The Radiance group in Greensboro, NC

Hey there, everybody, I am Matt cash and I'm grateful recovered alcoholic and just because I don't get the Hey Matt, just a thumbs up from a few people from from you can hear me good. All right, sweet, that's all I'm looking for. So all right, that's not all I'm looking for. I'm always looking for feedback from people, but no, it's I was sharing before the meeting started. You know, the I just finished another four step inventory. So I obviously I did the the fear portion of it and it's I'm still amazed after

almost 24 years of sobriety, how often the

the need to be accepted and need to be, you know, love still pops up as you know, character defects, you know, so sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, you know, But as I said, my name is Matt Cassidy. I am a grateful recovered alcoholic. As it says in the big book, I should be introduced that way. My Home group is along with love and service group of Alcoholics Anonymous. We meet on Tuesdays and Thursday nights at 8:00 in Ridge, NY, Suffolk County, Long Island. So if you find yourself an area, please stop on by. We'd love to have you. We

fellowship's good, coffee's not so good, but you know you can partake them both. Hopefully we see you. I do have a sponsor, Dave F. He more importantly, he knows that he sponsors me. We do have an active sponsorship relationship

and I do actively sponsor people. So I'm involved in all three sides of our triangle, which I was taught is how you stay so, you know, sober and happy in a fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, the, you know, I always start off with the fact that, you know, like I said, my last name is Cassidy. I'm Irish on both sides of the fence. You know, my mom's Irish, my dad's Irish. And in both sides of the family, you know, if you're not alcoholic, you marry one just so you can fit in. You know, I'm, I am grateful for that because, you know, if it was not for a, a sick family like that, you know, I would

be able to fit in with the, with the type of drinking I did before I got sober. You know, it probably would have been a lot more frowned upon if they weren't as sick as they are, you know, and just if you need any proof for that, you know, the, I wish you had that one. You know, one of my uncles just died of cirrhosis of the liver. But whenever anybody in the family talks about Uncle Bush, they always say, though he died of an infection, you know, because if we talked about, you know, what he actually died of, then we would have to acknowledge the fact that he literally drank himself to death.

I have another uncle who's bouncing in and out of soba houses right now because he can't stay sober. He lost his, you know, he lost his job due to his drinking. He lost his marriage due to his drinking,

you know, and the I last time I, I've been to several family functions, I haven't seen them in well over a year, you know, But when we, when they talk about Uncle Frankie, they just talk about how he's down on his luck. And hopefully, you know, how his luck will change. But that's even when anybody talks about him because they rarely do. Because if they did, then they would have to talk about how alcoholism is, you know, controlling his life. So the my family never talks about the elephant in a room, you know, when it comes to alcoholism, which is why it's, you know, so, you know, so accepted, you know,

at a very early age, you know, the my mother went into Al Anon when I was eight years old, you know, and the, you know, she sat down and started talking to us about a 12 step fellowship that she belonged to. And, you know, she started explaining to us, you know, what was going to come of all that, you know, and the, you know, she tells the story and it's probably true because, you know, you know, she she didn't kill a lot of brain cells with, you know, with drinking and, you know, substance abuse like I did. So I'll take her to her word. You know what she said when we sat down, you know, and she went to tell us about, you know, my dad's alcoholism.

You know, she tried to tell us, you know, how sick he was and the, you know, according to her, you know, you know, I was like, yeah, you know, I knew what the problem was right away that that drank too much. So apparently I can spot alcoholism from a mile away, you know, even even before I started showing all the symptoms of it. You know, the I do also remember, you know, the first time she took us to one of her meetings, you know, she had told us it was a 12 step program. And I remember we, you know, they, they had a daycare down in the basement, you know, where you could drop the kids off, you know, because a lot of the Al Anon women needed, you know, babysitter so they can go to their day meetings.

