The Firing Line Group in Dallas, TX

Cool. I met Ashley probably

a month into being sober. When I started coming to California, into this meeting,

I remember the the thing that really stuck out is when she would talk, it would really hit me home.

She's somebody that I really look up to and when she talks, I really feel like she's transmitting something,

something powerful, something

that I have no other explanation for other than it's, it's God working in her life. And

she reached out to me when I was newly sober. And I remember she asked me to go out and get lunch one day and, and share experiences and, and she's someone who really just demonstrates what it's like to be a member of Cocaine Anonymous and just a good person in the program of recovery.

I wasn't around for it, but I know a little bit of her story and

Ashley, someone who, so I've heard

was able to get free, truly free sober

at like 11 years.

And she got truly free. And, and

she's someone who I really look up to and has been there for me. And, you know, late at night when I'm losing my, my cool. She's someone who I can call and, and truly trust to be there. And I'm super excited to hear your story, Ashley. So come on up here.

I like this thing up here.

My name is Ashley and I'm an alcoholic.

I I celebrate 12 years this week.

That's really cool,

considering

I really didn't have a lot to do with it.

Now, Patrick mentioned something very significant

just a second ago. He said that I really got free at 11 years sober.

How is that possible, one might ask.

And how does one say sober that that long without being really free? It's another question you might ask.

I spent a lot of time in the rooms. I spent a lot of times in the rooms doing a lot of things.

If you've ever read the 12:00 and 12:00 it talks about being A2 stepper. Step one and step 12.

I spent a lot of time knowing that I was an alcoholic.

I know that if I put alcohol in my body or drugs, whatever, anything, I'm going to drink until I'm drunk,

right? I'm not going to be able to control that. I also know that I don't have a choice when it comes to drinking.

I knew that much coming into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and for a long time I

man, I was on fire like I was a big book thumper. I was the kiddo at the the H and I or 12 H and I's and I had all these fonsees and I was running around to every single thing I could do.

And they needed someone to chair. I chaired. They need someone to go to this treatment facility. I'll go, you know, and what it turns out I was doing while I was carrying truth, which was that I'm a alcoholic and I no longer self suffer from an obsession

from with alcohol and drugs.

I was carrying that, but I was also getting a hit

every time I walked into a treatment facility and I walked out. I thought, I feel good,

right? Look at all the good I just did

every time a woman asked me to sponsor her. I felt like I had something like I had done something like I'm great or something. And it was very subtle. Y'all wasn't like I thought to myself, I'm great. It wasn't like that,

but I spent a lot of time in these rooms doing

and and

not only did it did I carry this idea that if I just do enough, then I then just then I'll get what they're talking about here in the steps,

then I'll be free. Then I won't care what people think or, or, or then I'll, I'll have this sense of peace and comfort or sense of peace they talk about in the ninth step promises. But you know what happened

then? I had got obsessive about my weight and I started working out a lot. And then I had to workout.

Then I got obsessive about what I wore and how I looked

and was I good enough and how much money do I have So so then I thought I just need to get these things and then I'll be OK.

This book talks about being selfish and self-centered and that egocentric and it's all about me, my eye and what can I get to make me feel different. And that's how this started. I mean, as a young kid, I grew up just not far from here and and I'm a triplet,

umm, and I have an older sister. And so there were four of us kids in this house and my parents didn't have a lot of money, right? I mean, they we got everything we needed for sure. And we were definitely not like poor lower middle class, right? But I always out of the out of the four kids, I always seem to be the one that was like, well, why can't I have this and why don't I have that?

And, and the book says restless, irritable and discontented. And I was restless, irritable and discontented.

Like, why is it never good enough? My older sister looked at me one time as a teenager and she said, actually, you always think that we owe you something.

And I began, I began to fill that void of me, my eye. I need something

by doing things. First it was like sports and things of that nature and then it was feeling. I don't know how I got from sports to stealing.

If you had it and I wanted it, I took it right

and then and then as I got older, it progressed. Now I want kids, other kids to like me, right? And, and I always, I always hated the way I looked. I always was comparing myself to everyone else. If my outsides could just look differently then I'll be OK.

And so I would. I would. I would change clothes about a million times before school.

