The 4th National Annual Drug Addicts Anonymous Conference in Jensen Beach, FL

Hey guys, my name is Kyle. I'm a drug addict,

all right? I've also been the

the scheduling chair for this committee and yeah, I, I just want to say it's been really cool to have everybody here and everybody here throughout the day and everybody that showed up last night. I know we all really appreciate it quite a bit. You know, I just want to say it was mentioned a few times. Sean mentioned it also like some of the poor holes that happened over the past year that we've been working on putting this together.

It's been a really interesting thing to be a part of. So I've spent like the last, probably close to the last six months putting this schedule together. I took the position and was thinking like, oh, it's just the schedule. You know, I know it's important, but it's, you know, it's not a giant deal. And then I started making the schedule and starting to get the speakers arranged and starting to get the speakers in place and the topics

and just kind of the format of the of the entire conference.

And I realized it was a lot of work. And even still, you know, right up to this moment, we are not on track with the time at this point. So whatever itineraries you guys have, follow them loosely. The good thing is that we have the venue here a little bit later tonight than we actually planned on having it, so we don't have to be in a huge rush to get everything through. So again, I appreciate everybody that's here and also everybody else on the committee that's helped put this together.

So with that being said, before I introduce our next speaker, I, I want to preface it by saying that there is a spiritual retreat that a good handful of us go up to in South Carolina every year in October and also in April it's every six months. And I started to see this gentleman around a little bit up on the mountaintop. He is no cowboy from here. From Stuart, though,

I started to see this guy up on the mountain up in South Carolina

over the past few years that I've been going up there. I didn't really know him though, and very recently probably,

I don't know, May, maybe end of May, something like that. Beginning of June, I had the opportunity to do some actual real deal 12 step work with this guy. I driven up to Ocala to take care of it. And you know, it's not a short drive from here, but you know, what are we willing to do? So I, I got the, I got the opportunity to really, you know, spend some time with this dude and hang out and like I said, take care of some real deal 12 step work. And,

you know, we, we were hanging out of this house and I asked when I was like, hey man, we have this DAA conference coming up. It's in September,

you know. What do you think about coming down to speak though? And immediately it was. Yeah, man, absolutely. Let me know time and a date. You know, that's, that's the kind of stuff that I like to see. That's the kind of stuff that I I like to see in our speakers. Every speaker that we've had today is phenomenal. We still have a really good lineup for the rest of the evening here. So, you know, without further ado, I'll give you guys Joe B.

Good good afternoon. My name is Joe. I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic and drug addict. I say recovered, right? Had a hard time with people saying that for a long time, right? But when I when I read the book, what it said is we first 100 have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. And that's where I'm at today, you know, and I've had some severe injuries in my life over over this time in my recovery. And what I found out, even with injuries,

there's a time of recovery and there's a time that I have recovered, right? And that's contingent on the basis of what I do. I'm giving a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual conditioning that requires maintenance. That being said, I'm Joe. I'm here from this area, born in West Palm Beach, FL grew up around here, grew up in Stuart, Hope Sound, Martin County area.

Basically, the literature that's written, you know, I'm not unique,

I'm a miracle. But so is every single other person sitting in this audience right now. If you've got 24 hours

and you were addicted to drugs or alcohol, then you know what a miracle it is just to get those first 24 hours. And that's whether it was in a detox or rehab or whether it was sitting on someone's couch or wherever you were. My story is unique to me, but it's not me. You know, when I was growing up, just a little bit, you know about my alcoholism long before I ever took a drink or a drug, You know, as I was growing up, I always felt uncomfortable. I'm sure you guys have heard many people say that when they tell their story.

Man, I was uncomfortable growing up. I didn't feel like I fit in. So I went above and beyond to fit in wherever I went, you know, and, and that was a, a recurring story with me growing up. I grew up in a good home. I did have some horrible things happen to me that should never happen to any child growing up, you know,

but but I found out later on recovery, it's not the things that happened to me that made me a drug addict or an alcoholic. It's the way that I dealt with it because I know many, many successful people that are not drug addicts and are not Alcoholics and have been through the exact same things that I've been through,

right? But it's the way that Joe chose to deal with those things that was my relief. So that uncomfortability with me, you know, it, it kind of, as I grew it, it kind of grew too, you know, and I got into my teenage years and I got into middle school and, you know, I had gone to private schools most of my life and then my parents put me in the, into the public school sector. And man, kids were mean.

