Recovery On The Rock in Hamilton, Bermuda

For all of us to come and hang out with you. I spent my Thanksgiving with you and I just had an absolutely amazing time. Let me see

what time is what and what I'm doing. I can't really see without my glasses anyway. So, you know, I just want to thank the committee. Thanks to Bobby for the original invitation. I the minute you said Bermuda, well, I thought I've got to lose weight, fit into a bikini and I did not want to be observant. Of course, you know what I mean, but I did not know it might be a little nippy. So we we've done a lot of things, but not worn the bikini and to the other birthday person right for 21 years,

Barbara, shout out and

and to my friend Sheila. Sheila I met when I spoke in England several years ago and I've been to England a couple of times and I actually a few times, but I saw Sheila both of those and then she moved to Bermuda. So I was really looking forward to this. I just wanted, you know, say that I love Alcoholics Anonymous, like I love Alcoholics Anonymous and I would do anything for alcoholic phenomenon. The fact that I'm not in an alley, right? Because I'm super clear that if I'm drinking,

I'm not in this dress, I'm not in these heels, and my hair is not combed.

I'm in an alley somewhere and I have been there with strangers. Like that's the reality of my drinking. And the deal is because I'm sober several days in a row, it's very easy for me to put on a tire and give you a story other than my story, right? But the reason that I've been asked to share and to share honestly, is it's important for me to remember exactly what brought me into Alcoholics Anonymous. So I want to welcome our new friends. You know what?

Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. You've been given the keys of the Kingdom. But I want to tell you this. This is not a program of whether or not I feel like it. This is a program of action. I don't feel like doing a lot of things, but at the end of the day, I don't feel like dying drunk. Amen.

This is an I mean, how is it that we've been able to come together? I know that a lot of the people that I've spoken to over this weekend have shared that you guys are normally at another hotel and that hotel is going through renovation and that tonight you're typically really super dressed up. But the the deal is I mean one, everyone looks absolutely stunning and you're so attractive because there's so much love here. You know, we have a new friend, Joe, and

Joe is with us just today, right? And so what's interesting is watching his eyes as we're talking to each other and as we're smiling with each other. And when the countdown was going on and in between the numbers, we would say he's coming back. Joe's like, OK. I'm like, oh, look at Little Joe, you know?

But that's beautiful because that's what it's about. It's like when you just get here, you have no idea what Alcoholics Anonymous is. And I want to thank the people that came up to me. The deal is I do this a lot. I get to go a lot of places and Alcoholics Anonymous

and it's an absolute privilege. But I don't know people. I mean, I knew Sheila, I know Adam, you know,

but I didn't know anyone here. And so there were a lot. Malicia came up to me. You know what I mean, Kelly? People came up to me and said hello. That's important. It is intimidating to go anywhere. I don't know if you're gonna resonate with my story, right? I don't know if you're gonna like me or not. And so how wonderful it is when we just make people feel welcomed in Alcoholics Anonymous. And so, you know, if you're new, get into the center. Get into the center of Alcoholics Anonymous because the view is different.

The view is very different from the center than it is when you're on the fringes. People who are on the fringes are bitter.

They have no idea what Alcoholics Anonymous is about. They don't like bean deer. If you ask them to do anything, it's an imposition, right? What do you mean? You want me to go go 10 miles out of my way to pick up so and so who? I don't know and don't really like to a meeting. But when you're in the middle, you're like, OK, I'm gonna go pick her up. If I pick so and so up and then we're gonna go buy NASA. And since we have a commitment, you know what I mean? Like, there's a whole other energy that's going on. So I just invited to get into the center of Alcoholics Anonymous. Seriously, it'll save your life.

I'm going to share just some stats with you because they're important, right? And they may only be important to me, but I'm chatting so I'm going to share with you.

So the 1st is my sobriety date, right? August 16th, 1995. That's my date. That date means absolutely everything to me. And that means over the years that I've been here, a lot of things have had to change in order for my date to remain the same.

