The Paramount Speaker Group in Paramount, CA

I'd like to introduce tonight's main speaker, Howard P from Arizona.

Thank you. My name is Howard and I'm an alcoholic.

Aye, Michael, thank you. And frightening. Come and talk tonight. It's an honor to be here. I want to thank Brian for talking.

Appreciate that Brian gave a better talk than I'm going to give, but I'm going to take longer.

I'm gonna make up of it

equality for quantity.

Congratulations to the guys and gals that took the chips.

Actually very, you know, celebrating these milestones is a big deal for me and, and I hope it is for you.

I

have a good life. I feel good about my life and

I expect

expect to feel good about speaking here tonight.

There's a couple things I'd like to say for those of you that don't know me.

1st, for the newcomers, speakers are not authorities in Alcoholics Anonymous. The Big Book is our primary authority. We have only one primary authority, that is God as he speaks to us through the group conscience. But the Big Book is approved as our basic textbook by the group conscience. So that's our authority and speakers aren't. And in recognition of that, when I'm asked to speak, I make up stuff and say that it's in the Big Book. In order to add credibility

to my car,

I make up page numbers and nobody ever checks.

I get through. I hear people say, well, he's not much of A speaker, but damn, he sure knew that big book, didn't he?

I also, even though that's the main clock up there, I will from time to time look at my watch. I did not look at my watch to see what time it is. I look at my watch to give those of you that are worried about it a sense of optimism that I care what kind of day

life is good.

On page 45 in the big book

it says lack of power is our dilemma. And that is certainly among many, many, many other instances in my life. I know in and of myself I always lack the power to feel good.

I felt bad. Well, the best I felt

I think was just kind of a state of low grade alert about what the hell is going to go bad. And then when it went bad, I went, you know, off the chart with Vadnais. But

I, I, I can look back at my life now. I have a good life thanks to the program and the stuff right now. And I feel good about my life and I feel good enough now about my life. I can look back and see my life was always good, but I lacked the power to feel the goodness, to see the goodness. Lack of power

certainly my dilemma. I was, I was born in Alhambra, CA,

but I was raised in this little farm community about 45 miles southwest of Wichita, KS, right there in what we call the Bible Belt. Now we call it the Bible Belt because that's what we thought it was. But after I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I called the Bible Belt and then I heard people from South Dakota saying they lived in the Bible Belt and people in Arkansas, people all over the country while except in California and California.

Hell, we know we ain't in the Bible Belt, but

every place else they claim they're in the Bible Belt. And so nobody knows where the Bible Belt is, but we know it buckles about 45 miles southwest of Wichita, KS in the Methodist Church. And that's where I found out about that being Bible Belt.

That's where I learned that I was separate from God. I was told that God was up in heaven and I knew I wasn't in heaven, so I knew I was separate from God

and I felt separate from everything. I felt like I was by myself. And I was told when I was a little kid that we were responsible for making our own lives work. We had to do it, you know, and I, I wasn't optimistic about being able to do it. I was also told that if I would do what God wanted me to do,

and then if I got my life into trouble I could beseech God in prayer to help me, and if I had been good, God would help me, but if I wasn't, I shit out of love.

That was the way they said it in a Methodist Church.

Maybe they said Sol, but we knew what that was

under any circumstances. I didn't have any optimism. I couldn't make that work. I, I remember the first time that I prayed and knew who I pray unto and what I praying for. And I was about four years old,

and we all prayed in the Methodist Church for it not to reign because you're going to start wheat harvest that next day.

So we didn't want it to rain till after wheat harvest. And I'm telling you, it rained that day. At hail that day, the wind blew that day. It destroyed all the wheat and Sumner County, Kansas. And while nobody pointed the finger at me, I knew whose fault it was.

I knew who wasn't doing what you have to do to have God answered your prayers. And I kind of believed everybody else was doing it. So I knew I was responsible for wiping out the wheat crop. Now, if you're four or five years old and you've assumed the entire responsibility for wiping out the wheat crop, you have an ego problem.

And I had the ego problem. I still have the ego problem, but I really had ego problem. Then I assumed responsibility for stuff like the wheat crop.