And I remember walking down the steps and I remember counting the steps and there was more than 12 steps. So I was like, I felt like I was getting mixed messages, you know, when it came to Al Anon is a 12 step program because there's more than 12 steps here, You know, his mom, maybe, you know, mistaken or something. So, you know, even at an early age, I guess, you know, you know, over analyzing, you know, spotting my, you know, makeup. You know, the I also do share just because it is part of my, you know, story, you know, the I was sexually abused by a next door neighbor at 8 years old. And the only reason why I share that is because,

you know, the growing up with an alcoholic father who is abusive, you know, both mentally, you know, as well as verbally and physically, you know, and they also being abused by a next door neighbor, you know, all that stuff combined, you know, made me at a really early age decided if there was a God, I didn't want to have anything to do with them. You know, So it was, it wasn't until I wound up in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous that I would, you know, form that relationship with a God of my understanding, you know, whom, whom is loving, whom is caring, who is forgiving, who is, you know, all-encompassing. You know, I would not find that God until I wound up,

you know, so at a young age, even though I was an altar boy and you know, the one thing I liked about being an altar boy is that you could drink the church wine prior to the Mass starting. It wasn't yet consecrated. So you know it, you know, it wasn't, I didn't look at his cheating, you know the, you know, but I did have exposure to drinking, you know, as a kid and but I did not want to be alcoholic. I remember being, you know, making that promise as a young kid that I didn't want to be alcoholic. You know, the I did, I did try and fill that God shaped hole with many other things before I found alcohol. You know, when I was

high school, you know, before you know, in my junior year, I was 5 foot eight, 260 lbs, you know, so obviously food was a, you know, was a good thing to turn to before I found alcohol. You know, I did not want to be an alcoholic. But when I was introduced to a leafy green substance called marijuana, you know, it says on page 31 of the big book that we use, you know, many things to try and you know, you know, control that drinking. And I know today that I used, you know, marijuana control my drinking because I had, I didn't want to be an alcoholic, but I had no problem being labeled a pothead. I mean, you go figure,

you know, so, you know, but you know, just fast forwarding, you know, to, you know, to get to the drinking because, you know, I do have to share in a general way what it used to be like, what I used to be like, what happened and what I'm like now, you know. So I don't want to spend too much long, you know, too long on drinking because it is only 1/3 of, you know, the store I'm supposed to be sharing. But you, you Fast forward to my senior year of high school and that's the first time, it's the first time I ever got drunk. You know, I remember I've been at a party, you know, at a next door neighbor's house, you know, and the, you know, I was drinking from a glass because, you know, I just

intuitively knew that if, you know, if you drink, if you pound it from a bottle, that would be alcoholic. And I don't want to be alcoholic, like I said. So I was drinking from a glass so I can look in a little bit high class,

you know, and the, you know, I remember dropping, I remember dropping the glass and hitting the floor and shattering at the pieces. You know, I remember everybody looking at me and I remember the first thought was how embarrassed I was, you know, because, you know, I still hadn't, you know, I still couldn't get over that, you know, Russell's here about discontent. I still hadn't gotten over that feeling of, you know, being a part of, you know, so, you know, they so they all looked at me. I felt embarrassed and then I felt mad that I had dropped my drink. But then the next thought was, don't worry, it's going to be OK,

you know, because you know, the, uh, you know, because the phenomenon of craving had already said it, you know, at that point of my drinking career, you know, I had already, I had already, you know, I could already see that, you know, when I put it in my body, I needed more, I had an abnormal reaction, you know, to alcohol that normal people do not. You know, I am married to a non alcoholic, you know, wife and you know, so when I watch my wife drink it to this, you know, I've been with her, you know, it's almost 17 years and still puzzles me. You know, she'll take a drink and you know, she'll be like, I don't like the taste of it and not finish it, you know, like, you know, so you drink for taste.

That's weird. And then she'll you know, she'll drink and you know, she'll, you know, she'll start to get a buzz and she'll stop drinking. She'll she'll just at the at the drop of a dime, she'll stop drinking. You know, she'll, she'll stop right on that dime and be like, what are you doing? What's the matter? Oh, I'm starting to feel it, you know, so I'm like, but sweetheart, the buzz is the beginning of the race. It's not supposed to be the finish line. You're supposed to keep on going. You know, it's just like I said, I look at her. Drinking just makes no sense to me. You know, I, you know, I think alcoholic is the only normal way, you know, But

you know, my drinking didn't, you know, my drinking came with a lot of consequences, But consequences is, you know, if you are a real alcoholic, you know, it doesn't stop you. You can always rationalize, you know, the next morning, you know what? You know how it wasn't your fault, how it wasn't alcohol's fault, it was their fault or you were in the, just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

