The Edisto Roundup in Edisto, SC

My name is Bobby Cool. I'm an alcoholic.

I'd like to thank the committee for inviting me, Joel and Mary Kay. It's actually the second time I've been in the state of South Carolina sober.

I was actually here in Charleston a number of years ago at the very first state, South Carolina state conference of young people. It's a beautiful city. It's really a nice area. You know, last week I was at the Phillies game opening day. It was 71° on Monday and Wednesday it was snowing at the game.

Now, my friend Tim came from Cleveland. He had 30 inches in the last week, so it wasn't that bad back home. But it's really nice to be here. That's beautiful.

I really don't speak with any type of accent you think I may have. I'm actually I'm finishing up a cold I really saw

My sobriety date is June 2nd, 1988. My Home group is the underground group. We meet at the Opie Community Center 4th of Lombard in South Philadelphia on Tuesday, Thursdays or Fridays at 8:00. If you ever the neighborhood please stop by. We love to have you. Chapter 5 is real clear. I am supposed to tell you in a general way what my life was like as an active alcoholic, what happened to me and what my life is like today's a sober member of alcohol synonymous. I was born and raised in a very blue collar working class neighborhood in Philadelphia.

I have seven brothers and sisters. We had no booze all my house. My father did not drink and my mother could not drink. You know, my mother was pregnant for almost 10 years.

Seriously,

I, I, I I got a brother who I have a sister who's 11 months older than me and I am a level months older than my next sister. It's

Irish octuplets,

you know. But, you know, and besides being pregnant all those years on fortune, my mother suffered from a history of mental illness and abuse, prescription medication. So my father, who did not drink, was pretty smart not to have any booze all in the house. My grandparents, my dad's parents, lived around the corner from us, and their basement was finished as a bar. And that's where the family functions were held at graduations, the christenings and things like that. And that's why I had my very first drink.

I loved my grandparents. My grandparents were immigrants, so they used to speak kind of funny and you know,

but if you come in the neighborhood is everyone the same? But you know what they they always had parties. You know, my mother was one of 11, my father from much smaller family who's one of 10. So we are, there was always a party. You know, there's always someones graduation or you know, something that was always going on. And that's why I had my first drink. I did not get drunk the first time I got drank, but I remember what it was. I was just a kid and I was running around the basement bar polishing off that It was

Valentine beer.

And I remember that because I remember going up to Connie Mac Stadium with my father and Valentine. You said that school board and right center field and he had the three rings on it, you know, and I was running around the basement bar passing off the half empties or the half fulls. I guess it depends on your perception. But it was my uncle's who pointed at me, said look at him and look at Bobby. And that's why I always craved see, I never felt a part of and that's pretty tough to do when you got 10 people living in a small tree bed Monroe home. But I never felt a part of and that would be true. And even to an early recovery,

my drinking really took off kind in high school. Most of the kids in the neighborhood went to the local diocesan high school, but my parents had sent me to a private Jesuit high school. And right away I felt kind of different because most of the kids who went to the school from affluent families from the suburbs just mean a couple of dirt balls in the neighborhood who went there. And we used to walk to this school and a lot of these kids, there was their first introduction to the inner city and their parents would be dropping them off in their luxury automobiles and mean the guys in the neighborhood were inside robbing their lockers.

And and I knew that was wrong. I knew that by the values and still to me by the nonsense again about my parents, but the need for me to be accepted by you outweighed anything else. And I had a lot of nicknames. And one of those nicknames was Crazy Coil. And I did things in my gut that I was uncomfortable doing, but the need for, you know, I wish your entertainment committee, you know, and so and we, we did things like that, like we sold football pools. And if you hit, we didn't pay off.

Yeah,

you. You wanted to buy certain substances. We sold you substitutes without your knowledge. You didn't do nothing.

So we thought we were gangsters, you know, so, but,

but I remember my freshman year at the Prep, at September, it's football season there. We run at a bus, there's an away game, there's drinking, there was fighting, there was police activity. There's really a lot of fun.

