Co-Anon meeting at the southwest regional convention of Cocaine Anonymous in Scottsdale, AZ

Hi, I'm Kelly. Hi

and my husband just walked in and my sponsor so I have to be really honest.

I'm just kidding.

No I'm not.

I usually don't cry but I'm Jeez my heart is really heavy today.

I have a

I just got back from a funeral

umm for my sponsor who's also one of my best friends sister and I also sponsor her little sister

who lost her life on May 18th to the disease of addiction.

She overdosed on heroin and left behind three beautiful children

and a lot of people who love her very much.

And I had, I feel so blessed that I was able to know Melissa and be a part of her life because she touched the lives of so many people. And when she walked into the room, she she lit the room up with her energy. She had a beautiful spirit, beautiful heart, and she cared about many people and,

and it wasn't her time.

And unfortunately that's what happens. And I'm so grateful to God that there's somewhere I can go for a solution, somewhere that I can go to find hope through hearing other people's experience and, and getting the strength that I, that I get from them to be able to keep going because sometimes it feels unbearable.

Umm, I wanted to read something that was on the back of her of the program for her funeral.

Umm it's, it's called the starfish story. This is an old man was walking on the beach one morning after a storm. In the distance he could see someone moving like a dancer. As he came closer, he saw that it was a young woman picking up * starfish and gently throwing them into the ocean. Young lady, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?

The sun is up and the tide is going out, and if I don't throw them in, they will die, she said. But young lady, do you not realize that there are many miles of beach and thousands of starfish? You cannot possibly make a difference. The young woman listened politely, then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea.

It made a different into the C It made a difference for that one.

That's what that's my sponsor,

her sharing her experience, strength and hope with me. When I first came to these rooms, to this program, she made a difference just for me. And I know she's made a difference for a lot of other people in her life, but especially in my life. I'm I'm so grateful that I walked into the rooms of Cohen on almost seven years ago.

I, I came in because I,

you know, my childhood, I was, my father was an alcoholic and, and he drank every day from a very young age. And I come from a family of their six children. I'm in the middle, There's three older and then I'm the oldest of the second-half. I like to say my mom's second litter.

There's a good gap in between us

and

and growing up, I lived with a father who is an alcoholic and who when he would drink, darkness overcame him and he would abuse my mother and I. I was the kid who would jump in the middle of them to try to stop him and get pushed away and pushed across the room. And I keep getting up. And from a young age, I learned how to become a fighter, but I also learned how to put a wall up. And growing up in school, I would.

Oh my goodness, sorry.

I would put AI would put a show on, I'd be an actress, I'd go to school and I'd act like everything was OK at home. And I didn't want you to know what was going on at home. Because if you knew that my father was an alcoholic, if you knew those things about me, you wouldn't accept me and your parents for sure would not ever let you come over and play at my house. So from a young age I learned to hide it. And I remember my mom coming into the room when I was little and I don't have many memories. I, I blocked a lot of them because they were pretty traumatic. But I do have a few where

my,

of my mom, we would be, there would be so much violence going on and, and we would be in our bedrooms crying as we'd hear the fighting happening. And my mom would come in and she would say, it's OK, he's just drinking, it's OK. So from a young age, I learned it was OK, he's just drinking, you know, and, but inside I knew it wasn't OK. And so it was really hard as a child to try to understand that. But it it, you know, my dad's alcoholism progressively got worse than at 10 years old. My parents, my parents divorced. And my mom, who

is not an alcoholic, but she's severely codependent, she found another one. And that would be my life for the next

next 17 years. And, you know, my father was in out of my life from the age of 10 to to 16. And, you know, I'd go visit him and it was most the time he'd be drinking and there were times that he'd be using. And,

you know, there was a lot of fighting and a lot of

dysfunction and he would use drugs. And I remember one time he we were in an apartment

of one of his girlfriends and he had us go in her closet and stay in there so he could get loaded. And I remember thinking, this is a really big closet. And I wasn't, you know, looking back, I'm like, he put us in a closet. But as a kid we were like, cool, we make a four and you know what I mean? And,

you know, I didn't realize that until I was an adult, But that was God. That was God protecting us. You know, we were in this room and we were safe. And you know, a lot of, a lot of things happened and we saw a lot of things

and, and we experienced, my brother and sister and I experienced the pain of what alcoholism does on a family. And, you know, my dad would eventually be gone for the next four years at 16 and I couldn't find him for another four. And my mom would continue today Alcoholics and and they were abusive and I'd get in the middle of them and, and I would fight them off her. And it was just this cycle of dysfunction. And at the age of 17,

I had missed so much school from staying home with my little brother and sister because she worked three jobs, that I decided she was going to move again. And we had already moved by 17. I had already moved 10 times from 10 years old to 17. And I didn't want to move again. And so my it was my junior year and I moved in with my aunt and I had the credits of a freshman and I went to a school where they had a program where I could,

where I could graduate on time. So I went there and I ended up going to school from 7:00 in the morning to seven at night my junior year.

