The Co-Anon Meeting at the Cocaine Anonymous world convention in Las Vegas, NV

Oh

hi, my name is Sandra and I'm a member of Corner.

Never ever have I been this nervous. I think this is insane.

Some

this is the first time I'm doing it as Sharon at a Corona meeting and

I found Cohen on I think the first time I heard about Conan wasn't Donna wasn't in Sweden

and

and I found Cohen on through California and

I got sober

I think 3 1/2 years ago.

And it's so funny when I came into

when I got clean and sober I heard everyone talking about

they all said when I get into recovery I thought that I had had the worst childhood ever. But when I sobered up I realized my my childhood wasn't that bad. And for me it was the total opposite. I came into recovery where they believes that I have had a kick ass childhood. My family is incredible, everything is just wonderful. And the more sober I got, the more weird my childhood God.

And I could you see people and

I did everything that I was told to do, but I never,

I didn't feel like I was whole inside. I still had a little piece missing and I never understood what it was.

And then I,

I think it was last summer, I got a Conan sponsor and I worked at 12 steps of Conan. And I thought that that was just a little missing piece, whatever. But I think that was probably

a large piece to fill in my soul

and

and I'm thinking about when I am

I grew up and this is so weird. Like I grew up with a dad. My mom and my dad got a divorce when I was

1 1/2 or something

and

so I told everyone at always that then my dad is the greatest dad ever until this day. I have a hard time sharing about him because I feel so much shame when I say that my father is sick

and I don't like to talk bad about other people because he feels like that. I know that it's not,

I know that it that he is not me, but I feel ashamed about myself also because I have a dad. I just think that that will reflect poorly upon me.

So I'll just say that he's awesome so that I look awesome too.

And for me, like when I when I grew up like this, this one side of my dad, that he's the most loving, caring, most beautiful, funny person I've met in my entire life, but he's also the most selfish. He's so mean and he's so sick.

So it's I wish that he was would be like one, one or the other that he was be like

the most awful person I've never ever met. But he's not.

He's been my best friend. He's been through my he's been by my side like forever.

And

like, so when I, when I grow up, I know that I loved him. My dad was drunk. He was

he was always happy and we always had friends over and I loved to went down to go down to the pub and hang out. I always loved drunk people because I think they're funny and I get to do stuff that I didn't get to do when they were sober, like play dart when I was seven. And there was like goose. And I'm not like, it's just we're making the pizza just in the middle of the night, like at the pizza. What? It's just I loved it. And it's The funny thing is that I have a sister. She's 1 1/2 years older than me. And I think that's probably like when it comes

to addiction that she's not an alcoholic or notic than I am and she hated it. So I think that's a little bit of both because she don't like drunk people. She never she doesn't drink today. And I just love the environment. It's so like,

yeah, but

when

for me, I've always, I've always had the feeling that I need to take care of my dad.

I remember I was, I think it was 12 or something

when I really felt I want to move to my mom and live with her. And

so I told my mom that I wanted to move in with moving with her and I told my dad and my dad he got so sad

that I was going to leave him or whatever. So I decided to stay for him even though I kind of knew that it was best for me to go with my mom. It was a much safer place to be, but I didn't want to make him sad so I stayed

and just

so. And I never remember my umm

my dad, he was always he could

either we had a lot of fun either he just yelled at me for no reason. I never understood why

and if I was 5 minute late when I got home, I didn't know that if if it was OK that I was 5 minutes late or if you were going to yell at me till I start to cry almost.

And

so I think all all of that just made me I've never since I always took his feelings in like the first first room and on my own. That's how I started living life as an adult when I started. I remember my first boyfriend, I think like he could do whatever and I didn't really care whatever he said he's online on the sex dating side. I would get mad. I'm not this kind of

quiet. I will get furious, but I will never leave you.

That's how you can do whatever you want to do and I will bitch about it. I would trust the apartment, but I will never leave.

SO

and I think

where I really started when I realized that I really needed to do something about this was when I was sober. And my dad, he just get him like every other addict. Like it only gets worse and he only gets sicker. And I could find myself

being like two years sober living this spiritual life, walking with God or whatever. And when I talk to my dad, I went insane. Like if, if I said if my sponsors would see me Now no one wants what I have because I'm insane. I'm just you're a fucking idiot. I hate you. And he just screams back and we just screaming at each other

and whatever. I, I was like, I'm and I just told myself, I'm not going to get mad. I'm not going to get mad. I'm not going to get hurt. I'm not going to care about what it says

and it tears me down every time.