And I remember the first Monday back to school, we all had to go sit at this scenario. And they they were, he had about 10 of us lined up outside his office and they were all upperclassmen except me and another kid from the neighborhood were the only two freshmen. And the priest came up to us. He said, what's with you guys? You guys here like 2 weeks and you get in this jackpot already? And I just shrugged my shoulders. I said you don't follow just one of them things

and what it was, it didn't take me along the sides up situations, even though I did well academically. I didn't hang out with the AP kids and I didn't play football, so I didn't hang up those kids. I was there about a week and found out who the nitwits were and that's why I hung out with you know, and that would be the story of my life putting in new situations. I ran out of the knuckleheads were and that's why I want to hang out with. You know,

this school's in a pretty rough neighborhood. It's on the corner of 17th and Gerard and three blocks away is the subway. Now at the end of the day, these kids use it from the suburbs. You set to take public transportation home. And so but they were scared to walk the three blocks to the subway. So the trolley car stopped outside the school so they would wait forever. They waited 1/2 hour an hour for the trolley. You could walk them back 20 times, you know, but they were afraid. Now two blocks away, there was a bar called the Ebony Showcase Lounge. And when I was a junior at the right, I think I was a regular

Ebony. Now he went there for a couple of different reasons. I mean, what? I'm 16, I look like I'm 12. I'm

kind of dressed like I am now, you know, Gray slacks, blazer, you know, and but they figured if we were goofy enough to go in there and service that, you know, to get served, they would service. And it was nuts. Now, I went there because they had dancers and they had cold beer. But a lot of times we went there again, just to show off these kids from the suburbs how tough we were. I'm not a tough guy, and I never was. And every time I strolled out that street and I sat in the bar in order to drink, I was terrified. But I couldn't let anybody else know, you know, playing the role, keeping people at Bay and all that nonsense that went with it.

When it came time to graduate from the prep,

you know, I didn't want to go to want to go no own company to go on to school. And that kind of ticked my parents off because my parents didn't have much and they made a great deal sacrifice to send me to private school. I mean, from both sides, both my both sets of grandparents were immigrants and they knew that the the way to make it here was education. So I didn't want to go to school, but I knew I couldn't stay home because they be held to catch and guys like me don't like to catch any hell, you know? But my options were limited. I'm 17, I got no skills, I got no money. I can't do nothing,

so the only thing available to me I thought was enlisted in the service. And that's what I did. I enlisted in the service.

That really wasn't a bright move back then because nobody else was going. I mean, it just wasn't popular at the time. There were things going on. So but I, I got, I enlisted and after my training, I went up to get sent overseas for 13 months. And that's what my drinking really took off. I never messed around with other substances. I never even smoked a joint. You know, I had a fear of that stuff. I had a lot of guys from my neighborhood I was going over and got whacked on certain things and I had a healthy fear of that stuff.

But I definitely had a drinking problem before I went in and when I was over there it got worse

there a couple months and several good friends of mine got killed it. I don't know how to handle that because in my family we didn't talk about nothing.

It was all surface stuff, you know? And once you moved out of the house, whether you went to school, you got married, you were no longer Privy to the secret to the family.

Everything stayed within the walls of the house. And if you lived in the house, everything stayed inside you. And that's not a shot at my folks. I mean, that's just the way it was. We're going to talk about nothing, you know, And I didn't know what to do but boozing on the pain. And that's what I did. I drank enough to numb the pain. You know, I didn't distinguish myself in the service, but I didn't do Bailey either. I gave the bare minimum effort required to get by. Mediocrity was my goal, and I was pretty good with that. I didn't want any attention, good attention, bad attention. I would just hope that I skate along and do what I needed to do and you wouldn't even notice me.

My tour was up. I came home, I enrolled in school and went to Saint Joe's, and then I wound up taking a couple civil service exams and at the end of the spring semester, St. Joseph. Back then, it was a small school. I mean, I don't think there was more than 3000 of us in the whole school.

So there's about 1520 of us in the Clay show. Max, is he? At the end of the spring semester, the guy from the neighborhood called me up. He said, Bobby, the village of playing tomorrow, one of those businessman specials, you know, like one of those weekday afternoon games. He said, you want to go to the game? I said, sure. I mean, I'm not setting the Clash room on fire, not making the Dean's list, but I'm not failing out either. Give him a bare minimum effort required to get by. So I said, sure, I'll go down. So what? The Phillies has since moved. They're playing in South Philadelphia. They're playing the Vet Stadium. It was an unusually warm day in May,

sitting at the top of the stadium, the 700 level, drinking that cheap watered down beer. And the sun's beating down on us and I'm getting kind of trashed. And I told one of the guys I was with, I said, you know what, if I'm going to run down the field, meet one of the players.