And I worked my butt off and I did some classes that I could take home as well. And I end up graduating my junior year of high school when I should have been about three years behind. I needed to get out of the house. I wanted to get away. And, and I had an aunt who was kind enough to let me live with her. And you know, from then on my life

would slowly spiral from there. You know, when I,

when I was,

when I was 20,

19, actually almost no, I was 21. I met my husband who was, I didn't know at the time that he was an addict, but he knew. I guess looking back, I guess he knew and you know, he, he used a lot and, and that in our life would be pretty, pretty hard after that. There were many nights for the next few years that I would stay up late watching my husband overdose. And I didn't know that he was overdosing. I just knew that he

would stop breathing and I'd sit there and rub his chest and wait for him to wake up and come to. And there were many trips that I were going driving on that I remember him nodding off and falling asleep at the will and being so scared that like if he didn't wake up that we were going to go off the edge

and us fighting. And my kids at the time, we had

my my youngest daughter who was actually his, but I started raising when she was 1 1/2. We had her and and from from that point on, just life started getting really bad and I remember,

you know, just just feeling lost. Our family was broken, we had another daughter and the disease of addiction failed or it was just our house was

was completely a wreck and everything that I didn't want my children to have, they had and and I, I promised I'd never, I'd never give my kids that life. And here I was and I didn't know how to how to stop and I'm so

how to stop the dysfunction. And I'm so grateful that

by the time it got bad enough, CPS was wanting to step in and take the kids out of my home and

and my husband. We went up to Payson because my mother-in-law, we had found out she was wanting to come take the kids. So we took off to Payson to hide from her. And my husband was given an obituary of a guy who

his name was Ezekiel Sweeney, and he had died from an overdose. And he had two girls the same age as our daughters.

And whatever it was that weekend, my husband was able to have enough clarity to where he came back home and he checked himself into treatment about a week later.

And and that would start our journey of of our life finally getting back together. Finally, things are the brokenness being mended.

My,

you know,

my husband was a beautiful person when I met him, but I watched what this disease did to him. And I watched it take this man who was big and strong. And when my husband got sober, he was 160 lbs. He's about, what are you, 230 now? He's a big guy. He was 160 lbs. He was close to death. My kids were watching on a daily basis, you know,

watching on a daily basis that, you know, experiencing the brokenness in our home.

And I got to watch my husband get sober. And it was because someone came into the detox and they, they shared their 12 steps with him. They shared the steps and they, they showed him that there's a way to,

to do the deal and to use tools to be able to, to let go of everything and connect to a higher power. And I don't remember the man who came in that day, but that man that came in to his detox saved our families, saved our family.

We want to be here today without him.

He shared, he carried a message of hope and he shared his experience and it just hit whatever it happened, something happened. God was able to intervene in, in in the my husband's heart and his soul was able to open up long enough to hear this message and

and he began leading that path for our whole family. I got to see the light in my kids eyes just open. I got to watch them get to have their dad back. And, you know, it's been,

it's, it's hard.

It's hard watching those around you that you love, like

the kids that are affected, the family members that are affected. You know, and I got to,

I got to watch my family slowly come back together and I got to watch my husband be restored into this man that God intended him to be.

And you know, my husband next month, July 15, will be celebrating 7 years of sobriety. And, you know, the last seven years of our life have been amazing.

And I know when I came into these rooms seven years ago, I was pretty broken. I didn't like my husband. I didn't want to be with him anymore. I, I was done with him. He was, he had turned into my father. I had, you know, picked a man that was just like my father. And I, I thought that it was over, you know, and God had different plans for her family for sure. Because when I came into these rooms,

there were women in here that shared their experience, strength and hope.

Jessica who reached her hand out and and even if she was going to make a difference in just one life, she did that. She shared her experience with me.

