The Citywide meeting in Dallas, TX

18,

2003 and it was a long time

and I was so grateful. I have to tell you, I have three children who are on and they're also isn't that awesome?

It's just such a thing

and us so grateful. You have no idea, Caroline. It's such an honor to introduce Caroline. I was so honored that she asked me to do it.

I, Caroline, came into this world seeking God from a little tiny thing. I mean, she had a spiritual hunger. And I watched it blue, and it was really incredible. And then to watch her go down her journey that got her here was painful at times, I can assure you of that. But she got subbed without my help. How about that?

She got sober up in New York City and I wasn't even there to monitor it. It was awesome. Anyway, Caroline is our pride and joy

and tell your story.

All right. Hello. My name is Caroline. In Caroline there's so many Caroline Murphy's. I think Caroline and will be easier to find me.

I'm a very grateful alcoholic and I am thrilled to be here.

Hi. Thank you, Jenny. Thank you, James. Thank you Mom,

my sister's here. Thank you too. Thank you to everyone who is here that gets to Co create this night

together.

Huh. So in thinking about what I might talk about tonight, I was thinking a lot about my adventures before and after

and

and I was reminded that

in this program, yes, there are adventures drinking and then our adventures not drinking

more. For me, it was about adventures and self-reliance and then adventures in God reliance

in this 12 step ladder that took me from self-reliance, from the the bridge of reason

to God reliance and the desired shore of faith. As my mom mentioned, I came into this world really like for me, I thought what could be a more important thing to understand than God? Like if God is like, shouldn't that be like, wouldn't that give me a competitive edge?

So I did. I first, I mean, I really tried to learn everything I thought that there was to know about God. Let me master God. I study comparative religion in college. Not just the one God, many gods, all the gods I got to know just in case

and

and I could not stop drinking. I I mean, I was a street preacher.

I had the 4:00 AM shift

in Manhattan.

I, I, I paid people to listen. So anyways, the point is, is I was so good at talking. I mean, I really can talk about that. I love that I had

my understanding of God today. Isn't that different from my understanding of God in my adventures and self-reliance?

My understanding of God couldn't keep me sober. God

I I did not know how to rely on God. I knew how to talk about God. I knew how to think about God. I knew how to talk. I thought I knew how to talk to God. I knew how to write papers about God.

I didn't know how to rely on God,

and I didn't know that

in all of my studies, in every every book, every everything I've read, every wise sage I've talked to, everything I've been exposed to,

the only thing that taught me how to get to God

where the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And so I could not be more grateful to be able to be here now

getting to talk about

my adventures, going up the ladder, the 12 step ladder to God of Alliance.

And I'm hoping to do that in God reliance and not get to cut up and how I sound so well.

I so my my adventure on this 12 step ladder Together Alliance

started on September 5th, 2007.

Let me say this also the reason I'm so excited about the journey again from self-reliance to God reliance from from the bridge of reason to the desire shore of faith to this rocket ride to a fourth dimension of existence of which we had never even dreamed. The reason I love to talk about that, especially to someone who's new or potentially still in the the Self Reliant adventures,

is because

I couldn't. Sincerely, I couldn't say for sure. I desperately want to be sober forever,

especially because sobriety was my least favorite state.

Sobriety got me drunk every day.

I I including people

say you gotta chase sobriety like you chase a dream.

Are you sure? I mean, I run from sobriety to a drink. Like I,

I would go, I went to the treatment center once and they would bring in a speaker who'd say if you don't get it together, if you don't quit drinking, you're going to end up like me in prison. And I think I've seen the movies. They've got like pooch in prison, like,

and my

deep dark secret and I really mean this people, people question me on this. I really mean it. I would have rather been drinking in prison,

the not drinking on the outside.

That's how uncomfortable sobriety is for me.

And they would say we'll end up homeless on the streets. And I think

I've seen homeless in the streets.

Brown. I mean they have access to alcohol.

That homeless people on the street who have had a brown bag in their hands, I've envied them. That's how uncomfortable sobriety is for me.

