The 4th National Annual Drug Addicts Anonymous Conference in Jensen Beach, FL

Hi, I'm Gabby. I'm a drug addict.

I'm just going to say it was awesome being on the, the planning committee for the conference this year. I was the secretary and like, it was a life changing experience. And Derek and I were laughing yesterday because I literally had and started to raise a child since we started planning this. And just to see it come from start to finish, it's it's awesome.

But our next speaker,

she actually has taught me so much. I met her at a DA a meeting when I was

maybe two months sober and she has always been a shining example of the 12th step for me, right. And so it's so fitting that tonight she is speaking on 11 and 12. You know, I'm blessed enough to have her as my sponsor and, and she has been a guiding light in not only

raising me in this fellowship, but teaching me how to live a life, how to be a mother, how to be a good person, you know, and I'm so excited to hear what Catherine has to say.

Hi.

Hi, everyone. Can you hear me good?

I'm Catherine. I'm a drug addict.

I'm really grateful to be here. Thank you again for everyone that asked me to speak. I lost my voice a little bit, so just bear with me. But you know, it's so crazy to be standing in front of you today. You know, my, my sobriety dates, August 26th, 2014. I just celebrated five years, which is a huge miracle. You know, for so long I couldn't stop using drugs and alcohol. You know, when I before, right before I came down to Florida, I was homeless.

My parents would have nothing to do with me. I had no friends until I was a complete lone wolf, you know, and Polly wanted to do was die. And every morning that I woke, I woke up, I was still alive. I'm like, God, why are you doing this to me? Why can't I just die? Why can't I just die? But but today I don't have that mindset anymore. You know, today I live,

I literally do live a life beyond my wildest dreams. No, I'm a mom today to two beautiful little girls over there. I'm married over a year and a half. You know, this program has given me so many amazing blessings and it's all because of my relationship with God, which is what I'm to talk to you about today. And the actor says perspective and enlarging my spiritual life. So it's crazy to think that I'm the one that's talking to you guys about that because coming into this program, I had no relationship with a God of my understanding, you know,

and today I have a beautiful relationship and that relationship is number one in my life. It comes before my husband, it comes before my children, it comes before my sponsor, my sponses.

God is everything. You know in the book says God is everything or he's nothing. What was our choice to be? You know, God is my everything.

So I kind of want to talk to you guys today a little bit about 10:11 and 12:00. And, you know, applying those in my life on a daily basis. And well, if I do live is because of these 12 steps, you know, and, and it all started with, you know, my first sponsor taking me to this book page by page, you know, line by line, word by word. And she really made this program come alive. And you know, like at first, I, I, you know, growing up, I didn't have a relationship with God. My parents didn't really talk about

prayer or God or anything.

We went to church, Christmas, Easter, that was it. So I really didn't have, you know, any relationship at all, really an understanding. And so it wasn't until, you know, I got into this book and I saw the other women that came before me in the meetings and even the men. And I saw them that living their life, you know, and I wanted to have the smiles that they have, the laughter that they had. I wanted that so bad. And my first sponsor was like, we have to do what I do, you know, and I did that. I did exactly what you told me to do. I took all those suggestions

near. I am five years later, you know, So, you know, I kind of want to

harp on, you know, Step 9, making amends, right?

Amends in my life. I've made so many amazing amends. And I have a cool story I'll tell you in a little bit.

But doing making those amends, the freedom that we get, the feeling that we get, regardless if they go good or not, you know, is, is like no other. And at the end of the nine step promises,

it says we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us if we cannot do for ourselves. You know, and, and for me looking back, God has done so many things for me that I could never even imagine, you know, and put me in so many situations and got me through so many different things.

Recently, some people in this room know my my father passed away.

Sorry if I cheer up a month and a half ago and I've shared this before and I'll continue to keep sharing because it's a miracle of this program. It's a miracle of God. When I first came in this program, I told my sponsor that one of my reservations, one of the reasons I would totally get high again is if one of my siblings, our parents passed away. You know, that was my thing. If my mom or dad passed away, I cannot handle it. I'm going to go shoot dope. Like, I can't do this, you know? And

my dad passed away and that was not even a fault in my mind whatsoever.

