The CAWS convention in Fort Lauderdale, FL

Jessica, grateful member of Conan.

Let's see. Can I move it? Is it OK if I move it? OK,

All right. So what I've been taught by my sponsor is to share what it used to be like, what happened and what it's like today. And what it used to be like for me is I grew up. I grew up in Phoenix, AZ. I'm actually one of those strange birds that's from Phoenix, AZ. There's not a lot of us, but

I

was my was raised in an alcoholic and a drug addict

home. My dad was a very high functioning

cocaine heroin addict, which is very weird to even put into one sentence, but he was he was really high functioning I and and we had a lot of fun growing up. You know my parents were not abusive at all, very loving parents. My dad was the life of the party. He

taught us how to play poker at a very young age. And we used to have parties and they'd have, you know, they'd be drinking and

and smoking weed, but we didn't really know what it was except for we knew the smell. And I remember going over to friends houses

and they'd have their dad would have that same smell. And I was like, Oh, my dad does that too, you know, And I was like, she, I'm like, huh, you know, because we just didn't know, you know. But and they also had a cigar box too, Like they kept, they rolled their, you know, things in the cigar box. So they have the same cigar box, which is funny to me now looking back, But and it and it's funny now that I look at look at it, it was those kids that were like the dysfunction ones and the dysfunctional ones in in school,

Like we were kind of the same. We had, we had a connection with each other, you know, and I think it was already like that dysfunction or the isms coming out already at that age, you know, anyways, my dad,

I think I was about 13 years old. I, you know, let me back up. I remember when I was probably about eight or nine years old, my grandma was an alcoholic as well. And my 8th or 9th year old birthday, my grandma got really drunk at my birthday party and

we were on this merry go round and she felt like we were going too fast. And my grandma weighed about 125 lbs I think. And she grabbed on to the merry go round and the merry go round dragged her. She wouldn't let go because she was drunk, she didn't realize what she was doing and it just tore her up. And my grandma was the most important person in my life, like she was precious to me. And I remember thinking, I do not know how I would be able to live life without her. And it was really scary.

I had AI was probably about eight or nine years old and, and I was really scared. And I remember coming over to her house afterwards because they had to take her to the hospital and she had to get checked out and stuff. And I remember coming over to her house and she'd already been drinking again. And I was like, had high anxiety. I mean, I remember as a little kid, I remember walking in thinking, Oh, I hope she's OK. You know, what, what is she going to, what's going to happen, what she's going to look like? And I walked in the house and she was like a real fun drunk and she was just crazy.

And next thing you know, I look at her and she's doing a head stand. And I remember I was so mad at her because she just hurt herself, you know, And I'm like this little kid that's like eight or nine years old going, what are you doing? Like, you need to grow up, you know? And so I learned at a very young age the unmanned, you know, just like that behavior that's exciting and fun, but also not appropriate. It just isn't appropriate.

And, and so, you know, through my life,

you know, my mom worked really, really hard and my dad played really, really hard. You know, on top of being a drug addict, my dad also is a gambling addict. And I think when I was about 13 years old, one of my little sisters

super glued her eyes shut. And he was getting high in the bathroom. And that assisted my dad and hitting a bottom. And so he came out and told my mom that he was using heroin and that he needed to go to treatment. And, you know, my dad had had cancer when I was younger. And so, you know, for many years, even though like the chemo was three years ago, he was still blaming his nausea and vomiting from doing heroin on the chemo that he had three years ago.

You know, my mom was, I don't know, she was naive or exactly what it was, but she just,

she just continued to accept it, I guess. I don't really know. So he went to Valley Hope and he was inpatient there for a while

and he got into Narcotics Anonymous and got in, was sober. And it was really involved for the first few years. And as far as us as a family goes, though, like we would go on some of the trips with them and some of the picnics and learn some of the slogans, but we really didn't learn that it was a family disease.

