Paramount speakers in Paramount, CA

Thank you.

I am Bill Smith. I am an alcoholic. I'm supposed to the grace of God and the fellowship, this program and

Rick and I of all people, we know there's a God. Could we just drove down from Las Vegas with Bob Darl?

Well, he talks a lot better than he drives, I can tell you that.

I will tell you another story about him and I years ago, but I won't get into that. What I want to do is I really want to welcome the new people. And

maybe you're here for two or three years and you still got this big hole in your gut like I had. I'd like to welcome you to and just say stay here, keep doing this deal and and

you'll transfer the head to the heart sometime. That's, that's a long trip for some of us. For me was a long, long trip, A lot of years to get it to come from here to here because I never understood alcoholism. And, you know, in a room this size, if I can make a difference in two or three people's lives or one person's life,

it would be worth the trip because I hope someday one of you guys will make a difference in my daughter so I can help your kids. I just can't help mine, you know. And so my sponsor said go help with other people's kids and somebody else, send somebody to help your kid. And that's what we do here, you know. And so when I look at people and detox and stuff, I don't look at it like just people that somebody's son is somebody's daughter, somebody's brother. And that's what we are here. You know, we're not just faces. We're we're people who live every day with the most deadliest

disease on the face of the Earth. And I didn't understand that. And everybody don't have what I have, you know, and my stories a little bit different. Some people's, you know, I was raised right. I really was. I just turned left.

I got three brothers that, you know, that's just excelled at school and everything. And my mom, she she used to think it's funny. I didn't she'd go. I got three sons and him, you know, and

you know, and I always felt out of place and, you know, I, but you know, the big book talks about a guy who does pretty good if you don't drink. And I, I do, I do pretty good if I don't drink, you know, I go to work. I, I mean, things are pretty good for me really are you know, I, I come out of shoot a little bit irritable and restless and discontent. I've always been like that, you know, and I've been wound tight most of my life. And after 28 years in a A, I'm still wearing sort of tight, but

I don't know, I was like 15 or 16, something like that. I must have been 16 because I was driving this little car and I was at this bootlegger's house. I'm from North Carolina

and

had a daughter there and she had what I wanted and

I was willing to go to any links to get it except talk to her.

And I standing over there staring like I do, you know, and

wonder if you'd like to get lucky and

I don't know, somebody hand me a glass of that white whiskey. And,

you know, I heard a guy from the podium say he on his first drink that he could fill the back of his hair, stand up and his fingers and they'll grow and all that stuff. And I'm thinking you ought to drink white whiskey. It don't do that.

But what happened was in a period of time,

20 minutes or whatever it was, for the first time in my life, my skin fit. I was OK. And now whatever is in that glass was great because about 20 minutes later she was in my car. So

whatever's in there I needed and but I didn't know that I had alcoholism and I didn't know that was part of it. Silkwood talks about that we drink for cause and effect. And I was just in North Carolina, and we did the so-called thing with another friend, and he said that's what makes a difference. And that is part of it.

But there's more to alcoholism than that. There's a lot more to it. Now, what Silkworth is talking about is an allergy to the body,

and that's part of alcoholism. And I didn't know that, you know, once I pick up a drink, see, once I pick up a drink, I heard a guy say, I don't know what's going to happen. I know exactly what's going to happen when I pick up a drink. I'm going to have another drink, you know, and I get to where I'm dancing. I'm having a really good time, you know what I mean? I am cooking. I'm out there just boogalooing and Mashed potato and do it all. You know, I never took a dance medicine in my life, but I can dance when I'm drunk, boy. I mean, I can get it on, you know, And then I do something that other people don't do,

right? They'll just keep dancing, have a drink. No, I'm having fun.

I'll have another one, you know, and the same guy. And what I do is I drink right on past that and later on I'm passed out because I can't stop it. You know, I get her picked out and you know, I got to fight. Picket fence all built and two little kids running around. I don't know her name yet, but I got it all planned up here in my head, you know, and, and I drink like pasta and I didn't understand that And I had that from the start.