You know, my thought in my mind was I know where my dad's going today. My dad's in heaven, my dad's at home. And I was able to make an immense name. The feeling that I got, making that amends face to face and, you know, finally becoming the daughter that he, you know, knew I could be, right, the daughter that God always intended me to be. And, you know, making an immense face to face was really A-frame thing. And

you know, I want to share this other little story too, because it's just, it's about God. But right before my dad passed away,

he was in Hospice at my parents house. And it's just a short one. And right before he passed away, my mom was saying to him, say hi to my father and your father for me. And because they had passed away years ago. And, you know, the little tear came down his eye and he closed his eyes and he went. And a little later on, my mom called Hospice to come get my father so they could, you know, take him. And they said, OK, we're going to send two little old men named Charlie and Bob. And my dad's father's name was Charlie and my mom's father's

Bob. So God sent my mom's father and my dad's father there to take my dad. And that's not God that I don't know what is, you know, and I've had so many other amazing experiences like that. And I think it's off because of this program. But anyway, you know, leading into and making those amends and we get into step 10, it says we vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. Vigorously commenced. This means that this is the thing I do on a daily basis and I better get to work with it, you know, and

10 to me was, was was taught as like my walking around spot check, you know, checking myself and seeing where I'm wrong and checking in with my sponsor or a sponsor, you know, if I own a man to make that amends if I'm,

I'm full of fear to, to ask God to remove that, whatever the case may be, you know, it's throughout the day checking that so that I don't have to do 11 step at night. A lot of people get 10 and 11 confused. And

for step 11, it's I write mine. And nowhere in the book does it say to write your 11 step. But I write mine new writing is a form of meditation for me in this book is literally an outline for everything. And it gives us a night and, you know, a night inventory and a morning inventory and prayers. And it tells us exactly what to do. Like literally, if we follow this book line by line, we can have this beautiful way of life, you know, and it's that simple. But for us drug addicts, and we try to make it completely complicated, you know, and

I can definitely tell you that when I don't incorporate these steps, when I don't incorporate my step 11 or my spot check with 10 or prior meditation, any of that, I am freaking crazy. Now you can ask my husband, sometimes I get a little, you know, when I don't have God in my life, But when I put him first and I do the right thing, you know, my day, he seems to go wonderfully. But you know, on on continuing with Step 10,

for me, I struggled, especially after I had children.

I kind of was like, oh, I have this in the bag, you know, like I'm doing really great. I'm a mom and my wife, like everything's wonderful. And there's a part where it says it's easy to look up on a spiritual program of action and rest in our laurels. So for me, I had all these accomplishments, right? You know, I have a job, I'm doing wonderful. I'm paying bills, mom. I have sponsees with that and the other,

but I wasn't really, you know, working in my relationship with God in meditation, you know, wasn't doing any of that. I was just kind of like doing the bare minimum to get by. And I'm telling everyone else they need to do, especially my Fontes and realizing like, I, you know, my own house is not in order and I really need to get, you know, back on track with that.

And so, you know, what I did first was I got on my knees and I asked God help me with that, which is this program tells us to do.

It says every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. You know, that's something that I try to do on a daily basis. You know, it's, it's really easy to, you know, get off track or really easy to let things, you know, get in my mind that gets me off track or whatever. But I know I need to when I'm not doing the right thing or when I'm feeling a little crazy or squirrely or whatever, I know that I need to, you know, ask God for help and guidance with that. And he always pulls through, you know, in this book multiple times, it tells us, you know, to seek God. And when we do that, he.