I didn't feel good about wiping out the wheat crop. I didn't feel good about my relationship with God. I lacked the power to feel good. I was raised by a German family or the whole family were German. My my mom's maiden name was Stu Miller. My dad was Poland's. They were not happy. Go lucky. Bavarian beer garden Germans. They were Prussian Germans. They were stern, disciplinarian, rigid, and you did what you was told. Or you get a weapon,

add another theory, and then whip you anyway on the theory that you should have by God known better.

Or they had whipped you on another theory. I God, you'll know better the next time.

Add another theory. Don't cry when you get whipped. Well, I never got the hang of that. You whip me, I'm going to cry and and then dad get mad, you know, and I got beaten several times. I mean, just just really beaten, beaten. And I didn't make me an alcoholic. But I want to tell you I never got where I like being beaten.

I understand that some people do,

you know, but I'm not one of those.

I don't even understand those people.

I didn't feel good about the kind of kid it was. I didn't feel good about being whipped. I didn't feel good about the kind of student I was. I wasn't, I was a good student, but it wasn't as good as I could have been. You know, if I got good grades, I could have always done better or I should have been doing that good all the time. So, you know, and that's no big deal. It's just that I didn't feel good about myself or about my life and it didn't make any difference about the circumstances in my life.

My feeling good thing was broke. I think, you know, I also make up stuff about the Grapevine.

In the October 1967 Grapevine,

there's an article called the Pharmacological approach to Alcoholism. And in that article,

there's a doctor wrote it and he describes kind of a mechanism in the central nervous system which responds to the perception of a threat by releasing adrenaline and and steroids and and other chemicals out in your body for additional strength. And he proposes that the alcoholic has a biochemical defect in his system so that he feels

a state of low grade alert even when there's not a threat to proceed.

He feels like the rest. So then he looks for it. And if you look for it, let me tell you, you'll find it. And

and then, you know,

there's a Murphy's Law. Nothing is as easy as it looks and something can go wrong. It will go wrong. And at the work, man, I, when I heard that, I remember saying, tell me that again, man, That's the truth. That is a fundamental feature of my life.

After I came to A at dawned on me. Murphy's Law works

if you work it,

and I had worked Murphy's Law even before I heard about it.

When I was 12 years old, I drank whiskey for the first time. I drank about 1/2 of a half a pint of whiskey,

and it did for me what it did for nearly every alcoholic they'd have talked about. It made me feel good

and I'm telling you I did not. I had never had. I had never felt good before. Now many of you don't know this maybe, but other people feel good without drinking.

I feel good now from time to time, a lot of times without drinking. I never felt that before

and,

and, and, and I later found out that that is a spiritual experience. That feeling, good feeling and how I found it out was from the big book on page 569.

They describe a spiritual experience and the language they use in describing the experiences.

A change in consciousness followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook.

Is that a half of 1/2 a pint of whiskey? You bet. A change in consciousness followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook. And, and for me, I have further verification of this thing, a spiritual experience, from that same page where it says

this experience is frequently accompanied by a sudden, spectacular upheaval.

Mine always were, Always I would drink. I'd have that wonderful change of consciousness.

Little bit would have an upheaval

and I, you know, I drank that way. I drank not to throw up, but I drank to have fun, be somebody special, have a good time and never could do that, you know, without the drinking. I never like to throwing up. When I was in the Navy, I asked some of the guys I run with who didn't throw up or if they did, I didn't see them and I said how do you not throw up? Oh, they had answers. One guy said well, the problem is he said no, I don't throw up. But if I did, the answer to not throwing up is eat 1/4 of a pound of butter

before you go on liberty, and that'll coats your stomach. All right, All right. But I believed it and I tried it and I threw up butter like you wouldn't believe.

Then I asked somebody else. Now the guy said forget the butter, put bidders in your booth.

If you put bidders then it's going to get the hiccups. Discuss it,

man. I put bitters in it. I threw up bitters just the way I threw up butter. Now I was in Alcoholics Anonymous

for a little while and I heard normality cough and normality talked about throwing up 7 high and it dawned on me. Hell I haven't thrown up since I stopped drinking whiskey. It was a God damn whiskey that was making me throw up. Drinking whiskey made me throw up but I couldn't believe I couldn't. Whiskey was the solution.

