The Brentwood Beginners Workshop in Los Angeles, CA

Now, let's welcome our speaker, Gloria A.

What an order. Oh my gosh. Good evening. My name is Gloria and I am an alcoholic.

Steps to come up here. Thank you, Melanie for asking me to come out and share. And I was telling Beverly before this meeting, Last time I spoke here was about 14 years ago. And I've always been very grateful to this meeting because I got a raise from my job because of this meeting. I had come dressed up to work and my boss was so concerned I was interviewing. She pushed through a raise for me. So thank you very much. I do not expect the same thing this time.

So anyway,

my sobriety date is May 29th, 1985. I have a sponsor that I use as a sponsor. I have a Home group, which is a women's group on Monday night in Chatsworth. And I know in my next meeting is and all those four things are not what keep me sober.

But what they do is they keep me here in Alcoholics Anonymous one day at a time so that I can hear about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. That if I work them and apply them in my life, I will find and have found a power greater than myself that allows me to stay sober a day at a time. And so just a kind of brief qualification, I never met a social drink.

I was, I was the daily drinker by the time I was 19 years old. I came from a family that drank a lot. And that's not what makes me an alcohol. Like, what makes me an alcoholic is when I pick up a drink, I drink and I drink until it's done.

You know, I drink until I'm done. And, and I never really thought, I never tried to control my drinking. I got here at the age of 28 years old and I thought I was too young to be here. My last year of drinking was pretty much like it started. I was living in a little apartment in North Hollywood. A man that I had, I would have died for, you know, love of my life that we had had a secret relationship for a year and a half. Because you see, I'm the kind of woman who will sell myself to the lowest bidder. Finally decided that

that he didn't want to be with me anymore because he's, what the book talks about, is a hard drinker. We got together and we drank alike. He was my soul mate. We got together because we would go out after work and he'd tell me a sad little story about his office. Awful little marriage.

And I would be, I mean, it's so straight out of the big book. I'm so sad and pathetic, you know, and I was commiserating and understanding. And So what happened though, he left that marriage and we kind of moved in together. But you see, he wasn't an alcoholic. So what used to drink alike together? What happened was that once we moved in together, he he stopped because he drank because he was unhappy in that marriage. And once he got out of that marriage, he did not have the physical disease of alcoholism. So he didn't have to drink anymore. In fact, what he discovered was jogging and sprouts.

I on the other hand,

I on the other hand am an alcoholic and I could not stop drinking a day at a time. I on the other hand, would come home to that man and he would give me that look and he'd see that huge bottle of wine going down every night and he'd give me that disgusted look, just that disgusted look, you know. And I embarrassed that man terribly at a wedding and one of my hardest amends was to that man. So anyway, finally what happened was after about a year and 1/2, he decided he could not live with me anymore. And again, we were working at a company together, but

we hadn't told anybody we were dating because he wanted to keep it a secret.

And so he found me an apartment very quickly. He says I can't live with you anymore, it's your smoking. And I still don't believe to this day that's what it was. And he quickly found the apartment in North Hollywood, CA. And that is where I did my last drinking, my last year of drinking North Hollywood, CA on Camarillo St. between Lankershim and Tahunga. I did not know when he moved me there that that was a hotbed of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so my last year I was living in this little apartment with two cats and I put this aluminum foil type stuff. It was not aluminum foil, but

it was silver and it kept the sun out and it kept you from looking in. And because I didn't want the manager to see to see the cast. But the real reason is I really didn't want anybody looking in. You know, I had nobody in my life.

Nobody was calling me. I lived a very sad, you know, very lonely life, very pathetic. My mind, all I did was I would get up, I would go to work. I would have to go to the Denny's at lunch because it had a bar there. And I thought it was the only Denny's in town that had a bar. But I've discovered since then many of you have found other Denny's that had bars in them, you know, and I would go every day at lunch and I would tell myself if you go to the bar, you'll get served faster. I don't ever remember eating at the bar in Denny's. You know, I did not know at that point in time, at the age of

