The New Horizons group in Bend, OR

Please allow me to introduce our speaker for today, Beth from New Horizons. She'll be speaking on Step 5. Thanks, Steph. Appreciate the intro. And my name is Beth. I am an alcoholic. New Horizons is my Home group and I have a sponsor and

my sobriety date is October 22nd, 1990. And I want to thank Carrie for asking me to lead this meeting.

In my estimation, you know, I think it's perfect that I'm actually,

umm, speaking on the 5th step. And the reason why is because I just completed a fifth step with the sponsee yesterday.

And I'm, you know, it's a privilege to do so. And so I just think that the first step seems to be coming up for me pretty consistently, probably for a very good reason.

I also want to welcome our visitor. I'm so glad that you can be here. And you know, I am actually sober by the grace of God and the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous,

you know, before I got to the rooms of AAI was

very confused about, you know, my place in life, my place within myself.

Umm, I didn't fit in. I felt, I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin, very awkward. And once I found alcohol,

that seemed to make everything easier. And it worked for a while,

and then alcohol stopped working. It actually took control over my life and you know it. It basically robbed me of every freedom, every relationship.

It, it robbed me of myself esteem. It robbed me of, you know, the trust that I had in relationships and, and I interfered in every area of my life. And so by the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, I was a wreck.

I was so full of fear, so full of shame from what I had done and become

that I was almost unrecognizable to myself. And you know, what I, what I will say is, you know, preceding, and I think this is relevant, at least for me, as it relates to the fifth step, because what was relevant for me before I got to the rooms was an attempt to try and,

you know, figure myself out or try and solve my problems. And so I went to counselors and I went to therapists and I went to psychologists and, and I tried to work on myself, you know, and understand what truly ailed me. And, you know, often times I was told, you know, by the therapist listening to me, you know, that I was very insightful,

you know, But what I have come to understand and what I knew at the time

was that there was much that I did not share with that therapist, that counselor, that psychologist.

And so that psychologist could never have helped me because I was not being fully honest about what was really going on. In fact, alcohol in my drinking never came up, as, you know, a potential issue to even discuss, you know, and I was an escape artist. You know, I had practiced on how to lie by omission. I had practiced on, you know, deceiving others about the true nature of what I was doing or who I was with or where I was

going or how much I was drinking or all of those things. And, you know, so I got very practiced at it and it was a way of keeping me

in a place of feeling safe, you know, because if you didn't really, if you didn't know what was really going on with me, I had a better chance of being accepted. And, you know, it was also, you know, a way for me to not actually have to take a look at myself

very hard because if I had enough friends around who could support me, you know, with whatever kind of deception I was pushing that day, you know, that was, that was good enough. That was satisfactory, you know, But there came a point, like I said, where that did not resolve my problem. And I landed in the rooms of a A and, you know, I was,

I was able to finally identify, you know, that I was an alcoholic.

And while alcohol was but a symptom of what truly ailed me, it was told to me early on that I needed to get a big book. I needed to get a sponsor, and I needed to start working those steps. And so I did that.

I I picked a woman who I thought, you know, when I listened to the story of where she came from. She was one of those motorcycle riding

hard women who had been transformed into a woman through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

to a woman who had, you know, the gift of a beautiful smile, a warm and loving heart

and a willingness to serve. And I saw in her what I didn't have. And so I trusted her to begin doing the steps with her. And you know, she was very, very

gentle but firm with me. She was very clear that we were going to work out of the Big Book. And so, you know, when we got to the inventory part, which precedes the 5th step, you know, she showed me in the Big Book

how to go about doing that. And you know, she had created for me a sense that I could probably trust her. I mean, I couldn't trust anyone and certainly not women. By the time I got here, man, women were suspect all the time. They'd sooner stab me in the back then then be my friend. So I was always suspicious. But she was someone who I grew to gain confidence that helped guide me. And I'm so grateful for that

because in my estimation, God put in my life exactly who I needed. And you know, as a result, you know, she prepared me well,

you know, through the steps, and she prepared me for the 5th step. And So what I love about this fifth step,

you know, once I did all my writing, my inventory, I wrote everything out.

You know it, it tells me here on page 72, you know, where the 5th step does begin and the chapter is headed into action and it's chat and it's, you know, labeled that because this is an action step, it's the first attempt at really bearing myself to another human being. And you know, it tells me that

in in the first paragraph, now

the inventory, these are to be cast out. The defects that I find, these are to be cast out. And this requires action on our part. And the action in order to cast those things out means that I have to admit to God,

to myself, and to another human being. And this is the fifth step. The 5th step is actually admitting all these things to another human being.

And it tells me, you know in here as well that you know, solitary self appraisal is insufficient. You know, because I know for me, I was very practiced at only giving the bits and pieces of me that I thought were digestible to you

that wouldn't make me too uncomfortable, that would allow me to get what I needed or would allow me to be in your good graces. And, you know, so I was practiced at that.

