Maggie G. from Gilbert, AZ speaking the Cocaine Anonymous Arizona Area convention in Scottsdale AZ

Hi, I'm Donna, and I get the pleasure, excuse me, of introducing Maggie. One of the really cool things about being around this program for long enough is you get to see the miracle

of what happens with people, you know? I watched this woman come in and she was just so sad. I don't think I saw her smile for like

six months, you know, and she was just this shell and just, but she was the most willing shell I've ever seen. You know, I would say, hey, I told her, I said I can't, I can't do anything working with you for a couple months, 'cause we're doing a workshop and I have to finish that. And, and so you're gonna have to be patient. And she said OK. And, you know, I've watched her get out of her comfort zone

and

start meeting

and reach out and do all the things that that we're supposed to do, you know, but she does it with such joy and,

you know, such integrity, you know, that it just blows me away.

She, you know, I've, I've even called her and said, hey, you know, I got to go pick up this dog and Tonipaw, you want to come with me? She's like, yeah, sure. And then we're almost there. And I'm like, I got to tell you, if it goes S, there's a gun under my seat and I need you to have my back.

That's probably, it's probably the only time I've ever seen her go

kind of gun. You know, I'm like, yeah, it doesn't matter. It'll shoot. And so, I mean, but that's the kind of person that Maggie is, you know, it's, it's like it's all good.

You know, when I've walked through a lot of difficult things with her and you know, she, she has the faith that walking through the difficult times, there's something on the other side. And, you know, I've watched her blossom into this

incredible woman, and I'm so proud of her.

Here's Maggie.

Great. Hi. All right, so

my name is Maggie, and I'm a grateful member of Conan.

Hey, so, so I guess I'm here to talk about what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like today.

So, and you know, I've thought about, I didn't think about this 2-3 months ago when And thank you, Terry for asking me to speak and thanks to everybody on this committee because I know I can only imagine how much work it is to put something like this together. So, and I'm grateful to be here. I thought about it, the planner that I am in my head and I played it through my head and none of it is in my head. So I have no idea what's going to come out of my mouth. So here I go.

So I remember the the first time I walked into the off the roller coaster

going on meeting Thursday nights at 2121. I love that number.

I I had gone to I had been to al Anon meetings for probably about a year before then and and I got relief while I was there and but when I I had relief for the the hour that I was there. But when I when I went to that meeting,

I was truly a show. I mean, I was.

I had gone through several relapses with my husband.

I I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help him. I was,

you know, my heart was breaking because I was hearing things like I didn't know what to do. I didn't know should I leave him? Should I stay? I had, you know, I'd been in meetings for for people said, you know, how they were divorced and other people's the other people that were abused and it just, it was so confusing and I just did not know what to do. And you know, I contemplated just driving off. It was many times that I

was driving my car and I contemplated just, you know, driving off,

you know, an embankment or I've said in the closet before with a gun. I didn't really want to die, but I just did not know how to keep going. I, I was at the end, I was completely and utterly powerless, demoralized. My life was a complete mess. My kids were more worried about losing me than their dad, I think. So that's what I was like when I came in

and the meeting there was a counselor at

Tempe Valley Hope who I had met through some family meetings that I'd attended. And she suggested I go to this meeting and, and he was a lifesaver for me. And I know we say that. I mean, I've heard people say in the other program as well as ours that this program saved our our lives. And he truly did it really did. I So I walked in so

and my life started to change. You know, I, I,

you know, the, the, the first meeting,

there was a lady that came up to me and said, Hey, we meet, we meet for soup before or after. I think at that time it was after the meeting, maybe before, I don't remember. And she, you know, she nudged me to come to this. This is how I was first introduced into reaching out and actually having this meeting before the meeting. Now you have to understand that, you know, I was a very private person. You know, I didn't

share what was going on inside my house with any of you.

I was good at keeping secrets. I was raised that way that you kept your dirty laundry in the hamper and, and that people will judge you and they, you know, if they know these things about you. So I kept secrets and, you know, things looked a lot different on the outside. So that was my first introduction and somebody pulling me in. And it was difficult for me to to to do that, but I did because I just didn't know what else to do.

