The Co-anon meeting at the Cocaine Anonymous Arizona area convention in Scottsdale, AZ

Welcome to the 2014 California Area Convention of of Conan Family Groups in Phoenix, AZ. My name is Jessica and I will be your chairperson.

Would you help me open this meeting with a moment of silence, followed by the stern labor?

Thank you God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Conan Family Group is primarily for you who know or have known the feeling of desperation when there is a problem of addiction to cocaine or other mind altering substances and someone near very near to you.

We have traveled that unhappy Rd. too. We found the answer in serenity and Peace of Mind with whether the addict is still using or not.

OK. I would like to take this opportunity now to have Pat come up and introduce our speaker, Donna M.

Hi, Pat. I'm Pat and I'm a Cohen on

When I was asked to be the person to introduce this wonderful lady, I just felt so honored.

So here's my introduction.

Peanut butter and Jelly,

salt and pepper.

Donna and service

Three years ago I came into the Co Anon room broken, scared and very confused and then after time I found a very shining light and her name was Donna M

I heard her story and I said this has got to be fiction.

How can anyone live through her horror, feel her pain, experience destruction

and emerge such a beautiful soul,

feeling serenity with the tools to rebuild her marriage, her life, herself? She didn't run away.

Donna is the most caring, compassionate, loving, giving

and willing individual that I have the pleasure to know.

She has helped so many people, not only in the Valley and the state, the United States, but now internationally.

She is able, through the help of her higher power, to dry tears. Give hope.

Accept

and love With great pleasure I introduced my sponsor, Donna M.

Hi, I'm Donna, a very humbled member of Cohen on See, I'm notorious for crying and they make me cry before I even get up here. So Jessica said that was the point as I I'm like, you're great.

Thank you so much, Pat. That was a lovely introduction.

You know, for me, this is

such a family disease and that's why it's so important to me to carry the message. I always get kind of have trouble breathing at the beginning, so you guys have to bear with me.

I am the let's see if I can get this right. The granddaughter, the niece,

the wife, the mother, the

aunt, the cousin,

the sponsor, the sponsee of addicts and friend of addicts. And so it touches my life in every single aspect.

But you know, I didn't start out that way. I didn't understand growing up. I was thinking about this earlier today.

You know, watching the movie Saving Mr. Banks. Whoever's seen that, I watched the joy be robbed from that child,

and as the woman became an adult, her joy being gone. Excuse me. And I thought about my mother

and I was doing a few years ago, I was doing a taking all the old movies and the old

VHS's that my parents had taken. And I realized my mother didn't smile in most of those. Now my mom was really active. She did like absolutely everything, Denmother, you know, church leader, all of that stuff. But she never really smiled. Her joy had been robbed by her alcoholic parents,

and they didn't mean to do that. It was just life, you know, when she didn't understand that that's what had happened to her. And, you know, that's what this disease does to the families. It robs them of their joy. It robs them of their laughter. And,

you know, that's where this this disease is a very deadly disease on both sides, you know, not just on the attic side. You know, there, unfortunately, they don't talk about how many people commit suicide or homicide through being involved with addiction. And so that's why it's so important to me to carry the message. And

so a little bit about my history.

You know, I,

I am not the kind of person to want to fix people. I wanted to have fun and I always liked the bad boys.

I love to party myself.

And that was just, it was all about having fun. I grew up. My parents evidently didn't know much about birth control. They had four kids in five years. So we were kind of like a pack of wild dogs, you know, we just kind of ran and and did whatever.

And,

you know, so it was all about having fun growing up. And it was all about, you know, the guys that were entertaining and, and, you know, partying and all of that. And, you know, when I met my husband, I really didn't think about addiction. You know, he was fun, he was funny. He, you know, was charismatic and, you know, he was very upfront about his heroin addiction that he had kicked. And

I didn't think anything about the drinking and cocaine. I mean, cocaine's non addictive and, you know. Yeah. And so, you know, the drinking, I didn't really think that much about, you know, 'cause we were out having fun all the time and

oh gosh, I think it was less than a month or maybe right around a month of dating. We were at Bobby Mcgee's and decided to drink through the entire drink menu and

decided to get engaged and I immediately. That sounded like a really good idea. Get in gate, not only get engaged, move to Oregon

and no jobs, no place to live, but just moved to Oregon because that's where all the old hippies went. And it just sounded like fun adventure, you know, not understanding addiction, You know, for me it was let's let's go. And of course, I immediately after that went in and passed out in the bathroom and closed the bar down. And that's without being an addict alcoholic. That's just the craziness in my head.