Oh, man, shit.

Like, man, you know, I was raised turning the other cheek and be nice to everybody. And you know, I thought that's just how the world was. And man, I got out into the into public school at 12 years old and, and kids were just mean. They called you names, they picked on you. I was a little guy, you know, they call me shrimp and preachers kid and picked on me. And that just made that feeling I had inside even worse, you know, and the things that happened to me created a lot of anger as a kid. You know, when I was a kid, a lot of that stuff was justified. I was a kid.

No, I didn't have a choice in what happened to me. I didn't have a choice in the way I processed with process those things. I didn't have a choice in the way I dealt with it, you know. But when I became 18I became a man and I had a choice to learn how to start to deal with those things. And the way I dealt with it was to drug and drink.

I remember specifically the very first time I didn't try a drug first. You know, I tried alcohol first. I was probably 13 years old. And there was a, a group of kids in the summertime that would always be down at the beach. And they were always down there, you know, having a good time. And I'd be with my cousin and we'd sit back and watch them down there having a fire on the beach. And man, I wanted to go over there and hang out with those kids so bad. I wanted to be part of that cool crowd, right? But that insecurity that I had just kept me, kept me just from a distance watching.

And one day me and my cousin got ahold of some beer and we hit it on the beach, by the way, which is not a good idea to stick beer in the sand all day long on the beach. Drink it later. But I did it, you know, and I didn't know this then, but I know this now. So that becomes part of my story as I took this journey to find out about myself. What happened was immediately, I went over to this party and I acted like an idiot, just like every time I ever drank or got high.

Acted like an idiot, right? But what happened was those voices that were in my head ever since I was a kid that told me I wasn't big enough, I wasn't tall enough, I didn't look good. You know, there's something wrong with me. You don't fit in, they won't like you. They're going to reject you. All these voices that wild around in my head since I was a kid,

they went away. You know, I, like I said, I couldn't understand that then I just knew that whatever it was, man, I liked it, right? And that night I blacked out, I puked, I blacked out. I woke up in a bathtub. And that started a pattern of my life at the from the age of 13 on

probably around, I think I was like 17, you know, I would have these patterns of getting too drunk and then I would realize I was too drunk and then I would go try to hide. So people didn't beat me up because I tended to have a big mouth when I was drunk

and be places that I didn't belong, right. So I didn't like getting beat up and I knew if I was too drunk that there was number chance and even fighting back. So I would go find these places to hide and try to sleep it off. Well, that happened one night at a party and I woke up in the hospital. You know, some guys got ahold of me and they nearly beat me to death. And I said way back then at 17, I said, you know,

you know, there's drinking. It's not, you know, I like this is bad. You know, I don't, it's, it's like, I know I got a problem with it cuz I never know what's gonna happen. So what I did was I decided to pick up some other stuff. I decided to pick up, you know, marijuana. And from there, you know, as I'm sure everyone sitting here can relate to and progress, it went from that to the age of 20, you know, trying cocaine. And man, I thought when I found that boy, I had arrived, right? And I never understood, like

I sold drugs most of my life by the way, too, because that was another way that allowed me to fit in. It wasn't because I came from an underprivileged family. It wasn't because I had to do it. I didn't have to do it to survive. Now, back then, I would have told you I did. I tried to portray myself as the victim, that I needed to do all this to be OK. But the truth was, as I've taken the journey to find out about Joe, the truth was I did all that stuff to fit in. I did all that stuff because it made me important. I did

all that stuff because it gave me a degree of control over other people, right? But I had no idea back then that's what I was doing

anyways. I would sit back and I would sell drugs to people, man. And I would make fun of that man, man, too. Look at that guy. So pathetic, man. This girl's so pathetic, man. They bring me. Oh, look at what they're doing, man. Their kids are at home. And I'd sit back, man. And I, I specifically remember, you know, time sitting on my couch and judging people that were my friends, right?

While I'm giving it to him, you know, I'm the one contributing to the problem that they have. But I'm OK with that because I'm getting a dollar bill from it.

