The 4th National Annual Drug Addicts Anonymous Conference in Jensen Beach, FL

Brian B. I'm a drug addict.

I I guess we haven't really been praying anytime, but Joe just reminded me that it's not. It doesn't hurt to say a prayer every now and then. So if we could just start off with the moment of silence, we'll say the Serenity Prayer real quick.

Thank you, God.

Things I cannot change, courage change, things I can listen to. Cool. Thank you

also kind of brings us back each time from a group or from a break. Everybody's kind of crazy after a break and it's hard to get settled for a second. So thank you to everybody that's come up here and spoke and and it's just been a amazing thing already and that the speakers have been phenomenal. You know, I had the honor of helping to pick out some of the guys and gals that we've had speak.

So it's it's been exciting for me because that's that's one of the things that really got me going was listening to speaker tapes and then starting to to to go around different places in the country and and get different, different,

different vibes, I guess from different places, but the same message and and just some of the craziest knuckles I've ever knuckleheads I've ever met. And then when God gets ahold of us and things just change, you know, we're just heard from Joe what it would, you know, from everybody, the miracles that happen. One thing that that

I've noticed in in my life in the last few weeks, and it's funny, the 10th step again tonight, I guess Joe's loosely going to talk about that. But

as I've heard over and over again, we don't know what the hell God is doing

in our in our life. In my life, I just had an experience where I'm trying to make God do something in someone else's life and I have no idea what it is. My job is to be there, do what I can for this person and that's it man. I don't know what else. I have no idea what God is doing. It took every, every drop of every single thing, every granule, every hit a crack, every shot at every piece of pain and suffer and broken bones, broken hearts, everything to get me to where I was ready and willing to do this thing. So.

So I was, I got to travel a little bit in the last few years and, and go to some, some pretty, pretty amazing men's retreats around the country. And one of the first ones I went to was up in Nashville, up in outside of Nashville called usual suspects. And I met Joe up there and, and a whole bunch of other guys. And I guess everybody thought I was with them because I was from Florida and there's a whole bunch of guys from Florida that go to that. And I just fell in love with Joe and the whole group of guys that just I was a year and a half sober

thought, you know, I was, I felt like I knew all kinds of things and felt, you know, I once you recover, you feel like you learned some stuff. And and then I start to find out that just continue to set these old ideas aside and, and watch these guys with many years that are able to continue to grow and

carry the message and stay sober and stay happy for the most part. And Joe's just one of my best friends. I don't get to see him that often, but I love you, Joe. I'm so glad to have you man.

I

All right, let's take a dinner break.

I'm just going to listen tonight

a hunter take a picture so I can show my sponsor because now I'm taking the jacket off

and loosening the tie. It's great to be here. I love, I love our program of recovery and

thank you. Stay out of the pockets.

And

everybody locked their car. There's a lot of dope friends around here, man.

My name is Joe Krogan. I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict and, and I love being sober today and I love our program.

I can't wait to hear what I'm going to say.

You had all the good speakers already. You had the good Joe right before this. And I heard the speakers were great all day. And so, you know, that's about to come to an end. Johnny this morning and Ben and two of my favorite guys, man. And if you don't have somebody in in this program that you emulate, you won't grow. And I'm just following the men that went before me.

And thank you for letting me be here and for the invitation to come here. And anybody who had anything to do with putting this on. And hopefully you'll, you'll take this back to your home groups, into the people you sponsor, and you'll make a change in your own area. Are there a lot of people from this area around here? This is like my old stomping grounds here. I used to go. Anybody ever heard of Avenue D?

I was the mayor of Avenue D

I would, I would be selling, I used to sell cars here, in, in, in, in Fort Pierce. And I'd go into Avenue D dressed like this on Thursday night because I got paid on Thursday and come staggering out at the same clothes somewhere around Monday night or Tuesday. And

yeah, that was who that was a dark period. I heard they cleaned it up though, did they?

Damn I was going to go take a tour tonight.

My sobriety date is was nine days ago, September 12th, 1990.