You know, the, you know, my father was a police officer. He was involved in law enforcement, you know, and as a result of that, you know, I did almost get arrested once for possession. I got away with it because, you know, dad was a police officer. And the next morning I woke up, it was just bad luck. Actually, I should finish that whole store, you know, because my, my mom is actually listening on this because, you know, she loves when her sober son gets to speak for an, a meeting. You know, the, you know, one thing she told us, you know, when she knew, you know, she, my mom grew up in the 60s so she could spot a pothead from a mile away,

even though I thought I was hiding it. You know, she also grew up in, you know, she's never, she's never taken a breath without alcoholism being in the picture because her dad was alcoholic. She married an alcoholic and she's got three alcoholic sons. You know, So one thing she said there was one night was, you know, she goes, I just, you know, you're going to do whatever you're going to do. I got no control over that. She said, but just do me a favor, never get brought home by the police. And I, you know, OK, you got it, mom, no problem. And I couldn't even keep that promise because I did get, you know, that night I almost got arrested. I got brought home by the police and you know, so my mom was upstairs sleeping because that's

normal people do it, you know, 1:00 in the morning, you know, they sleep, you know, So I had to go upstairs and I had to wake my mom up to tell that there's a police officer downstairs, you know, So she jumped out of bed, you know, like the house was on fire. Not because, you know, she didn't even know was going on yet, but like I said, the stuff that I put people through. What I know today is that her first thought was that something happened to her husband at work, you know, so she thought she was walking down the stairs to find out that she was a widow. You know, instead, she walks downstairs to find out that a knucklehead son almost got arrested for possession. And there are other knuckleheads son almost got

for, you know, public intoxication, you know, So, you know, when I woke up the next morning, you know, all that remorse and guilt and stuff, you know, it's that if consequences sobbing people up that the feeling the next morning would have been enough to probably, you know, make me want to stop. But instead, if you're as alcoholic as I am, you could probably identify with those are the exact reasons why I needed to drink. I needed to go back to something in order to get rid of those feelings. Because if I, you know, because alcohol, you know, numbs that stuff, you know, it gets right. It changes the way I get

reality, you know, So

you know, the, you know, like when they announced, you know, you know, that anybody visiting from out of town, you guys heard, you know, some of my buddies from Kansas, I go to a meeting on Monday, a Zoom meeting Monday night in Kansas. You know, there's a couple people on here from Canada because, you know, I go to Wednesday night Zoom meeting and, you know, in Alberta, Canada, you know, so, you know, so you guys heard a whole bunch of my new Zoom friends, you know, thanks to this pandemic, you know, and it wasn't always that way because, you know, the another time I almost got in trouble, you know, the, you know, was I got pulled over for it, which should have been a DWI

the time I was only 19 years of age. OK. So I should have gotten, you know, I should have gotten arrested for DWI as well as underage drinking. And I did have a container in a car. So, you know, my rap sheets, you know, should have been a hell of a lot longer than you know. But again, you know, when dads in law enforcement, they, you know, they let me off the hook. And, you know, I still remember to this day because I came out of the, you know, the nothing like, you know, flashing red lights and the wailing of a police siren behind you to bring it out of a perfectly good blackout. You know, so I wasn't in the blackout when the cop pulled me over, you know, and what

remember what he said to me was, you know, he gave me two options when he found out, you know, you know, what occupation my dad was in. He said you can number one, call a cab or number two, call somebody to come pick you up, you know, And I said, yes, Sir. And he, I agreed. And he said, if I see you driving, he said if I see you driving on the way home, I will, you know, this time I will arrest you. So don't let me see you drive. And I said, yes, Sir. You know, he left. And I remember I was sitting there in the parking lot in the parked car looking at a perfectly good payphone that worked.

And

I couldn't for the life of me think of one person who really gave a crap about me, that if I call would come and help me. And nor could I call a cab to come get me because at this point, I was living paycheck to paycheck and most of my paycheck was going to alcohol. So I couldn't, I couldn't afford a cab to call and nor could I think of anybody to call, you know, So when it talks about the big book, the feeling of loneliness, you know, that was about as lonely as, you know, as I think I ever felt, you know, in this world. And you know, like I said today, if anything ever happened to me, if I found myself on the side of the road at 2:00 in the morning,

you know, modern technology, I would have to look at payphone I could use, you know, break out the old cell phone. And then that cell phone I have, you know, probably well over 100 contacts of people who come and help me, you know, because of the fellowship of alcohol, synonymous, you know, so you know, it's, you know, it's those consequences, don't you know, never sobbing me up. You know, it was, it was definitely, you know, just, you know, it was like again, when I woke up the next morning was wrong, wrong place, wrong time. If I took a different route home, I wouldn't have got pulled over. If, you know, if I had just been driving down that street 5 minutes, you know, later I wouldn't have gotten pulled over.