When I got sober, I was £96 because when I, I drank, I enhanced my drinking with things that kept me up for 8-9 days at a time. And you know, I during that period I would eat a Snickers bar every three or four days, more like an energy bar. And when I got sober, I didn't have a strand appear on my head because when I drink and I enhance my drinking, I believe that things join me

live in my hair. And so I remember getting drunk and telling my friend, I'm like, you know, there's something in my hair. And she was visibly alarmed. And she leaned back, and she said, how do you know? And I said, because they just ran from this side to that side. And so she didn't give me a direction, per SE. And she gave me some information that I embraced. She said, you know, rubbing alcohol will sterilize anything. So even though she didn't tell me, I knew what was implied, right? And so before I took action, I was inspired to have dialogue.

So I shut everybody down. And I told them I said, look, look, I know you're up there and you can stay up there, but I'm gonna sterilize. And So what I would do is I would get the rubbing alcohol. I would pour it all over my hair. It was very soothing. It was as if I were running on a beach, only not, you know what I mean? And then after a while, they became immune to it, and they began to get aggressive. So I had to get aggressive. I took a pair of scissors. I cut off all of my hair. Right. But because half measures avail

nothing, I took a pair of I took a shaver and shaved it onto the scalp. And so it was just I would wear AT shirt on my head as if they were fashionable turbans, making my own statement. And when I got here, I was missing my front tooth. And I'll show you what happened. I expressed an opinion and it wasn't supported. That's what happened,

but it never stopped me from talking. I just talked like that. And so. So here's the thing. You know what I mean? I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking oh, oh, bald headed, toothless. Oh, that's sexy. Oh, I know you're thinking that.

Wait, wait, wait. Here's The funny thing. They're like, no, we're not thinking that.

The funny thing is this, when you come into alcoholic synonymous in that condition, the beauty is that you are then in much less dangerous being 13 steps right?

Because nobody wanted what I had, you know what I mean?

Except one.

There's always one, right? You don't work with a sister. Yeah,

you want to be the one that says I know when she didn't have a tooth, you know, that type of thing. And I and so and so here's the thing. I didn't cut off my hair and get sober. I didn't lose my tooth and get sober. I didn't shrink to an anorexic 96 lbs 'cause I don't think that sexy and gets over. I stayed out there. When I'm drinking, alcohol is everything to me.

It's absolutely everything. And when I'm in a relationship with alcohol, I'm committed. We are going to the very end with this, no matter how that looks, no matter what goes down. And if anyone tries to kill me, something negative about alcohol, right? You know when you're in a relationship and someone tells you something about your partner which is true, but you don't want to hear it and so your partner stays, right? Because of course we love misery, but they have to go. And so anyone that would tell me anything about alcohol would have to go.

I loved alcohol, but the deal is this. Alcohol is like,

it's like that popular person on campus that everyone wants to hang out with that every girl wants to to date or every guy wants to be with, right? That's what alcohol is. But alcohol is mean spirited. So it's the person that's making fun of everyone behind their back and you're devoted to the friendship, but it's not honoring you. Alcohol is like 64 people have all dated this one person and each one of them when they get out of the relationship, they're battered, right? They've been deceived. They've been

honor all 64, but when it comes to you number 65, what you say is, you know what, my case is different. They didn't understand it.

I will be the one to succeed where others fail, right? And so the disease of alcoholism centers and arrogance. It centers in justification. It centers in rationalization.

I have to believe that my case is different. I understand that you're telling me anyone who lives like this typically did this result, but I'm going to tell you that I'm not that person. I'm going to tell you that I'm going to modify and I'm going to tweak it just a little bit and we're going to be OK. My sponsor is Clancy. He's sober 56 years. He just celebrated and I came to him at 9 years sober. I came to him on the heels of a breakup. I've always had strong sponsorship and I'll tell you the relationship that I had gone through was my first love. I've never been in love before. I've been in many relationships.

If someone was in love, it just was not Candace and

and so, you know, now I'm sober, we're going to try to committed thing. And so I, I just remember

that I wanted this relationship to last. Do you know what I mean? I've never been in love before. And it was absolutely everything. It was verbally and physically abusive. I participated equally in both. You did not teach me to live like that in Alcoholics phenomenon. But my sponsor at the time, who has since passed, was suffering from a rare lung disease. And she would be in and out of the hospital. And she saw me changing this relationship, right? She saw me justify every action I took to stay in something that did not honor the woman I was working to become.

