The Brentwood Beginners Workshop in Los Angeles, CA

So now let's welcome our speaker, Clancy.

Here's how you know you got juice.

My name is Clancy Emmis London. I'm an alcoholic.

I'm very glad to be here tonight, safe and sane and sober, because I didn't used to be and I may not be again someday, because that's the

waiting trap for all everybody like us. But I'm feeling good tonight.

My I had my birthday this week and kind of year older and made me feel good. I was the first speaker of this meeting.

I was just thinking back in the 1970s or late 1960s

and that time we spoke, you spoke for two weeks so you could say what she had to say the first week and the second week you just sneered, took questions. But I'm glad we're done this and I hope we could catch our rent tonight.

I belong to a group that we pay $1000 a night, which is a little more heavy than you pay.

More sincere, I guess

for our landlord is

anyway one of the great problems I had. I've been had so a long time. I look back at one of the great problems I the great problems I had in my early sobriety when I was in and out and in and out. I could not believe I was an alcoholic and I see a lot that when I work with people today. What are you waving for back there?

Are you waving for some any reasons? Just

Jesus dummy,

I'm not judging anyone.

Micro put the mic

anyway

I could hear me. That's all I can turn about.

I, I've had a lot of problems in dealing with people who did not believe they were Alcoholics. And I certainly understand that because I was in and out of a for almost 10 years and I could, I could accept the philosophy of it, but I knew I wasn't an alcoholic. And when you don't believe you're an alcoholic, this is just too good stuff. And then no one's going to do do good stuff if they can help it.

And so I, I didn't really believe I was an alcoholic. And I also had a

I had a great disagreement with God, so I didn't want to pray. And

that doesn't sound like much, but it really effects people who have had a religious youth. I had a religious youth, so I always believed in God, but eventually he became my enemy instead of my friend. And it started when I was in jail. One night they had to come and tell me my son had died when I was in jail. That made me feel terrible.

That cursed gods and

damn you God, you killed my little boy. That never committed sign. The sin is left that I know of to punish me because I'm a Sinner. Well, screw you God, you'll get me when I'm dead. Maybe send me to hell, but she won't give me for the rest of the time. As I always had a little difficulty fielding those two objections in newcomers. In my case, I got a sponsor.

I didn't want him. He was assigned to me. He didn't want it either.

He was a movie actor and he I was glad to see him because I knew that they had a lot of money

and I figured I could. He needed a new friend and I could help him

but turned out he didn't need a new friend he needed a sober baby I guess. So he really ground me and spit me out. I always could outsmart people in a but I couldn't outsmart him. He, not that he was smarter than I was, but just more experienced. I remember

I was living in the backseat of an abandoned car in the corner of Wilshire and Fairfax at that time. Is that the, a, a club parking lot? So there's a certain spiritual fallout. And he would call up to Mission. He would call up the club and say the 3:00, say, tell him to be outside the street at 53636 O'clock. Is he going to be on the street and go to the corner at 6:00? And then how dare that guy do that to me? But I'll be out there. And he'd wheel up on his big Lincoln,

not jump in, and away we'd go. He did a lot of speaking, and I would go with him while he spoke and I'd sit in the front row. And after about 5 weeks of this, I could give his talk better than he could, you know,

And I thought he's not so smart. And then on the way home, he'd drive, he'd tell me about God all the way back to Wilshire and Fairfax from whoever you were.

Is our starting time inconvenient?

More important, get the moon out of your eyes.

I want to tell you something sad about that man.

He took me on a trip with him on the SST. We went to Europe, England, England or France to the Russian astronauts and the American astronauts were all headed the one get together of all time. And I went, Buzz came to me and said I,

my wife and I are divorced and my kids are in Hawaii. Who could I possibly take?

So we went to France and it was amazing. We eat outside of the restaurants. This was years after they were on the moon. People come up saying, you know, just they remembered him. But we took what up on the Eiffel Tower

and but half the way up seemed to me that he's getting a little queasy

and we were 3/4 away up. He said I'm going to get out of here and I was I was glad I said okay. We got off and

I thought to myself, went to the moon, can't stand the Eiffel Tower.

