The Paramount speakers group in Paramount, CA

Hi everybody.

I'm Sabrina. I'm an alcoholic

and I'd like to introduce tonight's main speaker, Kip

Gypsy from Vista.

Good evening. My name is Kip Collins and I am an alcoholic

and she a Peach.

That's my darling.

My sobriety dates May 12th, 1984. My Home group is a Robbers Roost to men's meeting meets on Thursday nights at 6:30.

I want to thank Mike for asking me to come up here. I hate to come up to Los Angeles, but this is what you call willing to go to any lengths. You know, I live in the country and I like it that way.

My father is

Sioux and Irish and my mother's Irish and Cherokee, and

when my daddy drank, my momma liked to fight.

Basically, the way it was, just in a general way, you know, we'd be waiting for the old man to come home.

The later it got,

the more apprehensive it got, you know, And after a while you'd hear that truck coming up the road and you'd look out the window and

if you looked at all the neighbors houses, you'd see everybody turning off their lights and getting their lawn chairs and coming outside, you know, because they was getting ready to happen. There's a lot of action around my place, man. My, my mom and dad were passionate, you know, it was fire and ice all the time. I do not blame my alcoholism on my father. If anything in the world, my dad taught me, he's happy what alcohol will do to a man. He taught me what it'll do to a family, what it'll do to children, what it'll do to a marriage.

Can't put it on him, man. He was a prime example of what not to do. And I blame my alcoholism on the San Diego Unified School District.

That's good.

They had this great idea about 1964 that it was time to start educating the young people about drugs and that other stuff that we don't talk about in a A.

And so we went to this room and they showed us these movies and they had these people come up and talk and they told us what this stuff did to you. And when that was over with, my mouth was watering, you know, And I, I asked my buddy Balto. I said, hey, can you get any of this stuff? And he says, yeah. And he says, meet me after school tomorrow. So I met him after school. I said, you get it? He goes, yeah. I said, well, what do we do? He says, well, we got to stop and we got to rip off some wine. I said what for?

He said, well, I don't know, but my old man drinks cheap wine with this stuff and you know, I I knew about willing to go to any links in a long time ago.

So we went in this little market, you know, we each boosted a short dog, a sweet red port went down this Canyon,

and the magic began. You know, one of the first speakers I ever heard was a guy named Serenity Sam from Venice.

And he made a statement at a meeting that I knew it was OK for me to be here

because he talked about something that I knew exactly what he was talking about.

You know, I lived in a neighborhood.

It was, it was all Hispanic, first generation, hardly anybody spoke English. My family, my cousins are all very dark skinned. They have brown eyes, brown hair. I had very white skin, white hair, blue eyes. And we went outside. The Mexicans wanted to beat our ass. We went in the house. The Indian wanted to beat our ass, you know, And

I thought my name was Pinchy Widow and, you know, until I was about 12 years old, you know.

But but Serenity, Sammy says, you know, he says when I was born, he says I fell out of my mother's womb and I hit a cold concrete floor and I was crawling across hostile territory towards my grave. And then I discovered alcohol. And I knew what he was talking about because when I put that alcohol in that dope in my body, for the very first time in my life,

man, that's what was missing. Because everything had been just black and white and all of a sudden there was color in the world.

I've been feeling less than and scared to death of this world, absolutely terrified of this world. And that fear went away. All that stuff went away

and it was magic. And I knew about these first three steps, you know, I knew that I was powerless over this world and it scared me to death and I knew my life was unmanageable. It was absolute mess. 12 years old, I smoked this dope and drank this wine and I came to believe there was power greater than myself. And I immediately with no reservation, turned my will and life over to it.

And I never, ever looked back. You know, alcohol worked for me. It worked for me right from the gate. I didn't get sick and throw up. Man, I don't know. Alcohol did something to me that nothing in this world has ever done for me. It made me feel like a whole human being. My wife says my stories colorful. I don't know. You know, I, I was at a meeting with my sponsor very early and they had this lady up and she was talking. She was a real, real rich lady. And she was talking about she was having a bridge party

and she had too many martinis. And she knocked over her martini cart. And she was so humiliated, she turned herself into a A. And she everything had been wonderful ever since.

