The Co-Anon meeting at the Cocaine Anonymous Arizona area convention in Scottsdale, AZ

All right,

welcome to the 2014 CA Area Convention of Co Anon Family Groups and Scottsdale, AZ. My name is Jessica and I will be your chairperson.

Would you please help me open this meeting with a moment of silence followed by the Serenity Prayer?

Thank you God, grant me this serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Conan Family Group is primary for you

who know or have known the filling of desperation when there is a problem of addiction to cocaine or other mind altering substances in someone very near to you. We have trial, we have traveled, we've trialled, we have traveled the unhappy Rd. to. We found the answer in serenity and Peace of Mind whether the addict is still using or not. Are there any newcomers to the Conan Family Groups?

If so, we ask this not to embarrass you, but so we may welcome you and get to know you.

We welcome you. No, it doesn't even say that. OK, so when you come into Conan family groups, you're no longer alone, but among true friends who understand your problems as few others can. We will respect your confidence and anonymity as we know you will respect ours. We hope to give you the assurance that no situation is too difficult to be lessened and no unhappiness as great is too great to overcome.

Our program, which is not a religious one but a spiritual way of life, is based on the 12 steps and 12 traditions adapted from Cocaine Anonymous.

We have found that practice of of these steps, it will bring you a solution to practically any problem. We urge you to take this program and it's 12 steps seriously. It has been as helpful to us as the Cocaine Anonymous program has been to the cocaine addict. We only asked for the wisdom and courage to see ourselves. So we as we really are to do something about to do something about ourselves with the help of a higher power as we understand this, and for the grace to release our addicts with love and stop trying to change them.

With the understanding that cocaine addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it. We are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own lives and Conan. We share our experience, strength and hope because it helps us to focus on ourselves and our own recovery. Then and only then may we be of any help to the to others. I've asked a friend to read the 12 steps.

A very good friend.

Hi I'm Kelly,

these steps are used by members of Cocaine Anonymous to achieve sobriety and spiritual growth. They were adopted from by the Cohen on family groups for the Enlightenment and the guidance of its members. One we had may wear palace over cocaine and all other mind altering substances in their lives have become unmanageable. Two came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood Him.

Four Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5 Admit to God, to ourselves, to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. Six were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7 Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Nine made direct amends to such people wherever possible,

Wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10 continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. 11 sought through prayer meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12 having a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, which had to carry this message to others and to practice these principles and all our affairs.

I've asked another friend to read the 12 traditions.

Hi, I'm Melissa.

The 12 traditions one are common welfare should come first personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity to our group purpose. Our group purpose is there is one but one ultimate authority a loving God as he may express himself in our group conscious. Our leaders are but trusted servants. They do not govern 3. The only requirement for membership is that there be is that

there is a problem with cocaine or other mind altering substances in a family member or friend.

The families and friends when gathered together for mutual help, may call themselves a Co Anon family group provided that as a group they have no other affiliation for. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting another group. Co Anon family groups or Cocaine Anonymous as a whole 5 Each Co Anon family group has but one purpose, to help the family of addicts. We do this by practicing the 12 steps of Cocaine Anonymous ourselves, by understanding addiction, and by carrying the message of hope and personal

recovery to the family and friends of someone addicted to cocaine or other mind altering substances. 6A. Conan Family Group never endorsed finance or lend the name to any outside enterprise. Less problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. Although a separate entity, we should always cooperate with Cocaine Anonymous. 7 Every group ought to be fully self supporting declining outside contributions.

Eight Co Anon family groups. 12th step work should remain forever non professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9 Conan family groups as such I never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. 10 Cohen on family groups have no opinion on outside issues, hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy. 11 Are public relations policies based on attraction rather than promotion? We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV, and films. We need to guard with special care the anonymity of all Cocaine Anonymous members.

12 Anonymity is a spiritual foundation of all of our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Thank you.

I've asked another friend to read Statement of Purpose.

Hi, I'm Kelly Jean.