So again, I'm thrilled to over in life. The other thing is, is I had this idea of A8. I really thought just because of who I am and what my experience was, I thought in AA we all came together and collectively mourn the loss of alcohol. I

all of us secretly, what we had in common is all of us were dying for a drink and kill for a drink and just didn't.

One day at a time

and

365 days later you get ship.

What an idea. That's that's actually my personal not you cannot scare me sober because that is my greatest fear.

Dying for a drink and just not letting myself take one is truly my personal health.

So I was terrified. I mean, I really thought the worst thing that could happen to a person is you lose your drinking privileges. And I tried hard to keep them,

especially after the second treatment center. I thought, all right, you have got to get it together.

Shockingly, I couldn't. So again, over and over again tonight, especially if someone here is new or curious about what we're doing here,

it's so much better than that old idea that I just described. We didn't

having gotten sober as the result of the steps,

having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps.

So this this, this story that I'm telling tonight is really the story of the adventure of my rocket ride to this 4th dimension of existence of which I had never even dreamed, but chased in a bottle harder than anyones ever chased anything and found on this rocket found in this spiritual awakening. It's it's, it's a much different one day at a time then I saw on TV.

I also was concerned about Alcoholics Anonymous because you all seem to be people who stopped drinking and I couldn't stop drinking. So where do I go?

It felt like

there are people for whom drinking is a problem and sobriety is there for the solution.

And I kept getting diagnosed and I was thinking about this. I don't know if outside people were diagnosing me with this. Internally, I couldn't see another way. It felt like I kept getting diagnosed with a drinking problem. And so the solution is stop drinking, which to me felt like being in a car that wouldn't start. And people saying, oh, just start it.

You have to want it to start.

I think of all the places you will go if you just start your call.

And I was really, I mean, I'll go and get a masters degree in engine mechanics to figure out how to start this car and have meaning nothing. And meanwhile the world is driving by me effortlessly. They're not trying at all.

I am. It is so bizarre. It looks like I'm not trying because my car is not starting,

but I assure you I was trying infinitely harder than anyone just driving by.

And so a, a came along with great news because again, I thought, I thought, NAA, what we did is gathered and just pushed each other's cars.

No, I, I came along and said, oh, our car wouldn't start either. What we found is sometimes there's just no gas in the tank. So rather than 12 mythical steps to starting a car, here's 12 steps to a gas station.

The thing about it is that the only thing, and this is so this is really a this is really true. The only thing keeping me from the gas station

is me trying to start the car myself. It is the only thing keeping me from getting to that gas station. It is the only thing blocking me from this power source is me trying to do it myself and trying in virtue. Virtuously trying not. Stupidly trying not

not a Stubbornly trying. Really

doing what I think the assignment is, which is just a try harder.

And it's and so I have so much empathy and compassion for anyone who's been in the shoes that I was in where I really thought the assignment was just try harder

then everyone who walks into it anywhere, a treatment center, a doctor's office, even in a meeting and are told just don't drink one day at a time and they think of it.

OK,

even one day at a time,

the cars not starving.

I remember

one of my life early meetings and it was a meeting like this about this size and the speaker

was I think maybe some fancy fellow and, and

he's told this story of his first day sober. His first meeting, he went to the city meeting, he got a sponsor, left the meeting, went to the liquor store, got whatever he got, was walking down the street, this is in New York, and walking down the street with his brown bag of liquor. And he twist the cap and he's just about to take a sip,

a car pulls up next to him and he's a sponsor and his sponsor has a gun. And he says we put that down.

And so he put it down and never drank again.

That my sponsor a gun.

But even more tragically, the truth is. And then I realized, or when I remembered that

I am not sure what I would have done in that situation. Honest to God with a gun pointed at me, it's really 50

and I for sure know what would have happened after he drove away.

So what do I do?

What is? What is the solution for the person whose problem isn't alcohol,

problem instead is can't stop drinking alcohol.