And she would talk to me and she would say, Candace, she had to leave this relationship. Candace, you are living drunk, but cock and sober

she would say you have to leave and I would tell her no, I can't leave because this is my soul mate. And

and the heartbreaking fact is I was six years sober when I got into that relationship. And so how unfortunate that at six years, having come into Alcoholics Anonymous, having gone through all 12 steps, all 12 traditions, at six years of sobriety, love still hurt. My perception of love still involves dishonor, Ryan paranoia, disrespect. And I remember she became insistent Candace, you have to leave. And you know what I thought? I know I can tell you, but I know you won't judge me. Frank, she

when she would tell me this, I thought she was jealous. So I know there's an idea, of course. Yeah. So at that time she was 29 years sober. Her husband was 29 years sober. He had been married. They had been married for 39 years. And they had known each other seven years before that. So in their relationship, they had gone to the gutter, to the gutter together. They had children. They had dragged their children through the gutter. But at the direct result of the principles of alcoholic synonymous in our

they had healed their relationship. They had the type of relationship that did not require them to post their relationship status on Facebook, right?

I'm just sharing,

but you know what my favorite status is? It's complicated. Don't you love that? Let me tell you what that means. It means you're lying. You know what I mean? You either in it or you're not. There's nothing complicated about it. So anyway, so I remember, I remember being two years sober. My current Home group is a Pacific group. My first Home group for the 1st 10 years was the Bellflower Bigfoot group. 2 very disciplined, very active groups of Alcoholic Anonymous. I was two years sober and Laurie and Bob were on the dance floor. We were having a New Year's dance and I

'cause you know, when you have a phone, you just watch everything your sponsor does, like everything they say and how they move, you move like that, You know what I mean? And, and I remember her and Bob were on the floor and they were dancing and she was gazing up at him. She was gazing up at this man like a starry eyed teenager and he was looking down on her with the utmost tenderness. That's what love is.

Love inspires. Love renews love support. Love reinforces. Love expands. Love uplift. Love does not diminish.

And so when this woman who had previously given me nothing but solid direction told me something that I didn't like, I can't accept it now. I have to believe that you're jealous.

And so I have to make a decision. My decision was to not go to her anymore because she was tripping, right? And so so I went to the source itself, Spirit. Spirit, give me a sign. Should I stand the relationship? The police gave not that dime, right?

And So what? So now that the relationship had just gone down the drain, it was in the toilet, right? I did what I know any of you would do. We got engaged.

So here's the other funny part. All the people in sick relationship were like, yeah, see, you know. And so, yeah, no, it did not work. And so we were engaged for six days, but they were long days, like a dog years. And and then when it was over, I was just in pain. I mean, like it hurt to breathe. I was not prepared for that type of pain. I had never experienced that type of pain

really.

You know, Alcoholics Anonymous, I came to you, I was broken. I started healing, I started to get respect in my life and I sponsored a lot of women. And all of a sudden, I never acknowledged that I didn't think I was the type of woman that was worthy of being married. I didn't know that I had done inventories, but that's something that's buried so deep in your core, in your womb that you don't know it until you have this experience. So what was revealed to me through inventory, right? Because when you go through this, you have to go through the work again.

What was what was revealed to me is that in the area of relationships, although I had come to you and I had killed in some areas, I was still broken in this one. I was still living from old ideas. I didn't understand that I was enough. I didn't understand that I didn't understand my homework. And so it explained why I would participate in something that absolutely did not honor me. I remember when we broke up, I was angry at my sponsor because she was right. I needed her to be wrong. I was angry at Spirit because my

at that time was more like a bulleted list of demands that I figured truly slid over and said your will that might be done. And so the fact that it hadn't worked out, I had no idea what to do with that information. And I remember just thinking, I'm never going to love again. Ever. Never, ever never.

But they miraculously 6 days later

I was in another relationship and you know what I say? Let the healing begin. And

so this relationship,

verbally and physically abusive, the police back at my house, I lost all the women I sponsored. And that's painful. It's painful because at that time, I'm eight years sober. I've had these girls, right? For like 7 years, seven years and one month. I mean, we had a sober, solid family. I had been in their wedding, bridal showers, baby showers, house warming party. And so all of a sudden, I've lost my entire family. I've lost the love of my life when I had to take that ring off my finger and walk away from that relationship.

Even though it was hurting me, it's not what I wanted to do.

