Steps 6 through 9 at Marty's back of the room meeting in Hamilton, ON

You know, I come, I come from what I described as the Denver lineage,

so people that that Gary worked with people that Don P worked with, worked with, worked with me. And so I have nothing but the highest regard and, and respect for for Denver and, and, and get, you know, Gary was there in the beginning and

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the work, the work that he's done. So, so with that

678 and nine, Marty, is that what you want me to? Yeah, Yeah, buddy, just those few. All right, so let's say I've, I've conceded to my innermost self that I'm an alcoholic And, and I know a bit about what being an alcoholic is. You know, the descriptions, the, the references

in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. And you know, I truly, I truly can buy in and say, you know what? That's me. And I've, and I've come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity, can put some of these pieces of my life back together. I don't know what that looks like right now, but but you know, I'm willing, I'm willing to believe and I'm willing to move forward and, and I make a decision in the third step. And that decision is to,

to, to seek a connection with this power greater than myself, to go through the rest of the steps and, and to try to find a way to be rid of this bondage of self, the, the manifestations of self that, that, that have defeated me. And there's, there's a, there's a great description and I think it's page 60 to 62

where it talks about me being the actor wanting to run the whole show.

You know, The funny thing is when I first read that, I, you know, I didn't identify

and, and today, today, I don't think you could describe me better

than an actor who wants to run the whole show. And there's all kinds of material in there that that leads me to believe that, you know, guess what, Marty, I might have been wrong about a bunch of stuff. And,

and, and I start to move into a four step inventory,

understanding the various, various forms of self really are, are, are, are the critical problem in my life.

I need to, to inventory some of the, some of the, some of the major areas of self that are defeating me. And certainly resentment is one of them. I cannot tell you how, how, how pissed I was and everything and everybody, you know, my, my life didn't look very good around the time I was getting sober.

You know, I, I, I don't know about anybody else, but I was living at home with mom,

you know, I'd, I'd become near unemployable. There were states that were trying to find me because the computers were coming online, you know, and

I was getting letters like fleeing to avoid prosecution and you know life had become bleak. I love Bill Wilson's description. They they seem David, you know, when you first shivering Denison of alcohols bad realm, you know, I mean, but that's really what I was. I I was drinking at that point in time just for for oblivion

and and I and I come out of this whole thing and I'm I'm pissed. You know, you know, I don't like you. I don't like my boss, my family, you know, the cops society. I mean, there's, there was nothing I wasn't mad at and and

you know, you can't live that way. I mean that's corrosive to any type of quality of life or or spiritual growth.

And another thing is I had the inventory fear. And

you know, my understanding of fear at that time was based on like John Wayne movies and stuff. So, so listen, I was willing, I was willing to push the saloon doors open and meet you in the road with handguns. I was completely willing to do that. So I didn't think I had any fear, but

fear was it, It took the form of massive anxiety. I was uncomfortable with people, I was uncomfortable with jobs, I was uncomfortable in relationships. I was, I just, I just didn't want to be right here right now with you, you know, and, and for the for years I had dodged and weaved and and disappeared and

not shown up and may, you know, started things I never finished. And it it all had to do with this, with this anxiety, this self-centered fear that they described in the book alcohol. So I had to enter. I had the inventory of that right. And another, another area that I really fell short on was, you know,

listen, I'm a human being. I have, you know, regular human feelings sometimes

and, and I start to care about about people and, and there were there were some relationships that I got in and, you know, I really, I really did did like these women and, and, and listen, if you would, if you would have asked me the day I walked into our extremist Chris,

what do you think of what do you think of women? I would have said they're crazy. You can't trust them. You know, they leave you when you need them the most, you know, and I really would have believed that. And then I do, then I do the relationship inventory and I, I start, you know, I start going through all the questions for all the relationships and I start to see, oh man, you know, they would have been crazy to stay. And I have no,

you know, you know, I have rendered myself permanently single with my attitudes and my behavior and, and I started to see the truth of all these things. Now, now you know. Here's the thing. Recognizing the problem does not offer the power

to overcome it

in and of itself. The knowledge of a problem

is not sufficient to, to, to be able to solve it. If you're an alcoholic and you're trying to solve resentment, fear and, and shame and stuff like that, right. But I recognize it all. And I, and I went to my sponsor and I had this, I had this, you know, notebook. And I remember going up to all the films or read my inventory, you know, I was, I was all, I was all ashamed. And like, you know, my head was down

and, and I remember I read all this, I read all this stuff to my sponsor, the whole thing. And it was imperfect. It wasn't even adequate probably. But the wonderful thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is, you know, we don't get, we don't get graded, you know, on the other stuff, you know, we get a pass fail based on, based on our willingness

and our action, you know, and so maybe it was a maybe it was a bad fist up. I I certainly wouldn't accept one like that from somebody today.