I met my sponsor

this meeting and I remember seeing her and, and, and I did wait for her because I, you know, I, I went to a couple of meetings and I saw something and I heard something that I wanted, you know, I, I didn't hear,

you know, do this or do that or, you know, leave him or stay or, you know, any of that. I just heard recovery. I heard he, I, I felt the healing in that room and I really wanted what she had. And so I reached out and I, and I waited and it wasn't two months. I think it was two weeks. I don't think you you we waited that long, but

So what what I was like and what it was like. I was married very young, 19. My husband was 20, so

we kind of grew up together. So in the early parts of our marriage, we partied together. We had a lot of fun together and things were good. You know, we were, we were married five years or so before we had our children. And, you know, things were good. You know, there was, you know, there was times where, you know, the, this disease was already present there, but I just didn't see it at that. You know, we had a good time. It wasn't. It really was not

a problem. You know,

I actually, I think enjoyed when he would get drunk because he's kind of a quiet guy and when he drinks, he's fun in the life of the party. He talks more. He, he, he, you know, he's, he's fun and he's a he's a nice drunk. He's not, doesn't get mean. He actually is very, very pleasant. So, you know, I mean, my first experience is back then when we were young is that, you know, we would go to places together and I would be ready to go home, let's say at 12, and he would not,

right. And then I would like walk home and he would stay. And then, you know, he may or may not come home

an hour or two later. He may spend the night there. I really didn't know. And so this those moments were already there, but and I didn't like them. And we had fights over that. But I was so emotionally mature back then. You know, we really didn't talk about that. We would just argue. There'd be Christmas trees flying and and holes in the wall and, you know, and we'd fight and we'd break up. And so, you know, you know, we,

we started having our children and, and, and you know, when the the first time this disease really, really reared its ugly head to a point where I knew that something was not right is when I was pregnant with our second daughter.

And he was,

he had started, you know, do. And I didn't really know anything about drugs. You have to understand that, you know, that I didn't, I'd never seen alcoholism. I never seen drug addiction growing up. To me, an alcoholic was, you know, the old guy with a brown paper bag on a park bench and the drug addict was this guy behind a dumpster. So, you know, what was in my house did not look or feel like alcoholism. You know, I was a young guy that just would kind of push it over the edge occasionally

and a young wife who tried to manipulate and control that in some way, which, you know, that's where wives do, don't we? I mean, we, we try to keep it together. We try to make sure, you know, everything is taken care of. And so, but you know, in our, in our, you know, late 20s is when it it, when it really became evident there was something wrong. He was, he started doing, I think crystal meth, I don't know. And he was some form of cocaine and, and he would be gone for days on end. I remember I was

pregnant and I gave birth to our second daughter and, and, and I look back at that and it was a you know, that is when I discovered that's it. That is when I first

felt that obsession over any anxiety over over him. Like, you know, I could not. I mean, I had a newborn daughter at home and my mind was completely obsessed of when he was coming home. He would be gone. He's he's one of those dashers. He doesn't stick around the house and use. He would leave for days on end.

And so I had a, you know, a two week old baby or a month old baby. And I was like, you know, I would be up all night. I would put her in the stroller and have my 2 year old and I would walk around looking for him, not knowing. I mean, I don't know, I guess I forgot. I guess I thought I'd maybe forget where we live

because I had to go looking for him, you know, he forgot where we live. So I don't know, but that's what I did, you know, And, and, and I didn't tell anybody, you know, my family lives overseas, so they weren't around to, to see this. I didn't tell anybody. I did not have any friends to speak of. They were all very superficial. This was not something that I could talk to about, you know, to anybody. So and

he he would come home days later and I remember him

begging me to tell him. I remember one time he came home and he was just crying and he had picked some stuff out of a dumpster and I brought it home as a, you know, things that he had found right gifts, right? I remember it was like a he man

a he man Toy said like, yeah, you know, with, with toy dolls and and you brought it home and and and I remember him crying and saying, just tell me you'll leave me. You know, just tell me that you will leave me so I can. I don't want to do this

right. You know, I just thought of this right now. I mean, it kind of had slipped my mind. So

the unmanageability was already there. And I remember, you know, when he was home, I and he would say these things to me. I just so much believed him. You know, I knew that it would not happen again. There's no way. I mean, we had, you know, we have such a deep love for each other and and I knew that that he loved me and and so even just was confusing that that he would choose

to leave and do this then to stay home with, you know, with his newborn child and a 2 year old, a toddler at home.

