Paramount speakers group in Paramount, CA

Hi everybody. My name is Larry Thomas and I'm an alcoholic and I want to thank Michael for asking me to come out here. And

it's good to see some new people here. I wanted to

I want to thank the 10 minute speaker.

Thought he did a good job,

could have listened to him all night. Fact, we damn near did I.

But I'm glad to be here. And if you're new, I'm happy that I'm sober. And I know those two words don't belong in the same room. Being happy and being sober. I've never been happy about being sober. And coming to Alcoholics Anonymous the last time didn't put on a warm globe either, you know, because that seemed to be my problem. I kept getting drunk and I kept getting sober.

And if you're new, my sponsor tells me that I'm living proof that a man can stay sober for close to 19 years

and not amount to a damn thing.

He says. I'm not much, but I'm all I think about.

And I know that there's a little of that in here tonight, but I'm happy that I'm sober.

And

for close to 20 years

I drank and put chemicals in my system and ran around crazy,

never knowing that there was an answer,

living that nightmare that I wouldn't die. And I kept up Wait. I kept coming to and having to start to live that way again. And now, for close to 19 years, I've lived an entirely different way. And I'm not afraid to wake up anymore. Mondays don't scare me. I don't have to look over my shoulder and there's no pending doom. I don't have to wonder where I'm going and who I'm with, and I don't need people to tell me how good I'm doing to feel good.

I I'm a member of Alcoholic Anonymous

and a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. They teach you not only not this isn't about not drinking.

You see, if you're new, I urge you to get the book Alcoholics Anonymous and read The Doctor's Opinion.

And if you're if you're keen, you'll find out that it's in the front of the book

and they talk about alcoholism and what you have.

And in that, in that chapter, they talk about a phenomenon of craving. And they talk about this conversation that this doctor had and that he had with this leading psychiatrist and that the only answer, the psychiatrist told this guy, the only answer for an alcoholic of your type. And he kept on saying that throughout this chapter. The only answer for an alcoholic of your type is entire abstinency,

and then the next paragraph starts out. This would start a seizing cauldron of debate.

And then it talks about people like me and you. And you know why it started a seething cauldron of debate is because that's the dilemma of people like me and you, an alcoholic of our type is that's when the problem starts is we've been sober. And now you're telling me that the answer is entire abstinence. And I've been sober and that's never worked before. In fact, sobriety drove me to drink time and time and time again. I couldn't stand the way that I felt when I was sober, which is why

the following chapters are about applying these steps to your life. First, you find out what you got, and you have to realize that you got to stop drinking. And because it's so damn miserable, we have these steps to take that put you in a state of living that makes sobriety bearable. Now, if you're new and you feel good, you may not need it. You know you can just grab your stuff and get on your way. But if you're an alcoholic of my type, the longer you stay sober, the longer you don't drink.

Don't drink unless your ass falls off 30 days later, come back no ass. You know,

the worse your life seems to get,

you know, and, and thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank God for a program of action where people like me and you can gather around and sit in a room with an hour and a half with people you don't like and, and come away feeling good. You know, and come away feeling good. If you're new

and you're sitting in this meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, this is not the answer.

Sitting in a room for an hour and a half is not the answer. Getting a brick on the wall is not the answer,

you know? Being a genius is obviously not the answer, you know? You know it's not about knowledge. It's not about believing that you have it. You've got a disease that the more you know about it, the worse off you are.

Because there are plenty people who come in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous who don't even reach a A even some of them who know they're an alcoholic and it's not enough to stop them. Why is that? Because they got a mind that doesn't give a crap whether they got You have a disease. You don't have a mood swing. You have a disease that when you're sober, the only thing it tells you to do is let's go. It's time to get it on, baby. You've got a mind that is relentless

and you are a captured audience and you've got a mind that don't even give a crap that you're in a A In fact, your mind is good for one thing,

talking crap

and it doesn't care that you're sober. And you will spend most of your time when you're new debating this head,

fighting this head off because this head is gotcha. That's why you need to get a sponsor. Get a sponsor. Get somebody who's been doing this deal longer than you. Now, if you're new, you don't know what a sponsor is. Several of you guys in here used to go to the drag races. Maybe some of you still do. Years ago, the dragsters were going so darn fast that the front wheels were lifting up off the ground and these things were going airborne and the and the drivers of these dragsters were getting killed.