And please don't tell me sobriety is my solution when sobriety is in fact my trigger.

So good news. So I mean. So again, let me come back to the good news.

There is a solution

of what happened for me was on my the night before I went to my first meeting.

I

all right, I'll try. And just

so I was going to this other fellowship because I had a bunch of other things that I knew were a problem and in that other fellowship, they were like, you probably need to stop drinking if you're going to go through the steps. And I was, in fact, it was like,

we'll see. So I was going, I was going to this meeting and then I would go to park. And so I went to the bar where this is again was in New York. And I went to Murphy's because and,

and I was too proud of you. So then I went to Jamesons to order James and I don't know, so romantic. And so then I, I remember I took a slip of the Jameson's and I thought, oh, I don't even

let me finish your way.

My God,

disregard, disregard, disregard. And and then I thought, you know, and I was living with my partner at the time who was a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is tough. That's a tough housemate to your bottom. So anyway,

I go to,

as I go home, I have the one drink and I go home and I'm like, see, I can have a drink, I can have a drink. And I go up to my apartment and she's on the phone with her sponsor. And I was like, are they having an affair? They're on the phone all the time.

I stormed out and I thought, she probably thinks I'm going to go have a drink. I am going to go have a drink, but I don't have to go out of a drink. I don't even want to have a drink so I can have a drink and all these

and I start going down the stairs and I'm thinking, no, I actually, I really don't want to have a drink. I don't want to have a drink. I don't want to have a drink of why can't I stop? My I, I can't stop. I can't stop. I don't want to have a drink. And I couldn't stop myself. And, and I, it was, you know, we have epiphanies all the time. Oh, I definitely need to not drink. And we have this great. I mean, I went to bed with that epiphany for like 10 straight years.

I finally had my first step, one epiphany, which is Oh my God, I can't stop myself.

I have no say. I actually don't want to have a drink

and I have no say in the matter.

And then I had my first step, 2 moment where I pray, Dear God, I think I know you don't want me to drink, but I can't stop myself. So if you really want me to not drink, you have to do it for me.

And then I just continued to the bar to see how God was going to play that hand.

But it really was, I mean, I really

do what you want to do. And I'm telling you my position. I can't stop so

and I got to the bar and I went to open the door and the door wouldn't open and I and I looked in the window and people were in the bar what it was open but the door wouldn't open and I was like no.

Remind me that you're not ready.

I mean, I

and I don't. The truth is, I don't actually. The only thing else I remember about that night is standing on this street corner

and thinking, what am I going to do with these feelings? Like, what does a person do when they feel I so desperately needed to be anesthetized that I would have? And that's the last thing I remember.

So I woke up the next day and I was shocked

that

I hope this story translates to people who weren't there. It kind of was. They had to be there, but it's the story, so I have to tell it. So I woke up the next day and I was shocked that that I had been stopped, that for the first time in my entire life I had been stopped. I had never been stopped before. I was unstoppable. And for one night, for one moment, for maybe one hour, I was stopped.

Not because the door wouldn't open.

Because again, if you're new, I'm with you.

Please God, don't send me into a fate where the only reason I don't drink is because the bars are locked. That's that is not our spiritual awakening.

What was remarkable, what was a miracle wasn't that the door wouldn't open. The miracle was is when I woke up, I thought, Caroline,

as a bottoming out alcoholic, you're familiar with the bar in the corner. You know, there's two doors,

the one that's locked and then the one that opens, the one that opens right next door to the one that's.

So from my perspective, it seems like there was a power that was big enough not to lock the door, but even bigger big enough to mess with my head,

which again, have never been done before. My opinion?

Powerful. It outspores me like there's no match for my thinking

and God had overpowered my thinking in a way. The other thing is, again, this is 53rd and 2nd and Manhattan, if anyone is familiar, is Irish Pub Grow. Right next door to Jamisons is Schmidt. He's a hula, hands and murder. I mean, you know what I mean? Like, it's not like that was my only option,

but for one night it was. For one night my brain didn't even see all of the options. I have been saved from the alcoholic torture of the devil Angel duking it out in front of every bar. I've been saved. The alcoholic torture of knowing I shouldn't drink but I can't not and it's right there. And what

I've been saved from that for one night, I've been saved from that

for one night. The decision had been made for me

and I thought I'd been exposed to a, A before. So I knew that there was like a God thing happening here.