And so now I'm in this other relationship. And, you know, I love the Facebook of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love the Big Book because it's like my diary. The Big Book is like a reality show in France. You know what I mean? It's got drama, intrigue, betrayal, redemption. I mean, it's got all of it. If you've ever read Bill's story, Bill will suck you in. He'll say for three or four months. The goose hung high. You're like, go, middle, go.

And then he says. But that frightful day came when I drank once more. You're like, no, Bill, no.

And so and so here's what's going on.

I'm in it. I'm an untreated alcoholism right now. My sponsor is dying. She is everything to me. I'm not going to take all this stuff to someone else. We've established a relationship. I don't trust anyone, right? I am now the alpha and the Omega. I'm not turning my will in my life over to anyone other than my ego.

I am in pain. My heart is broken. I jumped into this other relationship in one small detail. When I jumped into the second relationship, they were already in one.

Oh, that's tricky. I hate that overlap. Yeah, it gets dicey. So, you know,

so when I was in this relationship, you know, the, the last year of my relationship, this person would ask me to have an affair repeatedly. I want you to have an affair with me. And I would say, no, I will not have an affair with you because I am

fairly monogamous, you know what I mean? And so now that my relationship was over, the fact that they were still in one with Morgan outside issue, you know, and, and so I remember one night lying in bed and I'm, I'm, I'm in torture. I'm in torture. It talks about it in the doctor's opinion, right? Alcoholic torture. I can't be with it and I can't be without it. I have to have it but it's killing me

and so I look over and I ask if I drink, will you leave? They say no. I asked if I drink will you drink with me and they said yes.

There is nothing they wouldn't have done to keep me in a relationship.

You understand that's an illusion because once I drink, I'm, I'm getting it. I got things to do. I got to make it happen. And how unfortunate that they were willing to forfeit their life for a relationship because my sobriety is my life. The reason my day has never changed. And I define my sobriety as free from anything that affects me from the neck up. That means I don't smoke medical marijuana right from a glaucoma. You know what I mean? I don't, I don't drink near beer because I'm not near sober,

right? And I stabilized my mood with these steps. And so the reason that my date has never changed is because there was nothing in the house. It was a sober household. The next morning I got ahold of my sponsor, Gloria. And I told her what had happened. And she said, Candace, you don't have the right to jeopardize anyone else's sobriety. Stop quoting the book and start living by the principles.

And so I asked, well, what do I do? And you know, sponsors are very intense, like get away from them, you know, just like over at the top. And so I am in that relationship. They drink a couple of weeks later. That was 10 years ago. They're still drinking. And I share that with you because

while I'm not responsible for something like I can't get you sober, so I for certain can't get you drunk, but I'm clear as to my participation in that equation. I don't live like that. I haven't lived like that for a long time. But that was not my last relationship. It was another one. You know what it means? I like to do it in threes. And so I by the time I came to Clancy, I felt dirty. I was nine years sober and I felt unclean.

As a woman, I felt so wrong. I didn't want you to touch me and I didn't want to touch you.

I came to him and my life is on the line. And I'm going to tell you something. My sponsor did not like me when I came to him. And he never said it, but there's just a way that people behave that let you know, right? And so one night I had given a talk at a meeting, and the next night I was at my Home group. And so one of the people at that meeting was at my Home group. He didn't know that I was standing there talking to my father. He comes up and he's like, oh, your talk last night, then realizes that my sponsor is right there. And he's like, oh, so he does what he thinks anyone would do. He's going to tell my father that

I did good. So he starts saying all this stuff and can't just keep it talking, blah blah blah. And so my sponsor, he stopped. My sponsor looks at him,

looks at me, looks at him, looks at me and says

and walked away. And he did that because he understood that how I'm talking and how I was living were not the same thing. I need a sponsor that knows what's going on behind the scenes. It's not how I'm talking, it's how I'm living. It's not what I'm going to tell you tonight. It's what I'm not going to tell you tonight that may get me drunk. I have to have someone. I believe if you have a sponsor, you can't tell everything to get another sponsor. This is not about someone like my sponsor and I are very close today. I deal with him for 10 years, but my sponsor is not my

