The Pine Lake speaker meeting in Issaquah, WA

On behalf of the Saturday Night Live at Pine Lake speaker meeting, please help me welcome tonight's speaker, Jason J from Portland, OR.

Good evening. My name is Jason Johnson, alcoholic.

I'm not Doug. I just found out I'm feeling in for Doug and so I just text Doug and he said

they'll say you've gotten taller, haven't you? So I don't know what that's supposed to mean. I'm sober day only by the grace of God and assistant. I found the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and I have a my wifes here with me tonight. I've been married twice to the same lady. So if I talk about getting divorced and getting married, it's her. I'm glad you didn't save her a seat in front because she tells me stuff like this and get drunk. Slow down, stop. We got to go, you know,

so it's just going to be all me tonight.

I want to thank Mark for asking me. You know,

I lost a good friend last weekend down at the Coast and he had ran a big conference for like 30-5 years down there and he passed up a heart attack. You know, wasn't obviously never a heart attack

prepared for that, but I was on my way home and I was talking to somebody about service and Mark called and this is the only weekend I'm going to be home for a while. And it just happened to work out for us. So I didn't know I was filling in for Doug, or I would have wore something different, maybe like a hippie shirt,

something like that. But you know, I'm just grateful to be here. I'm grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have some friends here, Mike's here, Giannis here. There's some people that have gone through my story, so this might be the most honest talk you get. A lot of his speakers embellish the story sometimes because it makes it funnier. But with my wife here, it's probably going to be a honest talk.

I'm going to share with you real fast how I got my sponsor. And when I share with you this story, you're going to understand that if you just lower your standards a little bit, this meeting will be really well.

So I had becoming the Alcoholics Anonymous for about 3 years. I went to one meeting a month and it was a speaker meeting. And the only reason I went there was to get my half of the money. And yes, I sobered up and I got a sponsor and I had to give that money back with interest. But it was a pretty good gig I had. But there was a problem at that meeting. There was a guy I thought he ran AAI, thought he was the president of Alcoholics Anonymous because he had all these people. You know, some people call it sponsee, some people call them pigeons, some people call them ducklings. I think

I call him not against, you know what I mean? Because every time you go in someplace, they're always talking about God and the steps and just like God, not again. And he, he had a whole herd of these guys, you know what I mean? There's like 10 or 15. If they went right, he went right. You know, this, it was ridiculous. They always greeted you, they always hugged you. They always told you they loved you. And this annoyed me. But he was the leader and he was the leader of the speakers meeting. So I, it was a Saturday night and I, I got in a fight with my wife and like normal Saturday nights at that time when you're on a dry drunk. And I asked her for a divorce

and she said no,

which that wasn't really the question I was looking for, but you know the answer. And so I said fine. She said, well, I'm going to the meeting, maybe you should go. And so I did what every good alcoholic does. I went into my daughter's room, which I call the office, and I got on the computer and I got the big book and I got the Bible and I wrote a resignation letter to Alcoholics Anonymous. Yeah, it's hard to say right now still. And man, I had some good stuff in there, you know what I mean? I got some quotes out of the big book, how I'm doing much better. And I got some quotes out of the Bible. I signed it and dated and put in an envelope and I went to

meaning to resign from Alcoholics Anonymous. And

it's really not that funny yet, you know what I mean? So I, I go in there and I see John. He's standing in there and he's doing, he does everybody shaking his hand and kissing his behind, You know, you're just annoying stuff, right? And so I walk up and I hand him this letter and he takes it out and he starts reading it and then he just starts laughing, like really loud. I mean like Disneyland laughing, you know what I mean?

People are staring at me and looking at me, and I think, boy, this isn't going too well. And he says, no,

I said, what do you mean no? He says, no, I'm not going to let you leave Alcoholics Anonymous. And then what accidentally came out of my mouth is will you sponsor me?

And man, he got serious just like that, you know what I mean? He no more laughing. He said, are you willing to go to any links for Victory over alcohol? And I'm thinking to myself, I just asked you to sponsor me. Yes, you know. And then he laid out these things I had to do. I had to, I had to call him every day at 6:02 in the morning, Monday through Friday. That was really unnecessary and uncalled for. I, I had to read 2 pages out of big book. I was OK with that because he doesn't live at my house. He doesn't know if I did that or not.

