The Freedom & Hope group in Grapevine, TX

That prayer that we read, I mean that last line of that

how it works clicked differently today for me. It says something that God couldn't we would if he were sought and for me it was God can and he did because I did seek him. And that's what shifted for me because I was on the couldn't wood and it never happened. I never got the connection and something different happened.

One thing that I'm going to sort of start with my using career from the last time

I used because I told someone something about it today and it really it floored me. And you'll get that joke here in a second.

It's it floored me pretty bad actually, because I felt it again. And that's what it took for me because see, I could lose some stuff, you know, I lost a lot of stuff. I remember watching my wife and kids getting driven away with their dad in EU Haul because I couldn't stop.

You know, I had DWI's. I went to jail.

I pawned everything I owned, and I pawned everything you owned if you were near me and that wasn't enough. That didn't mean I was an addict either. What means I'm an addict is that

I'm never gonna be OK sober or drunk if I'm using unless I have a power in my life.

And if you're like me, if you're an addict like me and any real dope friends like crack heads in here because see, that's a whole different animal. We were talking about the paranoia behind crack and smoke and meth and

shooting cocaine, and it's a different animal.

I mean, it really took it to another level. So let me tell you about that last time

I'm sitting flush with cash. I'm making 200,000 a year. I got a nice house, no debt, life is amazing.

I'm driving in a black five series BMW. Everything looks great and I cannot live. I don't know how to stop. I didn't want to use anymore and I didn't want to stop.

I would do a hit and I didn't get high anymore and I was hitting all day every day. I was getting delivered to my house. I never had to leave

and I wasn't going to run out of money. I was going to run out of life.

This happened. I would do a hit

because I was going insane and I wanted relief and my mind said take that hit and it'll be OK. And I would take that hit and for 110th of a second I felt OK. And that was only the first hit I did

from the last time I slept, which would probably be two to three days before.

And I'd feel OK for one second and then something took off on me and it says you got to do more.

And I couldn't do more. I didn't have enough body weight on me. I was getting that Gray skin look. I wasn't sleeping,

I wasn't eating, I wasn't communicating with people. I had isolated myself.

I'm holding a pistol in my hand.

I got dope in every room. Literally in every single room

because I don't know what room I'm going to end up in because when I did, I didn't leave it and I just made sure I had myself situated. But this is what I do. I do that hit

and I'd get so catatonic, paranoid schizophrenic that I would lay on the ground listening for the SWAT team. That never showed up.

In addition to that, it got so bad that I do that hit and I was breathing like from my throat. It was like this

and I was so scared and I wanted to feel that feeling to give me some comfort. And I wasn't getting it anymore.

I'd get on the ground and it was winter time. It was cold on the floor, wood floors, and sweat was dripping off my nose. And I have my ear on it pressed so hard that the dirt from the floor would leave an imprint when I got up. And I'd get up about 18 to 20 minutes later and I'd do another hit and go right back on the floor. And I would do that 28 hours, 30 hours until I fell out. And I didn't fall out. I had to do Ambien to go out

because I couldn't shut it off.

The body said feed me.

That allergy took me over and said feed me and my mind says I got nothing left. It goes bullshit you started this, get out there and feed me. So here's the sadness. I told these guys this today and I've never

see. I'm recounting this horror because this was rough man, cuz I feel this today.

At the end of the run,

I would pop that hit. And by the way, I wasn't doing hits guys. I was doing like 1/2 a 50 at a time because I had so much. I didn't care. I was, I didn't care. I was just taking it and I would be like wobbling. I'd go to the ground and I started to put my arms behind my back waiting for the cops to kick in the door. I was basically assuming an arrested position without a cop involved. No one's at the door,

no one's coming, but I believed in my head that it'd be better to be down here because they're going to shoot me when they kick my door in.

That's the psychosis I was living in.

Fast forward it.

This is how I Live Today. I'm not kidding you. I don't know how. Yeah, I do know how it happened, but no one wants to do it. That's so bizarre.

It's sad, actually. They show how the change came over them. When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith. I've got nothing else for you. If you're in the hearing, you're a dolphin and you think I got something pretty to tell you, I've got nothing.

Just like I did last week. I did it again this week and I didn't plan it. I got here after driving about 45 minutes and drinking a monster and water. I went in there and pissed.