Purpose Statement Southwest Regional Convention. The purpose of the 2014 California Area Convention is to promote unity and enthusiasm throughout the fellowship of Cohen on family groups. Through this effort, it allows Cohen on family Groups to financially support the World Services effort to reach out and carry the message to friends and family of cocaine addicts.

And I've asked a friend to read a relationship of of Conan and Cocaine Anonymous.

Hi, I'm Jerry.

The relationship between Conan Family Groups, which includes Codeine for its younger members and Cocaine Anonymous have a unique and special relationship. Although separate entities, they're all closely allied in their origins. They are mutually and naturally drawn together. Going on family groups desires to maintain cooperation with Cocaine Anonymous and thought, action and spirit as guided by our 6th tradition. However, cooperation does not in any way result in affiliation, outright or implied.

Thanks Terry.

I've asked a friend to read the anonymity statement.

My name is Amanda.

Anonymity is one of the most important issues in the structure of Conan family groups therefore, an observance of the 11th tradition of Cohen on family groups. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, television and films. We earnestly request that those gathered here honor this condition of

anonymity. We request that no record be made of this convention, either by photography, moving or still,

or by videotape. If you if you should happen to recognize someone here who identifies themselves as a member of Conan Family Group, please keep that knowledge strictly to yourself

all right

so tonight I have the opportunity to introduce our speaker it her name is Jan B from Phoenix, AZ. I've had the amazing gift to know that this

spiritual teacher for me anyways for the past

15 and at 15 years and some change, um,

and I just know I definitely would not be the person that I am today. She's given me the ability to communicate to humans through God. God has worked right through her and she truly, truly is one of my earth angels. So I'll give you Jan.

Hi, I'm Jan and

I I asked Jessica when she called to

asked me to speak. I said I don't do Co Anon except this the second time I've spoken and I said that's okay if I introduce myself as a member of Alnon. She said absolutely. So I am a very grateful member of Al Anon. I certainly couldn't say that when I came in in 1982,

but I can certainly say it today. And it was funny. We were laughing before the meeting because the topic

is trust and intimacy. So

I thought I knew what intimacy meant. So I go to the dictionary and I look it up and

I it one of the definitions is not a healthy sexual relationship between two people, but an illicit sexual relationship between two people. And I'm like, wow,

that that wasn't what Jessica

when she asked me to show her, but

not that didn't I didn't, I didn't have a lot of that on my journey

to recovery. But

you know, I always found Alcoholics very fascinating people. So

a little bit about my history. I don't like to spend the majority of a talk on my history but

I think it's important to establish how it was and what happened to get me here and what it's like since I've been here and

I was born into a multi generational alcoholic family.

On my daddy's side of the family were Scots and we go clear back to Scotland.

Lots of Alcoholics, multi, multi generational and my dad's dad was an alcoholic and my dad was an alcoholic and but there was no alcohol in our home,

but a lot of insanity and both of my parents were perfectionist. So I grew up in this perfectionistic home. And because I grew up in a perfectionistic home, there was no room for mistakes. And so I learned to lie. I was an extremely good liar when I got to Al Anon, and actually for a few years after I got to Al Anon, I still lied.

I would lie about anything. It didn't matter. I'd lied so much. It was such a habit.

It was a way of life for me. And

one time I brought home a bee on my otherwise straight A report card and daddy said, I know you'll do better next time. So that's what it was like. He was the perfectionist for life outside the home, and my mother was the perfectionist inside the home. She actually had a white glove that she put on and went around the baseboards when my brother and I cleaned house. We started doing that when I was six and he was 4

and so there wasn't much room for mistakes. Had to be very good all the time. And

so the I was constantly looking for ways to get out of. I didn't know who I was. I never felt like I belonged in the world because I was always the tallest thing in school until I think maybe I was a senior in high school. There were a couple of football players taller than me, but they went with friggin cheerleaders who were five foot nothing, you know?

But I was always different and I always felt apart from.

And so I became a model when I was in high school because you're never yourself when you're modeling. Never. If you're on a runway, you're, you know, Miss Extravaganza. And if you're doing photography or whatever the photographer wants you to be so. And and then I became a drama major in college, which was perfect for me. I mean, it's you. You're never who you are,

you're always something else. And and I didn't know who I was.