seven, that I could not get from morning to afternoon without a drink. Did not know that. All I knew was that I had to go and I would drink and I would drink at Denny's and then I would come back and I would work and then I would go home. And I always stole from petty cash. I always reimbursed it. But my first sponsor said, you know, what did you take it without asking? I said, yes, she goes. And that's known as stealing. You have educated me on a lot of levels. I really did not want to be educated about when I first got here, you know, but I thought I would steal from petty cash every day because you see, I never quite seem to have enough money. So I could buy that big bottle of wine on my way

so I could go and I would drink and I would just pass out. You know, that was my life. I was going nowhere. I had stopped driving a lot because I am a very dangerous drunk. I am a drunk driver. I can't tell you how many times I came to on the one O 1 on the four O 5 on Laurel Canyon, on the various canyons, wondering just out of the blackout. And then I would black out again, you know, And what I do know today, and this really scares me, the longer I'm sober and the more that scares me. And I'm really glad, glad about that. Because the truth is, you know, they say if you go out the best you can hope for us to start

where you left. And that is where I would start off is coming to hopefully out of a blackout on the 405 somewhere. So anyway, but so I, so I'd stop driving 'cause that was just a little too much fun and I had no place to go anyway. And I had no money to go drink in bars. I've never been a bar drinker because I could never get them into somehow buy me the drink. I guess I was not a program of attraction. So this last year I was just drinking at home, you know, I would go home and I would drink and I would pass out, you know, and that, that was my drinking, you know, that was my drinking.

I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. It was actually, I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous in March of 1985 because what had happened was this is where I did that last night. That night I came to on the four, oh, actually on the 101134, excuse me, I came to on the 134 in a blackout about two or three in the morning. And I'm clutching for Valium. And I don't know how I know their Valium, but I know. And I, I remember this every time I drive the 134 at that point in time, at that point on the the 134, I remember this coming too.

And I'm coming to and all of a sudden I'm remembering where I had been and what I had done. And I could not believe, I remember at that moment, I could not believe how desperate I was for any sense of human contact and what I was willing to do to get that, that utter incomprehensible demoralization. And I blacked back out. I do not remember getting home. And I came to the next morning on my couch. Somehow I got home. I came to the next morning on my couch and the television's blaring. And it's March of 1985,

and this is when all the Schick Shadel hospitals and all the treatment centers and they were all advertising, you know, Saturday morning. What better, you know, target market, what better way to get them as they're coming to, you know. And I, I'm sitting there and I have this moment and I realize that I want to die. And I realized that I am not going to die, That in fact, I am going to continue to wake up day after day after day

in this utter demoralization and incomprehension

of what I am doing to myself.

And so I'm one of those that the only thing I knew about Alcoholics Anonymous was from this movie, Days of Wine and Roses. And so I'm one of those. I called, I looked you up in the phone book and I called a central office and I said something like, I think I may have a problem with alcohol. And no man had answered. And he said, can I take your phone number? You know, and I always tell the newcomers and gosh, you know, what a great, what a great, you know, breath of sobriety here. You know I tell the women I sponsor. You know your job.

I told them you know, you know I think I have AI. Hope you be desperate.

I hope you be desperate. And desperate doesn't mean 100% desperate. It means 51% desperate. And I was 51% desperate. And so I gave him my right telephone number. And a few minutes later, the phone rang. And I still remember looking at that phone on that coffee table in this disgusting place that I was living. And I thought, are you going to answer it? And I did. And he had found a woman to call me back. And I said again, something like, I think I may have a problem with alcohol, you see? But I'm still looking good. I have a job, I have a car. The car used to be square. Now it's a little round, but who cares? You know? You know,

you know, in my head I'm still fine, but there is something wrong with me. I remember thinking there was something intrinsically wrong with me as a human being. There is just I am garbage. I am garbage. And I don't know what's wrong with me that I cannot seem to stop this. And So what happened? I said, I think I may have a problem with alcohol. And then I remember I said, but I don't have enough money to go to a treatment center. And she laughed. She said, oh, honey, I spent $30,000 on treatment centers, but it's Alcoholics Anonymous that got me sober. And so she talked to me for a few minutes

and she said, oh, I and A friend would like to come over and talk to you. And I remember thinking, no, you know, I think I was afraid they were going to come steal something. You know, and trust me, there was nothing in that house to steal. And so I said, you tell me where you are. And little did I realize that I was living right down the street from one of the big there was a big speaker meeting at that time. Now, I used to always walk down to the Ralphs. There was a route at the corner of Lankershim and Camarillo. There used to be, there is a church there, Saint Matthews, and there used to be a big Ralphs.