It's that simple. But I just have to ask,

umm, you know, early when I came into this program meditation, I was probably like seven or eight months over when I realized that, you know, I was putting God first in most areas of my life, but not every area, you know, and my sponsor was like, you really need to start turning everything over to God, not just your finances or not just your relationships, everything. You know, I needed to get in the passenger seat and let God drive the car, you know, And so when I did that, I started to incorporate meditation in my life

slowly but surely. And right before I turn to here, So where I met my now husband, and this is really how I meditation started to really take place. But I would like to share this because it's kind of funny, but it's my story. So when I started seeing my now husband, he was really into prayer meditation, like really into it. And I'm like, well, I guess I should be really into it too since he is, you know, and so we would meditate together in the mornings. And I remember you would have his eyes closed and like peeking over at him to see how you feel like meditating and how he

holding his hands and stuff. Like, I got a copy and I gotta do the right thing. And then I realized that I need to find my own meditation the way that I wanted to do it for myself, you know? And today, him and I in corporate meditation in our life, we pray together, we meditate together, we do it separately, we do it with our Swansea's. It's a huge part of our life and our relationship and our marriage. We wouldn't be the parents that we are today if we didn't have that, you know? And it always makes me sad when I hear

people in meetings when they say, I don't know how to meditate or

I don't really do meditation. It's just not my thing. Like it says prayer and meditation for step 11, like it's together, you know, and, and for me it's, you know, prayers, asking God, meditation is listening. And if I'm just asking God for all these things and not listening, then what's the point of even asking? You know, then I'm just going to put my own will into it. You know, I'm not listening to God. And there's so many different ways to do it. And you know, it just I hope that everyone you know incorporates that in your life. However they however that looks for them, you know, and

12,

you know, prayer, meditation against a huge part of my life in step 12,

giving back to other Alcoholics and sponsoring other women. It kind of incorporates

10/11/12 into all of that, you know, And I remember when I first got my first spot, see,

you know, I knew that going through the steps, they know the main reason was to give back what we've been given, you know, and I can't keep that if I don't give it away. And I remember telling my first sponsor like, no ones going to want me to sponsor them. Like I am not worthy of sponsoring people. I have nothing to offer them, you know, like yadda, yadda, yadda. And

at the time, I didn't have my A car, you know, I barely had anything. And my sponsors, like you finished the steps, right? And I'm like, yeah, like you got a spiritual awakening, right? And I'm like, yeah, she's like your relationship with God, right? And I'm like, yeah, she's like, well, there you go. She's like all it is, this is all you are, is a spiritual guys with the steps.

That's all I am as a sponsor. You know, I'm not a, you know, a financial advisor relationship, you know, advisor or any of that. You know, I'm just a guy and I did exactly what my first sponsor did. I do exactly what my now sponsor has taught me. You know, my sponsor now sponsors a million women, you know, and she's constantly getting back and it, you know, it just motivates me to continue to do the same thing. So my first, you know, my first one to you, it was, you know, it was very nerve wracking. But today, like it's, it's such

spot of my life, you know, and on step 12, it says that, you know, and it talks about life will taking on new meaning. And my life has taken on new meaning today. To have a purpose for so long, like all my purpose I thought was, was just to get high, you know, and then eventually, hopefully, like I would die and I wouldn't have to live this miserable life anymore, you know, and even before I picked up drugs and alcohol, like it was I, I never felt like I had a meaning or a purpose. Like I always felt discontent in my own skin, you know, I'm sure a lot of us can feel

that way. And I was constantly searching for that hole in my soul that my sponsor, his sponsor talks about that, you know, the hole in her soul. And like early on I filled it with, you know, self harm. And then it was guys and then of course, drugs and alcohol. And that was like the meeting to everything, you know, once I once I picked up, it was like no turning back, you know, And you know, for so long I thought that was my problem. It was the guys, it was the drugs, it was the alcohol, it was the shopping. No, my problem is myself, you know, I'm the one that's insane. I'm the one that really needs help, you know, and

this program, you know, as an outline to be able to do that, to be able to change us into, you know, the, the women and the men that God's intended us to be. And so, you know, the women that I have in my life today, at first, when I started sponsoring them, you know, we didn't have a relationship at all. And today we're, we're best friends, you know, and they babysit my children. They become moms themselves. And to see the light go off in their eyes. There's been so many times where