And they said that's OK, Bob, go ahead. And they kind of shrugged me off because another nickname I had was bullshit. Bob, I'm going to say that I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I did that. I didn't do nothing. I made stories off. I never got off the bar store. That's why I did. I told stories

when I talk to you. I should have started off Once Upon a time. I mean, I got, you know, just nuts.

So I worked my way down to the old picnic here they had. And I jumped over the fence and I ran out in the field and the San Diego Padres were in town. And Dave Winfield was the right fielder for the Padres. And I went out and I shook his hand. I said, hi, Dave, how you doing?

And he looked at me. He said, brother, what do you do not hear? And he's a pretty big dude, you know? And from behind him, I saw the cards come. And I said, Dave, I gotta go now.

So I saw it running towards the infield. I want to slide in the second base, but I was running towards the Enfield. There was more guards coming from the third base side. I know I can't do that. If I slid in a second, I get caught. So I start walking towards first base and I'm walking. At this point, it's probably close to the guard as Adam Meyer right now. And I'm walking to give myself up a delay, a second. I dig the guy. I ran out in the airfield.

Now I'm running around like a screwball. It seems like 10 minutes, but it's probably closer to two or three, right? But the stadiums go on nuts, you know? They couldn't catch me. I mean, I'm just out of service. I'm a good shape, you know? But you know what? I'm drunk. I'm out of breath. Defense is 12 feet high. I got nowhere to go, you know,

And it seriously, it was like the Cena Keystone cops. I got these young, short, fat guys he's got. They couldn't catch me. They're tumbling over up on the school board. They put Mr. Excitement. It was just nuts.

But I finally stopped running. I just gave up. I weighed out in center field. I waited for them to catch me.

They took me off the field. I got a standing ovation from 37,000 people.

They took me off to the bullpen and Tug McGraw was in the bullpen for the Village game. The thumbs up said like way to go. You know, now I knew I was going to get a beating from them guards. You know what? They could have beat on me all day long because you know why? Because I knew that I was going to be a legend in the neighborhood. I figured by the time I got out of jail, I

be back, the guys in the neighborhood be telling the story because this would be a type of story that make up like bullshit, Bob right. But I got them four guys in the neighborhood who would tell this story and I could drink for free for at least a week easily. I I actually picked this. I was just nuts so they could have beat on me. I didn't care. Just as I was about to get my beat in, the Philadelphia police Lieutenant showed up. He said, what's the matter with you? He said, are you drunk? Are you high? What's going on? I said I'm just happy, just happy to be here,

he said. Well, you better get your happy ass out of the stadium.

So not only did he save me from getting a beating, but he saved me from getting arrested. And that was kind of important because about like 6-8 weeks later when I'm civil service, AMS kind of panned out and I got hired by the Philadelphia Police Department.

They was hiring anybody back in take my work. I got hired. We had our mirror at the time was a guy by number, Frank Rosso. Frank was a former cop and police commissioner. He loved us and we were 8300 strong and we were not with gang badges and we could do whatever the hell we want to do.

When I got sworn in, I'm not even old enough to drink. The drinking age in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania has always been 21. At that time, the drinking age in Jersey was 18. And where I lived in Philly, I could be across the bridge in Jersey quicker than other parts of Philadelphia, you know. But once I got on the job, I no longer needed to do that, you know, and

I was off to the races. The first part of my career I spent up in North Philadelphia and I would see the the ravages of alcoholism and drug addiction day in day out.

And at the end of the tour I will go out with guys in the squad and drink the numb the pain because I saw things on the job but I couldn't tell my Co workers that because I don't want to be thought last night. I wanted to be one of the boys to the point where I engage in behaviors I knew was wrong. The way I treated the people and spoke to people, you know, but I was just nuts. I was immature. You know, I need it back out for a minute. That story I talked about running on the field. I tell that story for a couple of different reasons. First of all, you know what's the only funny story I got?

I wasn't a funny guy. I wasn't a lover, I wasn't an athlete. I was none of that stuff.