So the engineers got together with some of these aerodynamics guys and they designed this thing that they put on the back of the dragsters called a spoiler

that no matter how fast that dragster goes, the front wheels stay on the ground. Hence the name sponsor. You know, no matter how crazy you get, your sponsor will firmly keep you on the ground.

Now, he may not, you know, wipe your rear and all that, but he will say kind and loving things like, well, where in the hell were you last night? You know, get a sponsor that is like that. Get a sponsor who's not concerned about your emotions, but concerned about where you were last night and get a commitment if you're new. And what is a commitment? Well, you don't have to get a commitment that has something to do with your meeting you're in making coffee, setting up chairs. Get something to hook you into your meeting

and then something to sit you down in your chair,

because that's the most important commitment an AA member has is fill in that chair.

Make a commitment to be at a certain meeting every week so that people who know you will know where to find it.

And we have a lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous who don't believe in Home group. They just go from meetings to meetings to meetings to meetings and nobody gets to know him. How you doing? Fine. You know how you and if you're gone for a week or you're sick, nobody misses you because nobody gets to know you. And that's why I've got a Home group where I'm accountable for where I can go in and I can fit in. And I don't feel like a guest because I've helped set up or I've helped make the coffee or I've done something to take part in that meeting besides just sit and put in a buck or maybe

dodge the basket. You know what I mean? And so I'm glad to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous puts on your shoulder something that you've been running from your entire life. And this responsibility, we have responsibilities being a member because it's up to us to keep these meetings alive. And I love my sobriety today. And I come from a good home. My mom and dad aren't the reason why I drank, for Christ sakes. I spent an entire lifetime looking around me trying to find out something. Give me a reason why I feel so crappy.

Oh, yeah. There's things going on in my life, but not enough to make me feel this crappy, you know? I mean, I feel crappy. Yeah, I got some goofy folks and some stuff going on, but I really feel a lot goofier than what's going on around me, you know. And my mom was. I was born in Detroit, come out to California when I was about four years old, brought up in a little foster home. My mom was a Scandinavian lady, little one, about 5 foot, and she loved diet pills. My mom was always buzzing around the house eating speed all the time, you know, trying to fix things, you know, And I knew if I ever

love or affection, I could find my mom in the garage around 4:00 in the morning, sorting out nuts and bolts all damn night, you know, And

she'd take that speed. And she loved to crochet. She was always, you know, doing Afghans, you know, and she take that speed. And everything in the house had a damn fresh Afghan, man. The chairs had Afghans, the couches had Afghans. My, my dad's golf clubs had little chipmunks. She just knit, you know, And if there is any animals running around, they had a fresh vest on, you know, and just a busy lady, man. And she got the gas power edger one night and she took off and she did the whole damn block, man did 10 minutes, you know,

just a busy lady. And and she loved to do those jigsaw puzzles. My mom would take that speed and do these jigsaw puzzles, these 40 million piece jigsaw puzzles of the Yuma desert,

you know,

she'd go to save on to get her a carton of Raleigh cigarettes because they had the coupons on the back and she'd save these coupons to buy more yarn. It was a hideous cycle she was caught up in, you know, she'd come home at my mom owned one Moo Moo her entire life, you know, and, and that thing was always shiny in the wrong places, you know, and she'd come home and start putting together this puzzle, you know, and she had a big pair of toenail Clippers. So if she got a piece that didn't fit well, she'd snip that son of a bitch right down till I did, you know, she had a job to do. Man, I remember being a little kid and my mom and dad always hit stuff in the kitchen.

My dad's booze was, was, was always stored by price. He had the cheap wine by the disposal and all the good vodka and bourbon was way up high, you know, and my mom would always have her pills in the in the kitchen cupboard. And I remember grabbing a couple of those Dexies and being about 8 years old and just took one of those things. And man, I'm like, just stood right there in that little spot doing 100 miles an hour, man, just trying to beat my eyes into the next room, you know, you know, and I ran off into the garage. I closed the garage door. I start putting together this model and every

then I'd lookout the window and I'd see this black and white flashes and that was the damn sun going up and down, you know, I come out of there about 3 days later, you know, and she was there as a fresh lunch all wrapped, you know, and she was just a busy lady. I had two sisters. I had one that was a, a baby sister. She got all the attention because she's the baby. I got an older sister because she's smart and good looking. And I'm stuck in the middle, you know, And my dad's a refinery worker. My dad,