And I've heard slogans like let go and let God

and, and it's and it was very fuzzy, but there was this little, there was this little like a centimeter wide of clarity where I, I sort of sense that maybe it was possible that God that that God wouldn't keep all the bars locked, but that God would actually do this for me, that it actually maybe could be done for me. Maybe there is a reality where I we're drinking actually becomes a non issue where I don't have to battle it out.

And so I ran on foot to an A, a meeting to find this book and to find someone who can tell me how not how to not drink because again, I was not really sold on that yet. I was very scary. I wanted someone to tell me how to access more this power that had done the impossible.

I was so afraid. It's not that I was afraid of drinking again. I was afraid of wanting to drink again,

that nightmare of knowing better and not being able to do better. And the best I can do is drink quick enough so my conscience doesn't catch up to me.

So I was racing the clock again, not to stop myself from drinking. I was racing the clock to get to God before my brain started again. And I got this book. And because I just, I, I had this sense that that was that was the thing being offered. I got this book and literally what I not because I'm good. I'm not this. This talk tonight is not about the wonder of me, I assure you.

This talk really is about the wonder of this program and this power that does this unfathomable

for us.

And so I got this book and literally opened,

OK title page. It's not there. OK other books, not there, stories on anything.

I mean, I didn't want to miss it, but I, I so sincerely was driven by desperation and fear and hope

I got a sponsor.

Umm.

Here's what I learned.

I learned the reason that I could not access this God that I was mastering understanding of the reason I could not access that guy was because I could not stop playing God for a second, not even a second even in prayer. Dear God, we're going to need to work on.

I don't care her attitude, they said. I'm going to need more money

now you know what I mean? Like

I haven't stopped playing God once. Even my efforts, my virtuous efforts to stop myself from drinking

were an act of playing God

virtuously. I tried to play God. I mean again, this isn't the story of a bad person who became a good person.

This is the story of a woman who is so driven by 100 forms of fear and self pity

that the best I can do was the best I can do

until I was shown this other way on the desire short of faith.

So what that looks like for me again, because I had this this much,

I had this big of a window of willingness

and I was told I did. I did everything I was told

and and I was told a lot of things that weren't necessarily in the book. Like I was told 90 meetings and 90 days and it's not in the book, but I was told to do 90 meetings in 90 days. And I was so desperate that I did 90 meetings and 90 days. The cool thing was, is that meant for me for 90 days, I had the opportunity to realize, oh shoot, not today. I've got this deadline.

Shoot, maybe I can do 2 tomorrow. I can do tomorrow,

3:00 on Wednesday.

You want my master like always

and then and then

practice going from the bridge of reason to the desire shore of faith. Let me I I think the assignment is to go to a meeting today. So let me give God the benefit of the doubt and see what happens.

And I got to do that for 90 days in a row. For 90 days in a row I was taught little baby steps on how to get from the Richard reason to the desired shore. Faith

and giving God the benefit of the doubt is no joke. God does not make too hard a terms for those who earnestly see and it doesn't have to be like a 40 day meditation fast to be an honest seeking. It can be as simple as I have no idea how it's going to be OK if I go to this meeting right now. Let me just go to this meeting right now and find out

and amazing things happen. Like at this one deadline, I couldn't. I had this deadline was so important. And it wasn't just a deadline for me. I had a writing partner. It was his deadline too. It would be selfish to go to a meeting and miss this deadline. I can't make my sobriety better than his income.

Hey,

reason can't go to the desired short of faith. Let me just go and see what happens.

Then I come out of the meeting to a text that says the deadlines been moved today. So, you know, I mean, just little things like that, little things that that for me, especially on day eight, weren't little. That was huge. That was common sense becoming uncommon sense.