So, you know, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't alcohol's fault. And you know, the dance continued. You know, the, you know, the other thing that you know, I I just like to share before I move on to, you know, you know what happened, you know, is the

you know, like I said, my mom wasn't al Anon in one morning. You know, I come down the steps after a long night of drinking and you know, you know, another blackout was involved and you know, so I have no idea what the hell I did the night before. You know, I was my I was 19 when I got sober, So I did a lot of my drinking in my parents house. You know, the you know, the my I turned my my parents bedroom, you know, into a dorm room, essentially. I had a fridge in there and you know, like a good alcoholic when I would get the you know, when I get the new stuff, you'd have to rotate stock, you know, the new stuff would have to go in the back. You know, you got to keep the

up front. So, you know, I had a little beer distributor dorm room going on in my parents house, You know, the just total disrespect and disregard for, you know, who paid the mortgage and whose house it actually was, You know, because selfishness and self sentence to the root of my problem, you know, so I come downstairs, you know, one morning and my mom's like, you know, she's like, I want you to sit down. I want to talk to you. So, you know, she what she was doing was, you know, she she was doing some of you know, she had to do what she had to do to feel good. You know, she had to get off our chest. You know, some of the stuff that, you know, was, you know, going around in her head, you know, so she wanted to talk to me about my drinking and, you know, she,

she wasn't looking to get me sober. You know, she had enough Alan on under her belt by that point to know that, you know, anything she said to me wouldn't have an effect, you know, so but she just had to get off, you know, her chest, what was going on in between her ears, you know, And the only thing I remember, you know, is, you know, from it is they, she wanted to talk about feelings and feelings to me. We're just a foreign language. You know, it's like you talk to me about, you know, feelings. It's, I'm just like, I, I don't know what you're talking about. It's just like, you know, the only feeling I could ever identify was if you talked about, you know, a feeling called, you know, 'cause that's how I felt on a daily basis.

I just, you know, I woke up, you know, felt years every day, you know, and that to me was normal. So you talked about anger, you talked about sadness, you talked about, you know, anything else. I was just completely lost, you know, But that's some of the stuff she wanted to talk about. And what I remember is that, you know, the last thing she said to me was, you know, if you were not my son, I would throw you out, you know, So again, consequences of, Oh my God, I could become homeless and, you know, I don't have it. You know, I'm about to get fired from a job, so I'll become, you know, unemployed also, you know, it was just none of that stuff crossed my mind. All that went through my mind was

biologically I'm a son, so she's not going to throw me out. So again, you know, off the hook, you know, I just totally like disregarded everything that she had to say because again, selfishness, self sentence is the root of my problem. It's always about me and I'm safe because I'm not going to get thrown out. You know, my drinking did continue for a few months past that. You know, the my my last, my last trunk was absolutely nothing exciting, to be quite honest. You know, my last drunk all did was prove to me the last piece of the puzzle that I would need to have a have a moment of clarity,

that God-given moment where I could see things as they actually were. You know, I was leaving for a party that was going to happen. You know, there was about an hour and a half drive from my house and I was sitting in my driveway and I was going to not drink that night, not because I didn't want to drink that night. I was not going to drink that night because by that point, everybody in my life was calling me alcoholic except for me, you know, so every you know that Matt, you got a drinking problem. Matt, we think you're alcoholic. Matt, you should do something about your drinking. You know, you know, coworkers, family, everybody but me knew what, you know, knew what, knew what

was. So I needed to prove to all of these people that I was not alcoholic. You know, by this point, the party that I was going to, it's not because I was invited, OK? It's because of who my brother was. My brother was, you know, part of that crew. And I was just there as a hanger on her. OK? So I was going to this party and I was not going to drink because I was going to prove to everybody that I was not alcoholic. If you have to prove to people you're not alcoholic, you should probably take a look at that because chances are when everybody's calling you alcoholic and you don't think you're 1,

you're probably wrong. But I'm not here label anybody. I can just share my story, you know. So