I've taken sponses, you know, been in the Dunkin' Donuts

or we've been outside in downtown Stewart, for example, and we've gotten our knees in front of everyone. I'm like, all right, we're saying this third step prayer right here, right now. Let's do it, you know, and then the Dunkin' Donuts bathroom. Let's go in this dirty bathroom and get on our knees. God doesn't care where we where we need him. You know, he just wants us to meet him. You know, to say that I actually do that get on my knees with another woman was so it is so crazy to even say. I remember when I'm from a small town, Stortstown, Pennsylvania, anyone knows that is, and I was introduced to

a, a

umm, you know, a years back and I knew that this whole program was about God. I knew this whole program. They called it spiritual. I knew all of that. I just really wasn't, wasn't willing to. I didn't think it worked for me. I guess I thought I was one of those terminal unique people. But my first, you know, sponsor in Pennsylvania, she, I remember when we did our third step prayer, we found our knees and like, these people are freaking crazy. You know, these little chants that they're saying these little prayers like this is so awkward, like I cannot do this, you know, and I totally was was selling myself short. And I wasn't open to the

at all, you know, I wasn't open to the idea of, you know, a spiritual way of life. And today I am, you know, and I was in one of these paragraphs and working with others that I really love. And it says both you and the Newman must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us, we put ourselves in God's hands, were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a higher power and you will presently live

wonderful world no matter what your present circumstances. I mean, no matter what your present circumstances, you know, again was insane with my father passing away. Like I'm living this, this wonderful life, like I'm about peace with it. You know, it's sad, you know, I'm, I cry about it a lot, but I'm at peace. I know where God is. You know, I've had friends pass away from this, from this disease. You know, this disease is so real. It's so, you know, it's cutting, baffling and powerful and, like, but I've stayed sober, you know, and

my twin brother is one of us.

And

an Easter to almost two years ago. Yeah, maybe a little over two years ago, he overdosed and almost died. And I remember when I first came down here, I would try to press this program on him. You know, I'm like, no, this program is great. Like this, this is the answer for you. And like, I was doing it wrong. You know, it's about attraction, enough promotion. You know, when I stopped doing that and I just lived the way that I was living, right? And even though he was in Pennsylvania and I was here, he could hear it in my voice. But things had changed that I had an awakening, you know, that I wasn't the same person.

So when he overdosed, studies, turn, almost died, he called me, you know, he called me and he asked for help and he knew where to turn. And that's what we're here for, you know, we're here to change. We're here to have that spiritual awakening, Then we're here to give back that message, you know, and, and, and it's saddening too, when people don't sponsor other people. They say they don't have the time. That's the whole point of this. What's the point of working the 12 steps if you're not giving it away? If you're not helping others,

You know, like, so you know

what my sponsor was saying, you know, last night, so many people are out there dying left and right. You know, we see it every day and, and, and we're in a meeting and something that I even don't do that that well, you know, it talks about carrying the message to the drug addict and alcoholic to them. We don't wait for them to come to us. We carry it to them. And I, you know, I'm that person sometimes that sits back and I'm like, no, they'll come to me. I'll wait for them. No, like they're so scared. Remember how we felt when we were first sitting in those rooms? I mean, at least for me, you know, having to ask another woman to sponsor

leaving, that was so crazy. Took me a little while to ask someone because I was so nervous. You talk about like, it's like asking someone on a date, you know? And but I did it. I did it because I had no other option. I did it because I tried every other way, you know, and none of those ways are working. Catherine's way was no longer working. And you know, again, like I said, I saw people in the rooms doing the right thing and happy and joyous and free, and I wanted that. So I did what they did, you know, And so it's our job,

you know, we don't take anything from my message today. I hope it's at least to go and reach out to the newcomer,

you know, even if they even if they already have a sponsor, even if they don't want one, just be there for them, you know, give them your number, show them this way of life. Because, you know, again, it's a cunning, baffling and powerful disease, you know, and that's another thing. The fact that we suffer from a spiritual malady. That was so crazy to me to even think that like I'm suffering from not having, you know, that powerful relationship with God as well as the body of mind, you know, but

I just the fact that this is been here for years

and I just thought that I was terminally unique and thought that this wasn't going to work for me. And it does, you know. It truly, truly does.