And you know, there's so many women in this room. But but the last seven years,

these rooms have taught me how to be a mother, how to show up as a wife,

how to just be a person that gives rather than takes. You know, when I, when I came in, I was pretty broken. I was angry with my father. I was resentful. I didn't understand when I came into the rooms. I thought that they were going to, they were going to give me a solution on how to deal with him and him.

You know, my husband, my father and I come from a family of a lot of addicts, uncles, aunts, cousins, you name it, They're all around me.

And I thought I was going to get a solution on how to fix them because I didn't need fixed for sure they were broken.

And and what I didn't realize when I came in was that that this program was not

it was a solution for me. I didn't realize how sick I was when I came in here, but I knew that I was angry. I knew that I didn't want anything really to do with my father, but I knew that I, as a daughter, I was supposed to love him and not completely

detached from him, that I still needed to have him in my life because he's my dad, you know? But I came in here very angry, very broken, and

and I didn't know that what I was going to receive would be a lot more than I had expected.

I had my sponsor take me through the steps. And basically, if you don't know what the steps are, they're just a way to get you to, to be willing to turn your life over to a higher power and to God. And I did not understand God. I was angry with God. What kind of God would let my father abuse my mom on a daily basis? What kind of

God would allow these things to happen? And what I didn't realize is it wasn't God that was doing those things. That was,

it was the addiction, the disease, you know, and umm,

I, I came in here and I did my steps and I was, you know, they just said you had to be willing to believe. And I was willing to believe. I knew that I believed in God, but I was so angry. And they just told me just be willing to believe. And, and so I was, and I, I went through and I, they said, you get to write out your resentments. And that was like, yes, I have been so wrong by so many. And

this was my time, you know.

Yes. And so I got to write down all the things that were that I was angry at and all the wrongs my dad had ever done and all the wrongs my aunts and my uncles and my cousins and all those, especially my husband. No, all the things that, you know, they had all done to wrong me. And then, you know, I got to share, share those things with my sponsor and I got to share

those things that I never wanted to share with anyone.

I didn't want you to know that I was, that I went through that kind of childhood because then you wouldn't accept me because I, you know, I didn't know. I thought I was alone, you know, and I thought I needed to have this perfect family and all these things to be OK. And I was able to share these things with my sponsor and I was able to share with her the hurts and pains that I experienced and,

and the brokenness that was in my family and the pain that my my father caused and, and the pain of having a mother who was so codependent on men that I felt like I lost my mother too. Because when I came to these rooms, I not only did not have a father in my life, but I also had a mother who was very much not an addict, but very much sick.

I want to say that she's almost been affected more by this disease

then then my then my family and friends that are actual addicts because she

is so sick that I've lost the relationship with her.

She's not able to show up as a mom. She's just not. And then I'm and I'm grateful that I had a sponsor who

has not been just a sister, not just a mom, a best friend. She's been everything to me. And there's been women in here who,

who when they share,

I relate to and who I've been able to lean on and get close to.

I think one of the hardest things for me was, was my was my mom was coming to a place of acceptance that that I wasn't going to be able to change her because my mom was an addict. But she couldn't stop chasing the addicts. You couldn't stop trying to fix them, control them. She didn't know these tools that we are given in here. How to detach.

She

didn't know how to have boundaries. And you know, it talks about in the how Al Anon works, it talks about boundaries and how we confuse love and caring, you know, with we think we're loving them. We think we're caring about the addicts by trying to control them and change them and fix them. And, and, and for me, it wasn't, it wasn't that way. You know, I have many family members. My, my little brother is an addict as well.

And umm, and I used to think if I shamed him and if I told him, you know, shamed him and said things to him to make him feel low, that maybe he would get this. And it doesn't work that way. What I had to do is I had to let go of expectations on the addicts in my life and I had to let go of expectations with my mother.

I I had these expectations like I needed them to be a certain way so that I would be OK inside because I don't want to feel pain. It's super selfish. Like I need them. I need my brother to get sober so my mom will stop trying to control him so that I can have a mom back

right? Like so I don't have to experience pain?

Like yes, I want them to be sober because I want them to live, but why do I want them to live? So I don't have to experience the pain of losing them.

And I forget that there's

that there's a God out there that's bigger. Jessica's always said God is bigger. She tells me God is bigger. And I have to remember that because because I know the steps, because I've worked the steps. I feel like if they just know what I know, they'll be OK. And that's not how it works. You know, I got to go through my steps and I got to share my all those things with Jessica. And then I also got to look at my side.