Something impelled me to get on my knees on that bathroom floor and give my life over. And I'm going to tell you why

I was blessed with a life. Consider this bottle. Me

and God poured life into me and he poured consciousness and he poured reality and the ability to see and enjoy life

and I set out to destroy it

all the time

and what he asked for me to get me free, He said I need you to pour this back out into me. And this is all I had,

by the way. It was dirty water,

dime bag, empty dime bags in it, you know, floating around all nasty. I got nothing to lose. I don't want to drink it, but I didn't want to give it up because it was all I had

and I did.

I gave it up.

So I go back and I look when I was a little kid, you know,

my using store would take too long. It would just take too damn long as it was too long.

Guys, I needed a hit as a little boy. I'm talking a little boy.

And

I couldn't get that because I didn't know I needed a hit. I just needed something because I was never OK. I was. I was so not OK that they could. They proved it to me because they put me in an orphanage and said you're not OK, so you belong here.

And I get out of there and I go to foster care. After foster care. And one of the foster cares, I was seven, they made me do their son's paper out up in Cleveland, OH at 4:00 in the morning. And the snow was almost as tall as up to my shoulders. And I'm running through this snow, pouncing to just throw a paper as far as I could.

I'm in this house with my little sister and they have two kids.

I'm saying this because I'm feeling this again.

They were. They weren't feeding me enough. I grew up hungry.

I don't know if you'll know what that feels like.

Single mom on welfare in five states

with nothing

projects.

They had come into my bedroom 1 morning and they saw crumbs in the bed because at night I went and snuck some food out because I was starving and they were supposed to take care of me

and they burnt my hand on the stove for that

so I couldn't even eat.

That's the kind of stuff that I was keep pressing down. I see I hadn't used yet but I'm two years from needing a drink from the first time I needed it. Now I'm 7 and I'm desperate. I get to another foster care.

My mom just can't hang, man. She can't take care of us. My daddy's in the He's in prison.

He was a thief. He used to beat her all the time.

He was gone after I was two, so with five kids, she couldn't take care of us.

So I'm setting up the stage to how why my last high has me on the ground waiting for a sniper to shoot me or a SWAT team to pretty much ball in there. But no one ever showed ever. Never had a SWAT team kick in my door. I had the police kick in my door once

as I was smoking crack. My CEO, my company sent one of my managers and one of my good friends from work. Then they came to my house and kicked in the door

and I got indignant because they had been pounding for a while. They went to the apartment complex and they got the manager and they kicked in the door. And I was like, I can't believe you people did this, what's wrong with you? And I stepped over and I was like upset. And they threw me out of there. Even though I paid the bills, they just threw me out

because they knew what they had. The manager was with the cop and with the IT was like it was a mess.

It was a mess because I had blanket staple gun to the walls, to the windows and if there was any light it was duct taped. And I wouldn't even get high in that room. I would go in my closet in the inner room of that room because I just thought they were coming.

Someone knows that that's about.

I thought they were coming,

so

I needed help.

So I'm going to go back and forth with this story because what I actually have found, this consciousness of the presence and the power of God, hopefully I, I really hope you don't hear me tonight.

I really got nothing for you, man.

I'll get you high real quick, but I couldn't get you sober. But whatever got me sober with whoever put in the time with me. I owe them people and that's why I'm here. And last time I was here was just as cold. I remember staying out there was freezing

and I told my story here. This is like the fourth time backed by popular demand. Unpopular demand,

but I was,

I was a scared little kid, man. But he thought he was a tough guy

growing up in New York City. Fighting everyone, fighting everything, Everything,

everyone.

I resisted, rebelled

and denied any help to come into my life because I didn't trust anyone anymore.

You know what it feels like to not trust anyone?

You know, it feels like to be so empty and needing a a hit and a drink, but you can't get it.

And then when you finally get it, when you're 12 years old, you find the key

to that Pandora's box. And all of a sudden

the noise went down, the knot got loose, the stress went away, the feeling sort of subsided. They didn't go away. What they did is they just chilled out. There was enough though, to get through life. And that was the day I stopped going to school. I found a new career. It was called getting high

and I never made it past the 8th grade.

I didn't have a college degree. I don't have a high school diploma,

but here's The funny thing. That five year old kid used to pray. I remember it. I could see him detached. I feel bad for that little kid

because he was me

and that five year old kid prayed for this life.

Straight up.

He gave up his life for this life

and it wasn't easy.

See my using was a necessity because I would not hear God no other way.

Wasn't raised religious so it was so funny race so poor that I'm washing my own clothes because my mom has three jobs no doubt. And I'm washing my own clothes and and drying them in front of the oven and living on rice, Cerrone and the last cans of tuna fish. You know the stuff that you never eat in your pantry. Now that stuff was what I was eating. That was my main meals cuz that's all we had.