So he found recovery on his own, not through this program. I did not know about Eleanor. I didn't know about a I didn't see a nothing. I didn't know anything. He bare knuckled,

He did bare knuckled sobriety. He stopped using the hard drugs he was using then and for the next 15 years or so, I think that he was medicating himself in other ways. But as we were raising our children, there was years of or he did not drink. So he was on a

health kick. So everything in our house had to be organic, and we could only shop at Whole Foods. But that was his, you know, I remember thinking, like, what the hell is wrong with him? You know, why can't we just, like, do a mixture? Why does it all have to be all or nothing? But I know now that there's just part of his that's just part of his disease, you know, So there was times where he'd be at a gym every day. He, you know, we only had organic foods in the house. We couldn't buy anything, you know, processed.

Remember times like that in our lives

and you know, there was signs that there was something wrong. I mean, I remember one time he went to a ball game with some work friends and,

and everybody went home and but he never made it home. And so I called around to see, you know what, who saw him last and you know, and so this is before cellphones. And so I didn't know where he was. And he was, I think he had gone to a strip club. He had gotten so drunk at the ball game that that's where he ended up. And he was in a block out. And

I think that is the first time that I noticed

my part of the disease that I had

left my kids at home and I went driving around for him. This was I think the first time that I actually left them to go looking for him. And you know, in the in the reading, the beginning of this meeting, we talked about obsession, anxiety, anger, denial and guilt. And that is my disease. That is

my part of this disease. And I remember the obsession that I had. I had the obsession before,

but I didn't act on it. I was still kind of a little bit sane in the very beginning. But I remember during that time, yeah, I left my kids at home. I got in my car and I'm driving to strip clubs because I don't know how I knew that it was. Maybe somebody told me. I don't know. And I remember hanging around in the parking lot at 3:00 in the morning, just just waiting, 'cause I didn't dare to go in now. I would go in, but then I didn't dare to go in and

until he came out and I watched and I didn't, you know, and I watched him,

you know, I hid and I watched him get in his car. He was wasted and he drove home and I followed him to make sure he was OK,

right. So, you know, this is what I was like and this is what I had become my, my God-given

tools that I've been given to,

to stay healthy had morphed themselves into something just completely weird. It was like a Teenage Ninja Mutant thing kind of thing that happened. I, you know, I was a person at home that if I said we were going to have an event at our house, my kids would be hiding in their rooms. I was such a control freak that that

if things were not a certain way, I just could not handle it. You know, if, if,

if things had to look a certain way, I was a perfectionist. I was yelling at them all the time. I mean, you know, I mean, I don't know who was sicker. You know, he, he might be gone, but I was at home with them. And I think that they would rather be with him than with me because I was so, you know, I was just crazy, you know, I did not know where I ended and he began. I remember that,

you know, I wanted things to be a certain way, like like if I if I had like an hors d'oeuvre tray somewhere I needed to have a certain plate and by God,

they would find a tray that I needed.

And,

and, you know, with my kids growing up, I,

I was hard on them about things like that. I think that a lot of that perfectionism that I struggled with is it was just my, I think it was my way of trying to just to keep it all together and deal with it. That if somehow, if things were a certain way or if I, if, if I did things a certain way, that, that I could manage this. I really don't know, you know, I don't know why I did what I did, but, but that's how it was in my house. And I know that I,

I know my kids were, and I had a lot of anxiety over this.

