The Brentwood Beginners Workshop in Los Angeles, CA

And now, let's welcome our speaker tonight, Matthew.

Hello, my name is Matthew. I'm alcoholic.

I'm going to open this now so I don't struggle with it later. Thanks. Hey, what a pleasure to be here. A lot of my old friends are here. It's great to see you again. It's an honor to see you to to share here. Thanks for inviting me to participate in my sobriety. I love Alcoholics Anonymous.

My sobriety dates May 16, 1993, And I know when I come to do this, I get a chance to do this. And the more often I try to express what's happened to me and Alcoholics Anonymous, the more I realize that's impossible and kind of stuck with the story and the experience, strength and hope. And I have about 25 minutes to tell you about how it's completely transformed inside, and I just don't know how to do that.

So I'll tell you the beginning of May. In 1993,

I was morally bankrupt. I I weighed 108 lbs. I weigh 168 lbs now and I'm not any taller,

a little thicker. And I remember I used to drink gin and I'd eat those little, I'd eat those, those Donuts. There's like sugar Donuts that come in little packs and some yogurt because yogurt was supposed to be good for you. And there's Donuts, you know, it's like bulk. And, and I would hold my breath and sit on the couch when the mailman came on my porch, 'cause I didn't know who that was and I didn't want anyone to know I was in there.

And

so, you know, what I really want to talk about is recovery. So just believe me that I wanted to not drink. Every day of 1993. I had gotten a teenage girl pregnant. I was 31 years old, she was 18 years old. I like to say she was 18 and,

and she worked at this restaurant where I was working and I got fired and, and she was getting more pregnant and I was trying to kill myself with alcohol. And my mom and dad lived a couple of miles from my house and my mom was dying of cancer. And I was calling my mom all the time telling her I was going to come visit her because I really wanted to. I really love my mom. I really respected my mom. I was the youngest in the family and I'd call and say I'm going to come visit you mom. And

she would say that would be great. She's dying of cancer. She would say that would be great honey. And I would hang up the phone and walk towards the door and I never,

I never visited my mom. I never made it to the door. I stopped and saw my reflection in the window or I thought about all the problems I hadn't told him about that I was unemployed, that this girl was pregnant. And I would have a drink, thinking I'll just have a drink and go see my mom. And I really thought I would. And that never happened. And I, I just, I want to honor my parents. They were loving, kind people. And I sponsor a lot of people in a A and I know that's not true for everybody, but I'll tell you every single time I called her and said, I'm going to come see you, mom. Every single time she said that'd be great.

She didn't give me a hard time. She didn't make me feel guilty. They didn't know what had happened to me. And my mom and dad really loved each other. They were, they were a great example when they died, when they were married for 50 years. And they did. My dad never called my mom the ball and chain. They never argued in public. They very rarely argued at home. And you know when, when that girl was 8 1/2 months pregnant, I pushed her down a flight of stairs.

And

I didn't want to hurt that girl. I didn't want to hurt that baby,

but I want to be honest from the podium.

I didn't have a feeling in me for them. I'd love to tell you I did. I just didn't. And she said please don't drink. We want to go to the doctor today. She didn't want me to stop drinking. She, she didn't want me to

drink and I'd already started. And when you tell me not to drink when I've already started, I feel like you're shouting obscenities at me. And I just tried to push her out of the doorway, but she, I could tell I pushed her too hard. And when I closed the door, I heard her fall down the stairs and I went inside and I

and I drank and I never looked to see what happened. So that's what it was like. I want to just dispatch. That's what it was like. I was an alcoholic. I was born with every, every

advantage. You know, my mom and dad worked hard so I could go to college. My brothers and sisters really loved me. I was a musician and I was encouraged to practice by everybody in the family all the time. And that's all I ever wanted to do anyway. And I just had this great upbringing in alcoholism turned me into an animal. I don't know what it did to you.

I don't know. I really am not saying that and like it's some modeling way, but to me, it turned me into an animal. I needed to drink and I didn't care about you. I wanted to use you and drink

so on May 16th 1993 my brother had 12 step me a couple days before and it convinced me to go into a hospital and I woke up and answered the phone. I've been up the night before getting ready for rehab.