And I'm looking at her. And I looked at my sponsor, and he patted me on the shoulder. He says, Kip, it's all right. He says you don't have to lose everything in the world. You don't have to go to prison. You know, you don't have to get here with half your parts missing. But for some of us, it helped, you know, And, and that's my story. It took a lot of pain to beat me down,

you know? They I got kicked out of school in the very beginning of the 8th grade for hitting a teacher the second time I've done it and now the guy was a jerk. You know,

I'd probably still do the same thing today,

but my mom found my stash and she was pissed off. And in a moment of anger, she's told me to get the hell out of her house.

You know, I've been waiting for someone to tell me to leave for a long time. And when she said go, I was gone before she turned around and I was gone, man. And she gave me a ticket and I went over to Carlsbad. I was talking to a friend of mine. I'd never been anywhere. I'd never done anything. I was 14 years old and I

and my buddy says, hey, check this out. He says all these people, they're going up to San Francisco and on, all they do is listen to music and get high and Make Love, you know? And I like music. So, you know,

I went up to the Haight Ashbury District and I got there in 1964 and I learned a whole new way to live.

We were listening to Jefferson Airplane on the way up here, and I can remember when they were playing for free and Golden Gate Park, they had even cut a record yet. Most of you guys probably don't know who they are. You know,

some of you out there that do.

And my father had always told me that if I wanted stuff in this world, I got to work hard. I got to do this, I got to do that, you know, and I found out at a very early age, and it ain't nothing I'm proud of. I found out if I had the bag, I could have anybody or anything I wanted.

And that's the way I conducted my life for many, many, many years.

I'm all I would never did make a real good hippie. I'll fight at the drop of a hat, you know,

someone says something, I'm ready to get it on, you know, and I'm basically just a capitalist, you know, And I started seeing all types of opportunities and everybody wanted this. And

I went to Mexico and started an importing business and,

and at the age of 16 years old, I got caught with 200 kilos in Mexico.

And I was sentenced to about 25 years in prison at La Mesa Federal Penitentiary. And I'll tell you right here and right now, nice things don't happen to young white guys with long blonde hair and blue eyes.

And if anything in the world that should have talked me into saying, you know what, the way you're living, you ought to be changing it.

But you see,

I've always had money and I had money. I've always been a talker

and I ended up thank God Mexico is a civilized country. You know, you can, you can bribe people, you know, and,

and I found the right people to do things with, you know, and I got 5 grand to them and, and I made some connections inside that jail that lasted me for the next 20 years. It was actually one of the greatest moves I'd ever made, you know? But

I got out of there, you know, and I thought,

you know, maybe I ought to get it together. And then I got back across the border and I go now, you know, and,

and I went on, you know, I, I got busted again on my 18th birthday and I was charged with 27 felonies. And I was living with this young gal. And then she was pregnant and we were really excited about having this baby. And they came in and got me and I was gone. And I never got a letter from her and I never got a visit. And she never called. I never called. The phone was shut off and nobody called me. I never had a visit. And after I got done with that term, I got out and I went to go look for this, this lady

to my child,

and nobody would tell me where she was. I couldn't find her family wanted nothing to do with me, man. They told me her brother said they'd shoot me if I even came around again.

You know what? I went around for years with this big hole in my gut because of this child. You know, when I was a kid, what I wanted more than anything in this world, I wanted a family. I wanted to have children. I wanted to have a wife. I wanted to have the house and the little white picket fence. I didn't know how to do it. I wanted all that stuff I saw on television. You know, I wanted it real bad. I just didn't know how to do it.

I got out of there and I, I ran into this little girl and she was 15 years old, came from a wealthy family, and she bailed me out of jail three times in one week,

man, The last time she did it, she woke up a judge at 3:00 in the morning to make bail for me. And I, and I made a vow right there that I would never let this woman out of my sight again. You know, I don't know too much about love, but I sure know about jail. You know, there's not a lot of opportunities in there, and it's hard to make a buck.