You know, he, he told me I had to pray twice a day

and my prayers, I had to get on my knees in the morning. I had to say, please help, Thank you, Amen. And that night I just had to get on my knees and say thanks, you know, and don't add anything to that because I don't want to call on God. And so then he got to this one where he said, this is where we had a little bit of issue. He said you have to go to five meetings a week to where I'm at. I was like 5 meetings in one week, like in a row. And he said, yeah, I was like, man,

that's almost a six month coin for me, you know what I mean? And,

and I said yes, and he told me try not to drink in between the meetings. And you know, that man changed my life. So that's how I got involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. I got in service and Alcoholics Anonymous and he taught me how to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and good standing, you know, and I sometimes as you hear my story, I haven't always been a member of Alcoholics and I'm some good standing. But that man, I remember one time he looked at me, said if you're willing to do what's asked of you, I'm willing to go to the gates of hell for you.

And I didn't believe him, but I drugged him to the gates of hell. I remember when he started giving me all these directions, I was like every good person. I said there's no directions in Alcoholics Anonymous, it's all suggestions. And he just went like this.

So I'll give you one suggestion, Jason, if you don't want to take these directions, I suggest you find somebody else. And so he's been my sponsor ever since I

and we're doing all right.

So I surprised you get on with this life thing. You know why? My mom and dad got divorced when I was like five or six years old, maybe even younger than that. My dad took off. I never saw him again. My mom was an old hippie. So sometimes we lived in a school bus, sometimes we lived in ATP, sometimes we lived in a gingerbread house that was built on the back of a truck.

Sometimes we lived in a tent, and sometimes we lived in an apartment. You know, and I never knew what that was. And I didn't know if there was anything different.

You know, that's just what we did. I remember when I was getting young, probably, probably going into the 1st grade, we moved into town and we got an apartment there, a little house. And, you know, it was one of those houses where I saw stuff and stuff happened to me and I seen stuff happen to my mom that you probably shouldn't have seen. There was times that I would be so scared that I would just crawl underneath the coffee table because that was the safest place. You know, there'd be times I'd, I would, they told me to go to bed, but I just sleep underneath the coffee table because I could hear people. Sometimes I wake up, there would be nobody there.

And sometimes I'd wake up and there'd be a lot of people there. Sometimes it could be the middle of the night and I'd get up and nobody would be home. You know, it's just a normal thing. I didn't know that was not a normal life because I didn't know anything else different. And I'm not saying that made me an alcoholic. It just warped my thinking a little bit. But, you know, that's how it was growing up, you know, and, and today, man, my mom was only 19 years old when she had me, you know what I mean? And it took me

till I was 39 to realize that I was a problem. So I, I can't imagine at 19 trying to raise a little kid like me, 'cause I was not what you call a

good kid, you know what I mean? I was one of those kids. I mean, I robbed a kool-aid stand when I was little and tied a kid to the clothesline pole. You know, I, yeah, I just, I was just one of those kids. Had an enthusiasm for life is when my grandma used to say

I. I remember what happened. For me, my life changed is when I was going into the 1st grade. I remember I was at home watching Happy Days.

Finally, somebody knows what that show is. You know, I spoke out of young people's meeting. Like what?

So I'm watching Happy Days and then at this time I have all the lights on in the house, I have the blinds all drawn. I have the TV as loud as I could get it. I had a TV on in my moms room and I had a stereo going in the kitchen because I wanted people to think there was a party going on there. And I'm watching Happy Days and the phone rings and, you know, my grandma is just one of those people that

she's too invested in me, you know what I mean? So she calls and she asked me what I'm doing. I told her I was watching Happy Days. She asked me if I'd taken a bath. I said no. She asked me if I'd eaten anything. I said no. She said, do you have your clothes at least laid out for school tomorrow? I said no. She said, what exactly are you doing? I said, well, grandma, just watching Happy Days. I haven't planned any of that stuff ahead, you know what I mean? And she said, well, this is what I want you to do. I want you to watch Happy Days. When it's over, I want you to take a bath. I want you to get something to eat. And I want you to lay your clothes out for tomorrow. And when you go to school, be nice to everybody and listen to what the teacher says.