I didn't come to him for that. And I think we get too caught up into who likes us and who doesn't like us. I'm not here for that, you understand? My babies understand. I love the women I sponsor. We're very close. We do a lot of things as a sober family, but I'm not their pal. I'm their sponsor. You come to me for knowledge of all 12 steps. It's my experience that until I take all 12 steps, I am a newcomer. So we go through the steps as outlined in the book. There are no worksheets because this is not a recovery home,

right? We go through it out of the book because we are trying to save our lives. My sponsor cared enough about me to tell me the truth despite my feelings and a lot of things he said I did not like at all. You know what I mean? And so. So in any event, I don't live like that today. I when I was little, my grandmother raised me. She loves me, I loved her, I loved everything about her. I felt like this song was put into the sky for her,

right? There's just always one person that's in your corner, and she was in my corner. She was everything to me. When I was little, I was terrified in the dark. At night, I slept next to her and I would watch her as she slept. I would taste my breathing to match hers. She would inhale, I would inhale, she would exhale, I would exhale because if she died, I wanted to die with her. That is the death of love I had for my grandmother. My mother is an alcoholic. She's an alcoholic by her own admission. She was very young when she had me.

She was not done doing what she needed to do. I didn't understand it then, but I understand it today. My mother is very well and down

and true story and she believes in packing her crystal in her bosom because she quirky like that, but in in fairness to her, I have noticed. Tell me if you agree that many big booth women pack a lot of things in their lives. Have you noticed that? Like if you're talking to them, I know you're seeing it and you'll be like I'm hungry, like you're hungry, You know what I mean? And so anyway,

I just carry very nice purses. And so,

so my mom would get her drunk off, call my grandmother up on the phone, make some incessant demand. I always knew who was on the other line, 'cause my grandmother would start gripping the phone and that little thing would pop out right in the center of her forehead. And my mother would say something crazy and she would look at the phone and say absolutely not. Here we go, the phone. A short while later, my mother would pop over and shoot out all of the windows.

Let us be clear, I didn't want what she had, right?

There are other codes and uncles in my family who also suffer from the disease of alcoholism, but that's not why I'm an alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic because of how they drink and what happens to them when they drink. I'm an alcoholic because of what happens to me when I drink. When I take a drink of alcohol, I don't know where I'm going to end up, but I can assure you there will be movement.

The disease of alcoholism in my family manifested through a lot of violence, right? So a lot of the members favorite shooting. I favor stabbing tomato, tomato, tomato. And so if we all got together at some point, the police were going to be present.

So I'll just give you a holiday at my mom's house. My mother's a big gal, big bone gal, and she cooks some scratch. I don't. I'll tell you why 'cause I think it's overrated, That's why. And so, so my mom,

you know, if my mother's cooking, I gotta go. But it's like going to any lakes, right? So if you've ever been raised in an alcoholic home or a troubled environment, you have to develop signs as to when it's time to vacate. So in our family, there will be the music that was playing.

I would go over her house. My mother's getting her drunk on anything I say. Please preface it by then. So it was OK because when I would go over, the music would be upbeat. She would be listening to the Spinners and the whispers, you know what I mean? And so it's all good. As the day went on, I could smell the aroma walking throughout the house. Now she's listening to Diana Ross and the Supreme. We're good. I mean, who doesn't like Diana? You know what I mean?

As as the days progresses into early Dust, she's still drinking. Now she's getting a little melancholy.

Now we're arriving at the Sam Cooke juncture. Oh, oh, at Sam Cook. Get the plate and the foil right 'cause you gotta make a move any minute now by the time Nightfall hits

Billie Holiday. Run, run. You know what I mean?

For, for, for our younger friends. Billie Holiday is a Blues singer, you know what I mean? Maybe the left, you want to switch, you know, that kind of thing. And So what would happen? She's been drinking all day. She's had a metamorphosis. She's gone into the dark place, you know, and she's not thinking about successes and how she overcame something. She's thinking about who left when she thought he would stay. She's thinking about how life has done her wrong.

So she's going to start drinking. She's going to start thinking, and then she's going to start crying. But she's only going to cry for a minute or two, and then she's going to get pissed off and want to fight, right? So I don't want you to think that's rude. You will absolutely get a plate. You just might limp out with it, you know what I mean? And it was never a good or bad thing. It was simply the way it was at my mom's house. I got into junior high. My friends were drinking and having a good time. I wanted to have a good time.

That was it. Very simple in the beginning, but what happens for me when I take a drink of alcohol is I cease to care about you.