You know, later on in life, as my addiction began to grow and I got into other things and I found out what physical, not just mental addiction, I found out what physical addiction was. I found out what it was to be a prisoner

of drugs and alcohol. Not just the lifestyle, but a prisoner where, where I was a slave,

you know, I became every single thing that I hated, you know, and I did that stuff for many years over and over. My journey in recovery started in 2001. I'll just give you a brief overview. You know, I woke up in Palm Beach County Jail. I was facing three life sentences.

I had no bond.

I had $700,000 in a bank account at the age of 27, right? I couldn't use a penny of it.

I couldn't do anything. And I said to myself, you know, I think I might, there just might be a problem here.

You guys can relate to that. Yeah. Yeah, I might have a problem, you know what I mean? And I said, you know, but it's not a problem that money can't solve, right? I got plenty of money South. I'll get the right lawyers and I'll get the right attorneys, you know, and something along in there, you know, I had this thing right, going on ever since I was a kid. I

and I would just like to say that I'm not a overly religious person, but I devoutly believe in my higher power because that is the only reason that I'm standing here right now telling you guys this story. You know, so many things have happened to me from that point, but I'm going to try to walk you guys through those. And, you know, anyways, I was sitting in there and I threw a bunch of money at attorneys and, you know, nine months later, I got a $1 million bond and you know, this is all legit stuff, man. I walk out

and I wasn't out for three days and I overdosed,

you know, and you know, I ran to the whole church thing and you know, I had this problem with God growing up. And see what I thought was that God loved all you guys, right? Because I knew he was real. I never had a problem believing in God or the God idea. I just believed He loved everyone else in the world but me

and I believe that, you know, he would help everyone else in this world but me. So having that problem right and trying to get sober, that's a big problem was a big problem for me because it wasn't a lack of belief. It was an over belief in something that was not going to help me get where I needed to go. Anyways. I ended up getting a 10 year split sentence off of that very first time and I went to prison and I and I dove into

substance abuse one and substance abuse two. And I thought that, you know, if I just got educated enough and I found out why I did this and you know that I would never have to do it again, right? Because, you know, I'm not a stupid. None of us are stupid. I think the book says that we're all over like kind of overly above what the average person is when it comes to work or anything else. My problem, I was always too smart for my own good, you know, So I dove into all this stuff in about a year in man, I was so uncomfortable and I went to this guy

that he was so relatable. You know, I didn't know what about him was relatable. It was this old guy. His name was Mr. Tookery at White Hair. He was a really cool old guy. And he taught this class about, you know, substance abuse. And something about him was just, you know, relatable. And I went to him and I said, man, dude, this sucks. I feel worse right now than I ever did when I was using. And, you know, in my mind that was real, right? Because I, you know, I tend to forget how bad it was,

you know, and he said, Hey, you know, there's this little thing called a A and you know, they have a, they have a meeting here once a week and it's in this building and, you know, you might want to try it.

And so I tried it out. Man, it was cool. But first meeting I went to, I started talking and the guy chairing a meeting that came in from the outside, he's like, hey, shut up. What, You know, the only reason you're talking to me like that is because I'm wearing blue and you're sitting over there. You wouldn't be talking to me like that, you know, that

offended. But umm, you know, that was my, that was my entrance into recovery, right? And I, and I learned a lot of intellectually, you know, and, and, and I got real religious, you know, I, I like to call it emotionalism. You know, I got real emotional. And if you had told me back then, and there's some guys in here that know me, if you had told me back then that I was ever going to use or sell drugs again or do anything like that, I

physically would have fought you given the opportunity. Because I was thoroughly convinced with my ego that I was never going to do that stuff again. Because my head was packed with all this knowledge and I knew what I had done wrong. And I knew all about this stuff. And there was nothing you guys were going to tell me that was going to help me because I had it all right here. And me and God, we were going to take care of things,

OK. And I truly believe that,

you know, sadly,

about four months after I got out of prison, I woke up and I found myself in the same place that I was before I went to prison, only worse. Except for now, I got a 25 year suspended sentence. I've got 7 years of probation. I've got 8 ounces of cocaine sitting in my bedroom dresser drawer and going, how the hell did I get here? I just had almost four years without putting a substance in my body and all of a sudden I wake up here and I'm right back where I was. How the hell did I get here? It's not possible. Well, the literature in the book talks about

self knowledge

only avails us so far. It'll only take us so far. I believe that's in the second and third chapter. You know, I'm not like the the big book guru. Now believe me, I know what's in there. And if somebody needs help, I, I can take you through this 12 steps right here. That's what I can do for you. I can't do anything else. I can't introduce you to God. I can't get you sober. I can't be your banker.