my dad was a happy drunk. My dad was a happy singing, The Mills Brothers, Nat King Cole, Bobby Darin, drunk boy. He loved to get drunk. He may drink and look good,

all right. He was a miserable man when he was sober, but he was a happy drunk. And, And my dad wanted me to do well. And I didn't know that. I thought he was always riding me, you know, But that dad, Dad was a happy drunk. And Dad was always sneaking into his own house. He was a window climber, you know, And every now and then, my dad would, you know, sneak through my bedroom window. I could feel his boot on my chest as he's coming in for the night, you know, And I remember grabbing it one night, you know. Hey, why don't you have mom make you a set of keys, you know, Hell, she's up anyway,

you know, I mean, I can hear the Hoover going now, you know, and my dad wanted me to do well. And, you know, I, I grew up hating that man because I knew deep down inside that I could never make that guy happy, not because his demands were so low or so high, but was because that I didn't have what it took. I was never one to complete a job. I could start out things and have great ideas. And I'm good for three weeks, you know, And I remember being about 11 years old and there was four of us and,

and I'm not running around crazy and I'm not running around, you know, trying to hang myself or anything like that. But I'm,

I'm constantly unhappy about being me and where I'm at and who I'm with. And I don't leave you a whole lot of stuff to be happy about it, you know, And I'm constantly in a state of wondering what's wrong with me. And I know that's not right because the kids around me are going to the same schools and doing the same thing. And they seem to grasp and develop a manner of living. And I didn't. And when I come to Alcoholics Anonymous, I found out that there was about two, two sets of people.

People would come to Alcoholics Anonymous. They seem to grow up, make an adjustment to life, start drinking. It gets bad. They come to a A, they get sober and everything's wonderful. And then there's guys like me and gals like me who never make that adjustment to life. And at an early age, they start drinking and they get sober and they have nothing to return to.

They wouldn't know normal living if it hit them in the knee. And so when people are surrounded by people like me and you telling up, just stop drinking and shape up. And they do. And those are the kind of people they're always bringing to my side.

Hey, Danny used to drink with you, and he just got married. Look at him. Why can't you do that? You know, Bobby used to drink with you, and he got religion, and he shaped right up. Why can't you do that? You know, where's your willpower? What's wrong with you? You know, and because Alcoholics of my type, none of those things work for us. They may work for the moderate drinker. And I think that's what's confusing about that is because we're surrounded by people who tell us if you stop drinking, everything will be all right.

And what happens if people like me and you, we stop drinking and it's not all right?

God damn it, it's the worst thing to do. If you think the first couple days are bad, you know, hell, the, the shakes are entertaining. You know what? When, when you know, give me some, give me some hallucinations to entertain me, you know, because I've been running from life my entire life. I've been running from reality. I didn't know what to do with it. And anyway, I didn't at 11 years old, there was four of us. We took a bottle of four rose whiskey. And for the first time in my life,

I knew this is what I was supposed to be feeling. Now this is feeling good

and this is what those guys were feeling when they were hitting home runs and getting good grades. And I took of that shot of that 4 rose whiskey and I I wouldn't pissed off about being me anymore. In fact, being me was all right and I've never been happy about me and me. But more important than that, it shut off my head

that, that that inexhaustible mind to mind, that thing that's relentless, the thing that keeps you up all night, you know, and it shut off my head and man, it, it gave me the best half hour of my life. And then I puked, you know, but I didn't head out the Skid Row that very next day. But I connected happiness with something for the first time in my life. I got, I wasn't, you know, all I can tell you is at the age of 11, sobriety stopped working.

I had all I could have of being sober. I found something that was going to make it easy for me, and I didn't have to worry about where I was going to do when I grow up or if I should go in the Navy or what does Dad want me to do? Because the moment that I would get restless, irritable or discontented

or it had to face some kind of responsibility, I knew I could take a shot of my dad's wine or whiskey. Now, like I said, I didn't head out the Skid Row that very next day. But I tell you, when I got into high school, I finally found a group of people that made me feel more part of life than anybody I'd ever met. And that was the low riders. And I love the low riders. I was a freshman in high school and I ran around with a bunch of guys. We'd get our hair up like a big Bakersfield tumbleweed, you know, and we'd bounce around and listen to The Four Tops and the Temptations and the O'jays and Marvin Gaye.