So I don't care about you before I take a drink of alcohol. Now that I've taken the drink, I'm simply inclined to share with you that I don't care about you,

so I'm going to have to ask you to resist the urge of pulling me to the side and telling me how I have wronged you. Allegedly. Right. So this is something else I've noticed. Tell me if you were like. I find that we get over things far quicker than those we've injured. Have you noticed that

three days later, it's obvious I'm back in my happy place, right? And you come across someone still smarting from the alleged injustice and their energy should be possible. You know what I mean? They're just kind of rude. And you're like, sugar, get free, turn it over, right? So the big book talks about me. It says I stepped on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate, seemingly. That's a tricky little word without provocation. Not only am I stepping on toes, but I'm wearing the highest of heels at all times. I'm a toe masher from way back.

You know what I mean? Here's the deal. It isn't that I'm intentionally trying to harm you. There is a void within my spirit.

There is a vacancy

that is so painful that in my desperation and my quest to quench my thirst, I have to do what I need to do. And sometimes your timing is not good and I must move you. That's it. It's really very simple. I know it sounds delicate. It may not feel that way, but I need it to be. And so, you know, here's the thing. I'm going about my, my, my life, minding my own business, right? And I was living with my godmother. She was leaving

need to attend the Black Caucus conference in Washington, and she had purchased a Mercedes. She had this car for about 6 months and she was all kind of happy. And when she left, she parked her car in her driveway, took the keys and placed them in her candy dish, right? And basically, I think she said something like, I don't know, it's really funky, but I think she said something like, don't touch my car. I don't know. I can't make sure, right?

And SO

if she said it, I know she didn't mean it. You know what I mean? And here's the thing. This is how I live. I just want to give you a little glimpse into the mind of Candace. When I say something, it's law, period. Get clear, right? When you say something, you know what? I think we have wiggle room, right? And so, so she may have said that, but again, so that day

I'm going to the club, right? Later on that night, this club called The Whiskey,

one of my best friends. And So what better way to go to a club than in a brand new car? So that whole day was spent with Candace himself. How self would be featured? How self would debut? How self would be presented?

Did Jesus just go? Did you guys do it?

Tell him we did some healing? OK, so so as I'm driving the car consumed with self, I ran into someone else's car.

Whoops. So I stood at the turning point, right? And

let me just look something else about me. You know what I really like personal. Both. Yeah. Need it like right here. So the guy whose car I hit was not a respecter of the personal boss. So I need you to be like, right here. He was like right here. You know what I mean? He's talking. And his energy was so negative and,

and he had a little that little spittle kept coming at me and I'll do it like this. And you know, he's like, oh, with the heavy energy and I'm like, God, I gotta go, you know what I mean? And so

I've got this commitment to my friend and you know what I did? I left. So that's what I do. There is no accountability when I'm an untreated alcoholism. I'm not a principled individual. I do what I feel like doing when I feel like doing. I am a team player, my team, right. So the whole front end of of of her car now had a permanent grin. And I took it. I drove it back into the driveway. I placed the keys back in the candy dish. I

the stairs and I told my friend we're gonna take a cab cause the the party needed to go on and I had a sneaking suspicion that when she returned she was gonna be none too pleased about the car situation. She was in fact quite teased she had seen the movie Tough love. I've never seen this movie. I don't desire to see this movie. But the effect it had on her was profound I can assure you. And after she saw the movie, she was so inspired, she drove a contract of things I was expected to do.

And I remember her reading off like, you know, volunteer time and give of yourself to some charitable organization. I thought, what an order. I can't go through with it. You know what I mean? And I remember she was talking. She kept saying the same thing over and over. And she thought what I had done was a vicious, malicious act. Something something I was selfish, something something I don't know. And why don't she was talking? I had this one thought continuously going through my head. And that thought was,

you have insurance, why are you tripping, right?

That's alcoholism. Alcoholism. There is no column four in alcoholism, right? There is no where have I been at fault? What are my mistakes? I live in columns one and two without the benefit of a program. I live in The Who you are and what you did to piss me off.

So the fact that she kept telling me this over and over and I had already heard her, I must say, how about that? And so the environment stayed 10. She was unwilling to turn it over. And so I ended up moving out, right. And I was working in Beverly Hills. I met a couple of people. One of them gave me an opportunity to work for a record label. When they hired me at the label, they hired me as a receptionist. But you know what? You know what?