Maybe if you're willing to work, I can give you a job. But I even learned about doing that. It's kind of like a a conflict of interest

because I also found out over the years, I'm kind of codependent, you know? Yeah, Yeah. I got a deep, deep compassion, man, for drug addicts and Alcoholics, man, because of the way that I suffered, guys. I suffered. I suffered, man. And ANYWAYS, and once I went back out that last time, I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous. My buddy Dustin here, man, he used to run the streets with me and I was sober and I had a business and, you know, and the program always gave me what I wanted. I like what the speaker said

earlier. You know, I came in here for all these other reasons, right? My business was going down the tube. So I needed to come in and straighten up so that I could straighten things out and keep things on track. My old lady was on my back, right. And if I didn't, you know, clean things up a little bit, I was going to lose my family. My mom and dad were going to call my parole officer. And if I didn't, you know, go play the role for a little while, I was going to go back to prison, you know, and for for the next

6 1/2 years, I came in and out

and in and out of the program. You know, I went into Alcoholics Anonymous. But this 12 step program right here,

whatever title you put in front of it, that's, that's a design for living. It's not something I learned. It's not something that I intellectually do one time. It's not something that when I sit down and I do that, it's going to fix me. Because man, let me tell you all my thinking, like I told you from the time I was young, my perception of reality before I ever put drugs or alcohol in my body was screwed up, man,

You know? And what this did was it gave me an, it gave me an outline

of how to begin to process things in my head differently because my eyes and my heart are telling me one thing.

You know, my eyes and my heart are telling me one thing. My emotions are telling me something else. And this gives me a way to sit down and write that stuff out and process it and trust another human being and run it by that human being to find out how far off track I am. And then it's my choice. I don't have to take what they say as 100%, but what I can take it as a, as a different outlook on what's going on in my life, what's going on in my head.

So after 6 1/2 years of being out there ripping and running and you know, I just, you know, you, I've heard it, I've heard it said many times before. I just had enough, you know, I was living in a trap house in Port Salerno. You know, it, it was off Kingfish Ave. It was a just a nasty falling in the ground hole. And that's where my life had went. I went from this guy that, you know, was doing all these big things in the nightclubs and running things up and down,

getting in boats. And I went from that guy to the guy way down here living in a dope hole, selling crap out of my window at night just so I could get up in the morning.

You know, and I woke up one day and, you know, I know it was my higher power. I just had enough. And I was either going to kill myself that day or I was going to give this thing one more try. And I heard a guy talk about New Horizons. That's where I went. And I had been there already twice in that month. They knew me by name, you know, and they made me sit in the parking lot. They're like, you know, where we got a bed. And then they're like, Oh well, we had a bed, but we might not have.

And they wanted to see how bad I wanted to get in

and I left that parking lot that went an overdose,

you know, And when I come out of that, you know, and there's a difference. There's different overdoses. You can do overdose on cocaine and you can overdose on opiates. Well, I overdose on cocaine. And that is a very, very horrible experience. It's happened to me more than once. It's a very terrible experience because you do remember a lot of it, unlike the other, which I've overdosed on as well.

And when I came out of it, I called back to New Horizons in a panic and I just said please, I'm going to die. I told you guys earlier today, I'm going to die

and see, I wanted to die, but I was scared to live and I was scared to die, but I wanted to die, but I didn't want to live. I didn't know what the hell I wanted. I was just a complete total, a complete broken shell of a human being that knew no other way but then should just exist by numbing my existence out, numbing my existence out. Every day I numb my existence out, man. And I was just tired of it. And I went in there and I didn't think this thing was going to work. You know, I have been in and out a long time.