Whiskey cannot be the problem, and otherwise the guy as smart as we think we are would stop. No, it was the lack of butter. It was a lack of bitter.

Something other than WW was a solution, and it was the solution.

Getting married wasn't a solution.

That certainly wasn't the solution, although I was sure it would be. I fell in love with my the lady that was going to be my wife. When we were in the 7th grade there were 21 of us in this little class in Argonne, Kansas and we went through the 7th grade on to high school together. She was my girlfriend I was her boyfriend in 7th grade but after we got into high school she decided to go with more and mature

boy and God I'll tell you I sure

I she was my dream girl and I never liked the fact that but I never told her I loved her but I knew I did. And then it came home in the Navy, and when it was 20 and

man, I quartered her. I'd learned some Shakespeare and some other stuff. And

so we got married. He was 20. I had a monk yet to do in the Navy. And then we were married 20 years, had three children. One of them is here tonight. And.

We were married about 20 years when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm telling you she needed Al Anon when we were in the 7th grade and she never heard about Al Anon till I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. So I'm telling you she did not understand my drinking and she didn't want to understand it. I tried to tell her.

I told her one time, you know, I had one of those deep, penetrating thoughts

where you had insight into the foundation of the universe.

And I was going to tell her and I forgot what the hell I was going to say about halfway into the sentence. And she said, you're drunk again. I'm glad I hated that. You know,

should I bet you 1000 times more than 1000 times she would say, Don't you think you had enough?

And the fact was, no, I didn't think I had enough. If I could still think, I think I'll have another drink.

I got a job in the 60s actually 1959 as an entry level engineer and I was a process analyst and I was good at at analysis and I knew the processes that I was responsible for. So that's good practice family. But one of the things they require in that work assignment was to write reports and and I did not know what the hell they wanted in the report.

For some reason

I didn't know then. I was just shut down. I could not. I couldn't do it.

And then I was immobilized and it would get worse and my boss couldn't cite me for my report writing

and I didn't like that.

I had to have this one report done on Friday and it was Wednesday quitting time and I hadn't even started the report and I took it home to work on it at home

and I never drank during the week back then. I drank on weekends. That was the captain of the patio party

to make sure we had enough beer and stuff there. But I didn't drink during the weekend during the week. But this night there was a

half a pint of whiskey in the refrigerator, and I drank about half of that. And whatever had kept me from knowing how to write technical reports went away. And the pieces just came to I knew. I knew how to describe as an introduction the analysis that I had performed. And then I went

step by step through the analysis and the results and then in conclusion, recommended corrective action. And I know it's a good report. And I had a technical vocabulary that I didn't know I had. And I got this report typed up and circulated for approval. Everybody signed it. And my boss's boss came up to me a couple days later and said, did you make this report? And I said yes,

he said. I knew you could do it if you just give us the effort.

And I remember thinking effort your ass. I gave you effort. It wasn't effort, it was whiskey,

but I thought that. But I knew. Don't tell him that.

Let him think effort. They'll give you a raise for effort. They won't give you anything for whiskey.

The important thing is I know it was the whiskey and I'm telling you it was the whiskey.

And from then on, and I wrote good reports and I know, and I know many of you know, I was in fact smarter after I had about 1/2 of a half a pint of whiskey and, and I could then I did have a better, better vocabulary and they were good reports. And I went from a process analyst to an engineer to a senior engineer. And I left General Dynamics Astronautics 1966 and, and, and moved to Hughes in Culver City as kind of a senior senior engineer. And they're not

supervisor and the only reason I ever got.

Only way I kept the job I had or got any promotion because I drank whiskey

and I had discovered you don't have to wait till Wednesday night to drink whiskey.

You can start any day at lunch.

Then I found out you can start anytime of any day.

It's 4:00 in the afternoon someplace

and it worked up until about

well, it was a lot of trouble with it, too. There was some trouble, not with the drinking, but just there's a lot of trouble. Good thing I drank or I couldn't have spit it. But

having I'm having trouble with my wife now I'm having trouble with my boss. I can't explain to him that I have to drink whiskey in order to write reports. They know that I can't do that. And I got drunk one day at lunch and he talked to me about it.