I was constantly playing a part, somehow, some way in my world. And I met my first alcoholic husband

and I knew he was an alcoholic. I, I used to joke about it, but after we got married, I had dropped out of college and we were going to go back to college. And I did that thing that we all do. Oh well, he'll quit drinking

when we start school.

I really thought that. And that didn't happen. And I

a few years into that marriage, he became violent and I became what I call a Wonder Woman wimp. I was by that time, I've gotten my graduate degree. I had a profession. I was one kind of person outside the home. And in the home, I was this wimpy little whatever I needed to be, I thought to keep the peace so he wouldn't

be nasty and rage. And I was in fear of my life. He, he threatened to kill me many, many times

and and he became a he became a white collar crime investigator for the Maricopa County attorneys office after we moved back here. And when I finally have had enough and was filing for divorce, he used to call me in the middle of the night and tell me that he was put out a contract on me. And one day, years from now,

I was going to go out and start my car and blow up. And nobody would ever connect it to him because, after all, he was a cop. So life was very, very scary with him. And there was lots of drama. And toward the end of that marriage, I read a book on alcoholism, and it was the first thing I even knew about alcoholism. And

the book talked about alcoholism as a disease,

and that was a whole new concept for me.

However, it didn't mention Al Anon. I still knew nothing about Al Anon. So I got out of that relationship and I spent a year or two on my own reading every self help book I could get my hands on because the next one I read was going to have the answer, you know the answer. And so out of doing all that, what I came to was,

you know, my husband had needed me. I needed to be needed. And so I went out and found somebody to need me. And that person was a paranoid schizophrenic ex outlaw biker pot addict. And that person really needed me. And we dated, I don't know, three or four, maybe five months. And then we just knew we were made for each other and moved in

together and work together for two years. And in that two years, he physically moved out 16 times,

moved back 15.

And and when I finally knew I had had enough, I asked him to leave for the 16th time and and he never, he never came back until just after I hit my Allen on bottom. And I spent about a year after that,

I became a workaholic. I was working about 80 hours a week. If you went home at 5:00 or had a weekend, there was something wrong with you.

And I was constantly in resentment toward you. And I filled my world

with work. It's all there was. I work seven days a week. I worked about 12 to 14 hours a day. I was an absolute mess. And so on March the 17th, 1982, my mother was in town visiting and my brother at that time worked at the registry resort. And so he took us all to dinner

and I was very, very tired.

I was tired all the time. You know how we get? We're tired. There's just so much to do all the time. We're so tired. And I was so tired. And we people at work all day had been asking me, are you OK? I'm just fine. I'm just tired. And so we go to dinner at a 5 star restaurant. Lovely restaurant.

And I couldn't eat. I weighed probably at that time, I don't know, 105 lbs or something. I was a stick and and I could need, I was exhausted and I got up to go to the restroom and I had grown up with low blood pressure and I fainted my whole growing up life. And so when I said to my family I'm going to faint, they like opt two. And I said to my brother, I'm going to faint. And he said not in here. And he gets up and he

rushes me out across was going to take me to the women's restroom and I collapsed. And I came to 45 minutes later. I was having heart problems. I actually almost died. And there was a paramedic, couple of paramedics there and they took me to the hospital and it was a weeknight and I had to be at work the next day. Don't you know? And I, I said, well, they said we're

you to the ER and I said, oh, do we have to do that? And they said you have very irregular EKG, we're taking you to the ER. So they took me to the ER and I left the ERAMA and because my mother was in town, she insisted I go to my doctor the next day. So I did and

he said, how long are you going to do this?

How long are you going to burn the candle at both ends? I've been talking to you for years and you continue to do this. How long are you going to do this? And I said, well I need to go to work. And he said you're not going to work. He said I've already called your boss. He said you're off work for a month

and I said you can't do that. He said it's already done and

I didn't know what to do. I mean, there I was at home. What do you do? And

the X Outlaw. But oh, my doorbell rings and I always looked through my peephole because I hadn't been with the ex Outlaw biker now, and I don't know, over a year, maybe two, and but he was paranoid schizophrenic and he hadn't had any meds in over a year. I knew that 'cause I knew other people who knew him and he was crazy as three bed bugs

and I, I always looked

through my people when my doorbell rang. Well, I didn't this time. I opened the door and there he was.

