The Firing Line Group in Dallas, TX

I'm going to move this.

Hey guys, I'm Arthur. I'm an addict

crackhead. Actually, I like crack. I'm a purist in the California program.

Seriously,

let me take a moment of silence for myself here.

Enjoy this ride I'm on.

It's been good.

All righty.

So

it's interesting, you know, I told my story here four years ago

and I remember a guy told me in 2000 when I shared it at Omega Group. He said you're not a member of your Home group until you tell your story in in your Home group to your home family.

And that that really connects you, that they're really going to know you deeper, You know, because a lot of times, like most of y'all in here have heard me tell my story. You know, you come out to places I've told it, but it's not when until I stand up here and I just am exposed. I'm the focal point. I'm not sitting back there and I'm just sharing for three minutes. I'm actually laying it out here. And I know a lot of you guys have done that. It's, it's a different thing than going somewhere else and telling your story.

So I feel privileged to be asked to come back up here. You know, obviously

they didn't

get the Ticketmaster notice that you should have bought some tickets to come out to this event. But I'm OK with that.

Less is more in my book actually,

so I don't really want to go in. I started getting high in 1976.

I don't have enough time to go over my drunk drug story

and I actually, I don't think it's important, but something came up about my alcohol and drug story today, another memory. And it was like, holy shit. That one was interesting. And I think I'm going to share it because I think it paints a picture and it doesn't make me an attic, just exemplifies my addictions and why they played out.

I'll I'm going to give you a brief summary. I was

one of five kids, single mom, dad was in prison. He used to beat her.

They were fighting always cops beating him up because he was beating her up. And he served a pretty good stint for robbing safes. And he was just a piece of shit. Left us when we were really young and

my mom did her best. She moves back home from New York to Ohio and she tries to be our mom. She couldn't do it

so she gave us up and I ended up in orphanage

and then she came and got the older kids and then I stayed there a little longer, a lot longer. Then I ended up in back-to-back foster carers. I was in three foster cares as well,

and so by the time I was about 12, I was raising myself and I liked it. I did whatever I want whenever I wanted.

10 years old, I was taking subway rides from Queens out to Conan Allen, riding between the cars, hopping trains, hanging out in the city. And you know, we won't even let our kids down to go go to the park now. Well, I was 10 years old. I was sitting on chains, holding on, going under the tunnels, rocking between the cars, fearless, no boundaries. That doesn't make me an alcoholic. There's people that have gone through that and they're not alcoholic.

Something happened to me though, when I take a drink because I took my first drink in 1976 and smoked one joint

and it unlocks something in my mind

and unraveled something in my feelings,

and those were knots. My mind was tight, I had a clenched fist in my mind, and I had a knot in my gut that I could not reconcile

because I've been stuffing my life and stuffing my feelings. Well, that first hit. Everything opened up.

One thing occurred.

I need more

and I didn't miss a day.

I stopped going to school because I had this study.

The drug life

full-time

within a couple weeks. I'm Robin triple Beans out of the science Hall, throwing out the window to my buddy who's outside like they're not looking. Throw one out

back then you can open windows. Now their prisons, you can't open a window in the school, but so

that just LED so that one joint and sharing that quarter Miller High life with six friends turned into my last high, which is sitting there with a pistol and

using dope until I I was killing myself. I was literally killing myself.

So I'm going to tell you a story about in 1993, and then I want to move forward with something. There's going to be a theme to this. There always is. When I talk, for some reason, they pop up and I just run with them. And the theme today, if you want to, if you don't catch it, I want to give it to you. It's further

because no matter what happened in my life, I didn't anchor to being a victim. I had every right to do that. I didn't say this happened to me. I deserve it,

I'm a piece of shit. Or help me, save me, fix me, do something, make it better.

It's their fault, it's their fault, it can't be my fault. Whatever. I didn't own that.

Never the victim.

I was actually asked to take on the role by numerous counselors,

juvenile detention centers

everywhere. I remember being in the Army and I, Joel Sargent goes, you're homeless, aren't you? And I said, yeah,

I had no home when I joined at 16.

And he knew,

and

I just kept going.

So back to this time,

93 I I'm in Corpus Christi

and a person who was the most honest with me at the time saw me. I saw a billboard. I'm going on free. I'm smoking crack every day. It was bad too, man. And

Billboard said

if you need help, call Palmer Drug Abuse Program. I said that's a good idea that day. That was the best idea of how I've had in a long time. So I call her and I go up to this and it wasn't IOP. You didn't pay for this program, but it wasn't a A either. They went to meetings. A lot of people, you'd see them in meetings. I went up there and I met with this girl, Susan, and she's still a friend of mine on Facebook. She said what do you do? I said nothing.

