The 48th Annual Big Deep South Convention in New Orleans, LA

Hey, what's up, everybody? My name is Brian. I'm an alcoholic,

My sobriety day is June 17th of 2011 and my Home group is the Big Easy Group. We meet on Tuesday nights at 7:30 at the corner of South Claiborne and Jefferson. Please come out and visit if you want to experience the best group in town. I am also the chairperson for this meeting. Will you please join me in a moment of silence followed by the Serenity Prayer?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

All right, I would like to tell you what a what Alcoholics Anonymous is. As stated in our preamble, Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who have shared their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement is is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for a A membership. We are self supporting through our own contributions. A. A is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution,

does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor poses any causes.

Our primary purpose is to say sober and to help other Alcoholics to achieve sobriety. I've asked Dave to read how it works from the Big Book.

Hello Family. My name is Dave and I'm an alcoholic.

My sobriety dates August 29th, 2009 and my Home group is on the dot meets seven days a week in the mornings. This is how it works. Rarely have you seen a person fail who's thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover. People who cannot or will not completely give themselves to the simple program. Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way.

They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.

Their chances are less than average. They're those two who suffer from grave emotional mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened and what we are like now. If you've decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any link to get it, then you're then you're ready to take certain steps. At some of these we bought. We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not.

With all the owners in our command. We beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and result was nil until we let go. Absolutely remember that we deal with alcohol. Cunning, baffling, powerful without help. It is too much for us. But there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find them now. Half measures availed as nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandoned here on the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery.

One. We admitted we are powerless over alcohol that our lives have become a manageable to kind of believe that our power greater than ourselves could restore to sanity. 3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood Him.

Four May searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5 admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Six Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7 Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. 8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends of them all. Nine may direct amends that such people were ever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10 continue to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. 11 sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12 Having had spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us has claimed what an order. I can't go through with it. Do not be discouraged. No one among us have been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not Saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear 3 pertinent ideas

A. That we are alcoholic and cannot manage our own lives. B

Probably knowing human power could have relieved our alcoholism. See that God could and would if he were. Saw it. Thank you.

All right, So when Van asked me to host Zach as the the local speaker, my mind just went racing because I realized all the stuff I'd have to do to make him presentable to speak to you guys. I'd have to feed him, I'd have to clothe him, I'd have to bathe him. I'd have to get him here. And every time he's at my house, he already eats all of our food anyways. So.

But you know, I was willing, You know when you say yes, right? So no, I say that lovingly. Zach is my sponsor. He has been since almost the first couple weeks of my sobriety.

Zach brought me through the steps which connected me with God,

which relieve my obsession for alcohol. He taught me that God has to be between me and the first drink. He showed me that, but he's done so much more than that. He taught me that this program is meant to make me useful to other people, not necessarily to make me feel better. Even though I really I like feeling better. I

and that it's not about the results. It's about giving and sacrificing my most precious commodity, my time. And Zach has sacrificed a lot of his time for a lot of people, including me. He's been there for me and my darkest moments, crying, not knowing what to do with my life, where I am, who I am. He's been there at the hospital when my son was only a couple hours old, holding him.

And I've learned these truths by following his example.

So with that I give you Zach.

Wow, my name is Zach. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety day is July 11th, 2008. My Home group is Neck Breakers. We meet on Monday nights on 1941 Dauphine St. That's the corner of Dauphine and Turo. There is a parking lot there. We do a lot of exciting things. We have 210 minute speakers, a coffee break and then an ask it basket

on I think Jun 26. Is that a Monday, June 26th, the last Monday of the month? Anyway, we're having a speak and meet and this is something I learned from my sponsor is once you become a part of a group, whatever the group decides, you support that regardless of what you may or may not think. That's somewhat difficult for me. Sometimes. I

I I, I, I, I come back to the group and they tell me we're having a chili cook off in June.

