The Palisades Speaker Meeting in Palisades, CA

Let's welcome today's speaker, James,

Where the guy go? Everybody get theme music for me.

My name is James and I'm an alcoholic. I'm pissed

I got acapella.

I want to welcome me if you know, the Alcoholics Anonymous and share with you that the program works. So

it's been working a day at a time in my life since the 4th of July in 1993. And for that I'm really, really, really grateful. You know, I, I want to welcome all of the people who came and stood up as new and took those chips for early sobriety and let you know that we do this a day at a time. And the book that I'll probably refer to says that what we all have is a daily reprieve

contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

If you don't know what that means, it's kind of like a state execution.

No, really

every day is the day that if the governor don't say yo ass is OK, you did me because I I suffer from a disease that almost 23 years down the line. Please hear me if you knew because the only reason I have 23 years or somebody else has 49 years. The only reason that we have the time that you don't is because I hustle ran out first. We haven't done nothing spectacular. The disease still has the combination to our safe also. That's why we continue to come back here

a day at a time

and go through what someone talked about the no matter what, do not understand what that is. And I understand it is possible because you don't have to drink no matter what, one day at a time for the rest of your life. I don't care what's going on in your head. I don't care what you've been through. I don't care what you're going through, what you're going to go through. We'll let you on in a little secret. When you go through it, it's just your turn.

It's just your turn. And, and the cold part about that is that after you get your turn, you got to take your ass back to the end of the line.

You hear people laughing because they've been at the end of the line a few times. After a while, you just wonder why the line moving so fast, so slow. Can I just get back to the front so I can go through when I get an opportunity to go through? Because I know on the other side of the things that I go through,

for some reason my life enhances and improves because I go through it

instead of doing what I've always done in life. And that's cop out

blaming things on people, places and things. If you had a wife like me, you'd be drinking and using too. If people was pissing you off, if your mother talked to you like if your granddad, My daddy used to tell me what's nicely my great grandfather. And I remember him sitting at the table and he told me that I

he said, boy, if they put your brain in a bird, it would fly backwards.

And I

wait. And I thought that was a compliment. Really. It truly I'm thinking that was a neat trick I'd be pulling off.

And I hadn't drank yet.

I probably needed a drink.

I know you guys seen that T-shirts that says instant asshole just add alcohol.

I used to have one,

my sponsor said. Fool. What make you think you need alcohol to be an asshole?

I

I'm sober by God's grace me

8192 days in a row

and somebody talked about it. Grace and mercy man grace. Grace is when I get something that I don't even deserve,

and and mercy is when I don't get what I truly do deserve.

Because had I gotten

justice as opposed to grace and mercy, I'll be breathing through a straw through the hole that the guy got poked his eye out on the other side of somebody's penitentiary

doing forever, ever, ever, ever.

Because when I, when I get loaded and, and, and, and I know we have some alcoholic and us. I've just happened to be around here long enough to understand the concepts of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I don't do a lot of talking about drugs and other things, even though the book tells you about other things. It it kind of talks about it, but I'll try to refrain to talking about alcoholism. But trust me, I did a lot of other things. I'm I'm, I'm. I'm not

what you see up here.

This is a reflection of Alcoholics Anonymous. Everything that I am that's positive and consistent is the direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous. Trust me when I tell you by by the time I got the Alcoholics Anonymous I was 28 years old. The memories of my past are far outweighed any kind of hope or dream that I could have for a future and the sum total of my life was zero. I was worth more dead than alive. As a matter of fact, I had a wife who shortly after that became my ex-wife who it reminded me of that

matter of fact, she taken out an insurance policy on me and I don't remember what the legalities was been antibiotics. What it said is I don't give a damn how you die. I get paid

and she kept it until I was eight years sober just in case

your ass going to pay off one day.

I I ran in and out of jails and institutions,

screwed up a military career, an opportunity to play athletics at a high level. I robbed myself through my drinking and using of everything worthwhile in my life. All of the plans and the goals that I have set out for myself as a child, things that I worked hard for, all went down the pipe of a drink.

By the time I got here, I had been leaning against the Berlin Wall downtown on Skid Row,

kind of praying to God that the police would come by and rescue me.

