The topic of surrender at the DAA 10th anniversary convention in Oxford, UK

Hi, my name is Adrian. I'm a drug addict and he got a call about a few weeks ago that I'm going to be sharing here.

The I said, well, I've only ever done 2 shares and, and you know, since I come to the meetings and he says you'll be all right. There only be six people. Yeah,

the recipes walk to the end. No, I'd be all right. It's not about me anymore. And and one of those shares saved my life

in July last year, so I want to do the same for someone else now. And I started using when I was about 20 in Germany. My mom was German, my dad is British, and she took me to Germany. And I quickly quickly escalated and started getting into crimes and burgling houses

even at night when people were still in their houses and threw him smashing grabs in shops. And I'd go to any lengths to to to get my jokes.

And it, you know, I like the feeling was,

you know, I was a lost child and a lost teen teenager already before I ever started using drugs. And drugs made it feel normal. I felt, you know, I felt abnormal, everyone else's. And I've gotten used to it. You know, I couldn't imagine being without that feeling

anymore. And because of all the crimes that I tried supplying people with heavy rain for a while

at this picture on my head.

Lots of lots of dollars and mountains of coke. And for my mountains of coke, you needed a magnifying glass. Another penny jar on the table and the leg also. And scabies.

I was living the dream, you know, and,

and so I was in prison for in Germany, in prison

for three, three years and three months. I would use in prison as well every time I could. And I would manipulate my mom to bring me in drugs.

My mom was dedicated in her life to to helping me get off drugs. And you know, mum was raided at home and she was burgled by all people money for jokes. And my mom went for hell and she will always forgive me. People say throw him out. You know, he's wearing in your life. She would kick off with them, you know, and say no, no, he's got this mystery illness. He's always tired. And you know, Mama, my mom stick up for me and, and

yeah, the British Embassy came to visit me in prison towards towards the end of my sentence

and said we've got some books for you. And I couldn't even speak English. I'm British. I've got a British passport. My dad was British. I was born here. But I never realised that I may have to go. You know, it's class A's. And they said they're going to deport you and you get all of you. I was like, well, you know, and,

and yeah, come out of prison. And they gave me a choice to, to either get deported or

go here voluntarily. So I came here voluntarily because they said it will save you a lot of, you know, red tape and stuff. And I arrived here in England rattling again, no English, you know,

I met a girl pretty quickly. So I helped got married. I don't even know how I got married with a bit, you know, sat in the room with her parents and

and then when you when you're gonna get married. And then you said we're gonna pay for this that. And you're like, yeah, I'm yes to that. Yes.

So I you know, I ended up in in 2012. I ended up really, really injured. My leg was was about to be amputated. Like also, you could see the fabula. My friend Claire wants me to tell you about the market story. I was treated with Marcus. I won't go into details. That's disgusting.

So

I was broken and mentally and physically by 2012, but I had to stop. I couldn't get the needle in anymore. I couldn't you know shooting up snowballs every day, day and night.

So it took me 3 years to come up. I was taking method on all otherwise I was using heroin and crack. I was, I was on the methadone program, supposed to be a program to reduce, but I kind of get going up, you know, So,

so in 2016, a coma of all drugs for the first time in I think 26 years or so. It was a shock to me, you know, my behavior got worse. I met a beautiful wife, my wife now, and and I became a dad. You know, I never thought I would come with that because I thought I destroyed that part, you know, and I have a little boy, he's three years old now. But I just couldn't get better, you know? I woke up in the morning

depressed.

I would go home at night and feeling suicidal and then start drinking at weekends because I just couldn't enjoy life. I didn't enjoy my recovery. It was shit. And I thought if this was what recovery is like, I don't want to be in recovery, you know,

and, and it got so bad last year,

I tried to try to take my own life in July, I think it was in July. It was like a blow, you know, and survived that. And I met this guy from the services for a volunteer. He said, you can't work here anymore because you need to get yourself better. And he kept asking me what I do for my recovery. I said volunteering college. I mean I literally exhausted every option there was to to to get a better life. But it didn't get any better for me.