So I would go down every Saturday night and get my big bottle of wine and I'd see all these people hanging outside this church and smoking away. And I'm thinking, Oh my, they're, they're dedicated, aren't they, you know, hanging out at a church on a Saturday night. Little did I know that was Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, And So what happened was they told me there was a big meeting down there and to and to just go. And so I wanted to look good. So it took me all day to sober up, but I was still desperate. That demoralization was still with me. And so I remember I walked my way

to that church and I am very grateful for greeters at meetings because I gotta tell you, it took every ounce of courage I had to walk to the church. And courage is not lack of fear, it is doing it despite the fear.

And so I don't know that I could have walked across the threshold once I heard all the bright, the loud laughter and the bright lights. I think I would have just run. But there were two greeters at the door, and they just pulled me in. I'm thinking I'm looking good. And I'm sure they saw a newcomer, you know, And I'm so glad they pulled me in gently and they didn't make me sit in the front. And I'm so very grateful for that. You know, they let me sit in the back, but they did find a woman to sit on each side of me. And they got me a cup of coffee.

And I don't remember what I heard of that meeting. I remember. I do remember thinking, how low can you go? You have now come to Alcoholics Anonymous.

And but I was desperate. You know, I didn't know where else to go. You know, I had done therapy in the past. You know, I had done cold Turkey. I tried to do it for him, but I was a daily drinker. I could not stop. And so I looked down and I heard a guy take a cake for 10 years and talk about being diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. For whatever reason, that was a program of attraction for me because I came back the next day. And so I lasted about 3 weeks. And it's like I tell the women I sponsor. Your job is to get them to the meeting. You don't know what the newcomers going to hear. Trust me, it's not going to be your wise spiritual

you're trying to hand off to them. You know, you need to help them get to the meeting. So I lasted about 3 weeks, but you see, I started to feel better. I remember thinking, you know what, I'm only 28. You know, I've made so many mistakes in my life. If I'm not really an alcoholic, I don't want to make this mistake. So, you know, I had the big book, thank you very much. I now knew you just don't drink so much. Thank you very much. And, and I had gotten a new job down in Anaheim now. And so I, I remember thinking I'm going to be fine. And So what happened was I got a new job down in Anaheim and I'm still living in North Hollywood.

And I went out. I went, I was working there for a couple weeks and I went out with a bunch of people after work and had a couple of drinks. And you know what, The heavens didn't part. And I didn't get hit by lightning. And you know what, I was fine. I didn't come to in a blackout, you know, coming home. But what happened, it didn't take long because one of those things that I had not realized I had heard in those three weeks I had come to you was some of those yet, you know, And now I have to drink in the morning

to get in the car because the fear is back. And it is back worse than ever. Because you see, I'm not a new job.

And the truth is I know I'm garbage and I'm just waiting for them to find out that they've made a huge mistake. So I have to drink to get into the car to drive from North Hollywood down to Anaheim. I have to drink at lunch to get from the morning to the afternoon. And then I have to drink before I get back in the car. I have to before I leave Anaheim to come back.

And I did that for about a month. And my last drunk was Memorial Day week in 1985. I remember it started with my brother's weddings. Weddings and me have never done real well. And so I remember I don't remember much about the wedding. I do remember trying to make it about me and not about him. And then I came back to Los Angeles and I went back to work and it was the first day back after Memorial Day. And a bunch of us went to Charlie Brown's after work down in Anaheim. And my boss was there. And I remember I'm drinking wine after wine after

wine after wine and my boss. And when I drink, I don't know about you, but when I drink, my mouth starts to flap and it's flapping and flapping and flapping away. And I'm saying all the things that I shouldn't be saying because, you see, I'm trying to impress you. Because you see, I know I'm garbage. And so I'm trying to be something I'm not. I'm trying to be bigger and better,

you know? And trust me, I am not impressing you. And my boss has given me that look like, shut up, shut up, you know, And I can't. And all of a sudden, like silent radio again, I don't remember reading this. Like silent radio. I saw a line from the big book in my head that said. And before he knew what, he found himself pounding on the bar one more time, wondering how he got started. And I knew at that moment it was over. And So what happened was somehow I don't remember getting home from Anaheim to North Hollywood.