I have three kids, wife she was and you don't do anything. I said Nope,

I don't work. I smoke crack all day. The moment she comes home, I leave and I smoke crack until I come home.

She goes, well, you need a life,

you need a life,

I said. I don't know how to have one. I don't know how to get one

and I think this is my life, right? Let's say the addict, to him, this is his only normal life because I was in full fight from reality.

I was man. So she sends me down to Del Mar College and says take the test to get into college, but go to TRC and talk to them because if you're recovering, alcoholic addict, they'll help you. I went and that happened. So a few months later that all happened. A year of staying sober down there, going to meetings, my life was magical.

I mean, 4 semesters in a row, full load 4.0. I never made a past eighth grade, remember? I was throwing scales out the window.

I would. My mom would drop me off at school and I'd walk in the front door, walk out the back, kick the thing and walk right out. That's how my day started,

you know? That's how my day started, you know, It ended. Robbing houses,

going through the mall, stealing clothes,

no neighborhood wrecking, you know, throwing trash cans through people's windows. Well, it was fun.

I loved it. I loved it. I did whatever I want. I literally defied all the rules and took a lot of beatings doing that too.

I have a great idea. While in

Corpus I said I'm going to go up to Richland and get into this Novell networking program at Richland College right down the road. So I come up here and while I'm up here, I'm in a full load and I did great Four point O again. My mom says, hey,

about 16 months sober now. My mom goes, hey, I have this car. I'm going to move back to Florida. I have this car I need to get to Dallas. And it was a classic Audi 100. She used to always say, you know, Robert Shapiro, the guy who did O JS trial. Well, he has one just like it. And I said,

well, she goes, yeah, you can have it.

I said, OK, cool. I flew out there

and for the three days I was there, I smoked $680 in crack

about all night, all night long.

And

I left there and I took that car and I drove back

and I get back to Dallas,

the car, I put some bad gas in it and Van Horn. So it's like 20 miles an hour for like 400 miles. It sucks so bad

because I was already feeling all I thought about by the time I got to around Big Spring. I got good gas. I had to run that gas out to get it to go again and I got some gas and I was like pumping about 90 in this car and I get to Dallas and I didn't even go home. I went and bought crack. So it was on again and it was on instantly. The problem is when I smoke crack, I don't, I, I, I get that first hit after the 18 months

and then I don't get high off any more hits at all.

That's what makes me an addict because I can't metabolize it and I don't have a filter that says you're high now. It doesn't say I'm high, it says you're not high now. Do more

or I can't breakdown alcohol correctly? I can't,

I have an enzyme issue. I do, I can't breakdown alcohol correctly. Maybe you can, but I'm unable to do that and something triggers in my head keeps saying you're not high, you're not drunk, drink more. I don't retreat, I advance and so I get back. And

I didn't

think smoking crack was going to work for me. So that's when I started shooting cocaine. I shot cocaine for 18 straight months, never missed a day, never missed multiple times throughout the day. And I had never shot up before. And at the time I was also shooting up some heroin and but mainly coke all day. And I barely smoked crack anymore because now it was, it was a combo meal. It was a happy meal

and what's sad is I remember one day I'm over off of

this dilapidated house. It was such a piece of shit house. It was falling apart and we were robbing power. It was a trap house, man. We were robbing power from a warehouse across the alley in the back at night. We'd run a suspension cord and plug it in off their outlet and run the house

and when they were there we ran a generator. So when it was freezing cold, when that thing was out of generator, we were freezing. But we stayed in there shooting that Coke stayed in there.

Number one day I was out of money, I'm out of dope,

and I signed the title for that car over for a hit,

one hit of cocaine.

And five minutes after I did that hit, the rush was over and I had no car

and I would have signed another car over right then for another hit.

And guess what? I didn't stop.

Three months later, my wife's packing up the kids and driving out of town

and I said, where are you going? Her dad's there. They live in Corpus. We had a house out near White Rock. And she goes, I've been telling you for six months, I was leaving. I said you never told me once

and she had one of them heart to hearts in me. She's you know what man? I'm sick and tired of you cheating on me

and having an affair. I said I've never and I was indignant. I said I've never had an affair on you.