But, but, but you know what it did, you know what it did it, it moved me. It moved me forward as far as as the recovery process was concerned. I was making, I was making forward progress. And I remember, I remember my sponsor saying after I got done reading all this, and I'm like, Oh my God, he's not going to drive me home. You know, he had driven me to the park. This is bad, you know,

and and he kind of chuckles. Well, and he goes, you know, that's not so bad, you know, we can work with that. And I'm I'm like, incredulous, you know, are you kidding me? Do you want me to read it to you again slower, You know, like I thought I thought it was. I thought it was just, you know,

unforgivable stuff. And, and, and he goes, no, he goes, listen, Chris, here's what I believe. He goes, here's what I believe is my personal belief. He goes, I believe you were an alcoholic before you started drinking. You know

you were an alcoholic before you started drinking. So, so he goes, Think about it. Think about a burnout campfire where where the coals are like red and smoldering and stuff. It's like a smoldering,

you know, campfire when you put alcohol, when you start drinking alcohol was like throwing gasoline on that campfire. And it's just the flames like flew up in the air and burnt you and everybody near you. Now you're making an effort right now to recover from alcoholism, you know, lighten up on yourself a little. And I, I remember coming out of that park, coming out of that park with my head held, you know,

eye to eye with them. And, and it was, it was significant. Now, now I said before, it's my, it's my experience that recognizing I'm selfish, recognizing I'm quick to anger and sensitive and immature and all these things, recognizing those things. That's not, that's, that's not the recipe to

solve all this stuff, you know what I mean? It's, it's not, it's, it's, it's not going to

offer you the solution out of this. So I come to, I come to step 6

now, you know, my first exposure to step six was, well, that's kind of, that's kind of cute. You know, you ask God to, to take care of all this stuff for you. That's kind of cute. But you know, I'm actually going to get to work on some of this stuff. And, and, and that's, that's kind of, that's kind of the way I,

the way I first, my first impression of this step today, today my impression is, is different. And, and you got to understand the spiritual apes, not a theory. It's, it's, it's a way of life. So, so I'm going to have a perspective on steps 6789 right now in this moment that I may not have a year from now and I may not have had last year.

You know, there's, there's, there's growth and, and there's broadening and deepening my understanding

of this work every time I go through it. So, so understand that I'm just, I'm sharing my, my current, my current experience and understanding of these steps. Now in step six, it says become willing to have God remove these defects of character. Become willing.

So willingness. Now, coming out of a fistat, I'm usually fairly willing

for, you know, the stuff that's causing me problems, the stuff, the stuff that's, you know, really aggregate the stuff that's impacting my quality of life. You know, I'm, I'm, I'm willing. But this, these steps really, really ask us to, to be willing to have God, you know, remove the good and the bad if that's going to be God's will.

My belief about what is good

and my belief about what is bad has completely changed in the last number of years that I've been sober. The things that I used to think are good today, I, I, you know, I, I don't think are really good today. And the, and some of the things that I think thought were bad were actually some of the real catalysts for, you know, for, for me moving forward in my life. So I can be wrong about the good and I can be wrong about the bad.

So how about how about I become willing to have God be in charge of this? Now it almost seems like a cop out. I have identified all these character defects, all this stuff. It's the whole megillah of my failure at life. And I'm just going to, you know, become only to have God remove them. And then I'm going to humbly ask God to remove them. You know, that's it.

Yeah, that's it.