I used to rob from the grocery store and go eat it in the Catholic Church. I wasn't Catholic, but in New York either have synagogues or Catholic churches. Now you got temples, I mean mosques. There's a lot of mosques up there. But I felt safe. So I knew something made me feel safe, something spiritual made me feel safe. I don't know what it was about

you. Fast forward that to that last run,

Pepper in 20 years of hearing their sobriety,

'cause I have about 20 something years sober,

but I don't have that in a linear fashion. I had some gaps

because the disease, or as they say in Star Wars, the Force was strong in this one

and it was a force. It was a force to die. It was a force to die, man, because I had no reasons to go.

So I'm going to meet my niece here tomorrow,

and it's my sister's daughter. She Od'd three years ago, my older sister Odie two years ago, my other sisters back out on the streets up in New York after a year of treatment in Harlem

and my brother's six years on Suboxone. But he thinks he's sober.

We're broken.

My tribe is broken

and I found something. It was the last thing I looked for though, but is the thing I needed most.

It was connection.

It was

a sense of belonging,

purpose. I didn't know that's what it was.

I just wanted the noise to stop.

I don't want to ever feel like that again.

Some honest people

who I didn't like

we're compassionate and their compassion contained words of truth. And it hurt.

I thought you were.

They were trying to tell me how to live. Anyone get like that? Anyone think that, hey, my sponsor is trying to run my life or these people don't know what they're talking. They don't know what I'm going through. Dude, I know what you're going through, man. I know what everyone in here went through because guess what? My last run had nothing to do with stuff

and I know people who get DWI's and have fights and have arrest records and they're not alcoholic.

Well who in here knows what it feels like to be alone after you burned every bridge?

Who in here knows what to be like though? No ones answering the phone anymore or lending you a dime. Matter of fact, you owe everyone.

Everyone.

Credibility out the window, dignity gone. Integrity didn't even know what it meant. All those words foreign to me,

I needed, like they said, an entire overhaul in my life. I need a rebuilt engine. I needed a new life. Here was the trick. Here was the trick to it. I got in here.

Fatal, chronic progressive doom stage alcoholic addict.

I would use till I would die.

I was on my way

or I put myself in a position to where I would be killed. I would put my moral fabric out there to the point that I would risk it. That's that's how my insanity would play out.

A guy had a handgun pointed right at me

down a stairwell, looking right at me, and he was, it was over a girl. So you know, that ain't gonna go well because there's a domestic vibe going on, and we were wasted.

The girl

was a girl that I knew from New York that I ran into them in 1983 in Dallas. Like, what are you doing here? You moved here. Well, this dude, Mondo was sort of trying to hit digging on her. I didn't want nothing to do with her. He thought I did. He pulls a gun on me.

I don't even have a reaction to fear anymore because I lost that. I took it out of his hand and beat the crap out of him with it

and sold it for drugs.

I didn't even blink. It didn't faze me. You could, he could. The the reaction to just squeeze would have been faster than my reaction. But no one thinks, no one's going to try to take your gun from you. But that's how I lived. I didn't care. I had a death wish, but I didn't think I did. But the way I used was death wish, death stage using. So I proved it.

My brother was shot and is right here in his artery and his femur in a crack deal. He pulls up in Fort Lauderdale, guy comes up with a handful, reaches in, he pops him up in the air and close the punch and the guy who popped them.

That's real deal, dope fiend stuff. I don't see that as being unusual behavior. This is unusual doping behavior right here,

sitting in a meeting.

It ain't too cold to ever get high for me, But it'll be, oh, it's too cold to get to that meeting. God name me,

God forbid, God forbid. Man, I gotta stand outside

guys. They talk about

we need

ease and comfort. That's going to come at once. It never came.

I never got it. That'd be a I'd love that if that would come for me. You know, I was restless. You're able to discontent unless I can experience some ease and never got it. I would use and never got ease and comfort. What I got

was another thing triggered. Now all of a sudden

my mind got some relief, but it was bullshit relief. Excuse me? And my body said

you need to feed. You need to feed this now

because we're not done just cuz you got yours. I hope every attic in here looks at that in themselves

while sober. My mind got me high.

My body was saying don't do it, please. This ain't going well. You're not stopping next weekend and going back into a meeting. You're going to go on until you are broke, broken down or dead.