She was listening. Ladies, forgive me for this, she goes.

You've given that bitch all your time, all your thoughts, all your heart and all your money,

I said. What are you talking about? She goes crack.

That's your woman

and you love her more than me

and more than us.

She goes so you can have that bitch. And she had walked, drove away. And how's that

floored? House is empty, nothing left.

I'm like, OK,

see this is see, the knots aren't united anymore. They're tight.

My mind is coming up with ideas like how to drive over the I-30 overpass off 635, that kind of shit. How to solve my problem. See, cause what happens to me in addiction is I don't realize that my problem is not my consequences of the things I do that caused me my problems, nor is it the problem itself.

It's the need to be OK on my own juice.

I can't pull that off.

And I tried

and I stuffed and I blurted and I ran and I anchored. I tried,

but one thing I did is I kept going.

I didn't stop and give up and I never played the victim. I've never even played the victim around addiction. I

I've just said this is what my you know what's funny too is I don't feel bad. I said this is the lot I've been given

because this is what led me to freedom.

How do I know how to get free? I would have never got free if I didn't have this. I wouldn't care

an afterthought. If I don't need God, I don't need God,

you feel me?

That's actually really good.

If I don't need God, then I don't need God.

And I did need God.

So Fast forward

2014 my crack hit a pinnacle. My crack using was didn't see. It had nothing to do with using and had nothing to do with the consequences. I was 27 lbs below weight. I could have used till I died. I wasn't going to run out of money. I had more than enough to kill myself with. There was and and actually I was in. I was inciting the death March because every time I got high held a pistol in my hand.

I don't know why and how to sawed off shotgun

really close

and I don't know why. Why did I need it? It just felt like

I was paranoid, I was delusional, I was scared.

So I got into the program by walking into this room at the other group and I've been in firing line for for over five years and I've been sober the entire time.

And

I met a guy who had just walked up with and fell on my sword. I didn't even ask him to sponsor me. I just said I need help man,

and I was serious. I was trembling,

my clothes didn't fit.

I was out of ideas.

I listened. At that point, I had the capability to listen. It didn't last long,

it wouldn't last long either. But what I heard

was keep going.

Those weren't the words he used. That's what I heard.

Keep going. I detoxed in my seat at Firing Line and I would leave the meeting shaking

and petrified and something. So just keep going and I would keep coming back

and eventually two weeks in, he starts working with me.

And

when I sum this up, and I say this very clearly, this is something powerful for me.

When my sponsor stopped going forward,

I walked right past him

because God didn't stop.

If he wanted to stop, that's on him.

I'm not gonna.

The path kept going,

so I kept going.

The light kept appearing only for the next step to track and then it was

mercury and then darker and darker and I couldn't see anything. And then we peer again and I'd go again, and that's how I was operating in my recovery.

I promise you I don't follow sponsors.

I passed them.

There comes a point that if I don't then I'm going backwards.

There's only one with all power. My sponsor's name wasn't on it.

My name is not on that

and I can't find that sponsor. Some other time I'm going to find them. In the moment, I can't find that power.

I'm gonna find him in the moment and I'm gonna have to trust that I can go further with that

and I can go further with that.

And I did

I

I've written 1 inventory in this span of recovery.

It was thorough

and honest. It was fearless.

It didn't require another.

You want to write more? I don't care. I'll write another inventory food right now. And guess what's interesting about that? I heard someone say this to me today,

that

the shelf life on my desperation or the grace last

a week to a month.

Mine hasn't left,

but what's important is that grace that got me here had to be coupled with something to keep me here

and I had to find that.

And I wasn't going to find that by listening to you guys and you know, having a pink cloud type of six months of break between my next using 'cause that's what would happen. Oh wow, this is amazing recovery's. Oh man, I'm smoking crack again.

This was going to require the most eviscerating pain I've ever faced in my life,

and guess what? That is not looking for comfort from the consequences of my activities.

That I did as manifestations of self see

I was suffering as a me,

and when I anchor to the idea of a me, my pain grew,

my manifestations got larger, and then the consequences of them became the object of ease. I wanted ease from that,

but I didn't want to ease from three steps back that caused that

because to look at that

would be the real work.

I just want to stop coughing so I could sleep tonight,

right? I don't want to feel a shot,

man, that's gonna hurt. And that's actually what happened to me is that every moment of further on a path

caused me to have to go deeper into some pain,

not to run from it,

not to distract, not to avert, not to mask, not to deny, not to delude myself. It was squarely. And you know what? No one in here is telling us to do that.