Because that's all there is. Because because the the power of God is the only thing I'm experienced with that can move me forward. The self help books didn't ever help, you know. I mean try it. Try and try to trying to develop

my spiritual condition with a self help book

is like trying to stop a semi with a cobweb. You know what I mean? Like I had them all too. My sponsor came over my house one time. I was about eight months sober. He comes in, he's he surprised me, like knocked on the door like, like I do something wrong, you know, not sure. I wasn't, I wasn't used to him, you know, just showing up at the house

and he can't. He came up to my room and I got the bookcases, right. I got I I got the joy of resentment and

you know, when friends through intimidation, I mean, I got every self help book you've ever seen in your life, right. And he's sitting there holding his chin. He's going through all the titles and he's like, wow, you got a lot of self help books here, Chris. I'm kind of proud. I'm like, yeah, felt good. And he goes, can I ask you something? And and I go, sure, Phil, what he goes? Can you show me where your help others books are?

And I went,

I am unfamiliar with that category, Phil, you know, where where would I find those?

So, So what, you know, he he he was wonderful. You know, it, it, it the irony of, you know, of my stupidity. But, but, but, but anyway, so, so, so step six, you know, become willing to have God remove these defects of character. Yeah. Because that's it, that's all.

You know what I mean. And humbly, humbly ask God to remove these defects of character. Humbly ask God to remove these defects of character.

Absolutely. Now my level of humility, my level of willingness is up for debate and some of these things. But you know, I got it. I got to keep. I got to keep plugging along. I got to keep, I got to keep moving, moving forward and,

and it's, you know, this is, this is the long game for me. You know what I mean? Like, like I got, I got to stay on the playing field and I, I got to keep putting in an effort for, for the long haul. I I I really do.

Let let me,

let me go to the book because that always helps.

Hold on a second,

okay.

Umm, you know, when it talks about, when it talks about step 7 here, it says we say something like this. So, so I really think he's trying to tell us to, to be authentic and, and to, to personalize this particular prayer because we're, you know, we're trying to develop a personal relationship with God as we're moving through all these. So as my Creator, I'm now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad,

all good in bed. I, I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Not every single defective character that's causing me problems. You know, the things that are blocking me off from being being useful to God. This is really asking to be placed on God's team.

Grammy strength as I go out from here

to do your bidding. Amen. We have then completed step seven. Period. OK. I mean, I can't, I can't tell you how many times I thought, you know, this is going to be some follow up work in this. You know, I kind of list out all my defects and character and put a graph together, you know, with a timeline and an action plan.

No, We have then completed step seven, end of sentence,

where I'm what I'm supposed to do now is I'm supposed to to to take my attention and place it on step 8, which is putting a list of the people and the institutions together that the various manifestations and forms of self and character defects have damaged or harmed. I am to put

a list together and become willing

to make to make direct amends. Now, another thing that I learned that came out of came out of the Denver lineage that I'm I'm really grateful for is and it's just it's just a mechanic, mechanical piece of this. It, it doesn't really make any difference as far as the heart of the stat, but I was, I was taught to use index cards for my a step.

So on the index card, I put the person or institution and I try to get as accurate as I possibly can with the harm. You know, I, I don't want to say something like I was never there for that or I acted like a jerk. I, you know, I wanted, I wanted to be more, more focused and more accurate as far as what the harm, what, what kind of a harm did I cause? And.

And, and I, I put that on the card, I,

I put their phone number or their address or, you know, however, however, I'm going to make an approach and I make sure that I do that. And and then I meet, then I meet with someone who has some experience with, you know,

because I can have so many things wrong. My thinking can be so tangled at times. I can have so many things wrong.

I find it very, very important to, if I've put a full blown inventory together and I've got a bunch of a step cards, I find it very, very useful to go to somebody who has experience actually making amends. You know, they're they're they're a smaller percentage of the people in Alcoholics Anonymous than I would wish for, But but I need to go to go to them and

and cover the harm.