I said, all right. And she goes, let me talk to your mom. I said, my mom's not here. She goes, what? Your mom's not home. I said, no, she's at this, She's at the Tavern. The phone number is 282-4440. If you call there, just ask for Darla like she didn't know her daughter is, but ask for Darla. And this guy will tell you it's going to take a couple minutes. She'll come to the phone. She's going to tell you she's having one more pitcher of beer and she'll be home. And my grandma said, give me that number again. And I gave it to her. And she said, sweetie, soon as your show is over, you know, doing those things I asked you to do and then go to bed. And I said, all right,

I'm watching Laverne and Shirley and.

And I hear this knock at the door and I mean it not like AI hear a beating at the door. I'm like, oh, man. So I think somebody's breaking in. So I crawl underneath the coffee table and I'm just praying it goes away, you know, And then it's at the window beating on the window. And I'm like, oh, man, they're coming through the back door now and it's just going bad. And and all the sudden I hear my grandma say, Jason, open up the door. It's grandma, man. I just felt better, you know what I mean? It's like you're free. I just man, it's going to be all right. And I open up the door. My grandma's standing there and look, she looked like she was mad. She looked like she was crying. She looked sick. I mean, she just looked,

she didn't look happy, you know what I mean? And she said, grab your stuff, you're coming to live at our house. Man, I thought I'd won the lottery. I didn't know what it was. But you know what? Grandma has Rice Krispie treats. She has homemade popsicles, she has cookies. And there's no limitation on anything,

you know what I mean? And I was like, right on, I'm in, you know what I mean? I didn't ask Haiti run this by my mom or anything like that. I just got my stuff, got in her car, got to her house. And I ran through the front door and I'm headed to the kitchen to get the Rice Krispie treats. And I hear this. Hey, what are you doing? I turn, there's my grandpa sitting in his chair, said, well, I'm going to get a Rice Krispie treat. He goes, what are you doing here? I said, well, I live here now, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

And I remember he didn't look at my grandma. He didn't say anything like hey, what are you thinking? He didn't. He just looked at me and he said yes you do buddy, come here. And I got up on his lap and I fell asleep every night on that guys lap, probably the next four or five years because he made me feel safe. I found out later my grandma didn't run it by him. She didn't ask him, hey, I'm going to bring Jason home because that would have been probably a debate. She just brought me and he just accepted me, you know. And what I found out, man, my grandpa and I were,

I'm a, I'm six or seven years old. He's retired railroader. And he's looking at me and I'm looking at him. There's a lot of times we had those awkward silence, like first dates where he would sit there and he'd just look at me and I'd look at him and what are we going to do? And I'm thinking, I don't know. And, you know, and then we get in the car and go somewhere,

you know, and he was the kind of guy that just, he was always present. You know, he, he's one of those guys that if you dropped a dollar on the ground, he'd spend $5 getting it back to you. He was just a good guy. He's just, he, he paid his taxes. He, he, he was a Little League coach. He was a Boy Scout for my uncle. I mean, he was just a good guy, you know, and he got this little kid that's just not,

I don't know if anybody has a kid, grandson or a nephew or niece. I was that kid, you know what I mean? I was, I wasn't a bad kid, but I was like, I mean, one time I stole the neighbor's cat three times. And, and the only reason I remember the reason the first time I stole it is 'cause I wanted it. It was a kitten and I put it in my closet and I was going to keep it. And then they put an award sign up for like $5 and I went and got it back, gave it back, you know what I mean? And it works so good. I did it again, you know what I mean? And then I helped to make the signs and,

and the third time I did it,

I went to get the cat out of my closet. My grandpa was standing there goes let's go. And it wasn't until years later, I was telling somebody was telling the story and my grandpa, I go, I think I would have got away with it if I hadn't helped made the signs. He said you would have got away with it. You wouldn't have kept stealing the same cat all week long. You know what I mean? But I was that kid. I was just, you know, I was just one of those kids that didn't think anything out. I was just excited, you know, and I remember when our our relationship kind of changed. He bought me a BMX bicycle back then. It was when they first came out,

one of those that had hand brakes and you could write it everywhere you wanted to go in the mud and the dirt. And I thought, man, I have arrived, right. And so as soon as he got me that bicycle, I took it on our back porch and I I fixed it up. You know, I lowered the seat, I put the handlebars forward and I started taking the brakes off. And

yeah, I don't, it sounds bad now, but back then it really was a great idea. You know what? So as I'm taking these breaks off, my grandpa comes out and says, hey, buddy, what are you doing? I said, well, I'm fixing up my bike. He goes, well, what exactly are you doing?