God, I loved it, man. I was in my plumbing truck a couple weeks ago and The Four Tops came on. I just start sinking in my damn plumber right now. I loved it. I had a Mexican girlfriend named Loopy, and she used to grit her hair up real big and she'd curl her hair with these little soup cans. And sometimes the potatoes were stuck in there, you know, and, and we'd bounce around all night, you know, and I'd have three guys in the back seat of that car and they look just like me. And all you can see were our eyes and a frown going, hey, what's happening, you know, like that? And,

and we weren't driving around because we were bad. We were driving around with that look because our asses hurt bouncing around all night, you know?

But man, we'd eat those Reds and drink that wine and wonder what the hell you're staring at. What are you looking at, man? You know, I ran into a kid not too long ago, man. It was about 3 Christmases ago. I'm in the Glendale mall and this kid walks by me. He's got a bald head. Everything on his body he's got, he's all tatted down. He's got a tanked off on. He's got a big pair of pants on. You could put about three kids in,

you know, he's got 4 beepers because he's an important kid, you know, and everything in his face is chained together. He's got his eyes pierced and his lips pierced. He's got a chain going from his ear to his wallet, you know, and you got a ball bearing in his tongue, you know. And I walked by him and he goes, what are you looking at? And I said hell, I don't know what I'm looking at Madam, You know, I wanted to spray him with some WD40 or something like that, man, what am I looking at? Let me lock you to the bike rack, you little son of a you know, And

what am I looking now? I sponsor the kids, you know,

first thing I told them, man, I want you to call me every day, get a commitment and grow some hair for Christ sakes. You know that, damn it, you know?

But I understand what that's all about, man. Look at my hair and look at my ball bearings. But you know, don't get in where it's really happening. You know, don't find out what I really am. Because what I am is a scared kid bouncing around with an image.

And Alcoholics of my time live their entire life going from image to image to image to image, because it's much easier to fulfill an image

than to do what you're supposed to do. In reality, there's no responsibility in image making up,

you know, and I'd bounce around with those guys and I found out men that I found the key to life in the front seat of that Chevrolet, you know? And I knew that whenever I would drink that wine and and eat those red, that everything was going to be all right, you know? And I mean, you know, I didn't drive around and hey, Rudy,

I'm feeling kind of fearful, you know? I mean, you know,

you know, you just suck it up. And, and I had a good time, man, and I had a good time. And I love the way that I live, you know, and everything that I'd ever need in life was going to be found in that Chevrolet, you know, And I remember them being a sometime in your high school class, they got a driver education class. Like you haven't driven before, you know, and I'm taking summer school because I'm always getting kicked out of school. And so it's a summer school. It's a hot day. It's my turn to drive coaches. All right, Thomas, get into the car. So I get my hair into the car, you know,

these three girls in the back seat. All right, I want you to pull over over here in parallel park. So I parallel park, you know, and seem to do all right. And he says, well, you're doing pretty good. Look at it's kind of a hot day. Why don't you go up to Torrance Blvd. and go to the jack-in-the-box, want to buy everybody some Pepsi? What a cool coat. So I drive up there and I totally forgot that the night before we went out partying and I just got just tied one on and some guy gave me 4 tonals, you know, and I've been a good kid. I just been drinking and doing heroin. Some guy gave me these four tumulals and they're, they're half,

half Amatol. You're knocked out. Telling the truth is what you're doing, you know. The Al Anon's love them, you know. Who's Juanita, you know? And so I took them all, you know, I didn't want to be, you know, we're driving around and I just took them all and we caught it and, you know, maybe four don't work. So I just took them, you know, I never thought nothing of it. And pull up to the jack-in-the-box in order and boom, these things nail me, man, you know, and I can't see and I can't talk. And there's about 3 coaches now, you know, and you pull up to the puppet in order, you know. Well, I can't see the puppet man, you know, I, I can hear the puppet, you know,

can I have your order, please? You know, you got that whiny little voice. So I, I put that one eye and I go, you know, and I and hear this big crash in his puppet's head hanging down like that, you know, and that kids still in there. Can I have your order? I want to talk to the kid, you know, I want him to come out and be my designated driver, you know, and the cops come and they arrest me and they throw me on the hood of the car and, and I don't, you know, drive till I'm 30. But big deal. Now you get to ride shotgun, man. And there's nothing like driving shotgun, you know, leave the driving to us, man. You can sit over there and.

