The topic of "How the programme helps with relationships" at the DAA 10th anniversary convention in Oxford, UK

Thanks. OK, My name is Gina. I'll have this. I'm hoping to park here how fast my heartbeat is in the sort of Mike I've got here.

So two days ago I was in bid pass celebrating being one year clean and sober, one year free of all my daughter altering substances. Which for me was massive because I spent almost 11 years prior to that in another fellowship knowing that I had problems alcohol. I was a chronic alcoholic. I was a raving drunk,

but I didn't acknowledge or accept my drug use. I was in absolute denial. And that's partly because I like, unlike a lot of people in this room, I didn't use crack or heroin or cocaine. All of my drug use was prescription medication. And I thought, hey, you know what prescription medication, it's given to me by a doctor, right? So it's OK, You know, didn't matter. It wasn't always my prescription. It didn't matter that I never took it as it said on the label,

you know, and where that that that medication, where that stuff took me was the same place as any of you guys, you know, whatever your drug of choice is, it took me to the same place.

So I character defects,

I don't really, really dysfunctional and unfortunate and messed up childhood and I hid behind that for a really long time. It's really difficult and where most people were probably learning life skills

and, and how to have relationships, even friendships, that kind of stuff, you know, there was no opportunity for that for me. So I held myself in this place from a very young age of hey, I'm special and different, you know, and I carried that huge, huge problem.

So I carried that forward in, in my life. And I love the fact that the, the, this part is, is from page A2 where it talks about the tornado. You know, that was me. That was me. I was a tornado for the lives of everyone that I came into contact with because I couldn't take responsibility for myself. I never learned how to do that. And I was so filled with fear, so consumed with this crippling anxiety that I can still feel today,

but I just wasn't able to do to do anything, you know, I couldn't have normal conversations with people. Everything was really hard. My life was really intolerable. And from I think I was 15 years old and I tried to take my life for the first time and it was really fucking hard, you know, and I discovered alcohol first of all, when I was 14. And from my very first use of that, I

had gone to a party which got thrown out and we all got thrown out because I basically threw up everywhere. I told some

going was my, my, my best friend's brother. I wanted his babies and he tried to kiss me and it was sick. And I woke up the next day in a strange house, no jeans on my where am I fuck, you know, And that was my experience. That's what happens to me when I put substances in my body, whether it's alcohol or drugs. It takes me. I don't know where I'm going to end up. I'm a real liability. And so I kind of went through life like that and I became known to the mental health services quite early on

for severe anxiety, depression.

And I just carried this, these defects of this, you know, non not able to take responsibility to the point where if it was a day like this and I was supposed to be going to work and it was raining, I'd be like, don't you know, I don't go to work on days like this. You know, I actually believe that the world owed me something and I went through life

treating people on society generally like they owed me something and it was really should wait to be. I caused a lot of harm and a lot of distress to family members, to people that were potential friends, and I found myself in and out of really, really destructive relationships.

I was in the domestic violence relationship for eight years and then found this other guy who was happily engaged to be married to this lovely lady. And I decided, hey, he's going to Get Me Out of this

domestic abuse relationship that I'm in. And I used him for that because that's what I did. I used people, you know, because it was like, hey, the world owes me, so I'm entitled to this. So I was, yeah, Drinking and

my used drugs through that, you know, it kind of carried me through. It was my solution because I couldn't tolerate how I felt and I needed to change the way that I felt. And I just literally was this tornado of mess going all the way through my life, created lots of lots of harm, lots of lots of difficulty,

accidentally got pregnant, became a single mum pretty quickly because, you know, who would want to be around me when I was such a liability? And the way that I treated people was just just awful.

And I had a serious car accident and I was introduced to more prescription medication, which was on the opiate painkillers. And then I was really often in danger. And the combination for me of the alcohol and the, you know, the meds, I just, I lost my mind. I became completely insane and started to appear then at mental institutions and I was an impatient about

from that eight times over, you know, three or four year period of time. And I had literally people, you know, health professionals saying she's hopeless. There's nothing we can do. We're just going to throw away the key with this one because, you know, she's just going to end up dead

by the grace of God. Something in my head changed and I ended up appearing at a fellowship for alcohol use and managed to put down the alcohol but did not put down the prescription medication because hey, I didn't have a problem because it was from a doctor, right?