Umm. And as I got older than it was like it was back to sports and hanging out and then it was boys. And now I like them. And if I just thought that they liked me, I didn't even need to know if they liked me. If I just thought that someone liked me, there was a sense of peace within me.

I discovered drugs and alcohol on the same night.

Of course,

my older sister, my older sister was like 18 at the time and she and I, I was like 14 years old, 15 somewhere in there, 14. And I finally had

coaxed her into letting me hang out with her, her and her friends. And it was Thanksgiving and they were going to,

they had Rolling Rock and I drank like half of 1.

I don't think I've drank one sense it did. It didn't taste good, it got hot, it was gross. I think I drank half of two, so one total maybe. I didn't feel anything. And then they pulled out a joint and y'all I had, I had seen people rolling joints in the past. I'd worked in the restaurant business, so I'd been kind of around that scene.

And I remember looking at this little tiny, it was really thin. And I remember looking and going, that's not going to be enough. I mean,

I had never smoked in my entire life, but I already knew that this was not going to be enough for all of us.

And thus began my drug and alcohol use. It was never enough.

I went from like zero to 60 and 2.3 seconds

once I discovered and I'm just like everyone else when it comes to drugs and alcohol. Not alcohol as much but drugs, especially weed. I felt normal. It made it made all of the noise within me go away.

It was a power greater than myself and it did everything I ever wanted. And I didn't even know it,

you know? And it just,

I think I was 15 or 16 and by then I was, you know, not hanging. I wasn't going to school much anymore and hanging out with the older crowd. And before you know it, I'm snorting speed and K and whatever else you can in ecstasy. Whatever else you can get, I could get my hands on. I don't even know where I got the money. I'm not. I always had a job. You had to have a job to do drugs at that time. I had really good work ethic at that time.

I I wanted money. I discovered that money

also. I discovered money got me what I wanted. I got bought my first car. I that my parents couldn't tell me what to do anymore. I was gone.

I have relationship with this man named Adam.

We're on and off. When I decide we're on, we're on. When I decide we're off, we're off.

I

I get pretty heavy into snorting cocaine on a regular basis.

I don't remember if it was daily at that point, but it was pretty close to and I was drinking daily

and hanging out with people. I shouldn't have been hanging out with parts of town that I shouldn't be in. And I wasn't scared. You know, I one time my car got I, I lost my key somehow. I used to wear it on a necklace and somehow even wearing it on a necklace, I lost the key and I was stuck down in Pleasant Grove looking for wet with some people that I shouldn't have been hanging out with, right?

With probation in two days, by the way.

Yeah,

because even the fear of going to jail or prison didn't matter anymore. And this is at like 16 or 17 years old, right?

And it just progressively gets worse. And there are moments when I stop hanging out with people and I stopped doing drugs and I just smoked pot or the state of Texas says you can't do that anymore. So I just drink

and

somewhere in there I get pregnant.

I think I was a junior in high school and me and that guy that I was on and off with, we decided that this is the first time I say this is it. This is where I start acting like a, an adult

and doing the right thing and and it's going to be good. And I have to say that during that time during the pregnancy, it was good. Things were good. I graduated high school, you know, I didn't the only thing that repercussion I felt that was I could no longer hanging out, hang out with the the crew and I felt a little left out. That's about all.

I graduated and I mean this, this man, we're living together and playing house and everything was good. And my son came a little bit early and I remember wanting to drink right after we were going to have his baby. He came two months early. So I had the baby shower after he was born. And I remember looking at my mom, 19 years old, and I said, look, we should have beer at the baby shower. And she was like, good idea. I don't know.

I think that's great.

Thus began

the last run,

which would last another three or four years with the toddler

in tow, with a baby that I really at the time, didn't care for. If I'm honest, I cared for him but not enough to be a a real mom.

I at that point lost the power of choice in drink and use.

I began to drink daily in the morning all day long and I began to use

intermittently and they were the the sprees were getting closer and closer together because you can't you start to get like sloppy drunk at some point right? And drugs became more desirable because they allowed for drinking to happen. I got a DWI when I was 21 on September 11th and outside of Abilene TX and it had no depth and weight in me getting sober.

I during that time of probation. I was talking to someone today about this during that time of probation. This is the last two years of my drinking.