I didn't want to be a slacker. And,

and I woke up on the, on the floor and I, I picked up the phone and I thought it was them taking me to rehab. And it was somebody, I didn't know who this person was until about 3 months ago. And I met them, but it was somebody who said, Hey, your daughter was born today and we've been trying to get a hold of you and I've been passed out. So I ran to the hospital. Actually, that's not true. I didn't go to, I didn't run to the hospital. Alcoholism is a disease of selfishness and self centeredness. And I think this is a perfect illustration of that with me.

So they said, can you come to the hospital and see your baby? I said, of course, I had actually forgotten that about her. And I, I ran outside and found my car and I went to the hospital where I was born

because that's where babies come from, right? You know, that's how self-centered I am. All babies are born at Little Company America 'cause that's where I was born. And,

and I went there and they weren't there and they were, this 108 LB skeleton was pounding on the,

the counter and umm, and they said they're not here. And I went outside and I sat in my car and thought for a minute and I remembered what hospital and I went to the right hospital and I ran up the stairs and I was going to the room and I wasn't preparing myself, you know, wasn't thinking about it. And I'm running, looking at the, the, the numbers above the doors, trying to find the right room. And I'm not thinking, I'm not preparing myself. And I turn around to this room and there's Anna

and she jumps up and she was happy to see me.

And I was humiliated because the last time I saw her, I pushed her down a flight of stairs

and I was scared and I was dirty. And as she came towards me, I thought she was going to hug me. And I didn't want her to hug me because I smelled bad and I didn't want anyone to touch me. And she was coming towards me and she stopped and she turned

and she looked into this little glass rectangular thing and she pulled out this

being of God,

Phoebe Rose. And she handed me this perfect, innocent, beautiful child. And I held on to this perfect, innocent, beautiful child. And I looked at her and she was so gorgeous. In fact, gorgeous doesn't even touch it. She was clear and beautiful. Her skin was, I don't know if any of you had experience, but they have little tiny nails and little tiny faces and, and, and I'm looking, it's everything smaller and,

and I'm looking at Anna. And I'd love to tell you it was the miracle of life. And I had a moment of clarity and I knew I had to stop drinking. But that isn't what happened. I felt worse than I'd ever felt in my entire life.

I've felt like filth. Here was beauty and I was the beast. It was so it was almost unbearably painful. And I handed it back to Anna and I said a prayer. And my prayer was, please, God, I hope these two women never see me again

because I'm going to do something stupid and I'm not even going to know I'm doing it. And I'm going to hurt him because that's what I do,

what I've done all over the place. And I didn't. And I was right. You know, I had just almost killed them

and I got back in my car and I went home and I had a gun under my couch that I would occasionally put in my mouth and pray that I had the guts to pull the trigger. And I was going for the gun

'cause I wanted to not hurt them and I wanted to disappear. And I got home and my brother was sitting on my porch and he said, where have you been? I packed your bag, get in the car, and I went off to a rehabilitation facility. Now, I really don't have time to tell you the story, so I want to talk about recovering now because there's a lot of people in here

that have time. And if you looked at my recovery,

it reminds me of that story in the big book. You know Jim the car salesman,

and it says in the story of Jim the car salesman, all went all right for Jim for a while, but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life. And I can honestly tell you all is gone all right from Matthew for a while.

And I, when I read that I am fortunate enough to work with newcomers quite quite often and I get them to at least that story.

And when I read that, I get chills down my back because I don't want to fail to enlarge my spiritual life. And as you are sober longer, my experiences, as I'm sober longer, I'm no longer excited when the cop pulls me over. And I have a license and registration, you know, that has faded that excitement. You know, paying my bills isn't like, hey, I can pay my bills, man. You know, now it's like I got to pay the bills. You know, after 18 years of doing it,

those exciting things have just participated in life. You know, I'm participating in life and I'm grateful, but I don't want to fail

to enlarge my spiritual life. So I want to talk to you about what's been obvious to me the way that that happens. I'm a few years ago, I, I'm a drug dealer. I sell pharmaceuticals. So I finally get my money back and, and I was up in Pasadena. I live in Long Beach and I'm up in Pasadena and I'm working and it's a terrible day. Like all the doctors are jerks and it's raining. And you know how we drive in LA when it's raining, we just drive a little closer just so we can keep an eye on the

front of us. And because it's raining and they're hard to see. And, and I just was so grumpy, you know, And there was a guy in the hospital of a guy had sponsored had his liver was gone and they told him if he was going to drink again, he was going to die. And they found him in his apartment and he had filled his trash cans up with blood and he was in ICU in a coma. And he was not going to ever get out of ICU. And I had foolishly made a promise to him when he was in that coma that I would come visit him every day.