I ran through everybody's life that I could possibly run through anybody that would allow me to touch them. I screw them

because that's what I do. I'm an author of confusion. I'm a master manipulation. I could write a whole book on dragon drama and I will cross your ass like the 10, cross the 405. That's there's nothing personal.

I just fuck over people for lack of a better word. And I promise you it's nothing personal.

I don't have to know you or or none of that. We don't have to, you know, be friends or it helps if we're friends because it's a lot easier.

It's a lot of work to screw over people that you don't know. Got to get them to trust you and stuff.

So I started to drink. I saw y'all a lot of young people man. And that's, that's amazing, man.

When I came in, I was 28 years old and I had probably, I felt like I was about 4045 years old

because I, I had ran through people's lives, man, and I had everything that I could possibly do to continue to feed my disease. I was on a mission to do it. I didn't, you know, I'm not the person, you know, I was listening to a guy the other day and he was talking about some triggers that he had and I was thinking of myself. You a fool. Triggers. What's that? Let me tell you what my triggers are.

Consciousness.

The only one I got.

It's the only one. If I'm awake and I know it,

I I have to get something in my system just so I could get to normal so that then I can start my day of hustling to stay loaded.

Because I suffered from a lot of things that I didn't understand that I suffer from until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and was able to go through the 12 steps and do some self reflection and taking a look at the real problem minus the alcohol

'cause I like to be able to blame it on drugs and alcohol, but I can't

just the symptom.

The blessing is that I get an opportunity to treat the symptoms,

kind of like the common cold. You know there's no cure for a cold, right?

Can't keep yourself from getting it, You know you try La La yo ass out into the rain and start sweating. You'll probably get a cold,

but if you treat the the sneezing and the coughing and the wheezing Ness with the proper medication then you get well.

Same as the disease of alcoholism.

I can get well, I can't be cured.

So instead of trial I lying my ass out into the disease of alcoholism. I continue to come back here and fill up on spiritual principles and I watch people. If

I, I was looking and look, I, I don't know, can I, can I do how many people have five years or more?

And keep your hands up. How many people have 10 years or more?

How many people have 20 years or more?

What about 25 years?

If you knew that's the proof that Alcoholics Anonymous works. I don't give a damn what I say in the next few minutes. They've proven that that it works.

I didn't come here to become who I've become. As a matter of fact, I just kind of wanted to

be able to not

smoke crack,

but I wanted to sell good weed. I always wanted to be a weed man. I used to call myself a in high school. I was a agricultural commodity broker.

I don't even know how I figured that shit out. I didn't go to school, I didn't go to class or nothing. Nothing.

It sound pretty good though, didn't it? Really professional I was. I wanted to be a business owner

and, and I was really hoping that you guys could show me how to do that successfully and still be able to drink, you know, Heineken and a little E&J and and and Coke.

But for some reason, right after I would drink,

it would open the gates

for me the uncontrollably continue to get loaded.

So as I begin to go through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I understood that I was, I was, I was, I was constitutionally incapable.

If you knew, there's only two types of people that don't get this. There's one that cannot, and there's another that will not completely get themselves to this simple program. If you don't fit in those two categories, I don't care who you in the delusion that you are. I don't care how big of a legend you are in your own mind. If you don't fit into those two categories, you got a shot.

The key to this thing is being able to tell on yourself.

I learned early on that I had to be able to tell you some secrets. And I wasn't going to tell you who I was because I'm, I'm from a little town on the other side of the suburbs called Watts, right? And, and so I, I didn't grow up around people who talked about how they felt. Well, well, I mean, not like how I feel. They told me about how they felt about other people, you know, but we didn't talk about our feelings.

Somebody know what I'm talking about and, and it it wasn't cute.

You know, you can't be a gangster

and how feelings to you, you just

it's kind of difficult.

You can't be in the car. You know, they talking about kicking somebody ass and I'm talking about my insecurities.

Trust me, I've been in many of those cars trying to figure out how I was going to let them know we didn't need to do this without letting them know that I was trying to let them know that we don't need to do this.

So I really thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous, man.