So

don't. It's no big deal. I was in a coma for 28 1/2 years. The last six months have been a little tough, but

no, I am, I am blessed beyond my ability to be grateful. And

you know, I'm supposed to talk a little bit about the step 10. I'm sure I might get there somehow before this is over, but I

you know, and I got sober not far from here. I was in a Skid Row motel room on Power Line in Oakland Park Blvd. In Fort Lauderdale is when my last drink,

where my last drink was, and

so not from South Florida, you know, for years. I'm not originally from South Florida, but I moved there

and I was like 18 years old and my Home group is called Life's a Beach in Palm Coast, FL. I didn't, I came this morning from Asheville, NC. We we stay up there in the summertime. So

I kind of assumed in I'm sorry I didn't get to hear all the speakers. I really AM. And then but they have them recorded, so I'll listen to them on the way on the way home. I

Does anybody like crack?

Listen, I'm from South Beach. I lived in Miami. I moved to Miami 1970. I invented the Southeast Diet,

Scotch and cocaine.

Now that I hear they've changed it, but that was this. That was the South Beach. I was on that diet for a lot of years, man.

And I'm not going to go into too much about how I got drunk and got high. We all, I'm sure you've heard a ton of it this weekend and I, I got here five days before my 40th birthday. September 12th was five days before my 40th birthday. I had never been to a treatment center, never been to a meeting

NARAA, never been to a detox. I wish I would have known that there was these places that would, you know, drip, dry, clean you up a little bit, feed you, spend 30 days, get back on your feet, you know, Lube, oil, filter, rotate the tires and send you back out for another 20 K.

But I did, you know, I didn't know those places and thank God I didn't because I might have died.

I'm what they call, I think the book refers to it as a bitter ender. We had but two alternatives. Go on to the bitter end, trying to blot out the consciousness of our intolerable existence as best we can. And that's what was going on in my life at the time. And, and it talks about the, in our, in our book, it talks about the different types of, of Alcoholics and drug addicts. And I, I am, I go to Alcoholics Anonymous because where I got sober, there was no other programs. I got sober

and I got out of this treatment center in Miami and I went where every good 40 year old alcoholic goes. Mom, I'm home

and and, and it was in Central Florida. It was a little town called Lady Lake, FL. It's fondly known as hell. It's you got to be 1000 years old to live in that county. It's in Lake County, Florida. It's it's not Florida. It's southern Georgia is what it is. It's the redneck capital and it's the retirement capital. Everybody is old. They got old, you know,

uh, trailer park communities, manufactured homes, you know, and not

got out of treatment. And I moved in there and Joe was from that just spoke. Is Joe in here? There was a meeting. My sponsor, you know, lived next door to my mother and that's how I got exposed to this thing. And he used to take me to a meeting in Ocala and, and in Ocala was like an hour away and an hour back. And he was so old, you know, I had to sit in the car and ride with him in his Buick in Lake County. It's a law. You got to have a Buick. You know,

it's like all old people drive Buicks

fix and he would take me to this meeting. The only way you could get me to go to this meeting in Ocala is he told me, he says, oh man, you're going to love this meeting. He goes there's there's a lot of ex strippers there. So we he didn't tell me they were 80 years old.

But when you're living in a place like that, they start to look good.

Hey babe, want to go out for coffee?

I'm buying.

And so anyway, I,

you know, there's so much and you know, our stories, I've been around a little bit longer than most of you. So you can tell that my, my Home group, I said was Life's a Beach in Palm Coast, FL. I also have a Home group up in North Carolina, but we have a men's meeting that I'm especially proud of. Our usual suspects men's meeting.

A lot of these guys over here are usual suspects in every sense of the word.

And we we kind of started that meeting. It's been going now for about 10 years. It's not even listed into where and when. It started with five guys in the back of one of my offices. And we said let's take each other through the steps. We wanted to catapult our recovery and was about 10 years ago, maybe a little bit longer. And

we took each other through the steps and we had a spiritual awakening. Funny how that happens.

Promised. And we, I remember standing outside after the last meeting going, man, we don't want this to end. What should we do? And we said, how about if we do it again, go through the book again and let's bring our sponsees in. And they can bring their sponsees in. And there are nights where there's a hundred guys there and most of them are under a year and most of them are all young guys getting sober. And it's not even listed. It's not an invitation meeting. It's just an attraction meeting. It just it's more of a commitment

and I love that meeting.