I do not. It was a blackout one more time. But what I can tell you is I came to in my apartment in North Hollywood on the phone to him who could not stand me anymore because I kind of stalked him a little bit asking him, why don't you love me anymore? And when that man heard who it was, the disgust in his voice, I could not believe that anyone could hate me as much as this man hated me. And so the next morning, I woke up hungover, I'm sure you know, and some of you had forced of some of the women had forced telephone numbers on me. And so I called one of those

phone numbers and I said, are you going to a meeting tonight? She said no, but you know where we are. And she hung up. And I'm going to tell you that woman gave me the greatest gift because it says if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it. And I had to be willing to go to any length to get it. I'm not sure I really wanted it, but I knew I did not want what I had any more. I could not live the way I was living anymore. I did not want to. I wanted to die and it wasn't going to happen.

And so I did. I crawled my way back to Alcoholics Anonymous and my first meeting back, I used to go to a lot of meetings at this place called Studio 12 in North Hollywood, and it was a men's recovery house, but they had a lot of mixed meetings there.

And I walked back in just terribly embarrassed and humiliated. And what I can tell you is what I most impressed me was that you remembered my name. And nobody had remembered my name in a very long time. And so you, you pulled me back in. And I'm not one of those I was happy to be here, newcomers. I got to tell you, you know, I really went out of my way. I think I was really daring you to ask me to leave. So I went out. First of all, you made sure I had commitments. Now, I never thought about turning down the commitments. And you just never occurred to me

very grateful for that. But you made sure I had commitments so that I would show up and be here in hopes that I would hear the message. So you allowed me to be the really the hostile, you know, cookie lady, you know, you know, the really mean greeter, you know, the, you know, I will make the worst coffee in town kind of coffee gal. You know it. And it really was I, I think I really wanted you to ask me to leave. And the old timers were just kind of, oh, honey, just keep coming back. Smile as they pour half their coffee,

pour water and it, you know, and you know what? And those commitments kept me coming here. And then you kind of, you kind of you kind of nag me about, well, I need to get a sponsor, get a sponsor, get a sponsor. And we'll finally ask a woman to get a, you know, asked her, you know, will you be my sponsor? And I remember she said, no, but I'll take you through the steps. Well, that wasn't quite the answer I was looking for, but I called her my sponsor anyway, you know, And then I just, you know, you told me if you could drink every day, you can go to a meeting every day. So you told me these things that just somehow I couldn't argue with,

OK. It's not like I had a great social life.

He matured commitments. You said if you can drink every day, you can go to a meeting every day. You nag me into getting a sponsor and you really highly recommended. I started, I start working these steps. And so I did start working these steps with that sponsor and I'm very grateful. I like I said, I was not easy to work with. I was really unhappy. I was really angry, which I discovered through a lot of inventories. That was fair. It was all fear. I was frightened of you. You know, we were just talking before the meeting about, you know, not liking people.

And I'm a woman who at the age of, you know, 12, I had a poster on my wall of Lucy from Peanuts that said with her hands on her hips, I love mankind. It's the people I can't stand, you know, because you all scared me. You all scared me. I've been very equal opportunity.

And so I came to these meetings and I started to watch trudge this road, you know, and that's where I began to discover, though the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't realize everything. I'm telling you now, I've learned in hindsight, I had no idea what you were giving me. All I knew is that if I went to these meetings

that for the for an hour and a half, the headache that I had, because trust me, when you think as much as I think you have a headache, I would get relief from that headache for an hour and a half, you know, and I would have some place to go, you know. And so, and then you start to tell me things like, you know, don't leave 5 minutes for before the miracle. And I remember sitting in Studio 12 thinking very hard, you know, it would be just my luck. If there be such a thing as a miracle, I'd be trotting

door right as it's about to happen. You know, that kept me here for a very long time. So I started to work the steps with that sponsor. But you know what the truth is? It says, you know, the promises happen midway through the 9th and it says you're really not going to have a spiritual awakening until the culmination of the 12 steps, you know. So what happens? I started to work the steps with this sponsor. And then when I was about three years sober, you know, I remember think I'm bored with my life, you know, and I'm a mover because, you see, when I'm bored, what do I do? I move. And I don't just move across town. I got to move 1000 miles someplace, you know,

and, and quit a job and move and, and I hadn't finished the steps. You see, I wasn't a free woman. I had no power greater than myself. I wasn't free. I hadn't done any of the amends, you know, but I was. So I just didn't want to do this thing anymore. And So what happens? I remember sitting there, I'm going to move and my mother was about to retire. My sister was about to declare bankruptcy up down here. And so she wanted to move and they all decided to move up to Seattle because I like Seattle. And So what happened was I told my sponsor, I still remember, I told her I sitting across from dinner and saying I'm moving