But some years later, his 30th birthday party, I said to him one day. I said, Buzz, why did you get off the elevator that time in the Eiffel Tower? He said. I was afraid you were going to puke on me.

Why should I be nice to him anyway,

this guy argued. He picked leave me a meeting would drive back to the mission

and he would tell me what God and his experiences with God. What a miracle. It wasn't A and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I thought how could I get this guy to stop his interminable sermonizing? I thought, well, I'll tell him,

I'll ask him some questions. He's such an egomaniac. That should eat up the whole space going back. So I said to mother, I said. I said Buzz those. That was Buzz. That's Buzz.

His name was Bob. I said Bob, you know one thing is pleasant reality and out of a for a long time and I know a lot about AA and I just don't understand it. My problem never was really alcohol. My problem was always these feelings I had that made me so uncomfortable

and alcohol would soothe them. That's why I drank alcohol and I started drinking. So keep drinking. But I didn't drink and start drinking because I craved alcohol. I just craved a cessation of the emotions inside of me, the feelings of difference and loneliness and sadness and

such as that. He said, Well, kid, he said, that's not unusual. He said that's not unusual. I said, but my emotions are my problem. You think I should go to a psychiatrist again? I've been to one

and he

he said no one will think so. I said, what do you, what do you think is my problem? Now I've told you as much as about me as I can. What's my problem? He says you're an alcoholic. I said, how could I be an alcoholic when my number one problem is not alcohol? He's a kid. Alcoholics are people whose problem is alcohol. Alcoholics are people whose answer is alcohol.

If it's your answer, you're in trouble

and you must always drink it because eventually reality will become untenable around you.

I thought about that the next day lurking around the club as that guy's right.

I run tests on myself and remember they got out of the nut house in Texas and I stayed sober till I swore to stay sober till I committed suicide. And I once had a great problem in living in reality. I eventually always drink now. The first that's true. What if that's accurate? I would have to assume it is. Maybe for the time being.

So I'll do what he's telling me to do these dumb things. Because if you, if you're not an alcoholic, you don't want to do these things. These are embarrassing, humiliating things. But if you're an alcoholic, they seem to be rather reasonable. So I pretended to be an alcoholic to myself and I started doing what he told me and I was beginning of my life. As a result, over a period of time,

I I look back and I remember I thought I might be an alcoholic

and I took the second step. I accepted the power greater than myself. I remember he told me. Can't you believe in the power greater than yourself?

He said. Can't you believe in a as well? I like it better than I used to, but not much, he says. Do you think I'm doing better than you are? As of course you are, Bob, Congratulations. I'm your new higher power. And I could accept that because he was my higher power

and I believe what he told me. And in so doing, I took the second step, although I didn't know it. I took the first step and printed adopting the role of alcoholic, and then the second step of adopting a higher power, and the third step of just doing what the higher power says. So I I take all three of those steps in one fell swoop without even knowing it. But since 1958

I've done any other therapeutic.

I sponsored a psychiatrist one year, but he got crazy and went left town.

I tried to help him,

but I've not had any medication of any kind in my body. I've smoked no marijuana. I have done nothing that alters my perception of reality, and I haven't gotten to be wonderful. But save my bacon, as the world has shaped up around me little by little, is now bearable and tenable and enjoyable

and sometimes even enjoy waking up in the morning

and getting out of bed. See what's going on?

But I think that was the great lesson for me. He wanted me to take a. We got into the

You want me to take a fourth step? And I'd always fought that because I'd want my future in the hands of some crazed babbler who might

burn me off. But I finally took my 4th step. One night I was working at the Gatey Delicatessen on Sunset Blvd. Very few people here remember that. I put a curse on them and 10 years later they they're out of business.

But I got fired. I was a dishwasher at the Getty Delegateston. I got fired the first night because I became aware the busboys were bringing in more dishes than the waitresses were taking out. So I knew they were getting dishes elsewhere to hurt me because I was an angle

and Smashes piled him up and said you're not doing many dishes. I said well I'm doing as many as they were using this restaurant. He said no you're not, what the hell is wrong with you? I said I'm an AA,

I don't give a shit what you're in. You just don't wash enough dishes,

and I've thought of that many Times Now. If you're kind of new, you might remember that. It sounds kind of crass to say it, but nobody really gives a shit what you belong to. They want you to do your work do your work that you'll be in business.