Craziest 3 bedbugs and he came in my house and

and he upended a bunch of furniture looking for pot. I said there's no pot here and I looked at him and he looked at me and for the second time in my life I looked death in the face. My first husband trapped me in a closet with a loaded 38 and pointing it at me saying I'm going to kill you.

And I said go ahead. And I know today that that God must have put those words there because he started shaking and put the gun down and I was never ever ever around him after that. So for the second time I'm looking at the paranoid schizophrenic ex outlaw bike or pot addict and he is going to kill me.

And I looked at him and I opened my mouth and I said, you know, I think you better go.

And he goes, good idea. And he left. And I went and locked the door. And my brother and dad got together and decided I'd go spend the rest of my month with my dad, and which I did. In that period of time, I realized there was something horribly wrong in the way I was living my life. And my brother called me up and he said, honey,

I think

I am an alcoholic and I'm going to go to an AAA meeting tonight for the first time. And I called

and there's an Al Anon meeting next door. Would you please go with me? And I said sure,

I would do anything for my brother. I mean, I'm not going for me, you understand? So I went and it was, it was still to this day the sickest al Anon meeting I've ever attended in my life. And it was an hour and a half long. And I, it was in Scottsdale and I, I lived in central Phoenix and I drove all the way out there. God forbid I run into anybody I know.

And it was a third step meeting.

And I'm an atheist and I've been an atheist by that time for,

gosh, 12 years maybe. And so they started this. Speaker All she did was talk for 45 minutes about her alcoholic husband and what a creep he was and how horrid he was and how he was this and how he was that. And I'm thinking, and I want this. Why would I want this, you know? And then they have a little intermission and then they go out in the courtyard in little groups

and they talk about the third step,

making a decision to turn our will and lives over the care of God as we understand him. And I'm like, let me out of here. So I, I'm, I make a promise to myself. I will never go to another element meeting except when I was leaving, somebody said, keep coming back. Now. I didn't know you said that to everybody

and and nobody liked me. Nobody wanted to be around me. I was not a nice person

and and so I thought wow they want me back.

So I found other me. I never went back to that meeting, but I found other al Anon meetings and then I found out it was OK if I was an atheist. Nobody cared

and and it was funny. I missed a lot in my first couple of years because you guys would say God or higher power or something and I would start counting. I counted ceiling tiles. How many blondes? How many brunettes?

There was number sense in counting men and women back in those days. There was one man in the entire valley in Al Anon and, and he was a double winner. And he was at, at all the meetings and we all loved him. But yeah, there was no sense counting men and women. But I would count tennis shoes, high heels. I would just count anything to keep from getting having to hear you talk about

God or higher power.

It was just gross. So I got a sponsor. After a couple of years, somebody said, you know, Jan, you really do need a sponsor. So I got this Nazi for a sponsor and she was a Nazi boy. She is just not your typical idea of a loving, gentle al Anon sponsor. And she was exactly what I needed at that time because I thought I knew it all.

And and she says to me, well,

take you through the steps and I go, really? And she goes, yeah, you need to go buy a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous because everybody used that book back then.

That's what we used in Al Anon to work the steps. We didn't have an Al Anon Big book till 1995. They didn't want to rush,

you know,

So she we do we finish with the first step. She asked me how I felt. I said crappy. She said, well,

you know, OK, I want you to read chapter four, we agnostics for next time. And I went, no, I'm not going to read that chapter. And she goes, excuse me. And I go, oh, no, we agnostics. No, no, see, I'm an atheist.

I don't want to catch agnosticism. No, no, I'm not. And she says, well, I tell you what Jan, you are going to read that chapter if I'm going to sponsor you. Otherwise I don't care. Get another sponsor. I went all right because by that time I had met my soon to be second husband who was in recovery. And so I thought, well, I better just do it.

