The Pine Lake speakers meeting in Issaquah, WA

On behalf of the Saturday Night Live at Pine Lake speaker meeting, please help me welcome tonight's speaker, Aaron S from Seattle.

My name is Aaron Swart and I'm an alcoholic.

I

I've been sober since July 14, 2003 due to Alcoholics Anonymous sponsorship. But God, that was,

I don't know, I was running away from and actions that I didn't necessarily believe in. My life has miraculously gotten better here.

It's pretty amazing. It's funny, you know, so people that I hear typically like either have a really funny speaker, you have a real serious speaker, you have a, you know, really sad speaker or whatever. And my honestly, I'm not, I'm just not that funny. So I apologize

everybody that's kind of looking for a laugh tonight. I have this problem. I, I take myself way too seriously and I just, I get nervous, you know, I'm, is anybody else as nervous as I am up here? I, I'll tell you like I'm, I'm standing up here thinking about all the things that I should say. And then I know that I just got to take a second, get quiet and let, let the guy do the work. Who's going to do the work? You know,

I

little bit about me. I've so said I'm from Seattle. I was here for like 8 months. I've since moved to San Francisco, South of San Francisco. People from San Francisco don't like being said that I'm from San Francisco when I live like closer to San Jose. They're just they're weird like that. I don't, I don't know what the deal is. There's all this city pride. I'm trying to figure it out. People in a meetings are like, wait, where are you really from? And I'm like, OK, it just you know, it gets confusing. And then before that I was in New York, and then before that I was in

Saw. And so I've been a pinball and Alcoholics Anonymous around the country. And just so everybody knows, there's enough people around the world and Alcoholics Anonymous that will tell me to shut up and sit down and listen to the message of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is what saved my bacon all the way through,

all the way through all those transitions. Because it isn't easy. But you know, that's, that's where we are. The other thing that I want to say is, you know

the guy that

is probably sitting there, guy or girl that's sitting there that didn't raise their hand, that's probably newly sober, that came to this meeting because they didn't really know where else to go. That's what I did,

but I didn't raise my hand and I didn't talk to anybody for a little period of time, and I realized that I'd missed out on a great opportunity. So the fact of the matter that I'm wearing a suit or I'm wearing a tie and a coat right now, there's not much distance between me and you. And what I'm going to try to do is share with you my journey into Alcoholics Anonymous is exactly how I got to have a life beyond my wildest dreams.

Despite my, what I think about it or how I feel about it, the actions that have been instilled in me and Alcoholics Anonymous that have enabled me to do things that I never thought were really going to be possible.

Um, so Needless to say, I'm, I was really grateful I had to come up here and kind of like get some things finished up for where I was living and whatnot. And there was no rain. I mean, it's just, it's amazing. Like no rain in January. It's like,

I don't know, I just, I wasn't expecting it. So I had the raincoat and the umbrella. You can tell I'm not from here because people from here don't carry umbrellas. You know, I, I got that lesson when I first got here. It's like, no, you don't carry an umbrella. You just get a jacket with a hood on it and you like go on without your day and you go from there. You get waterproof shoes and that's how you do things. But I came in and I saw all the mountains and I just, I thought, man, you guys are lucky here. You know, it's, it's,

it's beautiful when it's not raining. So the two days out of the year that you guys don't get rain, it's,

it's really quite pretty.

No. So what I'm going to try to do is share with you how it came into a conscious contact with God and how my life has changed as a result of that.

But before I do that, I'm going to share with you a little bit about what kind of guy I was.

You know, I was, I always have like a nervous disposition, you know, like I was always worried about what somebody was going to say or what somebody was going to think or, you know, like, why doesn't she like me? Why don't I wear the right clothes? What's wrong with me? I got to have that girl. I can't be, I can't be friends with these guys. I got to be friends with these guys and my for whatever reason, my head used to always spin like crazy. I don't, I don't know if that makes me an alcoholic

or what the deal is, but I just, I was always worrying like I used to go to bed at night laying on my back 'cause I like told myself that if somebody came in and stabbed me, it would like bounce off my belly versus go straight through my back. Like I'm just a crazy kid. I don't, I don't understand why. It just is, you know, and I have this idea, you know, and I'm, you know, young and I decided, hey, it's a good idea. Maybe we'll try these beers because you know that when you see the grown-ups drink, there's just like this

about them. It's like I just, it's like they're in the Gatsby movie, you know? It's like they're having fun. They're laughing at things that aren't funny. They're like everybody's getting along. And I'm like, God, I wanna do that because I hate how I feel right now. I literally don't like it. I'm always trying to impress people. I'm always trying to do different things, you know, like I'm the class clown when I need to be. I'm the class bully when I need to be. I'm like Rico's try to be Rico Suave when I need to be,

you know, it's just like and nothing ever lasted and nothing ever worked.