I leave my driveway with the full intention of not drinking that night. And then what happened to me was about 40 minutes later as I hit the county line, OK, the next county line, the thought pops into my head. And what I know today was it was that strange mental blank spot. It was that mental obsession. OK? It wasn't even a thought. It's not like I had to rationalize it. It just popped up like it was magic. Like one minute I got my eyes on the road and not rear ending the guy in front of me. And the next second what pops in my head is, but it's if it's a six hour party

and we buy 1-6 pack and we drink one beer an hour, that's not alcoholic, that's social drinking. So you can still drink and it will not and you can still prove to everybody that you're not alcoholic. And what I know today is that's that mental blank spot. That's that mental obsession whose job it is to lie to me that this time it's going to be different. This time I'll be able to control and enjoy my drinking. And I bought into it full force. So the first thing I did when I parked the car, you know, at the party was take a walk to the beer, you know, take take a walk to the place that, you know, sold underage kids beer, OK,

And bought, you know, bought myself A6 pack. I walked into the party, I ripped off all the ripped off all the labels, put them in the fridge. And then, you know, and then said to, you know, I made this grandiose announcement because, you know, I don't know about you people, but in my mind when I talk, everybody listens and is going to do exactly what I want. Okay, So I share with all of them that I bought a six pack. It's my beer. Nobody drink my beer, OK, And I won't drink you a beer. OK, Every you know, and everyone's like, Oh yeah, yeah, OK, whatever. You know, in my mind they said, yeah, OK, whatever. But you know, chances are they didn't even, you know,

damn thing I said because, you know that, you know, I'm not, I'm not that important. OK, so I'm at the party and I'm nursing my first beer and I'm, I, I, I was not having any fun at all. You know, if I was supposed to control and enjoy my drinking, as the book says, then I should have been able to do both at the same time. But here I was controlling my drinking and I was not enjoying at all. And I remember somebody walked past me and they had a beer without a label on it. And I knew it was mine. And I was like, OK, these people don't listen to me. OK, now, now I can't even keep track of what I'm going to drink.

Screw it, I'll just, I'll just drink, OK. And again, there's a strange methyl blank spot coupled with, OK, the physical allergy, because I'd already put something my body and I was off to the races again, you know, and the, when I woke up the next morning, like I said, it wasn't anything spectacular. All it was was a thought that crossed my mind that was like what happened to the, the promise that I was not going to drink. It was nowhere to be found. I didn't know yet what had happened to me because I hadn't had the exposure Alcoholics Anonymous. I hadn't yet had exposure to the big book, you know, which explains

problem is, all I knew is that I made a promise and I couldn't keep it. And the outcome was another night of drunk and stupidity and another blackout and another and another night of like, Oh crap, you know, what did I do? And most importantly, does anybody know that I don't remember because blackouts for me were embarrassing because, like I said, I grew up with an Al Anon, so I knew what a blackout was even before I had my first blackout. So when I had my first blackout, I was like, that's a red flag that you know that, you know, should have been, you know, seen along the way. But of course, it

you know, so it was, it was I wanted about I need a two week period. So it's between that that morning I woke up, that was May the 5th of 1996. Like I said, that is my sobriety day to this date. Like Charlie, you know, Charlie said the, you know, he got sober March in 96I followed and you know, by God's good grace and good sponsorship in the 12 steps, I'm still following him behind him by two months, you know, so you know, God is not good. God is great. You know when he let him in your life.

And the but I needed, I needed, I had a two week convention because I thought I could still control upon myself. I thought I could just not drink because I didn't want to. And

you know, again, what I found is there. I was not shrinking, but I was not happy not doing it.

OK, So I was just, I was not happy being sober. It's just I all it was was I was dry. You know, I know today, you know what, what I was experiencing was it what it talks about in a doctor's opinion is I had a relief from the physical allergy. I had a relief because I wasn't putting alcohol in my system. So I had relief from 1/3 of my illness. But what I know today is that I was still suffering from the other 2/3. I just didn't know it. So at this time I was also hanging around the rooms of Al Anon because like I said, my mom was in Al Anon and I knew something was going on,

you know, and I so I thought my dad's drinking was the problem. If I went to Al Anon, then I could be OK. So one of the things they suggest in Al Anon is go to open a a meeting. So I had been attending open a meetings and, you know, when I go to those things, it's like The funny thing was I felt like I fit in, you know, but I rationalized it. Well, it's an open a meeting, so anybody can come in there. So they must cater open meetings so that everybody feels like they're part of. So that's, you know, what I chalked it up to, you know, so

I found myself at an Allen conference and when the a A speaker came up to speak, I found myself nodding in agreement with the a A speaker. So again, it should have been another red flag along the way that, you know, was, you know, was unseen,

you know, but So what happened was when I wound up in my first close meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and they were like, this is a closed meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's here for those who have desire to stop drinking. I was like, oh boy, you know, either I belong or I don't, you know, So you know, the, when it came my turn to share when like, is anybody new, you know, who needs, you know, so I raised my hand and, you know, so I started sharing and, and I remember still to this day, my, my first year in a a is, you know, I'm mad and I'm an alcohol. I, I don't even know if I'm an alcoholic, but I know I have a drinking problem.