I come from Iowa. We don't even eat chili in Iowa in June, but it's, you know, this is going to be great. So please come bring chili from your Home group. Make the best chili. I challenge you right now be there June 26th. I

that was that was very kind. I love Brian when I when I first met him. Oh my God. He

thing things happen in Alcoholics Anonymous where you're sitting across a room and you're telling your story and some guys nodding and then you see him slowly approaching you and you think, oh God,

this guy's going to ask me to sponsor him.

And he did.

He told me he was a professional snowboarder,

that he had a college scholarship to play baseball,

and I believe that he was Wiccan, which there's nothing wrong with being Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. Do what's right, do what's next. But he wasn't wicked. He just had a wicked ring

and we'd start reading the big book together and we'd start talking and he really wanted to teach me all the things that he knew about life and about spiritual experiences. And generally, as most of you know, before we get here, our spiritual experiences come through LSD or mushrooms. He had, he had a lot of beautiful ideas. And really, I want to bet you

dollars to Donuts he was not going to stay sober. I just probably people here can tell you, they would have bet you I wasn't going to stay sober.

But what I did is I showed up every week at that treatment center because somebody did that for me. And I met with this guy and it was surprising because what happened is he started doing all the stuff in the big book and I, I saw his life change.

I saw this guy who his plan when he went to treatment

was to steal his dad's car while his dad was talking to the counselor and drive back to Ohio. That's a 16 hour drive. This was the best the kid had.

He was a degenerate. He stole his dad's refrigerator and then lied about it. You can't. That's hard to get away with.

So here's this guy with no hope who's going through all this stuff and, and I, he's doing it and I see him changing and, and I did something in the beginning that really got me hooked up and got me to where I love my sponsor and I think he loves me. And what it was is we do a nightly inventory. And this is after going through the few steps and write down these questions from page 86.

And Brian was doing that every night. And what started happening is

I'd feel guilty when I wasn't doing mine.

And I think that's how this thing works, you know? And then I see this guy who I've told you about his best plans, get into a relationship. I think that's not going to work.

And then I see him have a child and I think that's not going to work. And then I'm at the hospital and this little baby is steaming in my hands. And I've been able to see him be a father and be an amazing, you know, man to his woman through Alcoholics Anonymous, through the same stuff somebody else told me. Because before I got here, my problem was not necessarily that I thought Alcoholics

Anonymous was stupid, or I thought the book was dumb, or you all were idiots, which I did.

But my biggest problem was that I didn't write it myself,

that I didn't come up with it because all my life I consider myself a smart guy. Growing up, I, I grew up in Iowa and I, I, I was one of those guys who I needed to know everything. And if you ask me about something and I didn't know it, I lied about it. I couldn't let you know that I was afraid. I couldn't let you know that I didn't know something because what would you think of me? So I had to prove myself. And the way you prove yourself when you're in Iowa that day and time,

you don't show your feelings, you don't talk about any of that.

When I was 13 years old,

I was at my friend Jeff Witts house. We found some lime flavored vodka and Mountain Dew and we had some Iron Maiden and it was just the two of us.

Oh man, have you ever seen lime flavored vodka and Mountain Dew on your shirt combined with the other things that you've eaten?

I mean, both of us, we had it on our shirt and I had a blast. And it was, it was a beautiful thing. I, I love getting drunk. I'm not here because I don't like getting drunk. I'm here because I got to a place where I didn't like being sober ever. I woke up every morning and I thought, I can't do this anymore.

This is horrible. I'm living in another country. I've gotten fired from all the jobs

and I just can't do this anymore.

Yet your ideas didn't work. So I get drunk for that time, and I didn't get drunk regularly, but I did whenever I could, whenever I could get it. On Monday morning in school, I was thinking about how are we going to get booze on Friday night? On Friday night, I was getting as much as I could, and I was the guy by the keg pumping the keg. Not because I was altruistic, because I wanted to make sure when that keg started bobbing that we passed around the hat and got more. And I didn't know that was alcoholism. All I knew

that was me having fun. And it was a lot of fun. And it took away all those cares and worries and it made everything all right. I got to touch Melissa's butt. You know, I didn't. Melissa would never let me touch her butt without alcohol. And it was magic for her. And it was magic for me. And it was absolutely beautiful. And I couldn't get enough of it. And then on Monday, I'd say, Melissa, do you remember when we were out by that Creek?