And I tried this, I stole these beers out of the refrigerator and me and my buddy snuck out of the house and I'm originally from Fargo, ND. And so we were in the middle of a field somewhere and

we cracked those beers and I drank my beer. And when I drank mine, about half of it disappeared

and my buddy spit his right out.

And I remember after I drank those couple beers, this warm sensation, I suck going down. I hated it. But I had known that it was going to do something for me because I'd watched it do something for other people along like a lot in my life. And so I drank that. And I just, I, I can, I can, I mean, I

as sure as I am here today, I can stand in that field and look up at those stars and remember to myself,

it finally fits. It finally fits. I'm no longer worried. I'm no longer scared. I'm right where I need to be. I literally would equate that to the first thing that I've ever had as a spiritual experience. I mean, it was like I had an auto body experience. I was finally, I didn't care the girl didn't like me. I didn't care those guys didn't like me. I didn't care that I wasn't the coolest. I didn't care. I wasn't the best looking. I didn't care any of that stuff. All I wanted to do from that point forward was feel that way

as much as possible. I loved it. Every minute of it.

I then pursue, you know, like when you're in 7th grade, you can't get drunk every single day. You still got to go to elementary school, you know, So it's like,

so, you know, but it left, it left something for me, you know, and my buddy like who spit it out, didn't want his. So of course I drank his. And you know, I just, I couldn't, I never understood, like I never understood how he didn't have the same reaction that I had, you know, and I that that began my drinking career. I, I had a great time. I love drinking. I mean, I'm, I am not. I mean I'm, I'm above average intelligence.

Like I'm just, I'm street smart. I'm not a dumb person. You know what I mean? Like I, I'm just, I'm not. It did something for me. It changed me. It gave me the ability to deal with life. It gave me the ability to engage with people. It gave me the hope and the

and the idea that my life was gonna workout like you ever have. Those days when you were drinking and all of a sudden it's like the worst day ever, you know, before you had a drink. You wake up, you go to work, somebody yells at you. They don't want anything to do with you. They tell you you're horrible at what you're doing. Why do you even get out of bed?

This doesn't even make sense. And you go and you have a couple drinks at the bar and you're sitting on the bar stool and you're talking to people and all of a sudden I'm a millionaire.

I mean, I got all the money in the world. I'm going to make every decision in the world. I know exactly how it's going to work. I'm going to tell you exactly how it's going to work. And I build this life up in these, in these moments with these guys, my Rd. dogs, the guys that would die for me, you know, the guys that the guys that love me so much, they would bail me out of jail. They would do all these things for me. That's what my head would tell me. And we would create these

realities while we were sitting in the bar of all these great things that were going to take place and then wake up the next morning and not remember any of it.

You know, it was funny. You know, it was like I used to, I used to think that I drank to find solutions to my problems. And then when I would wake up, it was like all the old problems were still there, plus like four more. You know, it was like it just never went away. I, I'm telling you, like I drank for a fact you ever have. Like I was the guy. I drank for fun. I drank for mad, I drank for sad, I drank for any emotion that I drank. For boredom, I drank

for sheer, like

just wanting to fit in with everybody else.

And then little by slow, things started to get removed from my life. You know, I was drinking all the time, as much as I possibly could. I had a chance to have a D1 basketball scholarship. And all of a sudden, you know, cops show up at a party, They decide I'm not supposed to be drinking. School board says no more drinking. You're kicked off the basketball team. Basketball scholarship goes away. So the good guy that I am,

I write this heartfelt letter about how it was a one time mistake and I swear I will never do it again. And I had the principal and the school board and a lawyer,

my family and everybody sitting around a circle in a room. And I read this letter crying, Would have passed a lie detector test saying I will never drink again.

You know what Aaron? We believe you.