Because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't have to go through the escapades that I've had to go through. A

leaning against that wall, being stuck in sleazy motel rooms, waiting on checkout time,

So loaded and paranoid that I think that the TV, I can't even watch the football game because I swear up and down when they huddle up. They talking about me.

I'm talking about, I'm talking about extreme. I know I'm not the only one. I'm talking about extreme paranoia, the kind that won't let you go nowhere, but it won't let you stay where you are either. You have people outside dressed like trees

and they have X-ray vision,

so I spent 4045 minutes trying to get the curtains right so that they can't see me

and I wouldn't actually financially stable. So the motel rooms that I was in were at motels. So it didn't matter how you closed the curtain, it was already as a space in it.

So I would do stuff like take the

blanket off the bed and put it over the curtains that was already over the window. And then I probably take the sheet off the bed and put it over the blanket that's already over the curtain that's already over the window.

And when that didn't work, I just take the whole damn mattress and post it up over the sheet that's already over the blanket, that's already over the curtain, that's already over the window.

And then alcoholic man would say, well, you know

they can't see you, but you, you, you, you can't see them.

So I take a spring out of the mattress and I poke a hole through the mattress and I get the paperback Bible because I don't know what it is about my area, but they think you should have a Bible in the room. I don't, I don't, I don't know. And I would and I would squeeze it through the hole so that I could where the guy go. 13/13/13

I was number 14

and that's the kind of stuff that would happen all the time.

It wasn't just every now and again. I would continue that cycle and then when the alcohol and other things was gone, I would sit at the edge of the bed waiting on checkout time and all I would get at best is a visit from the enemy.

You know who the enemy is, don't you? You know that voice that comes you in the quietness of your own mind and it asks you questions like what's wrong with you, man?

Why do you keep doing this? You got people that love you.

What's wrong?

Then we'll ask you something really stupid, like why don't you stop

now? The conversation is not the problem.

The problem is that I'm having a conversation with the problem.

It's kind of like being in jail. Anybody ever been in jail?

I know a lot more. Y'all been in jail? This is the honest program.

We go call your PO

well protocol in jail. Last time I went long long, long long time ago was that if you are the newest person, you have to have the top bunk unless you can kick the person with the bottom bunks ass. And since I can't fight, I'm like oh for four right. I always had the top bunk,

but it's kind of like being on the top bunk, listening to the person on the bottom bunk

tell you how to beat your case.

You laughing like you gotta be a fucking idiot. I don't think you're the same. I got what you got.

And if I'm not careful, I'll do that in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'll ask for a solution from people who don't have it. That's that's why sponsorship is so important.

That's that's why it's important that I get someone who's properly armed with facts about themselves, who have found this solution

that I don't listen to somebody that's sicker than me

or even sick as me, because they're gonna give me the solution that I want. They're gonna give me the solution that that that suggests the least amount of change when this is all about change.

Everything that I do is about changing Alcoholics Anonymous and accepting the fact that I need to do so in the 1st place. Because what happens to me happens to everybody. What happens what happens to me happens to everybody. It's no longer your fault. It's how I respond to the things that happen to me. This matters

so my sponsor used to tell me all of the time. Bro quit wishing shit was easier and try to get better.

Didn't make no sense to me, but you know,

I figured why not just leave it alone? It'll iron itself out.

It'll pass. Turn it over to God.

I tried that by the way.

I had like a $44,000 in debt

and I turned it over to God.

God turned it back over to the IRS and they turned it right back over to me.

The people were calling me and I finally got pissed enough to tell them about they self

ask them why they were calling me and the dude said look if you pay us our money we won't call you

Bob. Never crossed my mind.

But after getting into the 12 steps and about six years later, they stopped calling

because somewhere in the process of recovery, I understood that I was responsible for my actions, that only I could rectify the situation that I was in.

There's a part in the book that says we don't sit around and wait on God to tell us what to do. Instead, we do whatever is in front of us to be done and that we leave the results up to Him, which means again, that this is an action program, which is something that I don't like to take.

Still today I've been through the steps a lot of times, taking many, many men and women through the steps spoke all over the world.