So my my dad is just he, he kept getting worse and he's sending me this, this. I don't know, he wrote. Right now. I haven't talked to my dad for like 1 1/2 year. I'm not ignoring that he exists, but I don't have the tools to deal with him.

He's in he's in an entire different world. He writes me letters about like this conspiracy theory that history repeats itself 10 years later and I'm like this person 10 years. It's just like what? Like what are you talking about?

So so I stopped talking to him. I said I can't do this anymore. I need to figure stuff out. And at the same time, I, I got into this new relationship with this guy that I thought was the love of my life.

And it's, I remember when I was with this,

my, my latest relationship,

we broke up like this this Christmas. And

so as I get together with him, this stuff with my dad happens. I start working the steps in Cohen on and I tell my sponsor in Cohen. And I was like, I only have and I told it like, I'm only scared of one thing. And she was like, what is that? And I was like that when I do this, I'm going to realize that I'm together with the wrong boyfriend. And she just looks at me and says, well, it must be horrible to know what you want out of life. I was like Oh that's a good idea,

never thought about it like that.

So I work the steps and I realized this guy is not for me.

It's so it's so funny when so like. So I shared about this a lot when I broke up with him, like this guy, he was,

he wasn't, he wasn't a bad person. He was just very like it was all about him. And I remember when we broke up, I just started, I just started laughing. Why are you laughing? Like because we're and I was like, this is insane. We're both in love with you. I was like, that's a big issue.

And it was just like, even when we,

I broke up, I could find myself like a week after like thinking that, Oh my God, did I just broke up, broke up with the love of my life. And when I but if I look like, and that's just the like the part of me that don't want to be hurt, that don't want to be alone. They just want people to love me.

But if I look at the relationship like he he didn't want to live with me. He didn't want to travel, he didn't want to spend too much time, he didn't want to talk on the phone. He didn't he didn't want to do anything with me. And I think that I just dumped the love of my life

like the greatest guy ever. And that's just not reality.

So when I started doing the steps I need to write this down and my sponsor said

to me when it comes to my just my dad and stuff that what you said yesterday. But I didn't cost it and I can't control it and I can't cure it

and I was blown away.

One part of me gets kind of sad because I just want to fix him. I just want to hold his hat and say that it will be OK. But I know from working the steps that I have.

But I can't. I can't help him whatsoever

that he has to help himself

and

never kind of lost my whatever. How long am I sharing from anyway? About 50 minutes, 45, whatever you want.

Just need to get back in

time.

So when I, when I started working

my first step, that was kind of a,

I think a relief for me,

but also kind of sad though,

because he made me, made me understand that

because my, my daddy can be really, he could be, he can be so mean. And it's

before it just went straight to my heart and I felt like the baddest daughter ever, like a really bad person. And he said that I'm selfish. I'm so mean, like, and I know that I'm not a selfish person. I'm not and I'm not a mean person.

Like when it comes from my dad saying all of that. It has to be true. Like it, it feels whether I want it to feel or not.

And when it says that, like that I didn't cost it. I it's not my fault that he's in the state of mind, his sin. It's not my fault that he feels bad.

And I think now like a year later or something that kind of that's a little bit like further in my heart, I think

because when I, when I heard, when I heard this, I I heard what my sponsor was saying and it made sense, but it took me a while to really feel it in my heart.

And that's,

and I need to put that in

into a lot of relationships that I have in my life.

So when I, we just talked about all of that and umm,

and the relationship that I was in and all of that. And if I

if I just look at my like my previous room, like my last relationship,

that relationship drove me to insanity. Sometimes

I think one time when I don't think we had a fight or something, but it was just like I got so I was spiritually dead inside and I felt like so emptied. I just started to throw stuff in my apartment. I took like my night table nights, then just threw in the wall and he was like, what the fuck are you doing? I was like you driving the same. And I thought that that was his fault, that I was doing that.

But what I've learned from from doing this is that I'm the one

who's in that relationship. I'm the one that stays with him

and I, I can't,

I don't accept him for what he is. It's just I want to. Everything should be this way and everyone should act this way and we should get along so much better. If you just called me more, if you wanted to live with me, if you wanted to do all this, then we would be fine. Like now that means I better find another boyfriend. That's, that's, that's the easy part. And

so when I look back with like with, and this has been

with like a lot of relationships that I've had, umm,

so I just

for me, if I looked at my life and the relationship that I was in,

like my, my, the best abilities that I had

made me go insane when it came to my father, a relationship that I had with friends, with my boyfriend, everything just, I, I didn't know what to do and I didn't have the tools to do anything. So when

for me

to find to find God in all of this,

it's

that was kind of a miracle. And I and I thought since I've done the steps before

this, this shouldn't be an issue, but it is. It seems like a big issue and it's never and I never thought that I was leaving

that I kept so much to myself that I didn't want to hand over hand over to God because I thought that that I had this God thing under control,

which I which I didn't.