The next night he told me about a guy that work point who came back from lunch drunk and he said I fire I, I demoted him and I'll never get another promotion.

So I got the message. I hadn't just fallen off the turnip truck. I mean, I got the message the next time I got drunk at lunch. I didn't come back.

And then the next time now he's telling me about God, like about a guy that worked for him that would get drunk. I mentioned not come back and he said I fired him.

Jesus, you can't please some people.

How unreasonable can they be?

Well, in January of 1972, he demoted me, took me out of my supervisor job and said you've lost credibility with me and with the people that you were supervising. Now he didn't fire me. He put me on,

cut me back to the engineering and gave me

assignment to do special assignments for him, but he didn't fire me. See, those are what I call bottoms.

And when I hit bottom, I got well again and drank. And soon after that, I had told my wife I was going to quit forever. I said I know it. And and my wife was always, for the last 20 years, ever little hipstick. She was going to leave me and I did not want her to leave me. So I would promise to do better. And I'll tell you I would shoot tougher. I do Shakespeare, whatever the hell it took so that she would stay and then and I would stop drinking and I would

seen it, but then someone had to have to have a drink and then I'd be right down the tube and she's going to leave. Well, I told her I was going to stop drinking in January of 1972, and I didn't last very long. I don't know if I made it today, but I know I didn't last very long. And then the next I went home after not even going to work but setting in a tattletale drinking all day. Then I went home and I said,

Pat, some people are born to drink and I'm one of those.

And if the only way you'll stay with me is for me to stop drinking, you're going to have to go because I am not going to stop drinking. It's it's too important to me. That's too much for me now. You can go to lawyer, get everything, put in your name,

whatever you need to do. I know I want you to stay. I don't want you to leave, but I am not and I'm going to. I'm not going to drink as much, but I'm going to drink.

And the next morning when I woke up, I thought, Jesus Christ, why did you say that to her? You know, now you've got yourself. You got to just shut up. You keep getting yourself in more trouble all day long. I sweat this. I came home and quit in time and I said, did you go see the lawyer? She said yes, I did.

I said you're going to get stuff put in your name, she said. The lawyer says we don't have any stuff

except a mortgage and we're going to leave that in your name.

But she said the lawyer says that you sound like you're an alcoholic and why don't I ask you to go to Alcoholics Anonymous?

I said that,

alcoholic said. None of us is for people whose life is in trouble because of their drinking.

Our life isn't in trouble.

It might get in trouble. I'll stop drinking, but we're not in any trouble.

Not too long after that,

after a weekend's drinking, a lot of drinking,

I couldn't, My right leg didn't work when I well, it would work, but not every time. And I didn't know when it wasn't going to work. And when it didn't work, it would just double up, you know. And I do, I suppose, what a ballet dancer would call a pirouette.

Face first into the wall. And I was seeing double. When I woke up, I still seeing double

and and a little while later I can't double. I could not focus my eyes together. So they're just one of anything and three days of that was going on and then my son, my oldest son took me to the doctor Pat. Of course, I don't know if any of you guys have ever been to an Allen on meeting, but I've heard my wife speak at an island on meeting and when she gets

to this one place, she says. And all at once, I realized

that the only solution

my kids and I was going to be that Howard had to die.

Everybody applauds.

I mean, there's identification here that seems to be a characteristic of people who belong in Al Anon.

Now when we get to this place where I'm doing all of this stuff

and I have a convulsive seizure, Pat sees this as a mixed blessing.

One, in a way. She's going to hate to lose me, but she's not going to have to kill me because it looks like I'm going to kill myself.

So that was her confusing,

I told the doctor. When he asked me, I said I don't drink at all.

He said, my God, if you drink I'd know what's wrong. I said, well, that's not it.

And later he said, Are you sure you don't grant? I said, Garrett, goddamn, you don't question my integrity.