Tell you what, Come back in five weeks and we'll tell you if we've reconsidered our decision.

So on the 4th week,

we're so close to it, you know what I mean? Like I, you know, it's like it's like I'm already home, you know, like I'm close to it. It's like I've done good the first two weeks. I had a couple drinks the third week. But you know, the 4th week have a couple of the boys over, moms going new movie, have a couple of the boys over. We'll drink in the basement. We'll call it a day. Everything's going to be fine. The problem is I just don't have an off switch. So like, I just go real fast, you know? Like

I was going to like time it out. I don't know if anybody else had this experience, but I was going to time it out. You know, it's like 1 beer and then a shot and then chill for an hour

and then one beer and maybe a shot depending on how I was feeling. Because, you know, I hadn't really been drinking for three weeks so I didn't really know. And after that beer and shot went down, I realized it'll be fine tonight. It'll, it's going to be OK. I'm going to have fun. It doesn't make any sense. And you know,

bad brakes, misunderstandings and people hating me, That's why I got caught that night. You know, I, that's the story of my life. Just a bad break,

bad circumstance. This cop hated me. I'm like, thoroughly convinced I've made amends to him still. But I yeah, he showed up at my door. There was four people in my house. He showed up at my door. Here's my smart idea. I turn off all the lights and I send my little brothers outside. Just tell them you got a little crazy with the music. It'll be fine, you know? And so, you know, little, you know,

you guys can figure the rest of the story out. There wasn't another meeting to reconsider the actions. You know what I mean? It was like it was all over. And

so, you know, because Fargo, ND had it out for me. The cops had it out for me. The school board had it out for me. My mom and dad didn't understand. Nobody wanted to see Aaron kind of rise to what he was. True potential. You know, it was time for a change of scenery. So I decided to move to Scottsdale and I'm, you know, the basketball that was going so well for me. Forget that. I'm going to try football. It's going to, you know, like I just changed everything. I snapped it like,

forget the fact that anything is wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me.

It's the outside world and how you handle what I bring to you. That's the situation. And so I'm just going to change all of you. I'm going to change every single one of you

and it went down there and all of a sudden I realized I had there's just no, I just, I don't, I drink different. I mean, there's just no other way to put I drink like a pig. I mean, I go out with a good, I go, I'll go out on a date and I'm having two or three drinks at dinner and then all of a sudden I'm like, you know, 12 in slurring my speech, going to the bathroom every 3 minutes, looking at her, she's dull. I'm like, get in a fight with her so that I can go and have fun with

other guys. And then she's like, yeah, she just, she didn't understand, you know, like,

she just didn't want to see Aaron's world the way Aaron's world was. And, you know, I drank for a fact for a long period of time. I,

I had a lot of fun. You know, I really did. I don't take back any of those days. I had a lot of fun. I school didn't go very well. Football didn't go very well. My roommates all wanted to move out because I was going absolutely crazy coming home at 4:00 in the morning with random people screaming all the time. So, you know, I thought my life was perfect. You know, all I needed to do is get a little bit more money.

So what I decided to do was like go to some of the local markets,

pick up some of the local, you know, crop and bring it across state lines. And,

you know, I, I get to Nebraska and some guy pulls me over and

he decides to, you know, search the car and, you know, my, my life changed at that point in time. But, you know, my dad came and he bailed me out of there. Cost a lot of money to do that. I was in some serious trouble and, and he bailed me out of there. And, you know, I went on, he brought me home and I got to stay in his house. But, you know, they only found about half of what was really in there. And so, you know, I'm coming home. I'm drinking beers out of the refrigerator,

you know, I'm getting high. I'm doing all the things, you know, I'm just partying in my dad's house. Meanwhile, I just got like taken out of jail and having no idea how serious this is whatsoever. And I go down for an in an arraignment and the guy reads the five to 55 years in prison. And all of a sudden I got a little nervous, you know,

So I'm going to go on the run. And that's exactly what I did. I told my dad, you don't know me. There's nothing you like. This is my life, stay out of it. I'm doing my thing through me out of the house, you know, like I'm like a spoiled, I mean little. I never really thought this at the time, but I'm like a spoiled brat. I got a phone, I got a car, I got money. I like, I'm never really worked a day in my life, you know what I mean? And I got all this stuff. And so he chucks all my clothes in the middle of January,

sold out into the middle of the snow, and he said get out,

get out of here. So I did and I went rip roaring into life like it wasn't even like I was invincible

trying to prove everybody that my idea of what Aaron's plan was gonna be was perfect.

