The Pine Lake speaker meeting in Issaquah, WA

On behalf of Saturday Night Live at Pine Lake Speaker meeting, please help me. Welcome to night speaker Matthew M from Gig Harbor.

Good luck with that.

Thank you. My name is Matthew, an alcoholic

Pixie wanted me to assure you that I'm actually an out of town speaker. I just moved here. I don't want my credibility to drop or anything because I live in Washington now.

It's a pleasure to be here. Thank you Pixie. Thank you Mark for inviting me. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I always feel honored when I get an opportunity to try to do this. I can tell you from the outset that I will fail at describing to you what's happened to me at Alcoholics Anonymous. My sobriety dates May 16th, 1993

and after about 1995, the expansiveness and the gifts were more internal and indescribable. So we're stuck with the story and I'll do my best to convey to you what recovery means to me and what my experiences with it. I I love Alcohol Anonymous so much and I joke about this, but it's actually true. If you pick up anything in my house, including my children and turn it upside down, it says property of Alcoholics Anonymous on the bottom. And you know some people circumcise. We brand and

just don't want to lose them. But I also really try to make an effort when I, when I have the opportunity to do this is to really talk a little bit about what it was like and, and describe what happened and, and all the things that have happened in recovery. Because I love recovery and recovery is really what we're here to talk about. And one time Patio yelled at me because she said you have to tell them what it was like so that they know you're really an alcoholic

and then they can trust you.

So in honor of Patio,

I'm going to tell you about a wedding I went to about six months before I got sober, and hopefully that will describe to you enough of what it was like. By this time that this wedding happened, I had been unemployed. I like to say I've been fired from the last job that was beneath me.

I a few months before that

and this wedding, I've been sitting on my couch drinking, and sometimes at night I would put a gun in my mouth and pray that I could shoot myself because

I didn't know how it wound up where I'd wound up. When I got sober on May 16, 1993, I weighed 108 lbs and I weighed 169 bucks, 172. I just weighed myself yesterday. Water weighed.

So I tell myself I weigh 172 lbs now and I'm not any taller than I was on May 16th.

So I don't know. I was kind of skinny before I went to this wedding. I don't know what what I weighed. I got weighed on my way into rehab. That's how I know that.

But this wedding, I had gone to a small Catholic school in Redondo Beach in the 70s, which is a very confusing thing. It's confusing anyway, I think. But walking to school at the beach and Redondo Beach in the 70s and the sexual revolution is happening. And anybody see Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Yeah. Cameron Crowe enrolled in Redondo Union High School, which is right across from my Catholic school, to write that movie.

So that's what was happening

when I was walking in my uniform to Catholic school and they would throw rocks at us, the people from Redondo High. So I was a persecuted Christian in the 70s and I didn't really care that much about the Catholic religion. My parents just sent me to the school, you know, so I didn't, I was very confused and it all led to all sorts of God problems later when a a happened. But, but the point of telling you that is I was, I had very close friends. I had five very close friends from first grade on. Because when you're a persecuted Christian in a small school, you, you bond

together and, and these, one of these guys, I'm 30 years old now, one of these guys is getting married. So these are my friends I've had since kindergarten. There are six of us and five other guys. And, and I've heard a lot in a, a, I've heard a lot from the podiums. And I had it too, that I felt like these guys were smarter than me, better looking to me, more talented than me, better at sports to me. I thought they hung out with me

out of pity. I felt like I everybody knew something I didn't know

when I was young. We still hang out together whenever we can. And if they do hang out with me out of pity, they're incredibly good people because I'm 54 and they've been doing this for quite a long time. But I just felt that way. And so, but as I grew up, my mother and father were very kind and loving. People used to say, hey, you really picked good friends. You have good friends or good guys and they're headed in the right direction. And I have a brother who's an alcoholic and he did not pick good friends.

And

I went to this wedding. I'm really skinny. I haven't haven't worked in several months. I'm hungover and I, I go to this wedding and, and all my good friends are there. All the people I grew up with there, all my parents friends are there. And I don't know if you've ever experienced this. I have a feeling you probably have if you're in this room. But I felt this clarity that I couldn't avoid that I was a disaster. I was listening tonight

be, you know, Impala, my Palace of Rock Hall a I'm Palace of rock. All my life is unmanageable. It was clear,

and it became really clear. Like I can keep that at Bay pretty well. I have some pretty good baffles for that. But at that wedding, looking at these people who are all getting married and moving on with their lives and had good jobs, and I was actually had been a rock'n'roll musician for 11 years on the road. And I think all I need to say about what it was like for me is I got thrown at, I got kicked out of a rock'n'roll band for drinking too much.