And she'd say, let's not talk about that.

So it was this magic elixir. And I got drunk and I went to I went to college and I wanted to play football. And I was 17 years old. And I was the big shot like the gentleman talked about last night. I was the big shot. Who all of a sudden I wasn't the big shot anymore. I was just that new guy and I

drank myself out of that school.

I went and followed around bands. I thought I was on a search. I thought I was bohemian,

which Van said means you don't shower and you sleep on your couch of friends.

And so I left there. And I mean, I was still having fun. Don't get me wrong. I was, I was having a blast. I, I, I got to do a lot of things. I got to see a lot of bands. And I, I went back to that school, though I was in Omaha, NE, weighing about £150 because I found this magical stuff that helped me to drink without blacking out.

And a friend of mine looked at me that I'd grown up with and said, what has happened to you?

You used to be strong, You used to be excited. You looked like you haven't slept in three days. You look like shit

and it hurt me. Here's my friend telling me this. You don't, we don't talk about these things. We talk about chicks and football in Iowa, maybe wrestling. Unless you're not good at wrestling, then you never talk about wrestling. And he was, he was opening up to me. And it it hurt it, it struck a wound. And so I went back to school and I worked out all that spring semester and I got pretty damn big and I was a starting member of the football team the next

in the fall.

And what happened is like Bill talks about I had arrived.

Now I'm a star on a football team and I'm still getting drunk. There's no big football team. It's little Division Three. But I'm getting drunk and people are telling me how great I am. And people, teammates, younger guys are saying, God, I wish I could be like, you know, you get drunk on Friday night and show up and have 15 tackles on Saturday. And there's shame in that.

I've finished all of that school. I when you're in a city like that, it's a small school, a small city, you get in trouble. And what happens is the police drive you home. Duke drives you home because they know that the college needs to win on Saturday. And you think you can get away with anything. And you think you're pretty special. And people don't really matter because they're just

what can I get from you, what can I get from you? And it's never enough.

And I think that's what alcoholism is. It's never enough. If I have this, I want more. If she likes me, I want her to like me. If all of you come up to me and say, Zach, you did a good job and this guy says you were horrible, I hated you. All I can think about is that one guy who said I was horrible. I don't know why that is. I think deep down, maybe it's alcoholism. I think deep down it's this, this sense of separation, that I'm different than you, that I'm separate from you,

and it's a lie. And the only thing that made

that lie not a lie anymore was getting drunk. When I got drunk, I felt connected to everyone. I walk into a bar, I hate everybody there. I have a shot of Jameson and a beer. All of a sudden I love everyone

and there may be 10 more shots and 10 more beers. I hate everyone again. It's this. It's this vicious cycle. When I drank, I couldn't predict who was going to come out. I may be the funniest guy in the world. I may be everybody at the bar loves me. Go home with a beautiful woman.

Two nights later, everybody hates me. I'm breaking glass, I'm trying to fight with people. And I wake up in jail and I say, how did this happen? And this stuff happened over and over and over again. And what I would do is I would get out of jail and I would say to myself, I'm never going to drink again. And then I'd be walking to the quickie on Tulane Ave. and I'd have $14.00 in my pocket and I would walk in there with the attention of getting some Winston's and some milk.

I meant it. I found out Winston's are stronger than Marlboro Reds

if you still smoke.

And I would walk into that store with milk Winston's, milk Winston's, and then I'd walk out with the 24 oz beer

and it would get that thing started again. And I didn't know. I didn't have any control over that thing.