I went to most of my probation meetings dirty. I almost went to prison on the 1st probation meeting. I chewed out a cop who raided my house subsequently not due to me. Got caught with a bong and someone took the fall for it.

Smoked meth and cocaine or in in sort of cocaine two or three days before a drug test.

And then in the last two months this week, 12 years ago smoked pine bud because I thought that was a good idea

before my last probation meeting. So

I couldn't stop

with all of the the fear, with all of the consequences looming with the child, with the broken relationships, the no jobs anymore, being alone, doing everything in my own power to stop during that time I could not stop. I would do everything that page 31 talks about.

Only drinking on certain days, only using when there's enough time, only taking $20, only buying a 20, whatever.

I couldn't stop.

I went to rehab on September 13th of 2006,

not because I wanted to get sober really well. I mean, I've had a long run that last week I was stealing some kids Adderall and I was smoking kind bud and I was intermittently drinking because I had no money and I was mooching off of people. And I got caught in a lie by the last people that ever on the earth that wanted anything to do with me.

If they had, if they only knew how how much I stole and how how

how bad of a person I was, they probably wouldn't have allowed me in their home.

Umm and someone said you need help

and for the first time ever I admitted out loud I do

and I didn't know what I was going to do.

Someone suggested rehab and I called up to ODAT

in Plano. Someone answered the phone and I said I need help and they said call Green Oaks and I called Green Oaks and I stayed there for two days and they shipped me off to Homeward Bound for two weeks.

I went to Home Rebound for two weeks. That's a that's about all I did at Home Rebound. I went, I saw people from AAI, saw people from different groups. I didn't really do any of the work. I was not a star

pupil. I was just kind of there. They told me to get up. I got up, they told me to go to bed. I went to bed. They said no smoking and I didn't smoke. You know, like that's about, that's about what happened at Green Oaks or at home Rebound. I went into sober living following that and I really didn't get, I really didn't get into the program or anything. I knew I was an alcoholic. I knew that much

but I originally went to rehab because I was scared I was going to go to prison on my last probation meeting

and someone said any help and I admitted that much.

I went to a group, I met a sponsor,

I flattered around for two, two months in the rooms going to meetings 1990 ish, like 90. I'd go to like to two or three in one day and then I take two or three days off and then I would justify because I did 90 in 90 days. It just didn't look like 91 a day.

And I became enamored with a guy and he said I know a good, good sponsor for you. And I was like me

for me had nothing to do with sponsorship. It was only because this guy had suggested that I get a sponsor. And I was like, okay, and I met this woman.

I met this woman

who

and another fellowship in an AAA group who was three years sober and I couldn't imagine being three years sober and at this point you all I knew something needed to happen. There was a there was enough sense to know something needed to happen because all the women I was hanging out with and we were doing everything the same. We were living in the sober living house. We were going to 90 and 90 ish and and we were not getting sponsors and we were doing IOP ish.

They were relapsing

and so I knew there was some, I was next. I knew that much. Even though I didn't feel like drinking, even though things were okay internally. If I be a real alcoholic and I've never drank before and what the, and I know that what these people are saying might be true about, about this disease, then I might be next. And somewhere in there this this force took me into the steps.

Quickly somewhere in there I had this desire to not drink

and I got plugged into a group and I started to learn about alcoholism and and the nature of it and that I didn't have a choice. I had never had a choice up to this point, so why would I now?

And I got plugged in and my sponsor said go do this. And I went. She said call me every day. And I called her even if I didn't know what I was going to say. I mean, I'm like rehearsing what I'm going to say prior to calling her. I don't even know. I don't even know what she wants to hear. I don't know. It feels weird.

I

and somewhere in there I string together some year sober,

carrying the message to Timberlan and Homeward Bound and the 24 Hour Club and Maggie's House,

sponsoring women and taking them through the steps. And I started out this talk saying that

I did all those things. And I'm not saying those things aren't bad. We each have our place

and and those in carrying the message is important, in helping the newcomers important and and being there when someone calls is important. But the motive behind why I did it and my understanding of why I was doing it was what was what matters.

I wasn't relying on a power, I was relying on steps to stay sober that entire time.