And so we got married. Things went relatively well. Of course, Oregon didn't last very long. We didn't check into how expensive out of state tuition was, and we didn't have jobs. And so we moved to California and things started getting a little uncomfortable there. You know, he was partying, I was working all the time. He was partying and going to school,

and so we moved back to Arizona. You know, this is the roller coaster ride, right?

So we moved back to Arizona. We, you know, start working and and getting our feet back on the ground again

and then we decide to open a business in Texas. So then we moved to Texas and then the addiction just took off because we had money and

you know,

after a while his, our business partner thought it was best to for him to move to another city and without me, which kind of helped fuel his addiction. And you know, so it just keeps going and going. So that gets worse so that we move back to Arizona.

And so, you know, things start getting better again. We have hope. We have, you know, we also have our cars taken away and repossessed and we're living with my mom and dad and we decide that that's a really good time to grow up and have a baby. So again, alcoholic thinking. But you know, I'm just along for the adventure and the ride and fully participating, by the way,

and I'm not a victim in any of this. I thought it was a good idea too. So we sat down and we talked and talked about the fact that,

OK, it's time to grow up now. No more drugs. We're just going to have an occasional drink. When we go out to dinner, we'll have a bottle of wine. And we both really, really meant it. You know, we both really meant it. And problem was, he could not stop. And, you know, I did. And that was the end of my my partying. And,

you know, I just didn't really see where all of the insanity of living this way had taken me. I was telling talking earlier about

umm, you know, the craziness of the disease and I still did not think it was addiction. I just thought he was a little bit out of control and it was circumstances. And I was talking about when he as a businessman, he always wore long sleeve white shirts and but he was also shooting dope at that time. So he would have little blood marks on the inside of his sleeves and

thinking that he was sneaky, he would chew the

the blood mark out. So he would have like a raggedy little thing here on all of his sleeves. So one day, one day I decided it was a good idea just to cut all the sleeves off of his shirts.

And, you know, that's the insanity of this disease. You know, instead of sitting down and talking about, you know, hey, I think there's a problem. I'm just going to cut the sleeves off. And then you're going to have to try to figure out what you're going to do with it from there. And so just the craziness of, of all of this life, you know, so then we decide, OK, we're going to have this child.

He gets a DUI, you know, and it continues. And, you know, we get things start going downhill again and then they get better and we move back to California because that sounded like a good idea again.

And but this time I had a baby with me and I had

no social network. I had no support. He had his family, which was my family too. But now they're all out drinking and partying and I'm staying home all the time with this baby and

wasn't much fun anymore, you know, and I wanted out and, but I didn't know what to do and I didn't know how to get out.

And because it

he, you know, in in talking, we had decided that I wasn't going to work. I was going to stay home with the baby. And so, you know, my head's telling me I'm not worth much other than just staying home with this baby. I'm stuck, I'm trapped. I'm crazy. I'm crazy and I'm crazier and then I get pregnant again, you know? So what do you do when you're crazy

and you're unhappy and you're pregnant again, You know, and I'm stuck in this just

horrible place. And so we decided to move back to Arizona again.

Now, we had only been married. This is not like a really long time span. I think that I figured out we moved, you know, like eight times in four years, five years. And,

you know, so we the whole time I'm packing, I keep praying that I'm going to have a miscarriage and I'm carrying these boxes.

And so we moved back to Arizona and things start getting a little bit better, but I'm still not happy. They're just a little bit better. You know, we always hold on to that little bit better thinking that, OK, I'm going to make it through this because it's a little bit better right now. So

it'll get happier later, trust me.