My side was not pretty at all.

All of the things that I judge my father for, I had those same characteristics, those same defects of character. I judged my father. I was on loving to him. I was hurtful

and I got to see my part in my relationship with my father when I went through the steps. I got to see what was my part in having a father who was abusive to my mom, who abandoned us, who who I felt chose to be this way. Like, what was my part in that? And I did have a part,

you know, I had a part in and not just loving him. And I would shame him and I would say things that I, I didn't mean. And when I went through my steps, I was able to find my part in those things, which ended up leading me to make an amends to my father.

And you know, I had my grandfather was dying and so I flew out to Ohio and I had the opportunity of making amends to my father, something I never thought I would do. First. I thought that he need, it was conditional. I thought he needed to make amends to me and then I would make amends to him

and then everything would be great. And I'm in this program. That's not how it works. We learned that we need to keep our side of the street clean. That's all that matters is taking care of our side of the street because we need that freedom. We need to be OK. And if we're trying to fix them, which are never, it's never going to work.

It, it, it's just this site, this vicious cycle. And so

I got to go out and I got to, I got to tell my dad that I was wrong for the way I treated him and that I, and it was hard doing these things. I was angry when I did it, but I was able to pray before and just really ask God to give me the strength to do it. And I was able to let him know that I was wrong for the way I treated him. And before I did it, I was angry. And as I was doing it, this

compassion, love just

surrounded me for him at that moment, in that very moment of saying those things to him, of saying I was wrong for how I treated you. You didn't deserve to be treated that way. Like I love you. I know you did the best you could. I was able to find my part

and I was able to look him in the eyes and tell him that I love him. And then I need him in my life. And you know, when I looked him in the eyes, I meant it. It wasn't just this what the world tells me. You need to love your parents. You know, I truly

at that moment felt love and compassion and I was able to see him for the first time as this broken child who had a really hard life, who ended up

discovering alcohol and drugs and was never able to,

to be released from those chains. And, you know, I wouldn't, I didn't know at the time that I was making amends to him. You know, I got to the next year, the next two years. It was beautiful because I was able to,

I don't know, year two years, I can't think right now. I was able to every time he would call, even if he was drunk and I answered the phone. I was able to be like, hi, dad. And I was able to be president and just like not be judging him on the other line, like rolling my eyes. I think there was one time with Kelly, I rolled my eyes because it was like the third time in a row and he was on pills and he would call me and be like, hi, I am hi. And I'm like, I know you just had surgery.

And,

you know, I was able to laugh and I was able to love him from this space that I never thought I could. I thought I'd always be angry that he drank. I thought the only way we would have a relationship is if he stopped.

I thought he had to stop. I had these expectations like you will become this type of man or I will not be your daughter or I will not show up for you. I will not respect you. I will not love you the way that you deserve to be loved. And you know, that moment when I was able to find my part and I was able to make amends to him is when I was when that changed and I was able to have this like the next year was beautiful. And, you know,

it was

two years ago I got a call

from my father and he was crying and he said, Kel, you know, I need to tell you I, I was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and they're telling me that I have 6 to 12 months to live.

And I remember just

thinking, OK, is he making this up? Because he used to say things all the time about like, oh, I'm sick or I'm this. And, and he said, you know, they're telling me I have 6 to 12 months. And I remember thinking, no, that's, that's there's no way, you know? And, and I went and talked to my sponsor and she was like, you need to go out and see him like right away because I thought I had a little bit of time. And I was like, I can't get out there to see him. You know, he's in Ohio. A ticket. A ticket in the next three days is going to be crazy expensive

and

my sponsor hands me a card the next day and in the card

it says I want to I want to send you to see your dad

and she said you need to go now.

So I went

and

I got out there and I when I got there, he was pretty much out of it. He could barely talk. He was so sedated. He was in so much pain

that he just was laying there and I was just, you know, with him. And at this time I'm a student as well, so I'm trying to keep up with school and be there for my dad and

and I have the

the next two days. The following day they move him to Hospice and

and that day they put in a

port. They put in a port because he wanted to do chemo, because he wanted to fight it.

They knew there was no point, but they did it anyways for him.

And I remember when I leaned over and gave him a hug,

I touched it on accident and he was like, ow. And he always would do that whenever he's in the hospital.