And I went on to spew about, you know, try to explain my drinking and, you know, and maybe they could tell me how it was different or maybe they could tell me how I didn't belong. And when I was done, you know, the, all the speaker had to say was the only feedback he gave, you know, was the

Matt, if you think you're alcoholic, you probably are alcoholic because non Alcoholics don't sit around wondering if they're alcoholic. And I was like, oh, crap. So I knew like, a jig was up, you know? So there I was sitting in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, you know,

now knowing and believing I'm an alcoholic, the very next meeting I went to, I did introduce myself as I'm mad. I am an alcoholic, you know, in the, you know, because you know, was the, you know, I get, you know, that's what you do when you know, when you know, when you're in a, you introduce yourself as an alcoholic and you know, and like I said, the jig was up. But you know, what happened to me was like I said, I came in, I was 19 years of age, you know, I was surrounded by a whole bunch of other young people and the, the young people crowd I was running around with. There is you know, and the the a a

I was exposed to, you know, when I first got sober here on Long Island was it was it was a whole bunch of just don't drink. Go to meetings, 90 meetings in 90 days. Meeting makers make it. You know, there's a whole bunch of cliches that sounded good, but

I was sitting in the rooms of AA just not getting better, you know, and I couldn't figure out why. You know, it's like, you know, like I said, you know, God willing, the creeks don't rise. And, you know, and you know, in nine days I'll have 24 years and I've still never made a 9090 because that's not,

that's not mandatory in order to stay sober, you know, so, but what I was getting was just all these one line cliches that just did not have any kind type of solution behind them. You know, like Charlie said, you know, we bumped into each other. It was like, you know, you Fast forward two months later, so I'm about 100 days sober sitting in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous dying of untreated alcoholism. Because what has never happened to me is I've never taken the 12 steps I had had. You know, I knew that it was a 12 step fellowship. I knew there were 12 steps. Like I said, I've had exposure to a 12

program since I was eight years old. And so I wanted to take the 12 steps. And I remember to this day, I was told by somebody, I was like, I was like, I want to do a fourth and a fifth step. And somebody told me, well, you're not sober enough to do a fourth and 5th step. You got to wait to do that stuff, you know, So it's, it's people like that who, you know, it's like, they may be well-intentioned, but it was people like that that I was hanging around with the wrong type of crowd and I was getting the wrong message, you know. So when you Fast forward and, you know,

August of 96, you know, I moved down to Greensboro, NC,

OK, because I want to go back to college. I had already done a year of College in Greensboro. I did, you know, I like to say UNCG saw me one year drunk and saw me one year sober, you know, so my first year down there, that's where my drinking, you know, it was just, you know, was completely insane. You know, it was like, I remember, you know, the when I first started drinking like seriously in college, you know, it's like it didn't take long for people to tell me, you know, it's like, Matt, we love you, but when you drink, we can't stand you. You know, you just turn into somebody completely different. So what what they already seen was that Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

book talks about South again people long book people long before I knew it was going on, knew it was going on with me, you know, but so when I found myself in Greensboro, NC, you know, the first of all, you all had that southern hospitality, you know, and you still do because when I wound up in serendipity 2 weeks ago, you all welcome me with open arms and God, did I just say you all I'm like fitting right back in again. All right, the, you know, the,

but yeah, it's like, it's like that they guys had that Southern hospitality where you welcome me right in. And, you know, the, the,

you know, you're down here, you're visiting stuff, you know, they come on in, you know, you know, and I just, I just felt welcome, you know, and I felt more welcome, you know, sitting in the rooms of a, a down, you know, down with you guys than I did, you know, in my own Home group at first, you know, and then what, what I started to notice is that everybody was, you know, you guys did crazy stuff. Like when it was a big book meeting, you showed up with your own big book. You know, the people I was hanging out with would show up to a big book meeting and like all the big books would disappear from the front of the room