Jesus, man, you driving shotgun and you and you make that connection with, with the,

with the, with the unknown world, man, for the first time in your life, you see yourself in a mirror, boy, if you want to keep an alky entertained, put a mirror in front of a man, man, are you good looking man? And keep drinking that wine. Your hair gets bigger, your eyes get bluer, you know, and Jesus Christ, man, what am I doing in this car with these Mexicans? You know, I should be an underwear model. You know, I don't wear any, but what the heck, you know,

Always dreaming, man.

Anyway, around 1969, all my buddies seem to be going places. Some of them are going to Vietnam and, and some of them could you get me a napkin please? And some of them are are turning hippie and going to San Francisco. And I wonder what I'm going to do with my life. And

so me and my buddy decide to go back to go back to Detroit and find my roots. And

so I wind up in Phoenix and, you know, and there's no roots there. You know, I, I'm over there at the Apache Motel overlooking the Wagon Wheel Bar and me and this guy from from Tennessee named Ernie, you know, and at this time in my life, it's a, it's, it's just a matter of three Boilermakers. And I have this ability to sound like who's ever standing next to me in the bar. It's an amazing thing. I just pick up their characteristics and, and I'd rather sound like them just to fit in, you know what I mean? Makes me feel a part of, you know, and it because

it's really something. One night you'll be in the Wagon Wheel Bar and old Ernie. Well, hi, Larry. How are you? Well, I'm fine. How are you, you know. And the next day you're in a Japanese bar. How are you? Very good. How are you? You know, as long as I'm not me, you know. So anyway, I hook up with this guy named Ernie and Ernie's from Tennessee. He says, Larry, I got an idea how we're going to make some money. He says there's a race track not too far from here. And he says you're going to be a jockey.

Am I now, you know, and I'm all excited, I'm all ready to get into training and stuff like that. And he says, now what we got to do, Larry, is he said, we got to get you down to £95.

He says now, and I'm going to be gone for two months, but when I come back, we're going to weigh you in and get you, you know, get us a pony and, you know, all that stuff. He says, but you've got to get down to 95 lbs. And then he gave me this bag of meth, you know, the guy comes back five days later, opens up, you know, and

Harry, how are you? You know, what are you going? Yeah. I don't want to be jockey no more, Ernie. Yeah, I'm standing in the same spot, man. You know, And I lost about 30 lbs, you know, I want to work at the jack-in-the-box or anyhow, you know, my head's going faster than any pony I've ever seen. You know, he just said, all right, man. So he says, we went down there. And he says, and then I start getting these jobs. I could never, I never had a real job. I'm the kind of guy that gets job through Volt,

Volt and temporary services and stuff like that. And I finally got a job through manpower down there and I was working as a ditch digger for a plumber.

There's nothing like being a ditch digger and the boss is 10 years younger than you, you know, and you get that resentment, boy. And it always happens at work, you know, never happened. But at work, here I am digging that ditch going. He's son of a bliss. Look at you, you know, and just here I am, you know, just hating that guy, man. Finally I fake an injury, takes me to the emergency ward and I do what I always do. I fake an injury. I get me a prescription pad and I just start writing them,

start drinking that old Crow whiskey and and writing for Percodan and Obitrol and Nemby Troll and 2nd all and you name it all. I wrote it all, you know, and me and Ernie start selling that paper and drinking that whiskey and we went down to Tucson and after close to two years, they finally caught up with me. Now when you're loaded on barbituras and whiskey, there's no freeway chase like they have down here. There you go down to four O 5. You know, it's just a matter of the sheriff coming into your room going hope there's a little guy right there, you know, and kick in and put you in the car

until they, they tried and convicted me and put me away down there for close to two years. And in 1974, I come back to California and what happened is the probation department bought me a bus ticket and they gave me a

like a cash, like a voucher for 50 bucks. And then they send you to, they take you to the Greyhound station and they make sure you go out of state. And I come back to California and hook up with a probation department over there at the South Bay courthouse. And at this time they introduce an abuse into my life. And I'm starting to visit some of the recovery centers around over there. And

in 1974, I'm I'm sober for about two weeks and I'm in a Little League dugout over there in El Segundo,

and the cops come and they arrest me because I'm in between hysterical and maniacal. It's a great place to be.