So I did it. So, so we're in the second step. And, and, and she says to me, you know,

do you have any kind of higher power? No, why would I want that? She said. Well, because one of these days, you're going to need that.

And I said, well, all right, she said, we'll get something. And I said, all right, She said, what will you get? I said, well, I was out hiking the other day in a riverbed, and I got this really pretty rock. And she said, a rock. And I go, yeah. And she says, all right, So I call her with a problem, and she goes, have you talked to your rock yet? And I go, why would I do that?

Because your rocks, your higher power. So talk to your rock and then call me. Click,

she would do that all the time, hang up on me like that. And so I talked to the rock. Well, nothing happened. You know, I want you to fix this. Nothing happened. So eventually she says, you're going to have to get something other than that rock. That rock doesn't seem to be working, does it? And I go, no. And she goes, we'll get something. Well, I loved Jonathan Linton Seagulls, one of my favorite books. I love Jonathan. You know, Jonathan didn't think he could soar.

And he soared. His belief changed. He had trusted that he couldn't soar. And then he tried it and he did it, and then he could trust that he could soar. So I got Jonathan because he was a bird. He could see more than me. He seemed friendly, you know,

so I got Jonathan and Jonathan was my higher power till 1987. He was really terrific. Actually, I, I learned to talk to a higher power all the time. And so my second husband and I'm married and a couple of years after we married, he relapsed

and he went to treatment and he gets out of treatment and any relapses again. And we had separated because I didn't want to live with the disease anymore. I had made some progress. And so two years later, after he relapsed, 1988, he found cocaine. And then he found crack

and life totally changed for me.

I just thought I knew how to work an almond program

and we lived apart and 1990 his dad died and he had no money and he was doing motel time in jail and, and he said could I come home? And I said well you can sleep on the sofa. So he came home, slept on the sofa and and I start working

very hard Al Anon program because he would not come home all night.

And then he would come in and he would have blood all over him. His clothes, he was a impeccable dresser. His clothes would be torn and there wasn't a mark on him. He would go to lowlife bars and pick fights and go to the crack house and beat somebody up outside the crack house and and life was just getting completely and utterly insane. I mean insane.

And so I,

I, I had a different Alnon sponsor by then and I kept calling her up saying, you know, I have got to get a divorce. And she said, well, do you have perfect peace around that? Well, you know, I don't have perfect peace around that. He's driving me nuts. She said well, when you have perfect peace, my understanding is that's when

our higher power is saying it's OK to do something.

Perfect peace. Great.

So life goes on like that. And one day I had a business appointment at 8:30. He walks in at 8:00. He's bloody and torn. And I took one look at him and I had perfect peace. I wasn't angry. I didn't wish him any ill will. I had perfect peace. And so after my business appointment, I said, you know, I need to talk with you.

And he came out and I said, you know, we're done. I said, I don't know where you're going to sleep tonight. It's not here. You need to pack a bag. You can come back this weekend and pick up all the rest of your stuff. And

and he left

and I spent another couple of years

trying to I did a lot of inventory,

I did a lot of step work. I found out what my part was

a with all of that and

I made-up my immense cards and I put them in my purse because of course he's out there and I meet Paul and we eventually moved in together and life was wonderful. I was with somebody who was absolutely sober,

worked a very, very good program, had a sponsor, talked to a sponsor, work the steps, actually made amends to me when he needed to.

A wonderful. It wasn't without problems, but it was a healthy

relationship and we had true intimacy in that relationship. We could share our deepest feelings with each other. And it was safe to do that.

You know, we made amends to each other. We could share deep, deep, dark feelings. It it was really, really great. And we had some major challenges. His oldest son became a meth addict. And so I learned to work my program around an adolescent who was addicted to meth. Well, there's something else different, new. I had never done that. And that was an incredible challenge

and

but made it through that

and life was really going well. 1999

Paul had gone to the Saturday morning AA meeting at Crossroads East and my Al Anon Home group is wake up with Al Anon Saturday mornings at 8:30 at Crossroads E. If y'all ever want to come, it's a great meeting. And

he comes home from that meeting and he says, guess who I saw at the crossroads? And he was sitting with the residents and I go who? And he goes Bill, and I go Bill Who?