So

about five years ago now, mind you, my husband is what I would call a, you know, a functioning alcoholic, functioning drug user. There was no jail. There was no DUI. And it's not because he didn't drive drunk or he didn't do things that he shouldn't have done. It's just that, you know, it just isn't part of our story. It's not part of my story,

but about 5. And but you know, we we were making a good income. You know, he was professional. He had gone to school,

I was working, we were doing good. You know, on the outside everything was lovely,

but on the inside, you know, there was a lot of unresolved issues from when we were younger. They kind of just carried themselves through. There was absolutely, I had no idea what was going on inside of me because you have to understand that here we are 20 years later, 30 years later, and

I had completely lost myself in this.

You know, I couldn't tell you what I liked, what I didn't like.

I, I was a shell of a person, you know, I, I didn't really know. My focus was make, you know, trying to manage you. I remember that like having my kids do what I needed to, what I wanted them to do, having them be a certain way, having him do what I needed him to do. As long as we were financially okay, I really didn't want to hear anything else. I didn't pay attention to our finances. As long as we had, you know, I had money to spend. I was good to go. And that's where I kind of was,

you know, I,

I don't know, you know, I'm going to talk about this. You know, I had a third pregnancy while we were married and you know, I couldn't go through with this pregnancy because of the,

the pain

that I had been through. Sorry, this first time I'm kind of sharing this, but I'm sharing it not because I want you to feel sorry for me, but I'm sharing it because, you know, I still am working through this today. You know, I, I, I made, I made this choice because.

Unbeknownst to me, this disease

had

had robbed me of any security that I had, of any hope that I had that I just could not see myself bringing another kid into this world after just kind of going through this alone before. So, you know, I still live with that guilt today and I still, I'm working through that today. But you know, it's, it's just part of my story. SO556 years ago, you know,

this disease kind of came up furious. I mean, it's is the drug use progressed from probably, you know, maintenance. I don't know, you know, I'm not here to tell his story, but it just the shit hit the fan. I mean, that's what happened.

He, he, you know, blackout, he left the house one day. And this is, you know, he's working. He's an executive with a company. So this is not something where you just disappear. Nobody notices. So I am doing what our book tells. I was calling in for him. I was telling lies. I was covering up. I was embarrassed. We're working for the same company. So people knew me. It wasn't like I could hide from this.

I didn't know where he was. He left, He said, you know, I want a divorce. I don't want to be with you anymore.

And I'm just like, I, I don't even, I mean, I'm just it was like a kick in the stomach. At least it felt like that. Like what? Where did this come from? Right. Even though this has been, this had been, we were heading to that all along, but I just did not see it. I was so much in denial, but what was really going on around me that I didn't see it. So

he, he was out and he was out for a couple of weeks or so. He came back and he he was ready to go to, to rehab. This is our first experience, my first experience with rehab and I was introduced.

I could take that back. This is before we have I remember Googling my husband is doing math or

I didn't even know al Anon my I don't know where my husband is and I think he's doing drugs that kind of stuff. So,

so El Anon pops up. That's what pops up. We're living in Tucson at the time. So I go to an Al Anon meeting and I go in there and I knew I was in the right place. You know, I did, I, I sat in there. I didn't know shit from shit about recovery. I just knew that if I said it, if I, when I said in there for that hour that I had some relief, I could somewhat relate to it. It was weird, you know, and there was some secret handshake going on. I don't know it, it was just strange,

but there was something in there that

I connected with and, and so I just came, I kept going back. So I didn't know what else to do. You know, he would, I didn't know where he was. My kids were grown at this point. But I remember and, and one of the meetings was a newcomers meeting. I went up to this guy afterwards. It was the first time I ever went up and, and, and I told him I didn't know where he was and, and he said, you know, God's got him.

What the hell is wrong with you? What do you mean God's got him? You know, that's what I thought. And I'm like, OK dude. So, so I remember that though. I remember and I have a, I don't know his name. I don't know what this man looked like. But even though in my head I just could not fathom a God having him, but I so remember that moment and I think he did give me some peace, even though the skeptic and the crazy person in my mind just couldn't connect the dots at that point. But that's what he said.