We didn't learn. What I did learn is that it's hereditary. And if I smoke pot, there's a possibility that I become a drug addict. That's what I remember learning from my parents at the time. And I remember that they,

you know, that we would go and all the kids of the Narcotics Anonymous group, all of the kids would go and we would find a way to get in trouble. I remember one time we went on the one of the NA trips and there was like these other kids that we met and they were making moonshine

and we all like totally got into the moonshine at this NA trip as our parents are like celebrating recovery. It was really funny.

And so, you know, but our, our family did change and life did get better. My parents didn't argue as much. And my dad started talking about like these statements, like I feel this way, you know, and like just, he started communicating his feelings versus watching TV or going to the horse track 'cause that's what he did.

And I remember through being a kid and also to my somewhat teen years, you know, remembering that I just wanted to be one of his friends or I wanted to be a horse so he'd pay attention to me. Like that's how I remember crying in my room. God, why didn't you just make me a horse so he could love me the same way as he loves the horses at the track? And you know, I mean truthfully, that has carried over into my adult life. You know, the, the different not being fear, my fears of not being important

drove a lot of the decisions that I made in life with my relationships.

The fear of not being good enough, you know, the fear of emotional abandonment. A lot of that stuff really laid the blueprint for what my relationship career was going to be like. And you know, I don't blame it on my dad himself, but I do blame it on his disease, which is very different. You know, I've learned here that it's two different things

and which I'm really grateful for because I can love my dad. I just don't have to like his disease. So,

you know, I think I was about 15 years old and I-15 or 16 years old, and I decided that it was time to find a boyfriend. You know, everybody else had boyfriends. And I was really pretty naive. I had gone through parochial school from kindergarten to 8th grade. And then I went to this big, huge high school that was mainstream high school, which put me into shock

because going from a parochial school where there was, you know, only white kids there, truthfully, I mean, that was it. I think we had one person from South America to Central High School was like the ghetto, you know, It was pretty rough. I remember. And that was like the same year that my dad got sober too.

So I started there and, you know, and I was really a high achiever. I was really like a people pleaser, wanting to do the best. I was the oldest of four girls, always seeking attention through being better or perfect and doing it the best.

And it served me really well for for a long time up until probably about three years ago when it started being really destructive in my life. But

during that time, I, I

had, you know, was going to date a couple people and then I went to the mall and I was pretty, I was really, really naive. And I met this guy and he paid some attention to me and we sat and we talked for quite a few hours. And as he was working, we talked for a few hours and and I remember he engraved something for me and I think I was with my sister and we went and got him a rose, which is like totally ridiculous now that I think about it, but whatever.

And wrote down on this little flower card, you know, it's kind of like pure pressure. My sister's kind of like your chicken if you don't do this. And I couldn't be a chicken. So I wrote out like, you know, thank you so much. If you call me, I'll pay you back. And like, I'm like, you know, not the type that pays people back type thing, you know, at the time anyways. And, and he ended up calling and he ended up,

you know, coming. We went on our first date and after that first date, like I was part of his family,

it just instantly happened, you know, and I was almost 16 at the time. And his family, you know, I, I remember missing that. And like, we had a lot of fun in my family and we had a lot of love. My mom loved us, my dad loved us a lot. But there was this intimacy of that I was really seeking and unity for some reason, like my spirit was born for that unity. And,

and I'm sure that it was there. It just was never good enough

for me. I was always searching outside because what was out, what was always right here present and actually the courage to change talked about it today. But what what was here was never ever good enough. And even if I got what I wanted, it was still not good enough. I would still want more or to do get more or that person to like me. Not this person, even though now they like me. I want this person to like me, you know, and

I had, you know, went and, and met up with his family and they like played games and ordered Pizza Hut together and drink Pepsi together and,

and ate steak dinners. And his mom was, you know, wear makeup and, and really took me under her wing and really like taught me how to put makeup on because my mom was like hippie ish. So it was my dad, you know, they're like kind of hippie bikers almost, which is weird, but they were and

I just clung on to their family and, and, and what happened is that I got that fix that I was looking for from out here temporarily. And then when they started talking about how they had just they had moved here recently from Colorado because they gotten hit, the dad had gone in trouble because there was drugs in the basement.