I thought I picked a safe career and but that's hard to do. And but I did that. I'm, I'm accomplished. And so I was a rock'n'roll musician on the road. I was making albums. And then I came back and I lost a couple jobs that were beneath me. And I wind up at this wedding and I'm at the wedding and I go to the reception. I don't even drink because I'm so full of like, clarity. It wasn't even self loathing. It was just like, Oh my God. It was just so clear all of a sudden that I had real, real problems that I couldn't avoid

alcohol and drugs. And, you know, 70s, we're part of that and a big part of that. So I wasn't even drinking at the reception. I remember sitting at the table at the reception looking at all these people and thinking, you know, my mother is dying of cancer in this town, and I haven't visited her in several months. And I really love my mother. And if I had a couple of 100 bucks, I could get my gas turned back on at my house,

I could get a job, I could start doing the right thing. And it just seemed like it's all of a sudden I felt like I could do that. And I looked at my date and I remember being embarrassed about my date,

remember thinking, God, you know, she's way too young for me. I'm with all my friends and I have to break up with this girl, which was going to be really awkward because she was six months pregnant.

I'm not running for president. I'm speaking at an A, A meeting.

I don't really know what you expected, but I don't want to lie to you. That's what I thought

and be kind of useless,

but I did, I actually thought, how am I going to dump this girl? Like now, you know, and I don't care what you think of me. But so I, I, I think if I had $200.00, if I could get my gas turned on, if I could figure out how to end this relationship, if I could get a job, God, you know, I want to be like these people. I want to be like them like I used to be. And it was so clear and it was so powerful. And I remember thinking, I got to go call my mother right now.

And my mother and father were still married and they were married for 50 years. And I, and I went into this, there's a big Marriott. It's actually where they have the convention in, in Southern California, but had a lot of ballrooms. It was geared for this kind of stuff. And I think there was like a wedding reception that I was at and there was a bar mitzvah and there was another wedding reception. And I walked into this, this like little room boot like walls of phone booths. And I'm thinking, I'm just going to call my mother. I'm going to tell her I love her. I'm going to go see her after this wedding. I'm going to tell her all about it. I'm going to get a couple 100 bucks and get my gas turned on. And

I'm going to start living right like I used to live. And I really knew that I was going to,

and I picked up the phone and I started dialing my mother's number. And I looked down underneath the phone and there was an envelope just randomly in this phone book phone booth. And I, I opened it up and it had four $100 bills in it, some probably a wedding gift or bar mitzvah gift that somebody forgot. And I hung up the phone

and I walked right out the door and I disappeared for two weeks.

That's what it was like for me.

I wanted to stop drinking long before I could stop drinking

and I wanted to stop doing all the other unmanageable stuff. You know, I didn't get kicked out of that band because I drank too much. I got kicked out of that band because I drank too much and all the behavior that went with that. So on May 16th, 1993, well, actually I should tell you, May 14th, my, my brother calls and he says, hey, it's Mother's Day tomorrow. And he said, I know you're having car trouble. Now. I come from an Irish Catholic family and we're very polite. And my car. Trouble was I had

to a car

and that was it. I just didn't know what a car was. And, and we don't like to offend anybody. So we call that car trouble and an Irish family. And he said, I know you're having car trouble. And he said, so I just want to make sure you show up for Mom's Mother's Day because if we think it might be her last. And I remember thinking, why would he say we want to make sure you're going to show up? Like I'm already mad, right? I'm the youngest of four in Irish Catholic family. I'm the youngest by 7 years and they're all a year apart,

feeling I was unplanned, but no one ever lets out my friend, you know, and an Irish family, if there's an elephant in the living room, we make a coffee table out of it. So that's how I grew up. And and I remember thinking, why would he think I'm not going to show up? So I'm already mad and it isn't even Mother's Day yet. And I hang up the phone and I did not realize that I had been calling my mother in the morning, in the afternoon, sometimes at night and saying, mom, I want to come see you. I'm going to come visit you. And I remember vaguely

doing that a couple of times and she would say the same thing every time. She would say that would be lovely,

darling.