Going against my reason

is a revolutionary and drastic

because I've been relying on my reason forever

with no brakes.

It is

painful and horrible that we have these minds,

this mental obsession, that

step one more powerless over alcohol, where our bodies were physically allergic, so we've lost the power of control over the amount. When I take a sip of alcohol, I have no say in how much I'm going to drink. I awaken a phenomenon of craving. This is not an allergy to alcohol, it's an allergy to alcohol. It's not a metaphor. It's an actual diagnosed thing. Whether I pray that day or not, when I take a sip of alcohol, I awaken a craving for more. When I walk,

I break out into a rush. 12 steps later, it's just my physical life.

Different from Poison Ivy though. I have a mind that literally won't let me walk away from alcohol. My mind insists my mind is like someone hardwired into my mind, like a GPS. Someone hardwired into my GPS, alcohol and any stuff. I'm not going to alcohol. My GPS says all right, rerouting, rerouting, reroute. I say no, I'm going to a meeting

and my mind says that's fine, reroute and reroute. Rerouting, rerouting, rerouting. We're going to alcohol, Caroline. Take all the time you need.

You know, that's where we're going.

So my adventures before, no matter where I was, what I was doing, who I was with, my adventures before consisted of this.

Are we going to drink now?

Or do you share the whole one?

I mean, for like 15 years, no matter what I was doing, that's the only thing that was happening. That's the mind that I'm stuck with,

which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't rely on this mind for everything.

I the the The only thing we're doing in Alcoholics Anonymous is learning how to rely on something other than our mind. Not even because self-reliance is bad,

is just the self I'm relying on has that in its GPS.

I mean the end,

yeah. So so how are we to how are we to learn how to how are we to access this power? We have to quit playing this power. So playing this power is is relying on my reason everyday waking up running late and thinking oh I'm going to get fired. Playing God

probably ought to call my boss. Until there's a car accident.

You won't believe me. He never does.

I need to find a Google image.

Should I send it to the whole company? Because, you know, they're talking about me.

In fact, they probably won't even

that they never believe me. I quit.

6 seconds on awakening

and it's down.

So yeah,

when we talk about being rocketed, this 4th dimension getting from essentially again my adventures before it looked like this. My adventures actor looked like me sitting on this rocket and to 1/4 dimension.

The thing about this rocket though, is that there's just a passenger seat. Every instinct in me, when I get on, it's like, where's the copilot? Should I go out to the front?

Will I be navigator? Or, you know, what's my role? And the secret handshake of the rocket is that there's just the passenger seat.

And so when we make this decision in step three to turn our life and our will over to the care of this power for essentially agreeing to sit as a passenger on a rocket with no idea where it's going, in blind faith, I have no idea what's going to happen. When I call my boss to say I just overslept, I have no idea. I think I know, but I really I have no idea what's going to happen

and every time I tell the truth I am stepping from the bridge of reasons.

Desire, show our faith.

And as I build that muscle, I find myself on this rocket and it's and it's so amazing

the when I think back to my first year of sobriety

every time again, I cannot emphasize this enough. At least my experience was God does not make 2 order terms for those who earnestly seek. And that was 100% my experience, especially my first year where I was so curious

what will happen in

I think back to

let's talk about the bondage itself.

I'm not known for like my linear thinking, sorry.

I

that monologue I just did about my mornings, finding the Google image that that's also referred to as the bondage of self playing God is the bondage of self knowing what you're thinking and knowing what to do to fix what you're thinking. So you'll tell her and she'll feel this way. And why is he looking at me? Let me do this. I'll make you a sandwich. Where's my bedroom? Oh, now I can't talk to you.

All the blades is the Vonage itself.

I'm not in the bondage of alcohol. I did not take a 12 step ladder out of the bondage of alcohol. I took a 12 step ladder out of the bondage of self.

The bondage itself is like a migraine that only alcohol can fix. Alcohol in my adventures before was my remedy, was my relief from this bondage of self.