So what I proceeded to do was get drunk every single day for six months, waking up in the morning with these big Grand Designs of how exactly I'm going to get my life together. I'm going to get a car, I'm going to go out and get a job. I'm going to, you know, I'll call my folks just so they know that everything is going well. I'll do all these things just so they know that everything's going well. Get some money coming in so I can stop couch surfing and occasionally sleeping in the park. You know, like

I'll, I'll, I'll get all these things going. So everybody sees that I'm doing really well, you know, and,

and that I'm convinced. I am like thoroughly convinced to do this. And I'm still feeling up about my life. Everything is going to be fine. Everything is fine. It's all good, right? And what starts to happen is I make that effort in the morning and something goes wrong and that thought comes across my mind. I can just do all this crap tomorrow.

And then I would go out and I would drink and I would get so drunk I would pee myself or puke myself and I would come home and I, you know, by that time I had, I have exhausted all the relationships in my life. So nobody really wants me around. The girl broke up with me. My friends don't want me around. No, I'm, I'm just like, I'm trouble. Like everywhere that I go, I'm like massively, I'm like, I'm just trouble.

And

I used to sneak into this basement where my where my buddies lived and there was it was like it was concrete and there were like blankets that were, I just threw them up into the corner and it was damp. And it was like literally this building was probably built in like 1930. And I swear the basement was never cleaned. There was like a bathroom down in the basement where there was like a dilapidated mirror up on the wall. There was the light that would flicker behind you. And there was a rickety sink that was sitting there. And I used to drink

till I would get physically so sick. I would wake up in the morning and I would go and I would look at that dilapidated mirror, at the husk of a person that was like looking back at me. And I would promise

I didn't want to quit forever. I just wanted to stop so that I could get my life back on track,

right? And that started the process of slowly ripping away every piece of moral fiber that I had ever had inside myself.

Because it's one thing for me to lie to everybody else,

but like who you lying to when you're all by yourself?

Who was I sitting there trying to? I was so furious. I would look back at that dilapidated mirror and I would try to that light flicker in behind me and I grabbed both sides of those sink and I'd be dry heathen. And I'd look up at that mirror and I'd say, I'm never going to do this again. I'm going to do I'm going to get a job. I'm going to be a good son. I'm going to be a good member of the community. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to do all these things right. And I just try to rip the sink out of the floor. I was so mad.

And I would set out to do those things during the day and then all of a sudden, you know, it's like some done go my way, the boys will call. I'll put that thought out my mind. Might as well just do this all over again.

I don't know, you know? I had no idea what was going on. I was so scared because it was like I didn't even know who I was anymore,

you know? Like it really freaked me out. So I had AI had a bit of a mental breakdown.

I I mean, I don't know, have you ever seen a grown man hit the floor and start screaming for his mom? That's exactly what I did. Like I I tell you, it was kind of it was actually it's pretty funny now, but it was, it was sad then, like I had a heart. It took me a long time to start laughing at this. But like I had shown up at some place that I wasn't wanted, you know, like you ever go to places and people look at you, you haven't showered in a while and they're like, why is he here? You can feel him whispering in the corner

and like, you know, like I'm stealing beer out of the refrigerator and I'm drinking and all of a sudden it's like it's not working,

You know, I can't get the relief. I can't get my present circumstances out of my life. I can't get my brain to slow down. I'm getting physically wasted. And I cannot get the, the ah, the feeling that it's going to be OK. I can't get the feeling. I just can't get the thoughts off me. Like everything piled up so high. It just felt like it was too much to take on. It was over. It was I just like I was thinking, man, if this doesn't work, let's just end it. It doesn't matter anymore,

you know? Like I'm laying on the ground. I'm so physically drunk, you know? Like I can't, like I just, I can't even get up, but I'm screaming at people to bring me more beers because I just desperately wanted to go away. Go away, go away. I peed myself by this point.