I didn't do this work because I knew that some there was some power bigger than me that was granting me grace to stay sober.

Yeah, sometimes I called it God and sometimes I prayed to Him when I was miserable enough or when I wanted something.

But for the most part I was staying sober based off of how much I did.

I would say stuff like that, like I need to do a ten step and I would call my sponsor and I would like vomit all over her about this problem and it's and feel relief when I got off the phone,

right? I would do an inventory because I was so mad, but I never saw the pattern of why I did it or or what caused that.

And I thought, if I just do enough inventories, if I just do enough 10 steps, if I just do enough 11 steps, if I just do enough 12 stuff, then I will get

all this. I'll get that freedom they're talking about.

Fast forward nine or nine years and I'm doing all this and I'm standing in the shower one day and I'm thinking to myself, what is wrong with me? Why can't I be OK?

Why can't I just look or feel like those other people sitting in meetings

and I started to hear stuff and and about spirituality and God and someone looked at me and said you don't know anything about a power grading yourself. And I was like, I do too. I'm nine years sober.

Mind you, I was miserable and I was asking myself when I was alone why it's not OK.

And the truth is is I didn't. I never relied on a power in all of this. I relied on some mechanics

for a long time to get me by. I relied on working out and eating right and looking the certain way to get me by

and, and that began

the best part of my sobriety.

Now I didn't, I'd like to say I just stopped doing, but honestly, that's just the opposite of what I was doing, which was doing and it's just not doing. But I'm still doing something. And so I

I didn't stop what I was doing. I don't not carry the message. I don't not sponsor women. I don't,

I began to hear things like trust. Trust that this power will bring people to work with. Trust that that if you don't work out, you're going to be OK. Trust that if you eat that piece of pizza, you're going to be. And that sounds so simple, but I, I would eat a pizza pizza. And I feel guilty.

I'd wake up on Sunday and I'd be like, I need to meal prep,

I need to go, I need to go do that eleven step.

I started to learn how to actually meditate and sit quietly

and, and, and to carry this message because there's a power actually working in my life

and trusting that however life is looking, it's going to be, it's all right. It's already OK.

I started to see some truth about myself that that when I'm in fear, I immediately react. I immediately go to do something to fix it. I've never wanted to feel feelings.

I've never wanted to sit with that feeling of uncomfortability. I immediately just went to, hey, what does the tense up say? It says we do four things. We talk to God. And I would quickly do that on my knees because I'm on fire now. I need him. And then I would call my sponsor and I would let her know just how bad it was.

And then I would go help some poor soul because now I need to get out of myself. So I need you to be there so that I can do that which is selfish.

There was that there was a selfish motive to doing these steps,

which is not surprising because remember, I'm selfish and self-centered

and I have a God complex and I think I know it all.

Umm.

So I started to

learn about this. I started to learn about it, what it means to bring spiritual aspects into your finances or into these relationships with sponsees or family. That I don't need to immediately react when something's wrong.

I can sit and be with that.

I don't. I haven't really. I haven't gone through the steps again since then. I just have kind of stopped doing things. And like I said, when I say I don't do things, I still do things.

I just don't go seek it anymore. I'm just not always out there looking to get something out of helping y'all or being of service or being a part of a group or And and that main, it doesn't look very different than it used to. I'll say that much. It doesn't look very different. But the motive from within is definitely not to use you all so that I can get a hit, so that I can be OK one more day.

And that was a real, that was a real eye opener to to look at all the ego that and and the actor that was still running the show

to see that even though I'm calling it God, I'm still just being a dope fiend, an alcoholic. Just now it looks really pretty,

umm, this time around

the,

I mean, it's just, it's just really small stuff. Like today I was really nervous about. I found out at like 10 that I was speaking.

Actually kind of knew last night. Someone asked me if I was available and I was like, I'm probably have to speak.

OK, that's a difference. That's a real difference.

That's a real difference

and years one through 8 or 9 I'd have been like y'all speaking, let me just write my name down. I'm getting good

anybody any speaker I can do it.

Why?

Because I needed to.