Did it every time, didn't care. I don't weigh consequences. I don't play a tape through.

I'm powerless

and I'm insane.

They weren't joking.

We need to be restored to Sandy.

Dude I don't know about your man but I could sit in here

untreated for a couple weeks running my life and be insane

stone cold sober and anyone ever feel that Anyone get there? That's how we relapse

and that's from run of my life. That's from grabbing that water bottle back and saying you ain't getting this.

It's full of poison. I'm I'm all over the top with vigor. I got you.

I'm drinking from the cyanide. That's what it is every time

they talk about a progressive disease.

I experienced it first hand. If you haven't, you may not be one of us. I wish you well. If you are, I want to promise you one thing.

The moment the drink is put down, through the intense beating we give ourselves,

something happens because we don't have the ability to put it down.

And my step zero, My moment of clarity before I get out. Got in here to even realize any of this other stuff.

Something gave me

the power to put that down,

and then I did something even bigger than that.

Again, the desire

to say I don't care what I want anymore.

I don't know what I want. Actually I do. I want to smoke crack without consequences or feeling, and I don't want to lay on the ground when I do it. I want to do it like a gentleman at the Ritz.

I do. And I would like people over and we can watch TV,

stand on the and stand on the patio overlooking downtown and enjoy our night. Never smoked crap like that. I haven't wasn't capable,

but the moment it was put down, it's a program of absence. I feel bad for anyone here trying to get sober still taking Xanax or still trying to prop some Klonopin or whatever you're doing. It ain't going to work. It hasn't worked for me and I I've been around long enough to know it's not worked for anyone else. So give yourself a break.

But something occurred that

this power had come in and it was a progressive spirituality.

It took off in a way I couldn't have imagined. Just like the drugs stopped working and I didn't get high. I just got catatonic, schizophrenic, paranoid,

and it got progressive, like if I stopped at 11 years of continuous recovery from no substance. The moment I used, I was hanging out on Harry Hines at dope motels that night, first night. It didn't take two weeks that night. I think the first night I spent $680 seemed about right. So good night

and it was progressive from that day forward. I used just like that and then once I got the hook up and they came and delivered, it was way worse. But the moment,

that moment of clarity came at my step zero, step one meeting point, my crash site,

I was launched from there and it became progressively better. Immediately something happened.

So in that third step, when they say, hey, you know, why don't you quit playing God?

I couldn't do that because I had tried that. That's why OK, that's why I was using. I was playing God. That's what my using is. I don't know about y'all, but my using is me playing God. And guess what? My two word answer to that is here's here's my my description of it. I'll decide.

No, thank you. I'll decide

to everyone.

Dude, you're dying. Yeah, I'll decide. I'll decide when I do it, how I do it, where I do it, when I stop, how I stop. I couldn't figure that out.

A good friend of mine got 30 years sobriety. Used to shoot cocaine in his neck as he said he would get it 120th of a second faster. The feeling I go damn dude, I wasn't that tuned into my dope,

he said. We can't quit playing God because self, which was killing me

and using alcohol or 44 round or driving off a bridge,

can't quit playing God because that would just be you playing God again.

That made sense

because that's what my experience was, because I would try to play God. By not playing God, I had no way out. What I did have guys and if you are fortunate enough to hear me speak last weekend, I'm sorry if I repeat some stuff.

I was running this way. Everything was interesting, attention and

everything. All my conscious life, all my abilities, all my time, all my efforts, all my money was on dope. That's it all. That's all I thought about.

I couldn't get out. But what happened was that when you sincerely take such a position, what position? All I had to do was to go this way,

says you'll be on a new footing. You will lose interest

in yourself. Well, that's what it was about. Any interest in myself, I stay high,

shifting my position to something else, taking over my life.

I started to get well

the moment I tilt, even just change that. The moment I even think about that I get worse. Then I start turning towards it.

Then I start looking at it. Then I start walking to it. That's when it's real bad. But if I just start thinking this direction, I'm in trouble,

guys. I see too many people doing third steps and fourth steps in this program way before they have an understanding of the disease in their life and the lack of power

that is available at all times, and they're not going to make it.

We need to spend time with our with our people.

I'm convinced

I've conceded. I don't know how to relay that. That's my biggest I, I, that's my biggest prayer. That's my biggest talk with God. How did you get me to give up? How did you get me to concede?

What did it take for me to be that convinced? How come I accepted the plan as outlined in this book? How come I'm sold on the ideas contained in the book and everyone else isn't?

What is it? What is it about me?