We have what we call a newcomer starter kit. Did I tell you about the newcomer starter Kit

Because they're all so young. It's a It's a flat rim cap, vape, gun, energy drink, a phone with Plenty of Fish and Tinder already downloaded,

and an unused big book.

So we make these guys feel very welcome.

No offense if you got a flat room cap or your vape gun. See, I'm from the old days. We used to smoke. We were real men.

And yes, man, if you can't laugh at yourself in this program, you're in real trouble. You're going to be in real trouble. But anyway, I don't remember a lot about September 12th, 1990. I'm going to kind of, and I'm not going to talk about the good years. You know, there were the good years. They were the fun years. Remember, I mean from my first time getting high weather was a joint or a drink for my first time getting high I overshot the mark and I loved it.

I remember the first time I smoked a joint, I said I'm going to do this forever. And

but then it got replaced by other more important stuff.

And the same thing with drinking. I used to overshoot the mark with drinking. Every time I drank, I'd throw up. I was an embarrassment. I'd terrible drinker, but I love doing it and and I could I'm gonna moderate. I'm not not gonna get to that. I'm not gonna cross that line. But it was so bad I had to take medication and I that was cocaine.

I never threw up again for days, right? And

so on. And so those were the good years. And I'm an I'm an alcoholic and an addict as described in our big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Anonymous as a hopeless variety. And it and it talks about the different types in the doctor's opinion. I love this. And he talks about the type of alcoholic who's unwilling to admit he cannot drink or the other out type of alcoholic who's an addict who's unwilling to that, who thinks that after a period of sobriety they can use safely, Right?

And then there's the ones they talk about the the

the manic depressive types about which a whole chapter can be written. I wish they would have written it because I don't know what anything about that type.

And then they talk about the ones who are normal in every respect except for their alcohol and drug use. That's not me.

The other one that I that they mentioned is me. The psychopaths, that's me. They are always over remorseful,

always making many resolutions but never a decision. And that was me. I smoked crack at the end of my drinking. I smoked crack for about 8 years and I never had a pipe. I used a can

swear to God I when I talk, ashes would come out of my mouth.

And here's why you want to talk about a because every time I did, I'm going. This is the last time I'm doing this shit

till tomorrow and I remember throwing the can out and then having to circle back

trying to find we're coming and driving. Driving home on the way after you just copped and looking for a can on the side of the road. The beer cans are great, but when you get these old soda cans and they're filled with ants, you know you're

The adventures, right? The the adventures of

of our lifestyle,

but there were a lot of fun years in the in the drinking and drugging. It allowed me to do some things that filled that hole in me that I didn't know I had. And I didn't think it was the alcohol or drugs. I thought it brought the real me out and and I was one of those guys that was going to go on to the bitter end because I kept I can manage this. I can manage this. It's not that you know, that's not going to kick my ass again

and

but one day it

you don't know you can't stop until you can't stop and you don't know that until you try. And I didn't. I had a lot of good years. I own a bar on South Beach back when South Beach was just happening, you know, and I thought I was, you know, Don Johnson back then. Those was my Miami Vice period and and it was a lot of fun. But then one day

it just turned and I end up living in motels. I remember

when I really tried to stop. I was about 30 years old, I think I made my first feeble attempt at stopping and said, that's it, You know, I'm going to straighten my life out. I ran into some old friends from school. They had cars and homes and families and jobs like real people, You know, I'm 30 years old, living in an apartment with three other guys. And our only furniture is as big wooden spools you find in the construction sites, you know, And there'll be a box of pizza crusts in the fridge, you know, with this sign written on it. Touch.