And I got out there and I married that little girl. I mean, she was 15 years old, just as innocent as could be. And I took that gal for a ride, and her ears are still ringing.

She's a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd like to say today, you know,

you know, one day she came, said we got to go to the hospital and I said for what? And she goes, I'm going to have a baby. She had told mention that she was going to have a baby. She was pregnant a few months before that.

It didn't really dawn on me. I hadn't really thought about it, you know, And I've been real busy. And she said we're going to have the baby today. And, and we went to the hospital and they came out and they put this little boy in my arms.

And that was the most magic, second most magic moment of my life. And they put that little boy in my arms. And I looked at him and for the very first time in my life, I fell head over heels in love with another human being. I looked at him and I made promises of what kind of father I was going to be in the things that we were going to do. I promised to love him and protect him all the days of his life. And I meant it with every fiber in my being. In a couple years later we went to the hospital again and she gave me a little girl in my arms

and exactly the same thing happened. I felt head over heels in love with this little girl

and I promised her I protect her and I started planning her wedding that, you know, she was still in a still a wet when they gave her to me. And I'm I'm I'm, I'm the kind of alcoholic I can be sitting in an AA meeting and some pretty gal will walk in

before that meetings over. We've gotten married, had a couple of kids. She cheated on me. I hate,

you know, call her a bitch in the parking lot, You know, I

never met her. But things happen quick in here, you know,

sound like there's some other people like that in here.

Hey, it's free,

you know, now for the next 5 years, I was, I was an ideal father and I, I had a lot of money. I'd made a lot of money and I had a real nice place and, and all my time was spent with my kids. I played with my kids. You know, about every six months I go do a scam and then I come back and I play with my kids. And that's what I did.

And on September 6, 1976, something happened that day that that changed my life forever. I was watching my son. My son was completely deaf. He was born that way. And,

and you had to watch David all the time.

He couldn't let him out of your sight. Me and him were playing and, and I, and I got loaded and it was real hot that day and I was real thirsty and no one else was around. I didn't think about it. I just got on my bike and I went up to the street to go get a six pack. And I came back down And I, when I come back down the hill, the, the paramedics were at my house and the police and the Highway Patrol and the fire department and all the neighbors and I didn't figure out what was going on. And I waited down through that crowd and my my son had chased me out of the driveway

and he had been run over by a truck.

And I walked through that crowd and I saw my little boy and his head was split open and I could see his brains and, and bones were protruding all over his body. And a little piece of me died.

You know, I spent the next nine months in a hospital in intensive care with him, with him in a coma.

And every day the doctors would tell me to pray that he dies because he has so much brain damage. He'd be a vegetable.

It was at this time I started crying out to some God. I didn't know anything about God, but I started begging this God that I didn't know anything about to please give me my son back. I'll do anything in this world if you give me my son back now.

My son lived, but he never mentally got beyond the age of about four years old

and he couldn't hear and he couldn't talk. And he had a lot of, lot of psychological problems and a lot of physical problems throughout the rest of his life. You know, at the same time this was going on, I have a brother Bill, and everything that I've told you that I've done, and I can tell you that my brother Bill was right there with me. He was, he was like my shadow. He was a best friend I've ever had. We were only 11 months apart and we backed each other's play, right or wrong, under any circumstances,

under against any odds, no matter where we were. And we did everything we did. We did it together. We were a team and my brother came down with a disease called schizophrenia

and my family had him committed to a hospital and they called me. He called me from that hospital after he had been there for a while. And he says, hey, Get Me Out of here, man. I said, are you OK? Says, yeah, they're giving me this medicine now and I'm all right. I said, all right, brother. And I, I called my mom and and I talked to him to let me have conservatorship. I got a lawyer. I got got him out of that hospital and I I bought a mobile home and put it on a piece of property next to mine.

And me and my brother continued doing what we were doing. And

my brother started getting sick. He started getting sicker and sicker and all of us. I had to go to to the Midwest to do a little thing. And I told my brother, I said, hey, I got to go. And he said don't go, man. I said, what are you talking about? I got to go. He said something's wrong. He says I'm coming apart. And I said I got to go. You know, I got to go and he's begging me. I got to pull his arms off of me. And I, you know, and I threw a handful of money in his hand and I said, look, I'll be back in three days. Me and you'll take care of this.

