The Grand Prairie Round-up in Grand Prairie, AB Canada

So on that note, I'm just going to introduce Kevin. There's nothing special about Kevin. He'll tell you that.

But on a serious note, I was in a treatment center in Calgary and I went to a meeting. Shipwreck at sunset,

9:30 on a Friday. Yeah, anyways,

Kevin was there and he was sharing and they told me if I didn't get a sponsor in a treatment center, I was in there and kick my ass out. So I was like, OK, I got a sponsor. So I asked Kevin and you know, he, I'll let him tell the rest of that story. But in short, he was instrumental in getting me involved in the steps,

working the steps, studying the book, living the principles and trying to be a better person. And he's got a special place in my heart. And there's a lot of people that are that are not doing what they say they're doing. And Kevin is, he's an example of a, a that anyone can look up to, whether you've got 48 years or four days right in, in my opinion. And he

devotes his life to sponsoring men and to putting on big book studies and doing this stuff that I aspire to do. And it's it's an honor and a privilege to be a part of a roundup committee

and to be of service to all you people. And it's an honor and a privilege to introduce my friend Kevin to come and speak on a Sunday morning. Thank you.

Well, good morning, everybody. My name is Kevin Olson. I'm an alcoholic

and it's a a tremendous honor and a tremendous privilege to be here this morning.

You know, there there's so many people that I want to acknowledge and that I want to thank. First of all, I, I, I know that the committee for the Grand Prairie Roundup this year is, is relatively new and has taken on a big responsibility this year. And

Clinton Riley and everyone else who's on the committee, I just want to give them a round of applause. You've been an outstanding job this weekend

and I know it's it has not been easy this weekend. I know talking with Riley all weekend, there's been, there's been some stuff happened this weekend. You know, I know Bev's flight was was delayed. And

yeah, I know my flight was delayed.

Rather, I know, I know, I know I was delayed. You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way here.

I get to the airport in Calgary and, and everything's going great. And I think to myself, man, I'm getting good at traveling. I've got this kind of figured out. You know, I've traveled for work, I've traveled to Houston, I've traveled to Dallas. I'm starting to get this really well figured out.

You know, it's almost too easy. And I get to the to the gate and they look at my boarding pass and they look at my driver's license and they, they point out to me that my birthday was five days ago. And on my birthday, my driver's license expired

and they did not let me on the plane. And so I had to call Riley and eat a big, big, big piece of humble pie and, and, and explain to him that I was going to be late. I was, I was delayed and there was no, there was nothing to do. There was no way around it. Transport Canada was not, it was not negotiable. And you know, I know that there's some of you out there right now thinking, well,

should have checked his license, right? Somebody asked me yesterday if I had identified what defective character was that allowed me to let my license expire, right? I get it. I know, I know,

I know. I also know there's some of you out there right now thinking, none, I need to check my license.

And I also know that there's some of you out there thinking, man, I'd just be happy if I can get my license back.

I'm very glad to be here. I'm very glad to be here. And

as soon as I arrived, I want to thank Jamie and I want to thank Carolyn. I don't want to thank Jalen. I don't want to thank Bailey for opening your house to me. And I want you to know, Jamie, from the moment that I got here and I met you, I knew I was OK. I was here in a A with you guys.

I had that feeling

and I sat down with Jamie and Carolyn in their home. They invited me into their home, let me stay in their home, you know,

and we stayed up and we talked for two hours about recovery, but alcoholism, about recovery, about Al Anon.

It's a family disease, family recovery, right? Norma?

I want to thank the other speakers this weekend as well. Bev, I'm, I really wish I would have heard you. I really wish I could have been here. I blame Transport Canada.

I'm always blaming somebody else. It's part of my nature.

Norma outstanding job yesterday. Just a brilliant, brilliant Al Anon talk. Al Anon has a special place in my heart. Al Anon probably saved my family and and quite literally probably saved my father's life

behind my addiction to my alcoholism, my recovery. You know, my father went into a deep, deep, deep dark depression and Al Anon saved my family, saved my father's life and I have do do do respect to Alan on and always will. Round up a pawn applause for all the Al Anon teams

today.

