviously they have what I want. So in my head, I, I, I need to just surrender and have a little trust there. And, but I drove home thinking, didn't you remember? I don't know the man like what's what, what are women's do I owe here? But I thought, you know what, I'm just going to say a prayer and I'm going to write this letter and I still have it. I keep it in the side of my my bed and and

I just started off. I don't know you and I don't remember the whole thing, but it was.

But as I got to the end of that, I realized I have held every man that has come into my life, not on a, a just just going to the hardware store, like I will beat you up. I, I have held every man accountable that I have come into contact with for having a chip on my shoulder for not knowing who my dad is. Like, I don't like if you're nice, don't like if you're mean, I don't like it if you ignore me. I don't like if you give me too much attention, like I just go crazy and, and I, I, I saw that and I had to go and read it to read.

And she said, now every man is off the hook and you have to continue to live like that. So you guys are lucky tonight, aren't you? Hey, you know, it's a good night in Brentwood. So I just, I had to live like that. And then she said, and the other thing is you can't, you can't live your life holding your fist up wondering who would it, you know, what's what, what's the answer? What is the whole deal? You have to let it go and you have to pray to that on a daily basis. And I started doing that and,

and I just let it go.

And my aunt and I were together. This is probably about eight, maybe eight or six years ago, I don't remember, but we were down in Palisades. I had her helping me do a job and we were coming home and

and she said, you know, you're never supposed to know this, but you're different. Like I used to take her out a lot and she would, she would just start crying and I'd say, what's wrong? Like, Oh my God, do you have cancer? You die, you know what's wrong? And she would say, you're just so different. I just don't like you're just so different

and you've just changed so much. And so, so she said, you know, that night, you've changed so much and you were never supposed to know this, but your your mother was raped and your mother came to us that morning, the next day, and we moved during immediately and we just took care of her and she stayed her boss, her boss gave her the dignity of every morning coming to my aunt's apartment, bringing my mom her work. My aunt said I would help her do her work because your mom was just my was very depressed and suicidal.

And she said, but we did her work for the day and your boss would take yesterday's work to work because in 1965, it just wasn't socially acceptable for a woman to have a child and let alone be taken advantage of. And, and

last Father's Day, I was on social media and I saw everybody posting about their dads and pictures and all this stuff. And usually I would get so angry inside and that wasn't happening. I, I thought, God, how nice, how lovely, like all these people have these memories of their fathers and I felt happy for them. It was the first time I really felt that joy. And I wrote on there, you know, I've really enjoyed everybody's, you know, photos and stuff. And however, I never knew who my dad was,

but I and I started thinking of men that I know an alcoholic synonymous who has stepped up to the plate.

It had taken sole custody of their children and my husband included, and have just have just followed a path and just raised their kids. And I started talking about, you know, how I they're just good. They're good men. And one of those like Scottish Irish cousins private messaged me and said, you mean you don't know, like you really don't know. And I said, no, what are you talking about? And anyway, so it turned out we talked and,

and it was a man my mom worked with. It was a man that was married to another Scottish woman. It was really

weird and I knew him. I used to play with his children.

I have step, step siblings and

that I knew I had pictures of them. I had no idea I had pictures of these people. And he's like, would you want to do you want to get in touch with them? Like now you know, people get on that bang wagon and want to find the answer for you. And I'm just like, no, I, you know, I'm an Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't go. My first thought was I don't go somewhere to walk into your life

so to make me comfortable and now I've wrecked, you know, you don't this your dad, you know, so and then so I'm just letting it be. And now I know and it's this is the other weird thing. I found out there was a girl I went to high school with that we were actually friends and she's my cousin. And it's, it's just a trip and I'm just going to leave it at that for now. You know, because of anything else, I feel like I'm forcing the will and it's I can't live in that will today after living God. So

anyway, thank you for that question. I'm sorry for the long answer.

Any videos?

Jerry

Sober is such a big adjustment for the life we live before our college now.

In your first five years of sobriety, were there any struggles that that undermine it? How did you deal with just the struggle of your life around?

Is your sobriety ever in jeopardy?