So for about a decade then I just continued being completely unable to see my part in things, continued the same old behaviour because I wasn't working, so I wasn't putting the action in. You know, I had step one. I knew I was powerless. I had Step 2

beyond that, didn't really have my life and my will over, and I pretended. I lied and all this deceit that I'd learned, you know, from my family life growing up. I just carried that into how I was with everybody else. I was never honest. I didn't do a proper step forward.

It took me a year and a half to do my step four. And I said, hey, but that's OK 'cause this is my journey, right? And you know, I do it how? And I was just so sick that I, you know, it needed this on and it was just all crap and it was just all self denial and bullshit. So I kind of tumbled on through that. And then so, so anyone who tried to be my friend in the fellowship, you know, there was more harm and more destruction. And I just kept piling up these resentments and not doing anything with them because I wasn't working a proper program.

And then basically it kind of got to a head. So just over a year ago where well, just before that, shortly before that, I had some some friends

in the summer fellowship who was saying to me, hey, Julie, this special cupboard that you've got at home labeled for your prescription medication. Should you really have that? You know, are you are you really clean? Do you not think you should do something about that? No, no, no, it's fine. Ending up with me saying, yes, I'll get rid of all this, whatever is left. And you know, bending over the toilet bowl, counting the last ones. And I couldn't, I couldn't flush. I couldn't. And I was like, I can't do this, I can't do this. Within a few weeks, I ended up nearly dying of an overdose of opiate

medication and really frightened myself and was thankfully able to come into this fellowship. And unlike the other fellowship that I've gone to, where I was shown lots of love and I was shown a program that I chose not to work. But then I was told by some of those around me, but it's OK, 'cause you haven't had a drink. And I was like, but you can't tell me that because if I carry on as I am, I'm going to die. I just nearly did, you know? And I had to. So I had to take, for the first time in my life, I had to take responsibility.

And someone from this fellowship said to me, look, you know, you need a new experience with the steps. You need to go through this a different way.

And they took me through really, really quickly, really intensely. And I grabbed hold of this stuff like it said in the previous thing, you know, with the desperation of the drowning man. And I really, I, I, I, I have nowhere else to go. I've been broken so many times. I've got to that place of absolute desperation and, you know, wanting to die and trying to kill myself so many times. It's like have to change. I have to do this differently. So I did and I applied myself completely. I gave it everything. I gave everything to this.

I started working with people

quickly, taking them through like I'd been shown in this new way, giving them a new experience. And so far this in this year, I've been through the book, through the steps 11 times, either myself going through them or taking someone else through them. And for me, that's what I've had to do. The most important thing I can do now is think about other people. What can I do for other people? How can I be of service to someone else? Because otherwise, you know, if it's just about me, I will just go back to my default ways. And it doesn't take very long,

you know. But I am so happy to see that I was still teachable 'cause I didn't think I was, you know, I really didn't think I was. And

so today I can be, you know, I can be a mother to my daughter. You know, she trusts me again now. I can be a daughter to my mother. I can be a partner. You know, I'm in a loving relationship now. I couldn't do that before, you know, it wasn't possible. It just wasn't possible because I didn't, I didn't understand that my actions caused pain in other people. I just couldn't see that I was, you know, like a psychopath almost. Except it wasn't like that. It was more just

I was oblivious and naive. I don't know. So, so now on a daily basis, what do I do the moment my eyes open in the morning? I do my step three prayer and I follow it with my step 7 prayer because I am acutely aware that my character defects are really dangerous. And if I spend a day and then I am in trouble pretty quickly. So, but I can take responsibility for my actions. I can go to work when it's raining now, you know, like everybody else, you know, because I'm not special and different. But it's, you know, the denial. I I thank you.

It shocked me so much to just see how much denial I can be in. And I was in for a really, really long time, you know, as a really broken person. And just by applying myself to the program as it's outlined in the big book. No, no other way, just as it's outlined exactly as it says in there. And that's how I take other people for it. And I do this every day to the best of my ability. And my life is so different. My gratitude list today. The last item on there was I have a life today that is beyond my wildest dreams. I hope that crying out

I got on a plane for the first time in nine years because I was so terrified. I was so terrified. I couldn't do anything. My world had gone from being about that big to being that big. You know, it was tiny. And now it's starting to open up again and I can do stuff. You know, I've just been to good past and just had an amazing time. You know, I can I can do stuff. This fellowship has given me a life back and it is all possible. Just you just have you have to put the action in. So you know, thank you God, my relationship with God now is the most important thing in my life. I'll even though thank you.