Get fired from a job and put job on panics. I'm going to be homeless and die, let me take a drink. Oh my God, the best idea.

Oh my God, I I'm worried that I love my partner. Like I said, totally right. All all,

all of my difficulties are solved. Alcohol. Alcohol up until now has freed me from the bondage itself, and if I wasn't allergic to it, there wouldn't be a problem. I could still rely on alcohol to relieve me from the bondage itself. Many people do and they're fine.

I just it's I'm allergic. So when I take a sip for relief from the bondage of self it, it doesn't stop there,

and in fact bizarrely goes to where I'm now. Drunker than I ever wanted to be while reaching for more alcohol, wishing I was less drunk, reaching for more alcohol, drinking against my own will. If that wasn't the case, if I could call my numbers, I wouldn't. We wouldn't be gathered today.

So. So the idea isn't I need to learn how to not drink. The idea is I need relief from this migraine. I need to let if I leave a treatment center and I've learned everything there is to learn about everything there is to learn, that's all well and good, but if I leave with a migraine, I'm still doomed.

People in meetings and and and detoxes and places that I go and talk about, like I'll give the the analogy of my poison ideology and I'll say, you know what? I trust Poison Ivy. Greg Gatton Hines The solution is don't touch Poison Ivy. It's fine with alcohol. I take a sip of alcohol, I break out in craving. The solution is don't drink alcohol.

So why? Why am I so crazy about alcohol? I mean, imagine if I just jumped in the Poison Ivy everywhere I turned and they said, well, it's not the same because alcohol makes you feel good.

And I'm just doing that, marking that.

Except for us, the reason it makes us feel good is the same reason that Tylenol makes someone within migraine feel good. Alcohol is a medicinal feeling good for me.

I thought I just really like to party and I really like to have a good time. I was baffled why my friends weren't still going, why on Monday morning before school we weren't still drinking. I I have that same feeling we had on Saturday. We can have a lot of money too.

And then we're like, Nah,

I'll go to algebra just the way I

like. I couldn't understand it it. It did not occur to me that alcohol felt so good to me because it was relieving an ailment and the ailment was existing.

The ailment was the bondage of self.

So getting on this rocket as a passenger,

I get free from the bond of yourself not being in a pilot seat, freezing from the bondage itself.

It's so amazing.

I keep wanting this. I keep thinking at the end, I mean, that's what else more could there be to say about it? But let me tell you

so, So I, I make that decision, that third step decision, which I initially thought from other meetings I've been to detoxes. I thought in the third step you just sorted God, you never were going to try it again. I really thought, 73, swear to God, you're never going to treat again. Nope. 73, make a decision to not drink. Nope.

Make a decision to turn my life and my will over the care of God, whether drinking is involved or not. Actually making a decision to turn my will in my life over to the care of God.

Hey, but how do we do that? First things first, we do quit playing God. Hey, how do we do that? Well, let's look in the force that how you play God. I was shocked. I was I truly was shocked. I mean, I think a lot of us, maybe all of us are shocked because I really, I mean, you know, my mom might say differently, my sister might say differently. But if I came into AAI think I was like super nice.

It's really a doormat. And really there was going to be like an issue.

I had no idea that every breath I took was skating, every breath was steaming. And usually I have figured out a good scheme was being nice and then clever. Like, that was my clever scheme.

I had no idea how to let a person be who they were because I so badly needed them to play the role I assigned. I have no idea. The thing was is it was a fine role. It was in their best interest to play this role.

I was just

working with a woman and looking at four step stuff.

So we've got the first column, super easy. Who am I mad at? What am I mad at? Second column, what they did, super easy. Couldn't wait for Allison to read this

3rd column. What does it affect? Not super interested in that, just kind of a check the box and then a board call. In my mistakes

I found out that I I had no relationships anywhere. I had transactions,

I had the most important column, this third column of these instincts where it was handed over to you and if you didn't do right by them, I couldn't sleep.