But anyway, I get fired that went back to the a club Wilshire and fair affection and we'd gone home to the meeting is about 11:00 just a manager of sitting there and got him John Sullivan. I said Sullivan man, I just got fired as a dishwasher. People I got sober after me got cars and girls and doing wrong and I can't even get ahold of job as a dishwasher and I'm smarter than him.

Yeah, I said I might as well be drunk,

he said. You're right

as what you expect from that thing.

What do you mean? Sally said. Well, there's about 1A and eighty members of this club, and at least 170 of them think you're a jerk and would be glad if you'd get drunk and die.

The other 10 have to defend you incessantly all day and all night.

Now, you might make those 10 people feel bad, but you please the 170 people if you get drunk. And I wouldn't do that. No, they won't. They won't give me. And I went back in the backroom and I got some paper and I wrote my inventory. I didn't write it with according to the book, with the rules and what Mrs. Brown did or things like that. I'm a dirty son of a bitch here.

I would suggest you if you're about to write your inventory, wait till you're feeling real bad

that it's easier to remember things then when you feel good as well. I guess I screwed up a few times, but

nothing serious.

But when you feel better, I'm a dirty pastor and here's why. You got to watch the teardrops wall in the paper and you know you're getting there.

I could better the sheaf of papers. Well, Sullivan, I wrote my damn inventory. I don't feel any better. He's well, nothing I can tell you, kid. So I got my car and went to bed and I guess he called my sponsor because my sponsor called me the next morning, called me the phone and said, I understand you wrote your inventory. I said, how do you know that? He said we sponsors

no

and I thought maybe it's true.

He said once you out the corner at 6:00 tonight, have that inventory with you

or take your 5th step. I said Bob, not tonight. I got to evaluate these things. Some of these things go back to what I was just a kid. I can't remember anything about him because I really am not a nice person. I'm a loser and a user and I use I've used people to come to the top a lot of times.

He said, well, just be out there with your sheet of paper and sheets the paper. And I pulled up people up at 7/6 6:00 and I got in. He had a bunch of flashlights. We went along the coast highway to Oxnard, got a dark. He said, take the flashlight and read and I read it and oh God, is worse than I remembered it. I'm really I'm a sneak and a liar and a cheat and a thief, and

I'm not pleased at all. I read it all the way. I thought he's gonna make me get out of this car and Oxnard don't have to walk back to Los Angeles.

But I finished. I said, well, that's all. Bob, are you done now?

That's the best thing you've done since you got sober, kid. And I said thought it was,

But little by little I went through the steps that way. I made amends to people I never thought I'd make amends to. You may have been to a guy in Dallas who's he said you have to go to Dallas, make it white with this guy says you, you screwed up his

truck has erected truck.

I didn't mean to. He said let's get up to do that. You save your money here. You got bus fare to go down there and make it up to him. So I did, I said, got a little crappy jobs and I saved my money and I found a bus fare down to Dallas and I went and looked him up. I said, Doug, I've come here. I'm living in Los Angeles now, but I've come here to tell you that I I acknowledge the fact that I ruined your pickup truck and I'm going to make it up to you. If it takes a dollar a month for the rest of my life, I'll make it up to you. I'll physically make

make it up to you. He's OK. Well, that's nice. He's why you're doing that,

Alcoholics Anonymous. He's What are you doing in Alcoholics Anonymous? I said, well, I guess I have an alcoholic that's drinking most of the time I was here. What did you think was wrong with me? So I thought you were an asshole then. I think you're an asshole now.

Get out of my office. I'm so glad I saved all my pennies to hear that

and

was able to open up to my friends again. And I started sending my children who were living in Texas. I had four kids at that time. And I started setting them what they should have, little Christmas presents and cards and notices and birthdays, congratulations and things. And little by little, I started to feel better. And

I had to go back to University of Wisconsin, where I'd been expelled after I'd spoken at commencement, which was an unusual situation

and they'd expect expelled me. But I went back there and I, the chancellor wouldn't see me. I had to go back another time and he wouldn't see me. And I went back another time. My my folks lived nearby so I could go over and visit my folks.

