The 4th National Annual Drug Addicts Anonymous Conference in Jensen Beach, FL

All right, come in and have a seat, please.

Good morning, everyone. My name is Jimmy. I'm the recovery drug addict

I have in the facility or the outreach institution outreach chair for this convention. My job basically is to go to treatment centers and inform them of what we're putting on here and have them bring their clients.

It means a lot to me because after five years of being sober, I ended up in one of those treatment centers

and

a lot of people in here put on a state convention and I was in the treatment center and we did the countdown and I'm the guy with two days and all my friends that I supper with were up on the panel. It was a very humbling experience. But I can say a year and a half later, like I'm I'm on fire. I get the honor of introducing Ben.

Ben actually spoke in my Home group on Thursday night

which was awesome. He cleans up pretty good compared to flip flops and shorts. But guys got an awesome message. I

God's calling,

I just want to say thank you Ben for making the trip down and to share your experience starting hopefully.

Being addicted,

this is probably going to be the most dressed up I've ever been.

I'm usually, I'm usually the way Zach was describing the dress down. So you're probably happy that I'm dressed up,

but I'm gonna take yourself,

OK? From my accent y'all probably can tell that I'm not from Florida.

I am from Minnesota.

No I'm just getting from Kingsport, TN and just want to put a plug out. We are going to be hosting the DAA conference in Knoxville, TN

next year.

We got a fire lineup, we already got the speakers. We've got shirts for sale just to let y'all know

don't don't spend all your money yet and we are pre registering. I think it's for $15 early registration

and if you come, I think it's 2020 after that and 25 if you show up.

We're a little bit more expensive, y'all. But anyway,

I want, I want to give

a clap for the members of the committee because I'm, I'm telling you, I've been to conferences

and then we put on a conference. You really don't know what you're talking, what they're doing behind all the scenes until you put one on. And then you're like, Oh my God, this is way more work than what you think. And they're doing it for a whole year. They're doing it. And then, you know, group consciousness, they suck.

OK, Think of about doing that with a committee about arguing about

the Africans or do we not do we need this or do we not Oh my God, you just like yeah, we're putting on a conference. He is okay. So anyway I so I I want to give a.

Whenever

I'm getting old,

hey,

there's a place in the back of there is a solution.

Let me find it. Shit.

OK, it says

when Tara spoke last night, man, she did a phenomenal job. I mean, she killed it. And and she, it says right here, each individual in the personal stories describes in his own language and from his own point of view, the way he established his relationship with God. Man, did she not do that

there? I mean, whenever I was listening to her I was like, Oh my God. She is telling how God works in her life and how it was like when she didn't have God,

and I love it. Zach. Oh my God. I need he did a workout up here. I like doing this shit. I was like, Oh my God. OK,

umm, all right, now I guess it's my turn, huh?

I am no matter what kind of guy. I drink and drug no matter what. You know what? Something else I was thinking about it. I love a a a A saved my life, but it is going to be awesome that I don't have to say party favors.

I ain't going to

say outside issues. I ain't going to have to say

something. Milk, alcohol, form of it. I get to save men.

Well, I mean, I can say man day or two, but I just people like, oh shit, where's you going to?

Oh God, you know, you know, and yeah, and I mean, this is pretty awesome. You know, you don't have to be. And then, you know, and I mean, this is another one. I just be honest. I mean, I love I love all fellowships.

It don't matter a a DAA in a celebrate. Look, I don't give a shit if you as miss boys. I was getting anywhere. I don't care. There ain't no I mean because I mean I can not. I'll get up here and hang the lab, judge the other fellowships.

He wasn't here, I was in. But when he comes down to it, I get my wife. She's in NA and she has worked the steps out of the step working guy. And I'm telling you what, she has won the best programs I've ever seen out of anybody. And I know it because I get to see her daily put in action and she is married to me.