That was that was the summation of all of my relationships.

I have never even gotten to know a person for who they were. And again, I please understand oh so nice about it.

I

I had this relationship where I was engaged with this woman who was sober and, and she left me

and I was so mad. And I mean, I was disturbed.

It did not occur to me. So let's say she she, she left me, doesn't love me, would literally rather be in a room without me than with me. That hurts.

3rd column effects everything. Effects myself esteem, my ambitions, my my personal relations, my security.

Because what I remembered is that I was 100% using this person for an apartment, for self esteem, for my ambitions. How I know that is because when she left, so did they.

I had no idea. This, this isn't it's, this isn't a group of people tourists gathered.

It's a group of people who have learned

how to quell their fears. I am so afraid I'm not going to be taken care of. This is what I think I can do to ensure that I am. I wasn't trying to hurt or use this person. It's just I didn't know any better. It didn't even occur to me,

and to find that out, it was devastating, the summit degree, but it was actually the best news item. I it's good to find out what the bondage looks like. Is there is a way out of that? If the root of my suffering is her leaving, I'm screwed. What can I do? She left. I can't get her back. I'm sure I tried.

So I'm just doomed to toss and turn for the rest of my life.

I cannot be at the mercy of other people's behavior. And as it turns out, I'm not. It's such good news. The more we have in that 4th column, the better because that's what we have power over. That's what we get to get free over. I'm actually, as it turns out, not suffering because she left. I'm suffering as of what's in the fourth column. I'm suffering from my using her. I'm suffering because I tried to play God and she warded it.

It's

I'm so lucky. So then we then we go to our sponsor and we confide in them all the stuff that we have written out. And the book says on the other side of that, we thank God from the bottom of our heart that we now know God better.

So

I guess I maybe misspoke earlier when I said my understanding of God wasn't that different than it is now. It's radically different

for all the words I can string together. I didn't know God because I hadn't experienced God.

You can kind of look at a rocket or imagine a rocket,

but you don't know the rocket, so you get on the rocket.

I have been too afraid to get on the rocket and I didn't know how. So let me just again thank Alcoholics Anonymous for creating this literal step by step on how to get onto this rocket.

I want to sort of skip now to the coolest thing that happened to me

in sobriety, which was I lost my job and,

and at the same time, this fellow who I couldn't understand, he was from Algeria, could never understand him, called me. And because I'm on this desired shore of faith now, I just say yes. And so he calls and says something I don't understand in a faithful way. I say, OK, sure. And then I get a call from this girl that I'm sponsoring saying, congratulations, I hear that you are now in charge of all of H and I for New York.

Oh my gosh, what does that mean? She said. Oh, you know, you just make sure that

there's a meeting at all the hospitals and institutions and these classes and prisons and all. New York.

Do you know how many

in hospitals and institutions the residents are already there? So many for every for every bar, there's a place.

And this really

thing happens where

I, I grew up in a world of AA where the 12th step was kind of optional. The truth is I grew up in a world of a, a where the steps were optional. Like I even said to my Home group at one point, maybe we should get some books. And they said, why this is a beginner's meeting. You know what I mean? Because this idea that First things first, stop drinking,

then like if maybe if you're not working,

read this.

This is extra credit,

but don't need to show me about it. That's kind of the world that I grew up in.

It was

so it was hard to get people to take meetings,

so I have to.

And

again, I've lost my job, so I had the time. And so like two, sometimes three times a day,

I was carrying this message and I didn't even really, I'll be honest, I didn't really even understand the message until I started carrying it

for like the 1st 10 meetings. I thought it really was just about keeping these sad people entertained for an hour, just distracting that, you know, I think it still had an awful computer. And then this really powerful thing happened where I started seeing the same faces, like, I believe, you know, Metropolitan. And then a week later, I'd be at Beth Israel and the guy from Metropolitan is not Beth Israel and he's not doing better.

And, and I started to

actually care about what it was that I was transmitting.

I mean really care.

I had gotten really good at repeating very wise things I had heard