You know,

trying to think what else I kind of want to share with you guys.

No back-to-back to step 11. I kind of wanted to harp a little bit on what it says on page 86 or 88 and my sponsor again, have me do that early on like right away. And so you can totally do that even will freak it to that step. At least that's what she told me. And I and I started doing corporate that right away because again, like when we first come in, you know, we don't have that solution yet. You know, we're feeling

restless, irritable and discontent. And what do we do when to get rid of that? We we get high and I can no longer get high anymore. So I'm like, what do I do to get rid of this? Well, we have to dive into this program. Well, we have to pray. Well, we have to meditate. And I'm like, that's the only answer. Is there anything else that I could do?

You know, I really don't want to. You know, I didn't want that answer, but that was the truth, you know? And so so I did that. I did that. I prayed, I meditated. And we know my life changed. But I want to harp on something else on those pages. Pardon me,

it says here be quick to see religious people are right make use of what they offer throughout this book. It talks about medical doctors, it talks about religious people. It talks about all these things and, and not to knock, not to be prejudice on those things.

You know, this program, it gives us that initial, that initial freedom, but it also tells us to keep searching, to keep seeking, you know, not just to stop here. I feel like a lot of people just stop here, but there's so much more out there. There's so many more books to read. I mean, there's so many different things. And for me, my story, I did, I, I went to the, you know, I found a church that I liked and, and I attended that and, and then I grew more spiritually with God, you know, and that I met other women in that from my church and, and I started doing book studies with that

and my life completely changed. Like I've had so many crazy experiences in church. I've had so many crazy experiences, meditation, you know, so many things that

God opened my eyes too, you know, he really, truly did. And I never thought, I never thought this would be the life that I have. I really never thought it, but it is. And even becoming a mother, that's like a whole other spiritual experience, you know, having a baby. I mean, that's crazy. But God chose me to be a mom. And some people know this about my story, but in my addiction,

I had an abortion and I told myself that I would never, ever, you know, God would never grant me another child. You know, I was not going to ever be a mom again, you know, because I ruined that chance and I wasn't worthy,

you know, and God's all different plan. I truly saw different plan, you know, and today I have a wonderful 3 year old and a two-month old and I just, I can't believe that they're mine. I can't believe this is the life. And each one of you people can have this life, even if you, you know, maybe not the exact life that I have, but just a life of freedom, a life of we no longer have to drink and use, you know, and like I was saying,

I, my life, I was completely homeless. I was hopeless. You know, my aunt was carrying me up the steps of

a place called Mountain Manor in Baltimore, MD. And I was shitting and puking all over myself and all over her. And I wanted to freaking die. And here I am standing in front of you. You know, I literally thought that there was no other way out. And, and when I was in that detox that transferred me down here, I was there for three days before I had showered before I had ate. And then I finally got a mule of me and a shower in me. I found myself falling to my knees and praying. And why did I do that? You know, today I know that the seed was planted

when I was in a the past. Today I know that God was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, you know, and he put me on the plane and I came to Florida and I never thought that I would live down here. I never thought that I would make a life down here, but I did. I did, you know, and I thought that I would go down to like the long term treatment. You know, they're like, oh, six months to a year and I'm like, OK, I'll do like the 30 days and then like the halfway house they talk about and then like maybe get my own place for a little bit and then move back home,

you know? But that, that, that wasn't the plan.

And I've made it home today. I've made a support group. You know, I have amazing women in my life, which was something that I could not, I was not friends with women. You know, I was very intimidated by them, very fearful of them. So I kind of threatened myself with with men and really just kind of, you know, stuck to myself and and it wasn't until this program introduced me to this amazing strong women,

you know which many of them today are my sponsides and my sponsor. Amazing people.