The line you've even stinking, falling down, violent, drunk. I had some good times, but I crossed the line when that happened. I had no idea. But it got ugly quickly for me, you know, Secondly, it's a it's a true story. I get them full guys from the neighborhood. They can back me up,

but you know, it's just amazing. But you know, and more importantly, no, it's a you know, it's it's the only store. I remember. I was a major blackout drinker from the very first start. I remember I would be out with the guys and show up at the corner the next day and guys would be telling me what I did up above you and not she did this last night

and they would tell these stories to me and a couple hours later I will be repeating these stories like I remembered them. I remember when I got so both few years later was I was in the VA hospital and the doctor came up to me said listen, did you ever have any blackouts? I said no, I must have answered a little too quickly for him. He said do you know what they are? I said no once he described them to me. I said all the time, that's how I thought you had a good load the night before if you didn't remember it. I just thought that was that went with the territory. I was a blackout drinker from the very first start,

just drinking beer. I've just not send, you know, some Irish whiskey and a little wine, but predominantly beer. But, you know, I was just nuts. So I'm on the job and, you know, and it's, you know, I'm having a lot of fun and then I'm having a lot of problems. I'm at work one day in my immediate supervisor pulled me off the side. He said, you know what, kid, you're smart. You're going to go places, but that booze is going to mess you up in one ear and not the other.

I'm at a family function one time and my uncle was there. My uncle, he was a boss on the job, and he pulled me off to the side. He's a Bobby. I'm hearing stories about you. You're going to get yourself in a jackpot. You better take it easy. Slow down

in one ear and out the other. Several years later, on two separate occasions, I ran into that supervisor and my uncle in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I remember talking to my uncle Jimmy. I said, I said, how come you didn't tell me, you know? And he gave me one of them old timer smiles. He said, Bobby, you just weren't ready yet. Which is goes to show you that all the drinking and all the nonsense that went with it were necessary for me to hit my bottom.

I was,

you know, I made my first me. I knew about Alcoholics Anonymous. I made my first meeting in 19. I know about Alcoholics Anonymous. I can introduce in 1979. I don't tell people I went out because I really never came in. But I'll tell you what happened. I showed up at work one day and I had one of my coworkers who's just drunk out of his mind, you know, and we had a counseling unit on the job. And then within that counseling unit, they used to have an A, a group 369 was the name of the group. And I showed up at work one day and the supervisor said, Bobby, you know, take this guy up to the unit. He's going to be detailed for there for the day. I said, OK, so

little houses sat in the park and I coming down the driveway and I pull up and there's a guy who's sitting on the porch. His name was Eddie, Eddie M and Eddie and I had worked out in the same building. He was actually the turnkey downstairs and I was kind of friendly with him. I said, Eddie, yes, I'm dropping this guy off. I'll be back at 4:00 to pick him up. He's detailed here for the day. He looked me dead in the eye. So, kid, do you want to come in?

I said no, I don't. I've insulted that, even asked me because I know what Alcoholics were. Alcoholics were you older guys you marry guys, you guys, the three heads. I mean, I wasn't an alcoholic. I was a beer drinker. The only, you know, and you couldn't be an alcoholic drinking beer Alcoholics were these poor people I was dealing with day in, day out. I mean, like I said, the only time I drank hard liquor was like on Saint Patty's Day or New Year's Day or payday. But I was a beer drinker

and it was funny because when I got sober, Eddie was one of the first guys I saw my first outside meeting and he just gave me one of them old timer smiles. He said, so kid, you finally came around. And again, just to show you that all the drinking and all the nonsense that went with it were necessary for me to hit my bottom. You know, I was 24 years old and I shot and killed a 15 year old kid in line of work in a terrible situation. It couldn't be avoided. You know, they now have a free suicide by police. But 20 some years ago, that wasn't around,

and I use it as an excuse to crawl in a bottle. And that's what I did for my next three years. I got sober when I was 27. Drinking took me to a lot of my nevers, and one of those nevers was the use of other substances. I wound up getting promoted and transferred on my job and I was put in a position. I was drinking. I was working this thing and I was drinking, and my judgment was impaired and I was put in position where I thought I needed to do other substances. And that's what I did.

My use of other substances is very short. It lasted about 17 months. It caused me and a lot of other people a lot of grief. And out of respect to the fifth tradition, that's what I need to talk about. That stuff, you know, it just went with the territory.