She better have a hell of a program

and you know, so I can say you can't get it there. You can't get it, man. I've seen people get it everywhere. It don't matter if it's Adidas, Nike, Reebok, whatever fits your damn foot, put it on.

You know what, man? I mean, I didn't know what? No separation. But I ain't gonna lie. It's gonna be awesome that whenever I say sober,

I don't get judged either.

No, we say clean in here. OK, never mind.

I'm not. I wouldn't go far. Dinner.

Oh, OK, Where was I?

You know, I'm a no matter what kind of guy, I drink and drug no matter what. It don't matter. I mean, it don't matter like he said, you know, it don't matter. My family's on the line. It don't matter. My job's on the line. It don't matter if they tell me I'm going to jail. It don't matter if they tell me whatever, it don't matter. I will promise. I'll be, I'll pledge, I'll swear to God on everything. I'll be like, it's a good idea If I don't do this, I'll I'll put a lie detector test and pass it. But I'm telling you, I do it

anyway. I do it anyway. There was this guy. He got me to do this like little

thing and he told me, he said

write down every way that you have tried to successfully drink or use

and then you know, I was like, OK, I'll do it, you know, any day. So how have I tried? Well,

I won't drink beer or I won't drink vodka because it makes me want to fight. So I'll drink beer. You know, I what I'll do is I won't drink in the mornings. I only drink at night. I won't drink on weekdays. I won't you know, I I won't them do I won't drink. I'll just do value. I'll then next thing you know, I'm doing Valiums and drinking and then I don't remember shit

you ever did. Have you ever done that? Go. I do a bunch of

footballs and then, you know, and then you go into a damn gas station and come out with 50 Snickers,

you know? I mean, I mean,

you know, you're not, you got a coffee for their money. And I mean, and I don't know about y'all, but man, I get on their damn things and I will get naked

inappropriate places

like jail.

I mean, I mean that when he was talking about getting, I was like, Oh my God, I could tell the story about sneaking 20 footballs in and taking them all at once, but I'm not going to do that. Y'all can go ahead and imagine. It went bad, got locked down for a long time.

They will wrong with you. I don't remember,

you know, you know what? That's the thing. Have you ever woke up in jail And like,

yeah,

you ever get the feeling everybody staring at you?

You know, up here you can really tell who the crackheads are.

The meth heads are doing is

I can relate because I've done all of it. So I

OK, all right, let's get serious.

All right,

First time I went to rehab, I went to rehab for

opiates. I got the cheese shake, sweats, did the kicking chicken sweater, the cheeks yellow. I mean it sucked ass. It sucks. I mean, you feel like you're going to die. I mean you're just like, Oh my God, I shouldn't have ever done this. This is dumb, you know, Oh my God, You know what was I thinking? This is a bad idea. I just need one, you know, any I mean it just you know, and it feels like you're going to die, but you know, I mean, you're not going to die, but by God, it feels like it. And then I don't know about

get out of rehab. And then I'm like, OK, what I'm gonna do is I can't do opiates. I mean, it's pretty clear. I mean, it sucks detoxing off of them. So I remember I was at work and there's this guy and I don't know about y'all the opiates. Give me a little, you know, I mean, you know, and so I didn't have that. And then I went to work and there's this guy

and he was zipping by.

I like, I like to see about,

you know, a little fatigued, you know, the next thing you know, I mean, I holler at him and I'm zipping by

and then I'm telling you they, they then they say, you know, I'm getting promotions because they love it when you work 18 hours straight.

They're like, man, they don't even take lunch, but he comes to the bathroom a lot.

And so

I ended up being,

I ended up getting gypped on a bunch of my sacks. So I ended up being an entrepreneur. I started making it.

I don't know if they allow that in Florida, but in state of Tennessee they don't allow you to manufacture meth.

You know, I mean, they don't care if you're driving around doing it

rolling meth lab or not.