Remember that to this day and I,

I, we had GPS and we had, we had phones that had GPS at that time. So I was able to kind of keep, keep tabs on him because I could ping his phone. So I would kind of knew that he was still in the vicinity.

Uh, it was, it wasn't pretty. So you kind of get the picture, you know, my, my, you know, I have no idea how I was able to maintain my job, but I did. I didn't, you know, because really even while I was working, I really was completely, you know, obsessed about him. I worried constantly. He was not working.

And so I had this constant anxiety of what? What am I going to do? You know, you know what, this paycheck is not going to come in. You know, so it was during the holiday season. So somehow, I don't know, he's got this luck

where he seems to always work it out to where somehow we can manage financially. We were able. It wasn't him. I know that now, but it somehow,

you know, he didn't lose his job right away. He went to rehab, he went to Chandler Valley Hope and that was his and my first experience with recovery and I love recovery. We would play ping pong every day and I would go visit him

and I could sleep for the first time because I knew where he was. And even though there was number, I mean, he could leave. But I just I remember having peace and I think my kids were just so glad that he was there. Just not because the handbag because of me, because I can tell you that, that I, I'm sure drove them crazy.

I I mean, I couldn't, you know, I couldn't do anything except for obsess over what he was doing. So rehab was wonderful for me. It was wonderful.

He, we, I see pictures of him of us that are on Facebook sometimes during that time. And, and it was, it was, it was true happiness, you know, and you know, I know they talk about the pink cloud and, but whatever it was, it was really good. It was good and and it was my first

introduction to recovery and and true recovery. I was going to meetings before then and through this, through the process of him relapsing and going back in and relapsing and going back in because that is my story,

I got tighter and tighter and tighter into this program. I remember the every call that I made to my sponsor when I had a sponsor to say he's out again and this fellowship that just embraced me

that would get up and go to his hospital to 12 step him. I remember he was in the county. I don't know where he was because he's been he's visited all the establishments in the city. I remember he was, I think he was at the county. I don't know. And and I visited him and I'd left to get some to eat and I came back up and I could hear voices in his room. So I didn't step in, but I could see and there was two people in the room and there was a curtain. So he didn't have his private room. And I look and there was Terry M and Tommy and

a couple other people and they were talking to him. I didn't know a new tariff. I didn't know the other men there. And they were speaking to him. And it was such a relief to know I wasn't alone in this.

It was, I've never experienced that. I'm a type of person that is like, you don't need to know my shit, you know, because you just don't need to know it. And I, I, I don't think I've admitted to this, but I eavesdropped to this. Sorry,

I did. I don't really know what they were saying but I could hear the mumbling and I just was so grateful. I was grateful for myself because I felt I felt a piece. I don't know what he was feeling, but I felt

just the love and the peace and it took me to reach out to somebody. I did not know how to reach out to people when I came here.

I just didn't know how to do that.

So, and

you know, so I've witnessed that, you know, you know, I was, I started the steps during that time. I knew that talk about catch the buzz. That's when I caught my buzz is when I started working the, the steps because around that time I, you know, my timeline may be off, but it's just really all a big blur and it, and I don't care. It's just, it's, you know, five years, whatever. So it all happened around that time. I, I started working the steps and

even though, and, and as I was working the steps,

it helped me to deal with situations that were coming along. Like, I remember, you know, I had no boundaries. I didn't know how to detach. I, I did not know how to live a life and have fun unless he was OK. Now, I would have never admitted that I was codependent or that I was like that, but I was, you know, on the outward, I was professional. You know, I'm, you know, I'm outspoken. I take it I can take care of myself, but at the inside, at these

core level, I am not OK unless you're OK. And I mentioned earlier, you know, I'd lost myself in all this. I didn't really, I mean, I didn't know what to do with myself if I didn't have to worry about him. I think that it also was part of my, you know, the guilt that I had about it, the obsession that I had it, it brought me some sort of

it. It was a solution for me to take care of him. I remember whenever he would come back after a relapse, I felt good.