And that hospital was about

four blocks from my house. So I'm up in Pasadena having a terrible day. And, you know, nothing's right. My wife calls him broken shoelace days, you know, But it just seemed like the end of the world to me because I was, I just felt like I had nothing, no reserves inside me. And the rain was bothering me. And I'm driving down from Pasadena. And I knew I was in a terrible mood because on the radio came Leila, the original Derek and the Dominoes version. And I thought, you know, this is really a crappy song.

I used to think it was a classic, but it's just like the novelty act Eric and and I and I knew then I go, dude, somethings wrong. This is like one of the best songs in the world. So I was that's where I was. I was emotionally just out of it. You know, I've been done paying my bills and having my had the rich full life in a but I was having I was I was doubting my my ability to be a good provider. I was doubting my ability to be a good husband. I didn't want to go see Mike in the hospital on my way home from work. That was the bottom line. I did not

go see this guy in the hospital. He's going to die. He's in a coma. I don't have to go,

but the difference between Alcoholics Anonymous and the church that I went to when I was a little kid and the religious school that I went to when I was a little kid is an Alcoholics Anonymous. From May 16th, 1993 till today, people showed me recovery. They didn't tell me recovery.

And guys that I knew who had good lives went on panels at prisons. They left their beautiful wives and they left their beautiful homes and they went on panels of prisons. And I remember when I was new going, why are you here? I'm a loser. I have nowhere else to go, but why are you here? And slowly I got it because after I leave those prisons, I feel just about just clean enough

to go to the next day and not get loaded. And these guys understood that power. But I'm driving home from Pasadena and I don't want to go see this guy. I really want to go see my wife. I really adore my wifes company and I couldn't wait to get home. And actually, I was probably just going to go in and lie down and watch TV because I was just, I had nothing in me.

But as I'm driving off the off ramp, I actually I can go one way and go right to my house. So I can go just just one other block and go to this hospital. And I don't want to go. I don't think I have anything for him. You know, he's just going to be lying there in a coma. I've done this a bunch of times. I can skip today, but my car just took me to the hospital, you know, and I'm sitting there and I'm actually, this is how

vain and arrogant I am. I'm looking at the hospital and I couldn't get a parking place close and it was raining. I thought this is a good suit. The rain is going to mess up my hair. I don't want to go, you know, I mean, I couldn't get so, but I, my body got out of the car

and walked over to the hospital. And it had been difficult to visit this guy because he was an ICU and he didn't have any real family left. They died of alcoholism,

and they don't let you just go see anybody and I see you. So I had to explain every time I went that I was a sponsor and Alcoholics Anonymous and that I realized the situation was dire, but that could I please go see him and that they would staple my business card in his file. So this is a rainy day in ICU, and those nurses are just about as pissed off as I am. I can tell when I walk in there, all nobody's happy. There's that darkness around. And I walk up and she's like, I'm sorry, Sir, you're not family. And I hardly have the energy in me to say, look, I just have to go see the guy for 10 minutes.

I promised him. And I give her my card and she, there's like 10 of my cards in there and she staples my card in there. And I'm just walking towards this room and I'd rather just go sit in an outhouse. I just don't want to do this, you know? And I walk in and it's dark because they don't waste the lights on people who are in comas. And I sit down and I'm looking at him and his teeth are all messed up and he's in a coma. And he's actually, he's kind of got one arm strapped down. So I sat at the end of his bed and I looked at my watch and I said to myself, I'm going to give this guy 15 minutes

and I'm out of here. And I prayed a little bit for myself. I didn't pray for him. And I'm just being honest. So far, I haven't lied. You figured that out, right? Not a glowing picture of recovery so far. So. So I'm looking at him and I'm thinking, you know, it's too bad he didn't take better care of his teeth. He's going to look terrible when they bury him. And, and I'm looking around the room and I'm thinking, you know, he's an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. That's why I guess that's why I'm here.