Yeah, so I ended up getting busted on the meth lab and that and you know, when it comes back to the first step, you know, is, you know, I remember whenever I got busted, I don't know if y'all ever been scared, like scared scared, like not to the point, you know, I got to do why. I know this is going to suck. It's going to be consequences on that. But this one was I got busted and I knew I screwed my life up. I knew that this one, this one's bad.

This sucks. You know, I mean, I thought about my family, I thought about my Mama and I was like, man, I'm done. And you know, I remember I went to the, I was in the jail cell and I even snuck a 8 ball of coke in and gave it away.

That was pretty damn serious of a pledge. And you know, and then, and then I was in there and I was like, I'm done. I'm not going to drink, I'm not going to drug. I don't care what happens to me in this charge.

I'm done. I'm scared to death. I'm I mean it's over. I'm done. 2 weeks later I got bonded out from the jail cell to the car. I got another great idea.

I mean, the other day when I made that pledge, I mean, I was, I've been up nine days. I wasn't in my right mind.

I acted a little hasty, you know what I mean? I mean, I had, I had detectives on me. I had, you know, I mean it was,

you know, I over promised. I didn't,

you know, I mean, and then So what happened was I ended up

like, OK, I don't need to make it, but I can still do it.

Well, next thing you know I'm in. Next thing you know, I'm in

rehab for meth.

I get out.

I can't do opiates, can't do meth.

So what do I do? I'll start shooting crap. I mean, these are my great ideas.

I mean, this is the best I got.

I mean, you know, and so, you know, I substitute, you know, I substitute, I substitute and I substitute. And I try to do any way in every way. And I try to come up with a new plan. I do it like this. I do it like that. I do it like this. I won't,

I won't hang out with these people. I, I won't have it in my house. I won't buy it from them. I won't, man. I come up with everything to try to successfully do it and I can never do it. And, you know, and whenever he gave me that thing and he told me, you know, and said, you know, how many successful ways have you tried to do this? Well, I've tried every damn way.

And then he says how many ways have you tried not to do it? Well, I don't know about y'all, but I've been saved 53 times

every time I go to jail, you know, I mean, I'm like, I'm the one up there y'all are making fun of because I'm like, yeah, praise the Lord, you know? And then I mean, and I was really meaning from the bottom of my heart. I mean, I because I wanted to be different. I didn't want to be like this. I didn't like being the person I was, but it mean I just didn't know what to do. And I was like, OK, file. If they want me to do this, if he had to help me, by God, I'll do it, whatever it is. And then I go up there and then, like he said, I would go up there. And then I get this good spiritual feeling,

go back to myself and I'll be like, yeah, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good, you know? And then next thing you know, I'm hustling. Got to get something. I got to sneak some cigarettes in, got to them, do this, got to do that. Because I didn't know how to live a different lifestyle. Nobody taught me how a design for a living that works yet. And I didn't know that. I didn't have that. All I knew was I needed something and I didn't know what

and this was good. It gave me a good feeling man. I I going back for it too,

all the time. And then, you know, I, I tried going to psychotherapy, went to psychiatrist. I got preyed on pledged on probation Dome. You know, I mean, I, I mean every, I've tried every way to be able, you know, in, in the big book, he, he puts the blood and puts it on my the Bible with Louis build us. I was like, man, that's the only thing I didn't try.

And it's just because I didn't have noise, you know, I mean, because I would have done that. I would have because I wanted to not do it.

Every way that I tried to not do it and didn't work, I could not entirely stop,

you know, and, and somebody told me entirely it means like forever, you know, and I was like, well, I entirely did for three weeks,

you know, and, but, but I mean like, I could not stop.

So if I can't do it

and if I can't not do it,

the guy said, you know, I remember him saying that. Who came up with all these ideas? I said I got me,

he said. You don't need no more damn good ideas,

you know? And then I looked at it and I was like, Oh my God, I can't do it. I can't not do it. And then I was like, what do I do? You better find something that's going to be able to do for you what you can't do for yourself.

And in as far as I thought I was as good looking as I thought I was, is, you know, in every other area I where I thought that I might be able to successfully be OK in

when he came to this, I could not win. I never could.