And

I think the 2nd and the 3rd step was,

I don't know,

probably quite easy. I think maybe because I've done him before, I don't really know. But it just, it's just made sense since I had such

an,

I don't know, such an enormous change in another area. I didn't have a hard time doing my second and my third step,

but then what came to to the the 4th step

and that

that was kind of a big deal for me. I think

I've had

when I did my my like my resentment list

and this is how much

I

I never ever tell anyone if someone does anything bad towards me.

So I had this one friend where a group of friends and I had this one friend. He, he slapped me in the face one time because I was sad or whatever.

And I didn't want to tell anyone because first of all, I didn't want to make him look bad. I didn't want to make people fight or two sides. And I also think, as I always do, that that will reflect poorly on me. What did I do to making staff in the face?

And just like it's my own fault that I was in that situation. It is just these different things. And then like when I look, when I do my resentment, this is like, why didn't would I? I didn't tell him like that's not OK. I didn't tell anyone of my friends. People like why are we not hanging out together? I was like,

I don't know, like he's kind, I don't know, like it was just weird. I just disconnected from from that group of people because someone did something towards me and I thought that that was my thing to carry or whatever.

And, and just just going through a lot of

them, almost every relationship that I have have been in with friends or family or boyfriends.

First of all, I'm super dishonest.

Like I don't lie about like regular, like normal. Like

I'm not a liar. I'm a bad liar. I don't have a poker face or whatsoever. But when it comes, I'm so dishonest when it comes to my needs,

how I feel.

I think friends or like anyone can do whatever and I will say it's OK

because I don't want people to be mad at me.

And,

and I think that's that's from my dad. And I always say like there's some

I can have her sentiment towards my dad and like the way I was brought up or whatever. And I don't have a part of my like upbringing or whatever. I don't have a part in like bad like badting skills or whatever. But what I do know like my part is like how, how do I let that affect me today?

Because even though I don't want to be my like my dad, sometimes I have a hard time. This is what I'm working on now. If someone, someone hurts me

and I'm gonna and I'm gonna try to tell like what you just said hurt me. I don't know how to do that without yelling at that person and become really, really mad.

And that's so like I just called my spouse like I'm just quiet because I don't know what to say. And he was like, that's good.

Because as if someone hurts me

I get so mad. Like I, I know that I'm sad and that I want to cry, but it just comes out in anger and,

and it sometimes I need to wait like a few days to say something just to be like, OK, I think I got this under control. I'm not going to, you know,

and it's, and I think that

and also what I, what came out when I did my,

when I did my 4th step is that I'm so,

so selfish. I think that everyone should be the way I want them to be. Because if if everyone just would be like loving and just hugging each other and laughing all the time and we will laugh the same jokes will like everything, like this world will be beautiful.

And instead I could just accept that people are not like me and that's totally fine.

And also, I don't have to have people in my life that doesn't make me feel good.

And that's kind of that's a big thing for me, I think. And,

and I remember like when I, when I did my sex inventory, all also so dishonest

because I, I think like 90% of the people that have sex with 95%. I didn't want to. I just didn't want to. I just didn't want to be rude.

I don't want to. I don't want to say no so that I hurt you and you get mad at me. So we just do this and I'll just go and take a shower.

That's kind of what my

SO. That's kind of weird though, so I've been practicing to say no a lot and it's kind of cool. I don't have to have sex with people that I don't know.

That's been awesome.

And they even have this and this is so much fun. I did a scene at the moment. I just thought like, as I was here like a few years back, I think it was like four or five years ago and I started dating this guy and and I talked to my friend. I was like, Hey, I'm dating this person and he's and she says, but I think he has hepatitis. And I was like, wow, that's she was like, I hope you're using a condom. I was like, Oh, I don't know, I don't think so. And then I just started to thinking, you think about it. I call up my sister's like, hey, if I get hepatitis, is that something permanent or can I take, can I

vacation for that? She's going and she's like, why do you ask that? I was like, no, just just a random question

and then

kind of thinking like this guy is he's been touring all over the world. He's been like a drug addict for 20 years using heels. Like maybe he has like HIV. I don't know, like it was like, and and then I think to myself rather to like asking like, can we use protection? I kind of think like, well, if I get it, you can eat medication that so that you can live like a normal person and you and I can probably get rid of the hepatitis if I catch that one.