Aaron did an outstanding job last night. Really, men, Really, Aaron, I want to say that just a consummate a a speaker, one of one of truly one of the best that I've heard. And I know that that's probably not an easy story for you to tell all the time. And I want to thank you for coming and sharing your heart with us and taking us through your experience

and sharing that with us so that we can grow and that we can see the evidence in the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous in your life and share it with you and see it in our lives as well. Thank you.

Just as as Aaron did last night,

I'm going to read a little bit of the book

to get myself centered. Some of the people here today have asked me to, you know, sign their books as a memento and memory of this weekend, and I always signed page 25. Page 25 is my favorite part in the book, and I'm going to read a couple different passages today. What I want to read right now is this.

If you were seriously alcoholic, as we were, we believe there is no middle of the road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible,

and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives. One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could, and the other was to accept spiritual help.

My story in AA is, is has not been an easy one.

I want to let you know I do not have a linear A A story, OK? I'm not a guy who came to a A and got it. I know that there are many who do, and it's just not my experience. I want to ask tonight, can I or today rather, can I just see a show of hands? Anyone here in their first year of recovery right now? Yeah. A round of applause, you guys.

That's so brilliant.

I'm so glad that you're here. And I know that there's there's many people here from NAC, the Northern Addiction Center. Is that right? Yeah, some, some guys and and gals actually living in treatment right now that are here. And I know I know all about that. I, I toured and audited many different treatment centers in my life. And, you know, I want to start out like I'm going to, you know, I'm going to talk, you know, about my story, obviously, but

believe that there are some things

that I was around a A for years

going to meetings

that I just, there were some pieces of information that I didn't get. Now, I'm not saying that they weren't available. I'm just saying that I didn't get them, OK. For a while, there was a point, my recovery where I was convinced that, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous in Calgary was trying to kill me until we came and we brought the big book, you know, blah, blah, blah, that whole thing. The truth is, for many years, my recovery, if you had a big book under your arm, I ran away from you,

right? I didn't want to know it. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I just wanted to go to meetings and like stay sober and that was going to be OK.

And for me, it wasn't until I absolutely surrendered, not just to the problem, not just to alcohol, but I had to surrender to the solution. And there is a big difference for me.

So some of you were here for the foundation meeting yesterday. I'm going to talk about you can, if you were here with the foundation meeting yesterday, you can go to sleep for about the next 10 minutes, OK? Because I'm just going to share some more stuff, some similar stuff. Because listen, I was around a A for many, many years with before I had some just basic dots connected. You know, Bev and I were talking about just connecting these dots in terms of, of a, a history, but also in terms of what's wrong with me, The three things that every alcoholic needs to know in order to achieve recovery in a A. I

know what the problem is. I need to know what the solution is, and I need to have a program of action that I can take to connect to that solution. The first thing, if you're new here tonight, nobody's told you, Please let me share this with you. What my problem is. My problem is what Doctor Silkworth outlines in this book. In the chapter of the Doctor's opinion, he calls it the grave nature of alcoholism.

I have a physical allergy to alcohol, and that physical allergy manifests itself in a phenomenon of craving, phenomenon of craving for more alcohol. Once I start drinking, the more I drink, the more that I want the drunker I get, the drunker I want to get. That is my experience with alcohol. You know, there's some some particular

activities that only Alcoholics ever participate in. You guys willing to do a little audience participation this morning show hands. Who here has ever bought off sales after the bar closed? Show of Hands There is only one group of people on the planet

that need to go buy more alcohol after the bar closes and that is people in the grips of had a phenomenon of craving beyond their control. I bought off sales many, many times in my life. OK, because I needed. The more that I drank, the more that I want. I have this unusual relationship with alcohol. Once I start, I cannot stop. Let me ask you another question. And again, this is something that is only relative to Alcoholics. See, I'm the guy

at 5:00 AM when the party's over

and all the booze is gone. I will walk around and I will drink the bottoms of leftover beers. OK, now here's a trivia question. What would I inevitably get in my mouth when I tipped up a bottle of beer like that?

These are my people.

If you knew the answer to that question,

I'd like to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous. Raise your hand if after the cigarette butt you finish the rest of the beer.

Yep.

But you know what? That's not the problem. That's not the real problem.