and a new guy like me who didn't have his own big book would be sitting there trying to follow along and listen, you know, and, but like I said, not only did Joel carry a big book, but all you guys, you know, quoted the big book, you live the big book. You know, the message you carried was one of depth and weight. And that's that When I came down to North Carolina, that was the missing ingredient to getting well, you know, was actually finding out about the 12 steps. You know, I, I came down there thinking because I had 100 days sober, I get the sponsor shop. I get, I get to pick who's going to work

with me. You know, I get to pick who the lucky human being that you know, who I call it to be the sponsor was, you know, and you know, but guys got a sense of humor and, you know, he threw another one of those little miracles in my life. You know, I met a guy by the name of Joe Jay. You know, he would become my sponsor. And, you know, North Carolina, he'd be the one who took he would be the one who take me through the 12 steps for the first time.

You know, I remember him sitting in the back of a room, you know, Sharon, that he got sober 19. I'm like, hey, that's me and him. We got that in common. I remember sharing about, you know, how at first he didn't believe in it, you know, in a God. And he was confused and, you know, it could have been part agnostic. And I'm like, hey, that's me. I could identify with that, you know, you know, and then and then he shared until the day he, you know, realized that there was a God of his understanding who could love him and take care of him on a daily basis and, you know, save him from alcoholism that he could be, you could be recovered

and he doesn't have, you know how he started crying when he realized that. And I was like,

crying's a little too much, you know. But everything else he said I like, you know. So I went up to him and I asked to be my sponsor. And like I said, he took me, you know, he took me in the back of the Unity Club, you know. And, you know, he cracked open a big book, as again, you know, there he had one I didn't, you know, he cracked. He cracked it open, you know, and showed me that you know the story, the name of the book, Alcoholics Anonymous. The story had many, many thousand men have recovered from alcoholism.

He's the first person who showed me that I could get well from this deal, that I would not forever be sick, you know, that I would not be recovering my entire life,

you know? So, you know, and they started talking about the 12 steps because he said, you know, I'm going to take you to the 12 steps. We're going to get together. We're going to read the book, You know, we're going to get involved and get, you know, you can throw me into service work. You know, you know, I made the mistake one night of saying I was bored. And he said, well, there's a whole bunch of other young people trying to put together a conference. Why don't you get involved with that? And I was like, oh boy,

you know, his other introduction of service work, you know, I was like, I always tell the story. I was like, I thought I was doing a good job because I would dump out my ashtray. I would throw out my coffee cup, and I would push in my chair at the end of the meeting. And then I would come to find out that all that meant is that my mother raised me right. You know, his idea of service was to throw out somebody else's coffee cup, dump out somebody else's ashtray, pushing a chair, and then not look for an attaboy at the end of it that you're going to do something for somebody else and not look for anything in return. And I was like, you know, I was like. And

the other thing that he sold me on, you know, is that a A never knocked on my door for membership. I wound up in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous because everything I tried did not work. If there was anything that I could do to stop drinking and it would and be happy about it and it would have worked and I would not be sitting in rooms of a A. He pointed out that a A was the last stop on the block and that the only thing that they had to offer to get well was the 12 steps, you know, And I remember sitting there with them and I was like, I don't know if the steps are going to work for me. I know they work,

I know they work for your sponsor. I see them working for other people, but I don't know if the 12 steps will work for me. He pointed out the fact that I had not yet taken the 12 steps, so I could not have an opinion on experience I had not had yet. So therefore the only thing I had to do was put into action and do the 12 steps and put them into my lifestyle. You know, he pointed out that,

you know, that I needed a spiritual awakening in order to get well. That's what says and we agnostics, OK, the very, you know, after 50 pages of being convinced that I can't drink normally when I put alcohol in my body, I don't act like everybody else and I can't not put alcohol in my body because of a mental obsession. 5 pages to give me convinced of two things. It's like I wonder if I was thick headed, you know, So, you know, but once I got convinced of those two things, it then says in Wii agnostics that the only thing that's going to solve, you know, solve it, you know, is a spiritual awakening.

He pointed out to me that the spiritual awakening is guaranteed to me as a result of the 12 steps. All I had to do was take them, you know, He also pointed out to me that, you know, after I get to the 12th step, it's not a finish line, it's a beginning because after I have a spiritual awakening, I then get to carry that message to others, you know, so I would get involved in helping people. And for a guy like me who'd been who felt useless in his entire life, the idea of being useful sound like a pretty good deal to me, you know, So I look forward to someday being, you know, being able to help somebody, you know, So,