Cover what my thought for the approach would be talk about, talk about, you know what, what an amend would look like. Is it going to be money? Is it going to be, is it going to be

recognizing with them that I was wrong? Is it going to be an apology? You know, what is it? What is it going to look like? And, and talk that over with someone. Now, why I've done that is, is I've got some, I've got some experience with

some of the people that I've worked with over the years who've kind of jumped the gun with, with amends. They've gone from step one to step 9, you know, to try to put the fire out and, and that can that can really 'cause really 'cause a lot of trouble. I've seen a lot of damage done because because of

someone just taking their own counsel on this, reading the step off the wall,

deciding exactly how it should be. You know, it should be implemented and with who and then running off and doing that. And so so I make it very, very clear when I'm working with somebody that we're gonna we're gonna go over your a step cars. I don't want you making one amends, you know, until we go over your a step cards. And I, I, I just personally do that because

I've seen, I've seen some damage when, when, when someone isn't, doesn't have any

collaborative spiritual wisdom to draw from. So so so so anyway, now I now I've got a list.

Now you know

there are.

Here's what I really believe. I believe that I have had an emotional and a spiritual illness for a long, long time,

and I've treated that emotional and spiritual illness with massive quantities of George Dickel bourbon or Gordons vodka. It seemed to work temporarily. Okay, so I've separated from alcohol now. I still have emotional and spiritual illness.

I, you know, that's what resentment is. That's what self-centered fear is. That's what shame and guilt and remorse and all that stuff is.

And, and I'm, I'm inundated with that stuff.

And you know, I, I believe that I could try 100 different things. I could try therapy, I could try Primal Scream therapy. I could try all kinds of things to try to come to terms with my shame and my guilt and my remorse. Luckily for me, I was inspired by

some of the people who came out of Denver. I was inspired by those folks to

actually do these steps. Now here's The funny thing. I bet every single one of us on this Zoom call at one point in time or another said to themselves, I understand that step, but I don't really think it's going to be necessary in my case. OK, and, and, and I would, I would think that a whole lot, but because I was connected with these people who were keeping an eye on me

and, and wanted to know if I made that amends. Even though I didn't, I wasn't really convinced it was going to be necessary because I was inspired by these guys. I actually went out and did these amends. You know, I saw the stack of cards go like this down to the last one, and I was able

to rip up the last one. Now, I'll tell you from my personal experience,

yeah, the shame, the guilt, the remorse that I had over all the damage that I had done. You know, I'm, I was not immune to the damage I did to other people. When I let people down, I let myself down. When I hurt other people, I hurt, I hurt me. It's just, that's just the, the way it is with, with alcoholism. And, and I, I showed up just broken. My

was broken and, and, and I was inundated with, with waves of guilt. And I would think of things that I had done in the past and, and I'd be, I'd be sitting there like maybe in a, in a, in a DWY class or something trying to get my license back. And I, and I would, I would think of, think of some horrible thing that I, that I did, you know, when I was drunk, I just, I, I'd have a physical reaction. I'd go like this.

Oh, and people would go, are you all right? Are you all right? You know, I, I was just

thinking about, thinking about some of the things in my past. I, you know, I was inundated with this stuff. Now, I'll tell you, there's no, there's no action I've ever taken in my life that was more significant than than, than actually going out and making amends as it impacted my emotional health.

That that's the eight and eight and nine were so fundamentally

responsible for me being, you know, peaceful today and relatively serene and really grateful for, for, for, for, for being on this planet. Those steps really, really were the catalyst for, for that change, that emotional and that spiritual change. Now I I just

it. It blows my mind when I look back about,

you know, I look into the history a little bit, you know, Marty and some of us were talking about talking about the history before the meeting and and you know, you know, I made the statement that, you know, accuracies overrated. You know, when you're looking at Alcoholics Anonymous history, it's more about the story, right? And it and it kind of really is and,

but, but the Oxford Group, you know, and how the Oxford Group influenced Bill Wilson and, and Bob Smith and how the 12 steps were built up around some of these Akshar group practices, which were built up around some of the 1st century Christian spiritual principles that you can find in the New Testament. And how, how it all kind of coalesced into

what Bill Wilson wrote down

in How it works and into action. It's, it's, it's, it's that the story of how that happened is, is, is fascinating to me. You know, how these, how these Alcoholics from Akron and how these Alcoholics from New York started practicing

these basically religious spiritual actions and exercises,

found ones that work, found ones that didn't work, and then built the 12 steps. I truly believe today that the 12 steps are, are, are a perfect, perfect recovery program. Now, now there's now the 12 steps, the 12 step fellowships and the 12 steps get a lot of criticism out there, you know,