So

with that, you know, I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to be a wife. I don't know how to get out I don't know there's any hope I don't know there's anything out there for me. And so about 7 1/2 months into this, we had no insurance, we had no, no money because like I said, we,

you know, kept moving and he can't really get your feet as you know, money established when you're moving from state to state all the time.

And so about 7 1/2 months into it, the baby's not moving anymore. And so we go and

find out that the baby's dead.

So we were doing this wonderful natural childbirthing. And I've actually done some advocacy work not too long after. Well, a couple years after this happened and they asked me, they told me I had to carry the child to term. And they don't do that anymore, thank God. Not a really bright idea.

So I'm living at home with a 1 1/2 year old

husband who's in active addiction and starting to act out

with a Co worker and I see my world just starting to fall apart more and more and more.

And

so I woke up one morning and the choice was we either induce or I kill myself.

And so

with that we went and induced. And like I said, my world is just unraveling so so quickly and I can't stop it. I don't know there's any help.

And so

we get home and two days later I find out that he, he doesn't come home and he's, you know, with somebody else. So immediately I go on a rampage and we have no wedding photos left. That's all I can say.

And so, you know, I used my anger in a more constructive way than killing him because this is again, you know, this is a disease where people kill other people or themselves.

And so instead of doing that, I, you know, then told him he's got a pack of stuff and go. And that started my journey and it started my journey on becoming healthy. And

because that took me into a spiral for a while, of course, being who I am, I think, well, I'm gonna get a job in a bar. That'll be a good idea. And so that's what I did, you know, and I

proceeded to to work and, you know, make good money. But then the insanity kept going

with with all of that. And, you know, it took me to a place where I wanted to die.

And every night when I'd be driving home, I would think that all I had to do was just move the wheel a little bit and I could hit the pylons driving home before I picked my son up. And so I decided that that wasn't a good idea that I had a baby that was two years old at home and I didn't want his father raising him

because, you know, he was full on in his, in his disease.

And so

again, still not knowing there's a solution, still not knowing there's recovery and hope out there. So I started going to a therapist who, it's so funny, I can't remember her name. I don't know anything about her other than she helped. And I, you know, she helped me see the the first thing she asked me, and it was really kind of a funny question,

was when was the last time you laughed? And I couldn't remember.

And how could I go from

this crazy independent

teenager to someone who never ever laughed and couldn't find joy in life?

So I started on the journey of rediscovering who I was and finding my joy. And,

you know, it was the best thing that happened to me. You know, I started to find that spark in me again and that joy and that happiness and,

you know, being the charismatic, funny addict that he is,

we have back together.

And because again, he started, you know, he straightened out for a while, life was relatively calm.

He wasn't in

the bad part of his disease. He was working, he was doing good. Life was good,

so we got back together. But this time there was a there was a part in me that wasn't going to lose myself ever again. And that was the gift from the pain of of losing the child and breaking up was a gift that I knew that I needed to keep who I was no matter what, and that I was in this relationship out of choice, not because I had to stay there because I didn't know there was a solution.

And so

God, again, has a really funny sense of humor. And I get pregnant like right away after we get back together. And I think that was his way of keeping me from bolting because there were a lot of times that were difficult. And if I hadn't been pregnant, I would have bolted. I would have, you know, left and missed the magic. And so, you know, I, we had this

wonderful,

funny little boy that we end up with, and now we've got two kids and things start getting difficult again.

And

he does, he

has some health problems and he starts with prescription medication. And we have a wonderful friend who's a doctor that likes to write prescriptions, lots of them. And that was before the pharmacies were all linked. And so, you know, he would write like 6 scripts and he would take them to six pharmacies and no one would know what was going on. Since then they fixed that

course. You can get them online now. So they started that one, but

so he started getting into his addiction again and it started getting worse and worse and worse. And I started watching the house to make sure I, I was like a captive in my own home because when I would leave, he would steal shit. So I came home one day and like the Bose speakers are gone and some other stuff's gone and I'm getting ready to call the police. And then I see my two very large Dobermans just sitting there staring at me. And I'm like,

no one robbed us,

you know, no one. I mean, they were too calm and there was no blood. So,

you know, I figured out what had happened, you know, that he had come in and taken more of our stuff. And, you know, and I realized that I'm getting sick again.