I just once I pick up a drink, I cannot control how much I drink

says that we there's all different types of manic depressions. There's a guy that does really good, you know, when he doesn't drink, but we all have one thing in common and this puts us in a different entity. He says, and that's the one she picks it up. There's phenomenal craving develops and they cannot control how much he drinks. And I never tried to quit drinking. I just joined the Navy to see the world, became a drunk just the way it is. You can do a lot. I'm not going to give you a long thing. I'm going to tell you some of the things,

but when I was in the Navy, I was in Long Beach, CA. I still remember this and it's always, I don't know why this is so important to me, but every time I talk, I think of this because I was like 19 years old and it, you have to be 21 to drink in California. But they never asked me how old I was. You know, I don't know if I look like I need a drink or just, you know, I didn't go in to bother anybody anyway. I went in to drink. I bothered people after I got drunk. But when at first I just go in the drink, I drink. You know, there's a lady that worked with me in Las Vegas.

She said, you know him and I drink in the same bar. He never said hello to me. I always intended to say hello to her 'cause she was really a good looking girl. But when I get ready to say hello, I was so drunk that I couldn't get from my stool to hers, you know, so I never got it on. But we drank in the same place and me and Fran and I, you know, and I was in Long Beach and there used to be an old thing down I call the Pike. I don't even know if it's there anymore or not. But

you know, that's where I hung out at Saratoga Bar and

Nice Place, and I got too drunk to go back to the ship. So I passed out in that park across the street. And I woke up and it's not like Las Vegas. The bars wouldn't open. And I was standing. I'm 19 years old and I'm standing outside that bar

with all them old guys waiting for that bar open. You know, I mean 35 and 40 years old

when you 1940 years old. 40 is a kid now, but not ten. And they out there shaking like this and we go inside and I still remember it's sort of like this. And I'm telling you the best I can remember, I was never trying to lie for my peer or I try to impress you because I don't want to do that because we die of this thing every day. And I know that.

But I remember these guys in there and I remember I just told that guy I had folded money. These guys had most of them had changed and a little bit of money, not much. And you know, I said, hit the shot glass two or three times with a short beer bag to get my heart started, you know, then I'm watching these guys and he would pour theirs in an old fashioned glass or a rate of tall glass so they wouldn't spill it so they could get it up. And I'm sitting there giving them a lecture. Look what you're doing to yourself for Christ sake. You know,

come hell, can't you see what this crap has done to you? What are you nuts?

I mean, God, look at you, guy, you know, and the guy is going to like, leave me alone, you know? And he's trying to get the bang thing down, get three or four. So he could go like that, right? You know,

And in less than 10 years, before I was even 30, I would be the guy in Las Vegas going like that, trying to get it down, you know, right now, it is amazing that the alcoholic mind has the ability not to give you the picture. You see. I can see what's happening to you.

I have no idea what's happening to me. Not the slightest. I didn't have the slightest idea that I was in for another 21 years of just absolutely insane trying to weigh trying to change my life and not being able to. The alcoholic mind has the ability. If you could see, if you come and take a picture,

I'm sitting right in the middle of it and I tell you something. I've watched my daughter. I know that she can't see the picture and I don't even try to explain it to her, 'cause nobody could explain it to me. I just had to run its course. And I was arrested eleven times when I was in service. A lot of things you can do in the Navy, but you can't miss the boat.

I was in Imokuni, Japan. They add the two things. I like them. Had to have the houses with the whiskey and the girls in them. And you don't have to talk. Just put your money up and drink and do your thing. And,

and I did too much of both, I guess. And anyway, I woke up and the ship was on and they put me on a Air Force crash boat to catch the ship. And I remember coming up and they said the old man wants to see you. And I made a plan to stay in service because I knew guys like me would have a little trouble outside. That's all I'm thinking. I'm going to have trouble if I get out. And so I was going to make a career of the Navy and they took all my stripes.

So I told them what they could do with the Navy. And the day I got out of the Navy, they give me a bunch of mustard out money. So I call my mom and dad said I'm coming home to Florida,

but you can't put money in my pocket and expect me to arrive someplace when I tell you I'm going to be there, you know? And I did drive in Florida 46 days later

through a place called Chester, IL. And don't ask me why I went to her and you know, and that's my life. I just pick up a drink and I'm and I'm long gone. And I didn't never tried to quit. I got burnt out in Florida. I got a good job at general electorate. And if you missed five days with them, they fire you. I missed 28, they wouldn't fire me. So I just quit.