I'm like looking at people trying to make jokes of like how funny it is that I'm like peeing myself and I wake up from that spot and I'm like struck sober and I like hit the ground crying. So here's a guy 19 years old hits the ground crying, pissed pants, puke all over them, screaming I want my mommy. Like, I mean, it was it was pretty comical. I think I scared the crap out of everybody in the room because it was like I just popped two, you know what I mean? It was like it was crazy and I was crying UN

and I wanted my mom because that's what tough guys do. They want their mom whenever, whenever they get in trouble, you know, they want their mom.

So I get to my mom's house. My mom looks at me and says, I son, I think you're gone. You know what I mean? Like I don't, I don't think you're I, I don't know what to do for you.

Tell you what, mom, just give me a place. Let me get my let me get my life right. She, she said, she said you can't stay here. So what she did was she arranged for me to stay with a friend of mine, a friend of the family. So I stayed with their that family for three days. Now

a poor family.

I went crazy. Now here's the problem drinking it gotten bad, but sober is like you just can't tolerate it because I have this thing inside of me, right? The voice, the thing that tells you that life isn't OK. Why aren't why don't you have a job? You're never going to have a job. You're never going to drink again. Nobody's ever going to be your friend again. What are you going to do when you get married? You're not going to drink, you're not going to toast. Nobody's going to want to marry. You can't get a job because you nobody's going to drink with you. And if you don't drink with people, people aren't going to want to hang out with you.

You pace, you smoke cigarettes, you're walking around outside. You're like, why is that person looking at me? I don't have the right clothes on. I haven't showered in a little bit. I need a haircut. This doesn't make sense. I don't know what I'm doing. If I would have gone left instead of right, if I would have gone here instead of there, if I were to stop dating her and started dating her, my life would have been better. I wouldn't be here. Why am I here? It doesn't make sense. I'm uncomfortable. I'm hungry. I'm ripping through the cabinets. I don't understand why I can't get something to eat. So I'll just go to bed. If I go to bed, it'll go to bed, It'll go away. And tomorrow when I wake up, I'll be fine. And then all of a sudden when I go to bed, the volume gets turned

all the way up.

You're a loser. You're never going to amount to nothing. This doesn't make any sense. You're never going to get there. You know you're going to drink. It doesn't matter. Why even stop? You're just lying to people. Just cut it off and leave everybody alone. You know what? You should just go to prison. Turn yourself in, raise your hand, tell them it's over. It doesn't even make sense anymore. Why? Go on? Why? Go on. Get up. Smoke two more cigarettes. Oh my gosh, What am I going to do? I don't understand. I don't understand. Then all of a sudden that goes on for three days and on bananas. I'm not sleeping. I'm nuts. I can't sit still. I'm pacing everywhere, my hands are going

crazy. I don't know what is wrong with me. If this is sober, I don't want it. Take it someplace else, because this just ain't for this guy.

I got plans,

right?

That's the deal. I got plans. I got things to do.

So, you know, like I got there on a Wednesday. I stayed sober through Friday,

got some of my old buddies, the guys that weren't there at the end when I was like puking myself and stuff. The guys that I used to play basketball with, they called and they asked me, hey, you want to come out? We're having a BBQ.

Pure sobriety is overrated.

So I,

I said, you know what, 132A Heineken,

132 Heineken will be OK. Let me tell you, I went to that BBQ. I had one. As soon as I soon as I made that decision that I was going to take that drink, my head shut off. Wasn't mad anymore. I went and I got that 132 of Heineken. I had a great evening. I drank, I nursed it over an hour and a half. It was took discipline, but I did it

and I had a great time. I met a lovely young lady, we spent the evening together. This is what my new life is going to be. It's going to be perfect.

It'll be fine. Went home, slept great, woke up the next morning. Friday went so well. Let's do it. Saturday

232 is a Heineken.

Did the same thing, had a great time, meant the same nice young lady. Had a great evening, everything was perfect. Guys were hanging out. You know, it's like the good old days came back.

Sunday, Sunday is just a barbecue and Monday, Monday we're really, you know, Monday's the day, you know, Monday is the day. So it's like, let's go and do this again. I don't want to push it beyond two because, you know, I just don't want to get too greedy. I want to like live in this lifestyle now. And so I drink 230 twos, a Heineken and about 45 minutes and I scavenge the medicine cabinets just As for something to take the edge off because you know, it's like pills were never really my problem. So

it's totally fine. I just don't want to get weird. I started getting like itchy. You ever get that feeling? It's like it's just not enough in the engine to get it going, You know, it's like I'm just a car that won't start. You know, it's like everything's there, but it's just like, I just don't have any gas.