But I'm still just susceptible as you who took a newcomer chip if I don't stay focused on my primary purpose.

And I'm clear that not that I'm worried about getting loaded, I got a good reason to believe that I'll never have to get loaded in a day at a time because I've done what you people have told me to do. I fulfill the conditions on a daily basis, not to perfection but I do it to the best of my ability.

So if you judging me you wasting your time

make it better right after the meeting. Shit, I don't know.

But what I have done is I've continued to come back and I've continued to stick my hand out to the new person and I've continued to

try to be better

at the things that I'm my worst at.

And when I fell, I fell forward.

And I keep on moving and I'm no longer my worst critic

and I don't live in the prison or what I think you think about me.

And that's a blessing when all I thought about was what you thought about me,

because I'm a legend in my own mind. Also,

thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you.

When I, when I, when I got the Alcoholics Anonymous, I, I, you know, I was on the verge of ruining the marriage and, you know, nobody wanted to be bothered with me. I went through maybe 123,

4-4 or five treatment facilities. I've been in and out of jails.

My wife at the time was trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

You know, I married her right out of she, you know, right out of college, out of Maryland. And she had not been exposed to something like me,

so she probably figured, you know, that it was something that she could do about it if she just loved me enough, if she just stood by my side and did the wife thing.

But she didn't understand that she wasn't dealing with the man that she married. She was dealing with a disease that was way powerful than that.

So I continue to do what I do

and be engulfed in this disease,

doing a lot of things that I didn't want to do.

I, I, I don't know if you out there and you've had to do some things that you didn't want to do and you knew that under any other circumstances you wouldn't probably do it. But because it was kind of like maybe the last result of in my case, it was the easiest result, the resort,

so that I could

get a sense of ease and comfort through alcohol and other things.

And then I would swear that I'm gonna never do that again. As soon as I got loaded, I'd do it again.

Then I will swear that I'm going to never ever ever ever do that again.

And as soon as I got loaded, I do it again.

And I will wonder why do I keep doing this?

And I heard somebody say that that that you're probably insane and, and

I figured maybe that made sense,

but I didn't understand what they were really talking about

today. I understand when insanity really, really is. And it's not what a lot of people think. It's not doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That's stupid.

That's just dumb as hell. That's what that is.

The book says that what I have is a lack of proportion of the ability to think straight.

That's why most of my biggest decisions that were insane had everything to do with the first drink,

everything.

And when I understood that the disease that I suffer from centered in my sober thinking,

it turned the light on in a very dark tunnel.

When I, when I understood that that the problem centered in my thinking, the thinking that preceded the first drink, the thinking that I had right before I took the first one or whatever it is that I took, the thinking that I had right before I did any of the dumb stuff that I had did that that is where the problem line. And that if I could deal with that, then I'd have a shot at life, man, in a better way. And that's where the 12 steps really, really began to help me because they gave me an alternative way to live.

It brought it brought common sense into my life

because this is a common sense program. You know, I have a sponsor and he, he's what, 58 years sober and and he's damn near lost his mind. But what he does remember is to come to meetings.

God's honest truth. His name is Hurricane

and for the last 10-12 years he said the same thing over and over. Every time he comes to the podium, he has about 3 or 4 minutes of the same thing that he says repetitiously and

some people mock him. But I will. I want to get there

because he found what worked, and he's been conditioned through time to talk about simply that. Even in his in in his

becoming senile, Alcoholics Anonymous continues to protect him,

and that's a pretty good way to go. If I got to lose my mind again, I'd rather lose it to y'all than anything.

Because if you got him up here right now, he would. I can tell you exactly what he was saying because he's been saying it for 1015 years

in the same room, in the same seat,

repetitiously,

which is a far cry from what I had done. Because the things that I were doing before I got here was stupid and repetitious

and insane.

And you people taught me how to do something different.

That's why I say that everything that I am is a direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous if it's a positive,

because I wanted to be a son and I wanted to be a brother and I wanted to be an uncle. I wanted to be a husband, I wanted to be a father. And I can never pull any of that off until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and I got living, breathing examples of what I needed to do and people who were who were not afraid to call me on my bullshit and tell me what I should do in lieu of the things that I have been doing. And that's what I needed, man. I needed some real direction.