I ended up staying in there for 10 days. And this nurse kept telling me the same thing over and over. She says, Joe, you've been here at that time. You've left here and you've gone to church. You've left here and you've gone and seen your family. You've left here and you've gone and done this. And she went through the whole long list of things that I did when I came there and I detoxed and I left there and I went and did something other than what they told me to do. I never did what they told me to do. I always did something else because see Joe had all these great

is and until I ran out of ideas what I know now I didn't know this then until I ran out of ideas, I was going to keep playing the Lotto with my ideas. Oh, this ones going to work. Oh man, I'm going to throw another 20 bucks. This is going to work, you know, and I ran out of ideas that she kept telling me, Joe, you need to leave here and go directly to a meeting. Joe, you need every day for 10 days. Joe, you need to leave here and go directly to a meeting,

you know, and I got out of there and I had driven myself there, which was a miracle because I stayed, you know, that's that, that just getting there, you know, this all has to do. Not with me, guys. This has to do with a higher power that I didn't even think loved me, that I didn't think cared about me. Who was guiding me and directing me and keeping me safe and getting me where I needed to go and getting me back to a place where someone could guide me and help me straighten out my thinking

in the way that I saw things

And I can never, I'll never forget. You know, I was going over to Roosevelt Bridge. It was the old clubhouse, and I was leaving there. And, man, the thought came, yeah, don't just just listen. Look at you. I had scabs, guys. I had scabs all over me. I was a picker all over my face, all over my arms, on my stomach, my legs look like someone had taken a cigarette and burnt me everywhere. And the voice came back in my head. Oh man, just just

go get high one more time.

You can go to this meeting afterwards. Look at the way you look. What are people going to think of you? You know, and, and I'm telling you, I don't know if it was the first time in my life, but for the first time, I remember I did something opposite than what I wanted to do. I got to that light at the bottom of the bridge and I made a left

and I was coming from New Horizons. I made a left and I went to a a, you know, because that's only place I knew to go where this program was taught. I have been in and out right. I walked in there and I remember walking in and looking around and people had on they nice shoes. They were kind of dressed like Sean. They had a button down shirts and ties and man, I thought they had like Rolex watches on and alligator skin shoes. And I'm looking at these people going, man, I got burn holes all in my clothes,

scabs all over me. I'm like, oh man, these people didn't help me

and these people are talking about alcohol, man. I'm a I'm a burned out dope dealer hooked on his own shit.

These people can't. These people can't help me, man, You know, and that's those voices have been talking to me since I was a little kid. You know, those are those voices, man, that this program right here helps me keep in check as long as I'm willing to live it. And I remember sitting in there, man, and I couldn't tell you there was a speaker and everything back then sounded like

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, alcohol, blah, blah, blah, blah. You need to

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You need to. And by the way, you must and you will or you'll die, blah, blah, blah. You know, that's what it sounded like to me, right? I'm like, I'm sitting back there shaking, you know, like, oh God, I just want to get out of here, you know,

and I couldn't tell you what the guy said. I I just know everybody looked like rich people to me. And I was thinking about robbing them all, but it was probably a bad idea too, you know, at that point. So I sat back there and I remember the meaning ended, right. And I'm the type of guy, as you can see, I once I get going, I like to talk. You know, I'm pretty easy going. I'm a type A personality. I'll talk to anyone, but man, I'm sitting in the back and I do not want to talk.

Usually, man, for them, for them. Six years prior I went in there, man, I was they'll be like shut up, Joe. No, for really, he's back down and tell you shut up and shut up.

We've heard enough from you. Oh, I get offended. You know

my poor little feelings,

right? I see, I see some of y'all can relate to that.

Anyways, you know, I sat back there, I didn't want to say a word. You know, there was something in me. I just didn't want to talk. And I know that, that, you know, I've learned to identify those, those voices, the ones that that tell me the opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing and the ones that that, that just, you know, tell me I don't belong and all that stuff. And for whatever reason, and this again, guys, this is my higher power, the one that I didn't believe in, by the way, the one that I actually would say that I hated,

right? For various reasons, I don't have enough time to get into the entire story, but I'm going to give you guys whatever my higher power chooses to bring out. But I sat back there, man, and they got ready to say the prayer. You know, everybody gets up and holds hands and chants and all that stuff. And back then, that's what it seemed like to me. And they said something and I just shot my hand up in the air, man. My ears were burning. I never had an experience like that before. My ears were burning, I was sweating. I'm like, oh man, what part of detox was this? This is horrible, right?