And what this step is telling me is that, you know, it's the first step in which I'm being completely vulnerable

with all parts of me where I am no longer holding on to secrets, where I am showing myself for exactly who I am and what I have done. And you know, the benefit for me in doing this. And it tells me in the second paragraph on page 72, the reason why we do this and why solitary self appraisal, self appraisal is insufficient

is if we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.

You know, if I avoid this and I look for an easier, softer way, which I was in the habit of doing all through my drinking career,

this was a point where it tells me that if I don't take this step, I may very well drink.

And it had been proven before by those that had come before me. And so my sponsor was very, very clear with me. She says, you know, this is written in this book for a very good reason. And This is why we take this step because if you are willing to go to any lengths, Beth, then this is part of what you need to walk through. And, you know, she was so kind with me in in assuring me. She says, listen, I've heard a million

fifth steps and she says there's nothing that you could have done that I haven't done myself or

you know, that I haven't heard before. She says, so you know, you are good with me. You are safe with me. And this is in confidence. And, you know, she really expressed to me that the the level of confidence that that she would regard with my inventory, with my sharing with her was, you know, something that, you know, I stretched myself into believing that I could trust.

I mean, what did I have to lose?

If I was unwilling to do this, then I might risk drinking. And I didn't want to drink anymore,

you know, so. So the fear of that, you know, became less than the fear of drinking again. And so as a result, you know, I was able to complete a fifth step with her. And you know, what I know to be true

is, you know, I know that that was a very humbling experience for me.

You know, I, I have had the experience through the 12 steps. Every one of these steps is a process of humility. And what I've come to understand about the 12 steps and how they work in my life is that as I'm going along through each step, is that every time I am humbled, it opens up more space for a God of my understanding to work in and through me and to develop, you know, the person that I'm supposed

to be, not the person that I was by the time I got into the rooms of AA. And you know, the, the beauty for me is that I am no longer leading this double life. You know, it tells me in here, you know, that that's, that's something that ails all of us, right? We lead this double life where this actor out there before, you know, we understand what truly ails us.

You know, I want to enjoy a certain reputation as it says here,

you know, but in deep down inside, I don't know that I deserve that. I don't know that I deserve, you know, this reputation that I'm trying to promote. And So what this does, what this step does is it starts to reconcile. It starts to bring into harmony and bring into congruency. You know who I truly AM,

and there is no shame in being honest about that because I don't have to remain that same person.

You know what I love about? You know, the completion

of a Step 5, then it tells me on page 75, you know, where we are, get where we gain promises. And it says here, you know, once we have, you know, looked into every nook and cranny of our character and we hold back nothing,

we can look the world in the eye. We are, it says. Here we can be alone at perfect peace and ease.

Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.

We now begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on a broad highway, walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. And, you know, I will say that while it was,

it was an exhausting thing for me to do a fifth step with my sponsor. But I will also say that there was a lot of relief.

You know, there was a relief in knowing that I had done what was right. I had done the best job that I could

of being of excavating down to the very root of the things that had caused me trouble.

And I could see myself accurately. And with the help of a sponsor, you know,

I couldn't have seen as much as I was able to glean without her input. You know, because when I think about my inventory, much of my inventory was such that I was, I was able to identify certain defects, but she helped bring about a deeper perspective around some things that I would never have understood

or gained without her insight and without her experience.

And I will say this,

you know, she reminded me,

umm, that anything that came about as a result of the fifth step

was, you know, a result of God revealing to me what was necessary.

And So what precedes every inventory, every fifth step that I do responses, Is a prayer, a prayer before beginning?

It can be several different kinds of prayers. Many people use different prayers. I will often use the set aside prayer

to begin a fifth step, you know, because the truth is, is that I am but a conduit. When I do a fifth step with another, with another woman in sobriety, I am but an instrument. I am not the solution. I do not have the answers. A higher power does. And a higher power is what we invite into this process because that is the only way that we heal.

Of myself, I am nothing. The Father doeth the works, whether I'm on the receiving end of a fifth step

or whether I'm on the end of helping with a fifth step. So I'm so thankful, you know, for this process. And if you any of you are nearing this step and it's a little trepidatious, you know, one of the things that I know that has been helpful to me is talking to other people who've already experienced that and talk to them about the freedom

and the path that they have gained as a result of, you know, the benefit of the fifth step.

I know that for me, it was absolutely essential to my recovery.

And I am so grateful, you know, to those that have come before me to show me how to do this.

And for the sponsor that I had who walked me through this fifth step, you know, so that I could find, you know, absolute freedom from alcohol and a way of living and being in my own skin, you know, that is beyond, you know, what I could have imagined. I'm very grateful. So with that, I will say thank you.