No one.

They're telling me stay busy, stay busy, stay busy, stay busy, stay busy. And my favorite speaker in the whole A program said I was doing the work of a A to keep from doing the work of a A.

And I wasn't getting any happier.

What I was getting was first in information. Information never got me happy. Information just gave me something to tack on to help me maybe see how to get out of the consequences of the manifestations that were driven by fear that were caused from a separation from reality.

Oh, I'm sorry,

didn't mean to. You know, because that's what I had disassociative disorder. I was separate from reality. I was delusional. My whole interface to reality was the way I believed it to be and painted it so. And I aligned with people just like me because God forbid you threatened my story

because the two things would happen. We'd be in contention

or I'm gone

because if you can't reinforce my narrative of suffering, I'm out.

And some people come along in my life on this path and they say

it doesn't have to be that way.

You don't have to feel like this.

There's a way out

and the steps were perfect for that

and I took them. I did it on this inventory

and all the work. When I remember about my 9th month sober, all the work is very powerful.

Did its job

and then it stopped

and it got to a point

where it said this

further.

Hold on.

Oh, and by the way, every step further required me to leave everything I previously brought to that point

there. I couldn't take that further.

My safety Nets kept getting cut out from beneath my feet.

My parachutes were unpacked as I was jumping out of the plane

by the very thing that asked me to do 1111 thing. Trust me,

because further doesn't look easy. If it looks easy, it's not further, it's camping.

It's pitching my tent here and saying I'm OK, but I'm talking like I'm there.

I don't want to be a hypocrite. I want to be free. I can't be free.

My God, man.

Man,

that's the part that hurts me more than anything else is I don't know what came into my life to say help another human being to the point of giving them every single thing you have ever gotten so that they don't have to feel what you had to feel, but they're going to have to feel it. I'm like

and then to know that they don't want to go through that to get free and to see it and yet to hear the same thing. I did

talk of freedom

when I spoke of freedom in the state of fondness. Heresy.

It's heresy. It's garbage,

it's meaningless, it's pointless. I'll continue with these superlatives until we get to the point that it's basically doesn't work. What worked for me is I shut my damn mouth and I said what's next? And I had no idea what that was going to be. And all I heard was further take another step.

I don't know where it's going. You know what helped me take that other step?

I was convinced.

I looked at my pattern of my steps

and all they did was walk in circles and I had traveled 33,000 miles and I never went anywhere.

And that's those miles. Guess where they were? Guess where those miles were walked in my mind?

The amount of inner turmoil to travel that distance in my mind and never having moved one fucking inch is torture.

Excuse me, those listening,

by the way, I was going to say a disclaimer. No audio video recording device is loud, but I'm I'm here.

Why would one do that? Why would one go further? Leaving the safety of the camp, dropping off the parachute before they jumped out of the plane, cutting all the safety Nets as they swing from the trapeze. And some people actually just went to Cirque du Soleil. So Can you imagine those guys buck the safety net today we're going raw. This is Cirque de so deaf. We're going to watch them. That would be cool though. Actually,

no, I mean, not that they blow up, but that they actually do it and take that risk and their real deal. Like, OK, Oh no, that's worth watching.

That's worth watching.

That's how my life became. It was. It was my life,

said there's the road. Less travel, guys.

And

I'm a quote, Socrates. Now Socrates says the unexamined life is a life not worth living.

That says this, though the inverse says the examined life is worth living.

I can't examine my life by superficially just touching my cheek. Oh hell yeah, I'm alive, we're good. And I walked back out the door and actually I just walked back into my prison.

We're good.

I'm never getting anywhere

and the whole time I'm talking about freedom.

So I was joking last night. We were playing cards and I said whoever runs for office in 2020,

here will be the two candidates. Cognitive dissonance 2020.

I don't know if y'all know what that means. It means holding two opposing ideas in your mind simultaneous, and supporting and defending both of them.

That's how I lived.

Tell me that's not suffering.

I had

cross conversations on a 3D chess board playing both sides

and I was on fire. That's like Bernie and that's and and I didn't notice the burning. I just knew I had to win. But I was playing myself. So every move I was going to make, I knew I was going to make the move before I made it. And I wasn't playing a flat 2D chess board. I was playing like 4D chess board.

I was doomed and I couldn't see that

there is a powerful thing on page 60.