And now afterwards, like why the hell did I do that? Like that's just insane. That's just insane. I I'm willing to get like a disease of some kind of

so just to so that I won't make someone else feel

rejected or whatever because I don't want to be rejected. So I don't want reject someone else.

So that was

that was kind of a cool thing for me to just just see all of that.

And

and I think when it when I did it, all of my fears, like I think that's probably why I'm so scared till this day. And I've been in these meetings for kind of a year. I always, I'm always so scared of that you all going to figure out that I'm a fake and that I don't belong here, that I'm not like I shouldn't be a Conan like my dad is not that bad like my childhood was. I just think that I don't belong.

Like there's something and it's just that's like my constant fear, I think not to belong and to people figuring out that I'm a fake or whatever,

but I'm not. If this just is just so weird. I just feel like people will catch up. They will know my big secret and then I'm screwed and I don't have any. But it's just that's how I feel.

And then I just have all of the other like regular fears that I don't want to. I don't want to be alone.

I'm scared that I'm going to be single forever. That's why I maybe should go back to my ex-boyfriend

and stuff like that.

But it's yeah.

And I remember when I did my, my fifth step with my sponsor, that was,

well, that's a beautiful thing to share this with her. And,

and,

and my sponsor, she's, she's

one of the most kickest persons I've ever met in my entire life. She has so much love, she's so caring. She always listens, she always gives me advice and

and I remember when we were going to do my when I wish I was going to leave my house and I was going to do my like six and seven step

says in the book that it should be like quiet or whatever, sit down for an hour or something. And I'm not, I'm not the kind of sitting down type of person, like taking the book book off the shelf or whatever.

So I just looked, I was like, am I going to sit here for an hour? Like, what's the rules here? And this is the beauty. Like it's

she sees me like who I am. So she tells me like, why don't you put on some music? Because I know that's how you feel connected. And I was like, are you kidding me? So I put on my favorite song for repeat. And she said that sit here for as long as you want to. If you want to sit here for an hour, that would be kick ass. But if you feel that you the 20 minutes is enough, you just do whatever you want to do as long as it makes it comfortable. And I think I was, I sat there for like one hour and 15 minutes

and

the longer I was sitting, just more stuff came up. Like

just how,

just how dishonest and how selfish I am, even though I don't think I am because I am. So I care about so many people

sometimes it is in such a selfish way and such in this dishonest way, because I will care by you so that you won't get mad at me. Then it's just about me. It's not about you. It's just about me. You were loving me. That's all it's about

and

I don't know what to say. And

and also sitting

when I did, when I was sitting listening to my music

and when we talked about all,

when went through all the lists and all my resentments in my life and we just talked about stuff

like that's the creation of my best thinking when I'm trying to be the best person that I can possibly be. This is how it turns out.

So for me it just made more sense that I need even more God in my life.

And for me I think

I think it was all God when it comes to that. I had like the courage to break up with my ex-boyfriend

because I I prayed every night like show me what's right and help me to do the next right thing.

And I got so many like I believe in science. I'm one. I'm one of those people.

So I got so many sites could be like, my God, what should I do? And then I like press shuffle on Spotify and this song is song is like like don't go down this road again, like until you suffer some. That's how it's like walking down the same. It's just like what? And I called my sponsor like what does it mean?

And then

I think if I'm just, if I just,

if I just

like keep my faith,

I will get the answer. And for me it's a lot about patience.

So I remember one time when I was lying in bed with my ex-boyfriend, he made me so unhappy, so unhappy. And I stayed in that relationship. I know,

but then all of a sudden we were lying there and there was just like one day before we broke up,

I felt this, I don't know, this power just rushing through my body and I started to cry

and he said like, why are you crying? She was just out of nowhere. And I told him like, like no matter. Like I told him like because he wasn't he didn't believe in God. I was like, and I said like,

it doesn't matter what happened because no matter what, I will never be alone.

And that's I need to share now like I've

like at this moment, I don't feel God like prison, like just all of this. Sometimes I do. And when I do feel that I have

when I feel the presence of God,

I'm

scared of anything

when I if I have this connection

doesn't matter if I'm if I'm going to be single all my life, and

it doesn't matter whether my dad thinks that I'm an idiot or not. That's

matter if I have money or not, doesn't I just don't care about anything, not even like I don't care about you. But it's just it doesn't matter

because everything will turn out the way it's supposed to.