I thought I'd just decided to go party

and for three or four days I'd be out getting wasted. And I'm the type of guy when when I have romantic notions about drinking, It's not being in a place like this and drinking champagne and having beautiful steak delivered to me. It's being out on the street with the homeless people and yelling at the people walking by. You're all a bunch of slaves. You're a bunch of idiots. You don't know anything. You're going to work. What is wrong with you?

That's what I like. Oblivion, you know,

I, I mean, I, I got arrested. I don't know how many times in New Orleans. That stuff does not make me an alcoholic. People told me if you just stop doing these things, if you just, you know, get right, if you just stop drinking hard liquor and try beer, you'll be okay. What I do is I go, I go have a water between every drink. Why don't you do that, Zach? And I do that and I just pee all over the place. I get because it's it's, you know, it doesn't help.

I have well meaning people. I work for a construction guy after Katrina. He loved to drink. He was a good old boy who'd have 5 or 6 beers

every day after work. And he'd say to me, Zach, go home after this one,

Go home after this one. I'll buy your next one. If you go home, Adrian, make sure he goes home. He'd tell the bartender and I'd tell him I'm going home after this one. And I meant it. And what happened was this one became this one became this one became this one.

And I'm stumbling home at 3:00 in the morning and I'm up at 7:00 in the morning because I've got to go work for this guy.

I can't control the amount I take. I have no choice once I put the alcohol into my system.

So I went to Korea.

I was 26 years old. I was moving out to San Diego, CA. I didn't realize you couldn't live on $900 in San Diego, CA. I didn't have any other money. That $900 was gone in about a week. And a friend said come on out. And I mean, this was a beautiful. I was in another country for the first time. I had an exotic woman from New Zealand. I, I, I loved it.

I was running my school.

Imagine this. I am in charge of three other teachers.

I'm the head teacher and these other three teachers, my brother who's actually in jail right now, and two of my friends who worked at a restaurant with me. None of these guys have college degrees and I'm in charge. The director made the mistake of the first night I was there saying I'm going to pay for this. You drink whatever you want. We drank every beer in the restaurant. Had to start going to soju. You know, we, I mean, I I'm I'm wandering around a country where

drunken old man are holding hands like this and I'm the one getting kicked out of bars. I can't even speak the language. Just my actions are are you need to go and and

at that time there was something in me. Since the beginning, there's been something in me that knew I need to stop this. I need to do something. But whenever I would stop, whether I was in Korea, wherever I was, what would happen is, what are you going to do?

I've always considered myself a creative. I've written all my life.

And so here's the thing with alcohol. I have a problem. I drink alcohol. It's gone with sobriety. I stopped drinking alcohol. I have a huge problem and I think it's going to be fixed. If I can just publish this short story, if I can just get her. If I can leave this country and go to this country, If I can get another job.

And I think these things are going to be immediate. And it's not that way with sobriety. It's a journey. You know, I I left South Korea and I didn't want to live in the United States anymore. So in January of O4I came to New Orleans and

what a beautiful place for a drunk and for a sober drunk.

If you come to me and say I can't find any sponsees, I'm guessing you've locked yourself in your closet and haven't left for three or four days. They're everywhere. They are all over these streets. They're they're seeping, they're oozing, they're dying. And I loved them. I had so much fun with these drunks in New Orleans. You're in the French Quarter. It is not abnormal to start drinking at 9:00 on a Monday morning

or a Tuesday or a Wednesday. And it's just,

you know,

it's a place of ultimate freedom,

and you believe it's free and it's normal.

And So what happens is I'm going in and out of jail in New Orleans. And I'd been to some a A meetings before. At this time, I'm 30 years old. I'd been to some a A meetings when I was 23.

I was attracted to them. I was attracted to the stories. There was a guy who had a couple girlfriends and he ran drugs. That was a neat story.

No, There was a guy who was in Chicago and he, he played a horn and he pawned his horn and he, you know, these are great stories.

Johnny T said something interesting last night. A

about when he was on fire or he I'm guessing he still is on fire. I can't be that loud, but

he wanted to go around and make all the meetings, Big Book study meetings.