In fact,

the biggest problem that I have are the other two

areas of the problem of the problem itself. Physical allergy, Mental obsession.

See, because no matter how many times I got into trouble behind drinking and swore off and swear, I'm never going to do this again, it's never going to happen to me again. That's it. I'm done. I'm through forever. Over some period of time, some period of sobriety, I would inevitably have an insane thought.

I wouldn't have a drink. I would have a thought

and thought would say something to the effect of

it's going to be OK, man, I'm just going to go. For me, it was never one. I'd never lied to myself to the extent that I was going to have one drink. I knew it was never one. I'm going to have 6 drinks. I'm just going to have 6 drinks. Just six. No big deal. Just catch a buzz, take the edge off. It'll be fine, right? And four days later, I'd be slamming my head again on the table saying how did this happen? How did I let this happen? I had this insane thought

I could not overcome. It's an absolute mental blank spot. The delusion, the illusion, the chapter more about alcoholism. Bill describes it in whole bunch of different ways. At base he is talking about the same thing, the thought that precedes the first drink. See, I thought insanity, the insanity of alcoholism, I thought for years meant the crazy things that I did when I was drinking, right? Isn't that the insanity of alcoholism? And I would actually bring up the topic insanity at meetings.

And those three topic disgusting meetings,

I would bring up the topic of insanity

so I could hear your funny war stories.

But that's not the insanity of alcoholism. The insanity of alcoholism for me is that at some point I have no mental defense. And I'm going to do all those same things again when I pick up the first drink. And I have no mental defense against that.

The other problem

is the spiritual sickness. All of that physical allergy, mental obsession is all being fueled by this spiritual sickness deep within me. And when I was 12 years old, I was not well.

I was

scared,

tense, nervous kid in school. I remember many times if I got any grade less than an AI would openly start crying in class.

I was an only child. I still am an only child,

very, very lonely only child. In fact. Doctor Bob and his story Doctor Bob's Nightmare talks about being an only child and how he believed that being an only child engendered the selfishness which would later play such an important role in bringing on his alcoholism.

And I was angry was an angry, angry, angry 12 year old kid. I was getting bullied at school and I would have terrible, terrible fantasies about getting back the guys who were bullying me at school. And I was

just sick, sick 12 year old kid. Now, if you would have asked me, Kevin, what's wrong,

I don't think my answer would have been, well, you know, I just, I think I think I'm a little spiritually secret now. I'm feeling a little spiritually off, OK. But I believe today that that's precisely what was wrong with me. This deep spiritual sickness, this deep spiritual malady inside of me. And one night in a pickup truck with a bunch of friends, driving out to a farm party,

listening to Metallica's Enter Sandman for the first time.

12 years old. Somebody handed me a bottle of Roqueberry wine cooler.

Two Leader

and as as many of us talk about, I had at that moment a transformational experience.

I experienced that night drinking that rocking Berry wine cooler and anything else I could get my hands on. That night

I experienced emotions and feelings that I did not know were available to me.

I experienced A level of freedom and a level of well-being unlike anything I had felt up to that point in my life.

And I became incredibly thirsty.

And of course, that night I was running around stealing drinks from everyone, getting anything I could get my hands on. I remember wearing, I was wearing this white shirt and drinking paralyzer like right out of a milk carton and spilling it all over myself and just howling at the moon, man, loving, loving every minute of it, right? And that physical allergy kicked in like crazy from the very, very beginning. First time I drank,

absolutely. I know today. And what I didn't know at the time is that that was an abnormal reaction to alcohol.

I didn't know that until many years later when I came to AA. And it was even after many years in AA when I finally sat down and did a Joe and Charlie Big book study and started to learn what was actually wrong with me. To start to read the doctor's opinion and start to understand this physical allergy, that that reaction that I had when I was 12 years old was abnormal. It doesn't happen that way for everyone. You know, like Clancy says, sometimes a lot of people take a drink and it goes

does nothing,

right. We don't understand that. I didn't understand that, that for normal drinkers, there's there's very little effect. For a guy like me, when I take a drink, it is it is like coming home. It it was the best thing that I ever experienced in my life. And I have another memory of that night. And this is a memory that was to follow me for the rest of my life. Every throughout my drinking career was late that night. I got the sense that the party was starting to shut down

and they were turning the music off and they were putting the booze away and they were getting ready to leave. And I knew

that tomorrow I was going to have to go back to feeling the way that I felt before. I was going to have to go back to being that other guy. And I made a decision consciously right then. I will do anything I can to get as much of that stuff as I can in me for the rest of my life, and I'll do anything. It was the best thing I ever felt in my life.