I said, well, I lowered the seat, I put the handlebars forward and now I'm taking the brakes off. And he says to me, he goes, how are you going to stop?

That's a good question. So I walked around and did what he does. I rubbed my head like this and I looked at it and I said, well, this is what I think I'm going to do. I'm just going to drag my foot on the tire and when it slows down, I'm just going to jump off.

And he looks at me and he says, well, when you crash, land on your head because you have nothing up there to hurt. And he walked off. You know what I mean? And I thought that old guy doesn't know anything.

So that May my buddy came over and said, hey, let's go ride. And I said, Yep. And as I'm bringing my bike. So where I grew up, everybody parked in the street and there was a grass and then a sidewalk. Then we had about 25 concrete steps and then a sidewalk and then about 5 wood steps up to a front porch. And I'm bringing my bike around and my buddy Sean says, hey, I bet you can't ride your bike down them stairs. I said, Oh yeah, I can. And so I took it up on the porch. And he was right. And by the time I by the time I got halfway down the concrete stairs, I couldn't get my feet off the pedals and I slammed into my grandma's car and split my head open on

and you know, that living skills I had them were flee and cry. And so I just started crying. And she came out and she's asking me questions that she's not waiting for the answer on. Like, what were you thinking? What are you doing? Are you crazy? What is the deal? You know, and you're like, I don't know what I was thinking, you know what I mean? So we go in there and she's wiping me up and she tells my grandpa. She says, Gerald, you need to take him to the doctor. He needs to get some stitches. And my grandpa hadn't even got out of his chair. You know, it's like a typical Tuesday for him, you know what I mean? It's like he's watching the news and he gets up kind of

mad. He grabs his keys and as we're walking down the stairs, he says it's a good thing You took them brakes off, huh? And I said, yeah, but I landed on my head. And and that's basically how our relationship was. All the rest of my life. That guy was there for me no matter what. When I would get a speeding ticket or I'd get in trouble with the law or I'd get an MIP and I forget to go to court because that's what you do. He would go to the court and tell him where I worked, where I lived and what I was driving and how much money I made. I'm like, can you even do that? I did it. Oh, my God. So he's that

guy, but he would bail me out. I mean, he was a guy would bail me out all the time. Come to find out later, the only reason he was bailing me out because my grandma,

my grandma, on the other hand, is the lady that loved me no matter what. And I hope everybody in here finds somebody in their life or has some in their life. Maybe it's a friend, a family, a teacher, something like that, that just believed in you. They just always saw the good inside of you that always knew, you know, you know, my grandma, I remember I was in school one year and in the first three weeks I, I don't think I saw a recess because I just didn't seem to make have self-control. And so I was in this room a lot, and

I remember I was leaving to go home to catch the bus and the teachers called me to the office. And when I got to the office, my grandma was sitting at this table

and there is a principle and a couple other teachers and the counselor or whatever it is sitting on the other side of the table. And they had all this paperwork and they started telling my grandma all the things that I had done that week or the last three weeks. And now remember, my grandma had that look on her face that she had before where she she looked like she wanted to cry, but she didn't cry, you know. And after they got done saying everything they could say about me, my grandma said, you know, can I say something? They said, sure you can't, Hazel. And she said,

you know, I'm not going to deny Jason didn't do any of those things because he lives at my house. I get it. You know what I mean?

But he's a good kid. There's a good person inside of there. And the reason I know there's a good person inside there because every morning he runs down to Mrs. Harrington's house and he throws her newspaper up on the porch so she doesn't have to walk down the stairs. And Shane, the young man at the store whose simple minded. Every time I see Shane are at church, the first thing he asks is where is Jason? Because when Jason's around, nobody picks on him. And Jason always picks him first for the sports. So I know he's got a good heart and he's a good person. I think we need to figure out how to tap into that. And I and I had the best

school year I ever had because people looked at me in a different way. I was mad at Shane. I didn't take the newspaper for a while,

but you know what I mean. I she always saw that. She always saw the good. And I remember being I was in church one Sunday, and yeah, that's when my grandma drugged me every Sunday. God was going to help me eventually. And the problem was my grandpa would Take Me Out on Saturdays. And this Saturday before this Sunday, he took me to the rodeo.