And today I was like, last night I was like, I don't really want to,

but I said I can. I will absolutely. And I was thinking about it today and I was like, God, I'm kind of nervous. So then I was like, let me listen some to some Joe Hawk stuff. And I was like, let me go do something to to make this nervousness go away. And a voice inside said,

said, is that a good idea? And I was like, yes. And then and then sponsor texts me and says what are you doing?

And I was like son of a bitch.

I'm distracting.

And that may seem really simple. That may seem like nothing really or Mitt and or maybe an even nitpicky, but the truth is is inward. I knew that that's not what I should just be. I could be OK today. I can, I can go do a little bit of housework or just sit like I just sat for a while.

I every Saturday and Sunday. Oh my God,

I saw a Facebook post recently and it was like went to the 24 hour club, worked with a protege, pat family time,

did big book study. That was like just on Saturday or something like that, right? Like it was this. I would wake up at 7. It would be like meditate and then go to the gym, then go to the grocery store and then go do this and then go do that in the 7:30 meeting. And I couldn't just sit still. I didn't. I didn't know how to just be OK

and trust that whatever was supposed to appear would appear.

These days I will. I don't really make plans unless I have, unless there's a necessity for it. Because stuff appears

this morning at 9:00. I don't know why these fonsees get up so freaking early and call me. I had two calls by 9:30

and I pick up why I'm not doing anything. I'm drinking coffee, hanging out at the house. It's raining, right?

And, and, and when I'm asked to carry the message, I go carry the message. When I'm asked to sponsor, I say absolutely, unless it's not, unless it's absolutely not a fit for me. Because I'm not going to lie, y'all, I've never done heroin. I don't sponsor a lot of heroin addicts, especially new new gals. I would do them an injustice. I don't know what that's like,

Umm, but I do know that I walked around in these rooms for a long time, still playing the actor, forever trying to run the show, the lights, the ballet, the scenery, and the rest of the players. If only all these things would work out. If only I could do a perfect ten step. If only I could I could sit. Sit in meditation long enough for if only I had enough H and I or or or sponsees or whatever. And

that's not the name of the game

today. It's about trusting in a power greater than myself and learning what that looks like

right today. It's about being of service from a place of byproduct of having a power so that this message can be transmitted

instead of justice. Talking a lot of big book and quoting and

giving off this impression that I actually have something to offer. And y'all, this isn't from me.

This is because there's a power in my life

that is working in and through that has allowed me to stay sober even when I got into relationships that I didn't belong in, or even when I Why are you laughing?

Yeah, even when

even when I, you know, would change jobs just for money

or when I didn't want to pay that, you know, financial amends that came up recently didn't want to pay that financial means because it was medical and they don't go on your credit.

Yeah, I know they do. And it was just a stupid it was just because I didn't want to give up the money, which is not mine. The money's not mine anymore. Y'all. The time's not mine. This life is not mine. How it all ends is not mine.

Umm, how this talk goes is not mine.

I am not perfect at this at all. And I see in my life where I'm still very agnostic and I still want to control things like with my kiddo in that relationship or with my mom in that relationship. And I can see it happening now. And that's amazing. I can see

the lack of trust and I can see that I'm not going to fix that. I just royally screw it up.

My son is now

My son is now 16.

He has never sought seen his mom drunk.

He's seen character defects, though. He has seen that

and, and I work for a company that I never, it's a good company. Trevor knows he works for them too. It's a good company. And I didn't, and I didn't do anything with that. I don't know how I landed on it. That definitely was a cool. That's a cool experience. It's all experiences, by the way. Everything we're doing, it's all an experience and it's all coming and going and everything's changing. And if I can just get on a ride and go with the flow

and stop trying to like be the actor trying to run the show, it actually works out a lot better.

I don't have as many sponsors as I used to have.

I'm not accumulating them anymore.

What else?

There's a lot more peace

and

that's really cool

because all I ever wanted was to not drink and not use and not obsess about that. And then after that, it was all I ever want is not to obsess about everything else.

And,

and I wish I could say it was really rich or something, but that's not true. My life is very extraordinary

and I get to be a part of a family and have friends and get to be a part of this fellowship. And I've since started coming into other fellowships where I get to learn how to meditate and

I, I didn't know that I wanted to do that.

And

I really, really appreciate y'all letting me come up here and speak. And I'm very, very grateful for the opportunity. And

yeah, I think I'm done.