The other thing is I experienced some consequences from that night. There was no trouble, No trouble at all. Stayed at my buddy's pace place. Went home the next day, it's like nothing happened. It was fine. It was miraculous. It was the best thing I ever had.

So one of the other great things about being an only child is that I had no brothers or sisters around to watch what I was doing. OK? And I was what's known as a latchkey kid, which means both my parents worked, which means I had a lot of time at home alone by myself. And my parents had an amazing liquor cabinet.

Very, very extensive liquor cabinet. OK. My parents are social people and they like to entertain. By no means am I trying to imply that my parents have a drinking problem at all.

Fact they are disgustingly moderate drinkers.

Give you an example. One time I went to a hotel, my dad was in town visiting and I went to his hotel room and I was in a A at this point and I went and and my dad was having a, a Ryan Coke. Now, let me explain to you first of all, how my father has a Ryan Coke. He gets a glass and he gets a couple of ice cubes and he gets a little shot glass and he pours out exactly 1 ounce of rye and he pours that into the glass. Then he kills the rest of Diet Coke, right? It's like, what are you using a shot glass for?

What? It just doesn't matter.

So he had a couple drinks, and I noticed that.

And then we went out to the restaurant

and I ordered a Diet Coke and my dad ordered a Coke.

And I noticed that and I said, Dad, you're not gonna have another drink. He said, I don't really like the way Ryan Cokes taste in restaurants. You know, they use cheap rye. And I don't really like the way the Coke tastes. I might have another drink later but I'm OK right now.

I thought, no, I'm, I'm adopted.

It's got to be. It's got to be right. My parents are, are normal drinkers by any stretch of the imagination. I come from people who are normal drinkers,

but I did not drink their alcohol normally. And I got into that liquor cabinet as as soon as hard as I could. And by the time I was 14 years old, I was drinking daily and I would take, you know, you know, call it garbage mix or whatever you want. I take a little bit of vodka and a little bit of whiskey and a little bit of Jamboree and a little bit of amaretto and a little bit of whatever it was and, and put it all together and drink that down as hard as I could. And then go to the medicine cabinet and open it up. And whatever pills said

take with alcohol may cause drowsiness. I would, you know, take ten of those and go to school.

That's how I was living. That was my that was my high school career. That's how I was at that point. And, you know, I was always kind of exposed to AAI always knew a a was kind of around my mom is a therapist, which was interesting. I'm here to tell you that if being able to learn how to express your feelings enabled recovery from alcoholism, I would have recovered a long time ago. I was able to sit around at, at kitchen tables with my parents and discuss therapy and different therapy modalities and feelings and,

and all of that stuff.

That was not for me what I needed in terms of recovery from alcoholism, right? Anything short of a spiritual awakening and I am doomed to die in alcoholic death. That's what it was. That's what it took for me. I had to find a spiritual recovery.

So my mom, you know, being a therapist and, and

I knew about a A from an early age and all throughout, you know, my story today,

you're going to hear other times, many other times talking about people in a A that came and touched my life, even though I may not have stayed sober. And I need to remember that because I work with a lot of people. I'm very privileged and grateful to work with a lot of people, and they don't always stay sober,

but maybe I left them at least with a a positive impression of who we are and the Alcoholics Anonymous so that when they were ready, when I was ready to come back, my mind was filled with positive memories of a A

so I always knew about AA. And I remember standing in the kitchen one morning on my way to school with a bottle of vodka, tipping it back, taking a drink, thinking, you know, I'm probably going to end up in A someday,

but not today.

And so that's how I spent my high school career. I spent my house high school career drinking, drinking every morning. I remember

in a health class one day, they actually had a guy from a A come and talk to her high school class.