I'm sitting home from work one day. I'm reading the paper and there was an article, and at the end of the article there was a little box and had a series of questions that said alcohol problems, drug problems, depression, thoughts of suicide, marital problems. I was four out of five

because I was single. And I'm sure if I was married, I'm sure if I was married. I've been batting 1000, you know, And they talk about the moment of clarity or sanity. But as soon as it came, it quickly left. But something made me cut that out and I stuck it in my wallet and I continue to drink. It

is Memorial Day weekend, 1988. Me and the guys I worked with, we were in a lot of trouble. So we were in a bar to get our story straight, you know, and one thing led to another and it just turned out to be a drinking party, you know, and I guess we forgot our primary purpose, you know, we're getting drunk. And one of the guys I was with, he said he needed to go home, God forbid, like he had to take take care of some sort of family obligation. And I said, listen, I'll give you a ride home because I did not think that I was as drunk as he was. And he thought that was a pretty good idea.

So I was giving him a ride home and I I was a show off. I always was. So I was going to show off my driving skills to this guy. That's pretty easy to do because I'm not driving my car,

you know, it's a it's a City car. And I would see things like on television or in the movies and I would try to duplicate these things. And I man, I told so many cars. I now know everything's pre designed and they got stunt people know that other stuff. And I was wondering why it was always tear these cars up and the bosses came up to me and they know I would tell these outrageous stories and they they just looked at me and they knew. But you never confess, you know, I mean, unless they may know, but unless they got the proof, you can't get jammed up sized. Oh no, that didn't happen

much. So I was going to show off my driving skills and I'm driving at the street and I see a kid coming towards me on a bicycle and up on my left hand side was a big walls about 10 feet high

and for some reason I thought it'd be funny to see this kid jump the curb and grab the wall. I don't know why I just thought that'd be funny. So we decided to play chicken with this kid and unfortunately at the last second we turned to the same direction. I ran this kid over as he lied bleeding little hood in my car. I got out of my car on my night sick and was going to beat this kid because I thought he was milking me in the city for an insurance claim. The guy that I was with prevented me from doing that. So I took this kid off the hood of my car to a motor side of the street like a piece of trash. I pulled his crumpled bicycle from underneath my car through that off the side of the street like a piece of trash. I drove back to the.

Some sort of smart remark and I continued on drinking. When I came to the next day, I realized I was in serious, serious trouble but and I didn't think anybody would help me because that's such a creep and I don't know what to do. So what I did do, I got a bottle like our case of beer and some other substances. And I checked in the hotel with the attention to consume all the stuff to build up the courage on my life. And three days later than knocking on the door to kick me out of the hotel and everything's gone. The alcohol, the drugs, all that stuff's gone. And at this point I'm suspended from my job so I no longer had access to my weapon so I can't shoot myself.

So I walked over to the window and I opened up the window. I was going to jump out the window and when I open up the window, I was on the 5th floor and I remembered I was scared of heights.

I made 23 jumps in the service and overcame my fear of heights. So then I went in the bathroom. I filled the bathtub but with water. I was going to put a blow dryer in the tub to make it appear in actual execution. And every time I put a blow dryer into the tub, it'll come unplugged.

I was about a phone to hear shown on cord and it's like they see now that woody almond we were coming to kill himself and I got 1 foot in the tub and I'm leaning trying to plug it in. I couldn't even do that

and I didn't, you know, there was nothing left and the only other, the only other tool I had left was my car. So I took one light Sprint to the neighborhood. I guess I want to see everything for the last time. And then I started up at the falls at the the falls bridge and come down to East River Dr. which is a very winding Rd. along the Schuylkill River. And I decided I was going to end my life in automobile accident.

And this was a Wednesday, a Thursday like mid morning ten 11:00. And that's important because of it happen any other time I'd have probably succeeded in what I said at the door.

And the speed limit is like 20 and I'm doing about 40 and and I'm cooped and I'm a hungover and I'm just flying and I figured I'd go on oncoming traffic because I handled enough jobs like that and does that does the trick. And and as I'm coming down the drive, I, I always remembered something that happened when I was young when the job it was, it's believe me, it's not even the top 20, but it always bothered me. I was what I was about 2223 years old and I had to do a notification before I had a knock on this guy's door and tell him that his son was killed in automobile accident.

And he must, he was an older guy to me at that point. He had to be like in his late 30s, early 40s. And I remember when I knocked on his door and told him. And the only way I can describe it, I actually saw the life leave this guy. He literally aged in front of me, you know, and I saw him a few weeks in court. I didn't even recognize him. I was walking down the hallway and he pulled me off to the side. I started talking to him. You know, I don't know why that stayed with me, but I was always haunted by that. And like I said, it's not even a, it's not even a top 20 of the stuff that I was engaged in.