I have a different idea. I think all the meetings should be speaker meetings because I think that's what we have. The Big Book saved my life. But what got me into the Big Book was the story of another alcoholic. A lot of stories of a lot of Alcoholics.

That's what we have. You look at any any way back, any religion, anything. Lessons are told

through stories. They aren't told by you Do this and you do that,

and if you don't do this, you're going to die.

They're told through stories and my heart opened when another guy opened his heart to me.

I don't know how I got from jail to there, but let's go back to jail.

So I start going to these meetings.

Oh yeah, Because I was young and I thought it was stupid. And from 23 to 30,

I told people I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. Those people don't know what they're talking about. I tried Alcoholics Anonymous and it doesn't work.

The truth was, I didn't try Alcoholics Anonymous. I tried your cigarettes.

I tried your coffee. I tried to try your women.

They weren't always receptive,

but at 30 years old, I was in New Orleans and I was pretty damn depressed. I was going down pretty quickly and I was living in a house that they, they told me I didn't have to pay rent for a month if I took out the old floors and put in the new ones. And I took out the old floors.

And then I slept in the bathtub for a couple weeks and it's nasty and there's mosquitoes. And so I start going to a A meetings and I go to a, A meetings on Central Ave. in Metairie because I'm embarrassed that I might see people that I know from New Orleans. This is the same guy who at 6:00 in the morning is yelling at people calling them slaves for going to work. And what I'm embarrassed about

is

that I had to ask for help.

That's what I'm embarrassed about. And guys reached out to me. You know, I did a 10 years ago.

I did

a third step in the middle of the hood

on my knees with all my neighbors watching.

And then I wrote half of a four step. And then I got drunk for another six months.

I ended up in Prague teaching students there. I was drunk for seven months straight. And I walked into, well, I walked up to the window a number of times and it said the meeting is at noon and the next meeting is at six. And every day I went there at 12:30 and 1:00 day, an Irish guy came out and said, why don't you come in here?

And so I sat in that meeting

and I didn't say anything because what I'd done before at AAA meetings is I'd expounded my, my wisdom, whatever latest book I was reading, I, I was fond of electric kool-aid acid test. So I'd quote that and other ones, and

I shut up. Part of it was because I didn't know what to do anymore. Part of it was I wanted you to think I was mysterious

and a guy came up to me and he said,

why don't you stay a little bit after the meeting

doing all right. And we talked and we, he told me some of his stories. What attracted me to this guy is he he was a heroin addict whose alcoholism just

went to heroin. He just found a bunch of powdered alcohol, but he had what I had. Once he started drinking, he couldn't stop. When he tried to quit, he couldn't stay quit. And what he told me was that he would,

despite being vegan,

that means you don't eat eggs or meat or any kind of fish, none of that.

But he would share needles with people

that he didn't know, that he met in an alley. This made sense to me. He also told me when he was 22 years old, he went into a psychiatrist's office and she was beautiful. She had degrees on the wall. She had all these things. She was in a nice suit. And he started talking to her

and she started responding and he thought, I think she wants me.

I could relate to that insanity. I was just telling this guy before the meeting, I was at a 4:00 AM meeting in New Orleans when I was trying to get sober. And I shared my guts. I shared the truth, all about everything. And this woman from New York starts crying. It's a it's a convention. And I think, I think she wants me. I've got her because that's all I, that's all I use these stories for. I use stories for to intimidate you, to impress you, to get in your good graces,

any of it. This guy said, why don't we read this book together? I said, oh contraire Mon frere, you don't understand. I've already read this book a number of times. I use this book as a Roach holder. I would put my roaches from my joints in there to mark the pages so that hopefully someday I'd be so desperate I'd be going to get high

and something would happen. And I just

what used to be the substance or gradually became a working part of it, I don't know,

But for some reason I said yes.