If I touched him, he would joke and be like, just kidding. And I thought he was kidding and he wasn't. I like totally hurt him

and

that was just really funny And then he was like you know, he would like yelled and then he was like out of it again. I'm like OK. The next day though, my dad was up and awake and I'm like, this is really weird. I didn't know but it would have been he was having a 2 day. The two days that you had before you pass and

you know at that moment it what came to me as I need to, I need to Skype my little brother and sister

and I knew I need to do it right then. And I had my laptop with me because I was a student. Thank God I was a student

because I, I don't know, I just knew I needed to Skype them. So I got my brother and sister on the computer and I let them say hi to my dad and he got to say hi to them. And then my husband was like, how would your dad some money? And he's like go buy him the biggest lobster you can find because my dad loves seafood. So I went and I did that and my dad had an 8IN weeks and he he ate and I got to watch him just like

chow down on this huge lobster. And

the next day we got to go to his grandson's baptism. And my dad was like, he kept asking me to sneak in marijuana for him.

And I'm like, I'm not bringing it into a hospital. Dad. He's like, just give me a little bit. And I'm like, Ohio, I don't, you know, So what?

And so we go to leave to this baptism at the Mormon church, and he's like, stop by my friend's house. And I'm like,

OK, dad. So I stopped by his friend's house in my school. And I'm like, my dad said, you got some dope. And he's like, yeah, So he gives me a baggie. And I'm like, OK. And I'm like, Dad, do you have something to hit it? He's like, yeah. And he gives me this one hit, one hitter, and his wife is driving. And he's like, we'll break it up for me. And I'm like, OK, So I'm like, I'm like breaking up this, you know, weed in the back of the car. And,

and I'm pushing it into A1 hitter for him and I'm like, OK, and and I'm handing it up to him and he's like hitting it, trying to hit it before we get to the baptism.

And you know,

I'm so grateful for that memory.

I didn't get to smoke it with him, but I got to watch him so good. And I got to he it made it made him be able to eat. And so then he's like, let's go to Red Lobster. And I'm like, OK, so you know, we went there and and then he's like, I need a Long Island and my dad's an alcoholic. And I'm like, of course you do. So

his wife's like, no. And I'm like, let him have two. Let him have three. Just give him to him. I told the waiter I'm like, keep bringing him. And

you know, that was

that was the last memory that I have with my dad because the next day he would fall back into

whatever it is. He wasn't aware he was out of it again.

And I would leave three days later or two days later. And the day before I left, he couldn't get out of bed. And I was trying to help him get out of bed to go the bathroom and his legs were so swollen. His ankles were so swollen. And, and he they wanted to put a Catherine. He's like, no, I'm going to the bathroom. Like, OK, so I'm helping my dad into this bathroom and helping him, you know, stand there holding onto his arm while he goes to the bathroom. And, and I didn't want to go to sleep that night because I knew I had to go home in the morning. I knew I had to fly home

and I knew it was going to be the last time I saw him.

And walking out of that hospital was the hardest thing for me because I knew

I went back twice. And I was like, I gotta go because I knew that would be the last time that I would see him.

And two days later I got a call and they said you need to come back. He's not doing good. And I was like, OK, let me let me see. And then as soon as I hung the phone up, it rang again. And it was my step mom.

And just that morning, she had put the phone by his ear and said, Kelly, will you tell him it's time to go? And I said, yeah, I'll let him know. And I was born on my dad's birthday. I was a daddy's girl

and they put the phone by his ear and I told him that morning and dad, it's OK, you can let go. And when I got that second call, not even 5 seconds after the nurse, the station called me to come back out. My stepmom said your dad just passed

and

I'm so grateful

that there was a program I could go to

that I thought I was going to, to be able to, to

teach me how to deal with the Alcoholics, to deal with them. I didn't know that these tools were going to teach me how to love them, how to show up for them, how to forgive them. And it did. It gave me the ability to see my dad in a different light that I could not see him in because I was so angry and so broken inside and out. So mad

in this program gave me the ability to show up for him as a daughter. And, you know, my little brother and sister couldn't make it, but I was able to allow them to see him and talk to him and, and my dad,

you know,

these rooms gave me that

they gave me that I don't. I know that I wouldn't have been able to

forgive him on my own. And there were tools in here and steps that allowed me to uncover and discover and discard stuff

because I had so much that I was holding on to, you know, and they taught me that I didn't 'cause this, I can't cure it and I can't control it. And then was with a thank God I was taught those things because if I would have still been trying to do those things, I would have missed out on the most beautiful

experience that I could have had with my father. You know, the way God placed Jessica in my life,

You know, she just came, came here, showed up, shared her experience, strength and hope.