And I never went. I didn't go once, and apparently I called about 30 times.

So that's why my brother said we just want to make sure you're going to make it. Now, my brother

was 12 years sober at the time, and nobody really knew what was wrong with me. I have two degrees from a good university, I played in a reputable rock'n'roll band, and I had a couple jobs that I couldn't seem, couldn't seem to stay with. But I wasn't going around, so nobody knew what was wrong with me. So my brother comes the next day to pick me up. And, you know, the plan was,

you know, go get flowers, go get a really good Mother's Day card, take a shower, put clean clothes on, you know, stuff like you do for people. And but what happened was I stayed up all night drinking again. And I looked out the window and there's his car.

And I can't believe it. I look at my watch and go, God, I don't have flowers. I don't have a card. I haven't taken a shower in a long time. So I ran into my room and I put a clean shirt on and I ran outside and I got in his car and he looked at me and he was stunned. And I didn't know why. You know all I don't know about you. I don't know what they do in Washington. But all the mirrors in my house were on the tables facing up,

so I don't really know how I looked.

Don't judge me,

whatever, but uh,

I didn't know that I looked terrible. I didn't know you could see my skull,

so I got in a car and he drove me to Mother's Day and I ruined it.

I don't know what I did, but I ruined it.

I know that we left early.

I'm kind of grateful that I don't know what I did.

I remember they looked at me and everybody turned away from me

and my brother drove me home and he dropped me off and we were arguing when he dropped me off. And I don't know what we're arguing about. We've actually since talked about it and neither one of us can remember. And I remember getting out of his car and I'm angry still. And I go into my house and I'm thinking I'm sick of being the little brother. I'm sick of losing all the arguments. I'm sick of everybody being so condescending to me. And this is what I love about Alcoholics and alcoholism.

I weigh 108 lbs. I've stolen money from everybody I know. I have warrants out for my arrest.

I have people who want to kill me who have warrants out for their arrest.

Very layered in my life and. And I felt like I had the moral higher ground.

Anybody relate to that? Yeah. So I was lining up my arguments. I'm pacing around my living room and, you know, stepping over empty bottles and, like, fast food containers, really angry that my brother, who's sober and clean and lovely and smart and honest, is such a jerk. And, and I I call him up and I just. I waited till he got home. And I lived in Redondo Beach, right on the beach. In fact, I lived in like where that door is.

It was down a hill, but the ocean was down there and I was kind of a night owl.

And I remember I used to walk around my apartment. Go. What is that noise?

He goes. He goes,

you know, constant. And I remember I I oiled my screen door once like every 15 minutes one night as an obsessive compulsive exercise.

Turns out it was the ocean.

I did not know because I didn't visit it. I stayed in my apartment,

but I wait till my brother gets all the way back to Lawndale, which is about 20 minutes, 25 minutes. And I called him up and I just started screaming at him. And I lined up all my arguments and there was a lot coming out of me, a volcano of a lifetime of being told that I was going through a phase, you know, And I went off on him and I, I, it wasn't a discussion, it was a diatribe. And when I got done yelling at him, I was standing there in this moment of grace happened.

And I was told early in sobriety by my sponsor that grace is an unwarranted gift that you didn't earn. And this moment of grace happened. I'm standing there screaming at him and I run out of steam and then quietly into the phone, he says. Matthew, I think you have a problem with alcoholism.

That wasn't the grace. OK,

I've been fired from this job. The day I got fired from that job, I was a manager of a restaurant and I got fired from the job and a waitress, my least favorite waitress, came up and said she's pregnant

with my child. I know, I know. I'm not a nice person. I hope that's clear.

Feel all this judgment but

and I had grin grazed with wonderful examples, right. My dad taught me to work hard. My dad was one of the best people I ever met in my life. He was a war hero. He fought in the Battle of the Bulge. He had a bronze star. My dad adored and worshiped my mother. My mother was not boisterous Irish person. She was a quiet Irish woman and she was observant and she was the reason I played guitar, because when I was a little kid and I wasn't getting picked for the team, she was a teacher watching me.

And she came over and said, hey, do you want to play an instrument? And it changed everything in my life.