It's like being two days sober, come two days sober and it's like being on acid. You know what I mean? Everybody's always having to talk you down. Going to be all right, You're here on earth, you know? And, and they come there and they start talking to me and they send me to the Harbor General Hospital and they diagnose that some of my drug overdoses have been suicide attempts. And they send me a Camarillo to be observed for a month. And I came out of there about 12 months later

with a bag of pills and a psychiatrist to see. And

early part of 1975, I'm over in Alvaro St. and I get picked up. Thank you. I get picked up for being publicly intoxicated, a violation of probation, public nuisance. So they send me back to Wayside and I'm up there for about 60 days. And they put about sixty of us in a black and white bus. And they sent us down to the South Bay courthouse where we're going to be tried and sentenced. And

4:00 in the afternoon, I'm in a holding tank about this big, and there's nothing but me and baloney sandwiches. And I'm wondering where I'm going to go now. And I'm the only one left in there. And at 4:00 in the afternoon, there's a Scottish man with a patch who stuck his head in that jail cell. And he says, I lad, he says, are you Larry Thomas? And I said, yes, Sir, I am. He says, come with me. You're going to a A. My name is Alex. And I said I said AAI says I've never heard those two initials before. I've heard of OR and PO, but what's an A? A, you know,

and who's this Scottish pirate all of a sudden? You know, I lad, you know, and, and so naturally I'm ready for a long ride and maybe some lunch. And the guy takes me six blocks away to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was in this little guy's Plymouth, the little lime green Plymouth, for about 15 minutes. And, you know, for 15 minutes. That guy could have killed me.

You know how he could have killed me? He could have killed me like we're killing him today. He could have lowered his car and pierced his ear and got down to my level to make me feel a part of a A. He could have talked my jailhouse lingo to make me feel good and be my bro.

There was nothing more uncomfortable and disappointing than to be in a jail or being a in a institution and have people come to a A and see these guys talk in my language to make them feel a part of.

And Alex told me when he made it very clear that he'd been down where I was and that if there was any change in that was going to be done, it was going to be done on my end of it.

He said that alcohol, he talked you guys up a storm. He said Alcoholics Anonymous is a place where you get sober and find a brand new way of life. That's the key, a brand new way of life. Because the most conflict, the biggest, the biggest area of conflict for people when they're new and Alcoholics Anonymous or if this are hanging on is that they try to stay sober and hang on to their old lifestyle.

They want to come in here and be happy, joyous and free and get all the goodies, or pretend they do and then go home

and try to work an honest program dishonestly and it ain't jiving. And you can tell by their face.

Alcoholics Anonymous isn't something you come and visit and recite. Alcoholics Anonymous as a way of life that evolves you out of the gutter that drove you here.

And there's nothing more sad than to see people hang on to these images or get new ones when they get here.

I got guys that I sponsor who don't get tattoos till they get 60 days, you know, so they can feel a part of, you, know what I mean? And it's amazing. Alcohol is Anonymous is about

fulfilling a spiritual void with a spiritual answer. It's not about being good and being wonderful. And, you know, it's about not living by rights anymore, but about living by principles.

Principles were when you have young kids in the room, it's not necessary to cuss, especially if they're in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It would seem like this would be the place we could start,

you know? And that's the kind of stuff this guy told me,

you know, and for 15 minutes, he could have killed me. And he took me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in 1975. He took me over to a club over there in Torrance called the Torrance La Mita Alano Club. And I never seen this place. And he walked me into this room and introduced me to a lady named Indian Genie and singing Sam and Serenity Sam and, you know, Captain Bob and Tennessee Bill and Santa Claus Ray and Bicycle Ray and

Dancing Pete and Whistling Butt and a bunch of other people, you know. And I said, Mike,

I just, you know, left a group of people like this, you know, little Moose was from Louisiana, and she comes running down. Hi, honey. My name is Moose. And I'm expecting a miracle. I said, I bet you are, man. I said, I'm not it, That's for sure, You know? And then this big transvestite came out of the card room, you know, and he said that he started circling me like a helicopter, you know, and he said, I can't wait to take you to a candlelight meeting.

I said, I don't think so, you know, not for my first year anyway, You know,

I got my pride, big fella, you know, I said, my God, if that's a a, I'm not sure I want to stick around this place, you know, and, and if that's the effect of that blue book, I'm not sure I want to crack that thing open either, man. And I was immediately different, which doesn't take a guy like me long. And from 1975 to 19, two, I came in to 1982, I came in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous on a regular basis.