You know, and you know, and I really believe this, if you have a good real deep first step experience to

three or a brief

because you don't give a shit who helps you or what helps you, you don't put restrictions on it. Well, like, you know, when you're in jail, do you give a shit who bonds you out?

You know what I mean? He don't say, hey, let me let me check your resume, please.

You know, I mean, you know what you're saying. You know, when you're in jail and you're long now, you don't give a damn who it is. What happened? You. I mean, they could slap my Mama and I'm going to give them a break for a minute.

We, you know, you doing it. You make any better here? You make any better? You know, you know what I mean? Because I mean, because, I mean, at that time, I don't care what helps me. I put no restrictions in. All prejudice aside, all restrictions aside.

Oh, anything that's in my head is aside if they will help me right here, right now. Because right here, right now, I'm miserable and the door is open enough to let anything in.

And then when I get to that spot, when I get to that spot, why? What makes that spot step one?

If I don't get this, I'm not going because I'm not going to go to all links and be open to a new solution if I don't think I need it.

If I'm not well, and it's not that I'm beat up

and it's I've been beat up a lot, it's just I'm finally aware of it.

I'm finally aware that I mean, because I mean, I don't know about y'all, but I knew I was a damn addict way longer than whenever I decided I was going to do something about this. And somebody asked me the other day when you ready. I I tell you I don't. I don't really can put any

why on when I'm ready or anything except for this. When I'm ready,

I I'm willing to go to any length and anything you tell me to do it is open.

If it's to do this, my God, I don't really. Is there another option? No. Well God Dang, I guess I'll do it,

you know? I mean why? Because the option is worse, you know, he was talking about going to the bitter energy, bitter ends, or biting out our intolerable situation the best we can or accepting spiritual help. You know, what sucks is they look the same for a long period of time.

I mean, cuz I'm like, you know, in hotels, you know, it's yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, spiritual help. I mean, is that playing volleyball for the rest of my life at church

and doing bingo And, and you know, and you know, I mean, we don't say. I mean that's why I'm I'm picturing this

but now I'm on the streets of Chattanooga, homeless, jobless, don't got nothing going on in my life at all and I'm still worried about fun.

My definition of porn needs to change

because my definition is fun. Hurt people.

It damaged people

and I'm worried about what's next

if I give this up. What's my identity?

I remember going through and I got to step three, you know, And you know, I ain't gonna lie. Hey, I was mad at God, but I didn't say that. What I said is I can't do this. I can't do this. And

I don't believe in God.

And I remember he was like, oh man, you don't have to believe in God, he said. You just got to do it,

OK?

You know, I mean, because I mean, that's simple because I mean, I, I did not do, I did not do this believing that it would work. I did not believe. I didn't not have no knowledge that it would work. I, I heard that it worked with somebody else that I didn't believe. I thought they were fake. You know, I, I saw it in others. I heard it all this, but I did not know it

would work for me because I angled life. I thought it was a goner. I thought I'd done too much bad stuff. I thought I hurt too many people.

I thought this,

There's no way that somebody like me was ever going to get help like other people do,

not with what I'm the shameless in me, what I've done.

And so

I remember going to my 4th step and

my first resentment on there was my dad.

My second one was my mom for marrying my dad,

and the third one was God

in my sponsor. You know, he, he goes hold up, hold up, hold up, he said. You just got done saying you don't believe in God. Now you're mad at him,

he said. He said. You think you might be confused?

I said you, you sponsored people. Y'all kind of tricky. I gotta watch you man,

but in in in. I don't know about y'all, but what happened to me was is there was some issues

from back here

that I got so mad at God

that I didn't want to. I just stopped believing that there was one. It's kind of like, you know, you get mad at something, you just want to act like they don't exist. That's what I did with God

because because I'd hear it and it just pained me and you know, and really would it come down to it is I did believe in God is this idea is just my belief was crazy. I thought he'd done shit to me. I thought he done this life to me

and then I so I did. So when I got to the step four, I didn't. Blind faith,

just hoping, hoping that something was going to save me man. Something was going to because I don't know about y'all. I woke up every day not wanting to kill myself but don't want to live one more day like this, chasing that, doing this,

having to hurt them.