It's always been me and you, and it always will be, man.

Just hang tight. I'll be back in three days. And I got back to Oklahoma City and the scam I was doing, which sideways and I ended up, I was gone for three weeks. When I came back looking for my brother, I walked in that place and nobody had seen him. And I went up to that mobile home and I opened the door and my brother's head rolled out. And the third day I left you taking that money and bought a gun and blown his head off. And there was just a big pile of maggots laying in that doorway. And another big piece of me died, you know,

two people I love the most in this world that I've taken responsibility for.

I blew it And, and I, I just destroyed both of them. And I

and something broke inside of me that day. There was never, ever to be repaired until I completely surrender to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The only reason I tell you this story is to drive a point home in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It states very clearly that there are those among us got here with grave emotional and mental disorders. And I'm one of those people. I'm one of those people, and I'll tell you this from my heart to yours, that I thank God alcohol does for me what it does for me. If alcohol didn't do for me what it does for me, I would not be your speaker here tonight. I would have joined my brother

because the pain, the guilt in those pictures in my mind were so vivid, but alcohol took it away.

Alcohol took all those feelings of guilt away. It took those images out of my head, put a smile on my lips and a song in my heart and I could just walk through anything in this world as long as I had a little liquor in me.

They talk a lot about bottoms and they I don't know anything about it. You know, I've been in this field for a long time and I see a lot of people hit bottom. Usually we bury them the next day. You know, I have my ex mother-in-law. She hit a bottom. She spent the last 11 years of her life in a hospital with Karakov syndrome, and that's a wet brain. She didn't know who she was. She never got any worse, so she hit bottom. I had a young man had 90 days and got mad at his wife not too long ago and locked himself in a van and he drank a quart of vodka straight down and he died. He hit bottom. You're never going to get,

but it's been my experience, as long as you can think and have anything at all, any thought press process at all going on between your ears, it never stops getting bottom.

Anytime you think this is it. I guarantee you will find a basement. The one of the most wonderful thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is like my wife told you, you can pick a bottom, You can pick one. You don't have to go no farther. It's not necessary anymore.

You know, I got my wife made a career move at about that time. My son was in a special hospital and she left my Coke connection, which was a real good move. He had a lot more going on than I did. And it was just me and my little girl there. My girl, my little daughter. She was just terrified because she'd had this ideal life. We had this beautiful home she'd had that her brother she adored. She had her uncle, she adored her mom and her dad, you know, and everyone was gone or dead.

And her father was absolutely insane and he couldn't stop drinking. She was scared to death

and this guy came over to my house and he brought this bottle of stuff called Mad Dog 2020.

They have that up here.

Stuff's never seen a grape man, I'll tell you.

But I drank that stuff and I

and this lady said sure, you have to get off the airplane. And I went, what? I sit in my living room. The last thing I remembered, you know, and I opened my eyes and I'm on this big wide body jet, you know, and it's empty and just me and my little girl sitting there. I said, where am I? She goes, you're in Fort Lauderdale. I said, I hate Fort Lauderdale. She goes, I don't know anything about that. You got to get off the plane. And

so we're getting off the plane and I'm trying to be real cool, trying to get my daughter. Maybe she knows what's going on

and I get what any of you guys would have done. You know, I got off the plane, I went to a payphone, I called a cab, cab came, I got on. I said I need to go to a hotel and stop at a liquor store on the way 'cause I need to figure out what's happened here.

And I come true in this, in this room and I'm

completely tied down. You know, I feel like someone's beat me with clubs. Found out later they had and I don't know where my daughter is. I don't have any recollection of what's happened. And I find out later that I met this couple at this hotel. We started drinking and I went absolutely nuts, you know, and they were going to lock me up, but they said the guys just nuts. And they popped me in a nut house

and I got out of there and this family had taken my daughter, thank God. And I and I said, come on baby, we got to get out of Florida. That I told you this place is bad luck.