You know, I'm not able to leave my house. I'm calling the bank because you got to remember, this is a while back. So I'm having to call, you know, my head's telling me I have to call, I have to call the bank every 30 minutes to find out how many times he's taken money out of the bank. Like I can't stop it. I just need to know, like that's going to do me any good. So, you know, and, and The funny thing is, is you start getting the same person from the bank on the phone

and then you start realizing the insanity because you're talking to the same person. I am so grateful

that we didn't have cell phones, GPS, because I would attract him down and probably killed him. And so with my kids in the car.

And so, you know, I'm making all these and I see that I'm getting sick, really sick again. So I know it's time for me to leave. And but I also know that if I leave right now, because he was getting so thin and and so sick this time, sicker than I had ever seen him. And

so I make a plan. I'm going to leave. I'm going to go up to my mom and dad's. I figured that he wouldn't have

the nerve to show up at my mom and dad's house

and come after me. And I knew that if I stayed in the valley, he would probably die on my front doorstep. And so I'm making all these plans, but there's no more threats. I'm not threatening him anymore. We're not arguing. We're not, we're coexisting and he's living on the back patio. We had a really nice back patio with misters. I, he had a phone out there and ATV and we'd kind of slide the food out underneath the thing and the kids would wave at dad on the back patio. You know, we just Co

there was no more fighting. There was, you know, I didn't have any fight left in me. I understood how sick he was.

And so I was waiting for an insurance check. I was waiting for school to get out, which was going to happen about the same time. And I was just going to leave in the middle of the day when he was at work. And I get a phone call one night and he's calling from Lark, which was the county facility at that time. And

umm, you know, he said he checked himself in and I just said, you know, thank God, you know, I don't want you to die. I don't love you, but I don't want you to die. And so I continue to. I stayed with him and he ended up at Valley Hope and I remember driving him there and he's just bitching at me the whole way. He's just like, you know, you're, you're making a mess of you know, you don't handle the car repairs right, You don't handle money right. And I'm sitting

thinking, who are you? You're sitting here telling me how I'm screwing up our life and our finances, you know, while I'm taking you to the rehab. And so,

but again, you know, God sitting there on my shoulder and all I heard in my other ear is don't open your mouth. Because what he would do before and which is typical is walk in the door after work, pick a fight with me. It would be my fault he's out getting high. I'm leaving 'cause you're such a bitch. And, you know, so

I knew that if I engaged in that conversation,

as soon as I hit a red light, that would give him the excuse to get out of the car. So I just sat there the whole, that was the longest drive. Oh my God, from Tempe St. Lukes to Valley Hope was the longest drive of my life because I'm not the kind of person that's quiet. If you start giving me grief, I'm going to give it right back. And so we get to the parking lot and, you know, he looks at me, he goes, you know, you may not like what comes out of here.

I don't like the asshole I'm dropping off,

you know, so what's the difference? And and you know, I didn't like him at that point. So, you know, I'm just waiting until he gets his feet on the ground enough or relapses or dies so that I can leave with a clean conscience. I'm not going to kick him while he's down. And, you know, then we start doing family. We can. OK, I'll go to family week. And, you know,

we started talking

and we started rebuilding a life together. And it still took time. It took a long time for me to have faith. It took a long time for me to feel that hope.

And it's kind of funny 'cause they had told me I should go to

three Al Anon meetings while he's in treatment. Well, they didn't tell me to go to three different ones, or I didn't hear them say that I should go to three different ones. And I found the sickest al Anon meeting in the valley and thought that every Al Anon was crazy.

Now I've since learned that's not the truth. You know, that is not the truth.

That was just one meeting that had three really sick women in it that, you know, you don't tell a newcomer to get off. They'll get off their pink cloud and to search your husband's wallet and things like that. I found out those are inappropriate things to say in a meeting. And,

you know, I didn't see any hope in there. And so for me, you know, one of the things that's really important to me is to carry the message of hope, not the message of doom, not the message of, you know,

they're sick and just to hell with them. And so, you know, God gives us a lot of really good experiences in life and hopefully we learn from them and we can carry our message through that.