You die. You know, that's the way I was living at 30 years old and what had happened to my life. So I tried to stop, tried to straighten out. I remember

and that's then then I opened that bar on South Beach. That's not a good job for an alcoholic or a drug addict. And one of my, you know, have you ever seen the movie Scarface? Those guys used to drink in this bar, the real life characters in that movie. So it was every day I would go towards the end, I would go, you know, get ready to go down. It was a a disco that was open. Disco is for you young people. It's a place where people used to dance

and and I would go down. It would open at 11:00 at night till like 5:00 in the morning

and then I had the tiki bar that was out by the pool in the daytime and and I would be coming down the elevator at night and

that's it. No matter what tonight, I am not going to get this engine started. Not taking a drink. And as soon as you walk in and as soon as you walk in, it was called Joey's on the Ocean. So you know,

I had a self esteem problem

and as soon as you walk in somebody's hey Joe, come on over man. Here, take a bump or here let's have a drink. And the next thing you know, you're off to the races and it would be the next night or two nights later

coming down the elevator, going no matter what. Tonight, I am not going to start. I am not going to start. I eventually drank that bar into the ground and was living in motels. Things got really bad after that. I don't know exactly the day, but the corner got turned and when I started living in motels and I now I'm really going to quit. I'm about 30-4 years old. I'm going to quit and I mean it. But something terrible happened in my life. I heard all these terrible stories from all these guys.

This was the worst thing that ever happened to me. My grandmother died and left me an inheritance.

A lot of money.

I can't quit now. Not now, right? This was enough money to change your life. Buy a car, buy a house, start a business, change your life. And she wasn't a rich person. She had eight grandchildren. She worked as a school teacher, work their way up to the board. Education saved every dime and gave each one of her eight grandchildren the same amount of money. They all used it wisely.

Mine was gone in about four months.

And because I said to myself, that thing, I'm just going to do one more good binge, get it out of my system, and then I'm going to use this money and straighten my life out. And that binge lasted for about four months. And at the end of that four months,

when it got really dark,

I was living in Port Saint Lucie and we had a little baby. My girlfriend got pregnant and

and back then this is not how I feel today and this is not a political statement or been not for controversy. But back then I thought a stand up guy would pay for an abortion. I don't think that that don't feel that way today, but that's what I thought. And I gave her money to go get an abortion and she but she was like me. She didn't spend the money on an abortion. And the next thing you know, we got a little baby coming little boy. And as crazy as it sounds, I thought maybe this little boy will make me sober up. Maybe, you know,

some of us have tried other things to sober up. And I thought maybe this little boil sober, sober me up. And I remember

I went to the hospital today. He was born. He was born right there in Port Saint Lucie Hospital,

went to the hospital and walked in the nursery, held that little boy in my arms and I fell in love with another human being for the first time in my life.

It was like somebody flicked a switch in my life.

I looked at that little boy and I held him and I made him all the promises that every dad would want to make his son.

You're gonna know you're loved. We're gonna be able to walk down the street with our arms around each other when we see each other. We're gonna tell each other we love each. I'm gonna coach you in Little League, in baseball, basketball and football. You're gonna, we're gonna have so much fun together. And I meant it. I cried Realty. I held that little boy and cried. I'd never loved another human being like that in my life. And I put that little boy down in the nursery

and I walked into the waiting room and there were guys like them, friends, a few friends of mine there. And they went, hey, let's go have a drink to celebrate the birth of your son

eight days later.

I don't even know how they got home from the hospital.

You know when they say no human power,

I still didn't know this, but that's that's a manifestation of no human power. The greatest love in my life could not get me to show back up. And once I drink, that's what I do is I drink. Once I take a hit or smoke a rock or do a line or any, I'm one of the lucky ones. Any substance I put in, I want more it. It activates that phenomenon of craving we talk about

now. So I had to go find a real job. I'm a father now, right? I got it and I'm 36 years old, 37 years old. I've never had a real job in my life.

I always work. Those jobs pay you cash so you can go out and spend that money at the end of the night. And I thought this meant being you were a self starter. The next morning you would wake up broke so you would have to go to work and

and what happened was is I I'm looking in the paper. I said what am I going to do? I'm not. I look in the paper, I see a job perfect for me. It says no experience necessary as a perfect I'm qualified

and I is who's in West Palm. So I go in and apply for the job. Now, this is back in the mid 80s

and a lot of you weren't there in the mid 80s, a lot of you weren't there in the mid 90s or you know, you're probably born in like the 2000s, weren't they? So anyway, back then they, there was a lot of drugs floating around. So they knew you did drugs. So they would send you for a polygraph and they would do a urine test do and and then they would run your credit. You know, my nose starts to run when I talk. I'm allergic to bullshit.