You know,

I don't know. I wish I had that because guess what? Treatment centers be closed and I'd be a trillionaire. I'm serious. But I know it works for me that way. I'm convinced. So what did I do? I'm convinced that my life on myself will hardly be a success. I'm also convinced that self manifesting in various ways is what's defeated me. So what do I do? Consider its common manifestations. Oh listen to that.

Self is defeating me. This is not me

and I have to consider its manifestations of how it's working me. That's an interesting take on things

that changed that inventory, because now I'm not looking where I'm a piece of shit. I'm looking for that piece of shit who took me over

and is making me do things I don't want to do,

and I spent some time looking at that dude masochistically. By the way, I don't advise it

because the fuel of my desperation launched me from that crash site and it caused a complete repulsion to me. It's weird, dude. It's weird, like, and I don't mean to me that you see, it was to me that I believed was me but wasn't.

It took me over.

It was a thought process and I bought into it,

man. I went at it. My life depended on it,

my family's life is dependent on it, and in all reality, your lives depend on it. Because I would. I was dangerous.

I got a guy. He didn't make it tonight. I sponsor him for about two years. He comes over, he goes, man, you're either insane or you're a liar because you don't look like you ever got high. I said thank you

thus God.

I'm

fortunate person. I passed my 9 lives times two or three and I joke and say I'm in the bonus round. I mean, if I'm taking out now, I'm good,

but I'm not because the only reason I'm kept sober so I could

be here

so he could talk to you.

He doesn't need me.

I need him.

A A doesn't need me. California doesn't need me. I need it.

I'm not that unique.

I've been humiliated enough to know that humility is a better way.

I saw things in my 4th and 5th step,

but it wasn't the thing. See, I thought, Oh my God, I'm going to see where my defects have got me. Nope, that wasn't it for me. It wasn't. I'm going to tell another person. I'm petrified to do that. I don't want anyone to know what I've done. I've not done anything that unique. Neither of you trust me. I've heard some crazy shit

and I'm still never surprised. I'm like, wow, yeah, I know, but people do that.

But there was a fuel

drove that self centeredness, those resentments, that dishonesty, that fear,

and that guy got evicted because only one person could live in here at a time.

And God's either running this

or self is running it.

I guarantee it. I did the gut check. I do that gut check regularly.

Challenge yourselves, see who's running shit. You'll know if you're honest. Wouldn't take long

because the manifestations are proof. They tell you who's running it.

Manifestation of me being driven here tonight when I meanwhile earlier today I was 5 miles that way in Colleyville. Had to come back up. I was so excited about it.

I'm excited to be here because I don't know about y'all man but I love you guys.

I couldn't put into words

because you all are my people.

Y'all are down with the sickness

and I get that,

but I'd like to get everyone to get down

with the living with the power.

And I found that.

So I looked at A6 and A7 and you know these defects and I'm thinking, Oh well, you're just a dishonest person or you're,

you talk too much. Yes, yes,

you lie to people,

you show up late places, which I never do. It's weird, crazy. I was always early for my dope. I wait three hours at a payphone

waiting for that dope man. If I got high off waiting, man, I would never use drugs.

I'm serious. I waited all the time. See, I was getting high back when you had to call someone and wait at a payphone. They told you to wait out. They weren't even pagers yet. Then pagers came out. That made it a little easier, and then we got these things. The NSA tracking tool gets you right to your dope man and right to them, by the way.

So

I started looking at these defects and I go, that's not my real problem. Those were just common manifestations of the culprit that was riding my ass to the slaughterhouse.

Where's, where's that guy?

I joke with some guys. I go, where's Gollum? Because he's up on here, man. He's trying to Take Me Out,

and until that guy was found for me, he was accomplishing his job

in secrecy right before my very eyes.

And

I don't think I'm anymore special than anyone else here.

I just did the work.

I looked.

I went deeper.

I got to the bottom. The final analysis is the great reality is deep within me. Just like every man, woman and child. I found that

I had profound experiences,

but I had to let go

old ideas, concepts, beliefs and attitudes that were once guiding principles of my life. I had to pour my water back in the ocean

and be willing to give everything up. Not just, oh, God, you could take her. You could take my job. Will you help me out here? God, I'm going to give you giving up stuff when we're having a hard time. What? You know what I do now? This is fresh water here. I don't want it. I want you to have it because you've never one time in my life done me wrong.

You've never shortchanged me.