Nine to five didn't thrill to me. I would just like nothing. Every time I'd get something, it seemed like that was it. And after I got it, that ain't it. Then I get something else and she's it and get her. That ain't it, you know, And I get a job and that ain't it. And I want to work on a commercial fishing boat. I thought, Dang, this is it. You know, they're all drunks.

And I said, man, I can handle this. And they were, that's what they were. They were drunks. They wouldn't Alcoholics.

They fired me. They kept all the drunks and fired me. You know, I come to work, want to tell them how to run the fish company. I don't guess they appreciate it, you know,

Went in one time. I told my mom, I said I'm my mother loved me. I was her first born. She loved me mourning anything in the world. And I told my mom, I said I'm going to Las Vegas. And she says we'll help you pack.

I'm about 27 or 28. And she said we don't know what to do for you. And I'm thinking a couple 100 would help, you know, And showed up in Las Vegas. And I wound up a very short time getting a job at a dollar an hour. Let me tell you about my brothers. I just got back from North Carolina last Saturday. My brother has a home on Carolina Beach on Kern Beach.

Three story on the beach. You sit on the porch and there's the water. He just retired from shipping chemicals. I don't know how much money they gave him but but it's a ton.

My other brother owns his own company. It's a small company now, but at one time it wasn't.

My other brother put the airports in for the government at the age of 17. I'm saying from my first judge because I'm an alcoholic and they're not. And I wind up on Fremont Street and there's everything in my Carnation box walking down Fremont Street. I lived at six and Carson Hotel. If you ever go out there, go look at it as I could drive by it all the time. Remind myself where I used to live and when I say I was homeless, I'm not homeless all the time. I would get a cheap motel for a while or I would sleep on somebody's couch for

But I spent a better part of two years, I got a job at a Shield. That's a guy that starts a game making $1.00 an hour and thought I made a score. And guys when I went to work for him, they always liked me. When it when you first met me, you liked me. I don't know what that was after you knew me for a week or two, you wasn't sure.

And after two weeks or more you just couldn't stand because I would use an abuse. And I don't mean to do that. And everybody took it personal. It's not personal, you know, I used to tell my mom, you know, it's not personal, you know,

you know, all the other boys would pay the rent. They would, they chart my mother, they paid my mom $15 slash room food and everything. And I'd be barring it every week. I borrowed it and every and she was so easy. It was always like, honey, you know, you need to straighten out and all the time she's reaching for a purse, you know, and you know, and I and and you know, I like to tell you I felt bad doing that, but I didn't. I needed it. I had to have it. It ain't like I'm feeling bad. I mean

nothing personal, you know? God, everybody takes it personal, you know? And I'm like, you owe me money. Oh, sure, I owe everybody, you know,

And I just, I wound up on the street and I met this lady and

she was my Eskimo and she still is. It's my ex-wife bobbing. All these guys know that I've been divorced almost 20 years. I mow the yards. There's nothing that she wants that I don't do, nothing. She's allowed anything she wants because she was the one that for the first time in my life, this is the second phase of alcoholism. I made-up my mind, wound up Little Church of the West. I don't know how it happened, but I wound up married.

She had four things I needed. She had an apartment and a car and a couple more things

and

beautiful cocktail waitress and I fell in love with her after I married her, not when I married her. I just, I just wound up married and that happens in Vegas. You know, I woke up and there she is and I started straighten out and I first time in my life I tried to start getting my life together and I went into a hospital down in Santa Barbara. So her hotel put me down. Remember how many days I was in the hospital, but

the doctor sitting on the side of my bed telling me if I drink anymore, I was going to die?

My liver is swollen up and everything is starting to quit on me. I'm the kind of guy once I start drinking, I don't eat and just everything started quitting. And so I came back from Las Vegas and I did exactly what I said I do. I'm on my way back. I said, OK, enough's enough. And I always thought I was unique until I, you know, I've been reading a book lately. I don't know, I've studied the book now more than I did the 1st 10 years I was in a A and there's a lot of good stories in there by Jim, the car salesman.