I'm going to go back to the

Whenever I went to my last rehab,

when I went to the rehab, I did not want. I didn't go because I wanted to quit drinking a drug.

The reason I went was I wanted to quit hurting people.

I couldn't quit hurting people.

I was a parent abuser, I was a child abuser, I was a spouse abuser, I was a friend abuser. I was a employer abuser. I was whatever it. Everybody that touched my life, I used and abused them

and it hurt myself,

but I didn't know anything else to do. So whenever he got to the 4th step, I you know, I remember

my sponsor got me to doing columns. He told me, you know, and did my, my first one was my dad. And then in the 'cause you know, because

raising me, I was mad at him was because he abandoned me.

He beat my Mama,

he beat my brothers.

Entitled in in that they ended up beating me when he left.

Umm,

he didn't teach me how to be a man

and he always promised to take me fishing and he never would.

He'd always. And he was an alcoholic drug addict.

I mean that in I was mad,

grudgingly mad, you know, it says resentment list and grudge. You know, I ain't gonna lie. I didn't know what the hell what resentment was when I first came in here, but I knew what a damn grudge was, you know? So whenever it's his resentment lives and grudley, I was like, and I get the guys I sponsor to put a grudge over because that just sounds cooler but

meaner too, you know, OK,

And you know, I mean,

I got in there. I got in that resentment. I mean, I was pretty

tore up about it and then it, so we went on to another and he went to my mom, you know, and it was because my mom embarrassed me,

you know, she wasn't the mom that I wanted.

Umm, she

we was poor

and I blamed it on my Mama.

We live in poverty, extreme poverty. I mean, like

the place where you don't want your friends coming over to your house, you know, and, and with attention seeking person like me, that sucked,

you know. And so

I mean, this is kind of it was so bad that if you turn the lights out when you turn them back on all you you saw bugs.

I mean, it's how nasty and in that I live and then,

you know, and then God, I was

resentful at the end of the guy that sexually abused me

and I remember doing it, man.

When I say this, I mean he was older than me,

but and then I remember, you know, because it really bothered me. I didn't think that it ever bothered me because I didn't think if anybody didn't know that it wouldn't bother me. But inside what happened was because there was a male I my sex sexual identity was I was always questioned it am I gay? You know what I mean? You know, and then and then I got homophobic because of it, because.

I always make jokes it that stuff and then, you know, and then and then I was sexually abused by a female also. And so then I'm scared of women

but wanted their attention.

So I mean all my, you know, and so, you know, it goes through, I go through this and, you know, and we see this and then we and I, we go over to my mistakes. And of course I didn't have no mistakes, but I remember my sponsor. He says, but he says, Ben, he says, maybe the only mistake you ever had in this is you never let it go. You never faced it, and you're this old and you're still

living with it.

And, you know, I never thought of that. And I've looked back. I look back and I see that, you know, and, you know, I know my identity today. I'm not gay. It's OK to be gay. I don't care what anybody else is. I mean, rock on, but I'm not. I got, you know, and I didn't know that

and that really sucked. I mean not knowing who I was

and you know, in and I remember going to, you know, I remember doing

my dad.

He we went back to my dad and then he he says, Ben, he says, didn't you say that your dad, your grandfather got drunk and shot your grandma

and killed her? And I said, yeah, he said, so you're the dad didn't have

mom or dad. I said, right. He said where they did he live? I said, well, he he went from family member to family member and then he learned how to hustle. And then he started playing pool and cards and, and then the next thing you know, he's just a hustler. He knows how to hustle. He become a bootlegger and he become a he ended up owning a little small bar knocking gun club. You know, I mean, he this is what this is. This is what he knows.