And so I started going to open California meetings and that's where I found the laughter and that's where I found the joy. And that's where I found the hope and met a lot of really cool people. Because at first, when he first got out of treatment, he hung out at the treatment center on what I swear it was every night. I'm sure it wasn't, but it felt like it. And he was never home. And for me, gone was gone. The only difference was I wasn't calling the bank every 30 minutes and he still wasn't home. And I was

only, and I was tired and I wanted a partner and he wasn't there. And, and I'm thinking, you know, if this is what recovery is, I don't want it. You know, I want something better. I want a life. And so I remember one night I called Valley Hope and I was all pissed off. Like, you know, good wives get, you know, And so I'm like, he's there. Why don't you tell him to get off the wall and go home? Why don't you guys tell him to go home?

And the counselor said, you know, he was out there getting high and, and sick in his addiction. It's like a pendulum. He's over here all the time. And now he's got to stay over on the other side for a while. And it will get better. And, you know, the message is it does get better if we allow it. And so he was, you know, he said eventually it'll get down towards the bottom. It will never be centered. It will never be balanced, but it will be better.

And so with that, I started going to the

umm, California meetings and hearing them laugh because I hadn't heard much laughter in a really long time. And I met the people that he was making new friends with. And, you know, I started falling in love with recovery and seeing that I needed to get better. And, you know, things got, things got good for a long, long time. And then our son decided to,

in his teenage years to start,

you know, having his own journey. And we stopped talking again and we started arguing because it had to be one of our two faults. You know, it had to be his fault. And of course it because he's a damn addict. So he made our son an addict and it had to be my fault because I'm the mom that's at home. So I, I must have screwed him up. And so, you know, he ended up going into treatment himself and the treatment program had parent meetings and I start going to the parent meetings

and I started seeing,

you know, that there were things that I could do to stay centered and balanced no matter what my child was doing. And you know that with doing that, I was helping my son because when he was out crazy and, and not knowing what to do and, you know, acting out, I could stay as the shoreline and he always knew where I was at. And so those were the tools that they started teaching me in there.

And then I started going, you know, once he graduated from that program, I started going to,

I still didn't go to al Anon much 'cause I still thought they were all crazy. And I learned through meeting some incredible, incredible women that they're not all crazy. And so I started going, you know, I was kind of one of those bench warmers. You know, it's OK, I'll take you to, you know, husbands would think that if I took their wife to a meeting, I could fix them. And so I started getting all these guys wanting me to take their wives and make them better and take them to a meeting. So I'd be OK, I'll take them to a meeting.

So I take them to one meeting, kind of show them where it's at and then leave them, you know, and I would go to the meeting.

I wasn't getting anything out of that and neither were they, you know, because I wasn't there. And so then I started then, you know, my husband started trying to convince me that we should start going on in the valley. And so, you know, got together with a group of women and we started a Co Anon meeting and that fit better for me. And I still go to both fellowships. By the way, I go to Al Anon, I go to Co Anon. I love both fellowships. They're it's an

place and it's so nice to be able to walk in there and breathe because sometimes I can't breathe when I go in there. I'm just like, oh God, it just sucks. And I just walking in the room is like someone takes that rock off my chest and I can breathe and I can find the joy and the laughter because you know, the stuff we we do is pretty freaking funny. You know, the depths that we go to in our craziness,

you know, if you tell somebody outside of the rooms, the things that you do, they go, Oh my gosh, that's really bad. And I'm like, no, it's really funny, you know, that I would go do these crazy things in in our addiction and our disease. And so, you know, I've,

I've learned that what I want to be is I want to be a shining example no matter where that's at. And I've had the opportunity, like Pat was saying, to go to different countries and carry the message. And

it's such, it's, it's a disease that affects families so, so deeply. You know, even though I didn't have drinking in my, in my home, except for us kids, my, my parents didn't drink, let me put it that way.