And he goes, Bill, your former husband, Bill.

And I said, what? Mind you, I have immense cards in my purse,

he said. You're not. You know you're gonna seem

and I go, Yep. And he goes, and what are you gonna do when you seem? I said. I'm gonna walk right up to that effing son of a bitch and tell him I want my money. He owes it.

And he said, what, You have carried a men's cards in your purse for years. By then it was I believe seven years. And I said yeah. And he says then you're going to do that. I said, you are so right.

So the next day we went to Diet Coke Sunday nights at Crossroads East and we come out and I'm talking to a sponsee out in the courtyard who had been on vacation. And and then we leave and we're driving away. And Paul says, you saw him, right? And I go, who? He goes, Bill, I go. He was there. He wasn't in that meeting. He said no. He was on the in the courtyard 5 feet from you the whole time you were talking to.

I could have asked that son of a bitch for my money.

And he goes, honey and I go, don't honey me. So now

it's the roundup to a a roundup was that mountain shadows and we go to the Saturday night speaker meeting and we're walking back to the truck and it's it's this like single file, narrow little sidewalk, you know, and I'm following Paul and I'm behind him. He's behind somebody. He turns around and he says, you saw him, right?

Who, Bill, I go, where was he in that meeting? He said, well I'm sure he was, but he just walked right by you

and I went what? And I turn around, look, he is running, running down the breezeway. Get away from me

wanting So next Sunday last, I mean Saturday, last Saturday in August. So I'm in my small group at Saturday morning and I go with that son of a bitches. I'm telling them and they're all sitting there, 'cause this does not sound like me. If that son of a bitch is out there on that patio, I'm going out there. I'm giving him a piece of my I'm going to tell him he and they're all just sitting there

now. I've been going to that meeting since the early

80s and Bill knows I go to that meeting. It's been my Home group forever. So there's a window in the back door leading on to the patio. So when the meetings over, I'm thinking I'm going to lookout this window and I'm going to see where he is. And I look out the window and he is running across the courtyard 'cause I he knows it's time.

And he's running, I'm sure, to get away from me. Well, see, what happened was I saw him

finally,

I saw his face. I saw the ravages of crack cocaine. I mean, when I asked for the divorce, I would have thought he was going to die in a year. And here it is all these years later and there is that face with all the ravages of the disease on it. And I just like every

ounce of anger and resentment that I had just went poof.

It just left. And by the time I got out there, of course, he was gone. Well, the next Saturday was the first Saturday in September and we have a step meeting corresponding with the month. That was the 9th step meeting. So in my little group, I'm kind of with the some of the same people. And I said, if he's out on that patio today, I'm going to go tell him that I owe him amends. Would he be open to that?

And

because I, I have learned to trust the process of the steps over time, you can't work on as many times as I have and not learn to trust that, you know, a higher power is definitely at work. And so I go out and he is sitting in a chair directly across from me and, and I start walking toward him and he starts leaning back in that chair.

And he's leaning back so far in that chair. It's tilted so far back. I'm thinking, Oh my God, he's going to fall on his head,

but he didn't. And I went up and I said hi and he said hi. And I said, how are you? And he said I'm better. And I said, well I'm happy to hear that. And I said I've got some of your stuff in storage. He said, well, I'm planning on being here a year. I said okay. And he said and I said, Bill, I said I owe you amends. And I said, when you're ready to hear him,

I would be so, so happy to make my amends to you.

And he goes, you owe me a mince. He was incredulous. I said, oh, yeah, some pretty big ones. And he says, while I'm doing my steps, I'll be there in about two weeks. I said, OK, so in two weeks after the Saturday morning meeting, I took him over to the park. And we sat on a table at a table and we made amends to each other.