from different people from from the people who who treat us professionally, from, you know, from all kinds of stuff. Even people who came to a, A

didn't work for them. You know, there's a lot of criticism for it, but but you will never find somebody criticizing. Hey, hey,

who has actually done these steps? You will find people that will criticize a, a who sat around in the meetings and didn't get better or, or people who read the steps off the wall and, you know, and was forced to put those steps up on the wall and there were a counselor or something. You know, you're never going to find somebody who has

true experience with these 12 steps that are not going to share with you how remarkable

these particular

steps are when they're actually taken in somebody's life. Now. Now in Alcoholics Anonymous, where I got sober, it was Northern New Jersey 19891990 and, and the, the big book movement, let's just call it that. You know, some people say it, you know,

with respect. Some people you know, say it with, with disdain. You know, the big book movement. But it wasn't, it wasn't a vital thing in North Jersey When I, when I got sober, you had, you had a lot of discussion meetings. You had some step meetings where people discussed the, the, the theories of the steps. You know, you had, you had some speaker meetings where people told, told their drunk logs a lot.

But it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't like it is today

to in this day and age, almost anywhere you go, it wouldn't be hard for you to find a sponsor who'd be willing to sit down with you and explain to you how you do the steps and why you do the steps. We what you know, what are some of the results that you're going to get from the steps. But when when I got sober, that's, that's not, you know, the way it was,

it was, it really had turned into a fellowship of sobriety with an occasional program of recovery. If you happen to be hardcore, you know, in the earlier days of Alcoholics Anonymous, it was a program of recovery with a support fellowship. Like the fellowship really was was the vehicle to get everybody together and enthusiastic about actually taking these steps.

So how cool is synonyms has gone through periods of time up and down where

where it's you know, it's just it's just changed. The fellowship grew so much that I, that I think, I think the, the fundamentals

were, were dropped out of a lot of people's hands. But today there's like a renaissance going on. There's, there's a, there's book studies everywhere there, there's experienced people everywhere. There's people sharing about, you know, the spiritual awakening that they've had as the result of the 12 steps

everywhere. And that really, really is a good thing. But when I went about actually making my immense, it was not it was not something that a lot of people were used to in the meetings. I was going to remember, I got I got inspired by by people from from the Denver area on tapes, you know what I mean? I got to years later, I got to meet some, some of these heroes. I got to meet,

you know, but a bunch of these people and I'm incredibly grateful. But in the early 90s it was, it was, it was cassette tapes that I was listening to and I was getting inspired by these guys who were, who were working a program. And, and so, so, you know, I, I basically, I basically start working a program in, in meetings where people really weren't doing that.

You know, if you, if someone was going to share

about the night step in meetings that I was going to back then, you know, they'd say something like, and I apologize to the old lady and she didn't really take it very well. You know, I mean that, you know, that would be the share, you know what I mean? And, and, and so, and so basically, basically what happened, what happened in, in, in, in my world was I started to sponsor people and I started to take people through the steps and a fellowship grew up,

you know, in, in the Burnersville, New Jersey area. Fellowship grew up and people that I sponsored started, you know, started to take up people through the steps and they took people through the steps. And, and there was a change. And this was going all on all over there, all over the, the country. I think many people were, were being inspired by, by, by Denver. You can't shake a stick without finding somebody somewhere that that was,

that was. You know, you can't shake a stick without hitting somebody. That was,

you know, influenced by people that came out of that, that

that cauldron of recovery. So so today, you know, today it's it's Orthodox to actually make your immense. You know, I used to hear stuff like, well, it says except that armed men are others and all others. I mean, you used to hear just crap like that, right? And,

and, you know, in today's day and age, I think,

I think we'll have the opportunity to be influenced much more easily than, than, than I was influenced by people who have recovery experience. Now, now here's the thing about the 12 steps and the spiritual awakening that I believe, you know, I, I, I believe that they create an awakened spirit.

You know, the spiritual awakening is an awakened spirit.

I'm awake today. I see things as they really are.

Prior to going through these 12 steps, I I cannot say that I had, you know, my old ideas. Many of them are wrong. Most of them were wrong and these were ideas that they were mine.