And then he says, didn't you say that he beat your Mama?

I said, yeah, any meet your brothers? I said yeah, he said,

and he was an alcoholic, drug addict. I said yeah, he said. Man, have you ever thought that maybe God saved you from him?

He said. He said if he'd have been in your life, he was the next one to get beat.

I mean, how was he going to be able to teach you something that he could? It wasn't talk to him only thing look what he was going to teach. He was going to teach you how to hustle more than you already know how to hustle,

he says. You know, in your alcoholic, drug addict,

he says. How good of a parent have you been?

Consider I suck.

I'm no good,

he said. Did you mean to be no good?

I said no, I didn't mean to be, he said. Did you hurt them on purpose? I said absolutely not. I didn't constantly wake up one day saying I think today's a good day. Today I hurt my kids,

he said. Maybe, just maybe, he didn't mean to hurt you.

And I was like,

well, I'll give him a little break,

you know, and then, you know, and this is, thing is, is if I didn't do the process, if I didn't do this with another, with a sponsor, if I didn't do this with another man armed with facts of his life, I, he would not have been able to help me see it from a different point of view. I need somebody to help me because I am emotionally attached to this and I hate him

whether in in in he helps me. See the reason I hate him is because I am him.

I obey my kids.

I got physical women, women.

I'm absolutely ashamed

of even sharing that,

but they're too. I was.

I am an alcoholic drug addict.

I didn't teach my kids how to be a man.

I didn't teach them. I didn't take up

may not tell you what it is real. I will. I will drink. I would drug at you. I would drug because my my daddy did this to me. I will. I will drug because I'll I'll take drugs because you know I want to fit in all the drugs. You know, because I was in poverty. I was like this. I was like that,

but I go for oblivion

when I've become the person I hate because it's so unbearable.

It sucks being me

because I know who I am.

Because see, The thing is, is everybody else knows some of the shit I've done. I know it all

in this house on Xanax's. I didn't go in blackouts. I like stimulus, so I knew everything where everybody was doing

shit. I'll tell you what. Hey, I remember whenever I fired, you know, when I first came in, you know, I was like, you know, inventory. I don't want to do no inventory. And then I remember my sponsor, he said, man, Ben, he says, you know how to do inventory. He says you just don't know how to do yours.

Basically you damn good at everybody else, you know, And then and now I realized all my inventory on me is how bad I judge you.

So I'm inventory in my inventory and

y'all don't do that, I'm sorry. We do in Tennessee.

So.

So

I gotta say what time it is,

yeah.

OK.

OK. So

you'll know in the fifth step

it talks about. You would think I'd have this

really, but you know, I was thinking about this earlier. I think about this early, earlier about

somebody was talking about insurance, all that stuff. You know it, they hit John. Johnny was talking about he has all that stuff. And I was thinking, I do too. It's because my wife makes me,

Hey, I mean, I and you know what I was thinking about, you know, I, I made most laws most of the time, I mean, except for I get down speeding tickets and I just don't want to pay them sometimes all the time, you know, and then I was thinking, you know, when my wife it's awesome to have a wife that's not like you because she

like goes, she like if two weeks, if a bill is due to in two weeks, she starts freaking out like, I gotta pay is I gotta pay this. And you know, and I'm like, I'm totally opposite. I'm like if they're not sending letters saying that, they're taking it.

It ain't do

I mean. I mean, I, I go into action whenever action is needed,

you know? I mean, I'm not gonna waste my action, you know?

Oh, my God. I was like, I'm still very much in spiritual kindergarten in this. OK, It it says right here.

Oh my God.

OK, right here it says that they took inventory. All right. OK Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they failed. We think the reason is they never completed house cleaning.

It says they took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst atoms in stock. They only thought that they had lost their egoism and fear. They only thought that they had home of themselves but they had not learned enough humility, fearlessness and honesty in the sense we find it necessary until they find told someone else all their life story.