The guy with 25 years. He would did really good in business. He was even said he was happy, but he didn't drink nothing for 25 years and I didn't drink for seven years. I'm a little bit wound. I think I'm more like Jim. Jim said he was a little bit irritable because he was working for a company he used to own. That was sort of pissed me off, you know. But today he picked up that drink. I got to remember that he had a sandwich and a glass of milk and he's not even thinking about drinking. He's just having a salmon's glass of milk. He's in the cellar car

and he 'cause he knows he can sell a car that he's not thinking about drinking or nothing. And this is the thing about alcoholism I can never understand until and then all of a sudden, with the second sandwich and a slice of milk, just putting a shot on the full stomach. Well, that makes sense, right? But he doesn't realize, and I don't realize that I have an allergy and once I pick up the drink, I must have another drink and less. In no time he's back, and then silent again. But the other guy, he hadn't had a drink for 25 years.

And it's not like when he left off. When he left off, he had a little shakes in the morning. When he started drinking this time, in less than two months, he's back in the hospital. In less than four years, he was dead. And I got to remember that morning that I went out because that morning I went out. I was told for seven years. Some people say 8, some say 6, so I say seven. I'm not sure. But I was sober quite a while on my own. I didn't drink. I did some heavy chemicals.

Well, the book talks about heavy senators. I did a few

some spondylitis, I looked them up. It was a stop extreme Alcoholics when shaking and

I worked good. I had a 7 year old daughter. The morning I took a drink, I had a little truck and little boat. I was in the bedroom. They liked me at the Sahara, not that good, but they sort of tolerated me as a Sahara. Not really like me, that's not the right word, just sort of tolerate me and went out to play golf all morning. I was playing in a tournament and I was in 3rd place. The time was like $4000 in the 60s. That's a lot of money savings. That's a lot of money,

and especially for a working guy. And I was playing with the Mantle boys, Mickey's two brothers and another guy, and one of them offered me a drink

in 2 minutes.

Before I picked up that drink, I didn't know I was gonna pick it up because I hear people say that I'm all there. Then I wasn't. Well, I'm tired of nothing. I'm playing golf, I'm having a good time. And two minutes before I picked up that drink, I didn't know I was going to pick it up. The book says the people like we will have no mental defense against the first rate. And if we really honest, we don't have the slightest idea and I don't have the slightest ideal. While I picked up, I know one thing my mind didn't say. Hold it up, Luke.

Hold it. Just a second here. Let's run over your pass.

You know what I mean? Doctor says if you drink anymore, you're going to die. He's on Fremont Street walking up, down our calls. Done everything to you. It's destroyed. You're you're not allowing your brother's property. Nobody wants anything to do with you. My mind didn't say that. I think it said maybe you'll putt better. I don't know what he said.

If I'm honest with you, I don't have any idea what he said. Oh, I know what I said. Give me one. You know, in less than two weeks I'm a falling down drunk. And 14 months later, I tried to do something that I never ever thought I'd do. I tried to commit suicide

and I am not that type. Dude, let me tell you, I'll shoot you,

but I am not that type. And I tell you something. I was exactly what Bob talked about. I was at the jumping off place. I couldn't live without it because I know it's not doing for me when I was at that bootleggers house and I can't do quit. Quit now and I know I can't.

And I tell you something, the book doesn't use the word so as suicide. It says you will wish from the end. So of course says we will make the stream sacrifice rather than continue to fight. And I heard a guy say it and describes me good and the only reason I use things people say only if I identify with it. And my good friend Don P says had a mind that won't work and a body that won't die. Let me tell you something boy, that's a hell of a place to be. And I had no idea that less than 10 days I would be in alcoholic synonymous.

So if you're new here, I'm gonna blow a theory out that sit in these rooms a lot. I heard a guy say if you're not in these rooms for yourself, you can't stay here. That's bull. I don't keep you fell through the roof. I don't care how you got here in the Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're lucky enough and you alcoholic to be sitting in rooms of Alcoholics and law machine most likely humans like a human being in the world. Absolutely I'd get anything if that was a girl of mine with this shopping. She has showed up, you know, but she drinks in detox. I just love her. People say

the guy said she drinking detox. I said, I don't know about you, dude. That's what Alcoholics do. Put them anywhere they'll drink, you know. And, and, and 10 days later, 2 weeks later, I was they had the 1975 roundup of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I still remember a lot of the speakers, Tom O'Sullivan who passed away and Father Hillary passed away and Johnny Harris and all of them. And I'd like to tell you that I heard everything everybody said that weekend, and I'd be lying to you.