And what that taught me was if I do the steps and I am sincere about it. And I did not realize until Paul told me he had seen him that I was not ready. You know, the eight step says made a list and became willing to make a minute. I was not willing. I wasn't ready. I didn't know that until I until Paul told me he had seen him. That's that's really

the most major experience I've ever had of thinking I was ready to make an amends and found out I wasn't. And I, I learned that experience was so powerful for me because what it taught me was

I need to not,

I absolutely have to be ready to make an amends. I can't make them before it's time. I just can't. They won't be sincere and I'm not going to get free. And so I I have learned

intimacy. I want to talk about that. How much time do I have left? A couple of minutes

I want to talk about my relationship with my higher power. It's the most intimate relationship I have today.

In in 1987, I was having a very, very horrible time. It was February of 87 and my life was just a mess and Bill had relapsed. I was terrified of financial insecurity. I, I had Jonathan. I was just a mess

and I had been out one night with a friend of mine and I came home

and every time I talk to Jonathan I always use Jonathan's name.

Hey Jonathan or Jonathan I've got a problem or I need your help Jonathan. I always choose Jonathans name. And I crawled into bed that night and I pulled the covers over my head and I curled up in a fetal position and I said help. And for the first time since Jonathan had been my higher power, I didn't say help Jonathan. I just said help. And the entire space under those covers lit up with this just incredible kind of a blue white

ethereal light. And I fell asleep and I woke up the next morning without fear for the first time since I was 3 1/2 years old. My granddaddy died when I was 3 1/2. And after he died, my I was just fearful every minute of every day. And, and I woke up without fear. And my higher power ceased being Jonathan in that moment. And

I I learned over time,

Paul and I Paul's had a couple of dry drunks in our relationship. I've had tons of problems.

January 1st he had a massive heart attack and was in the hospital for 35 days. He had a quadruple bypass, a pacemaker, a defibrillator, and the 18th day he was in the hospital.

I'll never forget this in the room. He was, he was. They had brought his dinner and he wasn't eating

and everybody was trying to get him to eat. And so there were two of his sponsees, 2 of mine and in the room with us and my phone rang and my brother had been suddenly very sick and the phone rang and I had this God awful feeling and I took it. And it was my sister telling me that he had died,

my younger brother.

And I couldn't tell Paul because Paul loved my brother and they were close. And here's what

my relationship with my higher power is so intimate. Today I was sitting out in the waiting room on the CVICU unit and I knew I had to go back in that room. And I said,

God, you're gonna have to get me back in that room. I cannot do this by myself. I'm gonna, you're gonna have to do it for me. And I was walking down the hall in one of his spots. Sees saw me and came out and said, did he die 'cause they all knew. And I said yeah. And he hugged me and that, and the others came out one at a time and hugged me.

And then I could go in and I could be there for Paul and I could be.

I was funny. I was cajoling because he wasn't eating. And we all got him to finish dinner. He actually ate dinner that night. And if it weren't for the relationship that I have with my higher power, I don't know where I would have been. Not just this year, but all the time I've been in al Anon I

My relationship with my higher power is the most intimate thing in my world.

And then there's Paul. He's the 2nd.

Incredible. I have learned to trust even when I don't believe it right now. I have learned to trust because of my experience over the years that my higher power is always going to come through for me in my highest and best good. It may not be what I think is my highest and best good, but it is always my highest and best good.

And

my daddy died April 11th. My brother died January 18th. My daddy died April 11th

and

I was talking to my sponsor the other day and I said

she says to me, have you even

stopped to think about what your life has been since January 1st? Because she said honestly, I don't know how you're even doing life. And she said you're not even just doing life, you're having fun most of the time. Some days I'm not, but most of the time I can get up, I can do my world, I can go to work,

I can work with my sponsors. Thank God for my sponsees. I have an amazing lineage.

Umm, I have the honor every year. If y'all have never been, it's really fun. Jessica is my chairperson of everything at my Al Anon Steps workshop retreat every year and at Little American Flagstaff. This year it's going to be the second weekend, and I mean next year the second weekend in April. So put it in your books. I'll make sure y'all get Flyers. But the thing about trust and intimacy is