He's going to go out of here in a bag. I got to go back to my car. I guess it should be grateful.

And then it wasn't quite 15 minutes, truth be told. But I got up and I walked over the side of his bed and I reached over and I touched his hand and he sat bolt upright in the bed and scared the shit out of me. It wasn't the rain that was going to ruin my suit all of a sudden.

And and he grabbed my hand and he panned the room and he looked up at my face and he said, why do you love me so much?

And I looked at him and I didn't know what to say. And out of my mouth came because you're just like me. And I don't know why I said that. I really don't know why I said that. And he looked around the room again and he came back. He's toxic. His liver's gone, he's going to die. And he came back and he looked up at me. He said, am I crazy? And I said no, man, you're alcoholic.

And he leaned back and he went back to sleep, and the room was filled

with the presence of God. I felt it run all the way through my body. I felt the planets align. Derek and the Dominoes made an awesome album.

I needed to tell someone. I walked over to the door. I didn't want to leave

and I looked at him and I thought, thank God for you, man, thank God for Mike. And I got in my car and I floated home and I had not failed to enlarge my spiritual life.

And the reason I tell you that particular example is because I didn't want to do it. And you know what an AAI found out? It doesn't matter if you don't want to do it. I didn't want to come here. I have a nice little house up where I work. I had some nice stuff laid out for dinner. I didn't have a tie because I packed all wrong.

And I came down here and I and I'm here and I'm immediately buoyed by the love in the room and the excitement, enthusiasm for recovery and my old friends and the good people around me. And that's all I can tell you about Alcoholics Anonymous is in spite of my own selfishness, in spite of myself, centeredness, when I reach out to you, the world blooms. It never has failed me. There's a good friend of mine here today. His name's Irwin. He's a really good friend of mine. And he once told this story. He said. A guy

is taken up to to look at to look at hell

and the Angel takes him to hell and he looks in at hell and there's this huge banquet. And at this banquet is full of all the best foods in the world. But everybody has these spoons attached to their arms, to their hands. And they have these these bars between their arms and they can't reach their mouths. That's hell. Like there's the food and they're all sitting there and they can't reach their mouth. And he takes him to another room and it's heaven. And it's the exact same situation. It's exact same banquet. And they've got the spoons and they've got the bars and they're feeding each other.

And that's Alcoholics Anonymous. I think it's amazingly funny that God or the animating force of the higher powers joke about the the disease of alcoholism because I know, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to get the most selfish, self-centered people in the world and say, look, you can stop drinking, but you got to help everybody else. You know, it's like, is there any other way, You know?

So Phoebe, who was born on May 16th, 1993, I drove her to college 2 weeks ago and she wanted to drive with me in my car and talk to me all the way up to San Luis Obispo. And her mom came the next day and we just laughed and had a great time and spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars at Target. And then you could do that.

And, and you know, we're not married and we have our separate lives and our separate children, but we're pretty good friends. And Phoebe is a good, good little girl. And she's not a little girl. She's bigger than me. And we just had a wonderful time. And I, I just, I was, there's no way for me to tell you about all the gifts I've gotten here. There's just no way. But I would like to say Mike, who was, who was in that ICU room, he's sitting right there.

Mike, will you stand up?

Mike's alive

and we're going to Mikes going to get married in December and he picked me to be his best man. The the a hole that didn't want to visit him in the hospital.

So I really can't tell you. I can't describe it.

I never thought I could be a son to my mother. My mother died in my arms and we were clean and pure with each other. And it wasn't the horrible moment you think it might be. I never thought I could be a husband. And I've been married for 15 years to the same person. I have two other children. And when I was married for five years, my wife had a pretty serious stroke and became a completely different person. And for 10 years I've adored this woman. And I didn't come here like that.