But I'll tell you something, I don't know what happened, but this is what happened. I didn't go to a meeting on Monday

and on Tuesday I looked at my wife and I said I'm going to an alcoholic salamis meeting

and I've been coming ever since I showed up. This is I showed up. I like to tell you I showed up because I love the people that say they do it good. See, I had this little gal and I'm trying to get her off my back. How big if I go to a for a while, be pretty cool. So I showed up at the Olana club down in Carson jurors Nuggets when it was my name is Bill. And that's OK when you first get there. But I started going to two or three meetings a day and doing the same thing. My name is Bill. And after about two weeks they started staring like today he's going to say it. Now I know what they want, right?

Screw you, right? I'm sitting the back of room. Come on back, we'll talk about it. I don't have a slightest problem with it, dude, You know, And I raised my hand right before my month was up and said my name is Bill and I'm an alcoholic. I could have said also, I'm a brain surgeon. I'm also an astronaut. I could, because that's what you want to hear. I'm a street guy. So that's what you want to hear. I'll tell you. I did a bit more meaning nothing. You know why? Because I didn't have any idea what I was talking about. Probably the first time in my life I've ever been honest. I'm Bill,

right?

How about Bill all screwed up? Oh yeah?

How about Bill? Hated by everybody, neighbors and everything. Well, how about Bill can't get on his brother's property? Oh yeah, I'm that. How about Bill? Alcoholic. No,

not alcoholic. Why not? That's the only time I feel good when I'm drunk. I don't feel good. Now you have people coming here say I got so you know, they wouldn't say that, but this is what I heard coming to Alcoholics Anonymous. I got some quit drinking and I feel wonderful. You know, I come in here in about 3 days I went from suicide to homicide. I didn't want to hurt me on the kill. Every son of a gun I've seen, and you know, I don't remember the guy, but Big Jim was his name and he was, I mean, he was sent behind the desk and he said something, then I said something,

said something. I said listen dude, get out of chair. Come on out, son, I'll change the way you live,

you know. And he started getting up and they called him Big Jim for a reason, because he got up forever, you know? And I thought, Gee, I thought, I ain't no better at this sober than I am drunk, you know? And you know what happened was Jim had great sobriety. Thank God for people like him. He got up, started screaming at them. Guys, get this idiot a cup of coffee. He's trying to get somebody to run him out of urine. Ain't going to be me. He needs to be here. I'm thinking,

why do I need to be here?

I don't even like it here. I don't even like you, you know, and I just Sophia new. What happened was, I know now through God's grace, when I came out of the hospital, I tried to quit drinking.

Now I can look back and see where I was really trying to quit drinking. If you're new here, the only requirement to be here is the desire to stop drinking. That's it. That's the only requirement to be here. Start finding somebody and doing like I did. You know, I just got with the right people and they would like drag me along. Catfish John was the first one. He bring me over his house and I'd be fixing the fence and doing this and doing that and cleaning the boat

and then Don and then Billy. And then they were just like not one day. They knocked on my door and I opened the door and there they were. And I said, what do you want? They said you got some coffee. I said sure, don't you? Jesus, you know, and

being as you'll let them in, let them in, you know, and come on in. How you doing? I'm doing great, Jesus, you know, like I want to kill everybody, but other than that I'm okay, you know? And it's over John's house one day and he said you're coming over this weekend. I said no, I can't. Engel wants me to do some painting. John was a professional painter. That's what he did. And he said, well then I'll come over and help you. And I said that's OK John, I'll do it myself. And John screamed at me.

He goes, you selfish,

all kinds of nice words, you call me. Then he says, you know, don't you feel good when you come over here and help me? I said, yeah. He said, then why don't you be nice enough to let me feel good? This is what I do. I said, hell, John, come over, paint the whole house. I don't care. So that's what we wind up doing, painting the whole house, you know, And they called him catfish, John, and he wanted to go fishing. And he was telling. He said, you know, I bet a dollar on the 1st, a dollar on the biggest and a dollar on the most. And when I get back, I'll have $3. If you're a newcomer, don't go get in the boat

and stay all night with an old timer. Don't do it. You get a unit 14 foot boat and you get a 36 hour a meeting. Just all they want to talk about is a, a, a this and A and A and A and A and you know, I want to use them for an anchor. After about an hour, you know,

we got there already, took a little worm and caught a fish right away. So that cost you a butt. Well, I can tell you when the trip was over, he paid me a dollar and he come back to hang and said, God, that guy could fish you. So I could have told you that, you know, bodies, but I've never been fishing sober. I didn't know you could do it, you know. And what happened was I had a boat and he said you've been taking the boat to the lake. I said no. He says, well, it'll run sober.