Yeah. I thank God that some of the things that I learned in the streets I brought. I was able to bring in the Alcoholics Anonymous

and, and turn things around. And you know, I, I had a guy named Scotty who was, who was new and he was a old, old, old, old pimp from, from Compton.

And, and he used to tell me young boy, he said, don't forget all of the things that you learned because you going to probably need a few of them. And Alcoholics Anonymous,

he said. We don't want you to throw the stuff away in regards to your survival, which we want you to do is sit them on the shelf

because you may have to reach up and get some of those things. Some of the things that I had to reach back and get with willingness because I was willing to do anything, trying to kill myself.

But I come here and the shit that you tell me to do is too hard. Isn't that amazing? In that trip? Anybody ever experienced that? Except how dare you ask me to do that? I'm grown.

We know who you are. We got your file. We know exactly who you are when you walk in there because successful people don't come here. They, they just walk right by. If they peek in and see us, they, they, they don't just hang out to see what's going on. They they leave.

This is a place that once we stay here a while, we become success stories

and if you sit in here, you already a success.

This is the best place that I know, man. This is the place where we specialize in loving, unlovable people.

As a matter, as a matter of fact, the worst off you get here, the better chance you have a stand in that a trip. And I know that to be true because I was not a vision for you when I got here. I'm telling you,

I got here with a dirty shirt with holes in it, and it wasn't fashionable to wear holes in your shirt 23 years ago. It wasn't. It wasn't cute now. Now it's like a designer tool, but it wasn't fashionable. It was hoboish

and I had some brown khaki shorts that used to be blue, but they was brown around the part where the pockets was 'cause I went in and out of my pocket so much, thinking that maybe the next time I put my hand in, it was going to be more money in it than it was the last time I put my hand in it. Somebody know what I'm talking about?

And I had on some softball cleats

and they was at a 45° angle and I was walking like a Penguin ish

and I have braids in my hair that I had did myself

drunk.

She can imagine what that look like.

Similar to dreadlocks, but they weren't,

and I was in a bad way, man.

So I really, really, really thank you people, man.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

because I promise you I didn't come here for this.

I get to be all of those things that I wanted to be and it's almost second nature today. It's because you guys have taught me how to do something different and repetitious

to try to do the right thing just because it's the right thing to do, James, that even though your mind think it, don't do it. Do what's right instead. Because I trust me when I tell you I I still think the same way in a lot of ways. I listen to people say they whole way up. Not me. Not in 22 years. I'm still trying to figure it out

when I when I go to the liquor store or to that $0.99 store because I'm cheap and I get, you know, the the detergent with the no name and the toilet tissue with no name

right by there. They got Brillo pads right?

And when I see Brillo Paz, I don't think about scrubbing pots.

Somebody know what I'm talking about?

When I see liquor on the shelf, it still amazes me. I stopped about three or four years ago. I saw clear Brandy and I lost my mind. He looked at me like I was a fool. Like what are you from Mars Up, dude? No, I just can. I see it

because I still think the same way. It's just the actions that I've taken, and that's what you guys told me. If I do some things that I've never done before, I'll become someone that I've never been. You said that I needed to act my way into better thinking, not try to think my way into better acting.

And that's what I do on a daily basis because I understand in my thinking is still the problem even though I've taken it through the 12 steps. What it does is just gives me a clear, clear pair of glasses to see that I'm really fucked up

and that I really do get a daily reprieve that today is the day, the Today is the day, it's not the other 8000 and someday today is the day. If you knew today is the day, this is the one that you got. This is the one that you get to seize. This is the one that you get to create some change for tomorrow, but it has to be done today. This is the one that you get to continue to build on the foundation

for the rest of the day at a times that you get if you wake up.

But don't wait till tomorrow to do what you can do today.

Because tomorrow you'll probably wait,

you know what I'm saying? Until tomorrow.

And then tomorrow comes and you still waiting on tomorrow

and you sick as hell and you the last one to know.