I didn't come here able to see reality. I came here only able to see my perception. And I have 5 minutes. So I'm going to tell you the difference. When I got dropped off from rehab, I walked up to my front door and my brother dropped me off and he said go to a meeting, which I thought was crazy. I had 30 days of sobriety. It's like go to a meeting. I'm like, God, you guys. And hey, hey, you're crazy, right? Why would I go to a meeting? I've got to go see Phoebe. I've got to go see mom. I got to get a job, but OK, I'll go to a meeting, right? And I

into my apartment and somebody hands me a course. It's not a beer. It was a course. And they put it in my hand and I did, I lived there by myself and they were snorting cocaine on the glass table and smoking pot. And I'm looking at this beer and I don't know what to do. And I put it on the fortune. I ran away. And if you're new in AAI, didn't run away because I had a foundation of recovery. I ran away for one reason. All I had in the world was 30 days of sobriety. I didn't have any character. I didn't have any self respect. I didn't have any money. I

incredible amount of debt and but I had 30 days and I didn't want to blow it on those guys, so I ran to a payphone. Some people are young here. They were made of glass,

rectangular, and you opened them. It's very hard to describe. They had these phones that look like missiles and

that you could Google it maybe.

But I went to pay phone and I called Alcoholics Anonymous. And this is funny. I hope I can tell this story in 5 minutes. I told the guy, like way more than I've told you. I was all my whole life and baby 108 lbs as a rock star. And then I'm not a rock star. My mom died of cancer and I did course, you know, And the guy was really cool. He waited till I shut up. And he goes, yeah, man, where are you? Yeah. And I go, I'm on. These things are made of glass. And I said, I'm on the corner of Burl and whatever and Redondo Beach, and he flipped through these papers

and he said this is so weird. There's an A a meeting right across the street from that pay phone and it starts in 15 minutes.

And I said, what do you think I should do?

Because I thought he was going to help me, right?

I told him my whole story and I was like, and he said, go to a meet and like, and that's what he said he was. I think he should go to the meeting. I was like, oh, you and my brother, I'm up to here with you. And, and I went into the meeting and of course, Alcoholics Anonymous enveloped me. I did not have a moment of clarity. The guy was just like Charlie Brown's dad, like wah, wah, wah, wah, you know. And as soon as it was over, I got up to leave. And this guy who knew my brother came up and goes, Matthew, you're, you're out of the hospital,

said the greatest thing. He looked at me, goes, I heard you look like shit. And I said, well, that was 30 days ago. I'd gained 47 lbs in 30 days in the hospital. I was hungry and,

and, and super tired too. And,

and he said, he said, well, it can I give you a ride home? And I thought that'd be good because I actually jogged to the meeting, you know, I jogged to the phone booth, I jogged to the meeting and I said, that'd be great. And we walked out to his car and he's walking towards the car and I'm backing up and he's walking, I'm backing up. And finally he goes, what's your problem? And I go, well, I don't think I can go home. He said, why not? And I said, well, you know, I told him about the beer and the coke and the pot and, and he said, well, don't your parents live near here?

And I said, well, yeah, they live a couple of miles over that hill. And he said, well, I could take you there. And I said, no, man, you cannot take me there.

And this is the difference between perception and reality because my perception was

those people have been married to each other for 45 years, my dad and mom really love each other, and my mom's dying of cancer.

Their losers son fresh out of rehab with an illegitimate child is not going to show up on their porch today.

He's not going to do that to them today. It would be the most humiliating thing for them. It would be the worst situation to put them in. It would be the most humiliating thing for me. It would be the worst situation I could be in at that point. That's not going to happen. That was my perception.

So the guy dropped me off at my parents house

because you guys don't listen and, and my parents opened the door

and they were glad to see me,

like super glad.

They were smiling at me and my dad looked relieved and my dad wore everything on his face. He was this beautiful Irish guy who he wore everything on his face and he was legitimately happy to see me and I didn't know why. Then I went inside and they gave me my old bedroom back and had a big poster, Eric Clapton from when I was 14. You know, Eric got me through my first year of sobriety. We talked late into the night often,

but I moved into that house and you know what was happening over there. My mom and my dad were married for 45 years to each other. They adored each other.

My mom was dying of cancer and the one person they worried about every day showed up on their porch clean and sober.

And in that year I got to see my dad love my mom and my mom help my dad understand that he was going to be OK without her. I saw profound love. It was perfect, it was beautiful, It was exactly how it was supposed to be.

My perception. I learned an alcoholic synonymous doesn't mean anything,

not the reality. Always is words potent and present and full and perfect and living with a disabled woman with brain damage is potent and present and perfect. It's not what we always want. We don't always want the challenges she has. I'm not always good at it. I'm not that good at it. I get frustrated. But I adore her. I adore her and she loves me back

and I know a lot of people that don't get that much in life.