And like that feeling inside like, oh, red flags, this isn't OK. Well, they had to do it, you know, And like, I just started making those excuses. Like they had to sell these things so they could live, you know, and and like I start those morals that I had internally started to kind of go awayside because I wanted to be part of so badly that it didn't matter what my internal self said anymore.

And,

and I went on for a long time. It did. I ended up getting into a lot of trouble in that marriage

emotionally, physically and spiritually, and

a lot of damage was done in that, in that relationship. My my husband was an, was an addict. He was an alcoholic. He really didn't drink a lot, but he was an addict, and not only an addict of drugs, but also an addict of a lot of other stuff that's really, really harmful to people's spirits

and

children's spirits. And

that put me into some really bad stuff happened in that relationship and it really rocketed me into a deep depression to where

I pretty much didn't sleep at all. I didn't.

I didn't live. I wasn't living actually. I was like a walking zombie. I just totally

exited life and I was, I mean, I almost like that batter woman syndrome type thing like that. I became brainwashed to a degree. Like once I would pull away and I would kind of get away from them for a little bit and I'd start feeling, well, what would happen is my brain would start going crazy and thinking about, well, trying to decide if he's telling the truth. Is he not telling the truth? What about this? What about this, what about this? And then I'd start making sense. And then as soon as I started making sense, it's almost like he knew it and he would come back and like

manage my brain. It was like being having a puppeteer with me, you know, which I was AI mean I was I graduated out of nursing school the day after I graduated high school. Like, I am a really strong willed person, you know, and so

he just, you know, he got into my brain and, and pretty much just completely stole my soul or, you know, I let him stole my soul. I didn't realize I was letting him at the time,

you know, but that's, that's what it felt like happened.

I, I became very scared of him. I became a very scared pretty much of everything that was outside of me, even me. I mean, there was nothing, there was no peace whatsoever. And I got to the point that I, I plan to get rid of him. And I'm grateful that I didn't talk about it out loud a lot because

I don't know if I would have been here today if I would have. But it made a lot of sense to me at the time because I didn't feel like there was any way out, you know? So

I

ended up getting pregnant, I had two children and became, you know, just really became an obsessed mom. Never, like I said, never slept, really just involved with them. I also, you know, exited with some substances as well. I decided, you know, I, I took the route of, you know, drinking and, and all that stuff. And today I know it was a tool that I lived by because I didn't have any tools to deal with it. And I'm grateful that I had that tool because I believe I wouldn't be here if I didn't have that tool at that time.

And so

he ended up, my son was probably almost a year and things got really bad between us. We hate crystal meth was a huge part of our home. And he started getting really violent and it was really, really ugly.

And I remember, you know, the insanity of it and lying for him and,

you know, and, and just the destruction, just the destruction that it was doing to me and the kids.

And my daughter was almost four. My son was almost one at the time. And he ended up getting caught stealing money at his work and he ended up having to go to jail. Now, I will tell you the day that he got picked up, I thought was the worst day of my life. But you know, it's really funny how this program works because what I realized is that those things, those dramatic life changes that happen for me

has always been God doing for me what I can't do for myself

always. It's never been in a place where it's not just a huge gift. And it's not because God, I mean God just I, I'm able to see it today. It's because he loves me that much, you know, and, and he ended up, you know, he ended up going to jail and ended up getting sentenced for like 3 months at the tent city and work for a low

and like the brainwashing stopped. And I actually, there had been a huge amount of secrets that were in my home that I had not told anybody except for his sister and his dad who supported the secrets. And,

and I really believed that I could never heal from those secrets. And I was going to probably be locked up for the rest of my life for going crazy. And one of my girlfriends, you know, I, I right after he went into jail, I decided I wanted to take the soul searching trip. And I was praying and, and I actually told her what the secrets were.

And, you know, it's just hard, you know, you just tell one person what's really going on and God has a little room to get in there to bring some light into that darkness.