And it was, you know, I noticed that because I had been drinking that morning already. And I remember him coming and talking about, you know, I drank a case of beer before I went out to the party. And then I had to go party and he was talking about the last night that he relapsed. And everyone in my class was like a ghast that you would drink a whole case of beer before going out to the party. And I just remember thinking like, this is my kind of guy, right?

And all through high school, you know, I, I knew that there was some kind of a problem. I knew that what I was doing wasn't normal, but it hadn't become a real problem yet. I was at that point still very functional. And, and throughout high school, I mean, I did extremely well. I was, I was, you know, third in line for valedictorian. And I was school president that year. And I was on the peer support team, which was also

bizarre. You know, there were many times where I was counseling people who needed to get to ADAK or whatever it was. And I had been, I, you know, I had to go back and look at the notes from last time because I couldn't remember,

you know, what, what I was doing. I'm, you know, I'm 16 years old, you know,

and you know, I kept, I kept on like that, you know, and, and for a lot of us, there is a point at which we cross over that invisible line from functional hard drinking into into just out of control alcoholism. For me, that happened after I graduated high school. After I graduated high school, three things happened and about the span of a month that for me there was no coming back from.

And those three things were

I went to university, moved out of my parents house.

Two, I went through a breakup of a high school relationship and I had a lot of resentment and hurt feelings about that and whatnot. And then the third was that I turned 18. I was, I was actually legal to drink now. And if there was ever going to be a time where you let a dog off a leash, that was it. Man, Let me tell you, as soon as I knew that you could, I remember like it's like coming to like, wait a minute, You mean if I have money, I can go to any liquor store, any bar, anytime I want and get anything I want. Like I don't have to deal with bootleggers anymore. I don't have to deal with my

friends older brothers ripping me off to get more booze. I don't have to steal booze from my parents anymore.

That's it. I can get like, yeah, that's the deal. And I went to pieces very, very quickly. And I was in the university and at town Lethbridge, I guess you guys know probably. And I was in Lethbridge, in university and in the second semester, I remember coming to coming out of a blackout and I was like 3 weeks into the semester and I hadn't even darkened the door of a classroom yet. I didn't even have like the syllabus for the courses. I hadn't got my textbooks yet. And I knew I was in trouble. There was not going to be really any way out of this

and

I didn't know what to do. And as God would have it, I got a phone call and phone calls from my buddy Matt. And Matt was a drummer in a band, punk rock band, Medicine Hat. And I've known those guys for a long time. They know that I play guitar. And they were, they just signed a record deal and they were going on tour and their bass player had just quit and did I want to drop out of university and join their punk rock band and tour around Canada?

Yes, I did. Yes I did. And that's what I did. That's what I did. And I discovered very quickly an Alcoholics three favorite words, free liquor tab, Hey band drinks for free man. And even at that point, I think I had some idea of this physical allergy to alcohol because I had to try really hard not to drink before the show.

If I drank before the show, then all bets were off. So I had to not drink before the show. We'd go play the show and then after the show,

you know, whatever would happen. I mean, you can imagine 519 year olds touring around in a van across Canada and a punk rock band filled with, you know, tour support money. It got, it got pretty gnarly, all right. And

as it turned out, believe it or not, I got kicked out of that band. And what I got kicked out of the band for was not the way that I drank or not the way that I though I was, you know, doing indulging other commodities.

I got kicked out of that band for drinking and driving. I got kicked out of that band for my belligerent repeal and inability to stop myself from drinking and driving. In fact, I think I suffer from a physical allergy to drinking and driving when I start drinking for whatever reason. I know there's some of you in here as well. We've talked about this. I talked about this with a couple people. I want to immediately start driving. I don't know why that is. And the guys in the band has basically said, you know what? We're, we're, we're done with you, man, We're done. You know,

we don't want to be associated with someone who's going to do that. You're going to kill somebody, you're going to kill yourself. We just don't have anything to do with it. And and that's it. So they kicked me out of that band and, and I tried to, to go back to university and I tried to go back to school and I was looking at my parents house and,

and things became really, really gross, really, really gross in my parents house and became very, very sick. And, and you know, I was speaking about my father earlier, he went into a deep dark depression. You know, he didn't know what to do with, with his son, his beloved son that was dying in the basement. And it was destroying my parents marriage and their relationship. And ultimately they decided that they had to ask me to leave.