6360 says we were at step three. What brings me to Step 3?

Is anyone not clear yet? I've described insanity well enough yet. Because if not, I'll read. We will backtrack all through that again.

Step three, if I'm at, I'm at step three. What brings me to the doorstep of Stephanie or the step of step three, like, oh man, I'm on 212, What's there? I've got to be convinced of what,

three

3 pertinent ideas we read at every meeting.

I can't drink successfully because I don't have a shut off valve or valve that tells me I'm drinking. I really don't

and when I stop I will start again.

Oh, in addition to that, everything I touch is shit, with or without drink

in recover, out of recovery.

If that's not your case, I promise you find somewhere else to be because this might not be for you. That's what it was for me. I will use any resource available to me and I will Marshall and I will control it, including myself and anyone I know to help me get free from that situation.

And I won't go to God.

Won't do it,

won't do it. Why? I'm God.

I'm in competition with God.

That was my pain

and God never yelled at me for that role, taking on that duty. He just said I'm here

always in the moment,

at anytime, any place, whenever you want me enough.

And I would take a step of my 33,000 mile steps in the same circle, believe that I'm traveling somewhere.

And he was right with me that every single one of them just waiting to point me in One Direction say now go further.

And I said OK,

2 pages later says we are now at step 30. What happened between those two pages?

Guess what? I showed up

loudly.

I showed up to exerting, believing, fabricating, defending,

positioning myself as God

in everyone's life

and mostly mine for only one reason. I was too afraid to face life,

so I had to control life.

And I promise you, we don't control life.

I challenge anyone right now to stop that noise.

Give it a go. I got all day.

It's been going on. It's been

listen to it like I'm enjoying it like that's fucking happening and I have no control over that and I don't mind it.

3rd step prayer asked me to just change my position from self-reliance and trying to figure it out.

Stop being insane and let something run my life. I'm not going to do that easily

until what I'm convinced of those three things convinces accepting something I once resisted.

And that was God

tells me what will happen if I do that.

Things are going to go better.

And I compare it to how well they're going when I run it. And I'm like, well, I can get, I can accommodate that for

for 100th of a second when I shoot some dough,

I can accommodate that. When she glances at me and she gives me that look, oh, there's that feeling. But God can sustain that over months and years

with no artificial

impulses to it. You ever get that feeling when she looks at you right

when that check comes in the mail and it has your name on it and it has zeros behind a number,

any number?

Does that feel good?

Those are counterfeit feelings

because they come and go.

Those things come and go.

Power, God doesn't come and go. It's sustaining,

perpetuating, and it's moving me forward.

I've

been guilty of guiding people into a third step situation

with turning their lives over to this power, this

power

prematurely before the convincing kicked in. And it happened to me numerous times when the convincing kicked in. It couldn't happen soon enough.

It had to happen immediately.

That's why they tell me to abandon myself utterly to him and I think well before I say that prayer.

We had a third step meeting at a group the other day

and I told them

I did that with that car.

I abandoned that car utterly

for dope.

It was really I was looking for the feeling that I wanted from God,

but I wasn't going to get it from God because see, God wasn't all I needed because I still had some ideas left. I still had things to do. I still had beliefs that I had to let go. I still have fears that were consuming me and my fears are warm. Every anyone ever get a warm fear and you wrap up in that fear and you just don't hate it, but you love it more than you hate it.

Because it feeds me.

Abandoned utterly

when I abandoned myself to God. It meant to give up ownership and responsibility

for what? This is tricky.

Me a me a me. I thought was me, but it wasn't me.

It was this projected facade of insanity, manipulation, intimidation,

fear,

belief systems, ideas, preferences, distinctions, narrations.

Check your own pulse. Is this not true?

Nodding heads. I like it. That's what I saw

in my life

and I hadn't seen anyone different than me yet on Earth. I mean, some aliens might have different stories to tell around this whole situation. I don't know.

Writing inventory after that prayer became easy. Doing amends became almost simple

because I wasn't doing it anymore. I abandoned myself utterly to him. It wasn't my car.

I don't drive it. I don't have a title to it. I don't even know where the keys are. I don't know what fuel it runs on. Something hopped into the my vehicle of my life. I'm that vehicle now. I gave up ownership and exclusive rights.

Now it sounds scary. Well, hold on. I'm not responsible for my life.

How? What am I? What am I going to do? I said. I don't know. It sounds like it's going to be good for you if you're like me.

That's the thing. It sounds

scary, but it was better than what I was doing.