And that's what happened. You know, we went to California and I remember I was on the beach and I was like, she's like, give it to God, you know, and I was totally not doing God's will at the time at all. I was like, my life was just crazy, crazy then. But she's like, give it to God. And I raised my arms and I was in the ocean and I grew up on the ocean. So I knew how to wave rides, ride the waves, wave rides, ride the waves and, and all that stuff. And

this wave came and hit, like, knocked me down and I, like, did a couple flips. And

as I'm doing the flips, like, my wedding rings were taken off and into the ocean, gone, gone. And it felt like God's hand took him off me. And I remember standing up and not being able to breathe because I knew what I needed to do. And I was scared to death, but I knew that I had, I don't know, like I was empowered by that. Like, OK, I hear you. We're going to do it. And I couldn't breathe. I remember just like, you know, all right, we're doing it, you know, And I came back to Phoenix and I filed for divorce

and I left them. And despite the fact of the threats that he made and, and

you know, I, I know that there's no way that people get out of that without a higher power. There's just no way because, you know, there was just a lot of threats, a lot of threats that my kids would be taken from me and, and I would never see him again. And, you know, and, and I don't know, something magically something happened inside of me. And so

I ended up leaving him and I ended up going back to, I think I was at my parents. I went back to my parents house and probably about, I don't know, two or three months after that, I had gone to a counselor and she had told me that because of living in the in the family of alcoholism, that I might want to try to go to Al Anon. And I was like, yeah, I don't think so. Like that, not so much. That's my dad's problem, you know, And she's like, well, you might want to check it out, you know? And

it's like, OK, you know, And that actually was the last time that I went to see her because I didn't really get anything from her. And so, yeah. And it's funny because it took me a while after. It probably took me another like year and a half after that to go to Al Anon. But

now looking back, I'm like, God, why? Why was I so stubborn? It's just amazing. I mean, I know we get here when you get here, but you know, I wish I could have, you know, saved a couple relationship pain issues. You know, it would have been nice, you know, and she told me you're just going to continue to repeat it. You're going to continue to repeat the cycle. If you don't go, if you don't get help, you know, I'm like, cycle. What are you talking about? You know,

so, and I did, I repeated the cycle. I, there was a guy that worked at my work and he, he said that he was in recovery and that he lived in a halfway house in Phoenix and he had four months sober. And I was like, that's awesome. You know, my dad, I remember my dad got sober and life got better. And so he's going to be like an awesome guy. You know, he's in recovery. And so I, and he had something in common with my family. So they're going to like him, you know? And so I started dating him.

And I think within a few weeks we ended up moving in together with two children and

my two children. And right before we moved in together, he relapsed and started drinking again. Of course, you know,

and I really, really thought I had some sort of power of his drinking, you know, and he had talked about his cocaine addiction at the time and I remember and, and you know, and he started doing pills and he started doing, you know, a lot of

just a lot, a lot of drinking and umm, I got to the point that I was insane with his drinking. And now I'm on round two and I'm like, how am I here again? How did I get here again? Like I just got rid of one a month, you know, a year ago. How did this happen, you know, and, and so I ended up going to his parents. His parents had told me about Al Anon and so and they lived in Sun City. And

I decided that I would try one of those meetings out because I was

at a loss. Like I was going crazy. I didn't know what else to do because I would come home and there would be vomit all over the place and I was working a crazy amount of hours. And like he was supposed to watch the kids, you know? Like he can't even not drink 4 quarts of beer by 10:00 in the morning, but you're supposed to watch kids, don't you know? You know,

and I and and I was just again, here I am and as powerless situation, you know, so I ended up going to this Al Anon meeting with his parents

and and I remember like a lot of them were talking about their children and I was their children's age. So it's kind of uncomfortable, but at the same time there was this peace and understanding and a breath of fresh air, like a, I could actually breathe in this meeting.

And,

and I, and it's like I went once and then I started going again and then I started going again and then I started going twice a day and then I started attending Al Anon and going and, and I've been in Al Anon for probably about four months. I think it was like three or four months. Now. I will tell you the reason why I was going to Al Anon at first was to get some tools to figure out how to get him sober. Like that's the truth. I was not, I still did not believe that I had a problem.