OK, so

for a long period of time in recovery, I'd done my 4th and 5th step and I went through and stuff and

I didn't tell it all.

Hung on to some of the worst. I hung on to the worst

and I had a daughter and my daughter

when she was born, she was sick and I was up in Virginia and my

my daughter's mom was in Athens, TN and I was out there

and they told me that my daughter was in ICU in Knoxville. So I raced on. When I raced home, I was detoxed in the Aussie room, ICU room. And when I was in there detoxing, I told everybody I had the flu, but I was detoxing and I wanted everybody think that I was just good dad that supported his daughter.

I was this good dad. I wanted everybody think it was but I wasn't

and my my daughter ended up passing away.

When my daughter passed away,

I could not care,

cannot feel.

I really I

didn't have the ability to care from the person I was supposed to love the most

that she just passed away. All I could think of is this is going to be a good excuse to go to emergency room and tell them that I'm having a nervous breakdown and get some Valiums. And that's exactly what I did.

And then I went from that and I went to, I went from that and I went to get

some more dope and I went to the dope dealer's house. And I remember going up there in the dope dealer, He he heard about it and he says, Ben, Ben, he says,

he said, I heard about your daughter, man. He says that's sad, man. He said I'm so sorry.

He says if there's anything that I can do for you, he says let me know man.

And I said, all right, man, hook me up, bro.

I used my daughter's death to get more dope

and then I got drunk

and on Zen exes and went to the funeral and acted at ass and they cut a law on me. I couldn't even go to my daughter's funeral

and wondered why

I couldn't ever get clean.

Wonder why, because I mean, you know, this is the I won't God in my life. You know, in, in the jail cell

when I, when I was wanting God and, and I was, I didn't know that I was blocked.

I didn't know they had so much shame. I didn't know I had so much fear. I didn't know I had so much anger and resentment. I didn't know I was so damned that I would. I mean, it was just so full

and I didn't know that that was keeping me from God.

And I doing this for step and I saw how blocked I am from God. But I'm going to tell you I've done this and it was enough at the moment without telling this other stuff. I got a little connection to God

even without telling this worst idol, and it kept me sober

for years.

And you know, and you can do enough until it's not enough.

And then, and then you know, when it's not enough is whenever you get to that place where my man was talking about 7 to 10 years. I got about nine years and I was miserable. I was just acting out. I was in sick life.

I was living dirty in recovery.

I was the person that was living double life in recovery man.

And then, and I remember, and this right here is, you know, you, I called this one guy and I, and I was miserable and I didn't want to call my sponsor because my sponsor was 80 something years old, you know, and, and, and I just told him, if I, you know, if I told him I was watching porn, you know, I, he,

he's been sober since Jesus. So I mean, you don't even know what port is, you know, I mean, I, you know, I mean, and so I wouldn't tell him. And see, I got so close and my sponsor that I felt if I told him the way I was acting and the way I was living and the way I was thinking, that he would be disappointed in me and he would leave me just like my father did. And you know, and this is the thing that I've learned is I, I'm always afraid that everybody's going to leave me if they know me

because everybody leaves me. In my mind, everybody leaves me now. I'm always afraid to tell anything and get vulnerable and be authentic with you because I'm afraid you're going to leave me just like everybody else has left me.

And so I didn't tell him. So I called this other guy and I told him. I said, you know, I said, you know, because I knew he was sick, you know, and,

and, and I and, you know, but I loved him, you know, I mean, he's a little bit older than me in recovery and stuff, you know, an older

in age and, you know, and, but I know a lot of his stuff. So I was like, I'll call him. So I called him and I told him I was,

you know, and then he he look, he I remember on the phone he said, Ben, you got to you don't need to be doing that.

How was I? No shit.

And I was like,

and he was like, well, you're ever, you know, And then I was like Rathi. And I was like, this dude, recovery sucks. My God, I went out, you know, I was like,

I'm done with him, you know, I hung up, you know, you know, in, in what happened was