And we started going through that book together

and what happened? I already said, I think something of the effect that it's not so much the book, it's

what the book can do, how it can transform your life. And I think more of what was happening is

it was the first time in my life that I asked somebody for help. I asked somebody for help a number of times and meant it. But it was the first time in my life I asked for help. I meant it. And then I just said yes. And then I just said, what next? And then I just said, I don't know what I said, but it was some kind of I was supplicating. I just did everything because I was done. I had a full realization. I can't do this anymore.

I can't do it.

We got to the 4th step and I started writing

all these resentments and he kind of tricked me. He said I want you to write down all the names. And I wrote down all the names. OK, now I want you to write down why you resent all those people. I'm thinking, all right, I'm about done. Now I want you to write down, you know, these seven parts of self that affects. All right, now I'm done. No, no, no. We haven't even gotten to the real stuff.

See, when I got through with those resentments, I had about this much of an ability to realize that every problem I have ever had I am a huge part of. And also what I've since realized even more and more and more, when I resent somebody, when I have a problem with somebody, it's either because I'm deeply afraid of something. It's always because I'm deeply afraid of something. But even more,

I'm looking at myself.

You are never the person making me angry. You are the mere that allows me to change.

Think about that. It's a horrible thing to think about. You don't get to. You don't get to be resentful anymore. Very long.

My beautiful, wonderful, amazing girlfriend

told me yesterday that she was going to put grass on her lawn.

I think that's a horrible thing. I think trees and things should be planted and grass is a horrible crop in my mind. That went to She doesn't respect me. How selfish can she be?

Then it went to what have I even gotten myself into? I'm with a woman that believes in grass.

This is how quickly my mind goes to and I'm out. The difference is I didn't say this is ridiculous. I'm out of here, baby. I said I love you. I'm going to talk to you later, right?

I pause when agitated or doubtful, because it's never real.

He starts taking me through the book. I'm on an island in Prague. It's beautiful. The castle is in the background, Prad Chanska, and I'm writing my inventory

and there's people going by on paddle boats and they're drinking. I don't know what they're drinking, Staro Promen and they're smoking joints. And one moment I'm thinking, thank God I'm not those horrible people.

And the next moment I'm thinking, God, I just want to joint and I want to drink. And I'm. But I was doing it.

I was doing it. I was writing. I was becoming a member of something that before that I had just been sitting and taking up space and wanting you all to fix me

and wanting to come and tell you all my problems so that maybe you could give me a lawyer.

That's what I thought a A was.

And I kept going and I kept writing that stuff. And what happened

was that sponsor gave me a week to finish, and it took me 11 days because if you haven't noticed, I'm rather verbose. I, you know, it was long. I just kept writing and writing and writing. You don't need to write as much as I did, but it took me 11 days. And that was writing one hour every day. And that was with a crazy man who thinks he needs to publish a novel.

OK, a four step doesn't take that long to write.

He left the country and I realized that I either had this guy, Michael Brewer, or this other guy who was English. This English guy had 10 years. Michael had five months. And these people, see, they tricked me. They'd had me show up early for the meeting. They'd have me make people, they have tea over there and they'd they'd have me make espressos at this Friday night meeting. That was my job and I thought they were taking advantage of me

and they would have me when people came to visit, I would walk those people all around Prague

as long as they want it. Because I didn't sleep. I didn't. I just walked the people around and I did stuff and I told him things and I was I was doing something for other people. And I look back on it and I really think the reason I chose this guy who's still sober and has some children over there and things are great

is I felt like it would help him. This guy had done

dozens of fist steps. This guy hadn't done one.

Also, if I'm brutally honest, he might not be as harsh a critic as this guy. I thought maybe, you know, I thought they were going to whip me. Oh, my God. You did what? You touched her. Where you. Oh, God. Like, this is what I thought was going to happen. And what happened is, as I'm saying these things to this guy that I think are horrible, he's saying, yeah, me too.

You know, I told this guy that

a woman in my writing class, I was drunk, asked me how she could be a better writer.

And at the time, I thought, you need to suffer. You want to be a writer, you need to suffer. That's what Hemingway said, right? That's what a tough Iowa boy says. And I said she hadn't suffered enough. And if she was beaten or raped, it would make her writing better.