And so when I got to church on Sunday, I was going to be a rodeo guy. And Needless to say, I got kicked out of Sunday school class like a usual. And, and we went to a Baptist Church and there was no beepers or timers or, you know, they didn't have like your name didn't come up and flash on the screen. They came down to the fifth aisle on the left pad and my grandma on the shoulder and made her come out of church. And this happened like weekly. And I remember I'm sitting in this office and this guy's lecturing me on certain things and I'm just kind of trying to ignore me. My grandma walks into the office and she says, let's go. And she didn't look happy.

I said, all right, now as we're walking out, the sky says to my grandma. She says, he says, Hazel, maybe you should keep Jason home from Sunday school till he can learn to use some self-control. And my grandma turned around and put her finger right in his face and said, listen. But the enthusiasm he has for life and the heart he has inside of him, he might just be the next pastor of this church. I said, whoa, I don't want to be a pastor. I want to be a rodeo clown.

He got color back in his face. And I was like, my grandma says that's cute, get in the car, You know what I mean? But here's the thing. When we got in that car and we were driving home, she goes, you want to be a rodeo clown? I said yeah, she she said you'd be the best rodeo clown you can be.

And that's just the way she was. She always had my back. She was always there for me. She,

she always saw something, you know what I mean? She saw something in me that I didn't see and I didn't care to see. You know, I started drinking when I was in the 6th grade when I got that dog on bicycle. I went over to Buddy's house. There's three of us. We're going to sleep in the backyard. His mom said, I ordered you guys a pizza. We're going bowling, stay in the yard. There's $10 on the counter. Stay in the yard, don't get in any trouble. All right, You know, And then I wouldn't do that to my kids, but that's what they did back then. And

Needless to say, when the pizza came, my buddy Les says, hey, pizza tastes better with beer.

I said yes, it does. I hadn't had any effort to that point, but I thought it did. And he went downstairs and got a case of Lucky lager beer.

Yeah, it's nasty. And he brought it up and we started drinking it. And I think he says I drank six. I think he just heard one of my CDs the other day. He's a normie. I used to say I only drank 2, but he said I drank 6 and and I got food poisoning and,

and I had to ride my bike home, right. And with no brakes. So there was my first DUI probably. Hum, I get home and, and I remember I go upstairs and I man, I just don't feel good. Everything spinning and it's just, it's not very fun. And you know, that night I was sick all night. And usually when I was sick, my grandma, what she would do, she would put the blankets down, she put a towel on the pillow. She get like a bucket and then and a night light and she'd open up all the doors so you could get to the bathroom and she would check on me every 10 minutes.

Nothing, crickets from that Lady, nothing all night. I'm sick all night and I'm dying and I finally fall asleep. The next morning I wake up and my grandpa's at the end of my bed saying get up. I'm like, get up, says get up, you're going to go to work. I was like, I don't even have a job, you know what I mean? He said if you're going to drink like a big boy, you're going to work like a big boy. Now get out of bed. And I was like, all right. And as we're walking out, my grandma hand me a egg salad sandwich. It was still warm and some warm milk and told me have a great day.

Yeah, it it gets worse.

So we go by and pick up Leif and Sean and we go pick strawberries. Yeah, it took me a long time to even smell a strawberry. So I'm out and I made $0.27 so I think that's illegal too. But

I'm picking strawberries all day and I'm getting sick and I'm picking strawberries and my grandpa sitting on the back of his truck reading his paper, drinking his coffee, laughing. And I looked at my buddies and I said, man, I'm not drinking alcohol anymore. And they said you're not going to drink it. You didn't like it. I said no, I just don't want to work. You know what I mean? It's working things way overrated. So I quit cold Turkey. No a a nothing no done. And I did that till I became a freshman in high school and I became a freshman in high school. I started

this is where after I did some set work, I figured out alcoholism started fixing working for me is I, you know, we would drink on the weekends, but money I would start saving. I start saving my

money on Monday, Tuesday, I would say my lunch money Wednesday. I try to figure out who we're going to shoulder tap on Thursday so we could have the booze on Friday. And that's what our goal was is just to how we start on Monday to plan how we're going to drink on Saturday and Sunday. And in between that we just played sports. And then we get drunk and, you know, I get an MIP because, you know, somehow I ended up with a tap to a keg and you just don't run without it, you know what I mean? I found out it's easier just to get yelled at for having a a keg and a tap then it is to not have a keg and a tap, you know what I mean? So I'm willing to sacrifice a little bit of,

you know, I think they suspended my driver's license until I was 18, which is no biggie. I didn't have a car,

but I would just get in trouble, you know what I mean? But I didn't get in a lot of trouble. Every time I got in trouble or I got a minor in possession or something like that, my grandma would just come get me from the jail and she would take me to church. They would pray for me. Everybody say, oh, Jason's going to be all right. And then I do it again the next weekend. Sometimes I got caught, sometimes I didn't get caught. You know, in 1989, alcohol did something that changed my life. You know, I was at this is a police report, so it's kind of hearsay.