Unless you want a Home group like on me. And they don't. They don't care about your feelings. They tell you

I come from the sit down and shut up and listen. But it didn't sound like that.

Almost supposed to be talking. Time for question. All right, time for question.

Did you give me the two-minute warning?

Was I that bad?

Oh, sorry, go ahead.

Well he always talk about this this guy, his best friend named Stickers who who they got drawn together and he robbed him.

The question was what did my sponsors say? What does he say over and over again? Now he talks about being in Casa Grande, AZ and how he went there with this with a hobo friend named Stick Horse and where they got drunk together and he cut him and he robbed him and left him there for dead. And somebody that he married found him in in the hospital out there and brought him back home and he told her she was bad luck.

It worked for him. Shit,

and there's a couple other things that he'll say, but it's the same thing because he's you know, he's he's in age, but but there was a time when he had more to it, but now that's all he says. This gentleman right here. Okay,

talk about an immense process that you went through. Anything that stands out,

One of my biggest amends was actually a living amends. Actually, you know, I was in a situation where I, I, I, I placed my brother-in-law in a position and he got beat to death with a baseball bat. And then because they didn't know that we were getting loaded together, I, I, they gave me the money to go pay for the funeral and I got loaded with the money.

And,

you know, they say to make direct amends to such people wherever possible, not win. And a lot of people think that it's when, if you listen to people, they'll say whenever possible, which means I get to control it, but it's where. And I wanted to tell my sister that I did that, but it would hurt her more than it would have helped her.

So what God did is he put me in a position where I was able to raise that man's kids for about 12 years

and help them to not be like I was. And so I never had to say that to her. Instead, she was able to forgive me for what I had done through my life and, and still today I get to be an example. As a matter of fact, my my great nephew was at my house right now.

So that was probably one of the biggest ones that stood out. A lot of the people, by the time I got sober, by the time I got in demands, a few of the people that I really hurt were were had already died.

The rest of the stuff was easy for me.

James But you just don't know the thought before the 1st drink. I'm saying how do you work that way out with yourself real well? 23 years, I understand. Then it came up a whole lot of times in your life. Say again, the thought before the 1st drink

before you took that,

like what's the potato you went through to make that decision like that? Sometimes I might have a whole lot of ideas inside my ear and I didn't read out to come down because that dog came in my head. It was nothing to block me from taking that first drink. How did you get past it? Sometime through repetition, he asked me what do I do with the first stop? Well, as I begin to do different things with the thought, then the thought began to get a lot weaker because it's it's either God or it's me. And, and as I begin to understand that it was just thinking

I didn't have to do it because I thought it,

then it kind of flipped the script because repetition is the mother of living. You know, I did the same thing over and over, screwing up my life. Chances are if I do the same thing over and over, you know, repairing my life, it'll outweigh the bullshit

in the back.

I have no idea. I just do what's in front of me to be done. I asked God for his will, to be for his will. Oh, describe my higher power. And what is his?

What do they want from me? I believe I can have it all. You know, I can't describe him. If he was small enough to me describe, he wouldn't be big enough for me to trust.

But he's everything.

Well, the book, the book says that it's a creative intelligence that resides over the universe. That's what the book calls it.

Last question, I'm sorry.

I love that you call this place a place where we love unlovable people. In the book it says be quick to see where religious people are, right? Experience you can share about that to be quick. Yeah, definitely. Because I come from a religious background and I understand that what I what I had Oh, to the book says to be quick to see where religious people are, right. But because they're they're I can't remember about it because something like their knowledge may be far greater than yours is something along the lines of that. But my reality is that I come from a religious background.

My problem was that I couldn't

conform to what they suggested that I do because I was too busy trying to be cool with the idiots that I was hanging out with. So when you guys reintroduced me to the, the concept of God, then I was able to see that it wasn't so much the religion, it was just the concepts of doing what was right because it's the right thing to do. And because I had some people to show me a lot of things of Alcoholics Anonymous and they were able to show me in the beginning where there was 6 steps and where they came from the Oxford Group. And, and those are the kind of things that gave me the foundation to understand that God is God and that I'm not in that

no matter where it comes from, you know, I can be OK with it.

Is that not your question?

Thank you.