I went back after his end program a while to make amends. He showed up on my immensely. I said I used to really drink a lot. I was really drinking a lot when I came to see you that time. And then he showed me what he had written in my record. He said this man is acutely intoxicated with probable alcoholic neuropathy. And so I had him fooled.

I had during this period of time, God has hopelessly in debt. I say hopelessly and happy to God out of debt when it got sober, but I felt hopeless at the time. I had a credit card my wife didn't know about and I was double the limit on the credit card. So I borrowed money which she didn't know about it from the credit union so I could pay the credit card down. And first thing, you know, you guys won't believe this, but I'm double the limit on the credit card again. So I have to buy more money from the credit union

now. There's a lot of pressure on. I mean,

God damn, there's enough stress anyway without this. And I had an opportunity to sell some equipment that I didn't do,

equipment that I found right before Hughes lusted. And I gave it to this fence to sell. And we're going to split the money. Nine days later, I'm in the tattletale. It's Sunday. I just paid my tab Friday.

Now I'm broke and I'm further into the tab on Sunday than I had been into the tab when I paid it off Friday. And I don't have any money or any hope for any money until next Friday, if I make it till next Friday. And I thought, I think I'll sell these industrial entrepreneurs here in the Tattletale

some electronic test equipment that they might use in their factories.

I think whiskey had stopped making me smart.

The next morning we're like, by the way, I didn't sell any test equipment. But when I came to the next morning, I, you know, and, and the little paragraph on page 8,

no one, no words can express the loneliness and despair I found in this bitter Morias of self pity. Quicksand stretched all around me. There was no bottom to this quicksand, you see, there were bottoms to all this other stuff and I'd stop long enough to do it well, and then I'd start again. But I'm telling you, there's no bottom here.

The equipment is not there. The equipment

is test equipment that has been calibrated in the test lab 2 standards and is scheduled for recalibration. And when it comes up to recalibrate, they're going to send somebody out to get it. Well, let me tell you, that guy ain't going to find the equipment. And when he can't find equipment, he got to fill out a letter report. Security comes

huge. Security comes looking for the equipment. When they can't find it, they have to send a report in to the federal government

who send out agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigation to find out what the hell happened to the governments property.

And I experienced the feeling, having realized this of that's described on page studio pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. And I think God and and my kids are candidates for the disgrace of that. And every father wants their kids respect and and I didn't have it, didn't deserve it. And now I was going to disgrace them

and I saw I'm going to have to stop drinking

until this blows over.

Then I remember what Pat said about a A and I thought if I call a A, that'll get me off the hook with her. This would be a good place to hide out. I will stop drinking or I'll cut down to be hell until this blows over. And, and so I, I, I, I went to, I started to go to work. I stopped by the Quick Stop liquor store. I got a half a pint of whiskey and I drank it. Then I went to work and I called the guy that I knew was the president of Alcoholic Anonymous Worldwide.

Guy named Kenny Shakespeare used to drink in the Tattletale. He left the Tattletale, apparently went to Alcoholics Anonymous and now been elected president.

Me and those other entrepreneurs got our facts pretty straight and that was the facts that we saw him in the Tattletale. And so I got his phone number and called him and I asked him if he was in A and if he take me to an AA meeting. And he said, yeah, are you drinking now? And I said no, which is the truth. I had drank 1/2 appointment. Right now I'm not drinking,

he said. Try not to drink anymore.

Well, I drank more. I drank three more half a pints and I was taking a lethal dose of vintage every day and I took my bunch of pennies and by 6:00 in the evening I did not know why I had called Alcoholics Anonymous thing. Things aren't really that bad.

I hope this guy don't show up, but he showed up driving a pickup truck, which was just what I thought the president of Alcoholics Anonymous would be driving. And

I got in the truck and I said I am not an alcoholic. He smiled. He still has a great smile. He smiled and said I know if you're an alcoholic or not, but we're going to the right place. And it took me to the Culver City Studio Group put just celebrated its 60th anniversary as an old group of the big book based group,

bunch of old timers. And

they I was warmly welcome and I made the feel at home. And and I was telling each person that wasn't an alcoholic and each person was saying that's all right, you're in the right place. Except one guy, one guy named Charlie Pitt. I said, I am not an alcoholic. And Charlie said you don't have to be an alcoholic to be a member of Alcoholic Anonymous or the culprit studio group. You don't have to think you're not calling. You don't have to say you're an alcoholic,

he said. What is the requirement to become a member is a desire to stop drinking. And if you were drinking earlier today and you have a desire to stop drinking now, that's all it's required.