I knew that he was making my life unmanageable. I was in such great delusion that I really didn't see that I had harmed anybody, that I wasn't selfish, that I really didn't have a part. If he just got his crap together, then maybe we could have this family, you know, and that I so wanted, you know, and,

and it just, it just continued to spiral down and he's, but he started spiraling down. But was happening to me as I was going to these meetings, I started to get a little bit of hope and I started to get a little bit of strength. And pretty soon I started setting boundaries and pretty soon living in the situation that I was living with him in, with suicide attempts. And I think our first year together there was like 9 different treatment centers. I mean, it was insane. He was a real alcoholic.

And we ended up going to some of the family treatment centers and I went some of it to the family treatment and I really got a lot out of it. I, we went to, I think it was Banner Scottsdale. And, and I did, I learned a lot, you know, and I got started getting connected with people even more so in recovery. And I started really praying and I started to develop a relationship with God and I started to learn what the, you know, and I, I actually knew what the, what the powerlessness was

by this time. Like I learned that there was, you know, I think I remember being in the bathroom this one time and he was, I think he was thrown. I mean, he was like at the point thrown up blood and laying by the toilet and both of us were just crying. And he was so soul sick. And I remember looking at him thinking who is sicker? Like he can't control it. What makes me think I can like that is just insanity.

And I don't know, something changed,

you know, something changed. And I remember going to this Eleanor meeting and there was, umm, it was a pretty big meeting. And I remember my car, like I didn't know how I was going to fully get there or get home because my car was overheating. And my kids like look like orphan children. They didn't, I don't even think they had shoes on at the time. Their hair, my daughter's hair hadn't been brushed in a long time because I was trying to manage everything to make everything look OK and I couldn't anymore. Like I could not make it look OK anymore. It was done,

you know, and, and I pull up to this meeting and I remember they asked if there was anybody, any newcomers by this time I've been in now and I'm for probably about four, I think about four months. And they asked if there had been any newcomers. And I actually raised my hand 'cause I felt like it was the first time that I came in as a newcomer for me and not trying to get him sober. And that was really truthfully, that's when my recovery began was at that point. I mean, the other stuff it did, it got me to that point. I, I call it step zero. My sponsor calls it step zero. You know,

you get to step zero and then you start working on step one.

And I just remember I raised my hand. I felt like a total worm crawling into that to that meeting.

And I got connected with some really good al Anon groups out there and I got connected with this woman that is a black belt Eleanon who works the steps out of the big boat. And I started to,

well, I actually got actually that person I was a little bit scared to ask to be my sponsor at first 'cause she was real serious about recovering and I didn't know if I was serious, but I know if I was that serious

and so I didn't ask her. Plus she didn't have a star by her name so that helped. I was like oh good, it's not God's will I won't have to ask her. And so I asked this other woman and what was really funny because it happened to be her sister and I didn't even know that though for like 6 months I had no idea that they were sisters, which they look alike I have. And they both have a southern draw. Like I don't even like they're both from not Alamo TX but

it doesn't matter. Some part of Texas. Very small city

town. And so, umm, you know, and and I remember she started her sister started taking me through the stops and like my life completely started to change. I,

you know, I, I always like sought that power through a man or through circumstances or people to make me OK, make me happy. And now all of a sudden, like I was just doing the work in this Alalon book and out of AI. Don't know if I was doing the Avid book at that time,

but doing the Al Anon work and, and just showing up, showing up for meeting, showing up for service commitments.

And like I started a change. Like it didn't matter if he was at home drunk. I was doing my own thing, you know, and then and then I started to be like, this is not a safe situation for my kids to live in, you know. And so I remember,

you know, I had started getting really, really involved and I had gone to, I was working at a care center and there was this woman that I used to do some service work with. And she was actually a heroin addict that had overdosed and she was in the wheelchair paralyzed for the, for the rest of her life.