You know,

it's so crazy that we have a program like this. I think about my mom and I think about my family and how they don't have a relationship with God. You know, they're struggling. How does my mom process the death of her husband? I don't know, because she doesn't believe in a relationship with God. She has none, you know? And I'm so grateful for this program. I'm so grateful that it's led me to the relationship with God, the most loving, amazing relationship. And I'm not afraid to talk about it. And I was one of these people in the rooms that would roll my eyes and people would talk about it,

get so angry. Like, what are they? This God thing is so stupid, but it's not. It's truly not. If you don't want to call God, call a higher power, call whatever the heck you want, but don't make it a doorknob people, because you have power over that doorknob. You have power over that. I picking power greater than yourself, however that looks, you know, but we we have a way out. We have that freedom. You know, I was looking for that for so long and I found it. You know, we found it today. It's a huge miracle for us to be in this room to be sober, to be clean

and not be, you know, shooting dope or smoking crack or whatever your preference was, you know, literally like I thought I was just going to die a dope head, you know, I'm just going to shoot heroin for the rest of my life. And the fact to even think of the person that I was, you know, and the person that I am now, like, I don't regret anything that's happened to me. It's just a shock that I put myself in those situations. And God always got me out of those situations. Always, you know, those, those horrid places that the dark places that we thought we would never go, that I did

and God got me out. He always said he was always there doing for me again what I couldn't do for myself. And I can't, I can't, I can't believe it. So, you know, on a daily basis I try to apply these steps in my life, especially 1011 and 12, you know, again with my spot and my spot check, checking myself throughout the day with my 11, my prayer and meditation. I mean, that is huge people, huge, huge, huge, huge growing spiritually, you know, we don't want to stay stagnant.

There's a part actually that made me just think of this, a part in a vision for you, which my sponsors and I like to read this a lot,

but it kind of makes you think what I've talked about, and it's my second paragraph down. It says our book is meant to be suggestive. Only we realize, we know only little God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come if your own house is in order, but obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is a great fact for us.

Abandoned yourself to God. As you understand God and make your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past, give freely of what you find and join us. We should be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you charge the road of happy destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then. It was told to me that trudge means to walk with purpose, you know, and I have that purpose today. I have a purpose to be a woman of God, to be a sponsor, to be a sponsor, to be a mom, be alive. You know, I finally have that

hole in my soul is finally felt, you know, with God first the ones God's in there, all these other amazing miracles, you know, happened. But again, here it says, you know, I can't keep what I have of my own house isn't in order. So I have to do these things on a daily basis. It's not just like once in a while or like once a week or you know, I'll just do it on Mondays and Fridays. No, like is it everyday thing? I'm not perfect. There's some days again where I don't do it and I totally feel it, you know, and people around me can feel the rest.

But I know I know where to turn to,

you know, I know what the answer is for me. And I'm just, I'm grateful again for for this program and for a way out and that, you know, I don't have to wake up anymore thinking about what I'm going to get my next fix or who I'm going to rob or what I'm going to do to get that money. That was like the worst job in the world, the toughest job in the world. You know, to have to always find that money to get what we needed. Like, thank God we don't have to do that anymore. You know, I wake up and I don't have a hangover. I'm not dope sick. I wake up because my child's staring at me in the face saying

wake up my two-month old crying or whatever, you know, that's the beauty. That's the beauty of this life, you know, I don't have to wake up anymore in crack houses or on the side of the, you know, the street on a bench. Like that's not where my life is anymore, you know? And I'm just grateful. I'm grateful for the people that came before me. I'm grateful for this program. And even the fact that there's this program, DAAI think that's amazing too. You know,

I'm part of part of a a but I've been going to a lot more DA meetings and I just think that I just think it's amazing, especially that they use this book the solution,

you know, when we're grateful for all of you that have listened to me speak, you know, and again, if you the one thing that I hope you take you take for my message is the fact that God comes first and everything, right? God is or he isn't what was our choice to be is everything or is nothing. And to carry this message, carry this message to everyone that you know, that needs it, that they might need it, that make that they may, they might not think they want it, but give it to him anyway. You know,

again, it's a it's a cunning, baffling disease. And it's our job to just carry this message and then hopefully save with one alcohol one day at a time.

And God uses the best way to do that. So I guess I'm going to kind of end there. So thank you for letting me share.