So, you know, Monday is the day. Now, back in the day, if I was up showering out of the house before noon, that meant it was going to be a good day. So I wake up at 11:30, I get showered and I'm like out the door at like 11:59. I'm going to go get a job. I'm going to get a job and change my life. So I go to the local convenience store because like, really at the end of the day, I should be able to get a job at the convenience store. I thought very highly of myself. And, you know, I was just, you know, wanted to make sure that I could get this job,

this fear of rejection, because I was convinced the world was out to get me.

And so I went out there and I got, you know, I interviewed with this guy and he started asking some hard questions, like where have you been the last two years?

That's not a fair interview question.

You know, if I Google your name, what's going to come up?

That's really not a fair question.

You know, And Fargo was a small place, so people had an idea of what kind of trouble I was in. But this guy, like, shined me on for two hours, and then he decided to come back and say, you know what? We don't have a job for you

so same thought crossed my mind. I'll just do this tomorrow.

18 pack Coors, light gram of cocaine up my nose. I come to in the middle of the living room beating the brakes off somebody. I mean blood everywhere, people screaming, no idea how I got in there. Scared me so bad. Scared me. I mean like literally, I mean I was just covered in blood. No idea how I got in there. Just thought I was going to have a couple pops with the guys and call it a day. Just kind of like, you know, brush off a bad day.

So for the first time in my life, I threw my hands up in the air and I said, I have no idea how I got in here. None

whatsoever. And it was like right after I said that, all of a sudden these crazy things started to happen in my life. I don't know if anybody else has experienced that. It's like I told the truth. All of a sudden, it's like everybody swarmed in to help Aaron. It's like, OK, here we go. We're going to do this. I mean, I was beat down. I was just ready to kill myself because at the end of the day, everything that I'd ever thrown at this problem was of no avail. I couldn't get there. I could never get across the finish line. I couldn't even towards the end, I couldn't even get anything that resembled

anything like progress. Those three days were the best that I was going to do. And if that if those three days were what was in store for me, no, thank you,

you know, and I went and I got some help and I got separated from alcohol for the last time. And all of a sudden I'm arguing with like professionals about all this stuff and how I'm so different. And then

this dude came in

and he, like, told my story, you know, and I engaged for the first time in my life

in what Alcoholics Anonymous was. My life was over. I had nothing. I was still on the run from that drug charge. And I was running around doing all this stuff. And here I am in this treatment center. Nobody understands who I am and what I'm doing. And I got all this stuff figured out. I drink like this because of the circumstances in my life. You people just figure out how to leave me alone and I'm going to be fine. You don't understand that. This guy came in. He split me right between the eyes.

You drink because you don't know why you drink.

You drink for no matter what reason. You ever have that feeling where your head spins? See, we laugh about it here. Like, you know, you talk about how your head talks at you before. I literally was afraid to tell people that because I thought it was virtually, I might be insane. I never really realized that. Like, you can have multiple voices inside your head at one time telling you to do a multitude of rational things in your life. You know, like, I mean, you open your mouth like that in a psychiatrist's office and all of a sudden it's like, yo,

we need to get some medicine on this guy. You know, this guy's, this guy talked about that. He shared about what was really going on and it planted the seed. And I went to an alcohol Axon meeting and I saw a bunch of people that looked, it scared me because it's like they're having fun that, you know, everything's fun smiling and, you know, it's all fun. And I'm like sitting there, I'm like, I don't fit here. This doesn't make any sense. And then people talk and it's like, God, this stuff kind of makes sense.

It's a little hocus pocus, but it makes sense.

You know, when I listen to this guy and you know, lo and behold, I like, you know, I start to see people that I'm with start to get better. They start to life starts to get better. You know, they start graduating from these places and their parents buy them BMWX fives. And I'm like, God, I want to get in this program. So I want to like, you know, like I'm going to get everything right. Like, isn't that right? Like sobriety's cash and prizes. That's what I'm being told. You know, it's like, this is how I'm going to get a good job. This is how my life is going to work. Everything is going to be perfect. And all of a sudden I meet this guy and I ask him

go have coffee and I sit down with them and I had a problem because he's laughing. We're, we're exchanging kind of like, you know, what it was like and what we came from, But there was a difference.