And

one day he did see me and I tried to make amends

and he was very cold about it. But that's at the point of it.

Sometimes we we expect to make amends and people going to fall over us without admiration. But that's not true. We are we we still screwed up. And I little by little I came to, I got my sponsor died. They got different sponsor guy named Chuck Chamberlain down in Laguna Beach. And he's, little by little with his being, convinced me that God was my friend.

And

then I began trying to help others. That's what's all I've done the last almost 60 years.

His work with others and they're an ungrateful bunch. They'll say that for him.

Some of learn this very often audience plotting against me, but they're

you'll never get me.

But I'm that's why I'm so pleased. And so I don't wonder what makes it alcoholic really. Is it that you're drunk all the time? No, not at all. I've only known a couple people who drank and you drink that hard, you drink till you die.

It's if you if you find that you drink and it changes your perception of reality. It makes you more secure. It makes you I'm something.

Yeah, not this. This disease has been called a perception of or disease of perception. And it certainly is. Because what curses me when I stop drinking is I'm so glad to have stopped. But little by little, all around me, they start acting up and acting badly,

and I don't like him.

And I just finished directing a grand opera at the University of Texas at El Paso. And three months later I was in the Texas nut house because I'd stop drinking

and I got so bad I committed suicide. So I said and I directly

they they saw my record that I directed a grand opera. So I was qualified to direct the Christmas Pageant of the Texas Nut House in Big Spring, TX.

Really was very difficult to get, but

just trying to hold the three wise men off the verge of Mary and rehearsal, it was more than I could do.

But little by little,

the steps, I could always give you arguments against the steps. I could argue them anytime. And so it's kind of odd for me to get up and say that's the only truth I've ever found in my life. When I do those things, I don't get better, but the world gets better and I can still be fallible and I would always be fallible. I have a great letter home that Bill will throw to some people in Chicago

who wrote to him, said he had disillusioned them because he was he had made some mistakes.

He said nothing I've ever done there said has implied that I am above mistakes. He said I was as weak as anyone. The point is I, I got here first, that's all. And I, that's certainly true. I

got to meet Bill Wilson. I heard him speak of the 1960 at the International Convention which was held Long Beach. That here

I was in couple years later, I had a job. I got sent to New York to get some signatures on documents. I've become believable, I guess. And I got them all done the first day and the second day I thought, I think I oversee Bill Wilson. So I remember the World Service office. So I want to see Bill Wilson, the girl said. Well, he's, he's booked up hour by hour for the next two weeks.

But if you want to come back in three weeks, I'll get you in quickly.

I said no, never mind. I would. I'll I'll be back in Los Angeles then. So I went over the archives, was kind of looking through the pictures, old pictures of Bob Bell and Doctor Bob and their children and their family and letters they'd written and newcomers and all of a sudden here comes Bill Wilson. She said, are you the young man wanted to see me. I said yes Sir. He said

well my 11:00 didn't show up, come on in. So we sat and talked for an hour and you know what? He said.

I don't remember,

but it would have been something for your desert you needed to hear, I'll tell you that.

But

so I knew Bill Wilson, I knew Doctor Bob's son very well. Doctor Bob died before I was in his got sober. But Doctor Bob's son and I used to go and speak together at conventions, and he was a nice young man, good, good guy. He always talked about how

the day has the day.

Bill Wilson called around and found someone and got a hold finally of this wealthy woman at West Akron said yes.

My, my, this week my doctor told me I was, he was an alcoholic. And we're all in the Oxford Group. We all been praying for him, but he's drunk. And so she made a deal where Bill would meet Doctor Bob at her house and they went out together. Bill went out to streetcar, Doctor Bob went out in his car

and young Bob used to talk about that

his sister was sitting there because father was too hungover to drive. Sister was sitting there, his mother and father in the back and

all the way out there. He said his father just kept saying and I know today's Mother's Day and I ruined again for you and I'm sorry. I hope the kids forgive me and I'll give this guy 10 minutes, but I don't want to listen to another lecture about my drinking. I can't stand any more lectures about my drinking. I just and

they get out there and they had a bite to eat and this guy, the doctor and the Wall Street operator from New York got together in A room

and they stayed there for 3 1/2 hours and they came out and the doctor said to his wife, my God. And I can't believe it. That guy knows how I feel and why I drink.