She was sensitive to me, and my father treated her like

he taught me how to treat women. And my mother had this quiet dignity. And when that waitress was 8 1/2 months pregnant, I pushed her down a flight of stairs.

Now, I didn't want to hurt her.

Course, I didn't want to hurt her.

I didn't want to hurt that baby. Who would want to hurt an onboard baby?

But she said we need to go to the doctor today. Maybe you shouldn't. I think she said party or drink or get high or whatever she said and I heard her scream at me to stop drinking, which isn't what happened. I know that now. But I just grabbed her wrists and I just wanted to get out of the doorway so I could close the door.

And I pushed it too hard.

And I, you know that feeling when you know you did that. And I slammed the door so I wouldn't have responsibility. And I went and I drank a whole bottle of gin, and I never looked to see what happened.

So the moment of grace wasn't that. My brother said, I think you have an alcoholism. The moment of grace is what happened next. I'm standing there with this phone in my hand, looking at the floor and out of my mouth, much to my surprise, comes the words. Of course I do.

And I didn't know I was going to say that. And I can tell you today, that was 23 years ago, almost 24 years ago. And I can tell you today what that phone felt like in my hand. I can tell you what was on the floor, on the grain shag carpeting. I can tell you what the dust mites look like, or the dust in the Venetian blinds slicing through the air with the light.

And the reason I think I can tell you that is because for just a minute I stepped into the present moment and I told the truth. And I hadn't been in the present moment for years.

And I said, of course I do. And then, being a comic family, my brother responded with the funniest thing anybody's ever said to me. He said don't go anywhere

and I go, OK, I was going to move to that end of the couch in October,

but if you got a plan,

I'll wait here.

I hadn't gone anywhere. I lived right next door to a liquor store. Subconscious alcoholic apartment shopping, right?

That guy, that liquor story was so great. I remember went over there once. I used to dig for change and pawn my guitars and I'd go over there in my pajamas and towards the end I bought some liquor. And he goes, Matthew, you got a problem and your problem tells you that you don't have a problem. And I go, what are you, the Riddler?

I just want to buy this.

And then I walked home going what does he mean? I got a lot of problems. I know all about my problems, you know, warrants and tigers and bears. And my brother says don't go anywhere. And one of the most beautiful parts of the story is he was on my porch and like 8 minutes and he lived 1/2 hour away. I remember being quite surprised. I had some drinking to do

and there he was. And, and I don't want to describe my apartment because I did that once and I've regretted it ever since. But he he walked in and he inhaled and went, let's go to the beach.

I don't know as a bachelor, but I,

we go down the beach and I thought my brother was going to take me to the beach and kick my ass and we I'd never drink again because we had other ways. We taught things in Irish Catholic families among my brothers and I. And he didn't do that. And I kind of wished you would, you know, I don't know how you felt the day before he got sober, but I felt so ugly inside

and like I was a huge secret. And I just wish someone would punch me in the face.

Someone. And I thought, well, this is going to happen. And we went down to the beach and we sat on this lifeguard stand and he started talking to me about how he felt the day my mother and father kicked him out of our house when he was 18. And I remember that because I was 11 years old. And I couldn't believe we did that to one of our own. But he put us through hell

and I start relaxing a little enlighten my 15th cigarette and he starts talking to me about how he felt when his wife and his son kicked them out of their hit their house. And I remember that because I was 14 and he called me, he had no one left in the world to call but his little brother. And I remember I said to him that day, why don't you stop drinking? And he said,

you don't understand and I didn't.

And then he started telling me how he felt when he lived in his car. And I remember when he lived in his car because I was in high school and I used to, if I had to take my my guitar and amp to school, I'd say, Dad, can I borrow your car? And I'd go super early in the morning and I'd drive around and look for my brother. My brother had a newcomer apartment. It was a 52 Gray primer Gray Cadillac with fence. Great apartment, huge. And

it was like a two-bedroom apartment. And I would find it sometime. Sometimes I couldn't. And I would just look in and if he was in it and if he breathed, he was always asleep.

I'd even, I just know he's OK. And if he wasn't there, I'd just leave a note. I love you Matthew.

And my brother starts talking to me about how I feel sitting on that lifeguard stand, and I don't even know he's doing it.

And I don't think anybody on earth knows how I feel.

And here he is, my own brother.