So I went, they, they sent me for all this from after my first interview.

I come back for my second interview, the manager sitting there with all the reports, he from the polygraph, the urinalysis, and he goes, holy cow, you lie, you do drugs and you owe everybody in the world money. You're perfect. When can you start? That's when I started selling cars.

It was a gift.

I was a natural at it. So and and I remember my first month selling cars from West Palm Auto Mall and my first month selling cars, the manager, you know, was kind of a character and he said, all right, kid, he used to call me kid and he was the same age as me kid. I'm going to make you my star. These see all these guys out here, they were like 18 salesman in this store. They're all going to hate you. I go, I already feel inferior enough

and at the end of the month

they have a big meeting and a handout Commission checks and there were all of the salesman in the room and I remember we called it Joe Krogan come on up and gave me a Commission check and he gives me a Commission check for $7500. Wow, my first legitimate job this what was I worried about? This stuff isn't that hard, right? And then he calls me up after and he says and a salesman of the month and he hit all the bonuses. He calls me up again. Another check for 4500.

If you're new, I'll do the math. It's 12 grand, so you don't have to spend the rest of the meeting trying to figure it out. You can go back to looking for her or him and judging the speaker. And

like, like we do and right? Did you find them? Now you can pay attention now.

So he gives me these checks, my first month, salesman of the month, 12 grand. I left that dealership and I go up to the boss. I said boss, I got to go show a car. I'll be back right after lunch

16 days later.

Now wait, that's not the crazy part. The crazy part is this. On day 16, I get up and put a shirt and tie on and go to work like nothing happened.

They don't even know me. They don't even recognize me. Who is this guy? I was almost gone more than I was there and and the manager takes me and he yells at me for a little while. He says great. He said.

He cursed me out for about 40 minutes. He says now get out there and sell a car. I went, oh, I love this job.

And

so

I, I started making some money. But, and, and if, if you know, and I'm sure you do or you wouldn't be sitting in this room. I love when people go to say they came to AA or NA or DA and they go, yeah, I came on my own. Nobody comes on their own, man. This is not on your bucket list of places to go to. This is gun to the head recovery.

You got to be out of options, out of ideas. OK,

I remember walking in my first meeting going, I wouldn't even drink with these people.

So

you can keep the wolves away from the door If you're making good money for a while, but you can't make good money for a while, sooner or later your life is spiraling down. And we bought a little house in Port Saint Lucie. I bought a car, established some credit, bought a car. And probably within a year and a half, two years, you know, hit losing the one job, showing up for another. Because in sales, if you have a good reputation, they'll always give you another chance.

As long as you don't kill the owner, they'll hire you back, you know? So, but I was running out of places to work and and

they foreclosed on that house, repossessed the car. And I've got my little boy now, he's just about a year and a half old. And we snuck out of that house in the middle of the night in a $300.00 beater, you know, car that was just a piece of junk and I didn't ever paid for it too. They even repossessed my $300.00 car

and we moved to that motel room in Fort Lauderdale, that Skid Row motel room in Fort Lauderdale with my son and his mom. And that's where we spent the last six months, unemployed and unemployable and, and it was hell, but I'm thank God for it. You know, some of the worst things that ever happened to us were some of the greatest lessons that I wouldn't be. Brian talked about it.

You wouldn't be here. I had to take every drink, smoke every rock, do all those terrible things. You know, in a, A, we come in, in NA, we come in and we talk about,

well, I didn't get sober to be a doormat. My problem is not being a doormat. My problem is making people doormats. I was always that guy. There were two types of people in this world. The ones whose backs I was stepping on to get to the ones whose asses I was kissing. And that's how I live my life. It was just, if I, if I knew you, I had to get something from you. I used to say, I know you. I owe you.

And that's the way it was. And

we're in that motel room and things are getting really bad. But this is when and we were there for months. You, I move into a place you can't Get Me Out. The jaws of life can't Get Me Out of there. You know, they had stickers on the door and they were going to call the sheriff. And finally on the last day, I think it was the very last day,

a miracle. This is where my best thinking took me. My best trying to figure out life. 40 years old trying to get make them. I never woke up one day in my life and said today I'm going to burn my life to the ground.