So I think it was somewhat of a solution for me to have that,

that taking care that that thrill of I don't know what it was, but but you know, I created a lot of this myself because I wouldn't just go and spend time with my kids. I remember one time my oldest, you know, I would, she was, she was living with us at the time. And you know, I was in front of the computer. This was when I was

I'm trying to find to see where he is now. Mind you, this man knows where we live and he knows my number, but I'm, I'm, I'm on the Verizon GPS side and I am located him,

you know where he is, you know, 44th St. in Van Buren, you know, all the great parts of town. And, and I'm just following him and, and she tells me, she says, mom, let's, let's go do something. And I look at her and I'm like, I don't understand, you know, you know, he's my husband and this is what I need to do. And she just, you know, she looked at me and you know,

you know, she knew that this was not right. She knew that I was in an unhealthy place and I could not see it.

I could not see it.

Pretty batshit crazy, as my sponsor likes to say. So that's where I was. So I was working the steps,

I, I fell in love with this program. I, I started telling the truth. You know, I'm a great secret keeper and as we say in this fellowship that we are sick as our secrets or maybe in all the, the 12 step fellowships. But I was a good secret keeper and opening up and telling the truth was tough for me. And I, I started to do that.

I started working the steps. I, you know, work in this program allowed me to learn about things like detachment and boundaries. You know, for me, detachment was, you know, amputation. So either either I would just enable you or I will never talk to you again. That was my form of detachment. I did not know how to just love you and accept you for who you are. I didn't know how to do that. It was ridiculous to me that I should accept

that you go spend all our money and you do that. You do drugs or you do. I just, I couldn't fathom that. So either

you were a piece of shit or I'm going to just hold you down and justice help the shit out of you until you change your ways. I mean, that was kind of my thing. I didn't know.

I didn't know how to just love you. And I learned that here. I learned about love and tolerance and acceptance. So

I was not great. I did not attach gracefully. I sucked at it. You know, I remember the first time that I had that, you know that

that feeling of success in this program, if you can have that. I knew that he had He was releasing himself from a detox where he was and he was not going to a sober living. I talked to him on the phone

and he was saying, I'm coming home and I'm like, I don't want you to come home because I was learning about South. Yet he'd always come home and I just wasn't healthy. You know, I just him living at home. It just it was driving me crazy. I could he was not a good place for me. So it wasn't that I was trying to punish him, but I had learned, which before that's what my intentions would be like, you know, let me manipulate you into seeing if maybe you would like go to rehab by just saying you can't come home. What are you going to do with that? Right? So but I didn't I was in a good place.

I he was he called. He says I'm coming home. Oh, can you come and get me? I said I'm not going to come and get you. I said, you know, I

'm not good. I'm not in a good place, you know, I need you to go to to a sober living facility. I said you need to call your sponsor, you need to call your people. And I'll call my people. And I did. I called my people and I said, I don't know what to do. I think he's going to come home. And she said to me, just repeat the same thing over and over again. I love you. But no, he was something like that, you know, and

I'm like, OK, you know, this is the other thing. This is a pretty simple, you know, I mean, the words that I learned in this program are simple. I didn't have to learn pages of stuff. They're like, no bummer. You know, you'll figure it out. I love you, you know, so very simple. One letter where it's wonderful. So

I could do that, you know, I'm still learning, but I could do that. So I'm like, OK, so she, you know, talked me down. I was calming off. So he, he showed up at the door, he took a cab and he showed up at the door.

No. And I and I, he came to the garage because I left the garage door open and I opened the door and here he was. And here's this man that I love dearly and I look at him and at the time I didn't realize that what that look was, but I know now that he was very scared. I didn't know. I know now I used to think that was arrogance in his eyes. And now I know that it was fear because he's told me. Because we, we talk about that today and we're able to share these moments today as we heal our marriage and

as we're both in recovery.

So I opened the door and I said, you can't come in now. I didn't know whether he would, you know, you know, and like I said, he's always been a nice guy. So I wasn't scared for myself. I just didn't know whether he would force himself in. And I said, you can't come in. And he goes, this is my house too. I said, I know. But if you, if you want us to get better, you cannot come in because I'm not OK with you being here. I'm, it's not about you. It's about me. Because that's what I learned to put the focus on myself.