This is who I become when alcohol is in my system.

It's a horrible thing.

Horrible, horrible thing.

And he told me some horrible things that he'd done. And although it didn't change what had happened,

I got a little bit freer. Because most of what happens I see as people sit around with secrets,

if there's a problem of separation, and that's the ultimate problem. I will never be in communion with you when I'm holding on to a secret.

Because I'm different. No matter what you say or do, I am different because you don't understand. Because I can't tell you this and I can't tell you that and I can't tell you this.

I got back to, I made some amends. I was teaching kids over there and

like I said, I was, you would have loved me as a teacher. We smoked joints by the river and played hacky sack and and drank beer and I couldn't, I couldn't show up for that job anymore. That's how screwed up I was. I made amends to those people. I didn't those kids, I didn't do a formal amends. I went and bought them all pizza and I told them I'm sorry that I've let you down and I'm sorry that your new teacher is a shithead who doesn't let you smoke weed.

And, you know,

it was kind of the beginning. And then I went around and made amends to the places I was working for, the schools that I was working for, that I was stacking jobs on top of each other and not going to either of them and getting paid. I went and made amends to them. And then I went and made amends to everybody. And I called my sponsor who was in the States, and he said, slow down, man, Jesse James of amends, what are you doing? And what he meant was not slow down, but to talk to him

first before I did this.

And thank God I did. And so I get back to,

I get back to the United States and I'm about two months over and I'm, I'm lit up for the first time in my life. Something's different. And I'm excited. And I, I get to Iowa and I, I, I'm, I'm going to meetings there and my sponsors on the phone telling me you need to find some sponsors. You're going to die if you don't find sponsees. And I, I, I'm going to meetings and I'm, I'm trying to find sponsees and people are telling me you, you only have 2 1/2 months. You can't sponsor anyone. And see, he had taken me through the big book,

armed me with not just facts and knowledge about himself and myself, but about the history of Alcoholics Anonymous, About the fact that Ebby Thatcher was, what, six weeks sober when he went and carried the message to Bill Wilson that Doctor Bob was 16 days when they went and saw Bill Dotson in the hospital, that what they said to Bill Dotson, the third man on the bed, was all right, you've done this after a week, now go out there and give it away to someone who wants it and needs it badly. I knew all this stuff, but I didn't have my army behind me

and I started thinking screw these people, They don't know how to do a a correctly in Iowa.

And I got high for three days was just little stuff. And I come back down to New Orleans and I'm a month and a half sober and I'm

nobody in New Orleans was doing it right either.

It's true.

2008. I was going to meetings and letting them know they weren't doing it right.

And then I ran into some guys and they were talking the same kind of stuff that these people in Prague were talking. And what I realized they were talking was Alcoholics Anonymous.

I didn't know.

I thought the meetings kind of were Alcoholics Anonymous. And we started running around and I asked this. There were three guys who came up to me and this one guy was sober longer and he had a big beard and an accent. And I just, I just followed him around because I didn't he he was kind of intimidating and I didn't want to, I didn't want to ask questions that would make him think I was stupid. Like

where are we going or

when am I going to be home?

So I just went and the beauty of it, like these are the most beautiful memories. I was just talking to a guy in a treatment center and I said, man, you don't know how good you have it. You're sitting out there with hundreds of Alcoholics. Stop looking at them as people you think are bothering you and look at them as God's grace and an opportunity to change your life, and your life will change.

I think I just said it a little more eloquently than I said it to him. But

I started going with this guy and I got a Home group and I became a part of that Home group. And these guys, Brent and Sean were there and it was, it was 7 or 10 people.

And what was beautiful about it is what we were doing is all of us were talking about sponsorship. And the meetings I had been to before that when I heard somebody talking about sponsorship, you know what they were talking about? Well, I got to call my sponsor every day and I got to check in with my sponsor and I stopped calling my sponsor and I stopped going to meetings and I got drunk.