Now, I'd like to tell you that I had a moment of clarity and surrendered and but I ran out of cigarettes. It's the truth. That's why I'm here. I ran out of cigarettes and he kept talking. And I don't know about you, but I need like stepping stones of stuff to put in me so I can put up with you. And the booze is back at the apartment and we're stuck at the lifeguard stand and I'm out of cigarettes. So out of desperation, I said, you know, you're right, man. I, I, you're right. I got to go to a A

and he he kind of narrow. He looked down at me and he laughed

like the wise Buddha disappeared. And he laughed and he goes, dude, you're not going to a A, you're going to a hospital.

And I said a hospital. Yeah, that sounds like pretty extreme. I'm like, how how long do I have to go to a hospital? Because I don't know, like 30 days? And I'm like, dude, I can't do that. I'm busy.

Anybody else busy?

I hadn't left that couch

for seven months, but 30 days, you know, and I always joke about this, but I don't know what I was. This is what I like. Who's not going to pay my bills?

I'm that guy

who's not going to answer my phone. That's my job. I don't answer that phone. I don't know what what am I thinking? I can't leave all this, you know? And he ignored me, thank God. And but then an A poignant moment happened. We walked up to my apartment and he looked at me for a long time standing on the porch. And he said, hey man, please don't die.

I remember thinking he knows about the gun, and I was so embarrassed

that anyone knew that a Mitchell was putting a gun in their mouth at night.

Because here's my brother, Shiny, clean brother, you know,

and all I wanted in my life was to get to his side of the lifeguard stand. I wanted to be honest. I wanted to do what I said I was going to do once,

but he didn't know about the gun. He later told me, man, you look like you were about to die. He said Alcoholics die with a large hearts from heart attacks. There's all sorts of ways they die because your frame wasn't going to take this any longer. And I didn't realize I'd been doing this for years and I didn't realize how bad it was. And he'd seen it. And on May 16th, 1993, the phone rang. And the only reason I answered it is I thought it was my brother who was coming to get me. And it wasn't my brother,

it was this woman. And she said, hey, we've been looking for you. Your daughter was born this morning. Can you come to the hospital? And I can tell you honestly, I had forgotten about them.

And I said yes, of course, of course, now I had passed out. I'd been up all night getting ready for rehab.

We're not slackers, for God's sakes. You know, people think we're worthless. We're not worthless. We just have different values. And

I had passed out apparently on a Big Gulp, but I didn't know why my back was sticky. You know, it's a circumstance. And I had a these OR scrubs on because we used to wear those like 10 years before that to the beach. And I had a T-shirt with a big hole in it. And I thought I looked like Marlon Brando, but I look like a boat person and I had flip flops on. So I was ready to go to the maternity ward and

I grabbed my key to the car and I ran out into the sunlight

and boy, it was punishing that sunlight. It was my head really hurt and I didn't know where the car was. I thought this was a feudal exercise. And I ran around Redondo Beach and the punishing sunlight and I found the car and then I remembered why I lost it. It was an AMC. So I got in the car and it started up. Lots of grace happening today. It started. I had a whole bunch of parking tickets on my windshield, which I put back with their cousins in the back seat,

but in Redondo Beach usually get towed or booted, and I didn't. Lots of grace. Lots of grace. And you know, if you read the big book as often as I've read the big book. And I'm sure the people who come to a meeting like this are actively sponsoring people.

It says in many ways, and sometimes directly in the big book, that the problem about with an alcoholic is they're selfish and self-centered,

right? Well, this is a great example of that because I started up that car and I drove to the hospital where I was born.

It's where babies come from and

as far as I knew and they weren't there

in my towering 108 LB frame. Could not intimidate the volunteer elderly lady and to finding them in the hospital where they weren't.

And she kept saying, you can yell at me all you want, Sir, they're not here.

But I was yelling at her because I couldn't be this much of A failure. I couldn't take it anymore, everything I did. So I went out in the car and I put my head on the steering wheel. I just started crying. My God damn. You can't even go to the hospital, right?

And then in my head comes Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, the name of the hospital.