Nobody else in the world. I thought I was the only one in the world like that. Yeah. He's just like me. Would you stay with me? Would you stay with us for a week? I know you're busy, but could you stay with us for a weekend? We can talk some more. So they sat together every day for a week, talked to spiritual matters, and Bill got impervious. Instead of Bob or Billy said, I'd like to have you stay this weekend with my family

because I'm going to New York to Atlantic City,

National Convention of the

of the Medical Association. I was there last year, now so drunk, and they ridiculed me and treated me badly. I want to go back to the show, but I'm like when I'm sober.

And Bill said she'll be glad to. He said I'll be home Tuesday morning

and Tuesday morning the phone rang. Mrs. Smith answered in the woman's other function. I'm sorry, so sorry to tell you this. This is Doctor Bob's office nurse that carried him off the train today so drunk he couldn't walk. I guess the big experiment didn't work out.

And Mr. Smith. I'll go down and get we'll come down, get him. Mr. Wilson, I'll come down, get him, make him, don't got him. Brought him back to home. He was crying. I've I've worked with a number of Alcoholics and one of the most sickening scenes of all the crying alcoholic. Jeez, they're dreadful. I'm sorry,

now you're sorry, you son of a bitch.

But they put him to bed. He sat up suddenly on Thursday.

My God, what day is it? This is Thursday, Bob said. Oh my God, I've got to. I've got to do a

do operation on cancer operation, and I can't do it. Look at my hand. My hand is shaking. I can't hold a knife. My God, it'll take away my license. What do I do? And his new friend Bill without got him some beer to steady his hand in a way once I'll be home about 2:00 and 2:00 came, but he didn't come. 3:00 came and he didn't come and 4:00 came and 5:00

this is a bitch, must be drunk again. 6:00 He opened the door and there was cold silver.

Where you been, Bob? He said when I was out, took that operation. By the middle of the operation, I thought the Oxford Group wants me to make amends for my errors and I never thought that applied to a doctor. But I really am a human being 1st instead of being a doctor swabbing all over Aqua today, making amends to people.

And I feel wonderful.

And Bill said good. That was June 10th, 1935. And that's the anniversary of Alcoholics Anonymous. And like a couple months ago, I spoke at their anniversary in Akron, OH. It was only the 82nd anniversary. Seemed like all that stuff took place 1000 years ago, 82 years ago. That's all he's been in existence and it's really risen all over the world.

No thanks, I'll go to ride

one of my agents outside.

But it's expanded us in 150 family, 150 countries, something over 2 million sober members of a A and which is amazing when you stop thinking it all of experience of mankind up to 1935, no one was sober. No one like us was sober. And So what we're going to do is find out how they stay here and cherish it.

And I hate to tell you, this newcomer, but listen to your sponsor.

If you don't have confidence in your sponsor, get a different sponsor. I remember lying awakened, I thinking, how could I kill that old bastard, not get caught?

But I'm glad I didn't, couldn't think of it. That would have been dead. So I'm very glad to be here, Dad. I'm glad to be safe and sane and sober and celebrate another birthday based on 12 steps and the traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's the end of my talk.

I

and now I believe is the question question and answer part portion. Any questions? Yes Sir,

How they changed the most.

Well,

one great change is that it has a great infusion of non Alcoholics,

narcotics addicts,

emotional addicts.

Many times I hate to say this, but it's true. People go to al Anon and think, I guess I'm an alcoholic because I feel the same way they do and they suddenly become an alcoholic overnight. But and they only miss one thing. They miss the identification because the only thing that makes you a a work is it's a bunch of pretty words without identification. But with identification, it's work.

Somebody says something, as Doctor Bob said to his wife. My God, they know how I feel. They know how I feel.

You could hear somebody get up in the podium or talk to you in the backseat of a car and talk about how they feel and you say, my God, that's how I feel. Then you have a start towards being a sober person.

Anything else?

Yes, ma'am.

What she say, Steve,

diagnosis to a diagnosis.

Well,

I haven't had much luck with that.