Um, supposedly I, I stole somebody'd motorcycle, but I think I, it was my friends motorcycle. I thought and, and I got in a high speed chase and, and I woke up in a life flight helicopter and remember screaming, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive. And the lady said, we know you're alive. And I asked her what's going on. She said, you know, you're in a drunk driving accident. You have a one out of six chance of saving your left leg and a three out of five chance of living. I said, what's that mean? She says you're going to live, but you're going to lose your left leg.

And at that moment in time, I didn't really care. I just wanted to live. And you know, I came to and I was in a hospital room and there was a officer at the end of the thing reading me my rights kind of stuff and and asking me questions. And I asked him, how do you know it was me? He said I left with the motorcycle eyes at the crash site pretty much sums it up. And what happened there is I got in a little bit of trouble and lost my drivers license some more. But what really happened is inside his alcohol started affecting me

because when I was in that hospital, I told myself I'll never drink or use anything ever again. You know what I mean? And I was just thankful nobody else got hurt. But what happens when I got out? That guilt, that shame and that fear that these guys, these old timers talk about, that anxiety inside your stomach. I didn't know what to do with it. And the only way I could get it to go away was to drink. And that's what I did. I just drank as much as I possibly could. And you know, when you're in that kind of situation, people feel sorry for you. So they let you sleep on their couch and you run that

out till it gets to another thing and then you run that friend out till it gets to another thing and you run that friend out.

But I always drink. I just work the system. And, you know, eventually I got to a point where I couldn't lower my standards to keep up with my quality of life because I was living in places that had hoses for you got hose water out of somebody else's house and put it in the toilet. I didn't know. I like candlelight so much. You know, I was living in a house that when the police came, nobody knew whose house it was. But before the police got there was everybody's house. It was just, that's how life got. You know, what happened is my grandma would come and try to find me. She'd send my uncles to look for me

because or they would come and find me and they'd say, Jason, you need to call your grandma because she won't leave us alone. Every All she's doing is she's calling all your friends. She's calling everybody. Anybody seen Jason? Anybody know where Jason is? You just need to call her and tell you're all right. And so they would take me to a pay phone and I called my grandma and I told her I love her. And I said, I come see her the next day and I wouldn't go. No, I didn't go because I was a bad guy. I didn't go because I just drank. That's the only way I knew how to do that. And that was the life I was running

and and I and I worked it as best as I could. You know what I mean? I got to that point where

I got to that point where you realize that you're a piece of crap and you're not going to be amount to anything and you're OK with that. And that's a scary place to be. And on December 4th, 1997, my one of my uncle Leroy's came to this house I was staying at and he said, come on, you got, you need to go to the hospital. Your grandma's been taken off of life support. You need to say goodbye. And I said I don't want to go. He said I didn't ask you if you want to go. And he said you're getting in the car. And so we got in the truck and he gave me a pint to drink

and it just made it all right for the ride. And I remember walking into Portland Adventist Hospital and I remember going up in the elevator when I came out, all my aunts and uncles and cousins were sitting in this like waiting room where the ICU is. And I, I didn't make eye contact because I didn't need anybody to let me know that I was a piece of crap. I knew it, I felt it. I understood that I just didn't want to. I just didn't want to be there, you know? And I remember seeing only two or three people could go into a time at the room she was in. And I remember I watched my grandpa come out

and I hadn't seen my grandpa cry ever in my life. And I watched him cry and he's rubbing his eyes. And he walked right by me. And he went to one of his friends and my aunt came out, said, you know, you need to come in here. Grandma's been off for all morning. And