She changed my standards for my life. I will dress her and undress her for the rest of my days and be grateful for it. And I don't know how that happened. I don't know how this guy stands before you today. The guy that went to the wrong hospital that pushed that girl down a flight of stairs. I don't know where he went, but I did 12 steps. I continue to not fail to enlarge my spiritual life. And all I know that that means is when they say will you, I say yes?

When they say will you, I say yes. No matter what, I go to that prison I don't like to go to,

you know, Mike and I have been through a lot. I have to go to all sorts of strange places because of Alcoholics Anonymous,

right? You guys know? And every time I'm there, if I'm present, my perception is left at the door. It's perfect, It's potent, it's present, it's beautiful. Thanks for letting me share.

And what am I supposed to do?

OK. Does anybody have any questions?

Great. It's been really fun. I've enjoyed myself.

She's more uncomfortable for me than it is for you.

Yeah. The question is, can you talk about some of my amends? And thank you so much. I love it that you brought that up because there's a paragraph in the big book that we read and and where I go to meetings in Hermosa Beach. It often is read because you're chosen to read any program you want. It says the spiritual life is not a theory. You have to live it. And that sentence is referring to the night step. So I'm glad that you brought that up.

One of my amends is I owed a guy a $15,000

and when I was newly sober, when I wrote that on my eight step list, it looked like it said $10 million

because it might as well have been $10 million. I didn't have $15,000. I was living with my mom and dad. And I went to my sponsor and I went over my 8th step list and I said I don't think I can do this because this one here for Larry. And he said why not? And I go, I don't have $10 million, you know. And he said, well, what do you think? You have to show up on his porch with a briefcase.

And I said no, but I don't know. I just don't think I'm ever going to have that kind of money. And he goes, well, how much money could you give him right now? I said, I give him 10 bucks and he goes, all right, where does Larry live? And so he lives in Mexico City. And he goes, all right, he did. I, he had, it's a long story how I ripped him off for $15,000, but I nickeled and dimed him for 15 grand. I really did. It took a long time and

I would have liked it all in one lump sum, but I he lived in Mexico City. He was down there working. We had worked at the same place. He got transferred,

so I wrote him a check for 10 bucks and I wrote a letter of amends and it was a really long letter and I took it to my sponsor and he made it really short. He took out all the self justification and all the yeah butts. And I'm a really cool guy now. And it was all my part, my part, my part, my part. And I'm not going to ever do this again because I heard an amends is not an apology, it's an amending of my behavior. And did I leave anything out? I hated that sentence. He added that sentence

and I sent this 10 bucks and I and it sent it down and I every month I sent 10 bucks. I sent 10 bucks. I sent 10 bucks. And it really felt like if you're new here and you're like, wow, that's it felt like this. It felt like in my backyard, I had this big empty swimming pool and I'd walk out there with an eyedropper and I put a drop in and I go, someday I will swim,

you know, and then walk back in the house and

praying that the water didn't evaporate. And so 10 bucks a month, 10 bucks a month. And then because I showed up for work every day on something I hadn't done when I was drinking, I got promoted and I got better jobs and I could afford more. So I sent him 50 bucks a month for a while. And then sometimes I'd send him 100 bucks and I'd forget and I would not send him sometimes. But I keep really close track in this little book because when I'm paying you back,

we're keeping track.

When I'm ripping you off, I'm like, I think it's about 15,000.

So anyway, I wrote this guy these checks and you know, a lot of things happen in my life and I didn't know why they were happening. I mean, like doors open for me and things that shouldn't have happened for me happened for me. And, and I met this amazing girl that I'm married to now. And things during that time in my life, they just, things just came together and I was writing the checks right in the checks, going to meetings, doing my, my steps, working with new guys. And then the guy calls me. I was about seven years sober. And he calls me and he goes,

hey, man, stop sending me these checks. And I go, well, according to my book, I owe you, I paid you about $7000. I owe you about $8000. Why would I stop sending you these checks? And he goes, look, man, I don't know what you're doing,

but you've changed. Here's you know, you're a good husband. You're a good father. You're you're a contributing member of society. You're kind of the guy we always thought you could be. You know, you've already paid me back. Stop sending me the checks.