But as much pain that I was in,

I knew that I could not inflict that type of pain on another family. I now know that was my higher power, but I didn't know that at that time.

But I still needed that in my pain. So I decided to wrap myself around in one of these trees. They got these big old oak trees and that does the job. I handle enough of those usually get thrown to the windshield. I get victor from the vehicle and get run over by another one. That would do the trick too. And I just lost it. I just started crying and you know, I'm speeding. I just just nuts. And I finally pull over and at the end of the East River Drivers Boathouse Row and I sit behind the wheel of my car. And I cried like a baby for about 10 minutes. And I reached in my glove box where I always had an extra gun, and it wasn't there.

But inside was my wallet. And inside that wall was that article that had clipped out that I know was about six weeks before.

And I called the phone number up and the woman who answered the phone, I spoke to this woman like I spoke to no one in my life before. I told her the truth. I told her everything that was going on in my miserable life. And God bless her, she listened patiently. And when I got done, she said, listen, why don't you drive over to Hahnemann Hospital, somebody waiting to talk to you. I said, OK, that was like about a 5 minute drive. And I drove over there and they were waiting for me. They minute me to their 10th floor of psychiatric unit and they kept me there for about three or four days. They got me kind of stabilized and from there I got transferred to the VA hospital at West Philadelphia,

and I spent about six weeks in their flight deck. And then I got transferred to the VA hospital out in Coatesville where I would spend a few more weeks in our flight deck before I got put into an alcohol drug word. When I pulled over that day and made that phone call, Alcoholics Anonymous was the furthest thing from mine. I didn't think I had a problem with alcohol. I thought my main problem was that all the substances, if I left that crap alone, I'd be OK. Maybe I got this mental illness. I heard this from my mother. Maybe I got this stress stuff they're not talking about. I got this from my experience in the service. I got this on the job.

Maybe it's the neighborhood I love and maybe it's the fact I'm a Mama, but it can't be alcohol because I'm a beer drinker and there's no way you could be an alcoholic drinking beer. I mean, that's how whooped I was.

So I'm in the drug and alcohol ward. I'm there probably about two or three hours. And at this point I'm probably I so I get about 8-10 weeks in my without any substances, right. So I, so the, the, the arrogance creeps back in. So I got to get the delay of the land. I got to check out like what's going on here? So I wander into the Dave Roman in the Dave room up on the wall. They had the large window shades of the 12 steps of the 12 traditions. I zip through the steps. I had about six of them done.

I sold a part about the immense and said this group, we don't do that. Not my neighborhood. We don't. We're never wrong. You don't do that,

you know. But what bothered me, later that night two men came up and they were part of treatment facility committee. I did not know that then I would find out that that late that later

and these guys came up this year, you know, whatever the hell they want to share. And I would sit there and I said, man, these guys are nuts. You know, I'm not bad as these guys and I'm walking around, you know, I'm not bad as these guys. You know, these guys, I mean, they got wives who hate them kids. They're not allowed to go nowhere near the house. I don't have that problem, probably due to the fact I never been married. I didn't have any kids. These guys had all types of legal problems. I didn't have that going on probably due to the fact 'cause I had a gold shield in my back pocket and none of these guys said employment. I never had employment problem. I mean, I went from

high school to the Air Force of the police departments. The only job I had, I mean I didn't I was looking for the differences and not the similarities. And the moment that the speaker said something about his background that I did not identify with, could not relate to her plaintiff, like I immediately tune him out. Two visitors in the messenger, not the message. But what bothered me the most without any question was at the end of the meeting, everyone got in a circle, held hands and said the Lord's prayer. If this is what your people about, I know what not to do with you because I hated God

and you know what they they were. Believe me, it was justified hate

and I know there's strong words. You know what? And it doesn't even begun begin to sum up the feelings I had towards God.