Yeah,

and I'll tell you that for the next three years, it never got any better than that. Everywhere we went, that's the same story. I mean, there's 1000 stories just like that one. It never got any different. But every place I went to, I promised her it was going to be different. I promised her I said, baby, I love you. We're going to get it together. We're going to get you in school. We're going to get a house,

I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to protect you.

And I meant it. I meant it with everything I had.

And the blast place was back in Oklahoma, you know, and I come walking in that house, we finally got a tiny little house and I got her enrolled at school for the first time in two years. And

and I came home and I was drunk and I got in a fight with a guy and I got blood all over my clothes and it wasn't mine. And I told her, I said we got to get out of here.

She was seven years old. She just looked at me and she looked at me with this look I'll never forget.

She just picked up her doll and her pillow. And she went and stood by the door and I changed clothes and we got on a cab and we went to the bus station and I got me a bottle of wine and drank it and got on that bus. And I passed out. And I come to in Gallup, NM. And I woke up sicker than a dog. And my I opened my eyes and my little girl was sitting there and she was rocking back and forth and she was crying. And I said, what's the matter? She said, Daddy, I'm so hungry, you haven't fed me yet. And I said, OK, baby, as soon as we stop, I'll get you something to eat.

We pulled in a gallop and I got off that bus and I went and got me a bottle of wine. And I went and bought her a little sandwich. And I got up to go pay for it. And I stuck my hand in my pocket and I only had enough money for one thing or the other, and I had to put her sandwich back.

And I've done a lot of things in this world that I don't share from the podium,

but I've never done anything in my life that haunted me more than that moment.

And again, thank God that alcohol works. You know,

we got back to California. I went over to my mom's house and thank God for my mom.

She took my daughter and told me to hit the bricks, you know, and she took my little girl. And for the next 3, three years, I, I was a whiner. I lived in the bushes. I lived on the side of the road. I panhandled for wine.

I drank until you locked me up, until I hurt myself. I was in a hospital. So I did something stupid and you put me in the nut house and the minute you released me, I started drinking again because alcohol worked. I could not live without alcohol. There's no way in the world

I can live without alcohol. And I've been to these A and a meetings, you know, a lot of different institutions and jails I've been in the hospital institutional committee would come in and they would start talking this stuff and, and I would very patiently try to explain to them that I wasn't an alcoholic, I was a drug addict. I just couldn't afford any drugs right now, you know, and I,

and they said, well, if you ever find yourself drinking when you don't want to drink, come back, come into Alcoholics Anonymous and we'll welcome you with open arms. And I, you know, I just kind of filed that away, you know, a little ace, just, you know, someone will take me in, okay, You know, and I was in front of the 711 Panhandle for wine. I was sicker than a dog, scared to death. I was going to go into convulsion. I hear a lot of people talk about fear and meetings. I'll tell you my idea of fear.

Fear is you stand in front of a 711, you're physically addicted to alcohol.

I don't know if any of you know what that means, but when you're physically addicted to alcohol, you can't stop drinking. And when you stop drinking, you're going to go into convulsions, you're going to go into D TS, you're probably going to go into a grand Mal seizure. And what's going to happen? The ambulance is going to come, they're going to put you in there. They're going to take you to a place and detox you and you can't drink when they do that and you have to come back out and you have to start the process all over again. And the thought of doing that is just a lot of work, you know, and,

and I'm getting ready. I'm getting ready to go. It's getting, it's like 5:45 in the morning. They're going to open up the cooler at 6:00.

I got $0.65 in my hand,

wine cost $0.87, and no one's given up another penny. And I'm scared to death, man. I'm starting to shake real bad all of a sudden. That's about hit. Hit 6:00 and this guy pulled up and it was like he said, hey, Kip, how are you? And I, I looked at him and it was a guy that I'd known was when I was a kid, I couldn't stand people like him. He came from a nice family, you know, he always had nice clothes. He got good grades. Everybody liked him. He lived in the good part of town,

you know, and he just looked at me and he smiled and he gave me $2.00 first thing in the morning. And man, I don't know if there's any winos out here, but you believe in God after that,

you know, I mean, $2.00 is a whole quart of wine and that's going to keep me well to about 3 o'clock, you know. And I got a little change leftover and I went in there and I got me 1/4 tiny port. And I'm walking out of there, shuffling out. I look in that window and I see this family looking at me in their car and I know they're judging me. You know, he's got this square little wife and his square little kids and he's wearing this square suit and his short hair and clean shaven and a square 4 door sedan. And I couldn't imagine living like that, but.