This guy had a ring on his finger. He drove a nice car and he had three kids and then his he had a house and a job and I'm staying in a place that I'm lucky to have a bed at.

And, you know, listen, if you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous and you don't want to stay here, don't ask this question. We were talking for like half an hour, talking, talk and talking. Just you don't like, I mean, about the good old days. You know, it was like, it was a lot of fun to be honest, reminiscing and everything else. And then, you know, something took a little bit of a turn. He just said, yeah, until, till my luck ran out. And it was like no matter what I did, my life just seemed to become more of a mess. And I,

I like got that

and I looked at them and this is what you don't ask. What did you do to change?

I've never seen somebody smile so big in my life. Scared me. That's what I'm here to show you. And I was like, oh man, close that door.

And and he said, you know what, Do something for me, prove me wrong. Do everything that I ask you to do and tell me your life doesn't objectively get better. And so that's what I did. I was a pain in the butt in Alcoholics Anonymous coming around here telling everybody what was wrong, why it was wrong, what they weren't doing right, how they should do and live their life differently. About two, 3-4 months sober. And I would call this guy and I'd tell him about all the problems that I was having. You know, the court cases are here. It's so complex.

The girlfriend problems are here, my family doesn't love me, this doesn't make any sense, I'm gonna die, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I know. I just have some terminal disease. I mean, it was like all these times I would call him up and I would just lay it out every single time about everything that was wrong. And he would just go.

And then he would say, Aaron, there's a solution here for you in Alcoholics Anonymous.

If you can focus on putting your energy and effort into these actions that I'm asking you to do, these other things will get better. And it's like, it doesn't make sense. Like it doesn't make sense. Go to the meeting of AAI, got a court case. Go to meeting of AAI, got problems with my girlfriend. Do the steps. My family doesn't like me. Do the steps. My, you know, like I'm in trouble with these guys because they don't really like me in the treatment center. Pray like it, it doesn't make sense. It's like

my solution in to life is, it's what I've been taught my entire life. If I have a problem, try harder, do more, get there. No matter what, try harder, do more and you will conquer whatever. Whatever problem is in front of you, you will conquer it. That is what has been embedded in me in my entire life.

And this guy put up with so much crap, and

I did a fourth and a fifth step with him, knowing that it wasn't gonna work

and like, it just changed.

Change. I like, went through the motions. Like third step. Yep. Whatever sums up there. Sure.

You know, and yeah, obviously I have a problem with drinking and obviously my life is unmanageable. I got, I mean, when you're new, it's fun because you like, you know, it's easy to like point out the things that are like massively unmanageable. But the fact of the matter is, is like if somebody looked at me incorrectly, I would like go on a tailspin for weeks. You know, it was like, that's how fragile I was, you know what I mean? It's like, you know, this guy put up with so much stuff and I did that 4th and 5th step and it's like this like, I mean, literally the lights just came on in my life.

God meant something to me. Life changed. The meetings that I was going to and the people that I was like I was harassing all of a sudden like started to mean something to me. Alcoholics Anonymous started to mean something to me. I realized that, you know, all these court cases and everything else was going to be there. It's like, all right, I got it ready for the cash and prizes, you know what I mean? Like I'm ready for, I'm ready for life to matter. Like I'm ready to take it all on. Like all these people and everything else is going on in their lives. And I'm like really little by slow going to meeting every day,

washing dishes, listen, washing dishes in a place that served eggs and pans. And so like I would be sitting scrubbing those egg pans, saying the third step prayer like 50 times, like just please, please Get Me Out of here. Like, you know, I would just, I mean, everything going to like 2-3 meetings a day going nuts, you know, like these court cases coming at me, like it just doesn't make any sense. I'm ready for the cash and prizes. Let it come, let it come, you know, and I would call them with new sets of problems and new sets of circumstances. And I would say

this just doesn't make any sense. Why does this not make any sense? My life is supposed to be getting better. And then six months at sobriety, you know, I get a phone call. It's like my brother dies,

you know, the day after we put them, we buried my brother. God rest his soul. I don't talk about this a lot, but the day after we buried him, you know like I get indicted on another felony charge. Two weeks after that I get sentenced on the 1st felony charge and I have to go sit in jail for a little bit of time