And that was the truth. I was not OK

as much as my codependent, obsessive, anxiety ridden person want to say yes, let me come and save you, you know, come in, let me run you a bath or whatever. I, I didn't do that. I, I knew that it was not good for me. And he, he didn't come in. He turned around and he left and he got into his truck and he left and I watched his eyes and he went and he found a place to live in a halfway halfway house or in a sober living facility.

That was my first experience with attachment.

Never in a million years that I've done that before. So, you know,

another thing that happened is I, I started,

you know, being of service, you know, I started to, you know, I was, I think I had done my third or I think I was in my third or fourth step. And somebody in my group reached out to me and asked me if I would sponsor her. And I'm like, Nope, that's my first. Nope. So then I spoke to my sponsor. I'm like somebody asked me to sponsor them. I told him I'm only on my third step. And she said, So what, you know,

she was your three steps ahead of her. And so that was my introduction, my little nudge that that that it was time for me to give back. And and it was scary. It was scary to

to be vulnerable like that because to me, you know, I can talk the talk, but to sit down one-on-one with a person and

and, you know, share with them and walk them through the steps was a scary thing for me. Because you have to understand that, you know, I'm a perfectionist. You know, I, I want to do things, you know, perfectly because I'm afraid how you going to think of me if I don't like if you know, and that's a whole another story. But you know, this is where my,

my heart's taking me today. But it so I was, you know, for me, the perfection is that I, that I am. It was scared for me to do something that, you know, I wasn't, you know, it was new to me. But you know, in this process, in the, in the first, second and third step, somewhere in this process, I somehow connected with this higher power that we all talk about. And I've, you know, I've never been a religious person.

I've I think I've always felt that there was something bigger than me, but I did not know how to communicate

or have a relationship with this higher power. And I happen to call my higher power God, but I,

you know, my sponsor was gentle with me. And as I was what it was going through the steps, I, I gently started to build this relationship and I gently started to trust that that that I would be OK, that things would be OK

and that I was loved just the way I was with all my edges and all, you know, and all my chatter, mouth and all those things. Not only was I loved, you know, by all of you, but by this higher power. And I know that God isn't all of you. So there we go.

Umm and umm. I I didn't have to be perfect. And that you knew. You knew more about me than my parents did. You knew more about me than my husband probably did. And you didn't judge me.

You would laugh with me. We would laugh about things that no normal person would laugh at.

You know, it's wonderful. I remember laugh. I mean, I did. I was kind of like I would read the I still cry when we read the honest look at ourselves to this day now, not because I now because I'm joyful about it, because I remember where I was at, but I remember the first 6-7 months I couldn't read that without sobbing. And I think that's why you guys gave it to me every time it seemed like that

it,

it's just, it's just been a wonderful ride, just a wonderful, wonderful ride. I where am I today? Okay, so,

umm, you know, I, I worked on myself, you know, I didn't go into, I did not go into Conan to find myself to work on myself, but I want you to know that when I came into this room, my whole world was Gray. All the color had just been sucked out of it. There was no color. And I knew that I used to be colorful. I know that I'm a colorful person, but there was no color. It was all. It wasn't even black and white and I love black and white, but there was nothing. It was just grey.

I, you know, I was fearful about making the wrong move. I was fearful about being, you know, joyous in case the other shoe would drop. Even this is in recovery too. I mean, I, I was really scared, You know, we, you know, I, we had to start relearning to, to, you know, to trust each other. And but my my world is pretty Gray.

And, and I was able to start bringing out the crayons and start coloring things in a little bit.

And that's pretty awesome, you know,

And it's, you know, I did not go into this meeting to take the covers of anything. I wanted to just, you know, keep it hidden. And then that's what it let me do. I took the covers off. I took the crayon box out and I started to work on myself. I don't know how it works. No idea. I just know it works. I was talking to my sponsor