And I remember going to this church service with her and I was sitting right next to her and I was just in a bad place with a boyfriend I was with that was in the halfway house that, that was a real alcoholic started getting physical with me. And at that point I was like, I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore. And I was looking for an apartment that was like 2 bedroom apartment with a washer and dryer and a fireplace. And I, I had $400.00 budget. And I was really mad at God because he wasn't providing it. Like, didn't you see what I

doing? I was showing up to do service. We work with people. And I was like doing what I was supposed to, doing the next right thing in front of me, like my sponsors telling me to do. And and now, like, you won't give me an apartment to keep my kids safe. Like this recovery stuff just doesn't work, you know? And

and so

I ended up taking this woman to this church service and we were sitting there and, and I remember that he shared about something and then all of a sudden I like heard this is just temporary in your life.

And I remember looking at the heroin addict that was sitting next to me thinking, wow, like my dad did not have to go through this and he's a heroin addict. I did not have to walk this journey. And there's a lot of people that have harder journeys than I did. When I got here, I felt like I had the hardest journey in the world. And everybody should know why I am the way I am and then feel sorry for me and let me know it's OK. You know, it's OK, honey, You, you know, you continue to live like this. And we understand. And that's really not what people did when I got here. They're like,

have a choice. I'm like, huh, you know, you're continuing to stay a victim. And I'm like, Oh my God, if you say that victim word to me again, I'm going to put my foot up your butt, You know, I mean, I hate it. I hated the word victim when I came here and I, it's probably because I was being a huge victim, you know, And so

I just had, I had like a spiritual experience because I realized that my life was really good and I was just being selfish and that, you know, and I thanked God for my life at that moment. And I don't think I had ever thanked God for anything

pretty much. You know, I'd never had that perception. So my brain started to change like they talked about in the steps, you know, that psychic change started to happen for me and I started to become a mom, like a mom, a present mom, not just a mom that takes care of physical needs, but the mom that, you know, that I wanted to be like that. I would get that feeling of when you go on a first date with someone like that happy feeling. Well, at least that I get. I mean,

I started to get that when I was getting ready to pick my kids up from school,

you know, and I wanted to be that person. I just didn't know how to be that person. And I started being that person and I remember, you know, just my life really started changing. I mean, I, I'm pretty young. I I was 24 when I got here, you know, thank you, God, I do attribute that I did kind of know where to go because my dad was sober and, you know, and, and my life just really started getting better and better and better. And, and I remember that there was a, there's a part in the big book where it talks about if all of your ideals are ground

power greater than yourself, you'd then your life will be recreated. And I remember this one night I had taken my daughter to this church service and I showed up and like there was all these parents around us and everybody's married. And I was like the single mom there, which usually could put me right into self pity, you know, because I didn't plan. This is not the life I planned. The life I planned was to get married, have children, raise them, grow old together, open up Christmas presents with each other when you're like 70 years old and have false teeth and play,

you know, and play with each other, you know, like that is, I don't know about the self, the the false teeth that just came out, but

it just came out.

So anyways, but you know, really to and play games. And I had this ideal. I had this ideal, you know, and, and it was grounded in Jessica, though, because I never prayed about God guiding me, you know, and, and now I'm like praying for God to guide me. And I'm in this church thing that my daughter's out there and she's saying my God so big, so strong, so mighty, and he can do anything for you and you and you, and I'm so excited inside. I do not even see that I'm a single mom there with my kids and everybody else is married.

I kind of did, but I was so excited that I was like, wow, I'm enjoying this instead of looking like I'm different and I'm defective and they're judging me, you know, like I this is changing for me. And I remember how to I'm videotaping her and my heart is so big for her. And I'm like, how is this happening? Like this is so who I wanted to be, you know, this is what I wanted and nothing else. In fact, my outside world looked probably the worst that I have ever had.

I'm 20, you know, I'm 25 probably at this time and I'm at home with my parents living with two kids.

And I, I mean, and it was just absolutely amazing, you know, And so I stayed single for probably about four or five months because I have a addiction to needing to be loved, I guess. I don't know. And I met this guy that at a Roundup, ACA roundup and he was really nice and he paid attention to me and the kids and

and I remember coming home and calling my aunt on sponsor and saying we will not.

First of all, I needed to wait for a year until I was fully in the program for a year before I would actually date him.