I torture mentally. I mentally abused my wife,

my mom, you know, I hate towards my mom, you know, I love my mom so much, you know, and she passed away this year in May.

And he said, I want you to go to, to, to this meeting in the same building. It's called DIAI thought he said DIA, you know, So is it because of my leg? No,

I'm not going there, you know,

but because he was so kind, you know,

I went there and I sat there and what you just said, I thought I was in the cold and for people going to lay hands on me

and and, and the first year, you know, and it was my story. I only remember one sentence the guy said and it was I feel as useful as a plastic bag float in down the street. And that was me. I felt that useless, you know, that useful. And I sat six months listening to shares when I kept coming back, you know, it was an atheist since the age of 14.

God hate almost, you know, make really bad comments about it. And and just before Christmas this year, I started my program.

I thought I had nothing to lose anymore, no choice. I didn't want to go back to that life anymore and started step one. And in step one I found out what I was suffering with. And it wasn't the drugs, the alcohol. So it was life, you know, the way I behaved, I was always nice to everyone as long as everything went my way.

It never did. It was nice at all. And, and, and in step one, I realized, you know, when I, when I self diagnosed myself, I was a type 3 addict and, and, and, and it was bad news in a way, because step one told me that I'm going to use again, you know, I'm going to definitely going on my history of using. I'm doomed. You know, it was bad news,

but then step two was really, really

deeper thought and is talking about this power and how to find how do you do it? And talking about so many, many of us who came here like the same as me,

atheist, agnostics and not in there. And and, and there was one bit where it says where where do you find that power? And my sponsor said to me, take a line out and write the generator. And so where's the generator deep inside you. And I think I found well,

what was searching for probably all my life

and

and then I did step three. That was pretty much, you know, old school going on my knees, my sponsor repeating after him. And it felt so good. All this worry and stress, you know, I didn't really get the whole step free player, but apart from the lines will leave me of the one initial. So, you know, and and take away my difficulties. That was so powerful. And after that I felt a change, you know, and I started smiling and I thought what the fuck is happening to me

and try to explain it. But I and I and in in the past, I would always think

things are going to go wrong. I don't think that anymore, you know, And

it just got better and better, really. I'm still learning. I'm listening all to people. You know, I've got amazing. I have no friends before. I've got the biggest dysfunctional family you can ever think of. You know, my mom, before my mom died, she always said, what you going to do when I'm not here? And mom was my only family here. I said, mom, I'll be all right. Believe me. She already met my sponsor and some of my friends and we talked openly about her. Because I'm a mummy's boy, you know, I need my mom.

And

even after she died, I found myself feeling all right. And I run my sponsor. I said I'm feeling guilty, you know, because I feel really good. And she said no. And he said, well, you know, your mum wants you to happy. My mum was really sick and she wanted to go so so I started to feel good, you know, because I had my program every day was my mum was sick. And after she died and I still got that. Now, if I don't have my program, I have nothing. And

I just had my first interview in 25 years, a job interview. I've got a yes, you know, got a yes. That's a four worker job studying counselling. I'm, I'm getting up every morning enjoying life on the phone with my friend Paul here. You know, at 6:00 AM he rings at 4 sometimes.

You know, I need these people everyday and they're all there for me at the funeral,

you know, if any was there, you know, I was, I was all over the place. I didn't know where to start. Is it? Don't worry, don't worry. I remember looking at him and that that was all I needed to know. You know, we are sure. And

I started sponsoring people myself, no. And look, seeing them get better, you know, it's just can't get any better at the moment. And stop worrying about things going wrong.

And yeah, my, my, my sponsor, you know, he has got a lot of

patience. As I say, he's no St. but I'm so, so appreciate what he's done. And, you know, my whole life changed and, and I thank God for the AAM, my friends. Thank you very much.