Something began to drive me. Something begin to operate my life. Someone began to function through me

and it loved me

and I was always concerned for the welfare of others

and it didn't feel like I was being lied to anymore.

And it was resolving knots the old fashioned way. It was taking me through him,

not diverting them.

It was making me face my life

one step at a time.

That's what they're asking us to do in the book.

Looking at some defects I spot in four,

I had enough humility and fearlessness to share with another human being who then basically

said, your father, I get it. That's all they're really there for this basically notarize. You're fucked. That blocks you. Yes, obviously. What are you going to do? I'm going to become entirely ready,

and if I'm not, I'm going to be willing to be ready.

What makes me get ready?

Pain.

Fear

self.

But what keeps me from being ready are 5 words.

I'll decide.

I got this.

That's still ownership.

That's still

responsibility. I can't get rid of my defects.

I can't do it.

I can't stop using

sitting here today, over five years later. I can't stop being judgmental or gossiping about you.

I can't stop thinking

I can figure it out.

Can you imagine the level of how much I must have thought about trying to figure it out all the time compared to where I'm at now?

My goodness man, I did waste a lot of a lot of years thinking,

trying to out think my feelings,

trying to keep from feeling

and really I was just too afraid to trust,

too afraid to rely on something that cared about me and loved me.

So after I was ready to take a new position and not give attention and interest to myself, this stuff that was destroying me, I was convinced of its nature 'cause I was able to see it and catch it in the act

and it repulsed me.

But it did something really cunning and subtle. It convinced me it was me. So it was like, oh, you're never going to want to get rid of you, are you?

Come on. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to get you. And then I was stuck again.

Finally, I just sort of said I can't and I'm not going to.

Basically gave it the proverbial fuck you, I don't care, I don't care anymore

because I can't get rid of you.

You know why I can't find you?

How can I get rid of you?

But I got something for you.

I'm not going to listen to you either. And I paid attention to something different. And it was a power that knew everything was going to work out for the best for everyone.

And I wasn't put first anymore, including you, but everyone was first.

I was like, oh, that's a new way to go about this. See, I had this idea of a self at the center of my mind that was destroying my life and making everyone who cared about me or I cared about miserable.

Making that decision, saying that prayer, thinking well before I take it the next thing was there are a lot of things blocking you. You need to get a spiritual enema and you need to start looking at this stuff.

I'm involved, but I got a sandblasted or power wash it off you barnacles of pain,

you know, clogs of frustration and belief, doubt,

fear, knowledge. Knowledge is big man.

I'm in the I don't know, we'll see phase now. And it works a lot better that way,

a lot better. So four or five, 6-7 and eight and nine was just that process. OK, you trust me? This is what I'm going. I want to do through you. I want to take you through this. You can't go through this alone. You're not going to muscle through your inventory. Go rush out the door doing. 95% of people have ever sponsored are trying to do amends before they've let go of themselves.

So they're basically doing amends as their self and making it worse.

95% the other 5% died

so you're fucked. I didn't give you a number to land on.

I mean, honestly, that's what that was my experience.

So I get to 10 and something powerful happens in 10 because, uh,

they talk about it in here too.

This dude,

Bill Wilson,

he's the luckiest person I've ever heard about. I'm serious. And I might be one of the other lucky other people because we all similar and we're lucky people. Fortunate,

he said. What happened in 1010 says we have now entered the world of the Spirit and Bill Wilson said. I saw,

I felt, and I believed.

And a new world came into view.

And I will promise you, if you've been in here for longer than a year in a new world, hasn't come into view,

you have not saw because your beliefs are in the way.

I promise you that is what's blocking it.

I couldn't see until I was ready to discard a belief because it was blocking my view. And I couldn't discard my belief because my fear created it to keep me from the truth and to keep me from doing what? Going further

11

he says, Guys, here's the trick. If you shut your mouth and sit for long periods of time, something magical happens. Things in your life come up. You don't react or talk about them to other people and spit them on everyone like you're some, you know, like you're Snow. You know the rapper Snow Because that's how shitty you are as a rapper.

I don't know if anyone knows who Snow is, but Google or YouTube Snow because that's that's the kind of rapper we become when we share our fears.

It's garbage. You know the song, you know it.

So I'm sitting

in the Pez dispenser of reality keeps presenting me. Oh fuck, fucking fucking power. Fuck. Here's what I want to do, though. Fuck that one at the top. I want to