And so I left and I moved in. I moved into a house in in Medicine Hat, this little flop house

with three guys named Lucas, Ben and Monkey.

That's a true story, absolutely true. In fact, years later, I met Monkey in a treatment center in recovery and Lucas and Ben a Monkey when I was in grade nine. They were like the bad kids. I was never going to be like those kids, right? Five years later, I'm living in a house with Lucas Bennett Monkey and they are throwing me out

because I'm out of control and, and I certainly was. I was very, very sick. Lucas made his own homemade wine and when I moved in there, he had 200 bottles of fortified homemade wine under his stairs and told me to help myself.

And I got as physically sick, I think as a as a, as a 1920 year old man can get. And I actually started getting a wine source on my body,

terrible rashes coming through my skin. Just not, not, not a good place. And

one night, you know, it's not an unusual story for people like us. One night after a very real suicide attempt, I ended up in the psychiatric ward in medicine at Regional Hospital place called 5 N and I stayed there for quite a long time. And living in a psych ward in that hospital for many

months was the first time that I ever remember having this book

in my hand. They had a copy of it at the hospital. And I shared about this yesterday. And you know, we joke about it and we have a laugh. But when I started reading this book, I went to Page 1, which meant I immediately started reading Bill's story. It also means that I missed like a whole bunch of some of the most important stuff in this book, man, I missed the doctor's opinion. I missed a whole bunch of the stuff about a a history. And I start reading about this guy named Bill.

And one of the reasons why for me, it's so important, you know, I, I, I facilitate a big book study every Monday night.

Riley knows he's been there, you know, every Monday night for two hours every Monday night. And we've been doing that for probably 8 years now. Part of it is because I feel a huge debt to help people understand this book. Because sitting there alone in the psych ward with my brains complete scrambled eggs, I could not make heads or tails of what this guy Bill was talking about. I had no idea what war he was talking about. What is a Hampshire Grenadier? Who is Walter Hagen?

The remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row and I became a lone wolf.

What does that mean? I had no idea. I couldn't figure any of this out and I just became frustrated with it. But the only thing that they would let me out of the hospital for was to go to a A meetings. And so a fellow named Lonnie. And again, this is another example of someone else who came into my life at a particular time. And I didn't stay sober behind all this, but I remember this fellow named Lonnie coming to pick me up and take me to a A meetings. And he would come and he would sign me out of the hospital, and he was doing service work, you know, to a kid who was just absolutely turned upside down.

And he would take me to these meetings.

And, you know, I remembered he was only supposed to take me to the meetings. But once in a while, we would break the rules and we would stop at Nifty 50s Cafe and he would buy me French fries and a milkshake before he'd take me back to the hospital. I'll never forget spending Christmas in 1998. Not psych ward. They would not let me out until I could get into a treatment center. And there wasn't one available at the time. And after New Year's that year, they had to move me in the hospital. They didn't. I wasn't acute enough, but they didn't want me to to leave yet.

So I'm 19 years old and they put me in a new place in the hospital. They actually put me in the palliative care unit,

which is I felt like I fit right in, you know, and, and that's how I was living at the time.

So, you know, I left that psych ward and, and I started probably one of the, the really the darkest periods of my entire life. After that psych ward, I went to a treatment center, not a, a based treatment center. And that was a period of my life for that, that, that, you know, three years, I started touring different treatment centers and I started just going to a lot of meetings and completely missed the whole purpose of a A and I didn't

and the point of having a sponsor. And I didn't understand these 12 steps. And I certainly did not understand whatsoever the importance of having a spiritual awakening and developing this relationship with God. And all I was doing for that period of my life was going to meetings and nothing else. And my understanding at that point was that A is like group therapy. That's the point. You go in, I talk about my stuff, I talk about my problems, and somehow I'm supposed to leave the meeting and feel better. And I didn't. And I would go home. And there was one point in my life I was going to like 5:00 AM meetings a day

on the bus,

just trying to stay sober and not want to kill myself. And it was just a very, very dark period in my life. And,