I always woke up, said today I'm going to be as successful as I can be, even if it meant just getting a $20 piece or a six pack

and just to get a buzz. And I discovered the problem in that motel room because I never knew what the problem was.

And for the four or five, six months that I was there, I would go on binges. Anybody like binges?

That's how I drank. I don't, I don't stop. I run out. I don't know how you do it. That's how I drink and drug. I never once said, has anybody got any Tupperware? I want to save this crack for tomorrow.

That was never happening. It was and I don't stop. I get caught. Something has to happen to stop me. And

I would wake up. Remember this. Maybe you can relate to this. They talk about alcoholic torture in the doctor's opinion. Well, I'll tell you what that looked like to me. It was not when I was drinking or drugging. The alcoholic torture is when I would crack my eyelids open after a binge, remember that, And I would open my eyes and I go, damn, I'm not dead. I wasn't suicidal, but I didn't want to wake up anymore in my life.

And and then the panic would set in because you'd look around and you go, damn, it's all gone.

The booze is gone, the drugs are gone, the money's gone, the jobs gone. One more time, it's all gone.

And then I would do what I call the alcoholic dance.

I would look at my little boy in that crib and I would cry real tears. He had filthy diapers. He had a bottle that used to have milk in it, but it was just cloudy water. And

and I would look at him, I say that's it. I'm done.

So I'm I'm going to straighten my life out. I'm going to be a dad. I'm going to pay the bills. I'm going to get some food in here. I'm going to change now. I'm going to change and and I don't understand what I'm doing. I don't understand. See, I think I thought you had to want to stop, to stop.

I didn't know. I never wanted to stop. I didn't. I don't know how why you came here, but I did not come here because I wanted to stop smoking crack. No, that's not. And I realized that on September 12th, my sobriety date. But I don't remember a lot about September 12th. I remember a hell of a lot about September 11th,

and on September 11th I woke up and did that. That cracked my eyelids open. Damn, I'm not dead. Then it's all gone. The booze gone, the drugs gone, jobs, everything's gone. One more time. Look at my little boy, cried Realtors. And here's what happened. To that point was my best effort, what my best effort had done with my life. And from this moment on, this is what God's done with my life.

I said, I looked at my little boy and I cried in his filthy diapers and his watered down milk in that crib. And I just. And I said, that's it. I'm going to turn my life around. And there was a voice inside my head that said, no, you're not.

And I couldn't buy the lie. One more day I didn't want to stop.

Matter of fact, I understood the problem that day. See, I had been waking up and treating my illness

like a non alcoholic would treat it. See, a non alcoholic would wake up in that motel room and go, Jesus, that's it. I'm out of here. I'm paying the bills, getting a job, straightening my life out, becoming a dad. If I could have done those things, I would have. Our book says we had a moral and philosophical convictions galore,

but we could not live up to them. I see I kept waking up making many resolutions but never a decision. I couldn't live up to them. I had the the needed power wasn't there. And that day I knew it for the first time and I finally made a decision that changed my life. And this is the day before my sobriety day. And the decision I made was 'cause I said I'm never going to wake up feeling guilt, shame and remorse anymore. I know I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. I'm

die this way, I said. I'm going to do whatever it takes to drink and drug until I die.

And now no and I'm never and I can. I'm going to quit quitting. No more am I going to wake up and say I'm done. I went full steam ahead

and I didn't care anymore. There was nothing going to hold me back on that day. And

let me tell you what happened. God showed up in that motel room

and he was fat and bald.

He was my brother. There was a knock on that motel room door that night and I was sitting there on September 11th in a stupor. My little boy was being ignored in the filthy diapers and with that watered down milk because I couldn't look at him. I couldn't stand the pain and I understood what my problem was that day. My problem was not alcohol or drugs. My problem was not enough alcohol or drugs.

See, the alcohol and drugs worked. I just couldn't stay high.

I had to sober up. And when you sober up, the the wasted life was on me and it was so bad. That's alcoholic torture. That was the alcoholic torture. That's what I wanted to escape. If I could have just stayed drunk and high, I'd have been okay.