You always pay the the light bill in my life every day. Because guys, I can wake up every day. I don't know about charming, but I don't know what the Hell's waking me up and giving me life again in a life force consciousness of reality. I don't know if I'm going to get up too far out there, but it says we're going to be consciously connected.

Well, he's going to rely upon some consciousness that he's given me to connect with.

Well, when you use like I use, I was unconscious

in my using, I'm not unconscious anymore and I don't ever want to give that up.

You could take everything. I don't give a crap, but you can't take that.

That's what I really am here for

because without that all this will be gone for me.

But with that, everything is here, everything is available.

I found that,

you know, at a men's

I hurt people

in the pursuit of my selfishness.

I heard him religiously

and I heard him intentionally.

I don't. I can't soften that blow.

I can't see. I could walk and give me back your DVD player,

but I can't change the way you felt about how it was when I unplugged it in front of you and walked out the door with it.

To mistrust how you might have worried afterwards.

How many people are affected in your life because you had to go tell six other people? I'm so worried about this person. He's dying. I don't know what we're going to do

and I would just put that on people with no regard,

no care,

no concern.

So my amends would be shallow if I just come up and write it with here's your box. Thank you. Please accept my apologies. Hope to get out of that one without getting yelled at. That's aren't we all doing that?

That's not how they told me to do it. That's not how this book showed me how to do it says I should go to the attitude of forgiveness. I should forgive them. Previously I blamed them. That's why they were my 4th step. They filled my four step. All these people that screwed my life up filled my four step.

Something gave me the courage to face the embarrassment, to stand before people that I destroyed purposefully,

and I can't unwind that. I can't undo it.

Some people

don't forget,

you know. Y'all get memes all day right? They said they might forget what you did, but they'll never forget how it made them feel.

I promise you we don't forget. You take something from me,

you're on the hook for the rest of my life. As long as I can remember it. I'm holding that against you,

but we expect them to let us off the hook.

That's another form of my selfishness

and it had a really good hold on me, but it was starting to lose its grip now. It really was. And I had an opportunity to start looking at myself in step 10 and says we have now entered the world of the Spirit and our next function is to grow in effectiveness and understanding of what? And I say this to a lot of people so they know these words. If you've heard it all before, go to sleep.

Or you already are.

I have to grow in effectiveness and understanding of the world, of the spirit, of living in an ocean of consciousness rather than a contained little bottle of single isolated, fearful, self seeking consciousness that was killing me.

Here's my fresh water and I'd be poor in cyanide and drinking it

because I didn't know what I was doing. I don't know how to operate.

We come in here, we go to other people and we say help fix me.

We got to go back to the manufacturer.

Something provided light to the eyes today for me, provides breath to this life force and I rely on that.

That's another thing I'd like to give people, and I don't know how, but I think they're tied to the other one.

The surrender process was so profound for me. Not at step one. It was at step one and around four months in, I had a secondary surrender, which was I surrendered my life.

It's tied to a reliance and a trust,

and the trust is so profound

I can't produce the words to tell you

about it.

Come see it, give it a chance. What do you got to lose?

Guarantee that won't be nothing compared to what you'll find,

but I can't describe it and I can't

give it to Osmosis. Won't work,

got to find it yourself.

11 step is

my favorite.

Absolutely my favorite.

It says God and what fever sought. Well, God can, and He did, because I did seek Him according to the way He asked me to

do prayer and meditation. He didn't make hard terms. You want to get to know me? Talk to me. You want to know what I want to do with you? Listen to me,

you want to follow me? Stay close, perform my work well.

You want to be free from cocaine and dope?

Get me in front of it.

You want to realize it was never about cocaine and dope?

Then let me live through you.

What's the alternative?

The bitter end.

Psych wards 100% hopelessness

without divine help. That was my case.

There is a power.

There is only one of them.

I truly hope you find them.

Don't short change yourself and spend years in this program and not

I did

cut the corners. Learn from my mistakes.

You don't have to go that long route. I'm telling you, you don't.

I jokingly say to people

outside of justice doing a nightly review and

you know, the morning prayers,

there's a continual connection

like do I just want to watch 850 channels on Time Warner in the morning, at night? And I'd like that to work all day, right? I want that to stay on. I'd like to that to operate for me when I go flip it up.

God's not a Bush league pinch hitter, man. He ain't just popping up when I have this little crisis, self-imposed crisis or misery that I can create in my own mind and fabricate into reality and then throw it up on you or you to make me feel better

and then make you feel like shit. That's not the guy that I'm talking about. That's not the one they're talking about.

That's the power.