I'm just gonna

now

I do like a lot of like daily, daily reading and

can I read one of these? It's not a pro literature, I think.

I'm not gonna mention what it is.

So the 1st of May,

it's dealing with disharmony. Uh,

and it's so weird. I've read this book. It's, I love the daily readings when you keep on reading him. I've been reading this for three years, I think, and never, ever have I noticed this page. So, so beautiful when I, when I, when I practice, like when I do my morning routines that I pray every morning and I read this and I add some things. I might read something out of the big book. I do my inventory. I just, I just do all the stuff that I'm supposed to do. And it's so weird how different things can pop out and make sense

that different. So bear with me

when I'm reading this. I'm just gonna jump into the middle. So dealing with this harmony. We are told in those days, divorces were granted by the Something law on the most rifling grounds. Married people who were not getting on together as well as they would have liked were prone to run away from that problem by obtaining an easy dissolution.

Now we understand that no permanent happiness can be obtained in this way.

As long as you are running away from your problem, you will continue to meet. Meet it in a new guise that every turn in the road, just as in running from one business position to another without first having brought about a change in consciousness, we found ourselves repeating the old conditions in a slightly different form. So as a rule, people who divorce freely are apartment to finish up

as this something

sorry, no finish up as dissatisfied as they begun. The general rule in truth is fight out your problem where you are with prayer. The general rule is still good for all condition in life. Do not try to divorce or amputate the the in harmony, but let it dissolve a way of itself under God's guidance.

And for me that since I'm not married anything, I just think that for me.

Sometimes I can end up in the psycho. Poor me. Why is this happening to me? Life is so bad and, and,

but when I, when I, when I

kind of just stay in what's going on,

like with my dad or any other relationships that or my sister or my mom or whatever, kind of a lot of relationships. That's not the way I want them to be. If I just trust God and if I just do what I'm supposed to do

thing, I don't believe that things will turn out awesome and amazing. I just think that my way of looking upon it will change

and my feelings towards other people will change my how I deal with stuff. And it's just,

and it has been proven like because that's, that's my that's my experience that things will stay the same. But if I just trust God and I keep on doing what I'm doing, I will change as a result of doing it. I can be more patient, I can be more loving, I can be more understanding and the same time like have integrity. I can still I can keep my boundaries. I can say no to people. I just,

it's, yeah, I don't know,

it's kind of amazing

and I still haven't sponsored yet. I don't have AI told myself that I'm going to have one sponsee in both programs and I'll have two in the other. So I'm waiting for someone of them to just finish so I can start with someone over here

'cause I've had too many sponsors. There was one thing that it made it kind of wrong too when I was sponsoring

like from my other problem,

I have like 3 sponsors at the same time working the steps, working full time. I did a lot and I was just so stressed out. I was like, Oh my God, I don't feel good. And like I asked the person that I am the people in in like like ACA where he was like you better go help someone else. And I was like OK, I'll go and help. Who should I help? I just, I just got sicker and sicker and sicker and people just like beef service go and help someone and I was like, I help people all the time, but I'm dying inside.

So for me, it's a big

if I need to find that balance of like helping in a good way but not being selfish. Like I can't do this. Like I have an issue with helping too much so I'm not going to help anyone. Like it's fine. It's a fine line for me, but I think I'm getting a grasp on it. I don't really know what I've said now, but I think I'm quite done.

Thank you so much for having me

did wonderful.

OK, we will now observe the seven

and I've asked. Oops. Except he'll. No, wait. I've asked someone to read the do's and don'ts, but he. Yeah, you can read that one. It's the same as this. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

Do forgive. Do be honest with yourself. Do be humble. Do take it easy, tension is harmful. Do play fight regulation and hobbies. Do keep trying whenever you fail. Do learn the facts about drug addiction and alcoholism. You attend court on meetings more often. Do great.

Don't. Don't be self-righteous. Don't try to dominate, nag, scold and complain.

Thank you. That's my favorite reading. By the way,

couple of quick things. We do have T-shirts for sale. They're beautiful. I've got them in all different sizes. I've got them in the other room. See me for that?

I dude, we have an opportunity drawing. It's six tickets for $5. See me for that. I think that's it. Oh, we also have like an informational table set up at

registration and if anybody's willing to sit there and just actually just sit there. So see me for that.

And that's it. And we'll close with the Serenity prep.

Your moment of silence

to accept the things I cannot change courage change things I can and wisdom to know the difference

working

in a

I'm sorry,

let's try to reach back

the translation, but some words.

Oh, did we hit the

season?