And that night there was a knock on that motel room door. Now, I don't know about you guys or how you use, but at this point you're drinking. You do not open the door. OK? There's tape on the people. No light can escape,

right? The But that night I got over in my stupor and I opened the door without even looking. And I know why. And I for years I thought about it after I got sober. I go, why did I do that? I mean,

and I know why today because I didn't have to hide anymore. I knew I was an alcoholic and an addict and I wasn't pretending to be something I'm not. There was No Fear anymore. And I knew Publishers Clearing House was not outside that door with the balloons going, hey, man, we got the big check. My life was was over as I know it and I didn't care. And my brother walked in and he didn't lecture me. I believe this was divine. He said the only thing that would have got my attention. You know what talks talks about it in our book

says what seemed at first a flimsy read proved to be the loving hand of God. When you get here, if you're like me and some of you know what this is like, your life's hanging by a thread

that's that flimsy read. And we come and we go, and the chances are improbable that it won't break, but we come and guess what happens? We start doing this stuff. We don't believe in it, but that

string doesn't break. Your life's hanging by a thread. That thread doesn't break. And that night was that flimsy read. He didn't come in, he didn't lecture me, he didn't say because it wouldn't have worked. Did any that ever work on any of us? No advice ever work on anybody? No yet go to our meetings. That's all you hear is advice, like it's going to work.

So he walked in and I could see the horror in his eyes and he didn't say anything

but he looked at me and he put his phone number down and he said if you want help I will watch your son while you get help.

And that was the only thing I believe he could have said. That last thread was my son because I knew the ship was going down. I just wanted somebody to take my son because I didn't care anymore what was going to happen to me and it was going to get there. I couldn't keep the the lie alive anymore

and

the next day is September 12th. I woke up and I made that phone call.

I didn't want to stop. I just didn't want him to die. I wanted to die, or at least I wanted to use until I didn't know I was dead,

because at the end I used to pray. Please let this hit be the one that stops my heart. Please don't let me wake up.

And I'm not a white wine spritzer alcoholic.

And I've found out that I'm not a white wine spritzer. I can't do white wine spritzer recovery either.

And I found that out the hard way.

I still didn't have, I have no idea what AA was or NA or any meetings or detox or treatment. But the next day I called, I had heard about treatment center. So I said, all right, I'll do treatment. And I and I heard there was a couple old musicians that had gone to treatment and now we're playing music and, and they straighten their lives out. I said, I'll go to treatment. Now I'm looking for the treatment center, you know, with the Olympic pool and the weight room and you know, this is down in Miami. I30 day. I knew it was 28 days or 30 days, a little sun. I'll be fine. I'll be back on my feet.

You know equine therapy? They had equine therapy at my treatment center too. They told you you're a horses ass. What they told you

that was very quiet therapy and it was a treatment Center for indigents, for homeless people. And it was six month treatment center. And I remember the night I got there was my 17th birthday. I mean, my 40th birthday was September 17th, my 7th. And and I was standing outside with the rest of the guys that were all young guys in there. I was the oldest guy in the treatment center trying to be cool, right? Trying to be the coolest guy in the treatment center.

Yeah, what a fool, right?

And I used to go, you know, I talked to these young guys, you know, I owned a bar on Southeast. They used to call me Miami Joe. Nobody called me Miami Joe. I called me Miami Joe. You're really pitiful when you got to give yourself a nickname.

Right. But we're standing outside and we're not vaping. We're smoking, OK? And this kid pulls up. This, this, he was 27 years old. He gets out of the car and he's got nice pressed pants and he's got a collared shirt on. And it's Friday night in Miami. Now. I know Miami. I love Miami.

There's a lot of places I'd be in Miami, but in the hood in a treatment center. This treatment center was in the hood because I used to buy crack right around the corner. I

and he gets out of his car and I think we're, he's going to have a clap. We're going to have a class. I don't know what he's doing there. And he comes in and I'm looking him, sizing him up and I'm going, man, I bet I could do this gig. I wonder what they're paying him. And but he had, you know, and we always say in meetings that if you want what we have. Well, he had what I wanted. He had a wristwatch and a full pack of Marlboro Reds. If I could get my hands on those, I'll be out of here, you know, and he's in a nice car and he's and I don't recognize