Seattle. And she gave me that sponsor look, that look that says, oh, well, there's nothing I can say about this except all she said was, remember, you can always come back. I'm so very grateful for that. And so I did. Within two weeks, I was out of Los Angeles, up in Seattle. And within 24 hours of being living with my mother and sister, I realized this had been the biggest mistake I had ever made. And I'm going to tell you Seattle A A is just fine. It is just fine. It was different. It is just fine. And I'm also, I'm going to say I'm very.

To the Pacific group, because there was a gal who had moved up there from the Pacific group and they really know how to be of service. And that woman, I was, I'm, I was heading out the door, you know, and she put her hand out to me and she goes, you're from LA. She goes, I'm from LA. We're going to be friends with you, like it or not, OK, You know, And so, and she, and then we took every commitment possible because commitments weren't quite as important up there as they were down here. So I did. I did everything she told me to do, you know, but what happened when you see, I did not have, I did not have a power greater than myself. I had not had

awakening. I had not finished the steps, you know, and I'm living with these two women that I absolutely hate. I mean, we have all regressed. Trust me. We have all regressed. So what happens is I almost drank at nine months and I got on my knees in the kitchen and I said to this power that I did not believe in. I said, please help me, Please help me. And then I said to my mother, and I got to tell you nobody. When I told my family that I was getting sober, that I gotten sober, nobody in my family jumped up and down. My mother wouldn't talk to me for a month. And my father always said was, I'm sorry, I said a bad example for you.

You know, it was the big elephant in the house. And so, umm, I said to my mother, I said, I gotta move back to Lai said it because I'm going to drink up here. And she would get that look on her face kind of like that. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know, you know? But So what happened is we all moved back to Los Angeles. And so here, so I can tell you as I took the second-half of the first step, which is my life is unmanageable

when I was signing a 30 year mortgage paper with these two women to buy a house.

And I'm living with these two women that I absolutely hate. And I'm buying a house out of fear of economic insecurity, that this is the one chance I'm going to have to have something that's mine. And I don't care that I have to live with them, no matter how much I hate them. I am down to one meeting a week. And we moved to West Hills and I'm living in an 8 by 10 bedroom, no aluminum foil, but I'm living in an 8 by 10 bedroom. I hate my job.

I'm going to one meeting a week, which is the Saturday women's meeting. And I got to tell you when I took my four year cake there,

I was really angry at my mother because she had ended up in the emergency room one more time. And I was less a little irritated at the got it because, you know, it was my 4th birthday. Not that they cared, you know. So I remember I went to that meeting and I took my four year cake and I got to tell you, not one woman in that room wanted what I had. I saw at that moment how sick I was reflected in their eyes. I don't know what I was sharing, but I guarantee you it was the disease of alcoholism at four years of going to meetings. And that's why I say you can go to all the meetings in the world,

but unless I was going to work those 12 steps fully and apply them daily in my life, I was not going to find peace. I was not going. I was headed out the door. Because the truth is, and this is something Clancy also says, the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous have done for me slowly, what a a has done for me quickly. And if I don't find a way to change how I feel inside, because my nature is restless, irritable, and discontent, if I don't find a way to change how I am inside, I will ultimately have to find a way to fix those feelings. And if I don't do it through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and a power grid,