So I kind of like them, you know what I mean? And, and I would try to align myself with, with people who were like minded, you know, Oh, you think that too. We're both right. But but you, you get through, you get through these 12 steps and they render you open minded and and, and there is an awakening

that that happens. And today, you know, I see,

I see step 8:00 and 9:00 as a, as a freedom, a freedom step. You know, do do I want, you know, do I want to remain in bondage to self and shame and guilt, or do I want to take a simple spiritual action that might be a little embarrassing or a little anxiety causing and get free of that

forever? You know, so, so I see it clearly like that

today as I was moving into the immense, I had old ideas and what the old ideas looked like was this. Well, I know I've done 10 amends and they've all worked out really well, but the 11th is going to suck. You know, that's, that's my that's my old ideas. That's my old belief systems that I'm going to look bad or they're going to throw me in jail or you know what, whatever

or this isn't gonna this is gonna work for me.

Well, you know, in, in step three, I've made a decision to do this stuff

and step in step seven, I've asked God to take away the things that block me off from God. So by the time I get to step nine, I really, I really should have the inner wherewithal to step out and, and make these amends. You know, if I, if I've, if I'm, if I've done my job

now there's promises everywhere. You know, there's promises everywhere in the book, every action step in the book. Alcoholics Anonymous has just a, a huge set of remarkable, extraordinary promises in them. And you know, the nice step, nice step promises are, are, are are pretty good. You know, knowing, knowing a new freedom and a new happiness, not regretting the past. You know, how about that? How about not regretting the past? That's a big one

when I walked through the doors today. If you have any idea how many things I would have changed if, if I, if I had a time machine,

I, I would, I would have changed. I would have changed my whole life, you know, it was just unsatisfactory at every level. I look back on those, those those early years of bitter alcoholic struggle

as, as something that fitted me

to be available to the spiritual life I have today. So I don't regret them. I, I think every, every crazy situation, every mistake that I made, every embarrassing, pathetic, you know, ridiculous thing that, that I did that I was ashamed of and everything.

All I don't know that I would have walked in to a spiritual program of action

the, the demands this type of rigorous honesty. I don't think I would have waltzed into it. You know, I, I mean, I, I would have, I would have gone for the Napoleon Hill book, you know, think and grow rich. I, I, I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have picked the 12 steps as as a way of life. So something needed to move me into that and, and it and it was my alcoholism and the resulting the resulting damage,

you know, that was there was there was caused from from my alcoholism.

Now I want to share a couple of experiences with that I had that I had with the 9th step that were that were really pivotal, pivotal to me. You know, one of them was I, I have AI have a niece and, you know, back in the 80s when I was drinking,

all the families would get together for Thanksgiving,

Christmases and all that stuff, right? And I'd be drinking whiskey and just being a jerk. And, and she really, she really reminded me a lot of me. She was very counterculture, you know, she was kind of goth and kind of like, you know, just, you know, close minded and, and, and she's set in her ways and everybody's stupid and she just reminded me of me. So, so I would get really pissed at her

and I would say, I would say stuff to her that that an uncle should not say to a niece, you know what I mean? And, and I had a lot of, I had a lot of guilt about that. And that certainly made, you know, one of my a step cards and, and I made an appointment with her. And basically what I, what I did was, you know, I, I told her where I was wrong. You know, I told her, listen, I, I'm trying to recover

from alcoholism. You know, one of the, one of the exercises in that recovery process is to, is to really bear down on, you know, the mistakes I've made and the people that I've hurt and, and the harms that I've caused. And I, you know, if you'll allow me, you know, I want to, I want to admit some stuff here and you know, I, you need to know that I'm wrong.

Then I asked the questions that also came out of Denver, the beautiful nine step questions, which are

my version of them at least is the first question is, did I leave anything out? You know, like if I if I'm, if I'm admitting my faults and you know, sometimes I was a blackout drinker, folks, you know, I got to ask everybody if I left anything out because I probably left some out that I don't know. And you know, the second was was you need to tell me how, you know, how you felt about all that. You need to, you need to talk to me about any of that stuff. And,

and the third question is, you know, what would you have me do to make right to strong? Well, what would you, what can I do to set right this, this wrong and, and, and be real authentic and, and, you know, real humble about all of that. And I, and I did that with her and, and all she did was like, you know, she just looked at me like no one's ever done this before, You know, I mean, she was just floored by the whole thing, you know, and

she didn't say really much, but you know, she thanked me. And, you know, we, we went on our way and

about 3 weeks later,

I get a phone call.