And if you decide you want to be a member, then you are a member. If you have a desire to stop drinking, you want to be a member. That's the only nomination and that's the only vote you're in. He said that's how everybody here got in. He said whether you're here or not, your place will always be here. Nobody can take your place and Alcoholics Anonymous, and what a hell of a nice thing

to say to somebody that hasn't had that many nice things said to him and shouldn't have. But I'm welcome here.

And in the book on Roman numeral page 8, it said something about we are 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. And I know today that it is a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body only because Alcoholics Anonymous exist. If Alcoholics Anonymous did not exist, it is a hopeless state of mind and body for me

because no place else in our culture

is anybody doing anything or saying anything that could possibly have helped me,

and Alcoholics Anonymous has. And one of the things about you guys that made the whole difference for me

was whenever else in my life people tried to help me, right before they could tell me the answer to my problem, they had to tell me what I was doing wrong.

God, I don't care how much I like you and you tell me I'm wrong. I hate you

and I don't want to listen to you. You have no credibility. Just get the hell away from me. I don't want to be that way. I didn't. I was that way, and it was all right with me to be that way. But I hadn't started out to be that way. That's just the way I was, and I had become a person

where it was important to me to be right.

And after a while it was important for me that you know I'm right.

And if you happen to see things different than I do, then it's important to me that you know you're wrong.

And that was just kind of the way I was. Also didn't want to beat that web attack the way I was. Did not want to be that way either, because I didn't know I was that way. I just knew I was right and you were wrong and you should know it.

Come to alcoholic synonymous and nobody has ever told me I was wrong. Nobody ever told me I was full of shit. People told me that all my life, but you guys never have. What you've told me is what's wrong with you. You have told me what it used to be like. What happened to what you like now? You told me about not having the power to feel good in and of yourself. Having a knot in your gut, having a hole in your gut put the wind blows through.

See, I, I know about that and I don't know anybody else knows about that. But you say that about you and I know you and I have something

in common. And then you talk about the obsession of the mind that somehow, someway, this time I'm just going to drink a half a pint through the day. I'm going to baby the half a pint through the day

and man, I was going to do that every day. Every day. I just, I wouldn't go drink any more than 1/2 a pint. God damn it. I drink more than that and I get I'm just going to drink a half a pint. When I was drinking just to have a pint, I got promotions. I could think I could work.

Brilliant. That's all I'm going to do today. Of course, that half a pint's gone by 10:00 in the morning and I'm thinking better and I'm thinking, well, I don't mean just exactly 1/2 a pint. I'm going to average 1/2 a pint. I won't want to fall half a pint tomorrow. I think I'll look at tomorrow's half a pint at lunch and have a drink out of it at lunch and I won't, I won't mind tomorrow. Tomorrow I have a pint gone by 2:00 in the afternoon if you get off my back. I drink if I got damn want to. I hurting anybody.

Then I stopped getting another half a pipe on the way home

so that when I opened it in front of my wife and took a drink out of it, she would see why I smelled like I've been drinking, because she just saw me take my first drink.

She knew I couldn't drink very much because by the time I finished that half a pint I'd be sleeping on the floor.

Everybody be relaxed. I'd be glad he's asleep, you know.

Then I get up the next morning. You won't guess what an intelligent person like myself would think

in any other area of my life if it hadn't have been the booze. If it had been something else, I would have thought, I can't have any more of that until Friday, because it's Monday. I used it all up, you know, Now I'm into fight. Not ten. Tuesday morning, I get up, I go by the Quick Stop liquor store. Why? Because I'm going to get a half a pint of whiskey and that's all I'm going to drink today.

That's insane. That is an insane obsession

and coupled with that is a physical reaction that manifests itself. And for me, not a craving,

but in me wanting to have another drink and having it and then having another and then wanting another and wanting another and taking them. I told that to my muncher. I never craved to drink. He said, well, there's a kind of alcoholic who, once they start drinking, they keep slugging them down so fast that the craving doesn't have an opportunity to set it.