And I'm like sweating. And I raise my hand.

I have no idea what's going to come out of my mouth, right? But it just came out. I just said my name is Joe. And you know, I just left detoxing. If somebody doesn't help me, I just started bawling, crying. I'm going to die. I'm going to leave here and die. And then I put my head down because I was so embarrassed because no offense, guys, but when we cry, it's ugly,

you know, like, oh God, people are going to see me. You know, I put my head

and one of the first things that happen is is, you know, there was AI got to say this. There was a guy that was always in a in the rooms, right, and he always had a different face and he would always say the same thing. I raised my hand and said I needed help and everybody surrounded me and I picked up one white chip and I've been sober ever since. I hated that guy. Oh man, he was at every meeting. You know, I'm like, oh, I hate this guy. I raised my hand and people don't even want to talk to me. I mean, probably because I

kite, but you know, you know, people are like, hey,

the other way, right? But something happened me and I put my head down and I was crying and I waited and I thought I seen all the feet leave the door, you know, there in the back, back by the old clubhouse there. And I'm watching the back door. I'm over at the last table and I'm watching, making sure everybody was gone before I lifted my head up, man.

And when I lifted my head up, there was probably, you know, maybe 8-10 guys standing around that table. And I said, hey, man, we got somewhere to be. I was like, no good. We weren't going to let you leave anyway.

Shit, you know. And then it started, you know, you got, I heard Sean talking about you got the bleeding deacons, you got the preachers, you got the teachers, and then you got the guys that live it. So then it started. Are you ready to be divorced from? I don't know, man. I just don't want to drink today, dude. I don't want to die. Oh, you got to give it all. You know,

I'm like, dude, I'm overwhelming. Then you got the guys telling that guy to shut up. You know it's going to be OK guy. And I'm like, huh? But you know what happened? That moment happened. I became that guy, right? I became that guy that people surrounded. And I needed that at that moment. And my higher power knew what I needed at that moment. And at that point, due to have been 10 years of me trying to come in and out of this thing, I still didn't know if it was going to work or not. I just knew that I had a lot of information in my head

and I know that I had put this thing together how I wanted to put it together for 10 years. I had worked the steps on my own. You know, I was my own sponsor. Or I would get a sponsor and tell him that I did what he told me to do and no way in hell I was going to do whatever it was that I didn't want to do. So I just did the parts of it that I wanted to do. And for me, that didn't work,

you know, and, but I decided, you know, I was going to do what that Lady told me to do. I was going to go to a meeting and I was going to go to as many as I could. And I didn't have a job and I was unemployable and I looked like shit

and I was scared to death.

I was scared to death that it wasn't going to work for me. And so, you know, I started coming every day to to that hall. You know, people had seen me coming around for years. So it wasn't like immediately everybody was going to be like, oh, hey, welcome guy. You know, I was the guy that kind of came in and took whatever he could and then left. So, you know, you kind of build a reputation. But see, nobody ever threw me out.

Nobody ever told me I couldn't come back. A matter of fact, I thought it was an insult. But people kept saying, hey, keep coming back.

What are you telling me that that's an insult? Dude, you're, you're talking to me like I'm a newcomer, man. I've been around 10 years. I know more than you do.

You know, whatever I

but I kept coming back and there was this guy, right? He came out here earlier. I just say his name is Jimmy. You know, he came out here earlier. He came to see me before I came in here and and spoke. And I thank God for that guy, man, because when that guy would talk to me, dude, I swear to God, it was like nails on a chalkboard. That guy would walk up and go, Hey, you got a sponsor yet? Yeah, man, I, I've got three. That's bullshit, man. You just, you got three because you manipulate people and you pick what you want to hear and Oh my God, dude, chill out man. Like

like I don't like the word sponsor. You know, I had all these great answers but like I'm coming to meetings, isn't it enough? And every day he'd walk up to me and go, you got a sponsor yet? And I'm like man, oh dude, this dude leave me alone bro. Right. Like I got 6 sponsors now. Isn't that enough? Right? Dude I've done 5 meetings today man.

I'm the poster child of A A leave me alone. And then he would keep coming back to me every day at the 4:00 meeting saying the same thing. Got a sponsor yet?