Umm, I was still affected by the disease of alcoholism, you know, because it affected my mother, which affected the way she parented us kids or the lack of how she parented us because for a while she couldn't be a mom. You know, the darkness just overtook her too much. And, you know, so it's so important to me to be able to get out there and to be

that message of hope that a family can change and a family can heal. But it takes work.

And it's not about our addicts.

You know what they're doing and what they're not doing. I got as sick or sick or behind this disease than he did. My coping skills were so out of whack and my my ability to handle situations

were so warped because I was justified my anger. I was justified my actions. You would be that way too. If you had to live through what I lived through. You would be, you know, a bitch. And you would not be,

you know, I thank God I don't answer telemarketing anymore because I used to have to after I yelled at him, I had to tell him I was sorry, you know, because I didn't want to hear anybody. Whatever they wanted to say, I didn't want to hear it. You know, I was too busy for that. And you know, my prayer life today is very, very different. You know, I was

kind of not real nice to my husband earlier today in my craziness.

And I have to pray for willingness to carry the message. Sometimes I have to pray for willingness to do the things that are putting that's put in front of me because a lot of times I don't want to do it. And, you know, I continue to to pray for that willingness and the ability to heal and to be humble

and, you know, to

just to be, you know, it's so hard sometimes just to be, you know, not to fix, not to create havoc, to be at peace with myself. And to pray and to meditate is just an incredible gift that I've gotten through this program, you know? And I've got if someone would have asked me

when we first got into recovery, if someone would have asked me to sit down and write

what my life would be like a year, five years, 10 years, 20 years down the road, I would have cut it so short. I

I would have

it wouldn't be near what I have today. You know, God has laid an incredible table in front of me. Now I've got a choice of wanting to stay in the chaos over here,

or I can come over here where it's nice and calm and enjoy what he's got for me. And you know, I choose that today most of the time. Sometimes I go in the chaos, but I don't stay there very long because it doesn't feel very good anymore. And, you know, the more, the more I do in recovery, the less satisfaction or the less good feeling I get out of bad behavior.

You know, I just, it doesn't sit right. And then I, Oh my God, you know, I've gone into the put stuff in my car and

forgotten something in my cart and I go back in the grocery store and, you know, I hand them the item back, you know, the Clover garlic that I've, you know, the head of garlic that I forgot, you know, they just look at me like I'm weird, you know, but I have to live that way. And because it doesn't sit well and I can't cook dinner with the garlic I just stole from the grocery store, even if I did it unintentionally, you know, So it's just such a better way to live, you know? And today I've got, it's our

31st birthday today and we've got a great relationship, you know, and I've got a wonderful granddaughter and my other son just got married to an incredible person. And I've got friends and I have young people that I just love and adore. And I've got this house that I'm going to have chickens at eventually if I get around to moving them. And, you know, I've got this life. I've got a husband that today I can actually say I respect and I love.

I couldn't say that before. You know, there wasn't a lot of respect. There was always love, but there wasn't respect

because how could I respect his actions, you know, Because he didn't respect himself and I didn't respect myself.

You know, the fun became not fun anymore. And you know, today we laugh. We laugh at the stupidest things, you know, we just, you know, we have fun. And that's what the gifts of these program, you know, I and the other part is I get to see families heal and that's such a gift. You know, I watch people walk in so broken in the rooms

and then, you know, I see him laugh after they cry for about a month. You know, then I see him laugh and I see families heal. I've seen so many babies born and marriages and just, you know, it just warms my heart to think of the fact that I didn't know there was a solution when I was in the middle of the insanity. I didn't know there was anything else other than pain and craziness.

And, you know, today I know there is.

And I, I'm so blessed, you know, it's such a good, good life. And, you know, I've never known a crazier group of people. You know, I love addicts. They are the most creative, wonderful, funny, charming people. They're the most destructive, dangerous, heartbreaking, horrible people.

It's the two sides to the coin, you know, and in active addiction,

they're not very good people, you know, But when they're clean and sober, God, are they fun, you know? And it's, that's a side I choose to focus on, you know, and there's pain with it, you know, there's a, there's,

you know, I get to help people today walk through their pain with grace and dignity, you know, and that's an incredible gift that God's given me. And I think that's about it.

Thanks for showing up.