and

ultimately, you know, after, after many, many relapses and multiple, multiple different relapses, I called a treatment center that I had been to before. And, and I called them and I, I begged them. I don't want to get into the whole story about the last night that I drank, but it wasn't pretty. And, and I called them and I begged them, please let me into this treatment center again. I'll do anything. I'm desperate to get into this treatment center. And so I came down to the interview and they sent me home and they called me back and they said, we want you to know

that we've agreed to let you back in the treatment center,

like, OK, great. And they said we also want you to know that we took a vote amongst the counselors and the vote was not unanimous, right? And that's because I prior to, you know, being in that treatment center, I was a, you know, dishonest, manipulative, obnoxious, very, very difficult client for them to have. There was no surrender whatsoever in me at that time. So I went back to that treatment center and the counselors in that treatment center were always talking about, you know, you need to get honest with yourself. You need to get honest with yourself. And finally,

in desperation, one day I went back to that treatment. I went to the counselor's office rather and said, I have no idea what you mean by that.

What do you mean by that? Get honest with yourself. And they said, well, that's probably a good start. You know, coming here and asking us that question is probably a good start. And what they recommended, they said, Kevin, why don't you go up to your room and talk to God? Ask God to show you what's true. Ask God to show you the truth about you. And so I did, and I went up to my room and I had remembered somebody one time talking about the power of praying on my knees

instead of just talking to God, you know, standing in the shower like God, are you there?

No, all right, never mind. All right. Or praying while I'm like driving down the street, you know, that kind of thing. And that's, that's fine. I mean, if that's where, where, where, you know, where I'm at, that's where I'm at. But for me, the first time that I got down to my knees to pray was one of my first real, true, genuine spiritual experiences. I was just talking to where's Corey Lynn?

Corey Lynn, you're going to try it? Yeah. We were just talking about that. We were just talking about that this morning, right. What are some of the actions, just simple actions that I can take, you know, that that will make a difference. And for me, I got down to my knees in that treatment center, and I asked God to show me what was true. And for me, that was the first moment. What the book says is that I learned, we learned we had to concede to our innermost selves that we were truly alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery. And for me, in that moment, on my knees in that treatment center, that was where I firmly and

surrendered surrender to,

not just to alcoholism, not just to the problem, but I also surrendered to the solution. You know, the three things that every alcoholic needs to know to understand in order to achieve recovery in AAI need to know what the problem is, but I also need to know what the solution is. And I surrendered to the solution in that moment. I surrendered, I believe to God in my own understanding in that moment.

The other thing that we need in order to achieve that solution is a program of action. Our program vaccine of the 12 steps, the 12 spiritual actions. If you're new here today, let me please share something with you that was shared with me. Our 12 steps, that is Alcoholics Anonymous, That is what we have. Those 12 steps, Everything that we have here comes as a result of those 12 steps.

Step 12 says having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps.

See, I thought for years that what I needed to do was become spiritual so that I could do the steps.

And I understand today that all I'm deciding to do in Step 3, all I'm really deciding to do is that I want to have that spiritual awakening. I haven't had it yet. You know, I talk in a big book study. It's like if I say I want to go to Las Vegas, does that mean I'm in Las Vegas? No, I'm just making a decision that I want to go to Las Vegas. But I've got a lot of work to do before I can get there. OK. And the work that we do here is that program of action. It's those 12 steps. And for the first time on my knees in that treatment center, I surrendered not to the problem, but I surrendered to the.

And to me, that is a far more important surrender for me to make. I surrender to the solution God as I understood him in that moment. And the other thing like Cordelaine and I were talking about, it's like I don't need to understand God to make this beginning.

You know, the two questions it asks in the chapter, We agnostics, am I, do I now believe or am I even willing to believe there is a power greater than myself. All I have to do is be willing and try and make that effort.

And for me sitting in that treatment center, that's where it happened for me.

And I got very busy in a, a immediately, I actively, I got a sponsor for the first time. I got a really good sponsor who was taking me through this work and was willing to dedicate time to me. The time that I tried to dedicate to my sponsees today as a, as a way of, you know, paying back the debt that I've been given. And this sponsor took me through steps four and took me through step Step 5. And you know, I remember, you know, level of willingness, like I didn't show up for my