And I didn't know that that would ripple effect that would go on to change me, change my heart, allow me to have these relationships and not only that, be able to show my family members how you can love others. How that even if we're sick, even if they're sick, that they can still.

I learned that it wasn't my fault that my dad was the way he was, and I learned that

I can't cure him. And I learned that I could not control it. But I did learn is that I could have boundaries and I could have healthy boundaries. You know,

when I went out and saw him, I didn't have to let him watch my son. I didn't have to do those certain things with them when I went out to visit him the first time. But I those were my boundaries. But as far as like answering the phone when he called drink drunk, like I was able to answer it, you know, I was able to detach from him physically. I'm sorry, spiritually and mentally, but not physically because when we are taught inherited touch, when I first heard detach, I thought that meant like I need them out of my life if I want to be OK. And that's not the case.

It just means that I need to be able to put myself 1st and take care of me first. And this, this program taught me how to be able to do that. It taught me to how I can still have them, these addicts in my life. Because I don't want them out of my life. Because the whole reason I want them to get sober is so that they stay in my life, because I don't want to lose them, because I love them.

And so when I learned how to detach with love, I was able to still let go of the idea that I need these expectations, them. I need them to be a certain way for me to be OK. That's putting a lot. A lot

of giving them a lot of power to control my happiness, for my happiness. And I learned how to be able to hand that over to God and the whole slogan, live and let live. You know, I learned how to live in here by letting them live, by letting them have their journeys. It's hard to let go.

Melissa had almost nine years. She had nine years sober at one time, right?

And went back out and then struggled for the next 4.

And you let them. You let them go in the sense of, OK, this is their journey,

and then things happen where they die and you lose them.

But the beautiful thing is that we get this program that allows us to love them, to be able to show up for them

to be able to answer the phone when they call. And sometimes I couldn't answer the phone, sometimes I didn't when my dad called. And looking back, I'm like, I wish I could have, but I know that it was OK. You know I forgive myself for that.

You know, I'm

the steps, the steps in this program allow me to be able to get close to God and it allowed me to let go of a lot of hurts and a lot of pains

and I was able to find my part and a lot of things and be able to this program is restore relationships for me. And all it was is me connecting to something greater, me connecting to my higher power. And it means that I have to do that on a daily basis because I still have addicts and Alcoholics in my life. I had the beautiful opportunity of being able to take care of my cousin's son for three months and he was six months old when he came to live with us. And

and I am her being at times angry at first that she was still using while I'm raising her child. And then my husband would remind me every time like we're not doing this for her. This is for that baby. And thank goodness, like the this room gave me the the tools to be able to be compassionate and loving towards her and to be able to see her the way that God sees her.

You know, I don't

I don't know where I would be without

without Cohen on and Al Anon.

I'm I'm never going to I'm never going to not need this, this room, this program, these women and men that are a part of it. I will never, I will never not need them in my life. I need them every single Thursday. Even though I haven't been able to make it a lot because of my daughters gymnastics. I need them to show up to that meeting every Thursday to off the roller coaster.

I need them to show up there. I do.

I need them to show up because I need them to share their experience, strength and hope with me. Because there's times like today where we have to bury people that we love

because this disease takes a lot of people. And I need somewhere that I can go where I can hear that it's going to be OK and that God has me and he's going to carry me through this and that

and that I can keep going because I have to show up. I need to show up as a mother today. I get to show up as a mother today. You know this,

there's so many women in here. I keep looking at that and men that have touched my life

in a way that I can never thank them enough, ever.

You guys carried me through losing my father.

You guys carried me through. You guys have carried me through a lot. You know, I'm glad that you don't just go to Cohen on and get better.

I'm glad that it's a constant. We start our steps over and over again because I need, I need you in that room. I need you to keep showing up because today I lost someone that I today I went and said goodbye to someone that I love very dearly. But it's not going to be the last time.

It won't

and I have to remember that.

If you haven't done your steps, if you don't have a sponsor, if you haven't been to an Allen on our Co and on meeting, go to one, go to 20. They're all different. They're all different, but there are people there who will become your family. When you have a mom that that can't show up for you because she's so sick because of her alcoholic and, and her attics, you'll have someone there that that will show up for you and that will be able to be that for you so that you can still love your mom

so that you don't have to be angry at them.

I'm grateful for my life today. I'm grateful that my husband has almost seven years sober.