I'm going to have to do it the way I know how, which is through alcohol. And the best I can hope for is coming to out of a blackout on the 405 and hopefully not kill somebody. And So what happened was that four. And so then what happened? A woman we both know she had just found out, Ashley, that she was at the Saturday women's meeting. You never know where the message is going to come from. She just found out about this Saturday women's meeting that her sponsor was going to speak. And she just found out that her sister had been diagnosed with terminal illness and she was too upset. And I remember she

she goes, would you drive me? My sponsor speaking tonight and I'm just too upset to drive. And I can tell you that after hanging out in a for about four years, I did no service had something to do with this thing. So I said sure. And little did I realize that that woman was going to be an Eskimo too. At the woman who I believe changed my life, which is my sponsor. And So what happened is I went and I heard that woman sharing that woman shared how at 7 years of sobriety, she and her husband, she was dying out of resentment and fear. She was having a nervous breakdown, but it was all about resentment and fear her husband and their marriage

over she she got she goes, there were like three women in AA in the town they were living in and she couldn't get along with two of them. You know, she was just dying. And I got to tell you, that woman gave me the first hope I'd gotten because she see, it was seven years, seven years and she was dying. And you see, because I realized that I had thought that if I had not gotten this program after my first year, I'd somehow miss my window of opportunity.

And so it wasn't, there was still hope there. And so it took me. I got to tell you, it took me a couple more months to call her to get a little more desperate. And Martha would send messages. She would send messages through Martha, the newcomer. I'm four years and the newcomer knows I'm sick, you know, And she would send messages through Martha and say, hey, if Gloria ever wants to call me. But you see, I have to pick up the phone and I have to ask for the help. And finally I did. I got desperate enough and I called her and I said, will you sponsor me? And she did exactly what the big book talks about. She said, why don't you come over and let's talk about it. And she shared her story and she laid out the kid of

virtual tools. And I remember sitting there in her part in her house in Sherman Oaks on Moorpark, just dripping sweat, dripping sweat, dripping sweat. And I'm waiting for her to offer to take me through the steps. But that's not what the book says. I have to ask for it. And out of my little voice, like squeaked, will you take me through the steps? And I got to tell. And then I started to go into, she goes, yes. And I started going to should I sell the house? Should I leave my family? Should I leave my job? Blah, blah, blah, blah. She goes, I don't know. And I got to tell you, she's one of the few people in alcohol synonymous that did not have an opinion on my life, you know,

And that is why that woman is still my sponsor today, as much as I've tried to turn my life over to her. And so she goes, I don't know what you should do, but I guarantee you if you work these 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, your thinking will clear up. And when you're thinking clears up, then you can make decisions that are right for you. That has held me in good stead since that day. So that woman is still my sponsor. Longest relationship I've ever had 25 years. And,

and I'm very grateful life has been up and down. My dad died when I had six months over, and my mother died when I had 10 years sober. You know,

I've had jobs. You know, my sister and I, when we went to sell that house, it got really, really ugly. And I had to become willing at 15 years of sober, I had to become willing to walk away from everything in that house because I was so resentful. I was going to drink if I stayed in that house, demanding what I felt was rightfully mine

because she did not want to sell the house. So I moved into a little studio apartment in Sherman Oaks. And for the first time, I found a little piece. And I got to tell you, I was really angry with her. Very, very angry with her. But Pat made sure I called her. She goes, you know what? I don't care what you talk about. So we talked about the animals. That's all we talked about. And finally, after working these steps and really applying and doing everything that Pat told me and calling her once, finally I came to a point where I went to my sister and I said, you know what? You don't need to pay me back anything anymore. I don't care. You're my sister,

that's all I want. And I was free. I was free. Yes, me. Goosebumps still.

So anyway, well, you have made me a free woman and a comfortable woman in my own skin and I am very grateful to that. And just I keep coming back because you know, I need you as much now as ever. I do know that I have another drink of me. I'm not sure I have another recovery. Thank you.

OK, what do I do now?

Oh, questions, questions.

Any question.

Wow, I must have answered everything in that little 25 minutes.

Sarah Hand Did I see it? OK, yes,

OK. The question is what is my life like today? You know, my life is it's real. My life is very real today. And I'm a woman who always had great intentions, you know, great aspirations, great hopes. Today is very real. It's good and it's and it's hard, hard times. You know, what I can tell is fear doesn't rule my life anymore. I have good friends in my life. I have I am peaceful. I am a woman. I am a runner by nature, you know, because you see, when I blow through all of you or there's something fearful, I got to go and I got to run.