she hasn't came, she hasn't opened her eyes in quite a while. So you just need to say your goodbyes and you need to get out of here. And I said, all right. And, and, and the thing was, is my my aunt was kind of mad because she said, you know what? Every time before they took off life support, all my grandma ever asked, has anybody seen Jason? Has Jason been here yet? Did I miss Jason? Does anybody know where he's going to be here? And so they were kind of mad at me. And I went in there and I grabbed my grandma's hand and I said, Grandma, I love you. And she sat right up

and opened her eyes, you know, And I got to talk to her for a few minutes, you know, and my grandpa came back in and some other people came in and remember

just feeling like, I don't know how you can explain. I just had this. I just, I just felt like somebody was kicking me in the stomach, you know, And I, I told her grandma, I'll be back tomorrow. I love you. And and as I was, I was leaving, my grandma tells my uncle Gary, she said he's a good kid. There's a good kid inside of there and he's going to do something with his life, you know, and, and I left and I never went back. I told my uncle Leroy, I'll just walk home. I didn't have a home. I was just walking,

you know, because I just, I was embarrassed and shamed, you know, and a couple days later, my uncle Dale come and found me. And he said your grandma passed and there's going to be a memorial on Wednesday. And I said, all right. He said, I'll come back and pick you up at 12. I said, all right, you know. And when he came to pick me back up, I didn't answer the door, you know, because I didn't know. I just all I know how to do is drink.

I was embarrassed. I was scared, I was ashamed. I knew I was a failure. I knew as a piece of crap. And so all I could do was drink. And I remember hiding in this closet drinking gold slogger, trying to get it out of that situation. And you know, The thing is, is I,

they're a beating on the windows and I can hear them out there yelling, you're going to regret this when you get older. And you know, and I did, you know what I mean? I didn't go to the funeral. I just didn't go, you know what I mean? I and, and, and I remember people telling me, why would you do that? How could you do that? I didn't do that because I'm a bad person. I do that because I'm an alcoholic, you know what I mean? And at that moment in time, that's the best roll the dice I had was not to go. I thought in my mind, if I don't show up, everybody's life is going to be a little bit better.

And, you know, and that's how it was, you know, the next two or three weeks. It got to the point where I was drinking so much that alcohol wasn't really doing anything.

And you know where you get that stupid moment of clarity like you think, man, I might have a problem. And I did. And so I called my I called my uncle from my pay phone. I said, hey, are you going to church? And he said, yes, I am. I said, can I meet you there? Because I knew he wouldn't beat me up at church and and I knew he was going to beat me up. I just, we're the closest of age and he's like a brother to me. And he said, yeah, meet me there. So we go to church and we're sitting in the 5th row where my grandma always sit and nobody's really sitting by me. I kind of smell because I haven't showered in a while. I haven't. Nothing else is working in my body, you know, the alcohol

work. And I kind of feel like I'm sweating from the inside out and I'm just shaking and I'm scared. And I'm sitting there and they start singing these songs like how Great Thou Art, you know? And then they start singing Amazing Grace. And I just got caught up in the moment. You know what? I looked at my uncle. I said, man, I think I got a drinking problem. And the whole church went quiet,

he said. The song was over.

He's in the program. And I and he looked at me. He goes, you think I said, well, geez, I might have a drug problem. It makes you feel better about yourself. And he did. And he said, this is what's going to do when this service is over. You're going to come to my house. You're going to shower because you stink, and we're going to talk about it. And I thought, man, this is what I thought. He was going to give me $20 a meal and wash my clothes and send me on my way. So I go to his house and I'm in the shower and I come back out and there's a phone book on the thing.

He says you're going to go to treatment. I said I don't know what treatment is. He says call the hospital's, you're going to go to treatment. And I was like, whatever. All right, so nobody's open on Sunday. Who,

what treatment center is open on Sunday? So I call Portland Adventist because it's the first one. And I said, hey, lady answers my phone. I told him I think my uncle thinks I have a drinking problem and I need treatment. Well, they passed me over to somebody and they started talking to me right away. And we come out of this argument or talk or debate and

wherever I was the problem or he was the problem or they are the problem. And what we decided on is I would come to their office at 8:00 the next morning. We do an intake interview and and go over some evaluations and stuff like that. And I said, that's great, just get you off the phone. I looked at my uncle, said, hey, I got an appointment at 8:00 tomorrow morning. Give me 20 bucks, I'll meet you there. He said no, Yeah. And let me tell you something. He says he has a leather couch. It's plastic.