She, she had tried to commit suicide on drugs and was on the flight deck in a mental hospital. And she was calling me and she wasn't calling her mother. She wasn't calling her father, she wasn't calling her brother. She was calling me

because she thought I would understand. Now I just, I see that as remarkable, see that as remarkable. And, and with some help, I was able, I was able to, to guide her toward, you know, she was somebody that could really benefit from, you know, the counseling and, and all that stuff. And and she did she with my encouragement, you know, she she went and sought counseling and, you know, she's a a a guy killer job in Manhattan today.

She's doing really good now. Now that's a miracle that I'm somebody that can help with something like that. Back in the day, you were not calling me up saying, hey, we've got, you know, we got a problem over here. We better call Chris. You were not calling me. OK.

I was the last person on your list that you were going to seek counsel with. And,

and, and today that that that really has really has changed. I'm I'm like a clearinghouse of council and you know, and really it's not council as much as it is the sharing of experience and, and, and, and I can do that today. And and that's, that's, that's an amazing, that's an amazing thing. Another promise, get this, this is a nice step. Promise. I can be alone

at perfect peace and ease.

How about that? How about perfect peace and ease?

When I was

in active alcoholism, I would get home as fast as I could. I'd drive 100 miles an hour. I'd liquor store straight home. Big 24 oz glass with some ice cubes, bourbon, you know, a little bit of coke on top. Start drinking and I go up to my room and I turn the stereo on. I turn the TV on. I put a guitar in my lap and I'd be reading a book

all at one time

because because I had to, I had to stop my thinking. I, I just, you know, I, I couldn't just sit there. There's no way I, I'd go crazy. Part of alcoholism is having really tangled thoughts. It's the best way I can describe it. My thoughts are tangled.

You know, like like like you know, tomorrow at work as far as it's gonna be really bad or you know, the boss is gonna say this

yesterday, yesterday insulted all stuff going on. I gotta go. I got court date coming up on this court date coming up and I can't believe this is the stuff that's that's like churning through my head. So to sort of trying to quiet that

is the bourbon and the guitar and the TV and the music and trying to read it. It's just just just trying to untangle all that, you know, into, into some form of sanity and getting sober didn't stop all of that. I would walk into an, a, a meeting and it'd be like, oh, well, God, there's so and so God, I hope he doesn't share. I can't. Oh, this is a gratitude meeting. I'm walking out

and so I still got all the all the all the tangled thoughts in my head. Well, the 9th step is saying

I can be alone

and perfect peace and ease. You know, you know, it's funny. I, I, I got the best wife in the world that, you know, some of you know her, She's absolutely the best of the world. But I'll, I'll be like sitting there. I'll just be sitting and she'll walk in. She'll go, what are you doing?

And I'll go nothing.

And she goes nothing. You know, I go nothing. Yeah. Yeah, I can be. I the 9th step promises that I can do nothing. And it's it's one of my favorite things. Right. Marty isn't isn't that one of your favorite things? Yeah. He does it with the fishing pole and, you know, stuff like that. But I can be alone. The voices in my head, the tangled thoughts

are are are have been restored to sanity. You know, here, here's the here's the thing I

thing about recovery

that is really challenging for many of us. It is you can't understand a step until you actually experience it. So if you're anything like me, you're going to say, I understand that step. I read it. It's not going to be necessary, you know, but so, so the only way, the only way to understand the insanity

is to be restored to sanity.

Look back on it, you know, the only way to understand that resentments have been mastered is and what that means and what that's going to feel like, what that's going to look like is for resentments to be mastered. We really understand looking backward at, at our recovery, what the hell was going on. And we had to take many, many things on faith,

especially in the ninth step and especially in the 5th step, there's some things that we're going to have to take on faith.

We're gonna have to do these, not really understanding why we have to do them, not really understanding what they're gonna do for us. You know, it's, it's our spiritual imperative to do them and to resign from the debating society and just do them. And once you've done them, you look back and you're like, oh,