I just shuffled off to my my Bush and

and the weirdest thing happened because I opened that bottle and I go to La Porta. You know that doorway. Here we go.

And I had this thought that maybe I ought to go to A and a.

Now where the hell did that come from?

I found out me and that guy got to be real good friends later on. And I'm not here to talk about religion. I don't believe it has any business in Alcoholics Anonymous. But that was a real good Christian family and is that drunk shuffled off they got out of their car and they prayed for that poor drunk to God to intervene in his life

about the time they're praying for me. I had this thought maybe I ought to be going to A and a you know, and I and I got into this meeting. I don't know how this is a told to me, most of it's hearsay, this, rest of this,

but I do remember this. I got to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that night and I walked in, came in the back door, and I looked at all these people and they were all clean cut and smiling and laughing.

And I looked around and I sat down next to this young gal and she scooted all the way across the room.

You know, my hair came down to about here, and my beard came down past my belt. I've been living in these clothes for almost three years and a lot of things lived on me besides me, and

I shut down and people are kind of looking around and I'm looking at them and they're looking at me and I'm going. I wonder if they have a room for the more severe cases,

You know, don't look like drunks to me. And and then I started listening and they were talking about God. And I'm like, Sabrina, and that's the last thing I want to hear about God. And then I saw you pass a basket and I knew you were going to start singing any minute. You know, I'm getting ready to get my hat. I'm getting the hell out of here, man. And all of a sudden

this little gal, she'd been looking at me since I walked in the room and she kept trying to smile at me. Every time she catch my eyes, she's smiling at me. And I thought she was one of them wet brained drunk women you hear about and she's kind of nuts. And I got ready to leave and I started to stand up and she shot to her feet. And this is what she said

said I walked in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous 27 years ago. She goes, I came in the back door. I stacked my head and I looked and I looked at all you ladies and you guys were ladies. And I looked at you men, and you were all clean cut.

And she goes. I turned around to leave because I knew once you saw what I was that you would turn your back on me. She goes. I've been a prostitute since I was 14 years old. I've done everything a woman ever had to do out on the streets to survive.

And I just couldn't stop drinking. And they told me you could help. And I looked at these people and I knew it wouldn't work for me. But I turned to leave and someone grabbed me by the arm and brought me into the room and got me a cup of coffee. And they told me this. I said, please don't go nowhere, we need you. She proceeded to talk about the next 27 years of her sobriety. She talked about the 12 steps. She talked about her sponsor. She talked about the traditions. She talked about her Home group. She talked about her commitments and Alcoholics Anonymous. She shared some of the joys and some of the sorrows she'd walked through.

And she walked up in front of all those people. They didn't want nothing to do with me. And she put her arms around me and she kissed me right on the mouth. The bravest woman I've ever known in my life, you know? And she said this to me. She says, honey, she says, don't go nowhere, baby, we need you desperately. Now. I have never shed a tear in my life. You can't beat one out of me. But something started happening, that gal, she wouldn't let go of me. She just kept holding on

and all of a sudden this thing started right in my gut and it was just a sob and I started crying

and I was embarrassed and I couldn't stop. Nobody had ever done that to me before. Nobody had ever told me they needed me desperately except someone that was sick and needed some dope, you know? But she needed me. She didn't even know me. And I fell in love with what this woman had. And I said I'm going to go to this A and A. And I started coming here and right off the bat, every one of you lied to me, you know, because you told me that if I quit drinking alcohol, my life would get better.

I have no idea what alcohol does for you people, you know?