I'm one of those

now. I look back and see I had a lot of cravings. Anyway,

that was a wonderful experience for me and I was warmly welcomed and

after the meeting I told Kenny that I was an alcoholic. I said I'm an alcoholic but it won't work

because of all that stuff about God and I'm not going to work the steps. He smiled and said when he got in the truck to come to the meeting, the first thing you said is you are not an alcoholic. Now after one meeting, you get in the truck and you say you are an alcoholic, but you're not going to work the steps and it won't work for you because of God,

he said. You don't know it, but on page thirty of our big book it says when we fully concede to our innermost selves that we are an alcoholic, that's the first step in recovery. And so you're already taking the steps, but you don't know it,

he said. What has worked for me and what I would suggest to you is to not drink,

don't take business. I hadn't even told him I took finish.

Don't know how I noticed unless

lacking noticed. I said the same things over and over really fast.

Go to meetings sober and listen like someone with who wants to learn some new answers for how to live their life.

And he said, I did that. And time and time and time and time again, I would hear somebody describe a solution to a problem that I didn't know I had until I heard them describe that solution. And my head would say if I would do that in that same situation, my life would be better.

And he said in those situation I would do that in my life has gotten better. So don't drink, don't worry about the steps, just don't drink and go to meeting

and and I did that and I got laughed. I'd never laughed before my laugh. I moved so deep. Some of you guys could know from years and years ago. She lived in this area and she's wonderful gal. She brought laughter to me like nobody ever had. And she talked about shaking her fist in God's face and saying why me? She said a booming voice came to me and said because flow. There's something about you that pisses me off

now. I knew she hadn't heard that, but I loved her.

I loved your presenting. I heard Tommy O'Mara say if you make one mistake

and brood about having made that mistake, you've made two mistakes.

And the brooding is probably the worst consequence of the first mistake.

I knew that I'd made my mistakes like that, two at the time, all my life. I heard Ski from San Diego say he was 36 years and learning that all the people dedicated didn't feel it.

Guy named Archie Johnson, who you'd recognize if you saw Archie passed away. He was an actor. I loved Archie, Archie said one night when he was speaking. I'm so busy today wanting what I was getting that I didn't have time to worry about getting what I wanted. And NAA, we learned to live in the now, right now, and whatever's happening right now. Love that,

because that's what's going to happen anyway

and not liking it makes the situation worse. I thought. Let's jab Archie on the eye with a sharp stick.

Let's put his theory to test.

Because that's the way I am and that's the way I think I knew it all and I'm right. But I go outside and it's raining and I've hated the rain since I wiped out the wheat crop, for Christ sake. And

and I say it's going to rain anyway. That's what Archie meant. And I'm going to love the rain and it's that easy. I'm telling you, it's that easy. There's nothing complicated about it. I just love the rain because I decided I was going to love the rain. And then when it stopped raining, I had to adjust my attitude,

went to a meeting one day. I wasn't ever going to go to a meeting again. There was many nights, many days I was not going to go a meeting because the day was bad. And I would say a, a don't work. I am not going to go shake hands, grin like a baboon and say in this wonderful leaders, not wonderful. And I'm not going to meeting. I'm not going to drink, but I'm not going to meet him.

Every night that I said that, Every day that I said that, that night I forgot I wasn't going to the meeting and I went to the meeting.

And this night, it was a Malibu meeting on Saturday night. And Don Gates, Mr. Speaker, and Don Gates said that night in a wonderful talk, he said if you knew an A and you're not working the steps, hey, we'll stop being fun. And you'll decide that a A doesn't work. And you decide you're not going to meetings anymore. You're not going to drink, but you're not going to go to those damn meetings. You said you don't go to meetings for a while, then you'll go to bar and order a drink. And if you do that and the bartender says, what's the matter? I thought she was going to a A. Don't they A work?

If you're not working the steps to be honest with him and tell him you don't know if a A works or not, but you wouldn't try. There's nothing in my head to pop off about that. I knew