And I drove to the right hospital and I ran upstairs and I ran down the hall because I have to get to the next thing. I have to get to the next thing. I got my lizard brain going. I'm not thinking what I'm going to do. I'm not prepared for what's about to happen. I'm just doing the next task. And I run into this room and there's Anna

and I don't know if any of you seen a woman who's just had a baby, but she looks like a Picasso, like her eyes are over here. And he says, I thought this Elephant Man like boob thing going on and

and her hair was like matted to her head and

and I didn't particularly like Anna,

but I've never seen anyone more beautiful in my entire life.

She was radiating from the inside

and she got up. She's so happy to see me.

And the last time I saw her, I pushed her down a flight of stairs

and she was happy to see me. So I felt awful. And then she starts coming at me and I thought, please don't hug me. Please don't hug me. My back's all sticky. I don't know why. I have a I'm not really appropriately dressed. I just suddenly realized, and she stopped. Grace, lots of grace. And she turned and there was this rectangular plexiglass box and she pulled out. Phoebe Rose

and she handed me this beautiful girl,

and I always wish when I get to this part of the story, I could tell you that I felt an overwhelming love for that child,

but I did it. I didn't feel anything.

I felt disgusting.

I felt like they are beautiful and perfect and innocent and true and I'm filthy, disgusting animal and I don't belong here. And I held Phoebe for about 30 seconds and the first thing I said in front of my daughter was a lie. I handed her back to Anna and I said everything's going to be all right. And I was really thinking, I have to go home and shoot myself.

And I ran out. I was with him for a minute and I ran out and I prayed on my way down the stairwell. God, please make it so these two women never see me again because I'm going to do something to them. And I don't know what it is but it's going to be bad.

I got to my apartment, I was all ready for plan A with a gun and I get to my apartment and my brother stand on my porch with a double bag. He always, always messes up my plans

since I was little. And he goes, where have you been? And I said my daughter was born and he kind of looked at his shoes and he said, get in the car. I packed your stuff, Grace, grace, grace, Grace. And I go out in the car. Scariest day of my life walking into that hospital. Anybody remember what the 2nd scariest day is?

Walking out

30 days later I gained 47 lbs of the hospital. They weigh you on your way in and the guy went whoa. And then they weigh you on the way out. Same guy went, whoa,

he says you gained 47 lbs. Said wow, I was impressed because my body went thank you, God, no more gin and those little white Donuts, you know? And

and I just ate food and slept and did like what normal people did. And my brother drove me home and I was terrified. I was terrified. I felt like I just met my best friends for life at the 30 day rehab and I got to my apartment. Anybody else? Yeah, I don't even know where these people are. But And then my brother, he pulls us two hours from my house. He drives up to my apartment and he opens the door and he goes, hey man, go to a meeting.

I remember thinking he said, a, a people are a little intense.

I've been in a hospital for 30 days. I haven't seen Phoebe. I haven't seen my mother. I owe the IRS. I have to get a job. I have to cure cancer. I'm very, very my huge To Do List. But I lie. I lie. And I said, yeah, I was going. That's what I was going to do, total lie. And I walk up to my apartment and I open the door and somebody hands me a beer.

Actually, it wasn't a beer. It was a Coors. And you guys are from Washington. That's not beer, right?

And and they're snorting cocaine on my convenient mirrors and they're smoking pot. And I lived in that apartment by myself.

And I look in there and I think just for a second, and I back up and I put the beer on my porch and I ran away. Who hears in your first year of sobriety raise your hand? I don't want to tell you something. I want to be really honest. In case you haven't noticed, I have no shame. I did not have a connection to a higher power or foundation of recovery when that happened. I had 30 days clean and sober and I made this calculation.

All I've got in the world is 30 days

and I don't want to lose it to these people.

That's what it was like. I didn't know if I was going to see the Riddler at the liquor store.

I didn't know. I just knew I wasn't going in there. And I put the beer down and I ran to a paper and I ran to a paper booth. A lot of young people in here, they're glass and they're shaped like shaped like spaceships and they got doors. It's so hard to describe, you know, Google it. I

and I called Alcoholics Anonymous and I told the guy almost everything I've told you. I've been talking for about half an hour. I was like, you know, I really got a rock star. God, baby, you know, course. And,

and the guy was so great. He's like, yeah, I couldn't get a word in, you know, And then he goes, where are you? And I go, I'm on the corner of Redondo Beach Blvd. And I can see their glass, these things. And I looked out and, and he, and he flips through these papers. I could hear it through the phone. He goes, Oh my God, that's so weird. And I said, what? And he said there's an, a, a meeting right across the street from where you're standing. It starts in 15 minutes. Grace, grace, grace, grace, grace.