Well, alcohol is not my problem. Never has been my problem. It never will be my problem. I have an acute allergic reaction to sobriety, you know,

You know, about 3 days, everything's so damn real. You know, all those feelings and all this stuff and all those other stuff starts coming up. I start remembering that guilt starts and I can't sleep. You know, I can't fall asleep. I haven't slept without alcohol in many, many years. And I stay sober for as long as I possibly, you know, you told me to get a sponsor.

I said, what's the sponsor? They explained to it. I said, I've been on parole half my life. I'm not about to volunteer one of these locks, You know,

they've looked at those steps. And I, I said, what's this? And he pointed out, I said, I'm not powerless, just having a bad break here, you know, And

you know, I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 12 years old on and off. So what are they going to restore me to? I've never been really considered sane, you know, saw that God stuff, drove right by that. Didn't want nothing to do with that one. You know, that I saw that four step. I said, what the hell is that?

Well, you got to sit down. You got to make a list of everything you've ever done, and you got to admit it to another human being. I fell out of my chair laughing.

I come from the streets and I learned a long time ago, man, you don't cop to nothing, even if they got pictures, you know. Deny everything, demand a jury trial, hope for the best, you know, whatever. Share a weakness with another human being, they'll use it against you. Only thing you tell people is what they want to hear so you can get your hand in their pocket, you know,

and that stuff was Dyson. Whoa, you know, I listen to you people, Cher. I'd be so embarrassed. And then I saw that other one that says, I said, what's that? He goes, well, you got to anyone you've wronged. You got to make it right.

Yeah,

I thought of some people, you know, and I went, Gee, I'm sober now. I'm sorry that I kick your door and stole 10 kilos of cocaine and beat you and your wife up.

That might be fine for you. People who live in the suburbs, this shit. But you know,

I started thinking I'm like, man, you people are out of your mind. I,

I wanted, I wanted what you had so desperately that if it would have been a tangible thing, I would have knocked one of you in the head and taken it. You know? I know how to get shit that way.

And I kept coming here and I kept coming here and I came to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous for six years straight, non-stop. I came drunk or sober. I have passed out in meetings. I've thrown up in your meetings. I've pissed on your floors. I've stolen your money.

I was doing active 12 step work long before I got sober. Man,

I can't through Christmas morning 1983, butt naked,

handcuffed in the rubber room. My face is stuck to that mat with the blood because the cops have beat me so bad they broke both my cheekbones.

And I'm ripping my face off this floor. And I look up in the window and I see these cops looking down at me, laughing, you know? And you just know Santa Claus ain't coming, you know?

But you know you got your money's worth.

And they let me out of there. Man, those people knew me so well, you know, they just said we'll see you later, Kip, Merry Christmas, you know, and,

and I shuffled off and I ain't gonna come back to this A and a I'm that person. Chapter five man, people like me don't get sober. That might be OK for those people, but not people like me, You know, they keep telling me to do things like get an idea in my real name. They keep telling me to do things like get a job, you know, and all this other stuff that has nothing to do with my problem, you know, and no one wants to hear about my problem. They keep wanting to tell me. Just keep coming back. Just go to meetings. Just go to meetings, get involved in service, get a sponsor, do the steps.

And it didn't work for me. Of course, I didn't want to do any of that stuff. I like to go to speaker meetings, you know, I like to get to speaker meetings, sit in the back and learn the lingo, you know, easy does it one day at a time, you know,

have a nice day, how you feel. Oh, great. You know,

everything's just wonderful, you know, isn't sobriety wonderful? You know, And I sit with you people as long as I could until it'd be midnight and then it would be me

because you wouldn't be here and I'd go absolutely stark raving sober. If there's anyone in this room tonight that thinks you're going to be able to stay sober on other people's sobriety, you can do that for a little while,

but not for long.

I made a conscious decision that morning that I wasn't going back to I'll probably synonymous. I'm going to go do what I do. I drink. That's what I do. I'm going to drink till I die. I ain't afraid of dying.

I should have died years ago.

And I went and I'd been working a little bit. I had a little place to live, and I got as much liquor as I could possibly possibly carry. And I walked inside my little place and I started drinking and I started drinking and I drank and I drank. And on January 6th, I hit a spot that was the absolute most terrifying, the loneliest, the most terrifying moment of my life.