I said, well, I've never been on it. So, so I took it out. He said, you going to run the motor? So I took it out and I brought it back and I said I took the boat to the lake. He slammed me fishing kits. I said I didn't take my poles. And he says, well, come on, we'll go fishing. And so you people even have showed me how to fish sober, you know, and what happened was after about a little over a year, I had a year I didn't take a cake. I wasn't doing the thing. I didn't have a sponsor.

I was just hanging out like thousands of people in a a going through the rooms on the way to the graveyard

because I wouldn't do any deal. I was going to two or three meetings a day and that's all I was probably capable of doing and

come out of the Triangle Club on then I knew I was going to never make it home. And I turned around. There was an old guy behind me named Ted Davis. And I was 28 years ago, 27 years ago, and he's still my sponsor today. And I said, will you please be my sponsor? And before he could say anything, I said the most stupidest thing I've ever said in my life. I said, well I'll do anything you tell me.

I was so afraid he was going to say no. Let me tell you something guys, and Bobby talks about a lot and I love it when he talks about the gift of desperation is the greatest gift God ever give an alcoholic. I was so desperate. I was so afraid he was going to say no now. And if he said no, I was a dead man. I'd seen enough guys, you know, as soon as he got you know, he said, okay, build my house at 1:30 this afternoon. I said, well, I wasn't talking about today, you know? And

he said, didn't you just tell me that you were? I said I'll be over and

he's 80 years old. He's got

42 years of sobriety and he said I want you to go in a 12 step list and I said listen to it. I'm not a real alcoholic. Not what the book talks about. He says tell him that they'll like that.

I said, you don't understand, Ted. I said, I'm so angry, I'm just so tight up that I want to kill people. He said tell him that. He said Billy, just don't be nothing. You're not buddy. He said get him in the van, get him to the meetings and turn them over. So I started picking you guys up and you know what you guys want to do when I pick you up?

Want to talk telling me about your drinking? Here you go. I can pick up a drink and I can't control it. I'm going. So you know, and then I try to quit and I can't quit. Then they say that stupid crap, right? I know I'm alcoholic. I'm thinking I'm not, but I sound a lot like him. And I finally picked up enough of you jerks that you finally convinced me that whatever you got, I got, you know, So if I got what you got, I started picking out some guys that I wondered what they had. My sponsor, he'll tell you, had a quarter million

house, new Lincoln Continental and a 40 foot boat out front. I thought, Yep, that'll work, you know. So he became my sponsor and I'd like to tell you I did a four step right away and that would be a lie. But let me tell you about the second step, second step of a good friend Sandy talks about it. Find a spiritual way of life of going to the bitter end. See, what I like to tell you is my spiritual light is out 'cause when I corner quit, I can't. When I pick up a drink, I can't control it. And I call it my spiritual life. My spiritual

was dead.

The 12th The steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, designed to do one thing,

one thing only to turn the spiritual light on South. I don't pick up the first drink. I am, You hear people say I'm part of us over people's places and things. The book's talking. I am powerless over alkaline, powerless over that first drink without some kind of a power. People like me. It's not if I'm going to drink again, it's just when I'm going to drink again. People like me, we drank. You hear that? We don't drink no matter what, while I drink no matter what.

So the steps are designed. It's a process

that I got to start putting my life and in step two in the 12 or 12, it says this is piece meal which we will get a little piece of this the rest of our life. Find a spiritual way of life going to the bitter end. Too bad there's not a door 3 right? Find her, get a better job, you know, spiritual way of life. And that's what the steps done to

turn my will of my life over to care of somebody that I don't, that I know if he ever gets a hold of me is going to have a bonfire. That's tough.