But by working these steps and getting comfortable because you see, I do believe in a power greater than myself that I do. And I'm not going to lie to you. I wish I told you I did it every day, but I do more and more every morning Rev up the tools and ask God for help and ask God for direction and really try to turn the, the day over to that God that I am comfortable and I don't have to worry about whatever is going to come my way, you know, and I didn't know that I wanted peace. I, I, I think when I

in here, I wanted him, the house, the job, the money, you know, I mean, who doesn't honestly, you know, I haven't gotten some of the things that I thought I wanted, but I can tell you is I love the life I have. You know, I sponsor women. I am sponsored, you know, I have good fellowship. I am a part of my Home group. You know, I bring value to the table and I'm a woman who never thought I had any value at all, you know, and I bring value to the table. I try to be of service to the best I can on a daily basis.

Some days are better than other. And you know what, I'm glad we have just 24 hours in a day. And I'm glad I heard a long time ago, you start your day over anytime. You know, I'm grateful to be here. I, I am blessed. I am blessed that I have history with people. That's one of the best things that I see. I'm a woman. We had no history with anybody. My family very small, no history. And I have history with Beverly and I have history with Melanie and I have history with Manny. And for a woman like me who wanted so much to have connection, connection with people,

and even though we may not see each other often, I have a connection and a history with these people.

Nobody can take away and nobody. And just to finish up, nobody can take away the peace and comfort that I feel every night when I go to bed, knowing that I did the best I could. I do not have to drink anymore to drown the feelings of

discontent and demoralization. Thank you for asking. Yes, Sir.

So what happened with my sister when I told her that,

you know, my sister and I still have a relationship today and she, what I can tell you is she sold the house for a lot of money and I'm really glad I don't know how much. And she moved out to Washington, DC. We are, you know what, I love my sister and she is my sister and but I know who I'm dealing with. And so the truth is, and I found out through inventories that actually she's a very fragile woman and that I have a program, I have a place to go and she has no place to go. She,

you know,

you know, we're there for each other. I don't know that she tells me the truth about a lot of things. I mean, we still talk in a very superficial level. I know she's had health problems. I've tried to do what I can for her, but she's making the choices that she wanted to make in life. So I guess what I can say is I did not draw a line through her name and she did not draw a line through my name. I think the fact that I went to her and said you owe me nothing anymore was the turning point because where we were heading was there was no turning back.

It had become so charged, you know, And So what I know is when a resentment, it will take me down. And it wasn't worth it. And so I'm grateful for the relationship we have. It's not the kind of relationship I would have hoped for, but she's still my sister. And if push comes to shove, I will be there for her. Thank you for asking John

Hand over here.

Absolutely. Could I talk about the amends as particularly to that man

he was on the immense, you know, it was. Well, first of all, I'm actually very grateful for blackouts because there's a lot of men's I've never had to make, so I'm grateful for that

and moving as much as I have. They don't come up to you in meetings because they live in another part of the country.

The amends to my and like I said, the amends to my family was a little hard because nobody wanted to hear it. You know, when my father had died and I was not able to make amends to my father directly. So there was a man who was actually God puts people in our lives and a man that I worked for. He was just the sweet. This man loved me and he just loved me and I So I was able to make amends to my father through this man because at three years of sobriety, he got very ill. And so I would go and visit him at the hospital and I would read him out of the big book and I was able

tell that man about how I loved him. He was just a sweet gentleman and all the things I wanted to tell my father. I was able to tell that man when I gave me the immense to my mother, she just sat there. She really didn't want to hear it, you know, and all I really, and you know, what I've learned is we don't shove anything down their throat. You know, if a a if me telling her I was an A major uncomfortable, I didn't have to shove that down her throat. But what I did do is acknowledge I must have scared you. And I'm sorry I was so volatile and I'm sorry I was so needy. You know, I'm sorry for that, But I'm much, you know, but I'm, I'm taking care of

now and I'm responsible now. And, and that woman lived my we had that house until the day she died. And so I was, I was making a living amends to my mother and just being a good daughter, you know, now for the man, what happened was because trust me, he did not want to see me. And he was one of the last ones. I remember standing outside of Dickens on a Friday night. I had tracked him down and I had left a message at his work phone and, and said, this is Gloria. And I was six years sober, I think at the time. And so he hadn't heard from me in six years. And I left a message and I heard his voice.