You know what I felt? I thought they were grooming me for CEO. That's what I felt. And so some people,

some people have scheduled to know, I say visionary, right? And so, so I felt optimistic about my chances of them coming to me and saying, I know that you've had only maybe two real jobs, but please run this entire label. I felt it could happen. And so I would walk around assuming the posture, waiting for the chat. And you know, but I also work hard. I ended up getting promoted. I worked in promotions for a long time and I promoted a lot of multi platinum artists. And the more I got promoted, the more I got loaded.

There's a member of my first Home group in old timers. She would always say alcohol gave me the wings to fly and then it took away the sky.

Alcohol allowed all my dreams to come true. I'm not here because I never lived my dreams. I'm here because alcohol dictated what I would do, when it would be done, the frequency of when it would be done, how it would look while it was being done, and when I would resume doing it. So if you encountered me during that period of my life, you would have thought I was absolutely the most self assured, confident individual you would ever come across. But basically every day I felt like a little kid playing dress up

every day. Every day I was terrified that they were going to find out my mother is an abusive parent who lived in South Central, which is a really hardcore, bad ghetto area, and that they were going to come to me and say you're not one of us. You don't belong here, Lee.

Alcoholism lives in fear, lack, limitation. You're not going to make the grade. The rug is going to be pulled out from underneath you at any moment.

That's why I'm so grateful to the members of Alcoholics Anonymous that have come here, that have taught me to train my feet,

to train my feet, not my math, and Alcoholics Anonymous to say yes to Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I remember during that period finding out that my grandmother had passed. And by the time I found out that she had passed, she'd already been buried.

And that is because when I'm living in that lifestyle, I live in nothing but facades.

I am trying to outrun everything about my past. I don't want to come from where I come from. I don't want my family to be who they are. And So what I do is I just recreate everything and I communicate it with my family through APO Box. And I rarely the more successful I became, the less I went to that PO Box because it reminded me of something I don't want to think about. So when I would go, I would just get whatever the most recent letter was. I read it and I remember this one talking about how selfish I was. I only thought of myself,

could I not show up for my grandmother's funeral? I started reading all the other letters that had come before that and they were detailing how she was getting sick and asking for me.

That's the type of woman that I brought to you,

always running my mouth. I had many opinions but no information.

And So what happened in the weeks that followed is I started looking around at my stuff. My stuff at that time in my life was all important. It was very important to label. I worked for

the title I held, where I lived, who I knew, the private parties I attended. All of those things were like my breath. I needed them to prove my worth to you. My dear friend Lynette always said something that could. This day hits me in my core. She says if you don't go within, you will go without

all the money in the world. The best sex in the world will not keep you from wanting to put a gun to your head if there is no spiritual solution.

I remember looking around at my stuff and my stuff was no longer enough and I had no idea what to do with that information. My stuff was me and I was my stuff and now my stuff is not enough and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And so at some point my head always talking to me, told me that I was living and working in a world built on make believe. It told me that I needed to get real, but I don't know how to get real. I just know how to get drunk. And So what I did is I ended up walking in and resigning from my entire career

because that's what my head told me we needed to do.

And, you know, I stayed afloat for a few months on the money I had and on the money my friends had. So they got greedy and started holding onto it. And then I had to make a decision. I made a decision to step out there and market myself in exchange for a drink,

like to refer to this as a public relations phase of my development. And so when I stepped out there, I wanna be clear that the investors felt very good about the product and they were willing to invest heavily. But when you start cutting off your hair and losing your teeth, well, my socks plummeted. And you know, it's like, I don't know if you guys have the store here, but it's like one day

you're a Neiman Marcus in the next year in Walmart, you know what I mean? It's just like a you're having a fire sale without your permission. And so

I ended up

relocating from the area that I was in down to the Skid Row estates, right where they're left sticky. And so while I'm down there doing my thing, I got pregnant. I'm never going to do anything to jeopardize the life of an unborn child. Like I shared this hundreds of times. I'll share it to the day I die. I would never do anything to jeopardize the life of an unborn child. But I am not a periodic. I drink, period.

When I found out I was pregnant, I made a decision to terminate that pregnancy. Whether I'm pro or con, I won't tell you because that's an outside issue. I will tell you this, when I was little there were men that would come into the house that were bonded children in a way that sick and unnatural.