Now that don't make me special

and that don't make me more of an alcoholic or a better member. I hear people banting that stuff around here like it's their little badge of courage. I went to in and out for 20 years. They not good. Well, what about these guys who have stayed sober for 30 years?

What about these guys in this room who have stayed sober for 25 and 30 years, who day after day take their place in these meetings? That's where the attention should be brought to because it's guys like that who keep rooms like this wide open for goofs like this to wander in here. You see, that's the oddity, is that people stay in A, a majority of the people leave

A, a majority of people don't come in here and stay. And isn't it ironic? The majority of the people don't come here and do anything either?

They come and visit for an hour and a half. But the doers seem to stay. They seem to have that look. They seem to have that thing where, you know what? This thing's more important to stay alive than anything else in my life. It's their primary purpose. And I came in and in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous 30 days and get drunk, 60 days and get drunk and 90 days and get drunk. And the longest I could stay sober was six months because I was on heroin.

And the biggest lie that I've ever told my life, my entire life, was that I was going in and out of a a

It was the biggest lie I've ever told. I hadn't touched Alcoholics Anonymous.

I didn't even know what an alcoholic was.

I didn't venture into that book. I didn't get a sponsor. All I did. And I talked to a guy about this last night. He had nine years and now for the past three years he's been trying to and he can't get more than 60 days sober. You know why? Because he can't imagine life without it. He is sold on the fact

that the future is nothing but bleak and the only way for him to stop time is to. I believe you knew all the time. You continually be new and you seem to think you can stop the clock.

And I told him what you folks told me, what you taught me. The biggest surrender you got to make here. If you're new, the biggest surrender. Isn't that not to drink anymore? Here's the surrender.

You're either going to run your life and suffer the consequences, or you're going to let Alcoholics Anonymous run your life and suffer the consequences. That's the surrender. How's it going so far?

And leave it to an alcoholic to have to think about it? Well, I don't know, you know,

let's see. Let's see. I ain't got no teeth. I'm bleeding everywhere. I'm in the Harbor General Hospital. Can you get back to me tomorrow on that? You know,

And that's me. That's me,

1980. There's a guy doing his 12 step work. I'm over at the Don Hotel over there in Wilmington. I've got on the third floor. I got a hot plate and a hot TV. I got 1/2 pint of bourbon in there. And I got my little long hair and my, my little lounge chair and my, my little Goodwill clothes. And I'm watching Jeopardy. So I could really feel like an idiot. You know, every now and then you get one right, Donald Duck. Yeah. I am a smart man, you know.

I don't need no college, you know. I'm a genius too, you know, and, you know,

and I hear this knock on the door and I said, oh, my God, it's a landlord, Larry. It's Don. Oh my God, it's that guy from AAI. Didn't even call him. And he's coming over here, man. Why didn't he working? I ain't worked a day in my life, you know? He says, Larry, it's Don. Can I come in? And he opens up the door and it's my first sponsor. He says, Jesus Christ, kid, what's going on? He had 15 days. You were going to be a janitor in the city of Lomita.

There's some hope for you, you know, he says, what's going on? And I took a shot off of that bourbon. And I told Don, I says, look at, I said, you've been trying real hard.

I don't want what you have and I don't want what you got. And if I ever get that bad, I'll know what to do. And I get the hell out of my room and let me do it. I want to do

the cry of this alcoholic my entire life. Let me do what I want to do. And the moment that I said that, it struck a chord in the back of my neck that shot me back to 1967 when me and my father are fighting. I'm getting kicked out of high school because I was drunk and selling dope. And he's telling me if you want to live like that, that's your business. But I've got a wife and two daughters and you're not going to live like that under this roof. Now get yourself and get out of here. And shot me back to 1972 when I'm coming out of that institution. And where do macho men go when there's no place to go?

They go to Mom's house, don't they?

I hear that's where you were. Yeah. Me too. Yeah,

they don't give chips for that, you know.

All right, good going, man. He got 90 days on Mom's couch, all right.

And and I'm on my mom's couch and yeah, and, and just like the days of wine and roses, man, I woke up in that panic and I'm looking for that half pint. And I can't find that half pint. And I start tearing my little mom's house apart, start pulling stuff off the kitchen cabinet, the bathroom cabinet. She comes out of the she was hunting what's wrong with me? And I start smacking that little lady around till I get blood. Macho man