And I said, So what do you think I should do?

Like I kind of explained that I have problems. I don't have my fez, I'm not going to your meeting.

And it turned out I didn't lie to my brother,

Grace. Grace, Grace. I walked into that meeting. Actually, I walked her on the block because I was afraid

and then I went in the meeting and everything changed. So I have 1/2 an hour to tell you about recovery.

So that night, it's important to say that night I sat in that meeting and it was a big speaker meeting like this. It was called Stompers. It's not there anymore. And the guy was wearing a tie. I didn't know why. And there's lots of people. There was like 300 people there. And the guy put his hands on the podium and he started talking and I'll never forget what he said, he said.

And you guys are all like, yeah, man hitting, you know? And I thought, I am so screwed.

I can't even understand that guy.

Anybody have that feeling? I Yeah, right on. He's having it right now. And

and then I remember just for a second, I he turned and he goes, these are tools for living. And I thought, I have a degree in literature. I can read right? And I start reading these steps that for some reason at this meeting were written in Chinese.

I'm like, well, I came to, I got problems. I have issues. I don't even, you know, So I'm totally screwed. And I get up and leave the meetings over, and I'm walking out. And this friend of my brothers came up and he goes, hey, are you Neil's little brother? And I said, yeah. And he goes, I heard you look like crap.

And I go, I was 30 days ago

and he goes, can I give you a ride home? I said yeah, great. And where I ran here and

we're walking out and he's walking the parking lot and I'm slowing down and he's walking normally and I'm slowing down. He turns around and goes, what's your problem? And I go, well, I didn't, I can't really go home. And he said why not? And I told him about the the beer and the cocaine and,

and he thought for a second, he goes, don't your parents live near here? And I said, yeah, yeah. And he said, well, I can take you to your parents. And I said, no, man, you can't take me to my parents. Now, everybody, you raised your hand in your first year. I want to tell you something that took me years to learn. And it's really valuable. And I'm not kidding. There was my perception of what that was going to be like. And my perception was based on reality, Based on reality, like based on a true story

was that those people have been married to each other at that time for 45 years. My mother's dying of cancer. They're loser son with an illegitimate kid across town fresh out of rehab is not showing up on their porch tonight. I have embarrassed them enough. It would be awful for them. It would be humiliating for me beyond belief. It's the worst possible thing that can happen. That's my perception.

So the guy dropped me off at my parents house.

You guys don't listen to newcomers it turns out.

And my brother was from a really good a a group and they knew my mom was dying to cancer and they did stuff like paint my parents house

and help my dad out so they knew where they lived. I didn't tell him

and he dropped me off and I walked up to the porch and I wanted to disappear. I was so embarrassed and I didn't know I had nowhere left to live. I had nothing of my my belongings. And I'm standing there and my parents are from the Midwest. My parents are from Chicago. So they come to the door together and my mom strapped to oxygen. So I stood out there for what seemed like an eternity. It was probably 5 minutes. And they came to the door and they opened the door

and they were glad to see me.

It came out of their eyes.

So remember the perception. So reality was my parents were married to each other for 45 years and they were beside each other because my mother was dying of cancer. And the one thing that they were laying awake worrying about and praying for showed up on the porch and said, will you help?

It was perfect. It couldn't have been better. My perception was it was the worst possible thing in the world. My sponsor has frequently said, Matthew, do not mistake your perception for reality.

So I moved in there and it wasn't fun. You know, my dad took me back to my old bedroom, which now had all his camera stuff in it. He emptied out one drawer and fortunately left. They left the life-size poster of Eric Clapton I had put up there when I was 12. And I'm like, I'm back and

I got it, had a good run and here I am, you know, and then I, I know it sounds funny, but I talked to Eric almost every night. It was either that or mom and dad depression era, you know, and bad stuff's happening. So I would go to my room and sit there and talk to myself, but I pretend he was listening. And I got up that morning, that early that morning. I'm like, no, it's not a nightmare. I live at my parents house. I thought it was all the dream and I ran out. My dad's having breakfast. I go dad, I think there's a meeting. I got this meeting directory. I think there's a meeting at 7:00 in the morning. Can I