I was on medication off and on for many years with the intensity of my emotions,

but I

I've never taken one since I got sober. Once I began working the steps I didn't. Turns out I didn't need the medication. And that that medication is problem because it seems to me that it puts the cart before the horse. We are not an AA to get off drinking, we are an A to learn to live in reality.

And if I'm taking something else,

smoking marijuana, taking dope, I bet in reality I'm somewhere else and it's not working for me.

Opinion. I speak for Bill and Doctor Bob in heaven as well.

Bryce,

the new person as a sponsee. How do you begin with a new

well? I've often said that I begin by teaching them how I take my coffee,

two sugars and cream and be quick about it.

But that really is kind of a joke because of I

pardon. Oh yes, what do I do? What do covers what I started working with him. I we go to a lot of meetings together and I kind of probe him little by little of how how he feels and what his feelings of difference are and what makes him not feel that he's a member here and little by little explain it to him. Especially I can, I went to a meeting every night for

in a couple of years

and I'm glad I did. I only missed one night. One night the guy, a guy who's a nice guy, took me to the movies and my sponsor said, Oh my God, tonight. Well, Jim took me to the movies. Oh, where did he? Oh well, next time you have one of your suicidal impressions, what did you call somebody in the movie industry and not bothered me with that shit?

I've said that many times to others.

Anything else? I just, I just opened a lot of meetings and talk, meetings and talk, meetings and talk. I think that that's the way you break through the wall.

Yes, Sir,

11 step into your program on a daily basis. 11th step is difficult for me. It was always difficult for me, especially after I read it. We thought about it. She saw through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him.

And I'm not much of A meditator. Class A people, I mean type A people, are not meditators much, but I can. I've learned to meditate a little bit when I go to bed at night before I go to sleep

and I when I'm sitting in traffic and endless supply of traffic as I did tonight, I meditate a little bit for a few moments. I'll ever try to remember God means good for me. If I'm not getting good, I'm doing it wrong,

and but the second-half of that step is more conducive to thinking,

praying only for knowledge of His will for a bit and the power to carry that out. Every night when I go to bed, that I have for many years, I ask God to help me find the actions that will allow me to become the type of man that I was meant to be. I don't know if that's the right answer or not, but is I seem to sleep better when I may be able to say that sincerely

and I I remember I have to ask God

and if power comes with it, allow me to use that power wisely and well

and some self aggrandizement,

but that's a the 11th step is just to me is quite simple, just long as I remember to pray for knowledge of God's will for me in the power to carry it on. I think that's it operated part of the step.

Anything else?

Yes Sir,

how do I get involved in Middlesex? Well the last day I drank, October 31st 1958, I was came out of an all night theater sick. My front teeth were kicked out the Phoenix jail feeling terrible, penniless and some guy said you want to sell a pint of blood. I said, Jesus, do I ever?

We walked up for about 5 blocks to the blood bank, took a drop of right over here and was just hitting that room. He said who's innocent? I am said you don't have enough iron in your blood to sell a pint of blood here. Sorry, I did. Like could you give me a cup of coffee anyway? I'm so sick. I'm so sick, I can't help you pal, he said. But down here, about four blocks, there's something called the Midnight Mission,

which is designed for bums like you could not. I think they're serving breakfast.

So I'm down there and I lost some breakfast. Please, Beth just got done serving. Sorry, we're all done. I'll come out for Christ sake, give me a bite to eat a cup of coffee. Said sorry I can't help you. And I grabbed him by the lapels. Oh, come on, as a as a human being helping. Two guys stepped over, one detached each hand and they took me to the door and threw me out in the rain.

I said don't come back, you phony son of a bitch,

phony son of a bitch. Three years ago I said the faculty of the University of Texas as that I wrote the LC number As for the board company at one time, I'm making a lot of money. I've had my picture in the New York Times for my achievements

but it's really hard to explain these things mid air.

But I some years later I was working at KHJ

help create boss radio. If any of you will not remember it and

got a call when they said the director of the Midnight Mission just dropped dead of a heart attack. You know, anybody who wants the job, I said tell me a little bit about it. Well, you have to have some empathy for the men on the streets apparently. And they don't pay much, 8 or $9000 a year. And it's really, it really is kind of a tough job.

I don't know anybody wants that job. That's ridiculous.