Step three, it says if you was raised religious like me, you will have more problems than the person who has never been involved in religions.

I knew that it was a God and I knew people like me. It broke every rule he'd ever put down. And no matter how good I did a A I knew that when I died, I was going to burn in hell. I just knew that. And I'll tell you something. I can stand before you right now from the bottom of my heart tell you I don't believe like that no more. I don't believe it like that. I have a very loving God in my life. And I tell you something I love the lamplighter where you can see where the lamplighter's been. I don't know if you've ever heard that story not, but there's a lamplighter in England and you can see where he's, he goes through relaxing lamps at night. You can see

been there before he's been, but you can't see where he's going. And I look back over my life at all the different things that's happened and I can see where God's been in my life. And that's what I have to do. I have to look back and see where little bitty things happen. When I was about nine months sober, I went into the old beer bar where I used to drink all the time, and I'm on my way to an A meeting. I ran in and went up there and I ordered a drink and I told Bill God. She gave me a drink and it was the only bartender in Las Vegas who knew I wasn't drinking. And all he said was he said

I thought she was off this crap. And I started shaking. I said, Bill, geez, I'm on the way to an aid meeting. I want a pack of cigarettes. Then I went to an A meeting and I tell them, guys, you won't believe what happened. The guy says, I believe you.

I said, what the hell you talking about? He said, Billy, you got an alcoholic mine. I said, what the hell you mean. He said, let me ask you a question. When did you ever go into the beer bar and order cigarettes first? What did you do the first thing you went in that beer bar? I said order a drink. He said, well, mine was just doing what it always did. I said, am I that fragile? He says, oh, yeah, you really are. And I thought, wow. He said, isn't it a good thing

that God let you go into that bar and something I said that God didn't have nothing to do with it. Billy was the bartender, you know, He says, oh, Jesus,

what if he'd have walked in some other place? And I can see now that he's exactly right. And I got story after story, you know, in October, I used to wouldn't take any kind of speaking engagement anything because now for the people who animal actors, you cut this part out of the tape if you buy it. But I love the hunting fish and I don't do that in October. I always go,

always go hunting.

The guy called me and said we got a sponsorship thing that don't forget you're doing Saturday, you know, I said, I said when is that? He said October the first. I said I don't do things in October. When did I make this commitment? He said long time ago. He said we'll get somebody else. I said no, if I made that commitment, then I'll take it. So I go down to October, the first to do that, and Valerie comes up and tells me that

don't forget tomorrow they have indict T's. So I'm thinking I'll do the sponsorship Saturday and I'll leave early Sunday morning.

So the chief comes up and said, don't forget Dick T's a 35th birthday is tomorrow. And so come in, they want you to chair at a meeting. I said, jeez, why can't he have his birthday in August or some other time? Why he got to have in October or you know, I said, all right, I'll be there. I said Christ. So I said, all right, I'll go to that thing and then I'll leave. Sunday afternoon I got my truck all packed and I go to that thing and one of them idiots I sponsor come up to me and says, you know,

I'm really, really in bad space and I need some spend some time with you and I'm going good God almighty, what's going on?

But see, God has a plan and I don't know it, right? So I said, all right, so he I started to talk to him. He was a lot sicker than I thought. He used the magic word that gets my attention. He used suicide. And I said like, come over and Monday morning we'll spend some time together and I'll leave Monday afternoon. And he was sick and I thought and I hung out with him all day Monday. And so I said, well, I'll just go to bed real early and I'll get up Tuesday and I'll leave

by 10:00 that night my phone rang.

It was my daughter.

She'd failed and busted a sign of her face and all kinds of things had happened. See, if I'd have had my way, I would have been going on Saturday, but I had my way. I'd been going on Sunday. But because I've always made myself available in Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm on the 12 step list and a lot of people have my phone number and people know I'm in a a God always has a chance to get a hold of me. So if you're new here tonight, make sure that enough people got your number when things start happening in your life that God can get a hold of you.

Guys like Bobby 9 and he's breaking all these guys that go do all this thing. We stay right in the middle of the herd and that way that God can always get a hold of us right now,

she said. She says I'm really bad shape. She's

Bobby Knight and he's Brick and all these guys that go do all this thing. We stay right in the middle of the herd and that way that God can always get ahold of us right now,