And so and I only had nine months in the program, so I had to wait. So we just talked on the phone, we were friends for three months and then like literally within that year,

we we started dating. And I think within 30 days he moved in with me and my parents. And I remember calling my sponsor and telling her, though, I promise you I'm not going to let him move in for three months. I got a three month boundary

and I remember I was getting off I-17 on Bethany Rd. home. I remember the place and the turn when I was turning and I was called my sponsor and told her. And she goes, well, what about that commitment you made? And I'm like, huh, well, it's just temporary. It's just temporary. He's only moving in just until he finds a place. And she's like, you know, God bless her. Because The thing is, is what I've learned here is

we don't tell each other what to do. We honor each other on each other's journey. But she'll ask questions. She's got these famous questions and then she screws all my plans up with those questions. It sucks sometimes, you know? And so

so he moved in within the month. I got pregnant because I was irresponsible. I didn't think that I was pregnant. I took three pregnancy tests because they would lied. All of them lied to me and

and I and I was pregnant

and about a month and 1/2 after I found out I was pregnant we ended up deciding we were going to get married. And about a month and 1/2 after I was pregnant he relapsed and he ended up demolishing his work and he ended up in jail. And at this time we've he was on probation and had only been out of prison for three months. I didn't hear that when I he asked me out though, I did not hear that. I didn't hear that he had been in prison since he was 12 years old.

Now he's 30. Like I did not hear that. All's I heard was like, you're really pretty,

you know, I mean, that's what I heard. You know, I really like you. Your kids are adorable. I just want to be a dad someday. You know, those are those are really sweet words, my ears, you know, at the time anyways. And I didn't pray. I mean I did pray about it. And I remember I went and did amends to my grandma and it was right before we started dating and my grandma had passed away by this time and I was at her her March or her grave site and I was reading my MNS letter to her and I remember. So what are you talking to her? What do you think about Greg? And I remember like this

aunt came and bit me. It was like a red auntie and like my hand swelled up, you know, and I was like, oh, that's just a quinky dink. You know, it's not a sign, that's a quinky dink. So let's go with them, you know, and, and you know, of course that's, you know, self will, you know, and, and, and I do believe today everything happens in God's world. Nothing happens in God's world. By mistake, I mean, 'cause what ended up happening as I did get pregnant and my life felt like it fell apart. But again, God did for me what I couldn't do for myself. And

it having,

you know, my daughter Desiree has been probably one of the best gifts of my life on top of my other two kids. I really believe that she's an Angel on earth that came down to help heal our relationships

and, and to be able to, you know, me and Autumn had a lot of healing to do. And she, me and her would laugh. We would be so mad at each other and then Desiree would walk up and say something so funny

and me and her would just stop arguing and start laughing together, you know, and, and through my pregnancy, I was taking care of by the 12 step fellowships and it developed my relationship with God, a personal relationship with God that was unbreakable, absolutely unbreakable to where I was driving down the freeway. I had no idea how I was going to be able to pay for tags. My car broke down. I hadn't,

and I was pregnant and I was feeling sick. This police officer pulled up behind me. It was morning rush hour traffic. He let me get in his car, plugged my phone in to his car, call my dad, and then he stopped traffic, pushed my car off the road, and then drove me to Waffle House so I can get something to eat, you know, and that's the kind of stuff like that stuff didn't happen to me before I got into program, you know, 'cause I was like, I'm so grateful before it was like, whoa is me. I was, my nickname was Eeyore when I got here, before I got here by my old

that people call me, uh, because I was a lot of fun to be around. And so,

you know, and that, and, and things like that just happened and, and, you know, my, my relationship with my kids just continued to grow. And after that experience of him going to jail and, and, and I kind of really got to the point where I probably should stay away from relationships for a while. And, and I did, and I, I, I was by myself for close to about two years. I mean, I had some friendships, but nothing as far as a relationship goes.

And then I did end up meeting someone that was in recovery and he, he was just a really nice guy, really just a really nice guy, you know, and we, we just really connected, you know, we did go, we did go to the shoestring roundup and I got really scared and, and decided that he still, he was, he would just gotten divorced. And I had said that, you know, you need some time to heal. So it's not a good idea that we date. And then I started working my