And there were a number of reasons I hated God. But one of the more important reasons was, you know, my mom was a fundamentalist in the church and she's in the charismatic movement. And she could speak in tongues and pictures in the house and all that other stuff. I was 15 years old. I came home from school one day. I'm in a house for about 10 minutes, and I came across my mother. My mother had slit her wrist. And remember, she looked up with me. She said, Bobby, help me. I looked down. I said, good for you. And I got an older guy to go to the state store and got a bottle of wine. I stayed out and drank the wine. I came home later that night. My father told me what happened. I acted as a surprise. I said, Oh yeah, how about that?

So that happened when I was 15. I got sober when I was 27. So that's 12 years of hating God. And believe me, that's a good 12 years for I hate to fester. It'll be a few more years before I would ever address this issue. I did not want anything to do with your people at all

when they gave time to get discharged out of the hospital. I'm about to say this and please, it's not good. It's not to get a laugh. The nurse came up to me and she had to be a member of Al Anon. She was such a beautiful lady and she saw all through my BS and she came up because it was a facade and always about keeping people at Bay. She saw right through it and she said, you know what, the only way you're going to make it, you're going to need to go to Apple Hawks Anonymous. And I need to tell you, that's the best piece of ice I got and that's why we get my recovery. I got in an alcohol synonymous. I didn't get at the VA hospital. the VA hospital helped me tremendously. They really,

you know, they train the oil, tighten the bolts. I mean, they do great work, but I got my recovery and alcohol synonymous. I went to a every single day, sometimes two or three times a day. Did you know I don't drink coffee? I never have, so I don't make it.

I don't smoke cigarettes. I never have, so I don't empty any gas trays. I don't go to big book meetings or step meetings. If I went to one of them, it was by accident. I would leave at the break. I had something more important to do, tradition meetings,

rules my line of work would love to enforce, and we don't like to follow him there for other people. So I didn't do that meetings either. I was interested in war stories and the moment that the speaker said something about his background that I couldn't identify with, I didn't like that immediately tune him out, too busy listening to messenger, not the message. But I made meetings and as crazy as a bedbug, I was sitting in his bar. I was drinking soda, drinking salsa out of a rock glass. And I was, I don't know, I'm probably sold about 10-11 months at this time.

And a couple guys, because they sold real good roast beef too, one of those bars, good food, right? And so I'm sitting there and drinking my shoulder and eating my sandwich. And a couple guys in the neighborhood came in and they saw me and they thought it was necessary to knock me down a couple pegs because I was, I was, you know, a very arrogant guy.

I was very aggressive with my job and, you know, got a lot of attention. In just case you happen to miss the article. I just had a couple, maybe four or five in my trunk of the car. I'd be more than happy to sign for you and give to you. I mean, it's, you know, and the truth was the reason I was in that border that day is the arrogance because as you can imagine, towards the end of my drink and there's a lot of negative publicity. And I was there. Don't believe the hype. I don't know who that guy was. Things are cool. That's why I was in the bar that day. And the guys came in and he just started, like breaking, like, you know, he just started,

you know, he gave me a hard way to go, you know, start. You just try to knock me down a couple pegs, you know,

And he got a little too close to me and I stood up and I punched him right in the face. I was drinking out of a rock last night. I cut him open. He bled like a pig. And a uniformed guys came in to handle the job. I knew one of the uniform guys. They pulled me off to the side and I told him what had happened. He just looked at me and I could see the look of disgust in his eye, you know, He said, get the hell out of here, you know, and I could have really got jammed up. I mean, that would have been a serious incident, you know? And so he let me go. And that's where I learned my lessons about people, places and things. And I since found a place that so it's real good roast beef

without being in that type of environment. I'm just nuts. My one year anniversary at that time, you told your story, my Home group, you know,

and I got done speaking. It was incredible. My first anniversary, thunderous applause, the blanket, see the lane walk. That was truly miraculous, you know, and people came up and they pat him on the back and say way to go, Bobby, you're doing so good. I lied during my entire story. I identified myself as an alcoholic because my Home group, that's all you can do. You can talk about that other stuff. I didn't think I had a problem with alcohol. I thought my real problem was short use a lot of substances. I thought I was mentally ill. I had that service, you know, the stress from the services, stress from the job. The neighborhood I lived in

got a problem with alcohol. In fact, during the course of my story, a bottle beer appeared in my head. But you guys don't want to hear that. You want to hear all the quotes from the literature. And I was a pretty sharp guy. I knew how to hold on information and give it back to you. And that's what I did, you know? And when people came up and pat him in the back and say, Bobby, you're doing so good. I was dying inside, you know,