And I made the mistake of calling my sponsor

because I wanted to brag that I was done, that I paid back $10 million. And my sponsor was so cool. He goes, oh, really? He goes, OK, And I wish I was this good of a sponsor. He said. That's that guy that you sent 10 bucks a month to when you live with your mom and your dad.

So now you have this great life. I mean like a great life. He's meant if you want to stop doing what's working, that's cool.

Like why do I call? It's like the most expensive phone call I've ever made in my life.

So I had to pay him back and I called up Larry and I said I got to pay you back. And he said,

OK, I don't, I don't understand, but OK. And a couple months later, he moved back to, to he moved to Laguna Beach. And a little bit after my mom died, my father died. And also I was actually at Mario's. I like to say my father died in front of me, but that isn't true. I was that with him. I went to Mario's. And when I went back, he was dead. And he and I adored my dad and we were clean. I'd made amends to him. I took care of him in the last year of his life

and I went in and sat with him. And actually, this is a totally off your subject, but it's a really funny thing. My dad was an insurance salesman and he hated telemarketers, like hated him. He had a little air horn by the phone and

and he was lying. This is, I don't know why I'm telling you this story, but it's really funny. He was, he was lying in his hospital bed, dead in the living room. And the phone rang and I picked it up and he goes, hello, this is so and so from All Straight Insurance. I'd like to talk to you, Mr. Mitchell, about term life insurance. And I said, what if there's a preexisting condition? Because Mr. Mitchell was dead in the living room. And I thought, my dad's loving this, right? Anyway, my dad left me some money and I wrote a check for $8000 and I put it in a FedEx envelope and I sent it to Larry because

knew what that money was for. And Larry called me and he said, Matthew, you're not going to believe this, but I'm sitting here with Wendy, my wife. We found out a couple days ago we're going to have a baby and we don't own this house. We rent this house and we've been trying to figure out how to buy it. And we figured out our finances and we were just about $8000 short of a down payment. And your check came out of the blue. I wasn't expecting it. So the, the flake, the animal, the loser got to help a guy with perfect credit buy a house

with his own money, you know,

But whatever, right? I mean, that's kind of like a very little part of the story. I mean, it's with my money. Yeah. So it kind of drains that story of all its like glory. But, but you know what man? I I'd write that check every year. I'd write those $10.50 dollar checks every day of my life to get what I got in here. When I was holding that little girl, the reason I couldn't look at her is 'cause I was filthy dirty inside. It was terrible outside, but I was filthy dirty inside

and doing living the spiritual life is making amends to people I'd harmed and you know it. I would do it over again and over again. I'm completely clean now. I'm, I don't know anybody. I've made all the amends on my list now. They're just ten step amends. Did that answer your question? Thanks.

Which we need to talk about your morning, your morning practices.

Yes, thank you. He asked me to talk about my 11 STEM practices and it's umm, it seems kind of personal because it's where it all happens for me I so I got this little house I live in Long Beach and I work for a company up in Thousand Oaks and they, they gave me this deal where I could rent a little house because I'm not there a couple of weeks a month and yeah I'm just going to be honest with you about my practice. I have a puja. I have a Hindu altar and

in the morning I get up and I turn the coffee maker on

and I go and I sit and I set my, I have to get up at 6:00 because the sponsee start calling at 6:30 and I set my, my timer for 20 minutes and I sit. And what I do in that is, is it's hard to describe, but I try to focus my awareness on my awareness. I try to just keep bringing my focus back to the to my awareness. And after 20 minutes and I found that any other length shorter than that is not enough for me. I can't get

clean and I do it every day. Sometimes I do it at lunchtime and I do it at night time before I go to bed.

And then after that 20 minutes, I go get my cup of coffee and I read a spiritual book. Right now I'm reading the book called I Am That by Nisargadatta, but I read whatever I read. I read a Byron Katie book. I'll read anything anyone gives me. People give me that kind of stuff all the time and and when you're in that place of calm, the book comes alive. I don't know how to describe it. I feel like it's being written right ahead of me reading it because it's talking right to me. And then when the sponsees start to call, I actually have a centered person to offer them.