And my wife and children get moved out here in 1973, I guess 63 and I was lying in bed one morning said to my wife, maybe I'll go down there and just straighten them out there screwed up. I'll straighten them out for for a couple weeks That make me feel good. So I went to Doctor Authority and I said, so I went in there and I worked around it, all the jobs and I straightened out their finances and.

Straightened out their paperwork, got their mess

and I, but I really enjoyed it because it's a lot going on there, you know, people getting stabbed and shot and killed and drunk. And

I,

I could hardly wait to go to work in the morning, see what's going on.

And one more, I was lying in my bed in January of 1974. I just, I think I'll take that job for maybe six months. She said well if you want to trade $100,000 years for 8000 a year, you're welcome

as well. I know it isn't the money, it's the it's excitement and thrown down. Told I'd like to be

temporary director of the Midnight Mission and I went again today 'cause I'm still the director of the Midnight Mission from 1974.

I I've been there a long time, 43 years, and we had February 1st and it's been a lifesaver for me. It's giving me a lot of time to work with others. I've had a lot of people in my office who have denounced them and hurt them and they cried and left,

stayed sober.

And I every that I sponsor, every that sponsor has been in the Midnight Mission sitting in my office thinking, what? Why doesn't the old fool die? But that's my experience with I was thrown out of the midnight Mission physically and I went back many years later and exacted a horrible revenge.

Yes, Sir.

We believe that Bill involved intended every member that makes it to Step 12 to sponsor someone else. Or do you subscribe to the idea that there's other ways to be of service? There are other ways to be of service, but I think the purpose of talking to someone is for me, not for them.

Repeat the question, Will you marry me?

Work for that guy, The Houston Astros. Well anyway,

anyway, the question was, did Bill and Doctor Bob believe that everyone got to the 12th step had to try to convince someone to be a sober member? Or was it just the other other ways of being of service? And there are many other ways of being of service, but I think the great value of communicating with someone else is for my sake, not theirs. Bill and Doctor Bob realized this when after sitting and discussing their spiritual values for a week, Bob got drunk.

And after that they they we have to find someone to tell about it as we got to do. And the doctor called up the hospital where he used to be invited and he called up a nun there, Sister Ignatian,

and said, do you have any alcohol? Do you have an alcoholic that we could talk to? And at that time, you couldn't get into a hospital as an alcoholic. You had to have something else, pulmonary problems or something. And she said, yes, I do. I have a man here. And he is, he is, he moves here from Louisville, KY, to get away from his drinking and incredibly, couldn't do it. And he's been drunk and in our hospital a number of times. He has arteriosclerosis,

comes in for that, but he is a drunk.

So can we talk to him? I don't know. Let me call his wife, see if you were permitted. And I heard that guy in the bed talk 50 years ago and it was Ed. My name is Ed and I'm an alcoholic. I was laying in that bed in Akron, OH, and I knew I'd ever be sober. And my wife came in and said two fellows, one talk to me about drinking. I said no,

I'm not going to talk to anybody else while I'm drinking. I'm sick of talking about people, about drinking. It's making me crazy,

but my wife's a strong woman.

So I talked to those two fellows

and they didn't talk to me once about my drinking. They took their drinking and what drinking made, how made them feel. I thought, my God, I'm not the only one. I'm not the only one, which is the story of most of us feel when we get identification. My God, I'm not the only one. It's what a great day that is, What a great moment. Because then you can extrapolate. There must be some more hair too.

And little by little the

the knowledge they had is that we have discussed spirituality for a week, but we must tell somebody about it. And that's really what it boils down to. You just mean that you have to become a crazed 12 step or anything, but you find some poor six son of a bitch in the corner and sit down and talk to him. Tell him. I know how you feel, pal. I used to feel that way too. There's a way out of it. Doesn't seem like any good. Those steps seem stupid,

but it's really hard thing. If you take them, you get, you get better.

And that's, I think that's what the 12th step is about,

having a spiritual experience as a result of these steps. We try to carry this message to others to practice these principles in our affairs. There's no, I don't see any, any conflict in any of that. Those phrases,

they can try to do better. They try to change their life. They try to tell somebody behind them who's not quite there yet.