Well, something happened. You know, that's how my higher power has worked. My entire sobriety. Something happened. I had a truck. Whenever I buy miraculous, I still had something left. You know, my clothes all had cigarette burns in them, but I had something left. I had a truck, right? And about two weeks in, I go out to my truck one morning and of course I'm captain A A. So I'm driving around picking everybody up for meetings, doing like 5 meetings a day, right? Because like, I'm going to get this thing and I got 6 sponsors.

I've done 90 meetings in three days. You know,

I'm glad you guys get it, man. That's cool. So I go out and I get in my truck and I crank it and I got to put it in gear and it won't move.

I panicked, guys. I panicked because I really thought it was something that I was doing. I really thought it that if I missed a meeting that morning that I was going to get drunk and high. I thought I was going to somebody was going to come to my house looking for something and I was going to go with them and get it for him and get high. That's what I believed in my heart. I was terrified. So I call like I had this long list of guy numbers, right?

Start here. Hey, man. Yeah, I got to. Oh, you can't help me. OK

hey man, I gotta about the 6th person man. I started getting pissed off. I'm like teeth fuckers

and they are all talking about one to help me and here I am. I drive everybody to meetings man, and I'm stuck and I'm going to get hired and nobody will come and get me and I'm freaking out, right? I've literally guys, I'm panicking. I'm freaking out. So I called Jimmy,

the guy that I couldn't stand because of course he would answer the phone, right?

He's like, hey man, let me ask you something.

You can't make this shit up.

You can't make this shit up. He's like, hey, let me ask you something. I'm like, yeah, He's like, how do your knees feel? I'm like, oh man, it hurts so bad, bro. The methadone still detox.

My knees hurt Is a guy. Can you bend them guys? I go for a hook line of sinker. I'm like yeah, yeah I can bend it. He's a guy. Cool man. How your ankles I'm like oh man, they hurt too. They're swollen man Oh man that he's like all right man, but but you can move them like yeah. He said how about your feet? I was like oh man, my feet hurt dude. You all y'all know what's coming right? He said and put on some fucking shoes and walk and he hung up on me.

I throw my phone,

right? I throw my phone, break my phone. So now I don't have a phone. I'm mad as fucking hell, right? And I'm so mad that my dumb ass goes and puts on shoes and I start walking. I'm going to show him.

Yeah, yeah, you can't really right. So you can't make this shit up. So I'm walking right. I'm hot. I'm so mad and and my angers got me going for a while, right And then I get I'm like walking from Salerno guys, and I'm trying to go to downtown Stewart. I don't know how many all ever detox. That's a long freaking way to walk when you're,

you don't have anything in your system, man.

I got right there to Walmart, right And I sit down on the side of the road. Oh, by the way, I had a backup phone. So I back then you could take your SIM cards out and put it in and it was cracked and crappy, but it worked. So I, I switched phones and I get to Walmart and I sit down on the side of the road and I start crying like a baby. You know, I can't walk any further. It's too far to walk home. I'm stuck in the middle. It's too far to go back. It's too far to keep getting there. I'm legit, you know, just,

you know, I just forever victim man back then. And

I sat there crying and you know, God sent an Angel man and somebody picked me up and they took me to the meeting and I went in there and I sat in that meeting and I started

get me and I had to walk out. Of course I lied. I had to walk 9 miles to get here,

you know? I mean, but to me, that was the truth, right? And, and of course, at that meeting too. All right, that's enough out of you. Oh my God, let's get the fucking man.

Don't they realize who I am?

Destroy this place? So I go outside and I'm smoking a cigarette and this dude comes up to me. Now I don't know his name. He comes up. He's like, man, you don't realize that. I'm like, oh dude, this ain't the time, bro. You know what I mean? Like I this is not the time. He's like, you don't realize what you do. And I'm like,

what? He's like, dude, he's like, I've got two year sobriety, man. You were willing to walk 9 miles to stay sober today? It made me really question what am I willing to do to stay sober today? It didn't even sink in. I was so mad, right? I went down there to the dock because that's what the guy that I couldn't stand would tell me to do. Go sit by the water and, you know, stare at the water and look for the birds and find tranquility. Well, you know, I mean, all mine was chaos, dude. There was no fire. Tranquility.